For people who own dictionaries:
TUREEN OF THE VOLUBLE ICONOCLAST
Aura moderate transmutation; CL 7th
Slot not applicable; Price 14,100 gp; Weight 4 lb.
DESCRIPTION
Inset cabochons of chalcedony ornament this capacious receptacle of verdigris-encrusted latten. The protuberant probosci of incised grotesqueries form the vessel’s handles. Within its silvered interior, intaglios depict wizened thaumaturges contending in rencounters of prestidigitative prowess.
Thrice daily, upon pronouncement of a command word (“Pyroclasm”), tiny ziggurats of variegated marzipan appear around the tureen. These confections provide sufficient provender for up to seven persons.
Once daily, recitation of a subsequent command (“Cerebellum”), causes seven gallons of iced sherbet to overflow the vessel. The first humanoid ingesting this refreshment gains the Benediction of the Voluble Iconoclast, a +4 Morale bonus to INT (with a propensity toward grandiose verbiage), vitiated by a -4 Morale penalty to WIS (with a bellicose refusal to conform to accepted standards). These effects persist for five minutes.
CONSTRUCTION
Requirements Craft Wondrous Items, bestow curse, create food and water, fox’s cunning; Cost 27,850 gp
Director of Narrative
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Dedicated Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
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Do want. Egg Shen would be proud. :PThat's a pretty sweet interpretation.If I can't get a Flying Spell Bag, I at least want a Six Demon Bag.Oh, I totally want a Six Demon Bag!
Roll a d6 when it's opened (all effects at CL 6);
1) Gust of Wind
2) Burning Hands effect
3) Shout spell
4) Lightning Bolt
5) Summon Monster III (dretch)
6) a single Evard's Black Tentacle comes out of the bag and attacks anyone who isn't the bag holder within reach for 6 rounds.
Ha! That's hilarious. I had no idea it was a WoW reference. I spied it in a Brad Neely cartoon and dug the sound of it. I shoulda known.
Ha! That's hilarious. I had no idea it was a WoW reference. I spied it in a Brad Neely cartoon and dug the sound of it. I shoulda known.
While it is in WoW...I first saw it in "Big Trouble in Little China." :P
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Director of Narrative
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Dedicated Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
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Ha! That's hilarious. I had no idea it was a WoW reference. I spied it in a Brad Neely cartoon and dug the sound of it. I shoulda known.While it is in WoW...I first saw it in "Big Trouble in Little China." :P
Damn, you're right. I'm missing references like crazy today. Perhaps a nap is in order.
For people who own dictionaries:
TUREEN OF THE VOLUBLE ICONOCLASTAdroit demonstration of erudition, that.
However, the dictionary reference perplexes me. :)
Some time ago, a thread on the Paizo boards complained about the language used in various adventures. The thread's author felt that they used too many unfamiliar words.
Remembering the words in question, I decided to give them a little love.
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Director of Narrative
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Some time ago, a thread on the Paizo boards complained about the language used in various adventures. The thread's author felt that they used too many unfamiliar words.
Remembering the words in question, I decided to give them a little love.
...and here is the thread.
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Orcish Candies
These nasty-smelling clumps of semisolid black and green substance require a Will save (DC 10) just to put in one's mouth, and then a Fortitude save (DC 15, drops to DC 5 for anyone with orcish blood, rises to DC 25 for those with elvish blood) to not immediately vomit forth, spending a round nauseated.
Those able to 'keep it down' feel a rumbling in their stomach, as it recoils from the noisome mixture. At any time within the next 10 minutes, the user can belch forth a single 5 ft. square Stinking Cloud effect into any facing square. The cloud lasts only a single round, but has the full effects of the spell during that time.
10 minutes after the candy is eaten, the user involuntarily emits such a cloud, into a rear-facing square, whether he has belched forth a cloud in that time or not.
Orcish Candies
These nasty-smelling clumps of semisolid black and green substance require a Will save (DC 10) just to put in one's mouth, and then a Fortitude save (DC 15, drops to DC 5 for anyone with orcish blood, rises to DC 25 for those with elvish blood) to not immediately vomit forth, spending a round nauseated.
Those able to 'keep it down' feel a rumbling in their stomach, as it recoils from the noisome mixture. At any time within the next 10 minutes, the user can belch forth a single 5 ft. square Stinking Cloud effect into any facing square. The cloud lasts only a single round, but has the full effects of the spell during that time.
10 minutes after the candy is eaten, the user involuntarily emits such a cloud, into a rear-facing square, whether he has belched forth a cloud in that time or not.
Is it bad that I read this and my first thought was "But D&D doesn't have facing."
FINGER OF POINTING
Market Price: 2000 gp
This disembodied finger is slightly worn, with leathery, aged flesh. The finger once belonged to the mother of a distant ruler who was never quite good enough for her, and didn't listen properly, and really should have had a bit more consideration for his mother, and had always been a disappointment.
The finger has been chopped off at the base, and the visible meat is as dark as the finest beef jerky, and equally tough. The nail protrudes slightly from the front of the finger, and is in a chipped and brittle state.
This finger can be wielded as a pointing device. The finger can be thrust and wiggled enthusiastically or menacingly depending upon the situation.
It provides a +2 to verbal BLUFF checks (it does not provide any bonus to combat bluff checks) and +2 to INTIMIDATE checks (but only where there is a shared language and the wielder of the finger is able to use words such as "disgrace", "disappointment", "not as good as your brother", etc.)
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And not my own, but one I found online (here: http://www.geocities.com/winspir/wei/magic_items.htm#ShoesOfCoolness) and thought was funny:
Shoes of Coolness - This magical set of footwear is actually not unique on that many varieties exist. Each sports a world-renowned logo on the side and grants a +4 toughness bonus to Coolness skill checks. The shoes are typically made by child laborer in a country far from and much poorer than the wearer's.
Caster level: 1st; Prerequisites: Craft Cool Item Market price: $60 or more. Weight: 1 lb.
It took my girlfriend a few minutes to get the joke . . .
Obfuscating Lenses of Kent
Aura moderate enchantment, faint illusion(see text); CL 11
Slot eyes; Price 264,000 gp; Weight –
Description
While this unassuming pair of black, horn-rimmed glasses does not change the appearance of its wearer, it causes intelligent creatures to perceive him as a different person. The identity of the perceived individual is programmed into the glasses at the time of creation, and cannot be further altered. It fools divinations that discern location as per polymorph, and those that discern alignment, creature type, hit dice, or other features based on the specifics of the programmed identity. The power of lenses is such that sketches or images of the user wearing them are identified as the programmed identity, even when compared with images without the lenses or the user himself. As they do not change their wearer’s appearance, obfuscating lenses of kent fool true seeing. They do not detect as magical, as per magic aura.
An observer presented with evidence that the individual wearing the glasses is, in fact, the wearer, or who see the wearer don or remove the glasses receives a Will save to disbelieve as if viewing an illusion.
Construction
Requirements: Craft Wonderous Item, mass suggestion, magic aura Cost 132,000 gp
I've posted these puppies elsewhere, but i thought you might find them all fun.
A bag of Ginger Dragons
Aura faint evocation; CL 1th
Slot: none; Price 750 gp; Weight —
Description
Bought from a mysterious Tian alchemist in the back streets of Old Korvosa, Ginger dragons appear to be intricately moulded boiled sweets in the shape of a wing less and bearded dragon. Made form the exotic spice, ginger, these sweets seem to burn the mouth when sucked upon. They are provided in a little paper bag, hand painted with an image of a dragon, with numerous finely detailed Tian characters surrounding it.
Some one who is familiar with the technique may pop one in their mouth and start chewing (free action), at which point, if they blow out quickly with all their might(standard action) a gout of flame will erupt from their mouth and engulf those near by.
Ginger dragons function as a CL 1 wand of burning hands, save that they take a free action to prepare and that for one hour after use, you suffer a -1 to deplomacy and Bluff checks and a -2 to performance (sing) due to your mouth being slightly burned.
Construction
Requirements Craft wonderous item, burning hands; Cost 375 gp
Hazbar's deck.
Aura faint evocation; CL 5th
Slot: none; Price gp 3750; Weight —
Description
First envisioned by Ragn Hazbar of riddleport, This beautifully illistrated harrow deck was designed to ensure that its owner is never without a weapon. Enchanted to produce magic missiles, it is activated with a flick to the top of the deck. After this three cards must be pulled from the top of the deck and thrown at the intended target. In flight they appear to glow and unearingly strike the right target. Despite this, the pack always has the right number of cards.
This item functions as a CL5 wand of magic missile, save that those without profession (gambler) must take a full round action, which provokes to activate this item. Those with profession gambler may us it as a standard action which does not provoke.
Construction
Requirements Craft wand, Magic missile; Cost 1875 gp
Captain Roberts Etheric Resonance Goggles.
Aura faint divination; CL 5th
Slot: goggles; Price 11250gp; Weight —
Description
These Goggles are the property of Captain Robert, of Her Majesties SpellJammer Ophelia, who operates under a Britannic Letter of Mark in the Ether. These goggles were crafted to help in the assessment of cargo taken during boarding actions but also have use in navigating ether storms. The Goggles are made from brass, with many clockwork elements used to automatically focus the myriad liquid and gas filled lenses within
This item functions as a CL5 wand of Arcane Sight, which is must be worn to use.
Construction
Requirements Craft wand, Arcane Sight; Cost 5625gp
Dr. Von Rakks plane phase shield emitter.
Aura faint transmutation; CL 5th
Slot:none; Price 11250gp; Weight —
Description
Britannic dimensional science relies upon long string acanomathimatics to twist dimensional boundaries. This has led to reliance upon difference engine by Arcanists of the Britannic Empire. Until fifty years ago, this severely limited the mobility of arcanists, as even the smallest and lightest of difference engines tended to be the size of a welsh dresser and weigh as much as a chest full of gold ingots. That was until the development of the picket difference engine. Immensely powerful computational device which could be made as small as pocket watchs by storing the mechanics of the engine within a pocket dimension created by the device itself.
An early pioneer of such devices was Doctor Von Rakk, an evil criminal genius who's plots threaten Britannia even after his demise. In a daring assault on Von Rakk's fortress, Magdalene Veen came into possession of this example of his work, a single purpose defense sheild generator which works by putting the user out of phase with the rest of the material plane. It looks to the eye of the unobservant to be a simple silver and steel pocket watch, but its internal working which fill a four meter cube within the case and lack of a clock face put lie to this pretense.
This item functions as a CL5 wand of blink, which is must be worn by it's user. Even Identify will not provide answers as to the nature of this device, unless the caster has at least three ranks in Knowledge the planes.
Construction
Requirements Craft wand, blink; Cost 5625gp
Dr. Grordbort's Victorious Mongoose, 1902a - concealable lightning pistol.
Aura faint evocation; CL 5th
Slot:none; Price 11250gp; Weight —
Description
"The perfect accessory for any lady, this handy little minx of a weapon can reliably discharge fifty powerful lightning arcs capable of slaying most advisories. They are also handily concealable, which we all know is a must for any self respecting young lady in Britannic society."
These lightning pistols are infamous in Britannic society and the great beyond in general thanks to several high profile murders in which these lightning pistols where the murder weapon.
This item functions as a CL5 wand of lightning bolt. It receives a +1 circumstance modifier to slight of hand checks to conceal it on ones person, while in the Great beyond, these pistols reputation provide +1 circumstance modifier to intimidate checks
Construction
Requirements Craft wand, lightning bolt; Cost 5625gp
The 80's were a magical time...
Parachute Pants of Depantsing
Aura Moderate necromancy [fear, mind-affecting]; CL 7th
Slot feet; Weight 1 lb.
Description
These loose-fitting, colorful pants are made of a smooth, unnatural material and are covered in zig-zagging patterns. The pants appear for all intents and purposes to be Hammer pants, and under magical analysis they seem to grant the wearer a +2 competence bonus to Perform (dance) and Perform (sing) checks and a +2 enhancement bonus to Dexterity. However, whenever the wearer enters into combat, there is a 50% chance that the pants magically slide off the wearer's legs and onto the ground. The wearer must then make a Will save (DC 16) or become panicked and cower for 7 rounds in an attempt to cover up the nether regions. At the end of the 7 rounds, the pants magically reappear on the wearer's legs. If the save is successful, the wearer is shaken for 1 round. The wearer cannot prevent the pants from depantsing in any way, nor can the pants be removed intentionally short of a remove curse spell.
Requirements
Magic Items Hammer pants
Hammer pants,There so need to be 'hammer pants' for Monks that cause their legs to swoop around and hit like warhammers (Improved Natural Attack, with kicks only, or perhaps they hit with a thunderous crack of snapping cloth, that deafens foes).
They probably would also give you a bonus to saves vs. "quitting" and allow you to enter "Hammer Time."
I actually thought about applying with this, but then thought better of it... Still, I find it funny.
The Name Generator-
This small sea shell is of a most peculiar purple color, and emits a faint whisper, just below the threshold of comprehension.
Why leave things to fate? Give your babe a name that will help him in life! By placing this small seashell on your baby's forehead (not after more than three days since his/hers birth), this ultra-dimensional artifact will glimpse into the future, fathom your newborn's destiny, and Surname him appropriately via a small, easily readable, note that will slide out. By attuning the child to his destiny he will gain composure and wholeness, empowering him according to his future.
Examples:
Strongarm- babe receives +1 to strength
Quickstep- babe receives +10' to speed
Goatwilled- babe receives +1 to will saves
I actually thought about applying with this, but then thought better of it... Still, I find it funny.
The Name Generator-
This small sea shell is of a most peculiar purple color, and emits a faint whisper, just below the threshold of comprehension.Why leave things to fate? Give your babe a name that will help him in life! By placing this small seashell on your baby's forehead (not after more than three days since his/hers birth), this ultra-dimensional artifact will glimpse into the future, fathom your newborn's destiny, and Surname him appropriately via a small, easily readable, note that will slide out. By attuning the child to his destiny he will gain composure and wholeness, empowering him according to his future.
Examples:
Strongarm- babe receives +1 to strength
Quickstep- babe receives +10' to speed
Goatwilled- babe receives +1 to will saves
just hpe the name doesn't come up "orcfood" or "Left Unattended Bythepool"
Codex of Epic Fail
Aura Moderate enchantment; CL 13
Slot -; Price varies; Weight -
Description:
This powerful cursed tome can be found in many guises, some of them even have no physical form but are available as electronic downloads. Many of them however look like other magical books but claim to be new improved editions.
When a person sees this tome he is compelled to open it and take a look (DC 15 Will save to resist). Whoever has read the book, whether voluntarily or compelled by magic, must make a Will save roll (DC 18) to resist starting to argue with whoever is in vicinity exactly what was wrong with the book and how to improve it, using Diplomacy, Bluff and Intimidate skills when necessary. When a person thus compelled is within 50 ft of the Codex, all Charisma-based skill rolls are made with -10 penalty.
This effect lasts for 24 hours but works only when the person is within 50 ft of the tome. After 24 hours if the person is within 50 ft of the book, he must make another DC 18 Will save or continue his tirade. If a person fails five saves in a row, he gets a monstrous subtype Troll and permanent -10 penalty to charisma-based skills.
Construction:
Requirements Craft Wondrous Items, Lesser Geas, Song of Discord; Cost ...ask Jason?
I was also toying with "Flag of offensiveness" but that is clearly a glyph-type spell (activated by caster doing a full move action away from the glyph, then LN demon named Gary is summoned to deal with the target of the glyph).
And something ABBA-related, but again, Member of ABBA is clearly a prestige class.
BEANIE OF MENTAL MASTERY
Aura faint abjuration; CL 3rd
Slot head; Price 6,000 gp; Weight .5 lb.
DESCRIPTION
This commonly-encountered headwear is wrought of purest mithral, beaten into a delicate foil and shaped to cover the upper skull. These fragile hats provide immunity to all sorts of enchantment(compulsion) magic. Wearers additionally gain a +2 resistance bonus on saving throws against any sort of divination magic.
CONSTRUCTION
Requirements Craft Wondrous Items, protection from evil, shield; Cost 3,000 gp
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Oh, to go with Sir-Wulf's contribution we need the;
ORBITAL MIND-CONTROL LASER
Aura faint enchantment; CL 5th
Slot None; Price 15,000 gp; Weight Neg.
DESCRIPTION
This Ioun Stone is silvery in color and shaped like a dodecahedron. The user can invoke it's power to fascinate a single target looking at him as a gaze attack once per day as a standard action. Anyone fascinated by the Orbital Mind-Control Laser can be the subject of a Suggestion spell at CL 5.
CONSTRUCTION
Requirements Craft Wondrous Items, suggestion, daze; Cost 7,500 gp
Next, the dreaded Black Helicopter.
Sorry, no helicopter here.
BEARD OF THE BLACKGUARD
Aura moderate alteration; CL 4th
Slot face; Price 12,000 gp; Weight .5 lb.
DESCRIPTION
Appearing as a neatly-trimmed goatee or other stylish false beard, these items possess potent magic of intimidation. When carefully placed against the face of a humanoid creature, the beard of the blackguard adheres instantly, causing the wearer's features to assume a sinister leer. The wearer is granted a +4 equipment bonus to Intimidate and Profession (landlord) skill checks. Unfortunately, attempts to detect alignment invariably read the wearer as evil, regardless of their true alignment.
To remove the beard, the wearer must tear it loose with a DC 26 Strength check. It can also be easily removed with break enchantment or immediately after collecting overdue rent from impoverished tenants.
CONSTRUCTION
Requirements Craft Wondrous Items, alter self, scare; Skill Perform (melodrama) DC 19; Cost 6,000 gp
pyramid of eternal quoting:
Appears to be a pyramidal series of stacked iron lattices.
Function: eternally quotes things said near it. If the area around it is silent it begins quoting itself.
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Eyes of Goggly Goofy Greatness
Donning these close fitting lenses of dark glass, connected with an adjustable leather strap, increases the wearer's Intelligence while decreasing Charisma, both by a factor of 4. Thus, the wearer looks weird but becomes brilliant. The eyes also confer a +10 circumstance bonus to any Craft check performed by the wearer.
Blue-Green Ioun Stone
Aura strong conjuration CL 20th
Slot —; Weight 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 lbs.
DESCRIPTION
Only one such stone is known to exist, currently in the possession of an advanced Lantern Archon.
The owner may cast summon swarm with a casting time of 800 million years. The creatures summoned mutate until they resemble hairless apes. They are utterly, utterly free-willed. Once per round, on a 01 on a d%, the apes get out of hand, the stone burns out and turns to dull gray, forever useless. Some of the apes speak French.
DESTRUCTION
see above
Blue-Green Ioun Stone
Aura strong conjuration CL 20th
Slot —; Weight 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 lbs.DESCRIPTION
Only one such stone is known to exist, currently in the possession of an advanced Lantern Archon.
The owner may cast summon swarm with a casting time of 800 million years. The creatures summoned mutate until they resemble hairless apes. They are utterly, utterly free-willed. Once per round, on a 01 on a d%, the apes get out of hand, the stone burns out and turns to dull gray, forever useless. Some of the apes speak French.DESTRUCTION
see above
Awesome.
I was going to say 'the joke would be funnier if you actually typed in the weight of the earth instead of just some ridiculously big round number.' And then when I looked up what that number actually is I found out... it's 10 septillion pounds.
So that's doubly awesome.
Unfortunately your item must be disqualified for lacking a price or creation information.
Unfortunately your item must be disqualified for lacking a price or creation information.
Actually, pricing for that item is easy to figure out: all of it
Some of the apes speak French.
This is my favorite part.
Unfortunately your item must be disqualified for lacking a price or creation information.
D'oh, so close.
This is my favorite part.
Thanks BV. My lofty goal was thread's 2nd-best francophone primate summoning item.
And I'm honored to have been referenced!
The honor is all mine sir. Reading the Pants of the Many Monkeys was truly my favorite moment from many fantastic moments in last year's RPG Superstar.
Eh, what the hey; I'm up late for no good reason, so here's something stupid I just came up with:
BOX OF ANTICLIMAX
Aura overwhelming conjuration; CL 21st
Slot —; Price 80,000 gp; Weight 5 lb.
DESCRIPTION
This richly inlaid and bejeweled gold-and-platinum box resists all normal attempts to discover its abilities. It can be freely opened and closed, but will when found appear to be empty. An identify spell will have no effect, nor will arcane sight. A legend lore or a comparable spell will give the caster some enigmatic clues as to where to start, but actually discovering how to operate the box will require an epic quest. Even then, this will only result in learning the command word; to find out what the item does, the possessor will have to try it out.
Once per day, when the command word is spoken, a single pink jellybean appears inside the box. It is not a magical jellybean.
It is a very tasty jellybean, but still...
CONSTRUCTION
Requirements: Craft Wondrous Item, magic aura, minor creation, misdirection, caster must be 21st level and have a really odd sense of humor; Cost 40,000 gp
One that just suddenly occured to me:
HORN OF RICK-ROLL
AuraModerate Enchantment CL7th
Slot -; [b]Price12,000gp Weight 2lb
DESCRIPTION
This cursed horn appears to be a Horn of Valhalla until blown by someone with ranks in Perform (Wind insruments). Once it is blown however, only the sound of never gonna give you up is emitted from the horn, regardless of what sound was attempted. Anyone except the performer within 30ft must pass a DC 15 Will save or be affected as by a rage spell. Deafened creatures are immune to this effect.
CONSTRUCTION
requirements Craft Wonderous Item, Rage, Magic Aura, bestow curse, Cost6,000gp
Veil for Ugos
Aura:n\a CL: 1st
Slot: Head; Cost:2gp
Description:
This dull brown veil made of processed wood pulp covers all sides of its wearers head. The wearer of the veil has charisma 10.
Construction
Requirements: Craft Mundane Bag, shame; Cost: 1gp
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Eyes of Goggly Goofy Greatness
Donning these close fitting lenses of dark glass, connected with an adjustable leather strap, increases the wearer's Intelligence while decreasing Charisma, both by a factor of 4. Thus, the wearer looks weird but becomes brilliant. The eyes also confer a +10 circumstance bonus to any Craft check performed by the wearer.
Somehow, monologuing must be a part of this item, perhaps a curse that afflicts the wearer and causes them to automatically lose their action in the first round of any combat.
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Eyes of Goggly Goofy Greatness
Donning these close fitting lenses of dark glass, connected with an adjustable leather strap, increases the wearer's Intelligence while decreasing Charisma, both by a factor of 4. Thus, the wearer looks weird but becomes brilliant. The eyes also confer a +10 circumstance bonus to any Craft check performed by the wearer.Somehow, monologuing must be a part of this item, perhaps a curse that afflicts the wearer and causes them to automatically lose their action in the first round of any combat.
Perhaps the bonus to Craft is equal to the number of rounds spent in monologue, with the wearer divulging a master plan/diabolic scheme.
I think a lot of people here could use this one at the moment:
COIN OF RPG SUPERSTAR(TM) DIVINATION
Aura Faint Divination
CL 5th
Slot -
Price 1000gp
Weight -
This brightly shining platinum coin will immediately turn old and tarnished should the owner's RPG Superstar submission be rejected. The coin can only be used once.
On the obverse of the coin is the Superstar logo, while the reverse shows an old boot.
Requirements Craft Wonderous Item, clairvoyance. Cost 500gp
Eh, what the hey; I'm up late for no good reason, so here's something stupid I just came up with:
BOX OF ANTICLIMAX
...
Once per day, when the command word is spoken, a single pink jellybean appears inside the box. It is not a magical jellybean.It is a very tasty jellybean, but still...
This made me laugh more than any other. Greatness.
(My primary game system is either B/X or OD&D, if you can't tell)
Wand of DEVO
Aura eh, why? CL who cares, Slot figure it out dumb*&#, if your wrong your PC is DEAD, so so DEAD, Price no one will want this, trust me. Weight its a freakin wand $*%#@, how much does a freakin twig weigh?
When the wielder invokes the power of this wand, a single PC or NPC must Save vs. Wands or be irrevocably converted to a character of identical level from a previous edition of the current game system. Details are left to the Referee. 4th edition characters are converted to 3rd; 3rd to 2nd, 2nd to 1st, 1st to BECMI, BECMI to Holmes, Holmes to OD&D, OD&D characters are converted to Chainmail; Chainmail Heroes and Wizards are run using a Braunstein variant. If the current character is run using a Braunstein variant, then all participants must thereafter engage in actual physical or magical combat.
The Earl of Sandwich wrote:
Leg Warmers of the Steel Town Girl
This really was great! I could not help thinking of a "greater" version which casts create water above the dancer at the end of a performance... how this would actually help (unless on fire), i have no clue.
Hahaha, that's a great idea. Maybe at this point the audience would all have to make a Will save against DC 15 or throw a minimum value of 1 gp at the dancer....
Found 'em!
Truly, my proudest moment ...
Pants of the Many Monkeys
This simple pair of khaki adventuring pants contains, hidden in its many goody-sized pockets, monkeys. Many, many monkeys.
Each day, upon command ("Monkeys!") the pants produce 3d12 monkeys (see page 267, MM). These monkeys are CRAZY monkeys, however, and no amount of training, yelling or stomping of feet will get these monkeys to stop it with their crazy monkey shenanigans.
OMG!! I laughed my ass off for about 10 minutes... thank you for that Boomer. You are clearly a higher being sent to us from aliens with an inane sense humour!
WIG OF ANGST
Aura moderate enchantment; CL 6th
Slot head ; Price 19.99 gp; Weight 1 lb.
DESCRIPTION
This wig may only be worn by males. It's black hair is painstakingly arranged to appear slightly disheveled. One lock of hair always falls down to cover one of the wearer's eyes, inflicting a -5 circumstance penalty on all sight-based Perception checks; this effect can be temporarily removed by holding the hair out of the way with one hand, but it will fall right back into place immediately when released. The wearer suffers a -5 penalty to all morale-related Will and Fortitude saves (“morale-related” at DM's discretion), and automatically fails all endurance checks. The wearer also suffers a -10 penalty to all Charisma-based skill checks, unless he is interacting with a female with a Wisdom score less than 10, in which case he gains a +10 bonus to his Charisma-based skill checks. Finally, the wearer's hit-point total is reduced by half and he suffers a -2 penalty to Armor Class and a -4 penalty to Base Attack Bonus.
Removing the wig is a full-round action that provokes attacks of opportunity and requires a successful morale-based Will save followed immediately by a successful morale-based Fortitude save. The DC for each save is 20. If the wearer fails either save, he may not attempt to remove the wig again for a number of days equal to the margin by which he failed the save.
If the wearer attempts to use the Bardic Music class ability, the chosen effect does not take place. Instead, all creatures able to hear the music must make an immediate Will save with a DC equal to the wearer's Perform check (don't forget the -10 penalty!). Creatures who fail the save are so overwhelmed with anguish that they commit suicide immediately by the most convenient means available. Creatures who successfully make the save suffer a -1 morale penalty to all checks for a number of rounds equal to the wearer's perform check. Females with Wisdom scores less than 10 who fail this will save (don't forget the +10 bonus!) do not commit suicide, but instead fall deeply and madly in love with the wearer, but don't do anything about it because they “wouldn't want to hurt him.”
CONSTRUCTION
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, melodramatic wail, pity of self, manicure; Cost 1,000,000 gp
GREATER MEDALLION OF FLAVOR
Aura strong illusion; CL 17th
Slot neck ; Price 100,000 gp; Weight 5 lb.
DESCRIPTION
This medallion consists of a large, jewel-encrusted golden disc hanging from a heavy gold chain. The ornate disc is almost as big in diameter as a buckler, and has a sundial on its face. Regardless of lighting conditions or the orientation or position of the sundial, there is always a shadow on it which indicates the correct time.
Any other equipment worn by the wearer of a greater medallion of flavor is made to appear as if it is gold-plated and studded with diamonds. The wearer's Charisma is increased by 4, and the wearer gains an additional +4 bonus to all Charisma-based skill checks made to influence members of the opposite sex.
Once per day, as a full-round action, the wearer may summon 2d4 followers. These followers are always extremely attractive, scantily clad members of the opposite sex. The followers will focus their adoring attention on the wearer of the medallion and will agree enthusiastically with anything said by the wearer. On command, the followers will precede the wearer through any door or archway and perform a flashy and suggestive song and dance routine as the wearer follows them through. The followers disappear after 1 hour, unless dismissed sooner.
CONSTRUCTION
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, Daddy's greater macking, glow of the brilliant bling, pimptastic transformation; Cost 50,000 gp
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The Book of Heavy Metal
Anyone whose name is written in this book immediately gains a +10 circumstance bonus to all Perform (Heavy Metal) checks they make. Also, that person's Charisma is treated as if increased by 2 in the eyes of evil creatures and young teen males (unless the person is female, then the effective CHA increases by 4).
See the video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o-pN8qAiZhQ
(My primary game system is either B/X or OD&D, if you can't tell)
Wand of DEVO
And here I was hoping it had something to do with whips, funny hats, and keyboards. ;__;