Joe Outzen

[Joe Outzen]

So you don't like what I've done with the place? Ah, well, I'm just getting started. A pity you won't live to see the result.

A nature spirit from the demon plane, Kotalya is a twisted mockery of the more common benevolent nymphs. Although she shares said nymphs' otherworldly beauty, there is no mistaking her for one. Her oily, black hair frames a pale face marked by vivid purple eyes. Leathery, ash-blue wings emerge from her scaled back, and her fingers end in viciously sharp claws. Clad in cobbled-together scraps of fur, none can doubt how she treats the local wildlife.

One of the last of her kin, Kotalya fled the war-torn demon lands for a woodland lake in the Material Plane. She found the pristine wilderness there disgusting and unsuitable for her domain. To correct this, she used her alchemical and magical talents to convert the lake into a pool of sickening sludge and filth – now known as Demonlake. She worked similar transformations on the local wildlife, twisting the flora and fauna to her whims: vile, thorny trees offer no fruit to the hungry, while sinewy wolves with fiery eyes stalk unwary travelers.

Despite Kotalya's malevolence towards the local wildlife, she feels no immediate need to spread her influence past her home. She contents herself with survival away from the strife of the demon plane, in a home of her own making. However, if threatened, she will defend her lands relentlessly. Often, she will hunt travelers who simply wander into her domain, more for fun than for own protection.

KOTALYA, MISTRESS OF DEMONLAKE CR 9 [7 Nymph, +2 Half-fiend]

Female Half-fiend Nymph
CE Medium Outsider (Extraplanar)
Init +7 [Dex +7]; Senses darkvision 60 ft., low-light vision; Listen +12 [9 ranks, +3 Wis], Spot +12 [9 ranks, +3 Wis]
Aura blinding beauty

DEFENSE

AC 26 [10, +5 deflection, +7 Dex, +4 natural), touch 22 [10, +5 deflection, +7 Dex],
flat-footed 19 [10, +5 deflection, +4 natural]
(+5 deflection, +7 Dex, +4 natural)
hp 33 (6d6+12 [Fey Hit Die, +2 Con, x6])
Fort +11 [+2 Fey base Fort, +2 Great Fortitude, +2 Con, +5 Cha], Ref +17 [+5 Fey base Ref, +7 Dex, +5 Cha], Will +13 [+5 Fey base Will, +3 Wis, +5 Cha]
Defensive Abilities DR 10/cold iron, 5/magic; Immune poison; Resist acid 10, cold 10, electricity 10, fire 10; SR 16 [10, +6 Hit Dice]

OFFENSE

Spd 40 ft. [30 ft., +10 ft. enhancement], fly 30 ft. (average), swim 20 ft.
Melee claw +11 [+3 BAB, +7 Dex, +1 enhancement] (1d4+3 [medium half-fiend claw, +1 enhancement, +2 Str]) and
claw +10 [+3 BAB, +7 Dex] (1d4+2 [medium half-fiend claw, +2 Str]) and
bite +5 [+3 BAB, +7 Dex, –5 secondary] (1d6+1 [medium half-fiend bite, +1 half Str])
Ranged dagger +10 [+3 BAB, +7 Dex] (1d4+2 [medium dagger, +2 Str])
Space 5 ft.; Reach 5 ft.
Special Attacks smite good, stunning glance
Spell-Like Abilities (CL 7th):
1/day—dimension door (DC 19 [10, +4 spell level, +5 Cha])
(CL 6th):
3/day—darkness
1/day—desecrate, unholy blight (DC 19 [10, +4 spell level, +5 Cha])
Spells Prepared (CL 7th):
4th—freedom of movement (DC 17 [10, +4 spell level, +3 Wis])
3rd—call lightning (DC 16 [10, +3 spell level, +3 Wis]), dominate animal (DC 16 [10, +3 spell level, +3 Wis]), poison (DC 16 [10, +3 half CL, +3 Wis])
2nd—barkskin, cat's grace (DC 15 [10, +2 spell level, +3 Wis]), heat metal (DC 15 [10, +2 spell level, +3 Wis]), summon swarm
1st—entangle (DC 14 [10, +1 spell level, +3 Wis]), longstrider, magic fang (DC 14 [10, +1 spell level, +3 Wis]), obscuring mist, speak with animals
0—detect magic, flare (DC 13 [10, +0 spell level, +3 Wis], x2), guidance (DC 15 [13, +0 spell level, +3 Wis]), light, resistance (DC 13 [10, +0 spell level, +3 Wis])

TACTICS

Before Combat Kotalya will typically cast barkskin, longstrider, and freedom of movement on herself as soon as she feels she is entering a dangerous situation. She adds cat's grace and magic fang shortly before combat begins. Her stat block reflects these spells.

During Combat Kotalya likes to stay airborne, using her spells and special abilities to disrupt her foes. She will nearly always enter combat with Blinding Beauty active; she'll only turn it off if she has significant help from allies. Typically, she will start combat with call lightning to allow her to deal damage at range. If drawn into melee, Kotalya won't shy away from fighting with her natural weapons, but if she can, she'll use entangle, obscuring mist, or summon swarm to bind her foes or dimension door to move out of their reach. She uses her Stunning Glance or cast poison to disable high-priority targets, particularly arcane casters.

Morale Kotalya is quick to flee if she feels overpowered. In particular, she will try to escape if the opponent shows significant ability to fly or if over half of her allies fall without removing the same number of opponents. If she finds herself in combat without help or surprise, she will immediately flee.

Base Statistics
Init +5 [Dex +5]
AC 21 [10, +5 deflection, +5 Dex, +1 natural], touch 20 [+5 deflection, +5 Dex], flat-footed 16 [+5 deflection, +1 natural]
(+5 deflection, +5 Dex, +1 natural)
Ref +15 [+5 Fey base Ref, +5 Dex, +5 Cha]
Spd 30 ft.
Melee 2 claws +8 [+3 BAB, +5 Dex] (1d4+2 [medium half-fiend claw, +2 Str]) and
bite +3 [+3 BAB, +5 Dex, –5 secondary] (1d6+1 [medium half-fiend bite, +1 half Str])
Ranged dagger +8 [+3 BAB, +5 Dex] (1d4+2 [medium dagger, +2 Str])
Dex 21 [nymph 17, +4 half-fiend]
Skills Escape Artist +14 [9 ranks, +5 Dex], Hide +14 [9 ranks, +5 Dex], Move Silently +14 [9 ranks, +5 Dex], Ride +7 [0 ranks, +2 synergy (Handle Animal), +5 Dex], Use Rope +5 [0 ranks, +5 Dex] (+7 with bindings [0 ranks, +2 synergy (Escape Artist), +7 Dex])

STATISTICS

Str 14 [nymph 10, +4 half-fiend], Dex 25 [nymph 17, +4 enhancement, +4 half-fiend], Con 14 [nymph 12, +2 half-fiend], Int 20 [nymph 16, +4 half-fiend], Wis 17 [nymph 17], Cha 21 [nymph 19, +2 half-fiend]
Base Atk +3 [+3 Fey BAB]; Grp +5 [+3 BAB, +2 Str]
Feats Great Fortitude, Skill Focus (Concentration), Weapon Finesse
Skills [(8 Outsider skill points, +5 Int) x (3, +6 Hit Dice) = 117 skill points] Appraise +5 [0 ranks, +5 Int] (+7 with alchemy [0 ranks, +2 synergy (Craft), +5 Int]), Bluff +14 [9 ranks, +5 Cha], Concentration +14 [9 ranks, +3 Skill Focus, +2 Con], Craft (alchemy) +14 (9 ranks, +5 Int], Diplomacy +9 [0 ranks, +2 synergy (Bluff), +2 synergy (Sense Motive), +5 Cha], Disguise +5 [0 ranks, +5 Cha] (+7 when acting [0 ranks, +2 synergy (Bluff), +5 Cha]), Escape Artist +16 [9 ranks, +7 Dex], Handle Animal +14 [9 ranks, +5 Cha], Heal +12 [9 ranks, +3 Wis], Hide +16 [9 ranks, +7 Dex], Intimidate +16 [9 ranks, +2 synergy (Bluff), +5 Cha], Listen +12 [9 ranks, +3 Wis], Move Silently +16 [9 ranks, +7 Dex], Ride +9 [0 ranks, +2 synergy (Handle Animal), +7 Dex], Sense Motive +12 [9 ranks, +3 Wis], Survival +12 [9 ranks, +3 Wis], Spot +12 [9 ranks, +3 Wis], Use Rope +7 [0 ranks, +7 Dex] (+9 with bindings [0 ranks, +2 synergy (Escape Artist), +7 Dex]); Kotalya has a +8 racial bonus on any Swim check to perform some special action or avoid a hazard; she can always choose to take 10 on a Swim check, even if distracted or endangered; she can use the run action while swimming, provided she swims in a straight line.
Languages Common, Sylvan
SQ wild empathy
Combat Gear 5 daggers; Other Gear none

SPECIAL ABILITIES

Blinding Beauty (Su): This ability affects all humanoids within 30 feet of Kotalya. Those who look directly at her must succeed on a DC 18 [10, +3 half Hit Dice, +5 Cha] Fortitude save or be blinded permanently as though by the blindness spell. Kotalya can suppress or resume this ability as a free action. The save DC is Charisma-based.

Smite Good (Su): Once per day Kotalya can make a normal melee attack to deal extra damage equal to her HD (+6) against a good foe.

Stunning Glance (Su): As a standard action, Kotalya can stun a creature within 30 feet with a look. The target creature must succeed on a DC 18 [10, +3 half Hit Dice, +5 Cha] Fortitude save or be stunned for 2d4 rounds. The save DC is Charisma-based.

Unearthly Grace (Su): Kotalya adds her Charisma modifier as a bonus on all her saving throws, and as a deflection bonus to her Armor Class. (The statistics block already reflects these bonuses).

Wild Empathy (Ex): This power works like the druid's wild empathy class feature, except that Kotalya has a +6 racial bonus on the check.

ALLIES

Kotalya has at her beck and call a host of fiendish creatures and semi-aware plants. These "pets" accompany Kotalya everywhere within her domain, acting as servants and guardians for their master.

In addition, Kotalya has taken a band of renegade druids under her wings. These druids, drawn to a more brutal side of nature, call themselves the Claws of Demonlake. They enforce Kotalya's will and spread her distorted version of nature — as well as terror and pain — throughout the region. Though the Claw's enthusiasm abroad amuses her, Kotalya only asks them to defend and maintain her new home.

PLOT HOOKS

Kotalya's defiling has polluted the Rilamor River. Once rich with fish, the pollution has turned the river barren. Fields watered from the Rilamor yield sickly crops and little harvest. Healers in riverside settlements are in high demand, as Blinding Sickness borne by the river strikes many who drink from it.

Kotalya has sent the Claws of the Demonlake out to hunt the remnants of the druids that previously kept her region. She intends to draw the members of that conclave into her domain, where she will hunt them for sport.

Although beyond her ability, Kotalya hopes to bring a select number of her fiendish kin into the paradise she has created in the Material Plane. To that end, she has recently made contact with the demons who brought her to this plane in the first place.

[Clark Peterson]

Initial Impression: Very nice, but I think you made a poor design choice when you decided that she had no desire to expand and simply wanted to protect her new home. That limits her. I prevents her from coming fully into conflict with the PCs. If she had set her sights on nearby towns or villages which she planned to consume one by one, now that would be a villain. I must say that you have a great creature here with some interesting ideas, but that decision to make her so passive as a villain is a mistake in my mind.

[Clark Peterson]

Word count: 497.

[Wolfgang Baur]

Oh, I'm liking the demonic nymph and the renegade druids. The nymph/demon combo is two great flavors I just haven't seen put together, but it works. Dimension door is a great mechanical standard for villains, the nymph's stunning beauty ability is twisted to wonderfully evil ends. Those mechanics and flavor together tell me you've got a fine core concept. And hey, despoiling any PC's favored woodlands makes a pretty good hook.

However, as Clark points out, though, they aren't exactly an ambitious bunch. That's a limit that could be easily altered (rewrite one sentence to read "Kotalya's malevolence towards the local wildlife is growing, and she feels the need to spread her influence past her home.") I like that the hooks and minions show the druid cult as fairly ambitious, and show Kotalya's long-term plans in concrete ways (river, more demons). Those seeds are enough for an experienced DM to conjure a plot arc from.

I think Kotalya makes an excellent villain for wilderness-oriented groups packed with druids, barbarians, rangers, or elves — and we don't see a lot of wilderness villains.

You may want to think more ambitiously for future rounds, though. This is a very solid, creative entry, but trying something less in the mainstream fantasy style may help you stand out from the pack.

Recommended for Top 8.

[Clark Peterson]

Villain Concept (name, title, is it actually a villain?, design choices, playability?): A
The Good: Love it. Great concept. I can already see myself wanting to use her. In the immortal words of Renee Zellweger: “You had me at half-fiend nymph.”
The Bad: None. I guess, to nitpick, the “evil nature girl” stereotype is a bit tired but I thought you busted through that.

Stat Block Execution (proper content, proper format, good math, generally mistake free?, not abusing word count?): A-
The Good: Nice and clean. Well-executed.
The Bad: The tactics text is a bit passive. That is such a common problem. Don’t tell me what she will do, tell me what she does. But the tactics are good otherwise and helpful.

Description (quality of writing, hook?, theme?, organization, contains all mandatory content—physical description, motivation/goal, scheme/plot?): B
The Good: I like the allies section of the description. That was a good choice. Good work putting the text up front to hook us. Well written. I loved her description.
The Bad: Your main problem was how you limited her to her home, which reduces her “villain-ness” by making her less likely to have conflict with the PCs. Demonlake as a name is a tad cliché. That drags down a great entry—but it drags it down from A to B, so I guess that isn’t that bad. Conflict—that is what villains are about. Nothing about your entry should minimize that. But as you can see, I consider that a major mistake.

Tilt (did it grab me?, is it unique and cool?, do I like it?, flavor and setting?): A
The Good: Grabbed me by the throat.
The Bad: Too passive. Once you got me by the throat, I need to be swallowed whole.

Overall: A-
Great villain, marred only a bit by not maximizing conflict.

Joe, I really loved your torch. I thought your country was very good if perhaps not the absolute best it could be. However, this villain in my opinion is right where you want to be. Your submissions have really been strong and creative. Very nice work. I can see your growth from this contest. You could be our Superstar. I dont see any real missteps in your three entries so far.

Strongly RECOMMENDED for Top 8

[Erik Mona]

I think you led with your best material, and putting the descriptive bits up front above the stat block was an excellent choice that got me immediately engaged in the submission. The first descriptive paragraph after the italic intro was very well executed, and you've definitely created a "cool-looking" villain, which is important.

I like the idea of a nymph from the Abyss who comes to the world and finds the natural surroundings not to her liking. I really like the idea of an alchemically treated lake (although I must say that I think "Demonlake" is a pretty weak name for it), and I like that the villain comes with a compelling, interesting mini-setting that would be fun to explore in the game. The mention of sinewy wolves with fiery eyes stalking unwary travelers was a nice touch.

Giving her the Claws of Demonlake and associated plant and natural creatures as allies sets her up as more than just a single encounter, and provides a handful of entry points into the campaign without exposing Kotalya herself to a fight (where she will, let's face it, probably die). That's good thinking and it helps to cross the bad guy/villain divide the judges have been harping on.

I do suggest you look out for clichés, as you tend to fall back on them a lot. Avoid stuff like "at her beck and call" and "under her wing." You're fully capable of coming up with more interesting and less hackneyed ways of communicating the same ideas.

The biggest flaw I see here is that you've set Kotalya up as a recluse who isn't that interested in leaving her natural paradise. I think the Claws mitigate that somewhat, but without that sentence I think the submission would have been stronger and there would be fewer limits to how a GM might use this character in a campaign.

Still, though, she's cool looking, she's interesting, the writing is on, and the mechanics don't fail my initial spot test.

And that's good enough for me. Nice work. RECOMMENDED FOR TOP 8.

[Mactaka]

I guess I was a little confused at firs. I didn't get her villainy-ness until I read the plot hooks, mainly because of that "lack of ambition" statement you put in the opening paragraphs.

Just think more could have been done...Sinister seductive recruitment drives...wanting to spread the nature of the abyss beyond the borders of the lake...

Do like the Claws though...makes for a good set up for a long term foe.

[Dan Jones]

This hippy-chick is so evil, she doesn't shave her legs!

I really like this, if only because the big bad of my last campaign was an evil nymph (but because she was horribly scarred from an encounter with a copper dragon, her Blinding Beauty was replaced with the green hag's Horrific Appearance).

Especially since she can fly, one would think she would want to expand her territory so she can soar over an abysmal alchemical paradise.

Also, I'm concerned about her only having 33 hp as a CR 9. That's like a single hit from a heavy hitter, or a SUCCESSFUL save against an Empowered Fireball/Lightning Bolt. She might work best against a lower level party, like 5th or 6th.

[Silas McDermott]

SmiloDan wrote:

This hippy-chick is so evil, she doesn't shave her legs!

SmiloDan summed it up nicely.

Great entry. It's defintely one of my favorites.

[Craig Clark]

I really, really want to like this as a main villain for an adventure but I think it would need work as such. The main problem as the judges already beat into the ground is the fact that she is limited to a certain area and the main hook being she hunts people down who travel through that area. Everything about that hook screams single shot encounter.

Still the visual of the monster and the name will probably overcome everything else. Cool creature!

[Chris Mortika]

SmiloDan wrote:

... Also, I'm concerned about her only having 33 hp as a CR 9. That's like a single hit from a heavy hitter, or a SUCCESSFUL save against an Empowered Fireball/Lightning Bolt. She might work best against a lower level party, like 5th or 6th.

That's the general problem with fey: their hit points are pathetic. (And, I suppose, that makes sense from one point of view. Do you really want the party's doughty warrior wailing on Tinkerbell, just to have her laugh off the pathetic power-attacking great sword weilder?)

They make up for it, though, by being friggin' hard to find, pin down, and hit. Take a look at her AC, damage reduction, saving throws, and spell resistance.

(Having said that, though, I would have given her more defense-oriented tactics. She has druids and wolves and stuff to battle the PC's, and even a half-fiend nymph has to realize that if she actually needs barkskin, something bad's already happening.)

I'll speak up and say that I like the fact that she's territorial. There are still plenty of ways for a good DM to bring the Pc's to her, and her attitude gives an overmatched or unlucky party an easy chance to escape -- just leave, she probably won't pursue -- and recuperate. Also, I think that her connection with the lake ties in well with a nature spirit.

Which means, I suppose, then when the party wrecks her plans and kills her druids and cleans up her area, and she actually decides to come gunning for them, she's that much scarier.

[William Cronk]

I like her, in some ways. She reminds me of a nature loving slaneeshi daemonette. That said, I am still mulling her over. I'll have to see. Cool idea though.

WC

[pallen]

I'm a sucker for good creatures gone bad, so this entry really caught my eye. I really enjoyed the corrupted forest theme and the imagery of Kotalya trying to replicate her demonic woodlands home. At first, I had a couple of reservations about this entry -- Kotalya's reluctance to expand her territory and her relative fragility. But I can see her as a perfect end-of-adventure villain (with the PC's investigating the corruption of the woods) who has lots of ways to escape and turn into a campaign-level villain out for vengeance against the PC's.

All in all, a strong entry, and one that gets my vote.

[Heathansson]

This is the second one I read. Wow.

I love the evil druid crew she's drummed up. Again rich with plothooky goodness. I'd definitely use this; I'm a big fan of Slaine the Horned God, and evil snarky druid stuff is tight.

I can allready see that narrowing down to four votes is going to be a hard and tear frought process.

[Greedy_Smurf]

Count me down for liking this one as well. Which is a problem because I have four votes ready after only 9 entries.

She could definitely become an ongoing campaign villain, after an initial encounter with the PC's. There was something about this entry that just grabbed me, and made me think - Cool!!!

[Mothman]

You can’t go too far wrong with a half-fiend nymph I always say!

Pretty cool villain, although I’d echo the sentiment of wishing she was more ambitious / expansionist. As it is, you’ve kind of set her up to be the BBEG of one adventure, rather than having much potential as a longer term or recurring villain.

Interesting design choice, using a templated monster with no class levels. That’s certainly not a bad choice, and I much prefer a fairly simple stat block to having heaps of options that most villains will never get a chance to use; however, you may have missed an opportunity to show off your stat-block-fu here, which I took to be one of the aims of this leg of the contest. On the other hand, better to keep it simple and do it right than go for complex and mess it up.

[Lathiira]

Yay for half-fiend nymphs! Fey need more love as villains. Too often they're portrayed as elitist, snobby ageless creatures attached to the classic Seelie court or as cute and overly-friendly/helpful/mischievous critters there to give the druid an excuse to practice his Sylvan.

That said, a little more ambition wouldn't hurt her much. She had the ambition to get out of the Abyss and stake out her own place, so why not expand her influence?

Also, I'm a little concerned about her fragility, but that's unfortunately par for the course with fey. Good projectile weaponry wouldn't hurt, not with her existing Dex bonus. Especially ranged touch attacks.

Still gets a thumb's up here. Had me thinking of the Amaranth Agenda from Dungeon, which was one of my favorite short adventures of all time.

[Ragwaine]

Ignore my notes. It's just easier to post them here where I can always find them.

Nymph Half-Fiend. Physical description kind of anime-ish. Writing sub-par, Demonlake really bad name. How did she get to the prime - sounded like it was easy. Not "real" enough.

[Grimcleaver]

It's hard to do a demon-nymph. She ends up coming across, I think, as too much of an anti-nymph. Nymphs like pretty things, she hates them and makes them polluted and ugly. It would have been nice if her aesthetic was a bit more nuanced. Likewise I never came away with much of a sense of who she is--other than a refugee from the demon place who was chased out by war and now hunts people sometimes and corrupts a lake. I would really like more of a window into her nature and desires. It's okay, I think, for her to have a limited scope of ambition, but all of this basically comes down to her hating nature and good things because she's a demon and bad.

That said, I love the idea of an evil version of blinding beauty, and the ability to fly so she's more mobile and capable of killing you with her beauty no matter where you hide. I would have liked more of a sense of her beauty though. The entry seems super light on description, other than her greasy black hair and weird eyes--which both make me think Samara rather than super hot.

[Chris Mortika]

Mothman wrote:

You can’t go too far wrong with a half-fiend nymph, I always say!

Which is why the bank tellers are getting concerned about you.

[Ernest Mueller]

Quick thoughts:
+1 for being low CR, shows style IMO
-1 for being boring

Seems a bit too insular to make a good villain. I could see her as a miniboss in something perhaps.

[Steven Helt]

I get that there is a horrific beauty to some fiends, but I don't see that as compatible with the blindingly innocent nymph beauty. I tried to think of Kotalya as a different creature like a nymph, but when I start seeing scales and horns, the whole thing is gone for me and now all I see is another succubus.

Kotalya is good work and well-written, but not a villain. A party is either going to her place and die, or go to her place and kill her, or not go to her place. If I wanted her threatening my PCs outside her Demonlake (awful name, not creative at all), I guess I could send her new demon servitors after or near them for some nefarious reason, but then I am doing your job, and instead of buying the product, I'm taking a loose idea and running it my way.

Congratulations on making the top 16 out of 855. That's an amazing accomplishment.

[Xaaon of Xen'Drik]

She will be making an appearance in my Eberron campaign. She will be a bit more diabolic in my game though.

This is my #4 vote!

Looking forward to your 4th round entry.

[Michael Raper]

Demonic Nymphs, gotta love em. Used a few of them in my last campaign. Players loathed them!

Overall this is a solid entry. You made a wise choice by putting the stat block further down in your entry. Getting stats hurled at me right off always makes it difficult to get into the meat of the character.

This one is on my short list for the voting.

[Jason Nelson]

Mothman wrote:

You can’t go too far wrong with a half-fiend nymph I always say!

Pretty cool villain, although I’d echo the sentiment of wishing she was more ambitious / expansionist. As it is, you’ve kind of set her up to be the BBEG of one adventure, rather than having much potential as a longer term or recurring villain.

Interesting design choice, using a templated monster with no class levels. That’s certainly not a bad choice, and I much prefer a fairly simple stat block to having heaps of options that most villains will never get a chance to use; however, you may have missed an opportunity to show off your stat-block-fu here, which I took to be one of the aims of this leg of the contest. On the other hand, better to keep it simple and do it right than go for complex and mess it up.

Shoot even if you get it right, complex can be overdone, but the bigger the stat block the more chances for little errors to come through (which I found out on mine).

Cool concept, simple, clean, elegant, and well-executed. Good job.

[propeliea]

This strikes me as a villain I could see ina Bioware game. That's not a bad distinction given the nature of this contest.

I like the cult more than I like the main villain oddly. I think i would have liked a more classical class and standard race with a similar setting. Something more Rosemary's baby. Though there's demon there too.

I think I could warm to this one, but I just can't shake the feeling that the setting and minions are more interesting than the main antagonist. I feel bad for holding that against the entry on some level.

[Spitfire22]

Fine concept from beginning to end. The initial quote is nice, if on the Bond-villain side. The hooks give a sense for how to draw in characters at several different levels and at several different points in a campaign; lower level characters could encounter her druid minions, and higher level ones might need to deal with a few demons. She's so much more than a mere bad guy. (I picture her flying away from an initial combat while vowing revenge, then returning to plague the adventurers.) The weakness (lack of motivation) can be corrected easily. This villain seems a good villain for a mid-level party.

The writing is usually solid ("vile, thorny trees offer no fruit to the hungry, while sinewy wolves with fiery eyes stalk unwary travelers"). But allow me to point out some serious problems with dangling modifiers:

Original: Clad in cobbled-together scraps of fur, none can doubt how she treats the local wildlife.
The "none" of the main clause are not the ones clad in fur.
Revision: Clad in cobbled-together scraps of fur, Kotalya treats the local wildlife with ...

Original: Once rich with fish, the pollution has turned the river barren.
The "pollution" is not rich with fish.
Revision: Once rich with fish, the barren river is brown with pollution.

Original: Although beyond her ability, Kotalya hopes to bring a select number of her fiendish kin into the paradise she has created in the Material Plane.
This one is unfortunately laughably amusing: Kotalya herself should certainly not be "beyond her ability."
Revision: Although leading demons is beyond her ability, Kotalya hopes ...

I make these observations about grammar because I like what you have done here; I would like to see more polished work in future rounds. Also, I see judges picking on comma splices and passive voice, so I'm confident that some aspiring writers out there will appreciate this lengthy post.

[Hideously Deformed]

I'm generally not fond of fey, but the writing was exceptionally clear and engaging for Kotalya from from the start, and she has a cool/unusual twist.

The post directly above ^ (as well as several others) points out some of the clunky spots, but I got the general idea. Amping up her expansionistic intentions will be easy...by adding a few lines of text (which several people have suggested).

Pronouncing her name isn't an exercise in oral gymnastics, while still retaining a fantasy spin. Players and DMs alike will appreciate that.

I immediately saw the potential of this villain. (Sadly, I can't say that was true with a large majority of these entries.)

While I'm currently undecided on whether to vote for your entry, I wish to offer a compliment: I full intend to *yoink* this idea for my own use.

Good luck!

[magdalena thiriet]

I'll ignore the sentence about lack of ambition, and really like the entry.

[Set]

I love the concept, a 'fey' from the underworld, trying to remake the upper world in her own dark, twisted image. It's got a Gaiman-esque feel to it.

[varianor]

adanedhel9 wrote:

So you don't like what I've done with the place? Ah, well, I'm just getting started. A pity you won't live to see the result.

Good opener. Short and pithy. Nice monster concept (half-fiend nymph) worked into a villain of sorts with her fiendish lake. I have a small concern that a nymph of this CR with only 33 hp will last one, maybe two rounds at best if she gets near combat, even with some DR. She needs a Thug or two and some more minions. Which leads me to the minions. I found the description led me to expect more, which again limited the opportunities due to the format to expand upon interesting details like these. Ultimately, she has more of a feel of a wilderness encounter than a villain.

[Joe Outzen]

Thank you all for your feedback. I really do appreciate the time people have taken to comment, from the professional judges to the average gamers. Once voting ends, you can be sure I'll post to answer the critiques made here.

Vote demonic nymph!

[Jeb Boyt]

I like the corrupted nymph, but she seems more like an instance boss than a villain.

[Clark Peterson]

"instance boss"? please, 4e isnt here yet...

This is a villain.

[Steven Helt]

what the hell is an instance boss? and what's that advantage of assigning all these roles to different pcs and npcs? Why would we have healers and defenders? can't we just have clerics?

I wonder if i'll be able to play and/or write for DnD without using any of these stupid assignations...

Hope I didn't ust get myself into trouble.

[Nem-Z]

Subtle and interesting idea, if a little underwhelming compared to some of the others. Has great flavor, very much a twisted Gaiman-like charecter. Lack of ambition and tie to a specific location make it much less noteworthy though.

a strong maybe.

[Tio]

I like it. But that motivation part will have to change, and it will when using her in a campaign.

[Jeb Boyt]

Clark Peterson wrote:

"instance boss"? please, 4e isnt here yet...

Fine. This still seems more like an adventure than a villain. The Demonlake would make for a great adventure. I'm just not sure how to use her as a villain.

[Joel Flank]

I like the concept fo the demon-nymph, and don't mind the low hp. Between the DR, decent AC, and energy resistances, she can survive - especially once you ditch heat metal for bear's endurance. The biggest problem is the lack of bigger goal, but lots of minions and hooks mitigate this. This is another probable vote for me.

[Starglim]

The structure works well. The initial introduction to her personality is effective.

This is a simple mechanical concept - almost too simple - but her placement as the source of a spreading blot of unearthly evil is interesting and well-calculated to spark adventures. Its relative isolation and slow spread could actually work in a DM's favour to explain why she hasn't been inundated by the heroes of the kingdom trying to foil any grand schemes that she might have.

Her surroundings and minions sound like fun, though the rules implications are unclear.

I don't think this is ambitious enough, but I'll keep it in mind.

[Douglas Smith 33]

This one is borderline - she seems to have no goal other than protecting her claimed area. If the Claws were to do soemthing, or if she were expansionist I would make this definite.

[Charles Evans 25]

I wasn't certain about your entry in the last round (liked it, but wasn't too sure it would suit camapigns other than intrigue rich ones) and put my votes elsewhere; again this one is borderline (top five or six bracket on my list), but I'm erring the other way, this time.
She's insanely *bad* but I'm not sure how long she would last once a group of PCs came after her (owing to the river pollution hook), unless she got lucky with her fiendish charms.

If she could get away, as a recurring villain she might become excellent, (hungering for vengeance against these mortals who have driven her out of a new home, perhaps picking up a couple of levels, trailing them and generally making their lives hell) but that would be very much a matter of the rolls of the dice and whether or not the PCs happened to have any cold-iron weapons with them when they inevitably first encountered one another. (Magic weapons, if only from a spell, almost certain.)

[Tialan]

Personally, I appreciate the "lack of ambition." Gets a bit boring when every villain has to be some sort of megalomaniac. And it strikes me that between the overly zealous druids and the fact that you can't spoil a massive tract of wilderness without affecting your neighbors (whether intentionally or not), I think there's enough to attract PCs' attention.

The "lack of ambition" is really good for getting the PCs to be proactive, too. Rather than sitting around waiting for the villain to make her move and plans apparent, they have to venture forth into her domain and take her down. Combine that with the fact she likes hunting down interlopers herself, and you get a pretty fun "Who hunts the hunted?" situation.

Though I think it would be a good idea to give her latent motivation to actively harass those outside her domain (such as some precious object that could get stolen so she has to send her druids out to scour the neighboring countryside, or something similar).

[CastleMike]

Kotalya was a tough call for me right on the borderline for my top half but I only had 4 votes so good luck hope to see more of your work in round 4.

[Monica Marlowe]

Joe, this was a tough call and as stated elsewhere, we only get four votes. You were in my top 5 and I spent a long time contemplating my choice. Ultimately it came down to the lack of driving evil force in your villian that made me chose other candidates. I hope others feel differently and I'm looking forward to what you have to offer in the next round. Best of luck to you.

[Joe Outzen]

So now that voting has ended, I'd like to cover some of the common critiques you've made:

On Motivation: This was actually part of my inspiration. Shortly before I started thinking about this entry, one of my players was telling about a villain that he took from a Dungeon article - an alpha werewolf that was simply out to grow his pack. I liked the idea of a villain that wasn't trying to take over the world, or summon a dead god, or something equally megalomaniac - a villain who was just doing what came naturally to him, and that nature created conflict.

I definitely felt the problems with this when I started working on the entry, and I tried to cover it with the Claws and the plot-hooks (in particular, the second plot hook). I realize that I could've handled it a little bit differently; I'd have given her more reason to take personal interest in the world around her. She'd still not be expansionistic, but she'd be sending her Claws, and occasionally taking trips of her own, out into the wider world.

On "Demonlake": Yes, I put almost no thought into this name. It was originally a place-holder for a different name, but I never got around to finding that other, more creative, name. But I'd like people to think about this: many real-world toponyms are pretty boring. Heh, I grew up in the city of "The Cross" in the "Land of the Muskrat", and now live in metropolis of "Water City" in a state named "Cloudy Water". Now, this doesn't excuse my lack of thought, but I don't think that "Demonlake" is such a terrible name.

On Fragility: Unfortunately, this didn't really come across as strongly as I liked, but the idea was that she'd never enter combat without allies. Her pets and the Claws would hold back the party while she attacked at range with spells. If the party ever got to her, she'd be dead real fast, but they shouldn't get to her until all her resources had been drained.

Thank you all for your feedback, and especially thank your to those that voted for me.

[Joel Flank]

adanedhel9 wrote:

On "Demonlake": Yes, I put almost no thought into this name. It was originally a place-holder for a different name, but I never got around to finding that other, more creative, name. But I'd like people to think about this: many real-world toponyms are pretty boring. Heh, I grew up in the city of "The Cross" in the "Land of the Muskrat", and now live in metropolis of "Water City" in a state named "Cloudy Water". Now, this doesn't excuse my lack of thought, but I don't think that "Demonlake" is such a terrible name.

Or my favorite "Burkina Fasso" which translates to "The Land Where Men Walk Upright"

I hope you make it in!

[Clark Peterson]

Joe,

Very nice work. I'm glad you made it. I had a ton of fun with your torch, as you may have noticed. I thought there was genius there. I liked your country, but it wasnt my total favorite. Your villain I loved, but for the conflict issue. Each time you have really brought an interesting idea to the table. That counts for a lot (see my comments to Christine). You have the game to win this thing so keep working hard and improving.

Clark