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Upon killing someone: "tell Pharisma I said hi."
GM: The corpse shudders, then lifts its head, looks at you, and smiles beatifically. In a hollow, echoing voice totally unlike the one it possessed in life, it replies, "You can tell her yourself in another 13 days" before becoming lifeless again.
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Upon killing someone: "tell Pharisma I said hi."GM: The corpse shudders, then lifts its head, looks at you, and smiles beatifically. In a hollow, echoing voice totally unlike the one it possessed in life, it replies, "You can tell her yourself in another 13 days" before becoming lifeless again.
Ah, psychopomp humor.
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*after giving a defeated werewolf's children to Hellknights for "re-education"*
Look, odds are these kids are going to grow up evil. At least this way, we know they'll stand for something, right?
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"Say what you will, at least it's an ethos."
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"Say what you will, at least it's an ethos."
Ha! Exactly!
EDIT: And before anyone objects that we could have taken care of them ourselves, do you really think those kids would turn out ok if they were raised by murderhobos adventurers? At least raised by Hellknights they'll learn to shine their own boots without resorting to dominate person or lesser planar binding.
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*Earlier in the same campaign; we ambushed the Baron of the area we were planning on taking over; we had no idea he was a werewolf until he changed shape at the start of the combat.*
"YES! This homicide just became justifiable!"
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Having been a number of lycanthropes, including this one, I do not agree with killing a werewolf being an automatically justifiable killing.
And I'll bite anyone who disagrees.
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"Are you saying we could be facing a return of the Runelords?"
*table groans*
We're playing Return of the Runelords book one.
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"Pork! The other white meat" was a slogan, part of an ad campaign in the 1990s for porcine meat products in the U.S. Around that time, our low-level party got stuck in an underground lair and had to camp out in the dungeon. Without access to food, we relied on the party cleric to "Purify Food and Drink" on the orc's terrible food. Once we ran out of orc food we decided to eat orc... the lol moment... we decided it must taste like gamey pork... so... "Porc! The other other white meat."
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After looting the BBEG's mansion and fleeing to another country to avoid immediate retribution, we sell the stuff off to a local thieves' guild
Thief "I don't know for that other stuff you have, I'm unoloading all that from you because we have a buyer"
Player "Maybe it's [BBEG's nickname]"
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(See above for "giving the Baron's kids to Hellknights for re-education" context)
*Baron growls vicious threats in Abyssal from the next room*
"I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I couldn't hear you over the sound of counting all the money from selling your kids."
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*In Matthew McConaughey voice*
Best part about zombies? You get older, they stay the same age...
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A succubus, right before changing into her true form "excuse my while I slip into something more comforable."
How about;
Captured bad guy: "why should I help you"?
Fighter, making an intimidate check: "because you value your life?"
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Champion of Irori: Tell us what you know and we will let you go.
Death Cultist: But why? Death comes to us all. It will come for you, and come for me, to the great glory of our lord!
Party: ...so tell us what you know and we will kill you instead?
Death Cultist: Oh joy! How will you do it? Strangulation, poisoning, or just simple stabbing? The classics are classic for a reason!
Ummm, where's the punchline?How about;
Captured bad guy: "why should I help you"?
Fighter, making an intimidate check: "because you value your life?"
It's not a joke. Just meant as a clever reply
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Forum trolls are a tough crowd.
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A succubus, right before changing into her true form "excuse my while I slip into something more comforable."
The judges would also accept "excuse my while I slip into someone more comfortable."
Champion of Irori: Tell us what you know and we will let you go.
Death Cultist: But why? Death comes to us all. It will come for you, and come for me, to the great glory of our lord!
Party: ...so tell us what you know and we will kill you instead?
Death Cultist: Oh joy! How will you do it? Strangulation, poisoning, or just simple stabbing? The classics are classic for a reason!
"I will kill you until you die from it."
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Last night, at our D&D5e Dragon Heist campaign...
Situation: We've been invited by our aristocratic patron to attend a performance at the Waterdeep Opera House. We were acquiring fancy clothes for the event...
Halfling fighter: "...and I want to buy the biggest, most ostentatious smoking pipe that I can find. And the smelliest, most pungent pipe-weed for it."
DM: "Okay. For 10 gold, you can find one that's carved from expensive tropical wood, inlaid with ivory, is eighteen inches long, and has a bowl that's four inches wide."
Halfling: "Perfect!"
Human rogue: "Is that a pipe for smoking or a musical instrument?"
Halfling: "It's my tobaccsophone!"
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At the beginning of the session:
GM: “How’s the party doing for resources?”
Brawler: “Fists for days!”
It's a running joke in my home group (and occasionally, PFS games at the FLGS) to have the non-casters chime in with "I've prepared all my spells!" whenever the party takes a break to rest and recover.
On a related note, in one adventure, the party's arcane spellcasters had to pay a small fee for a license to cast spells while in a certain city. The Big Dumb Barbarian PC also paid the fee. "Mongo caster, too. Mongo cast Muscle Fist!"
*Succeeds at Knowledge (religion) check*
"That's a lich. And we've got a saying round here. Liches get stitches."
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ALCHEMIST: I drink an extract of ironskin.
ME, IN MY HEAD: Don't say it, don't say it, don't say it...
ME: I guess you could say you're a fullmetal alchemist.
ME, IN MY HEAD, RINGING BELL: Shame. Shame. Shame.
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At a convention demo game, during a particularly tense communication failure.
"I've got this, I speak Stupid as a second language."
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NPC: Can you save us from the Reclaimers?
CLERIC: Save you from Reclaimers? I would walk 500 miles...
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*The barbarian is down. The witch is almost certainly dropping in a round. I'm surrounded. The situation is dire. I snap my fingers. The Book of Vile Darkness: Diabolic Chapter appears in my hand. No one else in the group has seen it yet. I use the foul tome to summon a bone devil, an ability which is WAY beyond my pay grade.*
WITCH: What did you DO?!
ME: It was the only way to save Padme.
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I love the BoVD. I used a spell and weapon quality from it a few games back. My players, who haven't even examined most of the spells available to them, didn't notice its origin. Except for this one guy, who loves when I pull something on the group that's not expected. He always puts on this maniacal grin and mutters "Sweeeet" under his breath.
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I love the BoVD. I used a spell and weapon quality from it a few games back. My players, who haven't even examined most of the spells available to them, didn't notice its origin. Except for this one guy, who loves when I pull something on the group that's not expected. He always puts on this maniacal grin and mutters "Sweeeet" under his breath.
I'm having a lot of fun with it. It was in a super-duper locked chest in the module we're running through. I had to buff myself as much as possible and take 20 to open the lock, that's how tough it was. And, since I figured whatever was in there probably would be trapped, I made sure to open it alone. I wasn't expecting... well... what I found.
It took my perfectly neutral roguish aasimar and turned him into a cleric of Barbatos with just a month of study. Last session was the first time I've used any of its abilities--we really needed the summoned bone devil. However, now there's a 2% chance a powerful devil will show up to claim my soul the next time I use it. That 1% more of a chance every time is going to eventually get tense... but sometimes you just have to make a dark bargain, yada yada, Padme and so forth...
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The other funny thing that happened that session isn't really a one-liner, it's more of a sight gag. But I managed to find a pawn that looked very close to the one I had been using for my character up till that point--except this guy had a goatee and was wearing black and red. Since we play at my place and the pawns are mine, I usually get them out before hand and put everyone's at their place at the table. I had the new "evil twin" version out, but didn't even acknowledge it... until one of the other guys said "hey, wait, who's that guy on the map?"
"Why that's your old boon comrade in arms, Yurig," I said. And left it at that...
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In RoW the party wizard, one "Horns" a tiefling wizard ate one of those suggestion cookies that turn up. Says he does not feel any different, how do we know the cookie controls minds.
I, the ever dashing half-elf rogue and sorcerer Lemi the Weasel without missing a beat replies.."Easy, Horns...pants yourself..."
Hey, proved the cookie was charmed very clearly
LOL! Brilliant!
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"There might still be a spark of good in him."
"Pfft. As if."
"Would you believe a spark of neutral?"
"Barely, but ok."
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My home game currently has 3 female PCs (a human and two half-orcs) and 1 male (the elf bard, Edel), after a couple friends moved away for new jobs last year. The bard's thwarted desires for companionship have become a bit of a running joke. The two half-orcs are practically aromantic/asexual, but enjoy embarrassing Edel around other women. The human clearly has a thing for the elf but never goes any further than talk. Not long ago, while visiting the home village of one of the half-orcs, Edel was so lonely that he said yes to a curious orc woman's advances--and quickly regretted it.
One player recently opined that Edel's been getting more smarmy/creepy ever since the other elf PC left. Later in that session, the same player (incidentally, the bard's player's wife) stated, "I have a +1 cockblock on my character sheet. But I think it only works on Edel."
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*Evil artifact rolls temptingly around center of room*
"Nobody touch it."
"But--"
"No!" *deep ominous tone* "As the great dwarf bard McHammer said, 'you can't touch this.'"
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Last night during a sci-fi game, the PCs were in a forest where they were attacked by a creature the GM described as a snow leopard.
Player 1: “So it’s just a regular snow leopard? It doesn’t even have six legs or anything?”
GM: “Okay, It has six legs. Now it has two extra attacks.”
Player 2: “Keep it up, Player 1. Next it’ll have a bite attack at both ends.”
During today’s Pathfinder session:
The party encountered an unfriendly djinni.
Player 1: “Does the djinni like pina coladas?”
GM: “Yes, she does.”
Player 2: “She is evil, then!”
After the djinni was slain, discussion turned to the elaborate pectoral she was wearing. The party’s tengu monk has a reputation for wanting the gaudiest items; at one point he was wearing a crocodile mask, a fancy plumed hat, and a hand of glory amulet.
Monk: “Can I wear the pectoral until we get to someplace where we can sell it?”
GM: “It would be like a breastplate on you.”
Bloodrager: “Is it a big clock?”
GM: “Yes. It has a big gold chain.”
Monk: “I’m not wearing that!”
Druid: “It’s too tacky even for you.”
Shaman: “You could be Flava Crow.”
Monk: “I am not Flava Crow!”
Later the party found a skeleton wearing a bright red cloak of the mountebank. At the time the druid was wild shaped as a large earth elemental. The other players suggested the druid should take the cloak.
GM: “I think the earth elemental wearing the cloak would be funny. It would look like a napkin on you.”
Druid: “A teleporting elemental would be funny.”
Monk: “A telemental!”
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*party confronts an Imentesh*
WILDSHAPED DRUID: I'm going to eat that guy.
CLERIC: Ah, you're doing a high protean diet.
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One of the long-time players in our area heavily favors support characters with comic foibles, because he enjoys hammy roleplaying and hanging out with other gamers far more than being the star of any fight. One of these characters is a conjurer who is good at filling the battlefield with additional allies, but they're not always terribly effective.
The last time I was at a table with this wizard, he summoned a half-dozen giant frogs for an early fight. Even when they managed to hit the encounter-boss with their tongues, they couldn't get a grip on her--and thus did exactly 0 damage in total. The conjurer complained and cursed in his stereotypical beard-rending Keleshite trader style.
In a later encounter, he tried another kind of creature (earth elementals, I think?) who should have been much more effective but proved to have atrocious dice luck throughout the fight. At one point, he bellowed: "Ahhh, these things must have been trained by frogs!"
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This week's scenario had a lot of good lines!
Alchemist polymorphed into an Ijiraq: "I already look like a horrific deer thing."
Happily Pollyanna-like oracle: "That's why I'm providing reassurance and emotional support."
After the oracle's attempts at diplomacy go nowhere, the party attacks, and one-rounds the creepy NPC while the oracle's player is in the bathroom. On his return to the table:
"Good news, it's silenced, so we can't hear you complain."
The half-orc alchemist is also Liberty's Edge, and cranky about being back home in Belkzen.
"They're enslaving him into cooking people. You should just eat them, like a proper orc."
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A couple more from recent adventures that made into my journal:
"Fancy gardens are for closers!" (From "Bid for Alabastrine.")
"I will put the 'pal' in 'paladin.'" (After being warned that violence within an extraplanar city will be punished harshly.)
And since I'm checking the journal...
In a later encounter, he tried another kind of creature (earth elementals, I think?) who should have been much more effective but proved to have atrocious dice luck throughout the fight. At one point, he bellowed: "Ahhh, these things must have been trained by frogs!"
It was lantern archons. He summoned six, and only 1 out of 12 rays hit their target the first round.
Heh. For closers.
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The party is in a long hall. The investigator looks toward the far end.
GM: “Make a Perception check.”
Investigator: “ 54.”
GM: “You can see a field mouse all the way down there taking a poop.”
The host’s cat jumps on the back of the GM’s chair and starts vigorously rubbing her head against the back of the GM’s head.
GM: “It’s hard to be evil wihen this is happening.”
Things are going badly. Many of the party members have been strength drained by shadows, and the warpriest has been possessed by a demon and is attacking her friends. Suddenly one of the hosts brings in a cat and hands her to the GM.
Host: “ I’ve brought in reinforcements.”
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The host’s cat jumps on the back of the GM’s chair and starts vigorously rubbing her head against the back of the GM’s head.
GM: “It’s hard to be evil wihen this is happening.”
"I will give you anything you ask!"
"But you don't ask with respect. You don't offer friendship. You don't even think to call me Gamemaster."
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Every now and then my regular players will walk in on me humming the Godfather theme and they know it's going to be a rough session...
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"Xanderghul. Xanderghul. Xanderghul."
"Is that our new safe word?"
"Yes."
(Not exactly a one-liner, but we chuckled.)
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Last week the party was on their way to a huge structure when they were attacked by three colossal scorpions.
The monk made a flying kick attack on one of the scorpions.
Bloodrager: "What are you doing? Make it cinematic!"
Monk: "You see a flying ball of fists and feet. It looks like a Warner Brothers animation of the Tasmanian Devil."
The shaman disintegrates one of the scorpions. His unseen servant begins sweeping up the dust left behind.
Monk: "Is it sweeping the dust into another dimension?"
During the combat, the wizard summons up an arcane cannon which keeps firing continuously. The wizard doesn't dismiss the cannon when the combat concludes. After all the scorpions are slain, someone appears atop the structure and makes a pompous speech, concluding with "Let all who would be wise listen!"
Wizard: "Boom!"
After the party enter the structure, a confusion effect causes the druid to attack the wizard. The wizard responds by using baleful polymorph against the druid, transforming her into a duck. Then the wizard becomes confused too and fires off a fireball at the rest of the party. The tengu monk rushes over to rescue the duck, not realizing she still has the hit points of a 15th-level druid.
Wizard: "It's bird-on-duck action."