Post a joke while waiting for round 5. Keep it clean.
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Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher?
She couldn't control her pupils.
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What do you call a arrogant fugitive falling from a building?
Condescending.
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A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, ''I'm so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died."
The man was very upset and yelled, ''You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away.''
The brother thought about it and apologized.
"So how's Mom?" asked the man.
"She's on the roof and won't come down."
What do you call a bommer-rang that doesn't come back?
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A stick.
Courtesy of my 9 year old son:
Why wouldn't the pirate go to see the movie?
:-j(enni)
A big seafood fan takes a trip to Boston for the first time. After grabbing a cab, he asks the cabbie, "I'm new here. Where can I go to get scrod?" The cabbie looks at him and says, "I've been asked that many times, but never in the pluperfect subjunctive."
El Skootro
Contributor, RPG Superstar 2008 Top 4
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An old one of mine - an early attempt to create D&D specific humor:
A halfling rogue, an elven wizard and a half-orc barbarian walk into a tavern.
The bar-wench, in the midst of taking an order, takes a moment to look over at the group and shouts: "Hey, we don't serve your kind here!"
Taken aback, the adventuring party stops and considers for a moment.
"Well, she can't be talking about me," pipes the halfling. "There's no way that she could know that I'm a 'rogue', and we halflings are loved by all!"
"Maybe she thinks you're a six-year-old," says the half-orc.
"Well, she certainly wasn't talking about MOI," declares the elf. "We elves are the finest and most admired of all possible species - and the very idea of distaste towards 'wizards' is laughable, at best."
"Maybe she thinks you're a bard," says the half-orc.
"Hm. Well, I think she means YOU, actually."
"No, I'm pretty sure she wasn't talking about me, neither."
"Why's that? Because you could kill everyone in this town?"
"No, because that's my mom."
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Contributor, RPG Superstar 2008 Top 4
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More humor from my pre-PSA archives, and a LONG one:
Everything I know about Economics, I learned from playing Dungeons & Dragons
An essay by Clinton J. Boomer
(with assistance from Helpful_Ninja and the Proto_Zombie)
The Rules of D&D Economics:
1: Everyone has roughly the exact same amount of money and/or property as everyone else of his or her respective "level". Except at first level, obviously, where monks totally get the shaft, which sucks.
But being poor and staying poor are two very different things - if you need more money, you just need a level!
Only about 99.9% of all people, specifically those who lack the initiative to spend every dollar they own on a suit of studded leather & a knife and to abandon their families for the open road on a mad, bloodthirsty whim, ever really STAY poor.
A: If you find that you have too much cash or too much stuff or god-help-you a game-unbalancingly tough Artifact of Nigh-Unlimitless Powerfulish-ness, then something quite unexpected will very soon happen to take it away. If you hold on tight to it, something VERY BAD will happen VERY soon, you will still lose your cool s+!$, possibly some limbs, and you will learn an invaluable lesson about tempting fate.
B: If you have too little cash, you are going to find some very soon. If things get a bit rough and you are looking at an long and unpleasant future of abject poverty, then rest assured that one of your close friends will soon gladly loan you several years’ salary at literally no interest for the foreseeable future, and possibly ad infinitum.
2: Money cannot make more money. Investing in businesses is a fool’s bargain: stores burn down, castles crumble, merchants and/or bandits will constantly steal your s%@&, and you will never, ever make a dime. Ever. It is far wiser to invest in non-depreciable items like swords, hats and magic boots. Likewise, the things that you need to do your job (boats, armor, weapons, rope and horses, for example) do not depreciate at all and may be used forever unless somehow completely destroyed.
3: All currencies of all countries are worth almost exactly the same amount – and all currencies of all countries are evenly divisible into platinum, gold, silver and copper pieces by factors of exactly ten. No other non-magical objects have any real value, including land. The exceptions to this rule are gems, which are randomly & subjectively priced (and therefore effectively useless as trade goods) and ‘art objects’, presumably meaning paintings and such, the value of which are objectively determined, fixed and unchangeable, making them a lot like personal checks.
4: All rich people are extremely, horrifyingly competent in some way: if they are unable to personally kick your ass at the moment, then they most assuredly have any number of servants more than capable of kicking your ass now and at their convenience. If you ever become rich, you will more than likely discover that in the intervening time you have become (a) just INCREDIBLY callous, and (b) incomprehensibly deadly.
5: Giving to charity is similar to throwing your money down an infinite well: you will never, ever make a noticeable difference of any kind simply by giving money to the poor, and all charities (see: churches, bums, kids, your family) will still expect you to pay list price for any service no matter your prior contributions.
6: Spending your money on ale and whores is the best way to keep anyone from taking either your cash or the cool stuff you would otherwise buy with your cash.
7: Killing people and taking their stuff is wrong.
It is also the single most profitable exercise in the entire world. In fact, all rich people ever do is kill other people and take their stuff – with the exception of the super-rich, who have their servants do it for them.
8: On that note, no job in the entire world pays anywhere NEARLY as much as killing people and taking their stuff (or, even better, being PAID to kill people and take their stuff) meaning that farming is FAR less economically tenable than sitting in front of a bar frequented by paid killers, asking for spare change.
9: Anyone and everyone you will ever sell any valuable items to will underpay you for them. Everyone you will ever buy any valuable items from will overcharge you for them.
That’s just how it is. It is annoying, but nothing in the world (short of murder) will ever, ever change that.
As in all other cases, murder fixes everything.
10: Money is just lying around somewhere. Vast amounts of it – more than you could ever, ever make in a lifetime of hard work making shoes or selling butter. It is sitting somewhere close to you – more than likely, in a cave near your house. It is probably guarded. You will need a torch, something sharp, and some friends.
11: Everyone you will ever meet will charge you for every service they will ever do for you, with the exception of your friends, who will never charge you anything. If you are somehow able to become friends with a wizard, a doctor, a lawyer, a priest, a violent sociopath and a pickpocket, you are set for life.
12: There is a vast and infinite surplus of every single thing you do not want, and a desperate shortage of everything you do want – except when EXACTLY the right amount of exactly what you want is readily available swiftly, painlessly, and occasionally without charge, often in an effort to bribe you into not shopping.
13: Mundane store owners of all kinds will always require you to ask VERY specifically for exactly the thing that you want, cannot recommend bargains or products, often do not know what, if anything, they have in stock, often have no idea what their products are or how to use them, and charge obscure (but exact) list prices for all of them. However, all stores have exact change at all times in all denominations.
A: Most storeowners have no name, no facial features, no history, no goals beyond ‘shop-keep well’, no distinguishing personality, and apparently sleep in the back of their store on a huge pile of generic, nameless ‘goods’. If pressed, they will often lie and claim to have ‘forgotten’ their name.
B: The few store owners who DO have even the slightest personality are universally so unutterably annoying that you will yearn for the days when every person in town not cackling with evil or one of your close personal friends was summed up as ‘Mayor”, ‘Chet’ or ‘guy who knows Chet’.
14: Proper Health Care, while incomprehensibly, inhumanly expensive, is also instantaneous, infallible, without side effect and quite beyond painless. Sitting around ‘getting better’ is valuable killing-folk-taking-stuff time uselessly wasted. Only poor people get sick. Hell, only poor people DIE. Watch:
Cure Wounds (Any): Free
Remove Paralysis: 60 gold
Remove (any & all) Disease: 150 gold
Remove Blindness & Deafness: 300 gold
Regenerate (every limb, every organ): 910 gold
Raise Dead: 5,450 gold
True Resurrection: 26,530 gold
Not ever, ever having to say 'goodbye’: Priceless
15: Spending every cent that you own (and borrowing hundreds of thousands of dollars from your friends) in order to purchase a glowing chunk of metal from an old man in the woods is the best investment in your future you will ever make.
16: Money comes and goes like the wind, and having a lot of it will sometimes make getting more of it a problem – if a mysterious voice on the wind asks “Wait – how much do you have on your sheet?” you are about to (if poor) acquire a massive windfall, or (if rich) get gouged horribly/robbed blind the next time you sleep.
17: Money can buy everything, including beer, sex, servants, intelligence, better people skills, hats that shoot magical lasers and immortality. The few things that money cannot buy can be taken violently.
18: No one in the entire world accepts bribes, with the tiny exception of the very small percentage of the population who will actually OPENLY ASK for bribes.
19: Hiring people to work for you is in many ways similar to beating your head against a brick wall – you’ll never get anything accomplished, it sure isn’t fun, but damn does it feel good to stop.
99% of people you will ever meet would not agree to join you on something as simple as a run to the store for bread even for a small fortune in gold. On the other hand, 1% of all the people you will ever meet would eagerly follow you into Hell for no greater compensation than your company, and will inform you of such within seconds of meeting you.
20: The total value of everything in a coin-purse or wallet can be judged at a distance of thirty feet – and lifting a single gold piece off of a pile of gold the size of your house will give you an estimate accurate to within ten bucks of how much the entire thing is worth.
21: No one is above avarice. Think of the best, most selfless person you know: that guy will pull hunks of melted copper off of the corpses of orphans if he thinks it might bring him a single inch closer to buying a new sword.
22: Money spent on non-essentials might as well be thrown off a cliff, and shopping for non-awesome stuff is time wasted. Every pair of pants is identical, every set of boots is interchangeable, and unless the coat deflects fire-blasts, it is useless to you.
23: Poisons & explosives are over-priced, dangerous to their user, way too slow acting, and worst of all, piss-weak. They don’t work on half the monsters you’ll bump into – just on you. Save your money for ale and whores.
24: There are no rich losers, and there are no poor winners.
25: Money cannot buy happiness or respect. It can, however, buy you a flying castle with magical cannons that shoot flaming zombies at your foes, which is a f+*&-load better than either happiness or respect, which are VASTLY over-rated to begin with.
26: Fresh corpses are the only legitimate form of commerce.
There is no such thing as large-scale trade between kingdoms, realms, or gods-help-you, The Planes. Any business plan more elaborate than a farmer walking his cow to market is invariably the evil scheme of power-hungry undead potentates seeking to enslave the realm and poison the land under the flimsy guise of "commerce".
Mass manufacturing only results in irate Lizardmen raiding your keep "For Gaia!" complaining about pollution and your R&D department of ethically-challenged wizards summoning/raising/creating some unspeakable horror of unnatural badness that is 100% immune to all of the cool items you gathered legitimately from the corpses of fallen foes.
27: You want to cast spells, you better be ready to have some stinky pockets. A free and limitless source of bat guano or sulfur has absolutely no value as fertilizer or insecticide. It is, however, a major prerequisite for learning how to alter reality with your mind, because walking into a store and asking for 50 drams of bat poop is just so uncool.
28: On that topic: in addition, if you require, for your profession, bizarre and esoteric objects/substances like pinches of multi-colored sand, hunks of iron pyrite, live fireflies or small wooden replicas of archery targets, no worries - no one will ever charge you for these, and once bought, you will never run out of them.
On the other hand, you will most assuredly soon find yourself spending hundreds of thousands of dollars a week on diamonds, saffron, rubies, bits of silver and pearls the size of your fist with the sole intention of crushing them up into a fine powder and either consuming them (possibly snorting them, we're not sure) or rubbing them all over your naked body.
Your friends are also going to demand that you to spend weeks locked in seclusion, kissing the asses of various spirits and demons in order to get them some discount magical s%#@, which will cost YOU both money and raw life force - often, they will not take 'no' for an answer, and (because you are both tiny as well as smart) they are probably more than able to easily lift you over their heads and shake you until bat guano comes out of your pockets.
29: A critical hit is a fine substitute for a clever retort – and economically speaking, not all abilities are created equal. Por ejemplo:
- With an average Profession (Farmer) check of 30, on your own land, you can earn about 1 and one half silver a day.
- With an average Craft (Weapon) check of 30, in a small town, you can earn in the neighborhood of 6 gold a day.
- With an average Perform (Singing or Instrument) check of 30, in a prosperous city, you can earn 3d6 gold a day.
- With an average Knowledge: (Arcana or History) check of 30, in a metropolis, you can earn 900 gold an hour.
- With an average Sleight of Hand check of 30, in Sigil, you can earn about 1d4 minor magical items a minute.
- With a Base Attack Bonus of +30, anywhere, you can earn the title of King in six seconds or less.
Choose your profession carefully.
30: Caravans are often formed, which often travel to places where adventures can be found. Just pick the one that sounds the most suicidal-dangerous. It’ll do. The pay for being a guard on such a caravan is miniscule; however, creatures that carry on their persons any number of objects whose total value invariably exceeds that of the entire inventory of the caravan will inevitably attack said caravan, and soon.
While it can be logically argued that such creatures would never have accumulated such wealth had they simply paid for the goods and gone on their way, it remains a mystery as to why adventurers don't simply buy the caravan, throw the goods in a ditch, and have the guides lead them to the next plot hook without mucking around with wagons and other goods which limit the deployment of fireballs.
How do you catch a polar bear?
1. Cut a hole in the ice;
2. Place peas around the perimeter of the hole;
3. When the polar bear bends over to take a pea, kick him in the ice-hole!
(Waa-waa-wa-waaaaaa...)
Why do elves have pointy ears?
How many elves does it take to start a campfire?
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
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A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited.
My seven year son's favorite joke:
Why do sharks not eat clowns?
Clowns taste funny.
My favorites:
Why do sharks not eat lawyers?
Professional courtesy
What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
One is bottom-living, scum-sucking scaleless monster and the other is a fish.
RPG Superstar 2010 Top 16
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My very faviorite, no-kidding-it-really-happened moment of D&D humor. I'd been waiting, literally, decades to use it:
Our DM: Atop the treasure, you find a maul, dimmly glowing in the darkness.
My fellow Player: What's a "maul"? Like, a shopping center?
DM: No, no, a maul is a weapon.
Player: But ... what kind of weapon?
Me: You see one large mace, you've seen a maul.
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Contributor, RPG Superstar 2008 Top 4
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My very faviorite, no-kidding-it-really-happened moment of D&D humor. I'd been waiting, literally, decades to use it:
Our DM: Atop the treasure, you find a maul, dimmly glowing in the darkness.
My fellow Player: What's a "maul"? Like, a shopping center?
DM: No, no, a maul is a weapon.
Player: But ... what kind of weapon?
Me: You see one large mace, you've seen a maul.
Mountain Dew came just out my nose. Thank you, sir.
"If you are somehow able to become friends with a wizard, a doctor, a lawyer, a priest, a violent sociopath and a pickpocket, you are set for life."
I've found this works in Real Life, too.
Why don't lobsters share?
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Contributor, RPG Superstar 2008 Top 4
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"If you are somehow able to become friends with a wizard, a doctor, a lawyer, a priest, a violent sociopath and a pickpocket, you are set for life."
I've found this works in Real Life, too.
Well, ALL of the advice in that thing is technically supposed to work for Real life, but I guess that THAT bit of advice is probably the most applicable.
Well, ALL of the advice in that thing is technically supposed to work for Real life, but I guess that THAT bit of advice is probably the most applicable."If you are somehow able to become friends with a wizard, a doctor, a lawyer, a priest, a violent sociopath and a pickpocket, you are set for life."
I've found this works in Real Life, too.
*SNEAK ATTACK*
Why are elves chaotic?
Why did Orkin hire a Dalek?
Because it liked to ex-ter-mi-nate, Ex-ter-mi-nate, EX-TER-MI-NATE!!!
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RPG Superstar 2010 Top 16
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*SNEAK ATTACK*
I'm still stunned that THAT joke is the single most popular thing I've ever written.
That's because it applies to our player characters as well. Say something funny about Hennet, and we'll nod and smile. Say something funny, applicable to every rogue, and we'll steal it.
*SNEAK ATTACK*I'm still stunned that THAT joke is the single most popular thing I've ever written.
*grin*
It was hysterical the first couple times, but it's getting a bit old to me now. I'll continue to put up with it due to my huge crush on the girl who plays Lidda, though.
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Contributor, RPG Superstar 2008 Top 4
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It was hysterical the first couple times, but it's getting a bit old to me now. I'll continue to put up with it due to my huge crush on the girl who plays Lidda, though.
I'm still stunned that THAT joke is the single most popular thing I've ever written.*grin*
I'm just glad that it's weathered almost a year and a half without getting SICKENINGLY over-used.
I mean, "Snootchie-boochties" had a shelf-life about HALF that long.
What was Arnold Schwarzenegger's favorite game to play as a child?
He would pretend he was a great composer. He would say to his friend: "You be Beethoven... I'll be Bach!"
It was hysterical the first couple times, but it's getting a bit old to me now. I'll continue to put up with it due to my huge crush on the girl who plays Lidda, though.
I'm still stunned that THAT joke is the single most popular thing I've ever written.*grin*
I'm just glad that it's weathered almost a year and a half without getting SICKENINGLY over-used.
I mean, "Snootchie-boochties" had a shelf-life about HALF that long.
Just for your edification:
I introduced the PHB PSAs to a couple of the people in my office several weeks ago. It's still not uncommon for one of them to creep up behind someone and shout "sneak attack" or otherwise randomly inject the phrase into a conversation.
None of them play D&D by the way, nor do they have a clue what the phrase means in game terms.
Did you hear about the pirates who went to Alpha Centauri?
They spent four and half years at c.
My very faviorite, no-kidding-it-really-happened moment of D&D humor. I'd been waiting, literally, decades to use it:
That is Sheer Awesome Funny.
Sufficently funny, in fact, my Dad had to come and see what I was killing myself laughing at. Then he killed himself laughing to.
I'm afraid the only joke that springs to my mind is my old terrible standby; with a little D&D flavour. Be warned: it's pretty bad awful...
...
An adventuring party is walking up to a village. They pass a field where soletary cow is grazing. As they pass it lets out a loud moo.
The fighter looks puzzled. The druid notices and asks him what's wrong.
"Well," says the Fighter "nothing really. I just thought cows were completly silent when they were alone."
"What!" The druid replies. "That's nonsense! How on [insert game world here] did you get that idea?"
The Fighter looks at him, the picture of innocense, and says "I was always under the impression individual cows were often seen but never herd..."
*smirk* so you wanna joke eh; hehe *smirk*
so what happened to the cow that tried to jump the barbed wire fence?
Utter Destruction
*smirk*
so; waddaya call a dog with no legs....
it dont matter cause he cant come anyways
*smirk*
you SURE you want more jokes
<efreeti hunched over rubbing his hands together gleefully>
Two flies are sitting on a piece of poop, when one of them lets out a tremendous fart. The other fly turns to him and says, “Hey, do you mind? I’m eating here!”
A pan of muffins is cooking in the oven. One of the muffins wipes his forehead and says, “Boy, it sure is hot in here.” The muffin next to him turns around in surprise and yells, “Holy crap! A talking muffin!”
Three Half-orc barbarians walk into a bar. You’d think one of them would have seen it.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey mac, why the long face?”
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RPG Superstar 2010 Top 16
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Let's pretend we're on the Internet.
Dumb Puns:
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In a democracy, it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your
Count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
7. If you don't pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed.
8. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
9. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat
miner.
10. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum
Blownapart.
13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
14. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
16. A calendar's days are numbered.
17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
19. He had a photographic memory, which was never developed.
Dumb Jokes:
King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites.
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who
you are."
Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid
bowlers. However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately
destroyed in a fire, and we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!"
The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls.
day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and,
A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have nothing to go on."
An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man.
After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
A Norse explorer returned home from a voyage
A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies
with the assistance of a tribal brujo