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You are goblins of the Licktoad tribe, who live deep in Brinestump Marsh, south of the hated man-town called Sandpoint. Once, other goblins tried to burn Sandpoint down, and they would have been legends if they had succeeded. But they didn’t bring enough fire, and got themselves killed as a result.
Yesterday, your tribe discovered that one of your own had been using forbidden arts and was engaged in one of the greatest of taboos—writing things down. In fact, rumor holds that what he was writing was a history of your tribe! There’s no swifter way to bring about bad luck than stealing words out of your mind by writing them down, and so your tribe had no choice. You branded the goblin’s face with letters to punish him, which is why everyone calls him Scribbleface now, and then you ran him out of town, took all of his stuff, and burned down his hut.
That’s where things got interesting, because before you all burned down his hut, Chief Gutwad found a weird box within the building. Inside was a map and a lot of fireworks—fireworks that immediately came to use in burning the hut down. Then, this morning, Gutwad announced that tonight there would be a feast in order to drive out any lingering bad luck from Scribbleface’s poor decisions. But perhaps even more exciting, all of you have been secretly invited to meet at Chief Gutwad’s Moot House. Why would the chief want to speak to you?
It can only mean that he’s got an important mission for you all... one that the other goblins of the tribe couldn’t pull off. This could be your chance to go down in Licktoad history!
Dot.
"Ha! Stupid Scribbleface and his bad writings... Got what he deserved he did!" Poog says to his lucky toad, Dogfinder, as he excitedly waits to meet the chief "His hut burnt real good, though! Bring good luck to stop stupid writing luck." He smiles, remembering how lucky they were to find the fireworks "And now Chief Gutwad wants me for a super special mission, so the fireworks made even gooder luck! Soon I will prove that I'm the bestest goblin in the Licktoads." He licks Dogfinder for even more luck, and stuffs him into a pocket, ready for anything the day may bring.
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Reta approaches the chief's house, her bridal veil--dirty and ragged as she likes--not so much flowing as summersaulting in the wind. "POOG! Why you here, Poog?" Why Poog here? Poog honored by Chief too?
She pulls a small caterpiller out of her pocket and begins kneading the tiny critter between her fingers.
"What you think Chief want us here for? You think for something special?"
"RETA!" Poog shouts back, still struggling to get his lucky toad to stay in his pocket "Chief want me here 'cause I bestest goblin. Good with fire! What you here for? You bring snacks?" Poog asks, licking his lips and staring hungrily at the caterpillar. Before she can answer, Poog finds and picks up an unattended stick "Ha!" And whacks his side a few times until his pocket stops wiggling "Stay, Dogfinder, stay!"
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After waiting outside the Chief's hut for what seems like forever, a high pitched, nasal voice yells out to you from inside, one that you all recognize as Slorb's. "Geeeet in heeeere!!!"
Lying at the center of the village, the chief ’s Moot House is a veritable museum of Licktoad heroics— crammed with trophies such as stolen weapons, shiny bits of treasure, and the brine-pickled bodies of dozens of brutally slaughtered small furry animals (mostly dogs). His Mighty Girthness Chief Rendwattle Gutwad rules Licktoad Village from atop the great Teeter Chair, which is 6 feet high and allows him to more properly look down on his subjects. By tradition, Chief Gutwad does not speak directly to his subjects. Instead, he employs an advisor through whom he whispers instructions, for Chief Gutwad has convinced his goblins that the words that come out of his mouth are so mighty that they might frighten away all the words in the heads of lesser goblins. Only his duly appointed advisor, an overdressed, pompous goblin named Slorb, can handle the might of the chief’s words without fainting from fear.
Slorb directs you to sit on the dirt in front of the Chief (a great honor!), but then, much to your surprise and shock, Chief Gutwad speaks to all of you directly in a deep, booming voice
“You all be heroes. Each of you. You are best Licktoads but for me. And maybe but for Slorb. That you aren’t fleeing in terror from mighty sound of my voice is all the proof you should need. Yet soon, all Licktoad goblins will know your might, for I have picked you for a dangerous mission."
“You know about fireworks and map we found in Scribbleface’s hut. Fireworks were fun. But map is more fun. It shows a route to a place near the coast where Scribbleface found fireworks. And it says there are more fireworks there!"
“I want them for Licktoads. You all go get them tomorrow. Tonight we have big bonfire to burn bad luck away from you, and we play many games. Much fun. Tomorrow you fetch me fireworks. If you meet men, you make them dead. If you meet dogs, you make them dead. If you meet horses, you make them dead. If you meet Lotslegs Eat Goblin Babies Many, you maybe should run. And if you not find fireworks, you not come back or we feed you to Squealy Nord!”"
Before you even know what to say to this great honor though, Slorb quickly ushers you back outside and hands you a map to the fireworks cache. "Oooout nows! Get ready for feast. And don't die, chief not be happy!"
When Poog's eyes light on Reta's caterpillar, she immediately pops the bug into her mouth. She answers Poog with slimy caterpillar guts smeared on her teeth and lips.
"I'm the biggest and baddest goblin; Poog can be bestest, so long as Reta stays baddest. Chief make special request for Reta to come. Maybe to fight big dog!"
When they enter the hut, Reta points out some of her own trophies enshrined amongst the others. "Reta kill that dog. Reta killed that dog too. And that one; that was fun one. Chief not have any dogs that Reta not killed, look like."
When Chief Gutwad speaks to her directly, Reta hops back in fear, and her mind goes blank as it attempts to live up to his voice's reputation. When thoughts start creeping back, she tries to push them away, lest she offend the great aura of the Licktoad Chief! But he explains that it's her own heroism that allows her to hear his voice, so she finally begins to accept what's happening. She listens in awe, beaming with pride.
"Reta baddest, and also biggest goblin. I will make all the things dead for Licktoad glory!"
"And also get fireworks. Reta not forget fireworks."
Poog stumbles out of the Chief's hut, blinking and in a daze. After a moment of silence, he suddenly thinks to himself My words are back! He then points at Reta "Ha! Yes you baddest alright... Baddest lier!" He laughs so hard that he falls over, insanely proud of his cleverness even if the joke was a bit belated "Chief says we all be heroes though, so you not all bad." He says still rolling on the floor "Yous lot wanna find food for feast? Big day tomorrow, we need food and fire for luck!"
Mogmurch can hardly believe his good fortune! Fireworks!?! Fireworks! Fireworks oh joy oh joy oh joy... "For sure Chief summoned me for this most important extra special mission 'cuz me got special nollig for what to do with them fireworks. Prolly he want the rest o' you lot to be my guardians, make sure nuthin' bad happenz to me, what a great honor for you!"
Eyeing Reta's slime-covered mouth mistrustfully, he carefully pulls his toad 'Amfibier' out of his pocket and begins to whisper gleefully to it, "Fireworks fireworks fireworks oh joy oh joy oh joy we gonna get some fireworks then we gonna kablammo kablooey oh yeah kakakaboom!" The toad looks unimpressed and Mogmurch shoves him back into his pocket. Looking over his spectacles, he grunts, "Right then, this gonna be fun. What could possibly go rong?"
Chuffy sneers as he hear's Slorb's voice summon him. I am worthy of hearing Chief too, maybe I stick, stick, stick, him and be advisor...
He steps into the Moot House and gawks in aww at the many trophies of the Mighty Girthness Chief Rendwattle Gutwad. "So many dogs... Did they scream? I hope they whined long, looong time..." he mutters to himself while petting Stankrush, the spider that lives in the cage he holds.
As Gutwad addresses them in his own voice, his boils and pimples begin to quiver in fear. Part way through the briefing, one of them bursts messily onto Mogmurch's face. "Chuffy bring back fireworks and become Sneakiest Goblin Hero!" he declares while trying to further smear the gunk on Mog's face with his hand.
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Goblins toil all afternoon to build the bonfire out of branches, sticks, and unburnt timbers taken from the ruins of Scribbleface’s hut. As night falls, a group of four struggling goblins carry the Teeter Chair (with Chief Gutwad sitting atop it) out to the bonfire. The chief turns to Slorb and whispers in his ear and you notice an odd, foot long wooden tube in his hand. "Chief say that this evening for celebration. This bonfire is to ward away the evil spirits that Scribleface brought on Toadlicker Tribe. Tomorrow heroes..." Slorb points to the party. "Will go out and get treasure for the Chief."
With this the chief lights a tube on fire. Within seconds arc of fire erupt from the tube. For each arc of fire that struck the bonefire just as many struck goblins that were just standing by. The goblin hoard erupted into cheers and laughter as the few goblins run around as the flames spread and the bonfire erupted into the sky above.
This signals the start of an all-night party that features lots of good things to eat (snails, fish, and snakes) and gives the four of you a chance to enjoy being goblins, mingling with your kind as the evening continues with feasting and dares. The chief soon signals for a barrel of fermenting cider apples to be brought out, and soon most of the goblins drinking and eating the apples.
Poog pumps his fists in the air and cheers when Slorb tells all the goblins that he is one of the heroes "Poog find treasures for whole tribe!" He slaps the two nearest heroes on the back and continues "And 'cause Poog be smart, Poog bring friends in case Vorka hungry. He eat them, Poog come back with big treasure and all limbs attached." With his grand speech finished, Poog cheers again.
After a moment, he settles down again and stares blankly into space, sure a thought is about to pop into his head, but as usual, it proves too elusive and is completely forgotten as soon as the cider barrel is brought out "Dizzy Apples!" Poog screams in delight "Out the way, we be heroes and we be hungry!" He continues to yell as he pushes his way to the front of the barrel Now Poog hero, Poog deserve good apples with caterpillars in! he thinks to himself, licking his lips and drooling all over the shorter goblins "Out the way!"
Mogmurch watches the display of fireworks with a rapturous mixture of joy and envy and anticipation. The thought that soon an entire trove of fireworks could be in his hands seems almost more wonderful than he could have ever imagined; watching the Chief shooting fire around the party, Mogmurch knows that he could do even better, and he slyly dreams of what he will do when all those fireworks are in his hands. Yet that is still far away, tomorrow or even later, no substitute for a nice firework in the hand RIGHT NOW. Glum, and jealous, Mogmurch flicks boogers onto his companions, imagining they are fireworks, or bombs, and perfecting his aim. It's all in the wrist, all in the wrist...
When the barrel of apples appears, Mogmurch consumes with gusto, only too happy to be distracted from his current lack of fireworks.
Mogmurch is also very nolligible, as he never tires of reminding his guards:
Reta examines the map, turning it this way and that, finally settling on an orientation that makes the wiggly line of the stream look like what she imagines is the silhouette of a dog's face spurting with blood. She smiles. "This good map! Whoever draw great artist."
The map ends up with North pointed towards East, but her lack of skill at map-reading combines with her lack of knowledge of geography to give her a slightly correct interpretation. "You know," she says, pointing to entirely the wrong section of the map. "This where Lotslegs live. All goblins that come back from other places not talk about Lotslegs. This only place on map that goblins that come back not talk about, so this must be place where Lotslegs eats goblins and they don't come back." A strange emotion washes over her face--certainly not fear, not from such a strong warrior! "Good thing I go with, I protect all from Lotslegs, be first to return from here with story!"
She happily joins in the festivities, latching onto Poog's new phrasing for the mushy treats floating in the cider. "Dizzy apples! Poog so smart. Reta love dizzy apples!" While concentrating on a particularly strong apple, a flaming goblin bumps into Reta, lighting her bridal veil aflame. She quickly tears it off her head and puts the flame out, but notices the edges where it burnt away. Admiring the charred fabric, she begins repeatedly plunging it into the fire and putting the flames out until there's an attractive pattern of burns all over the veil.
"See pretty veil!" She screams as she pushes it into her fellow heroes' faces, using more than her outside voice. She puts it on her head, askew from her tipsiness. "Now Reta prettiest and baddest goblin!"
Poog nods as he wipes boogers from his head and wipes them on a passing goblin's face "Good thing Reta read map, Poog thought it goes other way! Lotslegs would have attacked when we not ready, then Poog would have to carry all fireworks back alone." He says, convinced he must be the fastest runner out of the heroes, and secure in the knowledge that he doesn't have to run faster than Lotslegs Eat Goblin Babies Many, just faster then the others.
Poog has already had one or two dizzy apples when Reta's starts improving her veil by plunging it into the fire and then putting out the flames. He starts imagining what it would be like if she wore the veil while it's still alight and starts laughing. In fact, Poog laughs so hard that cider squirts out of his nose all over the flaming goblin that set Reta's veil alight in the first place, causing a massive fireball to erupt "Ha! Reta prettiest and baddest, Poog bestest and flamiest! Nothing can stop us!!!" For some reason, the apples seem to be making Poog much more confident than usual.
"No, no, no! Reta is STOOPIDEST! Map is this way, we go here then here!" Chuffy demands, pointing to entirely wrong, portions of the map that are opposite to Reta. "Chuffy show you all, Chuffy is best goblin ever," he says proudly.
His eyes bulge a little as he feels the sledgehammer of a glare that only Chief Gutwad can produce. "Chuffy mean bestest goblin besides his Mighty Meatiness!" he stammers, recovering admirably from the situation. Chuffy only need to kill Slorb and then be number two goblin!
Eager to reestablish his inherent dominance over the other goblins, he makes it a point to eat two more apples than any other he can see. A few apples in, however, he throws up, releasing a deluge of chunky apple pieces that narrowly miss Poog. Chuffy begins to laugh and roll hysterically at his own misfortune and begins to throw it at nearby goblins.
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"These dizzy apples so delicious! What is recipe?!? Must get recipe for dizzy apples, then Mogmurch make bottles of dizzy apples, throw at Lotslegs if she comes too near, even Lotslegs sure to *love* dizzy apples, 'specially if Mogmurch makes them, but must get recipe!"
Mogmurch chortles with glee when Chuffy vomits dizzy apples all over the place, and carefully collects some specimens for later examination 'in the lab.'
"None o' youse got the nollidge to read this map, that's why you guards, me brains! Mogmurch grabs the map and begins to trace a path, using Chuffy's vomit to show the route and the locations of possible dangers such as Lotslegs and Vorka. "See, we go this way, then that way, then here, then there, no problem, then we heroes be even more famous, all the goblins know us, sing about us, just follow me and nothing can go rong!
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As the night continues on, other goblins begin to question whether they should have been the ones picked for the special mission and start to give the four of you dares. Chief Gutwad obviously hears some of these and whispers into Slorb's ear. "Chief say that if heroes complete dares he will give them personal special treasure." This is almost unheard of in the tribe and causes the goblins to go into a frenzy as they draw horse choppers and dogslicer's into the air. More than one goblin gets overly excited and jumps from the roof of a hut only to break most if his bones while a few others fall into rain barrels and drown as they are unable to get out. Soon the crowd is chanting for the heroes as the dares have been called out. The first one you hear is a challenge to dance with Squealy Nord, the fearsome boar who lives in a muddy pit in the middle of the village, right next to the goblin baby cages.
Reta, an accomplished drinker in her own right, has no trouble with the dizzy apples she's eaten, and immediately steps up to the challenge. "Reta handle Squeeeeeeely Nord just fine! Reta ride dogs! Silly boar no challenge."
Her bravado up, she steps into the pen with the beast, and does her best to corral it and hop on it's back.
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Reta takes the challenge and hops aboard the tethered up pig. The rope is untied and before Squealy Nord has even made it into his 20 foot ring, the goblin is tossed off! Thankfully, she gracefully lands on her feet, avoiding any serious harm, besides what's done to her ego. Determined to show she can do it, Reta orders the other goblins to tie the pig up again so she can climb on once more. This time, she's able to hold on tightly as the pig bucks and kicks, and eventually it tires and lays down. All the goblins cheer and Reta is presented with a Dragon Brew Gourd from the Chief's personal stash.
The next dare involves eating a bag of bull slugs real fast. Bull slugs are black, wriggling slugs the size of sausages. Even among the goblins, they’re considered particularly foul-tasting and, because of the large amounts of slime they exude, difficult to chew. There are five slugs in the bag, and nobody has ever eaten the entire pouch in under a minute.
While not quite as accomplished a drinker as Reta, Poog manages to keep his dizzy apples down without ill effect. In fact, he probably felt weirder after licking his lucky toad earlier Oh boy! Personal special treasure... I hope Chief means pickled dog!!! He's about to raise his hands to accept the dare, but Reta beats him to it.
He rushes to the gate, jumping on the back of one of the poor broken goblins as he goes, eager to watch his second in command tame the mighty beast, so he doesn't have to "Poog next, Poog next! Zarongel make Poog mighty rider of many things!" He lies, the truth is that he is a terrible rider, as most Licktoads know, but he'll poke any goblin with his dogslicer if they say otherwise "Poog dance with Squealy Nord, you'll see!" He feigns disappointment that Reta managed to tame Squealy Nord before he could, but he is one of the loudest to cheer when she gets her prize "RETA! RETA! RETA!"
The next dare, however, is right up his ally "Poog eat ten slugs for breakfast!" He boasts as he stuffs two bull slugs in his mouth at the same time.
Mogmurch has spent a lot of time 'in the lab' tasting his various concoctions; he knows how to handle a few dizzy apples, and continues to partake with glee!
When Reta is thrown from Squealy Nord's back, Mogmurch laughs with delight and says, "Here, let me show you how it's done! Reta may be strong but youse gotta have nollidge to ride a beast like Squealy!" He approaches Squealy with enthusiasm bolstered by the dizzy apples.
A few minutes later, when the Chief gives the second dare, Mogmurch rushes to grab a bag of slugs. A perfect chaser after all those dizzy apples... He consumes them with gusto, followed by a ferocious belch.
Living a life of constant discomfort, Chuffy easily handles any ill effects of the apples. His previous upheaval could only have been caused by rapid overeating in his zeal for superiority.
"My turn, my turn! Chuffy even better than Reta Little-Bad!" Chuffy shouts as he leaps into Squealy Nord's ballroom. Chuffy know just where to hold to make piggy squeal most... Taking a long, slow lick of Fat Frog and stowing him back into his pocket, he begins stalking the pig.
When a bag of foul slugs is shoved in his arms, he grins with evil glee and dives head first into the thing. Like a rabid dog, he rips into the slugs, sending slime and pieces all over the place. He kicks, screams, and flails about with the sack over his head while he gorges himself further.
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Not to be outdone by Reta, Mogmurch jumps on Squealy Nord after seeing that she got a prize out of it. Surprisingly, he does better than Reta, and manages to tame the pig quite quickly. He cheers in excitement, only to realize no other goblins seems to be paying attention to him and have moved on. Chuffy, not wanting to be shown up by the others, also hops on the hog and easily rides it, only to find he's all alone and nobody's around to witness his great feat.
Poog steps up to the bull slug challenge first, and though it almost take him the entire 1 minute to eat the, he swallows down the last ball of slime with only second to spare. Mogmurch comes running up afterwards and wants to try it himself as well, and though he's able to get four of them down, the last one proves to be too slimy and keeps wiggling out of his mouth. Time expires and all the other goblins point and laugh at his expense. For winning the dare, Chief Gutwad presents Poog with a very special weapon, the mighty Gorge of Gluttons!
The next dare, is for a game of Hide or Get Clubbed, something all goblin children are familiar with. The objective is to rush off into the march without any weapons and try and hide from a group of goblins trying to find them. If you do end up being found, the goblin that finds you gets to whack you over the head with a club.
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Reta has been examining the Dragon Brew Gourd, imagining what it would be like to breath fire. She almost consumes the thing on the spot just to try it, but gets distracted by the announcement of a game of hide and seek. Reta favorite!
She makes no attempt to hide, but instead lines up to get one of the clubs, pushing other goblins out of the way to be first in line. "Make way, make way. Big-Bad Reta on the way!"
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Eating four slugs with nothing to show for it has left Mogmurch with a bad taste in his mouth.
Stupid goblins, how they miss my ekwestrianship with Squealy...? Now I show them, disappear like a master of dahk ahts, they never know where I am 'till I choose to show myself, then kabloom!
Pulling on his skull face mask, in the hopes that it will somehow make him harder to spot, Mogmurch disappears into the shadows...
Poog quivers in fear pride as his Mighty Girthness presents him with the magnificent dogslicer With this, Poog sure to kill first dog in no time!
Poog has always had ambivalent feelings about this game. On the one hand it is really fun to find and club other goblins, one of the funnest things in fact. On the other hand when it is his turn to hide, Poog either gets left all alone in the marshes for several days without a weapon to fight off ravenous leeches, or he gets whacked in the head by an overzealous goblin with a club. Seeing Reta in the clubbing line doesn't make him feel any better, either. Still, Poog has been chosen by Zarongel, and it would not do to turn down a dare "Poog be bestest at hiding! Can hear Chuffy's face pop, Can smell Mogmurch's stinky toys, Can see Reta's veil move in wind. Only Poog is unfindable!" He claims confidently as Mogmurch disappears into the marsh, but he also waits to see if Chuffy accepts the dare before he runs off to hide himself. Poog follow Chuffy into marsh and hide behind him! No one find Poog then, just Chuffy... With his cunning plan hatched, Poog watches Chuffy closely with a big grin on his face, steepling his fingers, and laughing softly... At least, at first "Ahahahaha!".
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he screeches, desperate for attention. Bitter at his talent being wasted on such dumb creatures, he finds one of the drowning goblins and stabs him with his dogslicer. "Stick, stick, stick make it all better..." he mutters to himself.
At the call for Hide or Get Clubbed, Chuffy walks right up to Reta and spits at her face. His boils quivering with malice he taunts her. "Reta never find Chuffy EVER!" Giggling like a lunatic, waving his arms above his head, and, Stankrush rattling in his cage, Chuffy dives into the tall grass. "Careful Chuffy not find you fiiiirst!" he sings creepily from the darkness.
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Mog, Poog, and Chuffy all decide to join he fun and run off and hide, while Reta decides it's more fun to be the searcher. All three choose their hiding spots really well, and very few of the goblins in the search party even come near their secret spots. But Reta's played this before with them, and remembers where Mogmurch and Poog always hide. She manages to do what the others couldn't and finds them both, happily delivering a solid blow to their heads with a large stick.
Nobody ever finds Chuffy though, and eventually Slurb screams out that the game is over and that everyone gives up. For his excellent hiding job, Chuffy is presented with the Ring That Lets You Climb Real Good (a ring of climbing).
The final challenge is for someone to make it through the Rusty Earbiter. The infamous Rusty Earbiter is a hollow coil of rusty wires, barrel hoops, bent swords, and thorny branches and vines that's kept behind the Moot House when not in use. So named for the fact that it's claimed a number of goblin ears in the past, and several are still stuck in it. The Rusty Earbiter is both an object of fascination and fear for the Licktoads. The half-insane tinkerer who invented the thing has long since died (carried off one night by a giant bird of some sort after his first and only test of a prototype bird-attracting hat), but his legacy lives on, though nobody remembers it's real purpose. The other goblins cheer and hoot as it's brought out, and a half-dozen eager goblins roll the 20- foot coil out from behind the Moot House with the typical number of slashed fingers and stabbed legs such a task normally brings.
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Reta eyes this particular challenge with suspicion and concern. She slowly lifts her hands to the sides of her head, then holds them out in front of her, trying to estimate if there's even a chance her oversized noggin could fit.
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Poog stares at the rusty contraption, rubbing his head and mumbling something about how Reta must have cheated. Seeing that Reta is trying to gauge if she can fit her head through the Rusty Earbiter, and clearly seeing that there is no way it could, Poog decides to get his own back by convincing her to do the dare first "Pfft! No worry, Reta fit easy! I bet Reta make it through in record time, 'cause Reta be baddest goblin in Licktoads!!!" He then starts chanting in the hopes that she won't be able to resist the power of song.
♫ Reta looks just like bride
Can find goblins when they hide
Reta's head not too wide
Reta can make other side! ♫
He keeps repeating the same lines over and over, but can't help sniggering between repetitions.
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His pride (and noggin) aching, Mogmurch glares at the Rusty Earbiter and at his fellow heroes. Although he never knew the inventor, he knows that he must have been a kindred spirit, another genius among the goblin masses who could never hope to grasp the subtlety of their thoughts... It's just like my lab equipment, 'cept for being completely different, but that's a trifle, the main thing is that none o' these other goblin fools got the smarts to wriggle and twist in the just the way ya gotta. I'll go through like a dogslicer on a chihuahua and these fools will leave their ears hanging in the wind...
"Right, time for youse to see a true goblin hero in action. Those other dares were just to make youse feel better when yer ears iz hanging off the ends o' the Earbiter. Watch me and then you won't even bother trying..."
Mogmurch slobbers on his toad (for good luck), puts on his spectacles (to look even smarter), fastens his metal codpiece into position (some of those sharp edges on Earbiter look a bit too close for comfort!), and wriggles into position.
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She is not fooled. "Poog just mad about knot on head!" Reta smacks the hero-priest across the head roughly in the same spot that she knocked him during Hide and Seek. "Reta not only baddest, but maybe smartest goblin. Poog just want Reta to lose a pretty ear!"
Poog squeals in pain at yet another whack on the bonce "Reta look better with one ear, maybe then head not look so big!" He says bitterly as he flicks one of Reta's ears. "Poog be smartest goblin! Poog show Reta Bighead by beating Rusty Earbiter..." He gets himself into position behind Mogmurch and awaits his turn to show stupid Reta who's the smartest once and for all.
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Poog volunteers to be the first to attempt the Earbiter, and the rusty contraption proves true to it's name. He immediately gets stuck, barely a foot into the 20 foot coil. The more he struggles to get free, the worse it gets, until all the goblins start laughing and taunting, and a few even throw rocks at him, as he's totally defenseless. With the help of a few others, they manage to pull him out of the jumbled mess of razor wire, though half his ear is missing.
Mogmurch goes next, and the luck from his toad, and the added 'intelligence' from his glasses, appear to help tremendously. Unlike Poog, he flies right through the Rusty Earbiter with nary a scratch. Everyone around cheers and even the Chief seems impressed with the speed of which he was able to complete the challenge. For his heroics, he is presented with the Chief’s Personal Very Useful Robe That Is Useful.
The night continues with more drinking, feasting, and Dizzy Apples, and one by one, goblins starts to fall asleep or pass out, many covered in their own vomit or someone else's.
The next morning, you are awoken by Slorb who once again summons you to the Chief's Moot House. This time Chief Gutwad chooses not to speak with you directly, and instead talks through his assistant. "You picked cause you're special. But not too special. Get fireworks and bring them here to me. Else I kill you and find others and be angry." To your surprise, you're offered the remaining fireworks from Scribbleface’s stash in the hopes it will help you come back with more—two Desnan candles, four paper candles, and a skyrocket.
wooden tube launches a flaming pyrotechnic “candle”
every round for 4 rounds. Each projectile deals 1 point
of nonlethal damage and 1 point of fire damage if it
hits; on a critical hit, the target is also blinded for 1
round. The projectiles shed light as candles for 1 round
and have a range increment of 5 feet. Attacking with a
Desnan candle is a ranged touch attack and always has a
–4 nonproficiency penalty.
Paper Candle (1 gp): This finger-sized explosive
detonates noisily 1 round after lighting. Anyone in the
same square as a paper candle when it explodes must make
a DC 15 Fortitude save or be dazzled for 1d4 rounds.
Skyrocket (50 gp): When lit, this foot-long wooden
tube begins to shake and emit a handful of white sparks,
shedding light as a torch. One round later it takes
flight, moving in a straight line with a fly speed of 90
for 1d6 rounds before loudly exploding in an burst of
light and sound, dealing 2d6 points of fire damage in a
10-foot burst (DC 15 Reflex save for half ). If a skyrocket
impacts a solid surface or a creature before reaching its
maximum range, it detonates prematurely at the point
of impact. Anyone who takes damage from the explosion
is either blinded or deafened (a 50% chance of either) for
1 round.
Mogmurch wears his new robe with delight and pride, dancing about in what can only be described as a goblinish waltz. It has been a fine party, and this ending could not be better, as he shovels a few more dizzy apples into his face, and crams leftovers into his new robe to save for later.
...
When the Chief summons them the next morning, Mogmurch bows low, trembling at the thought of the awesome responsibility that now rests on his shoulders.
At the mention of the remaining fireworks stash, however, he startles into a quivering state of anticipation. Those beautiful boom boom booms, they here now, they here for me, Chief say I special best special hero, now boom boom boom in my hand.... Oh joy joy joy... Mogmurch nearly throttles Ambifier in his excitement, before turning to look slyly at his guards: Reta, Poog, and Chuffy. "These fireworks not goblin toys, only for those with nollidge, that why for I study long hours in lab, you very lucky that Chief sending me to lead this expedition, that way you not ruin fireworks. But if I carry all, might be slowing me down too much if we meet Lotslegs. So better if you lot hold some for me - I tell you when I need them - but DON'T try to use them youself - you no got nollidge, will kablammo yerself." Mogmurch generously gives each of his guards a single paper candle, and then puts the two Desnan candles, the skyrocket, and the remaining paper candle into his pouch.
"Chuffy have plenty of nollidge! Chuffy know where to stick mean goblins and bad creatures when they mouthy," he threatens. "Not fair, not fair! Weirdo gets more fire than Chuffy! CHUFFY SHOW YOU!" he shouts as he leaps at Mogmurch and tries to wrestle more fireworks out of his hands.
When the dust settles, Chuffy is left huffing and puffing with his single paper candle, now bent and battered and little blood spots on his face. Mogmurch likely has numerous greasy, yellowish splotches all over his body as a result. He pouts as he looks at the firework longingly. Chuffy don't need stupid fireworks. Only for Chief.
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Poog spent a good while after the Rusty Earbiter incident sulking, and trying to find small fluffy things to kick. Stupid Earbiter, make Poog look bad. Eventually, he pulls one of the drowned goblins out of a rain barrel for a drink, but stops short when he sees his reflection Oooh, Half ear suit Poog! Half ear make Poog look extra dangerous. A few more dizzy apples later and he starts dancing around the fire, naked.
...
Poog starts laughing as Chuffy and Mogmurch start wrestling, he finds seeing Chuffy's pimples and boils burst all over Mogmurch particularly funny. Any thoughts of jealousy forgotten after the hilarious show, Poog stands up and declares "Poog half-ear, chosen of Zarongel, Bestest Goblin but for Chief and maybe Slorb, and hero of Licktoads needs no toys to make fire! Poog just open hands and Woooosh." He starts making all sorts of wooshing and exploding noises while waving his arms about, demonstrating his god given firework powers. After all is said and done, however, he does make sure to squirrel his paper candle away beneath his cloak. Just in case.
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The marsh itself is relatively difficult to navigate, with numerous stretches of deep water that must be skirted and thick tangles of stinging nettles. After about 30 minutes of walking the party begins to hear the clacking of claws coming up behind the party. As they turn around, they see a spider the size of a man crawling over the log at the group with green venom dripping from its fangs. This must be Lotslegs Eat Goblin Babies Many!
Round 1
Reta
Poog
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Lotslegs
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Mogmurch
Chuffy
Poog screams in terror. Eyes wide, and knees knocking together, he turns to Reta "But Reta say Lotslegs on other side of marsh! Now Poog say Reta should kill Lotslegs for being stupid! But Poog nice..." Poog licks his finger, sticks it in Reta's ear, and wiggles it around "Poog make Reta most lucky goblin in Licktoads." He then draws the Gorge of Gluttons and waits bravely for someone else to attack Lotslegs first.
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Move action: Draw Gorge of Gluttons.
Reta recoils from Poog's slimy invasion of her ear. What Poog thinking? It true that promise of good fight is way into Reta heart, but no time for this now, Reta have to fight Lotslegs! "Reta not Poog bride, you not get to go inside Reta ear! Besides, Reta have fighting to do!"
She pulls her own dogslicer as she charges at the hairy-legged critter!
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Poog gives Reta a lucky wet willy, and though she complains about it, the aid of Zarongel guided her weapon just enough that she's able to cut off the tip of one of Lotslegs' legs. It lets out a terrifying screech before retaliating and sinking it's fangs into the goblin's shoulder. Poison seeps into her veins, and she immediately feels herself becoming weaker!
Round 1/2
Reta (-3, -2 Str)
Poog
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Lotslegs (-3)
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Mogmurch
Chuffy
Mogmurch stares at the freaky creature devouring Reta. Serves Reta right for clubbing Mogmurch, finally big bully gets what she deserves. But Lotslegs looks pretty hungry, might not be full up just from eating Reta, hmm, what could cause Lotslegs indigestion?
Mogmurch wracks his little goblin brain, trying to remember all the stories he's heard about Lotslegs...
Calculating furiously, Mogmurch concludes that if Lotslegs can be slowed down a bit, it might cause her to take her time devouring Reta, instead of rushing through her meal and hurrying on to the next course!
Stepping slightly to the side, he draws one of his precious bombs, wistfully fondling it a bit with a touch of sadness to see it go, until he remembers that besides hitting Lotslegs, he can also burn Reta with the splash. A wide toothy grin crosses his face, he kisses the bomb with gusto, and let's fly at Lotslegs.
Reta has no problem twisting her body to avoid much of Mogmurch's bomb, but she still catches the evil glint in his eye. "Reta already give veil best fire marks, Mogmurch. Don't need more!"
She refocuses herself on attacking the hairy spider, slashing at one of its other legs, then taking a step backwards so that she can draw the spider closer to the others. [i]Maybe Reta need help to kill Lotslegs. Feeling weak. Strange. Maybe if Reta get it close enough, it bite at other goblins too, then Reta can fight it and not die."[/b]
"Eat Reta, eat Reta!" Chuffy screams at the spider while pointing at the veiled goblin. Hoping to have the spider distracted, he waits for the spider to keep at it's prey before trying to slide the weapon deep in it's abdomen. Stankrush protect Chuffy from Lotslegs, spider don't fight spider!
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