Kobolds of the Crowned King

Game Master Doug Hahn

Kadosh's eyes grow wide as Broomzad dies with two arrows in his chest. Cruel Pinkskins, just killing kobolds like they were some low-level pest. They'll learn, though. Oh, they'll learn.

"We should leave!" he hisses, suiting his actions to his words as he edges further away from the palisade.

"Vengeance will be ours!"

Imperius thinks a moment... "Uncle Dilgax, is the cauldron able to attack and eat pink skins? Will it be distracted if they talk to it?"

He thinks about sending the cauldron in to create havoc!

Pah! Likely it'll eat the young fool's body — what was his name? "feather duster?" "todd?" — and then do whatever else it wants. Likely stand around saying idiotic things and just confusing Pinkskins before ti wanders off. If you want to retrieve the body and think you can get it back out before it's cooked to ash, maybe…

Zyphlryx is silent for a few seconds, his eyes wide at Broomzad's demise.

Finally he says, Send in the cauldron as cover while we recover Broomzad's body. He studies the archer carefully, committing the features to memory and swearing an oath of vengeance.

"YUM YUM. KOBOLD BEST FOOD!"

The cauldron waddles out into the field, flops open on its side, and swallows Broomzad's corpse. It's a strangely disquieting sight.

The Pinkskin guards step forward, then hesitate. One of them makes a warding sign. "What the blazes IS that thing?! Another archer steps out and fires a couple arrows at the cauldron, but they ricochet off its sides. YUM YUM.

The cauldron waddles back to you. It glows cheerily. YUM.

The archer shouts: Hey! That thing's taking away my prize ear! However the guards stay put at their post. One of them shouts up: Sorry, Kathil! Ain't chasing that…… thing! Go chase it through the woods yourself if ya want. The archer who killed Broomzad has some choice words before leaning over and spitting on her guard "friends." What horrible Pinkskins. At least now you have a name.

We can drop out of initiative if you're going to escape

"Sacre bleu! Run for your lives!"

As you flee the cauldron waddles behind you glowing hotter and hotter. Dilgax III complains about getting nauseous as he's bounced to and fro — how a head without a body can be nauseous may be a topic for later.

Finally, you are well away… the cauldron is clamped tightly shut and won't open up. NO! YUM YUM! YUM. YUM.

It won't open it's "mouth" (lid). Youn can make a check to Force open but don't forget you take a -2 penalty without a proper implement. I'm not sure what kind of implement you need to force open a cauldron's mouth; you might be able to help me find out.

Kadosh snarls and pulls out a tool from his snare kit, hoping that might be enough to get the stupid thing open. Why they're wasting time for a body he's not sure, but at least it sounded like the pinkskins wouldn't be chasing them.

Athletics (trained): 1d20 + 6 ⇒ (9) + 6 = 15

"Give Kadosh your crowbar, Zyphlryx! That's what he needs, not that little screwdriver!

"Kadosh, put your back into it! Broomzad is counting on you! He is only mostly dead!"

intimidate to aid: 1d20 + 8 ⇒ (16) + 8 = 24 w00t

Zyphlryx rummaged in his backpack and hands Kadosh his crowbar. Try using this, he suggests, as though it was his idea all along.

YUM!: 1d20 ⇒ 5

YUM! The cauldron thinks it's being fed and tries to grab Kadosh and swallow him too, but it can't clamp down thanks to the crowbar… and also thanks to how he rushed Kadosh suddenly feels to get back out and put his back into kicking Imperius!

The cauldron spins around in a circle, confused and perhaps a little hurt as it's never had food taken away from it before. YUM… YUM…?

You now have a sulking cauldron, a talking shrunken head, some magic mushrooms, a lead on Qropmudroonk the Younger who was kidnapped from the squirrel hunting grounds, and a parboiled Broomzad. The Queen ill not be pleased a member of her tribe has been killed.

Where to?

Perhaps, if we give Uncle Dilgax to the Queen as a trusted advisor, Zyphlryx muses, she won't feed the rest of us to the cauldron. Well, maybe Imperius.

Broomzad finds everyone standing around the spinning cauldron.

Oh, what a silly group. He's so glad he didn't die back there when that whole arrow-through-the-heart thing happend.

"What's everybody looking at?"

He's a little more incorporeal than before, perhaps ectoplasmic even. The arrow still sticks out of his chest, and his feet don't quite touch the ground, which is a little odd. But, other than all that, he feels great! Hungry for VENGEANCE, but what else is new?

"Did I miss anything?"

Kadosh hisses in drastic alarm, eyes widening as he ducks like a cowardly pinkskin -- or genius kobold -- behind Imperius!

"GHOST!" he screams, looking for some holy water or something else in one of his pouches. Ghost trap. Must build a ghost trap!

"Oh the things I have learned. And let me all introduce you to Chompy, the newest member of our party. Formerly known as a murderous cooking pot. He will be helping me around the kitchen and disposing of our.... mistakes.

Chompy shuffles into the room. The sloshing of his latest meal as he waddles forward causes him to belch forth the half dissolved corpse of a giant rat.

The Queen summons you to her chambers mere hours after you return. Her good eye is full of fury. ”Tell me. What did you do!? One of my minions has died, I thought I heard Dilgax III blathering on in a side corridor even though I had the witch Ulizmila kill him years ago when he visited her to tet and have ME killed, my chief poisoner is giggling in a corner on magic mushrooms, and you have some idiotic monosyllabic cooking clattering around with you! Did you bring me a PRESENT at least? A yummy FISH perhaps or did you forget a gift for your Queen yet again?

”Auntie, you did here Great Greta Uncle Dilgax III, or at least an Aucturnian mandrake root that talks like him. We rescued him from the witch’s hut, and so I give him to you as our gift!”

He pulls out Dilgrax and presents him to the queen.

”Kadosh, what are you talking about?

“Oh,hi there, Broomzad. You’re looking a bit misty there. I thought you were killed by those pink skins, and we were going to have to avenge you. That’s a eat truck there, flying over the floor like that. ”

Zyphlryx looks Broomzad up and Down, noting the obvious hole through the middle of him, and concludes that he'd better rub his eyes later since he's seeing things.

Delicately he picks up the half-eaten giant rat and presents it to the Queen. It's not a fish, but we can confirm it's also not poisoned, as you can tell from the pre-eating on it!

GHOST?!

Broomzad nearly panics when Kadosh screams. But then he remembers there's no such thing as ghosts.

"I think it's this arrow. Something happened when it pierced my heart."

He looks at the mutilated body on the ground and, while disgusting, he thinks little of it. That could be any kolbold. Could be Pepin for all he knows.

"Anyway, let's go kill some pinkskins!"

She peers at Dilgax III's shrunken head. "Keep him, Imperius. I got rid of him once already. I hate the sound of his voice! Make sure he's silent near my chambers!"

The Queen holds up the rat up by its singed tail, which promptly breaks off. The rat falls to the floor with a plop. She leaves it on the floor. Fish. Bring. me. A. Yummy. Fish."

Vras the Necromancer, meanwhile, is chuckling and dragging Broomzad's corpse towards the room with his magic circle. He whispers: "They have bought you an even greater gift, my Queen. They see it not, but I will show you. Soon. Oh yes, this will do nicely!

The queen takes out her marble eyes and wipes off. She admires how shiny it is. "You are dismissed. Come back in a few days; I've been working on a solution to our Pinkskin problem."

Level up to 2!

"Ok, Auntie. I'll keep him with me." He looks at the mandrake, and asks, "What did you do to Auntie. She doesn't seem to care for you that much."

Later, as the team is eating dinner

"So, I propose that we should all go fishing, to get Auntie her fish. I am sure that she'll have an amazing plan for us, but she needs to get over her hunger. We all know how hard that is, don't we?"

Zyphlryx is silent through most of dinner — largely a consequence of shoving food in his mouth — but, about two seconds after Imperius uncharacteristically stops talking a moment, swallows and says, What if we go fishing for the Queen a bit?

Broomzad is also quiet, focused on trying to pick up his food, which keeps slipping away. Oh well, he's not that hungry anyway.

"Good idea, Zyphlryx! Let's go fishing."

"Yes, I had a great idea." Imperius glares at Zyphlryx and Broomzad.

Kadosh nods. While the others are busy dangling hooks into the water, he can practice coming up with some real snares. He's sure he's got a few new ones he can master with just a little more practice.

As you head out with some fishing poles, Kezzind sees you and stops you.

Hold! Let me tell you my fish story. Many years ago I almost caught the biggest fish in the river. It isn;t a shiny gold trout like the Queen likes… it's a river catfish. It pulled me in and broke my pole, and then broke my arm. He's big enough for the whole tribe to have a feast. Ferocious enough to swallow a kobold whole. I have hunted him for years… but the terror of the river, Mr. Swimmy, remains elusive."

"If you catch him I'll give you a reward!"

You head off the river and find a nice deep bend where the flow has created a nice tide pool. It's nice and quiet, with no pinkskins around.

We'll make this a skill challenge. You can use thievery to tie fishing knots, survival to find bait, athletics to hop onto the optimal spot without falling in, crafting to build a fish snare, cooking lore to make the bait extra stinky, etc. We'll do a skill challenge where everyone can contribute, and if enough of you succeed you might find Mr. Swimmy.

Zyphlryx gets busy tying knots.

Thievery: 1d20 + 6 ⇒ (1) + 6 = 7 LMFAO

He is less than successful.

Kadosh watches with unnerving interest as Zyphlryx nearly garrotes himself on fishing wire.

Other Kobolds are up!

Kadosh sighs as he realizes Zyphlryx may be as difficult to work with as Imperius. "The tatzlywyrm goes THROUGH the hole, not around it," he instructs, only to look down and realize he was so distracted he did a poor job himself.

Did he plan that? He looks around to see what the other kobolds are doing and if anyone noticed.

Thievery (trained): 1d20 + 8 ⇒ (5) + 8 = 13

Pepin sets to work using leftover scales and other fish parts from the kitchen. He builds a monstrous "fish" lure with large eyelashes and bright red lips that he dubs "Mrs Swimmy".

"If this doesn't attract his attention, nothing will.

Deception: 1d20 + 8 ⇒ (5) + 8 = 13

Kadosh realizes he's tied his fingers together while Pepin's "Mrs. Swimmy" looks like a fleshwarped guppy.

Can Imperius and your ghostly friend save the day?

Imperius sets his mind to coercing fish to sacrifice themselves for him. He first tries to find the perfect spot to find his Auntie’s favorite shiny fish

Esoteric Lore: 1d20 + 8 ⇒ (16) + 8 = 24

Now, in the perfect locations, he uses his carefully crafted line to tease the fish to take the bait.
Thievery: 1d20 + 7 ⇒ (16) + 7 = 23

He makes his way back to his cadre, a string of shiny, wriggling fish at his side.

Kadosh's jaw drops. How?!

Zyphlryx leans over to Kadosh. I'm sure he bored them to death by constantly talking.

Broomzad sitcks his head underwater and tries to scare the fish to death.

"Boo!"

Intimidate: 1d20 + 5 ⇒ (4) + 5 = 9

"Fishing is harder than you'd think."

”Auntie is going to be so happy! How many did you all bring in? This was fun!”

Imperius waves around some golden minnows. It's no Mr. Swims, but enough to give a Queen a taste of golden trout.

______

Back in the throne room, the queen licks her lips. "Those are rather small, hardly "queen size" but might serve as an appetizer. At least you tried! I shall reward you with a new secret mission. She beckons Imperius forward and then holds up a hand, forbidding approach.

She pauses. Hold! Don't bring them to me. My new servant, Tombzad will do so! Stay right where you are. She turns… "Tombzad! Bring me the shiny fishies! I command it!"

R-r-r-r-r. Broomzad's parboiled, zombified corpse shuffles out from behind a curtain. It still has an arrow in its chest. Vras the Necrope whispers from the shadows, urging it on. Yes! Yes! Take them, my creation… take them!! Bring the shiny fishies to your beautiful queen whom you serve tirelessly in unlife! Yes! Hahahaha!

Broomzad's rotting corpse snatches the fish out of Imperius's hands and crushes them to a bloody pulp before splattering them at the Queen's feet. The zombie flails its arms around.

R-R-R-R!!!

Queen Qweenzeenk looks down at the ruined fish for long seconds. Then she turns her baleful eye on Vras. "Tombzad is DEFECTIVE, Vras! IDIOT! My minions must follow orders!"

"Yes my queen! I'm sorry my queen!" Vras scrapes and bows as he dashes forward and carefully lassos a rope around Toimbzad'ss neck, pulling the flailing zombie back behind the curtain.

R-R-R-R-R-R…!

______

Now where were we? The queen looks at the fish smeared on the floor. "Pepin. Use your cauldron to make this into imitation crawdad or something."

"Oh. Also we've been digging a secret tunnel into the Pinkskins' lair, right under their stupid wall. Kill them in their sleep! I'm sending you in so make sure to be ready."

You can buy things in the warrens, including snare plans and the like.

Pepin makes a fish gumbo for the Queen, adding a little "je ne sais quoi" into the spicy stew.

Cooking Lore: 1d20 + 6 + 1 ⇒ (17) + 6 + 1 = 24

Broomzad is horrified to see his animated corpse delivering fish!

Surely it could be put to better use as a deadly killing machine out in the pinkskin's villages.

Still, it isn't hard to put two and two together.

"Friends," he says, looking at the ectoplasmic arrow in his chest. "I think I'm dead!"

He begins to wail inconsolably.

What plans I have for your corpse are of no consequence to you, ghost! If you’re going to wail do it away from my throne. Go somewhere else, like Imperius’s room!

Don't be ridiculous! Zyphlryx chides Broomzad. If you were dead, you wouldn't be here helping us plan to drive off the pinkskins. And I certainly wouldn't have any interest in plotting with a dead person — those conversations tend to be a trifle one-sided. Rather like talking to Imperius. He stops a moment. Wait! Is Imperius dead...?

"My room? Why my room? It just isn't fair!!"

After having a little conniption fit, he realizes what Zyphlryx said, he replies, "Not that I am aware of. I feel fine. Plus, you cannot see through me."

Kadosh sighs as the idiots he's forced to deal with -- why must EVERYONE be an idiot?! -- cause more disruption than usual. Sneaking into the pinkskins fortress is going to go awfully.

He thinks for a moment.

"Perhaps we provide them some distraction outside why we come in from below and kill them all?" he hisses. "You all understand you will have to be very quiet, yes? Do we have enough money to make Imper -- all of us -- silent?"

I don't think we actually do, and I don't see any talismans that can be useful. I wonder if we could talk them into send Corpzad off to scare the humans outside the fort. I'm not sure if alarming them with an external threat makes more sense than just trying to be extra sneaky.

"Well if we can't make ourselves silent, maybe we can make everything else loud? Fireworks? Tie a bunch of bells to Chompy and have him run around outside the fort? Or maybe smoke and fire? Stuff some dummys to look like pink skins and set fire to them at the edge of the woods. Maybe even put a creature inside to make the screams extra believable? Who's with me?"

"With some traps? It is not a stupid idea ..." Kadosh says, offering some tepid praise.

You think this might be a good plan but you will need to make a dimploacy check to sk the queen to lend you her new minion.

Looks like a plan to distract, traps + fore while you get in through the tunnel?

Zyphlryx looks back and forth between Kadosh and Pepin for a long moment. Then...

I love this plan! I'm excited to be a part of it!

"Wait, what? You want to use Tombzad to scare the humans? Over my dead body!"

"By which I mean, yes, of course. Great idea!"

"Sounds like a fine idea to me. I'll go talk to Auntie, I am sure she'll let us do that."

Imnperius goes up to talk to the queen, now wearing the signet ring that they found. He thinks it goes well with his battered scepter... the one he keeps thinking about fixing up!

"So, Auntie, the fellow thought it would be a good idea if you could lend us Tombzad to go scare the pink-skins. This will make it far easier for us to sneak in from below and destroy those vile infesters or our lovely forests!

"I am sure we can find you some nice treats in there. Why they almost have to have many of your lovely little fishies hidden in there!"

Diplomacy: 1d20 + 9 ⇒ (12) + 9 = 21