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I recently got a hold of enough elemental boon sheets to get a Suli Paladin together in PFS. I've got all the mechanics worked out, and I enjoy the build itself, but I am still struggling to put together the most important aspect of the character.
The responses to everyday situations an INT 6 character might have.
My Paladin is based off of a mash-up of Gaston (Beauty & the Beast), Captain Hammer (Dr. Evil's Sing-Along Blog), and Zapp Brannigan (Futurama) (speech patterns most closely based on Captain Hammer). Sure of himself, trying to do good, and woefully inept all at once. I fully expect to need more than a few atonements, and probably even one or two with the full component cost simply because he is too dumb to know better (he tries).
I've been digging through quotes and bits I can find from numerous sources, and I'm hoping the community might come up with some more. Below are the ones I've come up with thus-far, and should give you an idea of what I'm looking for (pop culture references are fine if properly masked). The goal of this guy is to A) make other players laugh/have fun and B) make them regret not speaking up during RP (before most games, I will ask our GM to add bonuses/penalties as he/she sees fit).
- It’s curtains for you vile fiends! *distractedly* Lacy, wafting curtains…
- Look friend, you don’t have to be pretty on the outside, you just need to be pretty on the inside. *flexes convincingly*
- Oh GODS, this is what fear feels like! I NEED SOMEONE MATERNAL! *running away*
- Say Hello to the psychopomps of Pharasma, or whoever does their job, but for EVIL!
- Ewwww…
- *if he sees a book* What?! How do you read this if it doesn’t have any pictures??
- *if he has some time with a book* Ohhh, this is word paper! If only there was a way to understand its strange markings, we might be able to unlock its secrets…
- Jump on my glaive while you can, evil… I won’t be as gentle!
- This group could do with a swift kick in the morals…
- You are amusing, in a "what the hell is wrong with you" kind of way…
- *after making a knowledge check* Feel my amazing brain. Go on, touch it!
- Evil 'round every corner. Careful not to step in any.
- Fear not! I will inspire you all by charging blindly on!
- May Shelyn grant my glaive her POWER!
- *if empowering with sonic/electricity bonuses* Thunder, thunder, THUNDERGLAIVE HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
- *empowering w/ fire – singing* Fire, to destroy all you’ve done! Fire, to end all you’ve become!
- *if someone notices his bardiche* You like it? It’s a glaive, just like Sheyln has.
- *if called out that it is not a glaive* What? Sure it is! I made sure when I told the weapon smith what I needed to buy with my enormous sacks of gold! *he ignores any further attempts to correct him*
- Taste my glaive of JUSTICE! *attacks with his Bardiche*
- *if given a reason to bring them up* I had these stones implanted into my body. They make me better, and make my skin rock hard. *flexes*
- *if he's had the above conversation and gets into a fight* I’m rock hard and coming for you!
- *if someone actually shows interest* They are great, aren’t they? *starts stripping* I’ve got one here, and it does X, and this one here does Y…
INT 6? Suffice it to say: "your candle isn't so bright as it could be" ... but your glaive-bardiche seems to shine enough to make up for it... :p
I'll have to think on this one... or not. *evil chuckle*
"Thinking hurts me more than my glaive hurts you."
Look up fighting quotes from the Monkey Island video game and any movie where Bruce Campbell is the leading actor. :)
"No one makes me bleed... My own blood."
"It's curtains for you, evil-doer! And for mother's parlor. When will we be in town? I need to run some... Errands?"
"A paladin's hair is never big, nor is it ever flat. He styles it precisely as he means to."
"Nice shoes. Wanna fight?
"Not the hair, damn it!" Need for atonement follows soon after.
"Wait, I'm getting one of those things... a headache with pictures... An Idea!!"
"I have great Motivational skills, everyone always says they have to work a lot harder when I'm around"
You "The Story of my lucky flash. it was my grandfathers, a bolt with his name on it came flying at him but hit the flask. thats why it has this dent here."
other person "it saved his life"
You "No, it ricochet'd up and stabbed his brains out. thats why its lucky, I got it for Free!"
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I am digging a number of these! Thank you! I checked out Monkey Island and while the lines were great, they were all conversational jokes and that would require someone with a bit of quip and fairly conditional setup, I'll keep them in mind, but I don't think they'll come up often. :<
Thank you all for what's come in so far!
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Get Smart would be perfect.
"If only he'd used his power for niceness instead of evil."
After failing to damage somebody - "Listen, fella, I hope I wasn't out of line with that crack about [previous insult]."
"Ah, it's the old [unusual thing that just happened] trick."
If you want to go full out with this, insist that someone cast silence every time the group discusses their plans.
Get Smart would be perfect.
"If only he'd used his power for niceness instead of evil."
After failing to damage somebody - "Listen, fella, I hope I wasn't out of line with that crack about [previous insult]."
"Ah, it's the old [unusual thing that just happened] trick."
If you want to go full out with this, insist that someone cast silence every time the group discusses their plans.
I totally love Get Smart I could see those lines in the movie... and at the table.
Take a look at the Oxford Dictionary of Quotations, and/or Bartlett's Familiar Quotations. There's enormous amounts of fun stuff in these.
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Get Smart would be perfect.
"If only he'd used his power for niceness instead of evil."
After failing to damage somebody - "Listen, fella, I hope I wasn't out of line with that crack about [previous insult]."
"Ah, it's the old [unusual thing that just happened] trick."
If you want to go full out with this, insist that someone cast silence every time the group discusses their plans.
Oh wow! Lots of good ones here. I love the approach of a line that makes sense if you completely ignore a small but vital detail that should be fairly obvious. I'm absolutely going to be working that into things as often as I can (as well as the specific examples provided here!) Keep 'em coming! There is some real gold in here!
Say your enemy has a sword. Work it into the phrase:
"Be careful! A sword is not a toy....unless its a toy sword."
"I'm going to turn you inside out like a sock!!!!"
"Crime doesn't pay....it merely rents your soul!"
"It still counts as evil even if you feel really bad about doing it."
"I find it unethical to keep your dog/squire/grandparents in your bag of holding, even if it is a Type III."
"So....I use the cleric like a salt shaker to get the healing out?"
I totally love Get Smart I could see those lines in the movie... and at the table.
My favorite Get Smart bit is the "would you believe" gag.
Another good source of corny one-liners in the Tick:
"And so may Evil beware and may Good dress warmly and eat plenty of vegetables."
"I'm about to write you a reality check. Or would you prefer the cold hard cash of truth?"
"Don't ever try to swim against the mighty tide of justice."
[after taking falling damage] "Gravity is a harsh mistress."
"I'm taking off the kid gloves, and putting on the very mad gloves."
"Time's a wasting and evil's out there making hand-crafted mischief for the swap meet of villainy."
"Trust me, I know what I'm doing."
"While reading books on your own might build character, practicing/killing monsters, evil things/adventuring with me builds ego!"
"Onwaaards!"
"What's them things again? Ah, never mind, they're EVIL."
Ruyan.
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Jack Burton would approve of this thread:
"Honey, I never ride faster than I can see. Besides that, it's all in the reflex save."
"Give me your best shot. I can take it."
"Sit tight, hold the fort, keep the home fires burning. And if we're not back by dawn...call the president."
"Everybody relax, I'm here."
"What the hell does that mean? [Insert phrase here]. I don't even know what the hell that means?"
"Have I paid my dues? [Look the bad guy right in the eye]. Yes sir, the cheque is in the mail."
"You killed the younglings!!"
"I don't like sand. It's coarse, rough....actually, it's not all that bad."
"I'm a glass cannon of emotion!!!!!!"
"Usually one must go to a Shrine of Lamashtu to meet a woman of your stature."
"We're on a mission from a god."
"That's what I like about elves; I keep getting older, they stay the same age."
"This sword goes to eleven"
"Smite Evil: 60% of the time it works every time."
After someone mentions metaphors going over his head. "Nothing goes over my head. My reflexes are too fast, I would catch it."
When facing off against undead or frost-based females. "I've always feared a woman with cold hands.
-When hitting on an undead or frost-based female, say the above, but add: "Why don't you let me... Warm you up?" *wink wink*
When seeing something he cannot comprehend. "What is this? I don't even... What?"
Charging into battle: "BAAATTLLEEE CRRRYYY!!!!" (this is wonderful if shouted loudly at the table while flailing your arms over your head)
"That's a beast? Looks like nothing more than a pugwampi to me.... Wait, what's a pugwampi again?"
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You could do worse then modify a few of Zapp's lines.
"Listen, all we need to do is kill that (insert boss monster here), and all the dominos should fall like a house of cards. Checkmate."
"Stop exploding! That won't help at all!"
"Ah, yes, I remember defeating that golem. He just kept punching my face until he reached his punch limit and shut down. It was a great victory for justice that day!"
I see you have already raided the Minsc toolbox. Carry on!
I'm right. I'm always right. Even when I'm wrong I'm right.
Eat my JUSTICE!
Villain, I will beat you til candy comes out!
I've always wondered, is a hippopotamus really a hippopotamus, or just a cool opotamus?
I can't let the facts stand in the way of justice!
When I want your opinion I'll smite it out of you!
When someone talks to you in a language you don't understand, Listen, I only speak two languages, Common and Bad Common.
If you get lost traveling, hold map upside down and say, I knew we should have taken a left turn at Magnimar.
Facing an ugly demon opponent, Looks like someone hit you with an ugly-glaive.
Singing, It's just a cut to the left, and then a cleave to the ri-I-I-I-ight!
Killing you is....hard.
I thought about our dilemma and I came up with a solution that I honestly think works out best for one of both of us.
Hello, this is the part where I kill you.
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Hahahahaha! I'm loving these! Particularly because I'm putting some of my precious ranks in Perform: Sing, because reasons and because how could I not. So, here's a list of the ones I feel best represent Galton Ranner.
- If you want to go full out with this, insist that someone cast silence every time the group discusses their plans.
- Ignorant? Ha! I don't know the meaning of the word!
- "Wait, I'm getting one of those things... a headache with pictures... An Idea!!" (this and the next one are spot on)
- "I have great Motivational skills, everyone always says they have to work a lot harder when I'm around"
- "Ah, it's the old [unusual thing that just happened] trick."
- "I'm going to turn you inside out like a sock!!!!" (this is just innocent sounding enough to be something he'd say, and horrible enough to get a great reaction from other players.)
- *If my team reacts in shock to the above comment* "What? You need to air out the evil!"
- "So....I use the cleric like a salt shaker to get the healing out?" (including attempting to shake the cleric over wounded allies)
- "Everybody relax, I'm here."
- "Smite Evil: 60% of the time it works every time."
- "Listen, all we need to do is kill that (insert boss monster here), and all the dominos should fall like a house of cards. Checkmate."
- "Ah, yes, I remember defeating that golem. He just kept punching my face until he reached his punch limit and shut down. It was a great victory for justice that day!"
- If on fire: 'Oh, god! I'm burning! That's much worse than other things burning!'.... If the fire is not put out: 'Oh, god! Why does it keep chasing me!' (I like this one, but I have 7/fire natural resistance!!)
- Rock breaks scissors. But paper covers rock, and scissors cut paper! Kif, we have a conundrum. Search them for paper... and bring me a rock.
- I see you have already raided the Minsc toolbox. Carry on! (had I an animal companion....)
- *Singing* "It's just a cut to the left, and then a cleave to the ri-I-I-I-ight!"
- (modified from a submission) Hello, this is the part where I smite you... Smote? Smeet? Hey, does anyone know the the proper term? (waste a round talking it out if I go before the enemies, try to ask them about it)
He's the dumb part of most of the aforementioned characters, with an ego that is more ignorant confidence than Gaston's maliciousness or self righteousness. Nearly died at the sock comment trying not to burst out laughing!
I see you have already raided the Minsc toolbox. Carry on!
Not enough!
Butt kicking for goodness.
Magic is impressive but now Minsc leads. Swords for everyone!
There is safety in numbers. And I'm two or three at least.
I won't cry for the dead! I won't! Well, maybe a little... but I will staunch the tears with righteous fury!
Full Plate and Packing Steel
2 suggestions:
1. Throw in some idioms from The Dude of The Big Lebowski fame.
2. Make terrible punny jokes about "Bardiche" and "Bard itch".
[...]
"This sword goes to eleven"
[...]
This wins the internet !
Ruyan.
2. Make terrible punny jokes about "Bardiche" and "Bard itch".
How could he, he's using a "glaive".