"Ow! Fire hurts!"
Chuffy swings again, knowing she's preoccupied to worry about protecting her squishy body.
Reta clasp her hands beside her cheek and flutters her goopy eyelashes at Chuffy.
Chuffy Reta's hero! Reta give Chuffy big kiss after stabby killin' dumb lady!!
Mogmurch hurls a vial of acid at the vile goblin woman. Mogmurch use green fire now!
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Stupid dumb hat lady with big head and ugly mouth falls dead.
Good.
The Goblin squad begins to examine the room.
The majority of these objects here are filthy and broken, but 10 minutes or so of sorting and scavenging turns up some interesting finds.
All of these items (broken and functional alike) are strangely decorative, depicting colorful serpentine dragons, towering cliffs, delicate humanoid figures, and strange pagodas—not that a goblin would know a pagoda from a tool shed.
Even the filthy or broken clutter here could be worth about 600 gp to the right collector, but as they are mostly made of bamboo, exotic wood, and in some cases paper, they’re probably more fun to burn.
Among the more obviously valuable objects are 140 gp, a bejeweled silver and jade lantern built to look like a coiled dragon worth 150 gp, a dozen masterwork shuriken, an ivory and gold fan depicting a gecko walking amid cherry blossoms worth 80 gp (the reverse side of this fan has been used by Vorka to draw a crude map of Brinestump, not unlike the one Scribbleface created, and contains a secret that the goblins are unlikely to decipher anytime soon), a long hairpin with a red pearl at one end worth 150 gp, a wand of create food and water with only 2 charges left, and an elixir of love in a crystal vial shaped like a heart (the vial itself is worth 50 gp).
The red chest, though, is the object of your quest.
Unlocked, it contains several fireworks. The chest itself is heavy and worth 150 gp, and there were obviously once many more fireworks within (probably stolen by Scribbleface) but those that remain should be
more than enough to satisfy the chief for at least a few days. The fireworks in the chest consist of 14 Desnan candles, 20 paper candles, and seven skyrockets.
Upstairs, MUCH BARKING!
Poog see Reta like danger too much. reta hurt, so Poog whack Reta over the head with special cure stick
Zarongel best, make reta no longer hurt. Zarongel say: up is dog! What must be killed!
Reta smile at Poog, and lick Poog face.
Poog touch Reta with Poog's feely good stick!! Reta like! Reta feel all good now!!
Then Reta run over to Chuffy.
Chuffy Reta hero! Chuffy killy stab real good!!
Her words are followed by another long sloppy lick.
We have Chief's fireworks! We head back now? Mogmurch says excitedly as he climbs into the chest and begins digging around.
Chuffy feels his heart stop for a moment when Reta licks his face. Apparently she doesn't mind the taste of pus.
"We do have fireworks. We should test them! Make sure they work right!" Chuffy grabs a couple of paper candles, setting them up around the house.
"Let's burn this place to ground and walk off like in stories!"
Yes! Fire. Chuffy so smart. Mogmurch holds forth his last bomb.
Reta hoots in glee.
Chuffy so smart! Chuffy always know what good!!
Reta dump sack of fireworks from chief on floor, points them in random directions.
Big dumb house gonna burn burn burn!!!
Reta fall over, holding sides and cackling like madwoman. Then she take big dumb hat and put on.
My big dumb hat! Proof of killy stab dumb goblin woman!!
Poog think fire excellent idea. Fire is great gif of Zarongel. As it make Poog kill dog! It best day ever!
When the party has left the building, a small trail of paper leading to the door, Chuffy gives the signal to Poog.
"BURNY BURN BURN!!!" Poog sends a ray of fire at the paper, igniting it and having it fly into the house.
Seconds later, a massive explosion erupts as the boathouse is set ablaze, fireworks shooting off into the sky as the bodies of the goblin woman and the giant toad roast in the inferno.
It is at this point that Chuffy grabs Reta round the waist, pulling her in for a wet and sloppy kiss.
The fire of the boathouse casts the four Licktoad Goblins into gruesome silhouettes, the bonfire behind them letting the whole world know what to fear most:
We Be Goblins!
Caught in heat of moment, Reta throw leg up and curl around Chuffy spindly knee. Then throw head back and pose like cover of romance novel.
When Chuffy kiss, Reta bite tongue. Hard.
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As the credits roll there are several cut scenes -
First cut scene:
The Goblin Four attending a huge celebratory feast in their honour!
Second cut scene:
Chief Gutwad marrying Chuff off to his daughter, the fearsomely corpulent and ferociously lusty Gupy Wartbits.
Reta is seen in the background hurling objects at the celebration.
Third cutscene:
The Goblin Four being given their new titles and positions by the Chief!
Poog - Head Village Watcher,
Chuffy - Overseer of Village Stabbings.
Reta - Mistress of the Pig Pit
Mogmurch - Boss of Big Fire.
Roll-out takes and blooper reel!
END CREDITS.
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Spoiler Stinger for the sequel!
Reta sneak up on door to Chuffy hut. Reta hold big knife. Reta smile.
Screen go black.
Reta happy. Reta gonna get that dumb goblin woman married Chuffy. Reta gonna get her good...
Chuffy don't mind marrying chief's daughter, but still, he miss Reta...That and Gupy is kinda demanding sometimes...Like now...
Chuffy finds himself cleaning the hut. Cleaning!! As he sits down, he pulls a dead worm dried into a ring with a snail tied to it from his pocket, thinking longingly of the horrid goblin fighter from only so long ago... "Chuffy miss you Reta..." He was going to offer the gross thing as an engagement ring. But then the Chief made his decision.
Reta spend her time after big adventure killing animals in woods. Reta angry chief took Chuffy. When she have bad day, she stab stab STAB on animal until dog slicer break. Then she go to village, steal 'nother dogslicer, and stab some more.
But Reta bored. She had big adventure, and was hero, and life not as fun now. She feel empty, but eating not fill hole.
She wait and wait for new adventure to happen...
Poog shakes and shudders, almost as if Zarongel is bestowing upon him a different mindset. The skills and memories are there, but his speech is altered and there is something off about how he speaks his patron's name.
Chuffy finally finishes his chores for the day. Chores! He wishes he could go off and adventure again. Especially with Reta...
Wait, what is Chuffy thinking!? He's a master Sneak-thief!!
Chuffy sneaks out of the house from the window, landing gracefully into the bushes and darts off into the shadows.
Following the sounds of animals being stabbed, Chuffy eventually finds himself surrounded by a number of dead animals, multiple stab wounds the cause of their death. Chuffy feels a tear rolling down his cheek...no wait, that's a burst pimple.
Looking to the center of the circle of dead animals, Chuffy finds the one responsible, and his heart flutters. It's creepy.
"Reta! It's Chuffy!" He steps out of the shadows, even more gruesome than before.
Reta look up, see Chuffy. Reta throw dog guts at Chuffy.
Why you here Chuffy?! You married to Gupy!!
Then Reta run up and hug Chuffy, making dog guts stuck on Chuffy go squelch, and her big giant head go thud against his chest.
Reta miss you bad, Chuffy! You Reta's big hero...
Chuffy feels a little insulted at the thrown dog guts, but feels elated when Reta hugs him.
"Chuffy know, Reta. Chuffy want to be with you too. Chuffy promise. Chuffy break off marriage with Gupy."
He lets go of the embrace, dropping to one knee and pulling out his "engagement ring." "Reta, will you make Chuffy happiest goblin in wholest world and be Chuffy's forever?"
The scene would be touching, except for the dog guts, blood, the fact the two creatures are more hideous than an ass' backside, and the whole forest is covered in dead animal intestines and viscera.
I take it back. The scene is absolutely horrifying, and anyone who thinks the scene is touching has something wrong with them.
Reta smile, showing tons of sharp teeth and pieces of guts and fur stuck in them.
Yes Chuffy! You big hero like Reta! Big heroes gotta stick together and stabby kill together! Reta and Chuffy kill Gupy together!
Reta take ring and shove on finger, then lick Chuffy's face.
"Yes! Reta you make Chuffy truly happy! Happier than stabbing things!"
"But how to kill Gupy and no one the wiser....hmmm...." Chuffy thinks for a moment, rubbing his chin with one hand.
"Wait, Chuffy overseer of village stabbings. Chuffy can arrange for Gupy to be stabbed and Reta can be stabber! It's perfect!!"
Won't Chief get mad, punish Chuffy?
Reta wipes a tear from her cheek using what appears to be a donkey's gallbladder, and then takes a bite out of it.
Chuffy you good at sneaky sneak! Make a sneaky sneak way to get rid of Gupy so Chief don't know it you, and then we can be married and go adventure! Reta miss being hero with Chuffy and stabby kill things!
She runs to a pile of stuff under a tree and pulls out the big dumb hat.
Reta still keep big dumb hat! Remind me of better time! Reta want that time again!
Yeah the stupid hat lady is about a day away from eating her last lunch.
Reckon tomorrow night after work I will just kick off regardless - so strap in, finish your last vignette (as I am just darkly fascinated now) and we will crack on. Strangely it almost DOES dovetail into WBG2...
I almost like this start better than the official one, indeed it segues neatly.
"Chuffy want better times too...but how to get rid of stupid wife!?"
Chuffy wracks his brain for ideas, which means he walks over to a tree and smacks his head for a bit.
"Wait....Chuffy got it!"
"In dead of night, Chuffy will take Gupy on walk to cliff side. When she in awe of beauty of ocean, Chuffy give her little nudge! With knife! She die before hitting ocean, rocks break her body, she never heard from again! Chuffy then sneak back into hut, pretend sleep, and in morning Chuffy single again!"
Chuffy stabs at a slightly twitching raccoon, causing its head to have a new hole. "It perfect!"
I almost like this start better than the official one, indeed it segues neatly.
Reta swoon at Chuffy plan, smiling a gory, toothy grin and grabbing Chuffy shoulder, leaning way way back. One spindly leg go up in air, and Reta bat eyelash at Chuffy.
We kill stupid Gupy and then get married, make little Reta-Chuffys all over!!
Then, Reta take Chuffy hand and take him to big pile of stuff under tree, and show Chuffy exactly how she want to make little Reta-Chuffys.
After, she lay her big head on Chuffy chest, and snore.
Suddenly, Reta snap big head up and laugh!
Chuffy! We can make more fun killin Gupy! We steal fireworks from Chief, hide in Chuffy hut! When Gupy sleeping, we set all fireworks on fire and blow Gupy to bits! Then blame stealing fireworks on Gupy, and say she blow self up being stupid not-big-hero like us!
Sorry I derped - will be up in 8 more hours!
-Posted with Wayfinder
Chuffy feels the want to set some plant leaves on fire and breath the smoke.
"Chuffy like Reta idea better!"
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You are the heroes of the Licktoad Tribe, living legends after you triumphed against the terrible goblin cannibal Vorka and recovered many fireworks from her lair. Your tribe used the fireworks to great effect, but one day while you were out scrounging for more fireworks, adventurers came into the swamp and wiped out your tribe. You returned to your home to find it in ruins.
Now homeless, you have decided to travel to the closest tribe of goblins you know about—the Birdcrunchers. Maybe they’ll have room for you to join! Only, now that you’ve arrived in Birdcruncher territory, something seems wrong.
The Birdcrunchers appear unusually nervous and frightened, cowering around the entrance to their cave. They aren’t even trying to defend their territory. And now, a wrinkled old goblin with bulging eyes is waddling out of the crowd, approaching you. She’s obviously some sort of shaman—maybe even the chieftain. If anyone here knows whether or not you can join the tribe, it’d likely be her!
The wrinkled old goblin woman who approaches you is introduced as Mummy Sprattleharsh.
Her eyes bulge from her wrinkled face, and she walks hunched over, leaning on a gnarled wooden staff decorated with puppy tails and horse ears. She wears a ratty doghide gown cinched with a rope belt from which hang dog’s paws, a pair of horseshoes, a fearsomely large dead stirge, and the pickled and shrunken head of a bright blue mite.
“Well, well! What have we here? Licktoads, by the look of you, and from what I hear, orphans as well, hmm? Looking for a new place to live, I suspect? Well, you might be in luck, because we need new blood. Our own chieftains have been... lacking... in chieftainish ways. We’ve been having problems lately with an ogre and his fire breathing boars, you see, and any goblins capable of killing the boars and driving off the ogre... or driving off the boars and killing the ogre... or... or whatever—well, they’ll not only be welcomed into Birdcruncher territory with open arms. They’ll be made chieftains, one and all!”
With that, the gathered Birdcruncher goblins suddenly animate into cheers and song. Eager and excited, they surge out of the cave to welcome their saviors, but suddenly freeze as the old woman shrieks out a command for silence. The goblins freeze in place, and she continues in a softer voice. “But we can’t just assume you’re the stuff chieftains are made of. You might just be lucky. No, no... before we accept you as our saviors and before you’ll even have a chance to face off against Pa Munchmeat and his pig... I declare we have a Chieftain Moot!”
The gathered goblins erupt into cheers again, and you all know why — a Chieftain Moot is a day-long festival of games and dares, a tradition among the local tribes when the need to select a new chief arises. Those goblins who want to be considered for the role must endure a number of trials during the moot, and if they survive
and win, they earn the respect and support of the rest of the tribe.
Wise Mummy Sprattleharsh barks a few orders, and the Birdcrunchers scurry off to start organizing the moot. She then invites
you all into the cave to sit and warm their feet by the fire.
Many Birdcrunch Goblins mutter curiously and stare, they appear to be in awe.
Reta stands among the ruins of the Licktoad tribe, holding Chuffy's hand.
Chuffy... Everyone dead now... Now we no have to worry about Gupy! Bad they gone though... Reta was looking forward to being big hero of Licktoads again... We need new tribe! More goblins!
Her reverie interrupted by arrival of her comrades, Poog and Mogmurch. They all decide to go find new tribe. Try to join Birdcrunchers, be big heroes over there maybe?
Reta address new goblins.
I be Reta Biggbad! I be big hero of Licktoads before, and I be big hero of Birdcrunchers now!
Reta's big giant head make big shadow on ground from fire.
You no make Reta mad, or you regret it! And you no try to marry Chuffy! He mine!
Mogmurch's jaw drops. Rempty? Rempty gone? He quickly drops his bag. Grabbing the bottom he unloads everything in the sack heavily to the ground. He grabs a few items, throwing them into disorganized piles. Counting his bombs his looks to the rest with a confused look on his face. It wasn't me?
Mogmurch hurls his sack against the wall with a clang as vials and his bombs roll all about. I Mogmurch. I blow up Ogre! Then I blow up new tribe
Chuffy looks around, seeing his tirbesmates slain before him. This angers Chuffy! Greatly!! HE WAS SUPPOSED TO KILL EVERYONE!!!!! "NOOOOO!!!" He drops to his knees dramatically. "Chuffy was to be great killer of tribe! Now what Chuffy do!?"
He listens to Reta's suggestion of joining the Birdcrunchers, rising up from the ground and agreeing with her. Time for another adventure.
Chuffy doesn't approach the tribe directly. He's had time to think on the long walk up to the cave the Birdcrunchers call home. Best he stay in the shadows, and determine if they're a threat to him first.
Chuffy stays hidden the whole time Sprattleharsh is talking, waiting until his companions head into the lair. His attention is wrought away from the tribe for a moment as Reta starts walking again, his eyes on her backsi--Focus Chuffy!
When the team enters the cave, Chuffy appears behind Reta from her shadow at the last second.
"I Chuffy, Master sneak-stabby of Licktoads. Chuffy issue challenge to any who want Reta for hutwife!" He shouts the ancient line of slander and challenge to the tribe. "Come at me bro!"
Poog surveys the carnage of the former Licktoad tribe. With shrug Poog adjust his cloak and sack, and also his backpack, before turning away.
They never care for Poog anyway. They no listen to Zaronge|. Now Zaronge| pay them back for saying Poog can't ride goblin dog.
Poog misses most of Mimsy Sputtermarsh's words as he stare intently at fire inside cave.
Poog wonder if fire bigger, will it burn more horses? There horses here to burn? Poog hope they not kill ALL horses. Give other a shot. Leave some for Poog...
As the goblins all cheer, Poog jump back to reality and swing magic stick about. When Poog realize there no threat, he jump into other action pose.
"Poog is Poog! Poog fire bigger than pig fire! Poog burn pig and feed guts to Zaronge|! Has you heard the gud word of Zaronge|? Poog show you!"
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There is much oooh and aaah at the displays by the Goblin heroes!
"You one day be great like Wise Mummy Sprattleharsh!" they exclaim, they then quietly whisper (in both fear and delight) "She made one warrior who offended her vomit up a handful of spiny toads, and once set fire to a chief who interrupted her!"
Another Goblin chimes in "She made this one goblin who tried to curse the tribe write down the word “breathe”—after which he promptly forgot how to breathe and died on the spot!" They shriek with sadistic glee! "Mummy, wonderful she is, any new ruler would be wise to listen to her—or else!"