Hearing the screams and yells of the goblins on the other side of the house, Reta rushes over, trying to get a view of this new threat. "FAT HEAD, FAT HEAD, RETA HAS THE FATTEST HEAD!!!" She screams loudly, ignoring the natural rhyme in the chant as she gargles it out with enthusiastic pride.
She tries to pick out Pa Munchmeat through the smoke and cinders rising from the ruin of the house.
Mogmurch watches the building collapse in flames with a look of rapture across his face. All the long hours in the lab, all the burned fingers, they all seem worth it now. "O joy of joys! Blast and collapse and fire and smoke and smoosh! What could be better? WHAT COULD BE BETTER!!!!"
As his sub-chieftains fight a pitched battle against Pa, Mogmurch is lost in a reverie, as he imagines his goblin legions spreading across Avistan, repeating this scene in a hundred cities and ten thousand hamlets... His eyes shine with the reflected glow of the fire, and he begins to rock and sway, as he warms his hands by the delicious blaze.
The shrieks directly in his ear from sub-chieftain Reta startle him back to the present moment. "Pa, behold the First Goblin Legion! We burn your house and now we make a bowl for Squealy's slop from your head!"
With that, Mogmurch quaffs one of his extracts and moves closer to try to get a good shot at Pa next round.
Moving closer, Reta nocks an arrow and lets it fly towards the giant longshank. Soaring through the air, it rapidly closes the distance, piercing.....the ground at his feet. Her concern about Squealy Nord's safety must have clouded her judgement.
The unseen creature pleas for his companions to save the hog as he scurries into position. Once ready, the superhero raises his blade high and plunges it into the small of Munchmeat's back. Another disembodied voice rings out "See? This one had the right idea. He wore no pants for this fight!"
Knowing if he employs the same magics as before, he may cook he so recently reaquired friend, Poog changes tactics. With the help of his divinity, he conjures up a godly blade to hover over the prone figure. Its overwhelming excitement of being alive, it slashes desperately where the thing would have been...if it were standing.
Thrilled beyond words at how well the fire and smoke had worked...Mogmurch tries to put words to it anyway. Afterall, a chief must say something to prove his superiority, right? Though he'd planned to leave the beast to his subchieftains as he plotted their next move, the shriek from subchief big head alerts him to their dismay. Without his skills, the subchiefs can't fell this one alone?! Perhaps they need more training... Alas, he quaffs a milky fluid and scuttles towards the foe.
"SQUEEE SQUEEE SSSSSQUEEEEE!" exclaims the pig as hit tries to bite the creature again. Bringing it's head back, the creature swallows the tip of a finger in triumph. "Squee Squeeeeee!"
Pointing to the boar from his place in the dirt, the man mumbles a few careful words. A shimmering collar begins to form around Squealy's neck, but the animal simply gives it's head a shake and the magic vanishes.
With a frown, he pulls a long spear from his back. With but the slightest of words, it bursts into flames as he takes up a defensive position.
A pair of loud *THUD* sounds echo through the region as a large crack appears on the door.
Pa Munchmeat was casting Charm Animal
Round 4
Owlbear (Squished)
Pa Munchmeat
Guffy & Spike
Reta
Round 5:
Chuffy
Poog
Mogmurch
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With his goblinhood gently fluttering in the breeze, Chuffy continues to erratically stab at the mighty longshanks. "Chuffy show you why he Subchief of Sneaks! See how knife disappear again and again?!"
"Yes Poogy, yes! Now do that with pants for Chuffy! Chuffy not ready to risk a chance at baby Chuffies!"
________
The great dogslicer in the sky continues to swing haphazardly at Pa while Poog discusses wardrobe with the Subchief of Sneaks. "But Zarongel only good with fire! If Chuffy want pants of fire, Poog can do that... It look good, but maybe baby Chuffies not happen then?" To demonstrate, the evil little goblin scurries around for a better view of Pa (which just so happens to be far away from the banging door,) and shoots a bolt of fire at the ogre's undercarriage. "See! Chuffy want pants like that?"
___
Mogmurch knows that his subchieftains need him and he comes running to their aid.
Landing back on the battlefield, Mogmurch exhorts his troops to victory. "First Goblin Legion, onward! To victory! First, Pa Munchmeat, then Absalom, soon all shall be ours!" As if to emphasize his point, he hurls a bomb towards Pa, selecting out the squares occupied by Chuffy and Squealy.
Reta continues along the bank of the murky stream, trying to get a better view of the action so that she can make an arrow land.
With a better line on Pa Munchmeat, she lets another arrow fly towards the ogre. "STAND STILL!!! RETA TRYING TO KILL YOU, YOU NEED STAY PUT FOR RETA TAKE BETTER AIM!!!"
Moving to where she can see better, Reta fires another arrow across the field. In her haste and excitement, she forgot to aim...though naturally its Pa Munchmeats fault. She'd anticipated his movement and went the other way...obviously.
With the beast still laying on the ground, Captain NoPants slices his blade deep into the giant's broad shoulders. Perhaps they shouldn't call it a dogslicer...giant slicer may be more aptly named... A large hunk of fresh meat slides off, landing at Chuffy's feet.
With continued performance anxiety the translucent weapon seems to shrivel as it approaches the beast. "This has never happened before" calls out a high pitched squeal. "Really...I'm quite stout!"
With intimate knowledge of the gods prowess, Poog launches a bolt of fire to remove any doubt. The fireball slams into the creatures hindquarters, searing a whole between the cheeks... The smell of burnt flesh and hair drift towards Chuffy.
Bounding across the lot, Mogmurch lets his minions in on their future engagements. To cement his place, he nonchalantly tosses a bomb at the prone figure. *KaBOOM BaBOOSH* rings out as a cloud of smoke and fire erupt on contact. The stench of charring hide radiates outward from Pa Munchmeat...his right arm blackened.
Tentatively licking the charred arm, Squealy Nord rips a hunk out and chews spitefully.
Screaming in pain, Pa Munchmeat leaps to his feet and stabs for Chuffy's abdomen. Spotting the small third leg, he recoils in disgust. The large flaming spear jabs harmlessly to the side of the goblin.
Squealy quickly rips another chunk of blacked flesh out of the man, swallowing the two bits together.
Two more thunderous *BOOM*THUD* ring out from the doorway, followed by a loud, telltale *Ccccrreeeee....CRACK!* as the door is burst open from within.
Round 5
Owlbear (Squished)
Pa Munchmeat
Guffy & Spike
Reta
Round 6:
Chuffy
Poog
Mogmurch
Goblins up!
Sadistically, Chuffy continues to throttle Pa with his giantslicer. "MORE MORE MORE!" he squeals gleefully as stabs first into his ribs and then at his calf, becoming increasingly covered in blood.
________
Glaring at the newcomers, Mogmurch snarls. "Really, Pa? This all you got to face down the First Goblin Legion? Why don't you just surrender now, so we can make a nice bowl out of your skull before we have to smash it?"
With that, he hurls his last bead of fire at the two new arrivals and then adjusts his position.
Reta continues to move along the bank of the stream, still unhappy with her view of the action. Having heard the door crack open, she's anxious to see who or what has come out of the building. Seeing some weasel-like creature on a leash, she draws out an animal bane arrow and fires it at the enormous thing.
"NO NEWCOMERS!!! THIS BETWEEN CHIEF AND PA! NO FAIR REINFORCEMENTS!!!"
With Pa Munchmeat at the mercy of the Subchief of Sneaks and the incompetent spiritual ally of Zarongel, and with both Reta and Chuffy already peppering the newcomers with fire, Poog is starting to feel uncharacteristically confident. He stuffs his hands down his pants, pulls out his trusty wand of fireballs, and points it at the scary lady. "YEAH, NO FAIR!!! WE BE WINNING!"
Reta Big head moves to get a clear view of the noise. Spotting the duo, she fires her arrow. Flying true, it slams into the beasts nose, searing fur and flesh as it travels. The weasels eyes cross suddenly, and it collapses.
Taking the opportunity presented, Chuffy plunges his blade deep into the foe. Twisting it, he yanks it back out before slashing across the tall beasts throat. Pa Munchmeat collapses with but a gurgle.
Reaching into his pants, Poog grabs one of his...wands...fumbling a moment, he pulls it free and summons a firey ball of fun. With a massive *BOOM*, the weasel explodes, sending charred meat everywhere. The woman's flesh sizzles as she takes the full blaze, but she remains standing.
That is until...Chiefly Mogmurch lobs another piece of the necklace down her blouse... Another explosion rings out and the woman collapses.
wand of cure moderate wounds (11 charges), gourds of fire burping (3) +1 Medium flaming spear
gourd of fire burping, chain shirt, masterwork morningstar
"Haha! We be unstoppabable!" Poog cheers as he scampers off to collect tasty pieces of beautifully chargrilled weasel for immediate consumption. "I 'specially enjoy when lady longshank find 'sploding bead down top. Did Moggy, Chuffy, and Reta see look on longshank's face?" He asks excitedly, his arms already full with cooked weasel.
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Mogmurch bounces up and down with delight at their victory, until he remembers that this may not be the most chiefly of behaviors. Finding a tree stump or empty soap box to stand upon, he hops up and begins to expound...
"My fellow goblins, today we begin a grand new chapter in goblin history! Before, goblins always at bottom, always have to fear nasty longshanks, always at mercy of foul murderers like Pa Munchmeat. Before, goblins no get respect. Before, all look at goblins and only see goblins. But today, we have told the world something news! Today, we declare the beginning of the Age of Goblins! In future, goblin bards will tell the tale of this day, when we set ourselves free and began our march to supreme awesomeness. Today Pa Munchmeat, tomorrow Absalom! All world will know First Goblin Legion is coming and tremble! In honor of our victory, I, Emperor Mogmurch, grant you subchieftains each a new title: Poog, you are now "The Duke of Munch", Chuffy, you are now "Pa Slayer", and Reta, you are now "Weasel Winner"! Let all rejoice..."
As Mogmurch continues on in this way for some time, he realizes that his minions have wandered off and are busily devouring the best parts of the weasel. He quickly scrambles down from his post to see if there is any left.
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Deciding that being the chief involves way too much talking and not enough eating, Poog gives up on any ambitions of being the leader and finally just accepts Mogmurch as the chief of chiefs. "YAAAAAPH!! POOGH ID DUKGH! POOGH ID DUKGH!" He cheers, mouth full of weasel, "GOBBINS TAKGH ABBADOM!!!" He swallows his hunk of weasel, one arm cradling yet more juicy chunks as the other roots around in his pants, pulling out a salt shaker. "POOG WITH CHIEF EMPEROR MOGGY! WE BE GOBLINS. WE BE LEGION. AND WE BE HUNGRY!!!" He raises the salt shaker in salute, then empties the contents on his victory meal.
At some point during the Chief's speech, Chuffy's bloodlust fades and words start to have meaning again. Just in time for him to hear the new titles. "Chuffy accept, Chuffy accept!" he cries, all plans of treachery temporarily forgotten in the high of the moment. To honor his title, he not only carves off a massive piece of cloth form Pa Munchmeat, but also begins finishing the job he start with the head. "Chuffy brine eyes and tongue, then roast brains! Keep skull in goblin hut so all goblins know Chuffy is Pa Slayer!"
Now wrapped in what is effectively a slightly overlarge diaper, he totters over to Poogy. "You have salt whole time? Why you keep from Chuffy Poogy?!" he screams, aghast at the betrayal, and begins trying to fetch the shaker from the other goblin's pants.
Taking your time to throughly burn and mutilate what remains of the farm, you eventually tire out. Bored, with nothing left you do, you recall the birdcruncher tribe! You are chiefy and sub-chiefies now!
Quickly making your way back to report your limitless power and success, you are met cheers and more than a little brown nosing as they throw an even bigger feast in your honor.
After what seems like hours....days? Wise Mummy Sprattleharsh finally raises a hand to quiet the tribe.
"We Birdcrunchers be in yous debt! You bestest chief and sub-chiefies Birdcrunchers ever had! We follow you lead till death! Yours or ours...or till find better."
Amid cheers and screams of glee, she bows to each of you in turn, bowing lowest to chiefy Mogmurch.
Reta looks at her fellow goblins devouring the fresh meat, and shakes her head in disdain. She carves off a sizeable portion of weasel flesh, shoving it into her pouch to rot so that she has a prime snack in the coming week. "BOY GOBBIES NEVER KNOW FOOD!!!" Her own hunger rises, though, and she eats some fresh too, but knows that hers will be better later on.
With the new title, she skins the weasel as best as she can, and begins working on a new veil for herself. She frequently takes her veil off to compare as they walk back to the Birdcruncher encampment, fastidiously replicating each hole and tear so that her fur veil is the best duplicate of the lace one that she can make.
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Poog starts squirming, trying his best to fight off Chuffy without dropping his freshly seasoned weasel. "Poog not keep nothing from Chuffy!" He screams back, equally aghast at the attempt to steal his precious, tasty salt, "Chuffy just never ask for s- Aagh agh!" Suddenly he goes very still, narrowing his eyes at Pa Slayer, formally known as Subchief of Sneaks. "That not salt."
____
Back at the camp, the soot-stained cleric revels in the cheers and brown nosing, enjoying every second of it. It doesn't take long for a wide, toothy grin to creep across his face. Finally, Poog can start recruiting slaves- Umm, acolytes to help with rituals! He thinks to himself as he plans to convert the weakest of willed goblins to the ways of Zarongel. Soon, Poog be most powerful of goblins! Who need to be chief of chiefs, when can be head of church instead?
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You each sit upon a throne on a raised platform for....yet another feast. Sure feasts in your honor are fun...but....where's the danger? The excitement? You minions run around frantically, setting up stew and drink...some desperately trying to entertaining you.
Suddenly one leaps forward. "Me turn! Me turn! Can only do one...but me knows you like!" he shrieks. He hadn't done much to impress any of you yet....can't even remember his name. What was it? Slug face? No...slug face is stirring the stew... Hmm....
Suddenly, he lights a torch! Ooooooo FIRE! What's he covered himself with? Its grey...and slimy...He waves the torch around in a grand display. "See?! Mes Make FIRE! Like Chiefy Moggy!"
Quite pleased with himself, he continues to wave the fire around...but there's only so much waving one can do before it gets redundant. With a frown, he shrieks "WAIT! DER BE MORE! Re-re-ready?" he begins to quiver as he eyes the burning flay a bit. Slowly, he brings it closer...inch by inch. Squeezing his eyes shut tight, he touches it to the goo...and...Bursts into flames!
"AAAAAAAYYYYYEEEEEEEEE" screams the poor goblin as he runs around frantically, a burning inferno. Making a beeline for the stew, he leaps in *SSSsssssss*
A charred head lifts up over the edge of the pot. "You...You....ike?"
Being a chieftain is boring. Adventures are interesting. As goblin chieftains, you have quite reasonably decided that your minions in the Birdcruncher tribe should either entertain you or bring you an adventure to quell your boredom—otherwise, there’ll be trouble! A great feast has been prepared in your honor, and goblins are scattering every which way to get things ready. While the others try to keep you satisfied, a few even went with Squealy Nord to hunt for your favorite truffles.
As the other goblins giggle at the ball of flames misfortune, two wheel out a massive bulky...thing covered in a tattered cloak. The duo you recognize as Plunger and Reg Runtweed smile up at you. Plunger calls out "You no peaky! Wes suprise fer yous. Make you all sooo very 'appy! No peaky! Specail secret treat. We's reveal later!"
As the pair turn and head back to the store room to grab something else, Stinkbreath saddles up to you. Leaning in close, he whispers "Shh me tell. But shh act saprised. Me tell ya. Mes gooodly Birdcruncher. It be statue in yous honor!"
Giggling he rushes away.
Wise Mummy Sprattleharsh walks into the center of the room and calls out loudly. "All yous Birdcrunchers! Yous QUIET AN LISTEN!" As a hush falls over the room, she turns to your elevated position. "Festivites be start soonish. Wes has several tings plans to entertain. You jess wait bit and we get started."
Offering a deep curtsy, she turns and heads back to the pot to ensure the flaming creature hadn't messed up the stew. The remaining goblins all burst into a flurry of activity trying to make sure everything is perfect.
Lord Emperor Mogmurch shifts on his cushion, belches loudly, and watches the activities of his minions with unconcealed disdain. When one has the temerity to set himself afire as some sort of pathetic tribute to the Lord Emperor's magnificent achievements, he can scarcely contain his fury. "We not 'mused! Lord Empererer - everybody knows - Lord Empererer reached pinnacle of glory by roasting Pa Munchmeat and his minions, not by throwing self in stew pot!" It is well known among the Birdcrunchers that any mention of the Lord Emperor's earlier trials in the bird stew is strictly forbidden... "Now our minions try to intertane us, but we iz not intertaned. We is vexed. Bring us cake! Next intertanemints best be to our liking..."
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Meanwhile, Chuffy strokes his pet spider Stankrush while menacingly glaring at each of the lesser goblins. Hmmm... Stabby list getting too long... Have to stabby stab soon... "Chuffy want cake but only if Chuffy stab cake first!" he screeches, waving his dogslicer in the air.
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Poog yawns widely, making his newest pet toad, Flybreath, slip off his perch on the clerics huge bald pate. Ever since he converted seven of the weakest willed goblins to the worship of Zarongel, he has seen many many goblins set on fire, and quite frankly it's getting a little old. "Not even Trimple Rotmouth set fire to self anymore! Have some 'magination..." He yells at the poor goblin with the charred head, adding to the torrent of abuse Moggy just volleyed at him. "and GET OUT OUR STEW!!!"
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Reta lounges in her new fur wedding veil, enjoying the uptick in fur that the other goblin ladies have begun to wear in attempts to emulate her style. Appropriately, she publicly ignores them, which she continues from her seat of honor today. She turns her attention to the stew. "YOU BRING QUEEN FATHEAD STEW NOW! MUST BE TASTED FOR QUALITY APPROVAL AFTER DANGEROUS SWIM!"
She eyes Sprattleharsh with disdain when the woman calls for quiet. This one had never adopted any new fur into her wardrobe, and Reta didn't trust her, not one bit. 'Bout time for Mummy to have bad accident. Sometimes she act like we not big bosses at all.
A goblin quickly runs up with a small bowl of stew and a bit of cake. "Stew not done yet Chiefy Big....errr...Chiefy Reta. You try, see how doin."
Another goblin steps forward to the center of the room. He's dressed with a crown and long flowing green robes. "I goblin Munge. Me tell you magnificent tale of Great Green Goblin King!" he exclaims as he slowly approaches your elevated seats. The goblin drags an oversized dwarven waraxe alongside.
"It tale of greatness!" he shrieks. "Green Goblin King offer anudder invading king chance ter cut off head. He did put head back on and...and...well story get boring after dat."
Kneeling before the thrones, he holds out the waraxe, head bowed. "I offers such....one chiefy get one swing at me neck. Me no flinch, no pull 'way. No trick. Afterward I put head back on and I gets ta swing at chiefly neck."
On bended knee, he awaits an answer. "Oh! An kin only use dis weapon. No otter weapons allowed."
You recall the story...did Munge already tell it to you?
Eitherway, you recall something about the Green Goblin King's head getting chopped off, he then puts it back on....and the story got boring after that.
Poog narrows his eyes distrustfully at Munge and stuffs a handful of cake in his huge mouth. You swing at chiefly neck? No otter weapons allowed? Ha, Poog too smart to fall for such tricks! Munge not be taking Poog's chiefly place today! Finally, he shakes his head. "Poog just watch!" He declares, spitting frosting all over the back of Munge's head. "As Subchief of Spirits, Poog have duties to perform if head fall off and not get put back on."
___
Lord Emperer Mogmurch laughs with delight, eager to see which of his minions will step up to the task. No matter how it turns out, it's hard to imagine that it won't be hilarious!
Reta looks around at the other chieftains....
No, she glares at the other chieftains. Of course Reta strongest; Reta best fighter. Other chiefs sit quiet and leave Reta neck to do this.
Well, nothing to be done about it; she wouldn't be goaded into standing down, would she? Reta stands. "NO BLADE CAN TAKE QUEEN RETA GLORIOUS HEAD AWAY; QUEEN FATHEAD WILL WIN THE DAY!!!" She smiles a bit at her inadvertent rhyme as she walks down towards the axe.
"Yeah!" Poog agrees. "No goblin can take Reta glorious head away... IT BE TOO BIG AND HEAVY!!!" He snorts with laughter, almost choking on the cake. He scoots to the edge of his throne and leans forward to get the best view possible, This Poog gotta see!
____
Chuffy waits to say something until Reta opens her mouth. He adds in a weak "Ohh nooo, but Chuffy want neck chopping..." and then gets extra comfortable in his seat, smiling large. Now Chuffy not have to kill Reta! Reta let Bunge do it!
"HAHAHA BUT FATHEAD MAKE BIG NOISE LIKE WATERMELON! HAHAHAHAHA!" he adds slapping the arms of his chair.
________
Reta walks down to Munge's level and grabs the axe handle. Surprised at its weight, she hefts it up to her shoulder where at least she can rest it while she plans her swing. She looks over the crowd that has grown too, too quiet. "QUEEN RETA GOT THIS!!!" she yells, screaming the confidence that she lacks herself.
She lift the axe with both hands, and makes a very quick show of holding it up to display for everyone, before spinning around and bringing it down hard, letting the weight of the axe itself do as much or more work than she herself does.
The entire tribe stops and watches the spectacle with glee as Reta swingss the blade. For once, a hushed silence falls over the goblins without threat of violence....and the swing finds its mark. Moments later a severed head bounces across the stage and......nothing happens. A few moments pass....and still....nothing happens. The goblins begin to murmur to each other. "Why he no put head back on? He need tell next part an swing at Reta...."
Well...his joke seems to have suddenly gotten boring. Thankfully, another goblin quickly appears! Munkle leads four goblin dogs out into the middle of the room.
"Munge joke second half boring anyway!" she announces, poking his headless form with a foot. "Munkle better entertainments for you! Munkle know story 'The Charge of the Most Powerful Goblins'!"
Smiling, she nods to each of you in turn and compares each to one of the heroic goblins in the story. Regaling you with the escapades of the four heroes that rushed the human's wall upon their mounts. The goblins leapt the moat, scaled the walls, and burned the whole place to the ground before riding off with all of the town’s pickles
Holding up a hand to stop any questions, she continues. [b}"We see true heroship this day! We sees you redo hero story."[/b] she announces, gesturing towards the four fidgety dogs. "Yous each ride one through course I sets up!" she announces proudly, thumping her chest. "Is like run in story."
DC 15 Ride Check to jumper over a mud puddle on your goblin dog. Failure means you land unceremoniously in the mud...and have to try again.
Climbing the ridge is quite a bit easier than jumping the puddle. You need a DC 5 ride check to stay on your mount. If you fail, you are thrown from your perch and take 1d4 fall damage. You can negate the damage with a DC 15 ride check.
Regardless of taking damage or not, failure requires retrying.
Upon cresting the ridge, you come face to face with four crudely painted squashes. The ridiculous eyebrows and strangely colored wigs make them look vaguely gnome-like.
You need a DC 5 ride check to guide your mount with your knees while you squash them with a weapon or thrown rock. AC 10 to hit and you must do a minimum of 1 point of damage to squash it.
After destroying the gnome squashes, you charge down the ridge (Ride DC 5) and leap over a cluster of brambles (Ride DC 15).
If you faile the leap check, you fall into the brambles and take 1d4 piercing damage (negated with an additional DC 15 Ride check)
Feeling as though she's fully explained the route, Munkle giggles to herself and lights a firecracker. "Gets ya ready! I has prize for winna!"
Bored until Munkle says something about a prize, Chuffy leaps out of his chair and charges the nearest goblin dog. "CHUFFY WANT PRIZE!" he squeals as he jumps upon the beast's back and races outside. Barreling towards the Mud Jumper obstacle, just as he bids his dog to jump, it catches the scent of a rabbit and jerks another direction. Suddenly airborne, the angry goblin flails through the sky and belly flops into the grand mud puddle.
"GET BACK TO CHUFFY STOOPID THING!" he screams, mud flying from his body as he scrabbles out of the puddle. Ever the dutiful goblin dog, it races back to Chuffy, but while he is remounting the creature it tries to help by lifting its shoulder as he hikes his leg up. Unfortunately for Chuffy, he is simply launched flat on his back in the mud puddle.
"NONONONONONO! STOOOOOOPIIIDDDDD! YOU NO MOVE OR CHUFFY CHIEF OF SNEAKS STABBY STABBY!" he threatens, the sheer force of his rage earning the mutt's obedience and adding some yellow-green puss to the mud dripping from his face.
Finally astride his mount, his next attempt barely makes it across.
________
Fresh off her victory over Munge, Reta has only given the fallen head a casual glance, and no concern. She happily receives her adulation, even though the stunt was anticlimactic. That what happen when you put your head in front of Reta blade. On purpose. That longlegs kind of crazy, that. Next time live after you die if you want good prank.
When the challenge course is explained to her, Reta's face sprouts a subtle grin. This be good, Reta probably best rider here! She repeats her thoughts out loud: "RETA PROBABLY BEST RIDER HERE!!!"
Though she's clearly not right about that in general, she seems like she might be right about that today, as she goes through the course with ease! She quickly and easily jumps the mud puddle, guides her goblin dog up the slope, and smashes one of the goblin gourds as quick or quicker than everyone else.
Flush with confidence, she takes the downward slope with as much speed as she can coax out of her dog, then tries to guide it to leap the brambles.
The goblin dog doesn't, coming to a hard stop, and Reta flies face first into the bushes.
Shocked, Reta picks herself up and begins screaming at the dog. "WHY YOU STOP LIKE THAT?!? QUEEN FATHEAD CLEARLY PINCH LEGS FOR JUMP, YOU NOT JUMP! YOU WORTHLESS AND UGLY, YOU WORSE THAN DOG DOG!!!"
She picks the dog up and attempts to drag the mangy creature back up the hill, dropping it more than once as she struggles back to the top. She remounts the goblin dog and, with her attention focused a bit better this second time, makes the jump with ease this time.
After Chuffy's heroic bout with the mud, he is able to complete the rest of the course without a hitch. From navigating the ridge, stabbing gnome squahes (the most annoying variety), and finally leaping over the brambles, he screams bloody murder the entire way. Intimudayshun best way!
________
Lord Emperer Mogmurch are not amused to have themselves and theys chief ministers compared to some lackluster goblins out of Turdcruncher lore. "They steal pickles from a human village!?! Ain't we told you we leading youse to Absalom? We - and I mean the royal we - we gonna eat starstone pickles! 'N all you turdcrunchers can think about is some ancient glories. Hmph!"
It's clear that the masses need to be inspired to the great heights that the Lord Emperer has in mind for them. "Watch our greatness, and know that when you stand behind our greatness, all of youse will imbibe the very aroma of greatness youseselves!"
Mogmurch lands in the mud twice before completing the task, each time bouncing up and announcing proudly, "We meant to do that! We showing youse how to make amphibious invasion of Aisle o' Coretoes!"
Mogmurch gallops up the ridge with ease, all the while waving to what they imagine are huge crowds of subdued Absalomites gathered to witness their triumphal arrival in the city.
Mogmurch's first sighting of the gnome-squashes is so startling that they nearly fall of their dog in fright, but they quickly right they'sselves and move on to smashing the dreadful gnome squash, hurling a goblin-shaped rock at the hideous thing.
Three times Mogmurch lands in the brambles, and three times their expert dogsmanship enables them to avoid any pain whatsoever. Finally, expertly (if barely) clearing the hurdle on their fourth try, Mogmurch gallops before the cheering goblin masses, explaining, "So now youse see, our subjects, how even youse beloved leader can tumble and yet by the grace o' Lamashtu, not a whisker out o' place. We is blessed wid dibine probidenz and when youse follow us, then nuthin ever gonna not go right, right?"
Even with Reta's pitstop to smell the brambles, she soundly beats her fellow chieftains to the finish line. Slowly, but surely, each joins her...covered in various amounts of mud and blood.
"YAY! Chieftain Big Head Wins! And...high chiefly Moggy has wise thoughts." exclaims Munkle, handing Reta a vial. "It be (Link) bacon flavored ointment!"
With a deep, deep bow, she steps away from her leaders and disappears back into the crowd of the tribe. "Remember! Munkle makes you happy!" rings out over the others.
A pair of gobins rush towards you holding star candle fireworks. They supply each of you with one. Looking up, you notice the tribe was busy while you were on your obstacle course. There now stands several straw effigies approximately 10 feet away from your platform. Six look like dogs, three resemble horses, and one vaguely appears to be resembling Pa Munchmeat.
Once each of you has a firework, a male goblin steps forward and calls out. "Wes remembersing yous triumphs as chiefies! Yous shoots them dogs, horses, or....PA MUNCHMEAT again and gains points!"
"I, Trimple Rotmouth, come up withs idea! By Zarongel's grace yous has fun and gains yous points fer prize! Dogs worth 2 point and only kin hit once. Houses is 1 points and can only hits once. Pa Munchmeat worth 1s point too...but cans hit as many as want!"
Reta
Chuffy
Mogmurch
Poog
6 Dogs
3 Horses
Pa Munchmeat
Chuffy dismounts his goblin dogs and pushes it away roughly. "Stoopid dog make Chuffy look bad!" he whines as he spits and takes a firework in hand. Frustrated, he points it at a straw dog and fires, hoping to vicariously immolate it.
________
Reta sniffs the air, trying to scent the dog effigies. The field just smells of the normal stink and rot that you'd expect around a goblin encampment, but Reta imagines the scent of a dog anyway. They looked well enough like dogs; she could imagine that they smell and snarl like the hated creatures.
She begins growling, as if to challenge one of the straw dogs, really getting into the immersion of her imaginary face off. She lets her first firework fly!
Reta eyes the straw beasts, snarling and growling. A few of the younger goblins yelp in fear at the loud noises released by her, yet....it seems to help. Her candle fires off a round of molten hate....saling towards the silent creature and...... right on by. SHE MISSED!
"Ooooooo" rings out over the crowd. "Mayhaps big head scare self..."
Recalling his recent humiliation, Chuffy sights in his dog and pops off a round. The bit of light smacks it square in the chest and it ignites!
"YAY Chiefly Stabby burns dogs!" shrieks a nearby goblin.
Round 1:
Reta
Chuffy
Mogmurch
Poog
6 Dogs
[ooc]Mogmurch & Poog up
Mogmurch holds the lit firework in his hand reverently, crooning and cradling it. There is surely no greater joy to be had than an explosive afire and in one's hand. His rapture is so great that he nearly forgets to throw it at all, but just before the wick completely burns down, he twirls into a wind-up, spits a mouthful of chewing tobacco to the side, and hurls his explosive straight at the head of one of the dogs!
Mogmurch and Poog each fire a shot...but only hit goblins in the crowd. Mogmurches victim's clothes ignite, sending him diving into the soup. "AAAAEEEEEIIIIIIII!" **SPLOOSH**
Reta
Chuffy
Mogmurch
Poog
6 Dogs
3 Horses
Pa Munchmeat
The straw dogs are beginning to appear more real to Reta, starting to sway back and forth as if they were challenging the goblin Queen. "Ayiiiiiiiiiii!" she yells as she lets another firework fly.
"Chuffy be hairy wizard!" he screams gleefully as he launches another tiny ball of fire at the strawdog. "GET CHUFFY SORTING HAT!" he bellows at the nearest observer.
________
Mogmurch grimaces. Throwing things is his jam, his calling, his path before he was ever called to politics. His sub-chieftains must not best him!
"Pfft! Poog's little finger make bigger fireball than that..." Poog complains as his firework fizzles out, not even setting a single spectator on fire. "Why you give me faulty firework!" He yells at Rotmouth as he indignantly snatches another candle from one of the nearby goblins. Scowling, Poog sticks out his tongue in concentration and carefully aims at a horse effigy, waiting as long as he dares before letting loose.
Gazing intently at the straw beasts, Reta swears she saw one move. Leveling the device, she fires off an ember and the thing bursts into flames! Cheers erupt from the onlookers. "BIG HEAD SHOOT DOG!"
Chuffy launches another burning ray into the straw beasts ahead. The ground shrieks with glee as its incinerated. "Chuffy be HUFFLEPUFFER!"
Not to be outdone by his subordinates, Mogmurch takes a breath and brings down one of his own. "CHIEFY! CHIEFY BURNS IT!"
Shying away from the angry Poog. Rotmouth stammers, "All is same. Rotmouth swear. Rotmouth no shame Chiefy Pa..pa...poog!"
Alas, the burning flame again winks out before reaching it's target...and a voice from the back of the crowd giggles loudly, squealing...."MAYHAPS CHIEF POOF NEEDS HELP! HE HE HE"
Reta
Chuffy
Mogmurch
Poog
6 Dogs
3 Horses
Pa Munchmeat
Fueled by his goblin underlings, Chuffy starts to forth at the mouth a little. "CHUFFY BEST HUFFLEPUFFER! IS THE GOBLIN THAT LIVED!" he screeches as he launches another mini ball of fire at a dog.
________
"DIE DOG DIE DIE DIE!!!" Reta exclaims, and does an off-kilter spinning dance that nearly sends her fur veil off of her head. Ignoring the near-ruin of her delightful fashion statement, she levels another firework at one of the remaining dogs and lets it fly again.