We be Lick toads! We make raid!
Put the longshanks to the blade!
Burn them up from feet to head,
Make them hurt, then make them dead!
Cut the parents into ham,
Smush the babies into jam,
All the rest in pot get stewed,
We be Lick toads - you be food!
You are goblins of the Licktoad tribe, who live deep in Brinestump Marsh, south of the hated man-town called Sandpoint. Once, other goblins tried to burn Sandpoint down, and they would have been legends if they had succeeded. But they didn’t bring enough fire, and got themselves killed as a result.
Yesterday, your tribe discovered that one of your own had been using forbidden arts and was engaged in one of the greatest of taboos—writing things down. In fact, rumor holds that what he was writing was a history of your tribe! There’s no swifter way to bring about bad luck than stealing words out of your mind by writing them down, and so your tribe had no choice. You branded the goblin’s face with letters to punish him, which is why everyone calls him Scribbleface now, and then you ran him out of town, took all of his stuff, and burned down his hut.
That’s where things got interesting, because before you all burned down his hut, Chief Gutwad found a weird box within the building. Inside was a map and a lot of fireworks, fireworks that immediately came to use in burning the hut down. Then, this morning, Gutwad announced that tonight there would be a feast in order to drive out any lingering bad luck from Scribbleface’s poor decisions. But perhaps even more exciting, all of you have been secretly invited to meet at Chief Gutwad’s Moot House. Why would the chief want to speak to you? It can only mean that he’s got an important mission for you all... one that the other goblins of the tribe couldn’t pull off. This could be your chance to go down in Licktoad history!
Lying at the center of the village, the chief ’s Moot House is a veritable museum of Licktoad heroics, crammed with trophies such as stolen weapons, shiny bits of treasure, and the brine-pickled bodies of dozens of brutally slaughtered small furry animals (mostly dogs).
His Mighty Girthness Chief Rendwattle Gutwad rules Licktoad Village
from atop the great Teeter Chair, which is 6 feet high and allows him to more properly look down on his subjects. By tradition, Chief Gutwad does not speak directly to his subjects. Instead, he employs an advisor through whom he whispers instructions, for the words coming out of Chief Gutwad's mouth are so mighty that they might frighten away all the words in the heads of lesser goblins.
Only his duly appointed advisor, an overdressed, pompous goblin named Slorb, can handle the might of the chief ’s words without fainting from fear. You are gathered before the entrance to the Moot House, awaiting invitation from Slorb to enter.
Shuffling her feet in the dirt, Reta stands outside the Moot House, waiting for the others to arrive. Fishing out a tarnished silver hand mirror, she adjusts her corset - faded and stained, it once belonged to a delicious halfling - and straightens the bridal veil hanging over her enormous brow as she sings softly to herself.
"Reta chop and Reta bite!
Reta slay and Reta fight!
Reta stab and Reta smite!
Reta kills it all just right!"
"Go home, woman!"
A small, annoyed shout echoed between the buildings, announcing another's approach.
"No! Rempty wanna watch!" countered another, higher-pitched voice.
The two who rounded the corner were engaged in a heated discussion, and Mogmurch threw his hands up in exasperation. "Can't watch, can't watch, me tole you and tole you this be big secret meeting, you no can come in! No should even be..."
At that moment Reta -- who he'd just about run into -- finally registered, and he stopped short. Then his eyes narrowed momentarily.
"Hey, Mogmurch know you! You be Reta, huh? Me hear you way good fighter for girl. But you gotta go now, Mogmurch got big secret reason to stand here..." He pauses and rolls his eyes as the other female goblin tugs on his arm. "Rempty, go home! Or go anywhere, me no care just GO AWAY!"
He turns back to Reta. "You go away too. Is all suspicialcating if we both stand around here. Me got reason, so you go away!"
Without warning, his stomach growls, and he grumbles, "Me hope this superty-secret stuff no take long, Mogmurch hungry! No be fair, have meeting before big feast!"
Rempty tugs at his arm again. "Be food back at hut," she says helpfully.
He starts to inform her that no there's not, he ate it all... but then his face lights up in a big grin. "That be good idea, Rempty! You go back, get food, bring here, we have picnic! Go now, you no come back without eats, huh?" He shoves her roughly in the direction of home and snickers as she goes running off.
"Sometimes she be almost stupid as longshanks."
Thoughts of longshanks and of food mix in his head, and he reflexively begins singing an off-key song.
"Copper good and silver too,
slit your throat and take from you!
Steal your gold if in the mood,
but always ready for free food!"
As Rempty disappears from view behind a hut, Mogmurch turns back and then frowns.
"Why you still here? Me tell you go away!"
"Go home, woman!"
"Hey, Mogmurch know you! You be Reta, huh? Me hear you way good fighter for girl. But you gotta go now, Mogmurch got big secret reason to stand here... You go away too. Is all suspicialcating if we both stand around here. Me got reason, so you go away!"
"Why you still here? Me tell you go away!"
Reta tucks away her precious mirror as the puny loudmouthed fellow approaches. As he continues his protestrations, her brow furrows – but she's long-experienced with his type. She slowly creeps closer to the distracted Mogmurch, looming over him with her relative bulk until her massive head is inches from her own. Lunging forward to bump his noggin, she challenges him in a low growl. "This Reta's job! You only tag-along-long! You no like, you go home..." Her menacing glare is magnified by the sheer size of her bulbous eyes nested in that cranium of ridiculous proportion. Suddenly wheeling around to face the Moot House, she adopts a stance that suggests Mogmurch has ceased to exist – a power common to females of every species, it seems.
"Uff!"
Mogmurch staggers back from the unexpected assault. He rubs his head where she bopped it, though the only real injury is to his ego.
"You crazy, woman?!" he yelps. "Me think you just..." Seeing her facing the Moot house and patently ignoring him, Mogmurch stomps around to get in front of her, then begins talking animatedly.
"Me think you just eat a white toad, huh? You still confusilcated. What you mean anyway, 'you job'? And Mogmurch no be 'tag-along-long,' me got big hish-hush secret meeting with Chief Gutw... aah... got secret meeting, you no mind who!" He puffs up his chest and jabs at it with his thumb. "Much important meeting, and me tole come here for meeting makes Mogmurch much important too! Mogmurch talk three langages, know much bomb and fire stuffs. Me got valable know-age, huh?"
He crosses his arms over his chest in defiance. "Mogmurch here for meeting. Me be on officical business. Me no going nowhere. Hurmf!"
"You crazy, woman?!" he yelps. "Me think you just..." Seeing her facing the Moot house and patently ignoring him, Mogmurch stomps around to get in front of her, then begins talking animatedly.
"Me think you just eat a white toad, huh?"
Crossing her own arms in defiance, Reta once again whirls about, putting Mogmurch to her back, refusing to acknowledge his existence.
Mogmurch glares at Reta's back and then, grumbling, moves away down the street.
"Stupid fighter," he grouses. "Stupid like longshanks. Turn back on argament, good way get stabbity-stabbed! She just lucky Mogmurch nice guy, be all."
"Me wait for secret meeting here," he says to himself, stopping ten feet or so from Reta. "Not so suspicialcating me this far away."
"Stupid Reta," he grumbles again, throwing an evil look her way... and smiling at the the thought of following it with a bomb.
A high-pitched, nasal voice that you recognize as the voice of chief advisor Slorb calls out from the Moot house "You enter now!"
Inside, Chief Gutwad sits precariously atop the Teeter Chair. Gutwad is a corpulent goblin who looks down on you from his high vantage point. Slorb stands at his side, holding a piece of rolled canvas. You sit now in front of the Chief. ,
Then, much to your surprise and shock, Chief Gutwad speaks to you directly in a deep, booming voice.
Chief Gutwad waves his hand and Slorb steps forward, holding out the rolled piece of canvas.
Poog steps forward and accepts the canvas.
"Chief big smart to choose Poog. Everyone know Poog is Zargonel's favorite. With his blessing, Poog cannot fail."
He opens the canvas scroll to inspect it, frowns, tilts his head, turns the canvas upside down, then hands it off to a companion.
"Map confuses Poog's eyes, but Zargonel will guide him."
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The map is relatively simple, showing little more than the Licktoad village, the old shipwreck on the coast that supposedly contains the fireworks, and the creek that runs between the two locations. By following the creek, you should be able to easily reach the old wreck. Unfortunately, the old wreck is also located in the part of the swamp that all Licktoads know to be the territory of Vorka the cannibal...
she was driven out of town many years ago.
Since then, the story says that she’s lived alone somewhere along the coast to the west of Licktoad village, and while she’s never returned, most goblins who go missing in that part of the swamp are assumed to have been eaten by the cannibal.
"Small-head Poog - much talk, no teef!" Retta says, shuffling up and snatching the map for herself. "This show Vorka's swamp... wife of Licktoad chief, till she EATS him. Eated more, before she made to go. Now she here..." Retta's thumb plops down on the map, marking an broad stretch of swamp along the coastline. "She eat many many gobblies there."
Squaring her shoulders, she turns to Chief Gutwad. "We get fireworks for chief, no fail!
We find men or horse, we make them dead! We find dogs..." her face contorts with a glimpse of rage, nostrils flaring at imagined scent, "Dogs we make double dead!"
Good, good, now you'se go. Chief Gutwad neets to prepare for the feast. Slorb says while ushering you out of the Moot house.
Standing outside the Moot House, Reta lets it all sink in: their summons, their mission, and the upcoming.... "SPOTOLLLLLLLLL!" she shouts suddenly. "Spotol, we FEAST!" She jumps into the air in a happy jig, giant head threatening to capsize the delicate balance. Under her veil, perched on top of the small planetoid she called a head wriggles a big, warty toad. It wriggles, almost in answer to her cheers.
Mogmurch is just about to yell at the new arrivals to go away and not spoil his super-secret waiting, when Slorb calls everyone inside. Surprised to see Reta actually included and then awed by the presence of Chief Gutwad, he doesn't say much while in the Moot House.
As he files out with the others he asks, "Wait, Lotslegs Eat Goblin Babies Many not be eating grown gobblies too, right? We no be tender and juicy like babies!"
Standing in the street again he shrugs and says, "Okay, be no matter. We go do this thing for big boss, go get boom-bangs, be much-big heroes. Mogmurch know all about explody stuffs, this be no problem."
He stops and thinks for a moment before breaking into a big grin. "But first we eats!"
Then, remembering how Reta insulted Poog, he turns to the cleric. "Hey Poog, how you get to be Zargonel's favorite anyways?"
As Mogmurch talks to Poog, Reta stands behind the alchemist, sticking her tongue out furiously.
"Poog light lots of fires to honor Zargonel. Soon Poog kill lots of dogs for Zargonel too. Poog hope to find lots of dogs on big secret mission. Make them dead like FatHead say. Double dead dogs."
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Mogmurch nods in agreement. "Fire always good. Be almost good as boom-booms. And double-dead dogs be only good kind." He frowns as he becomes aware of something going on behind him, and looks around to see Reta.
He frowns but then says, "Mogmurch thought me be only one big chief call to meeting. Me not know Reta be tole too. And Poog and Chuffy."
He looks her up and down, then nods. "Mogmurch be much good with splody stuff, could get fireworks alone. But it be good to have fighter and others for extra. So it be okay you come along."
He looks her up and down, then nods. "Mogmurch be much good with splody stuff, could get fireworks alone. But it be good to have fighter and others for extra. So it be okay you come along."
Reta shrugs, too focused on the upcoming feast to worry about the earlier tension. "Could try alone. Most likely be food for Vorka – like others." Distracted by an aggressive growl of her stomach, Reta mumbles to herself. "Feast feast, when we feast?"
Goblins toil all afternoon to build the bonfire out of branches, sticks, and unburnt timbers taken from the ruins of Scribbleface’s hut. As night falls, a group of four struggling goblins carry the Teeter Chair (with Chief Gutwad sitting atop it) out to the bonfire, and the chief lights the fire with one of the remaining fireworks. This signals the start of the party that features lots of good things to eat (snails, fish, and snakes)
The chief brings out a barrel of fermenting cider apples early on and most goblins get drunk very quickly. Ekkie - a female goblin - belches loudly and shouts "So I heard we have some heroez in our midst! I bettz they are no true sjampions! Will them take on my darez? Or are zey cowards?"
Ekkie continues "I bet you arez not able to dance with Squaly Nord!". The rest of the goblins cheer her on and look at the four of you…
"Ekkie only mad that she not picked, cuz she twiggy and break easy! Squealy Nord no scare Reta!" Gently placing aside her toad Spotol and her bridal veil along with the rest of her gear, she prepares to ride the terrible piglet.
Massive head rolling from one side to the other, Reta cheers with a wordless roar, and the piglet runs about the coral, attempting to free itself from her bulk.
"Woo! Go Reta!" shouts Mogmurch as he jumps up and pumps his fist in the air, his words muffled from filtering through the food in his mouth. Some of it sprays on Rempty who is laughing and clapping beside him, but she doesn't seem to notice... or care.
"You be stupid, Ekkie!" he shouts at her between cupped hands. "Say big chief wrong be good way you get fed to Squealy Nord!"
His mind having returned to eating, Mogmurch instantly loses interest in the "bucking boar" ride and returns to stuffing his face with food.
Poog says a silent prayer in thanks that he didn't need to be the one to ride Squealy Nord. His noted inaptitude for riding is his greatest shame.
Then he says a very loud prayer for Reta.
"Zargonel grant his favor to Bighead, show every licktoad we big heroes."
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Ekkie's jaw drops almost to the ground as she sees Reta expertly riding Squealy Nord. Chief Gutwad whispers something to Slorb who runs of and quickly returns with a flask that he presents to Reta.
"Herez, Cheif says you be reel hero, you get Dragon Brew Gourd"
Ekkie has regained her composure and pipes up again "Ha! I don't zink zey can eatz a bag of bull slugs real quick"
A covered wicker basket containing the slug bag is brought before everyone who accepts this dare, along with a napkin made out of a soggy leaf. You have 1 minute (6 rounds) to eat an entire bag of bullslugs to win this dare. Eating the slugs is not a problem, even though they wriggle, taste of rotten fish, and burst with a little squeal when chewed. Eating a full bag in a minute is the hard part. There are five slugs in the bag, and successfully eating one requires a DC 15 Fortitude save (this drops to a DC 10 Fortitude save if the goblin doesn’t bother to spit out the slug’s mildly poisonous slime bladder—but neglecting to take care not to eat the slime bladder could have repercussions). Eating a slug is a full-round action (because of the squirming), and a goblin who fails a save can attempt to swallow the same slug on the following round.
"Ha! I don't zink zey can..."
"You have 1 minute (6 rounds)..."
Mogmurch hears Ekkie's taunt dimly over the sound of himself chewing. With a food-spewing laugh he elbows Rempty in the ribs. "You hear how crazy?"
Rempty nods with a big grin. "She be silly alright, you hungry enough, you eat anything!"
Mogmurch looks thoughtful. She'd meant "you" generically, but it slowly dawns on him that it applies to him just like everyone else.
"You stupid and crazy, Ekkie! Mogmurch prove it! Me still hungry, where be bag?"
With very little hesitation once the bag's placed in front of him, Mogmurch grabs his nose with one hand and begins pulling out slugs with the other, munching away.
The alchemist gags a little on the first slug when it squirms in just the wrong direction to tickle his uvula. But he's careful to bite the head off more quickly on his second try. Once he has the rhythm down it's a quick succession of bite, swallow, spit and on to the next.
With a loud belch he holds the bag to his head and sticks his face into the opening as far as he can. "That be it? Bah! Mogmurch still hungry!"
Then he gives Ekkie a huge, patronizing grin. Just before sticking out his grub-slime-coated tongue and blowing her a messy raspberry.
As he plops back down on the bench and reaches for more food, a happy song occurs to him and he begins quietly singing.
"We be goblins, like to chew,
put your babies in our stew!
You no bother with a bowl,
We be fine just eat it whole!"
"Give it to us, you no linger
or we maybe eat your finger!
Try to take the plate away,
you be next one that we slay!"
Reta nods approvingly at Mogmurch's feat of intestinal fortitude, settling her veil back upon that celestial body called her noggin. Mouthy the little alchemist may be, but it's not for the likes of Ekkie to criticize her team!
"What thinking NOW Ekkie? We chief's big-special great team! We eat and ride and chop and fight and slay and steal and MAKE THINGS DEAD!"
"And eat!" adds Mogmurch as he reaches for another platter.
Chuffee, who'd been hiding all this time, all stealthy and sneaky like comes out of the shadows and helps himself to food at the feast. He'd been hiding in the back of the 'pack' of 3 other heroes in Gutwad's presence earlier, and now been watching the challenges at the night's festivities...
Me could do those things too... me just don't wanna.
When Mogmurch mentions eating again, he fills his second platter with food...
"Me could eats more. Sneaky stuffz makes Chuffee hungry."
"Everything make Mogmurch hungry. Hey, when you gots here, Pus-Face? Me no see you before."
"Me been here. You jus' blind." Chuffee grinz. "Everything must makes you hungry to eat all them bullslugs. You gots strong stomach." Chuffee bites into some mystery meat from his plate and licks his lips, popping a pimple while doing so and licking up the pus as well.
"Mogmurch no be only one with mighty stomach," he says as he watches Chuffee... eat.
Poog is enjoying a plate of crisped beetles when Chuffee appears seemingly out of midair.
He chokes on a mouthful of carapaces, and begins to cough as Mogmunch notes Chuffee's sudden entrance.
"Me knew he was there." He insists as he doubles over, coughing up bits of half chewed chitin.
How in Zargonel's name he do that?
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Mogmurch moves over to Poog and begins pounding him on the back.
Entirely too vigorously.
"Mogmurch save you, Poog! You no choke!"
Poog falls flat on his face as Mogmurch slams his fist against his back, and replaces his mouthful of beetle with a mouthful of dirt.
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"Oh no! Poog be dying! Mogmurch gotsta try harder!" So saying, he begins jumping up and down on the poor prone cleric. "No be choking! Bad food out!"
Reta giggles maniacally as Poog and Mogmurch tumble in the dirt.
Before the would be heroes have a chance to really get vicious at each other Slorb comes hurrying with a dogslicer "Heerez Moggie, Cheif loans you the mighty Gorge of Glutons! It's not for keeps, just to use in yor mission"
Ekkie is fuming with jealousy, she wanted that dogslicer! "I havez two more darez! We willz play a game of Hide or get Clubbed! Who wantz to hide from me and the other goblinz?"
This my chance to prove I belong with goblin heroes!
"Zargonel will fill your eyes with fog so you never find me when I hides."
Eager to show his worth, Poog dashes into the swamp and after some frantic searching, dives headfirst into a hollowed out tree stump.
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Poog's dilemma instantly forgotten, a wide-eyed Mogmurch steps toward the gift-bearer... er, loan-bearer... and, coincidentally, off the cleric's back.
"Ooh, it be so shiny!" He coos as he accepts the dogslicer. "Mogmurch take good care of it big chief," he promises as he swings it experimentally, nearly hitting Poog.
At Ekkie's next comment he turns to Chuffee. "You be much sneaky, you show her! "
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"Mogmurch not be much of a fighter.. should gives Gorge to Reta..."
Chuffee goes off toward teh swamp to hide, but is passed by Poog who RUNZ to the swamp.. He stops and sighs, shakes his head and walks back to the others, lets Poog get finded and clubbed if he wants it that bad.
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Chuffee goes to the swamp and finds a good hidey place, half under mud and water and a fallen log, submerging and using a hollow reed to breathe through whenever anyone gets close.
As the others run and hide, Reta decides to join in the fun, too. Off she goes, cackling as she runs into the trees. "Le's go, Moggy!"
"Mogmurch not be much of a fighter.. should gives Gorge to Reta..."
"No!" protests Mogmurch, clutching the weapon to his chest. "Mighty Chief Gutwad give to Mogmurch to use! Huge-head be best fighter in Licktoad tribe with any sticker, maybe best in all tribes! She no need mighty dogslicer like Mogmurch do."
He hesitates when Reta suggests they all go hide. "But who guard food? We get back, maybe it all be gone!" He looks at the table and sighs, then points around at all the other goblins with the chief's blade. "You leave food for us or me slice you up! You no think me can do it, Mogmurch get Reta to help!"
With that, he tears off after the others, eventually finding two trees growing really close together that he squeezes between.
.
"Huge-head be best fighter in Licktoad tribe with any sticker, maybe best in all tribes! She no need mighty dogslicer like Mogmurch do."
Reta nods approvingly at Mogmurch's complimentary assessment of her battle prowess. The discription of her head seems to make it swell even further with pride, as well.
Chuffy - DC 31
no need to roll
Mogmurch- DC 16
Poog- DC 18
Reeta- DC 21 no need to roll
After a while the goblins lead by Ekkie start shouting that it they have had it with this stupid game. Poog, Mogmurch and Reta decide to give up, but Chuffy stays put until night falls. He is rewarded with the Ring That Lets You Climb Real Good (ring of climbing); like Gorge of Gluttons, this magic ring is on loan from the chieftain’s treasury.
Ekkie is about to explode, frustrated that the heroes are capable for beating her dares and are rewarded for it! "I safed the best for lest! The Rusty Earbiter!" The crowd gawks and falls silent at the audacity of daring the heroes to go through that awful thing...
The infamous Rusty Earbiter is a hollow coil of rusty wires, barrel hoops, bent swords, and thorny branches and vines that's kept behind the
Moot House when not in use. So named for the fact that it's claimed a number of goblin ears in the past you can see 3 partially severed goblin ears tangled in its sharp internal coils, the Rusty Earbiter is both an object of fascination and fear for the Licktoads.
The half-insane tinkerer who invented the thing has long since died (carried off one night by a giant bird of some sort after his first and only test of a prototype bird-attracting hat), but his legacy lives on...
A half-dozen eager goblins roll the 20-foot coil out from behind the Moot House with the typical number of slashed fingers and stabbed legs such a task normally brings. If you agree to do this dare you must climb into one end of the Rusty Earbiter and then wriggle through it, coming out the other side.
There’s no time limit to get this done, but the faster the better! Climbing through the Rusty Earbiter requires a series of three DC 15 Escape Artistchecks as the goblin must writhe through a series of tight squeezes.
Each Escape Artist check takes 1 full round to attempt, and each one must be repeated until a successful check is made before moving on to the next one (or, in the case of the last check, successfully crawling out the far end of the tube).
If you fail more than three checks, the other goblins get bored, throw a few small rocks, and wander off; after that point it doesn’t matter if you get out or not, although if you gets stuck for a few days, someone might help. But probably not.
Each failed Escape Artist check causes 1d4–2 points of damage (a result of less than 1 point of damage indicates no damage is taken) from the Rusty Earbiter's spiky spikes.
Chuffee moves up to try to best the Rusty Earbiter... he climbs in one end and starts going through as quickly as he can.
He takes a small scratch at the start, but then seems to get the hang of things and manages to get through without further damage.
"Go go Chuffeeeeeeeeeee!" Reta cheers, grateful that she was not the one having to wriggle her enormous head through the tangled mess.
Poog is content to, if not have won the game of Hide or Get Clubbed, to at least have not been found and bashed.
He thinks this is proof enough of his suitability for big special secret mission, and sees no reason to follow Chuffee. Besides, he likes his ears where they are.
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"Go! Go! Go!" chants Mogmurch, pumping his fists in the air.
Frequently interrupted by pauses to scarf down more food, of course.
He elbows Poog. "Chuffee much good, huh! He be best hiderer, and no lose ear too! Yay, Chuffee!"
He pauses to look at Reta with a big, food-decorated grin. "Big Chief Gutwad be much smart to pick us. We all bestest of tribe!"
He punctuates his point by blowing a greasy raspberry at Ekkie.