Where's the love for Pulp Fiction? Okay, most of those aren't appropriate in a public forum, but with a little twisting, they're golden.
"The truth is, Ringo, you're the weak, and I am the tyranny of evil men. But I'm trying... real hard... to be the shepherd."
"Jules, if you give that f!@#ing nimrod that case, I'll kill him on general principal alone."
"This stays between you, me, and mister soon-to-be-living-the-rest-of-his-short-ass-life-in-agonizing-pain."
"You leave tonight, and when you're gone, you stay gone."
(If a PC were to be asked where he got something) "Zed." "Who's Zed?" "Zed's dead, baby, Zed's dead." (Substitute other words for 'baby' as needed)
"No. I'm pretty damned far from 'okay.'"
(The cocking of a shotgun) "Step aside, Butch."
"Now reach back into that bag and get me back my wallet." "Which one is it?" "It's the one that says Bad Mother F!@#er."
"There are two things I've learned in this world, how to deal death and how to deal fates worse then death. Today I will show you all that I know."
"You draw that steel and I'll take it away from you then shove it so far up your ass you'll puke razor blades."
"I hate you"
If I want your opinion, I'll read your entrails.
If I want your opinion, I'll read your entrails.
LOL!!!!
Gasher looked up. "You," he snarled.
"Me," Roland agreed. He fired once and the left side of Gasher's head disintegrated. The man went flying backward, bloodstained yellow scarf unravelling, and landed on top of the Tick-Tock Man. His feet drummed spastically on the iron grillework for a moment and then fell still.
Stephen King, The Waste Lands.
"Forgive them, Father, for they don't know what they are doing."
(of course the source of that quote didn't after that do major ass-kicking...unless you read apocryphal gospels, naturally).
I am also quite fond of dead-pan "Sorry about this."
Needs modification for use, but still a good line, also from Pulp Fiction: "I've been saying that shtick for years, and if you heard it, that meant your ass."
Commando's martial arts threat: "You've got two choices. Duck, or bleed." --The Soldier (1982 film)
"The character sheet says Neutral, not Nice." - Abberick, Urban Druid.
"I'm good at two things, Kickin' ass and takin' names. Looks like I'm all outta ink."
"I got good news, I'm very generous. I got bad news though, alls I got to give you are these arrows. Catch." *Fires arrows*
"You fight like a dairy farmer."
For a Cleric: "You know why I'm your worst nightmare? Because I can knock the snot outta you, break every bone in your thrice cursed body and remove a couple of organs while your bleedin' on the ground. Then I get to ask god for a personal favour, fix you right back up again. Then I get to start again."
For a stupid Cleric: "GOOD FOR THE GOOD GOD!"
For a bard: "I'll write a song about our fight. It'll be a short one. Less of a song and more like a poem. Actually It'll be more graffiti on your grave. You suck."
For a druid: "Did you know that a bear can tear the face clean off a man. Furthermore did you know I can in fact become a bear? Lets put these facts together shall we?"
For a monk: "I once put this through a steel door. Wanna see how well your armour fairs?"
For a ranger: "Huh, turns out I'm really good at killin' my favoured enemies. Care to find out what happens to the ones I don't favour so much?"
For a rogue, after the enemy is dead: "I prefer to banter to corpses. They tend to criticise less."
For a sorcerer: "You know I accidentally burned my village to the ground when I was twelve. I'm much older, and this room is much smaller."
For a wizard: "Don't think I can't kick your ass just because I read magic books."
Yeah though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I shall fear no evil - for I am the meanest son of a b&#~* in the valley.
For a wizard: "Don't think I can't kick your ass just because I read magic books."
ROFL! I like that one. :)
"I'm looking to remodel. Have you thought about a career as my draperies?"
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You live and learn. (Pause) Well, maybe not in your case. (draw sword)
Every day above ground is a good day. This isn't going to be your best day.
The key here, I think, is to not think of death as an end. But... but... think of it more as a very effective way of cutting down on your expenses.
And back to my favorite show...
Mal: It would be humiliating, having to lie there while a better man refused to spill your blood. Mercy is the mark of a great man.
*Stabs Atherton *
Mal: Guess I'm just a good man.
*Stabs him again *
Mal: Well, I'm all right.
*walks away*
"When I want your opinion I'll beat it out of you" - Chuck Norris
"I'm going to kick you in the ass so hard you'll be tasting shoe-leather for a week" - Me
You see, I know I’m going to hell, no doubt about that. The thing is, I like to have a welcoming committee ready and waiting wherever I go, so I figure I’ll send a couple of you folks to the pit before me. Any volunteers?
Buddy, my sword is bigger than you. What do you think is gonna happen when I hit you with it? - Monkey Grip+Half-Giant+Greatsword
Tell me, do you know what happens when you raise the temperature of a troll’s internal organs to an excess of 1080 degrees? Of course you don’t, you’re a Troll. I can promise you it will be very uncomfortable though. - Mage
You’re a gnome right? You can probably smell the bat guano in my pocket, can’t you? Then why exactly are you picking a fight with a mage this early in the morning! - Mage
Now you could spend your last few seconds of life trying to stab me with that toothpick of yours, but that’d be a waste of time. Mostly because you’re about to be eaten by a dragon. Everyone say hello to Ctarmocanix. - NPC
Have you ever heard of the theory of spontaneous arcane ignean invocation? No? No matter, you’ll burn just the same. - Mage
You have ten seconds before I paint the inside of this cave a charming shade of red. Wait a second, you’re a Mind Flayer, that’d make it more of a blue-purple colour right?
A few comments, mostly for mages.
"The skin of your face shall become the lining of my pockets!"
As quoted by a Halfling with 3 different personalities. A chaotic evil sorceror, a lawful good palidan, and a retarded 8 year old child. Guess which one he was at the time...
Oh, just remembered this one.
"You got a choice sucka! Six months in the hospital (raises right fist) or sudden F^$@ING Death! (Raises left fist)"
Said to me from no other than... my dad..
Here are some:
"Hmm I'll try not to do too much damage in order to kill you. After all, the tanner's apprentices might be able to practice with your sorry hide, your guts'll make a poor meal for the dogs at the local kennels but anything is better than nothing, and your skull will be a pathetic trophy but it will be something.
"You're like a boar so stupid that even after chewing off all of your legs you still have your tail caught in the trap. That's how stupid you are for thinking you could pose even the slightest challenge to me.
The following are adapted from lines from Star Trek
"Killing is a skill like any other. In order to maintain a level of excellence you must practice constantly and I think I'm going to be practicing in a minute if you don't shut up.
"At the first sign of stupidity, I will kill you but I promise to return your corpse to your family intact.
"A man shouldn't allow his enemies to outlive him. You certainly won't outlive the (day/night) and I certainly will.
"The most cooperative man in the multiverse is a dead man. If you don't shut up, you're gonna be cooperating.
"A sharp knife is nothing without a sharp eye. Yours is looking rather blunt and dull today.
My Grey elf Wizard in 2nd Ed:
Bandits hiding in the trees: "You gotta pay a toll to pass through here!"
Kheldoran (my wizard): "Surrender now, knaves, or I'll burn the forest down with you in it!"
Bandits: "Yeah right!"
Kheldoran: *FIREBALL*
Enemies step up, attack. Companions attack, enemies die.
Second wave steps up, attacks. Companions attack, enemies die.
Kheldoran, to survivors: "As you can see, your allies fall like wheat before our blades. Surrender now, and your lives may yet be spared!"
Enemies surrender.
Oni, half demon I played on an online game:
"KILL YOU!!"
"YOU DIE"
Thought of another
"You like fighting kobolds because you can pay them to fall in combat. You couldn't beat them any other way.
Specialist Wizards:
Abjurer: "You can't hurt me, but I can sure as heck hurt you!"
Conjurer: "Say hello to my little friends!" *summon*
Diviner: "I just asked my magic 8 ball if we'd be friends forever. Outlook not so good."
Enchantment: "Enemies can only kill you. Friends are the only ones capable of hurting you. And you're about to become my best buddy in the whole world."
Evocation: "In all my time adventuring do you want to know what fascinates me the most? Everything fried by a fireball smells like bacon, ante up porky."
Illusion: "The best part is you won't even see the ass kicking your about to get."
Necromancy: "I want you at your fighting best. Consider this a job interview, if you do well then you'll have eternal gainful emploment as one of my minions!"
Transmutation: "I'd turn you into a frog, but that'd be an insult to frogs. Perhaps you'd like an education on the lifecycle of the tapeworm."
Thought of another
"You like fighting kobolds because you can pay them to fall in combat. You couldn't beat them any other way.
Steven Purcell?... Holy non-sequitors Max I gotta throw a Sam and Max quote in quickly:
"Max: Allow me Sam, random acts of senseless violence are MY forte."
Sometimes quiet understatement speaks loudest. This happened last weekend.
The first two black dragon surprised the party with their breath weapons. On round two, they charged. By round six, the PCs were all down except the paladin, who was, strangely, unhurt. The two dragons were badly carved up too, but the paladin didn’t know how badly. That’s when the third dragon emerged. Everyone could smell TPK in the air. I held the dragons back, circling for a round, for dramatic effect. The paladin dropped to a knee and used her last lay-on-hands to stabilize the dying cleric. I had the dragons taunt her as they circled. The paladin stood, turning slowly about with her greatsword, her comrades all littered about her feet. She took a deep breath and said, quietly,
“There is no spoon.”
She slew the first dragon the next round, the second the round after that. It took her five more to finish the last.
Some low-key, but very menacing actions:
Holding bloody falchion, tip down in one hand, troll points at PC.
Man starts chuckling with his mouth closed (try it), and progressively gets slighlty out of control, until he is laughing, coughing and growling at the same time, then stops suddenly.
"Duty is heavy as a mountain, death as light as a feather."
Adapted from Godfather the game:
(softly) There are people in this world who go about demanding to be killed. You must have noticed them. They quarrel in gambling games. They humiliate and bully people whose capabilities they do not know. These are people who wander through the world shouting, "kill me". I have heard you, and I will oblige you.
Almost any threat, when whispered into an enemy's ear, takes on a sudden depth.
(holds out blade)Consider this: A fine piece of craftsmenship that took many days of labor to create. Every line, every groove speaks of the dedication of its maker. It is a work of art, devised to end life in the most expedient way possible. Even when it kills, it is beauty. The blood flows on it, following grooves and making striking patterns. However, you will not see that.
"Yes, it is through Pelor's light that all may see mercy. Oh, what's that? Hm. I guess the sun's gone down."
By the way, thanks to Kyr for one of his quotes: "You're not an opponent - you're not even a warm up."
"Yes, it is through Pelor's light that all may see mercy. Oh, what's that? Hm. I guess the sun's gone down."
By the way, thanks to Kyr for one of his quotes: "You're not an opponent - you're not even a warm up."
Glad to be of service.
Maybe someone with the appropriate feats could consolidate the actual tough talk statements into a new DM Tools tool - It might not see much use but it would be fun.
(A D&D gaming group I GM'd, walking into a cavern chock full of 72 max-hp Lizard Kings in 1st edition's Ruins of Castle Greyhawk):
" Roll initiative and get to dyin'. "
(The Walking Death Machine when I was a player, in the bowels of the Halls of the Fire Giant King):
" You, Mr Ancient Red Dragon, are sitting on our treasure. "
" Feh, mind flayers ... looks like more self-propelled calamari tonight boys. "
" Oh how cute ... how many sets of accessories you think this here hydra is good for ? Our mini-onions need new wardrobes. "
" A lich ... meh, waste him, we get more schwag. Not a problem. He can keep the phylactery, we don't need it. "
(Confronting the original demi-lich in the Tomb of Horrors):
" We went through all this @#!!, only to be confronted by a frickin' chorus skull ? Cleric, shut him the hell up, we're shovelling the schwag and gtfo'ing. " (Followed immediately by a Silence 15 ft. Radius by said cleric.)
(In Expedition to the Barrier Peaks):
" Hey, check this baby out ... *FWAP!* ... looks like the self-propelled calamari was actually onto something good ... we got any more of those funky coins lying around ? "
" Oh, look, a walking brain. " *Squishing sounds follow in short order, followed by a cook fire starting* " So, who's up for exotic cuisine tonight ? "
" Kay, the wee rabbit has a carnivorous tree stump attached to its rump ... *Star Trek 2 disintegration sound effects follow* ... " meh, still no frickin' schwag, hardly worth the xp. "
" Oh my, now THOSE are some serious frog legs ... I'm hungry, how 'bout the rest of ya ? "
(The Lost Caverns of Tsjocanth):
" Kay, I've seen some big frickin' horse flies, but these things take it waaay too far. " *Lightning spells fly* " Yep, bug zappers work fine on the big ones too. "
" What self-respecting vampire lives in a BOWL ?! "
" You spit lightning ? Taste cold measured in temperatures Kelvin big fella. "
(Descent into the Depths):
" Wow, that's a LOT of sushi in this place. We have enough wasabi ? "
" You know lady, I'm betting this here device will serve more than adequately as a lobster-cracker. Let's dance. "
" These elves have SO much scwhag ... we're going all Jamaican death squad on thier asses, we must have it all ! "
** This last is, for me, what cinched the nome de guerre as the Walking Death Machine. The WDM proceeded to butcher and loot the entirety of the noble houses in the Vault of the Drow. The other thing that may confuse the more knowledgable is, while as a teenager I GM'd a group that earned the name, I was in a player for a group that dubbed itself the WDM - and proved it. No familiars, no mounts (mules and other pack animals for schwag hauling, but we never bothered riding anything squishier than we were), we walked, hacked, looted and talked smack for a long, long time. One character, played to the age of 652, for yours truly. Retired but not forgotten ... good times, good times ... **
Turin's lines are most like what my players would say if they bothered with RP and banter.
Usually an enemy's threat it met with gales of laughter, then all of a sudden there are a bunch of dice clattering in front of me and everyone's figgering out their initiative.
I have vague recollections of two things:
A guard catching the barbarian in a lie, which prompted some childish huffing and puffing from the barbarian, and was then followed by "YOU'RE a stupid stupidhead!" Up went the axe, down went the axe. Not quite the fast-talker the player had been hoping to be. (Charisma was his dump stat)
Some male thugs threatening to turn the male paladin into some type of dancing partner or evening friend, to which the paladin sarcastically agreed suggesting something akin to "Maybe I should cut you into ribbons and tie them into my hair to make myself pretty for you!" Out came the sword, in went the sword. Not quite the paragon the player had been hoping to be. (Alignment was his dump stat)
Some had questioned or commented earlier on how it seemed tough talk was the sole domain of warriors. Mages don't have time to waste their wit on their inferiors, they simply sweep the stairs of their ascension clear.
"One of the group was Lens Larque: a murderer, thief, and general blackguard. He became an outcast, a 'rachepol,' and lost an ear. His other ear he lost only recently, at Tintle's Shade in Rath Eileann. How do I know? I cut it off myself."
"Your language offends me, inasmuch as I myself am Lens Larque."
"I am aware of this. I have come to kill you."
Lens Larque clenched his muscles and tried to seize Gersen's feet, but performed only a feeble cramped movement.
"What have you done to me?"
"I have poisoned you with cluthe. The back of your neck is now burning. Your arms and legs are already paralyzed. In ten minutes you will be dead. I wish I could kill you a dozen times."
--Jack Vance, "The Face"
Turin's lines are most like what my players would say if they bothered with RP and banter.
Usually an enemy's threat it met with gales of laughter, then all of a sudden there are a bunch of dice clattering in front of me and everyone's figgering out their initiative.
Some had questioned or commented earlier on how it seemed tough talk was the sole domain of warriors. Mages don't have time to waste their wit on their inferiors, they simply sweep the stairs of their ascension clear.
Moik,
I have to say that if the best " tough talk " your group can manage is mere laughter and stuttering helplessness, I feel for you, I really do. 'Tis bad enough having a BBEG talk poo to the PCs ... it becomes utterly unrewarding when the reply from the PCs is the silent rolling of inish dice ...
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In G3, I had this one guy playing a monk. They had this massive battle with all these giants. They put a hurting on the giants. So I have the last giant run away.
The monk says, "I'ma hawk 'im down."
I just fell over laughing and I say, "what?"
So he says, "I'ma monk, boah! I can hawk down uh giant!
That's what I do. I hawk 'im down."
Turin: They didn't RP their trash talk, but they had VERY detailed combat actions though, and that was highly entertaining. I didn't miss that there was no, y'know, "foreplay" or whatever. :)
Heathansson: "Hawk"?
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Shackled City; Flood Season, the beach under Cauldron, by the temple of the Ebon Triad...
Coda, the half-orc Fighter was in single combat with Triel, the flame-haired ex-town guard/Cleric of Hextor, and had taken an almighty blow from her great flail...
(Blood pouring from his helmet)"Is that the best you can do?" (Smacks her back with an almighty crit that leaves her reeling).
Would have been much more cool, if she hadn't lost her rag, and critted him straight back, this time with Smite and Power Attack, killing him stone dead....
Sorry, Nermal ;P
I dont want to kill you, and you dont want to be dead.
If you feeling froggy; jump cause if you wanna run with the big dogs you gotta get up ofta porch.
Things are already bad for you punk, now you want trouble too?
Sometimes you get whats coming around; sometime you are whats coming around - from the Dresden Files said by Michael, the Fist of God.
"Bad ain't here yet; but its coming..."
Time to talk to painless (along with any other conitations of the dead dont hurt routine)
Your life is about to be like a halfling vampire; short and sucky
(after several successful attacks) You keep leaving your defenses wide open; like your mom does her legs
(to a group of orcs) What's the difference between a gold statue and a pile of dead orcs? There isn't a gold statue in the room we just left
(from an ogre with a spiked chain)
You're gonna look like pulled pork when I'm done with you
Mmmm... I'm gonna make me some meat pudding
The rest are from a redneck character of mine:
We're about to run you through like a frog jumping on a porcupine.
We're about to topple you over like a sleeping moo cow.
We're gonna beat you like a borrowed mule.
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Spellcasters: "A sword thrust can be parried, an arrow deflected, but what can you against this?"
"The whispers in the dark speak secrets, secrets of life and secrets of death. Care to know your secret?"
"Your sword is but a piece of slag drawn from a furnace of whose heat you are about to discover."
"Men are but metal to be worked upon the forge of power. And I, I am the hammer."
"Those such as I learn much from the mysteries and power that surround each of us, moving from one lesson to the next. You, however, are about to learn your final lesson."
General use:
"If ever there was a moment to recount the deeds of your life, now would be the moment."
"Should you expect to succeed in your current course, I have some disappointing news for you."
"I shall sing over your grave, songs of woe and terror which will pale to your final moments."
"As men face their death, foolish men turn to bargaining in hopes to avert the inevitable. What offers are going through your mind right now, fool?"
The Three Musketeers had some good ones.
Porthos: Little pimple, meet me behind the Luxembourg at one o'clock and bring a long wooden box.
Milady: ... with a flick of my wrist, I could change your religion.
Aramis: I hope your sword is as quick as your mouth.
Rochefort: Bold words. I look forward to ramming them down your throat.
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"I like your eyes..." (a 1st edition magic-user, who had a robe of eyes made from actual eyes, and, it was strongly implied, was always adding to it)
"You have a lovely voice. One more for my choir of angels."
"War is always hardest on the survivors. In my mercy, I shall leave none."
"In death, I will give your meaningless life purpose."
<Holds up staff of the magi> "This is my boomstick!"
"Yes, technically I can't murder you, and have to haul you back for a jury by trial, now that you've surrended. But you forgot the 11th Commandment, which supercedes all others. Don't get caught."
<from a necromancer> "Your death will be swift, but the dying will never end."
<same necromancer, who used a magic jar-like spell to put someone's soul into their own animated body, which remained under the necromancer's control, leaving the spirit of the person a helpless passenger in his own zombie corpse> "I'm not going to kill you. I killed you yesterday, and today is the first day of the rest of your eternal hell."
Monster:"Don't make me destroy you!!!"
Me:"Don't make me make you."
Another one of my faves, I can't remember the Adult Swim cartoon name the second line comes from:
Monster: *long winded speech*
Player: "I had no idea there'd be this much talking."
DM's hate that by the way, kinda takes the wind out of their sails lmao.
Let's see here. One from a campaign back in 2E, out of character, by my best friend:
"I have 2 questions for you. What treasure type do you carry, and how much XP are you worth?"
Still makes the rounds at times.
A personal favorite from the G1 Transformers:
"I think I see our next unsuspecting volunteer."-Jazz
Not many from the current campaign; we tend to get by on stealth or get into fights before we're ready.
"You will tell me what I want to know, or I will rip your soul out right here and now and personally ship it to the afterlife."-Morag, not on one of her better days
"It's only natural to fear death. People fear what they do not understand. You stand there, threatening me, but you still fear that possibility that you won't walk away from this fight. But me? I have already died once. Do you really think I fear my Mistress?"-Morag, still not having a good day
"What is the damage of a falling Tycon?" From 2E; the barbarian named Tycon leapt off a cliff onto an enemy as the rest of the party watched and wondered.
"Pardon me, but have you heard of guns?" Party paladin in New York
"Why yes, yes I have." BBEG wizard whips out a pair and shoots the paladin and knocks him through a bookcase in the public library
And some Eastwood, pardon the misquote, it's been a while:
"If I see a man, I'm gonna shoot him. If any man takes a shot at me, I'm gonna shoot him, go to his house, shoot his wife, shoot his dog, and burn down the house afterward."
"You just shot an unarmed man!"
"He shoulda armed himself."
How about... "Man, even for a dragon you're ugly"!
I figure that's either tough talk or famous last words (which is where I believe the quote came from).