Phloid's Unofficial "Edit My Item" Thread

[Nickolas Floyd]

Well, that's all 27 RPGSS 2015 items that were posted here for me to edit and revise thus far. It only took me about 23 days. And it looks like I finished right at the end of page 2. I hope I didn't miss anyone.

I'll do some more if you still want to post, but they might take me a few days each from here on out. I've got two special requests at the top of page 2 to do and they will go here when I finish them. This was fun, but very time consuming. I learned a lot and I hope I helped some other designers. Overall, I'm impressed with the items this year. I truly think the whole group gets better every year. I'm not sure I will do it again next year, but we'll see. Maybe I'll do it a bit differently.

Thanks to everyone who trusted me with their baby and I hope they liked where I took them.

[Jaragil]

Thanks, man! This has been one of my favourite threads to follow.

[Nickolas Floyd]

James Raine's 2013 Entry wrote:

First Light

Aura strong evocation; CL 15th
Slot neck; Price 45,000 gp; Weight —
Description
An effervescent, illuminating liquid of condensed, ancient light fills a small vial attached to a leather cord meant to be worn around the neck.
Wearing first light increases the ambient light around the wearer, empowers light magics, and reflexively defends the wearer.

First light sheds light like a torch.

Ambient light (magical or otherwise, and including the light created by a first light) within 60' of the wearer is increased one step (from normal to bright, from dim to normal, etc.) to a maximum of bright light. Creatures that are harmed by sunlight are accordingly harmed by bright light amplified by first light.

Any spell with the Light descriptor cast within 60' of the wearer is cast at +1 caster level. Any spell with the Darkness descriptor cast within 60' of the wearer is cast at -1 caster level.

The wearer may, as an immediate action after being attacked (whether successfully or unsuccessfully), attempt to blind the attacker by willing the vial of first light to surge in brightness. The attacker must make a DC 22 Reflex save or be dazzled for one minute. If the attacker fails the Reflex save, they must make a DC 22 Fortitude save or be blinded for 1d3 rounds. A successful save in either case negates the effect. This ability can only be used once every 1d4 rounds as the item must recharge between uses. During this recharge time, a vial of first light loses all its other properties (including shedding light).
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, daylight, sunburst, access to the Light domain; Cost 22,500 gp

First Light (Phloid Edit)

Amulet of Divine Radiance
Aura moderate evocation; CL 11th
Slot neck; Price 39,000 gp; Weight —
Description
Hung on a chain round the neck, this hefty medallion in the shape of a radiant sun is set with a large brightly-lit crystal whose light rays are nearly indistinguishable from the silver of the amulet.

An amulet of divine radiance sheds bright light in a 30-foot radius, and increases the light level for an additional 30 feet by one step (from darkness to dim light, for example). The bright light provided by this light, or caused by the light level increase of this light, affects creatures as though it were sunlight.

The amulet of divine radiance empowers light magic and hampers darkness spells within its whole light radius. Spells with the light descriptor are cast at +1 caster level, and spells with the darkness descriptor are cast at -1 caster level.

An immediate action when the wearer is the subject of a melee attack, either before or after the attack roll is made, he may reactively cause the medallion to surge in brightness, forcing the attacker to succeed at a DC 19 Fortitude save or be blinded for 6 rounds. A successful save reduces this effect to dazzled. Each other creature within 50 feet besides the wearer must succeed at a DC 19 Reflex save or be dazzled for the duration. Each daily use of this ability reduces the amulet's light radius by 10 feet (reducing the additional increased light level area by 10 feet as well). When the light is extinguished completely the amulet of divine radiance is unusable until it recharges when the sun rises.

Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, Heighten Spell, blinding ray (ARG), daylight; Cost 19,500 gp

Editor's Notes:

A wondrous item. That's a nice change of pace.

First Impressions. I don't like the name at a glance. It is not very descriptive and I'm not sure what to expect at all. To be honest I voted a lot in RPGSS 2013 and I do remember seeing this one, but I don't recall what I thought about it at the time. Great descriptive sentence, though I'm not sure what details makes a light "ancient" or how I can identify "ancient" light over new light. It is still cool in a metaphorical sense. Reading it over I think it would benefit from having the subject (the vial) moved up in the sentence, and will try to theme it closer to the divine source of the light.

I think the misstep in the second sentence is that it is really more description or a summery in non-game terms as to what the item does. This type of description is fine, but it should come right before the ability it describes and be followed with a statement that uses real game terms to describe the ability. I'll be sure to do this in the edit.

The first and second abilities seem to have some issues for me. "Ambient light" is not a game term, but this item seems to imply that it is or tries to turn it into one. It is a commonly known real world term that people will get and I see what you meant by this, but it is just a little weird. It shines normal light in a 20 foot radius and increases the light level an additional 20 feet, as a torch does. Then it additionally increases the "ambient" light level within 60 feet, including the light of the item itself. Why does it create normal light and then increase this light? It's kind of weird. This increase of light level is essentially what most light sources do from the end of their normal radius out to double their radius, but they use different, defined game terms ("the increased entry indicates an area outside the lit radius in which the light level is increased by one step"). In my edit I will combine these tow abilities into one effect that is more concise.

The third ability could be cleaned up a bit, but I see no problems with it. It effects mostly durations for spells that are not instantaneous attack spells. I kind of want it to effect spells only while in the 60 foot radius and spells moved out of the light will be unaffected, but this would just complicate things and add a bunch of words, so I don't think it is worth it.

The last ability is neat, but I don't like the dual saving throws or the 1d4 round recharge mechanic. The Sunburst spell only requires a Reflex save and I see nor reason for the Fort save. The 1d4 round recharge seems like something I just need to track in combat. My thought is that it would be neat to make this a three times per day effect that lowers the light radius by 20 feet each time it is used. The light radius is something that must be tracked, but is usually easy when in a dungeon and that light is everyone's main light source.

I've been editing this one as I take notes, but I think I will stop here and read the critiques from the 2013 Critique My Item Thread. Theheadkase pointed out that this has a high caster level. I would agree with this. Obviously it is the Sunburst spell that makes this a 15th level effect, but it is not as powerful as that spell, dealing no damage. I also don't like that Sunburst is not a cleric spell, for some reason. Theheadkase also mentioned the two saves, though he liked the recharge mechanic. He also mentioned what happens to darkness spells cast outside the effect and brought into it. This is one more reason to work on that mechanic, but I think I will still skip it for simplicity sake. It was pointed out that the lead was buried here. They were right, but with the changes I made to the last ability, it must remain where it is. Sometimes it is necessary if one ability is continent or expounds on another. A couple critiques mentioned the similarity to the light vial in Lord of the Rings, and some really had a problem with this. I see what they're saying, but I'm was ok with this as long as the mechanics are unique and as far as I know, they are. The liquid light might be the culprit and although it is super cool, I think it should be changed since about half the critiques had a major problem with it. I also had the thought that it is a bit weird that the liquid does not really have a liquid function. It is not quaffed or dripped on anything. Based on these two things, I think I will describe it as something else. This is a hindsight thing and I would have left it if the critiques hadn't had a big problem with it. It's too bad too, cause the description was really cool. This is how I changed it before changing it again:
Ampoule of Divine Radiance"Meant to be worn around the neck, this small vial on a silver chain is filled with an effervescent illuminating liquid made of condensed holy light."

I'm always hesitant to critique template errors in these edits. Maybe you already know what mistakes you made, especially in these old items. Maybe you were just in a hurry when posting in the threads but make sure the BB codes are all there when submitting. In this one it looks like your commas are italicized in the requirements (actually just one). You have some BB codes showing cause there is a missing /. It is likely you know this already.

I finishing up the requirements I noticed that Light is not a domain. It is a subdomain of the Sun Domain. And since it does not grant the Sunburst spell, the requirements have to change. Then I thought why can't this be created by an Oracle with the Heavens mystery? It even grants the Sunburst spell. Then why not a Shaman with the Heavens spirit, or a Warpriest with the Sun blessing? I checked the SRD to see if any other items require access to a certain domain, and I could not find one. I decided to cut this part if I could find spells that limited it somewhat to divine classes, or I'd require the caster to be able to cast divine spells. I found the Blinding Ray spell, and although I don't like using racial spells in magic items, they are not limited to members of that race, and can be used if nothing else fits. It is a cleric, inquisitor, and paladin spell so does restrict wizards somewhat. This significantly lowers the caster level and save DCs, and I wanted to be closer to the same power level as the original so I added the Heighten Spell feat to increase the spell level to 6th, the caster level to 11th, and the DC to 19. It also changed the save to a Fort save, but the original had both. This seems good to me. It also seemed a bit strange that this flash of light only effected the attacker. It seems like anyone who sees the flash may be effected in some way, so I added that those within close range (from Blinding Ray) have a chance at being dazzled. I arbitrarily changed this to a Reflex save as a kind of homage to the dual saves of the original. It makes some sense that the attacker needs a Fort save since he is right there and the others can avert their eyes with a Reflex save. Overall, I think the power level of the item is slightly less than the original so I lowered the cost a little. I'm just eyeballing this.

Anyway, that's it. Overall, I think I like this original better than your entry this year. It just has more mojo and seemed to have more of an original magic item feel. I hope you like the changes I made. Next is your top 32 item. That puts added pressure on me. Good luck next year.

[Jerry Keyes]

Nickolas Floyd wrote:

(Lots of great stuff)

Wow! I don't know where you find the time and energy, but I thought your rewrite was lots of fun. Thank you for taking the effort to do it and for explaining why you did what you did. It was immensely enjoyable.

[Nickolas Floyd]

James Raine's 2012 Top 32 Entry wrote:

Spellbreaker Gauntlets

Aura moderate abjuration; CL 7th
Slot Hands; Price 22,500 gp; Weight 2 lbs.
Description
Spellbreaker gauntlets allow the wearer to break magical barriers and defend their allies.
Three times per day as a standard action, a wielder of spellbreaker gauntlets may attempt to dispel non-instantaneous magical barriers (such as a wall of force, a forcecage, or a resilient sphere, but not a wall of stone) by substituting a Strength check for a caster level check. If the wielder has a bonus to sunder attempts, they may also apply this bonus to their Strength check. If such a barrier has an effect for coming in contact with it or moving through it, he must make a saving throw as if he had interacted with or moved through the barrier.

In addition, when a line, burst, emanation, or cone effect includes a wielder of spellbreaker gauntlets within it, the wielder may spend an immediate action and outstretch an empty hand to alter the effect's shape to protect his allies. He willingly forgoes his normal saving throw (if any) and his spell resistance (if any), taking the effect's full affects, but is treated as a wall or other obstructive object for the purposes of determining the effect's area. Further, he creates a 15' cone originating in his square and directed immediately away from the origin of the triggering effect. Creatures in this area are not affected by the triggering effect.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, bull's strength, dispel magic, lesser globe of invulnerability; Cost 11,250 gp

Spellbreaker Gauntlets (Phloid Edit)

Spellbreaker Gauntlets
Aura moderate abjuration; CL 7th
Slot hands; Price 22,500 gp; Weight 2 lbs.
Description
These gauntlets of tarnished steel have a slight repellent effect when brought near magic, causing visual effects and magical auras to bend away slightly.

Three times per day as an immediate action when a burst, cone, emanation, or line effect includes the wearer in its area, he may outstretch an empty hand to partially block the effect and protect his allies. The wearer must voluntarily forego any saving throws the effect allows, spell resistance he has, and avoidance abilities (such as evasion) and take the full effects. The wearer's space is treated as a solid barrier that blocks line of effect from the effect's origin, wholly stopping a line area, and creating a 15-foot cone directly away from the origin that is wholly unaffected by other areas. If the effect is an emanation, the wearer may maintain this ability as a full-round action for the duration of that emanation.

Alternately, the wearer may spend one of the above daily uses as a standard action in an attempt to dispel a magical barrier or wall with a limited duration (such as blade barrier, resilient sphere, or wall of fire, but not wall of iron or wall of stone). The wearer punches the barrier as an unarmed strike with any applicable bonuses as though it were a sunder attempt. This counts as a targeted dispel magic on the barrier, substituting the unarmed strike roll for the dispel check. The wearer suffers effects of the barrier as though passing through (or coming in contact with), but is allowed saving throws and other protections he would normally be allowed.

Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, bull's strength, dispel magic, lesser globe of invulnerability; Cost 11,250 gp

Editor's Notes:

This is the second top 32 item I've been asked to edit on this thread. The first was an alternate when it was posted, but was moved up in the 2nd round of this year's competition. This one is a classic from 2013. At first glance I see nearly nothing I would change. I might add a more descriptive first sentence. I might change some text here and there, but not much. This is a solid entry. That is at first glance. When I go line by line there may be more that comes out.

Now lets see what the reviews say. Maybe they see something I don't. And I have the advantage of having many eyes look and comment before editing.

The judges had some mixed feelings, but liked it overall. There was wording concerns, but I'll hopefully catch those when I edit. Clark Peterson says that it is OP cause it currently works on dragon breath and other non-spell effects. I'll see if I think this needs a change. Most thought the last ability was the gem, and I would agree with this. I may try and unbury the lead. Sean McGowan thought the last ability should be tied into the daily limits, but the whole item is so situational, I'm not sure this is necessary right now. At least two judges expressed the possibility that this was such an item that you only pull out and put on when it is useful, so that is one thing I might look to limit further. Sean McGowan pointed out that a 7th level Fighter's Strength Check is going to have a significantly smaller bonus than a 7th level Wizard's caster level check to dispel. This might need a tweak. Maybe an attack roll or the spell sunder barbarian rage power (UC) as Jerall Toi suggests. Several posters mentioned specific wording issues.

You yourself said you would use CMB/Sunder vs. the spell's traditional DC, or rob the spell sunder ability, so definitely something in this area. You also suggested the ability to throw and effect back with the gauntlets, but I think this is a mistake that would subtract from the anti-magic theme of the item and make it to much like other items submitted for RPGSS. The beauty of this item is its unique and singular function to thwart spells through physical force.

You also edited your own item, so I might steal changes form it. I'm posting it here for reference:

Jame Raine's Spellbreaker Gauntlets Edit wrote:

Spellbreaker Gauntlets

Aura moderate abjuration; CL 7th
Slot Hands; Price 22,500 gp; Weight 2 lbs.
Description
Spellbreaker gauntlets allow the wearer to break magical barriers and defend their allies.

Three times per day as a standard action, a wielder of spellbreaker gauntlets may attempt to dispel non-instantaneous magical barriers (such as a wall of force, a forcecage, or a resilient sphere, but not a wall of stone) by making a Strength check against a DC equal to the spell's standard DC. If the wielder has a bonus to sunder attempts, they may also apply this bonus to their Strength check. If such a barrier has an effect for coming in contact with it or moving through it, he must make a saving throw as if he had interacted with or moved through the barrier.

In addition, when a line, burst, emanation, or cone spell includes a wielder of spellbreaker gauntlets within it, the wielder may spend an immediate action and outstretch an empty hand to alter the spell's shape to protect his allies. He automatically and willingly fails his normal saving throw (if any) and forgoes his spell resistance (if any), taking the spell's full effects, but is treated as a wall or other obstructive object for the purposes of determining the spell's area. Further, he creates a 15' cone originating from the corner of his space furthest away from and directed immediately away from the spell's origin. Creatures in this area are not affected by the spell.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, bull's strength, dispel magic, lesser globe of invulnerability; Cost 11,250 gp

Going line by line, I see how some things could be cleared up via language. I moved the shielding ability to the front since it seemed to be the primary ability and gave it the 3 times per day lines as it does seem powerful enough to have this limit. I decided to eliminate the ability to use Evasion and Improved Evasion cause it seemed antithetical to be evading an ability that you are deliberately blocking. There are also some issues with this ability that I think was overlooked by the critiques. First, line effects that are blocked by a solid barrier do not continue so it would not continue after the 15-foot cone of protection. It stops the effect entirely. Maybe this is ok, but should have a mention to avoid questions. Second, an emanation effect is like a burst but continues for multiple rounds. So can this ability be maintained for multiple rounds? I think it should, but that takes more words. I made it last until the emanation ends, but takes a full-round action. This still allows a five-foot step to move this effect every round and maybe get everyone out of the effect.

On the list of non-instantaneous barriers that the first ability works on, all three examples share one other thing that might be misconstrued as a requirement for this effect to work on, and that is that they are all force effects. There are other walls that have non-instantaneous durations that I believe you meant for this to work on and at least one example needs mentioning so I cut Wall of Force for Wall of Fire and Forcecage for Blade Barrier. It makes more sense on walls that have a tangible presence, but hopefully with the description and other ability, the anti-magic force field surrounding the gauntlets comes through and makes sense enough. I got to wondering what effects that this does work on. Blade Barrier seems to be a given, but auras like Fire Shield do not qualify. I think this was fairly clear in your version (at least what I envisioned), but I described it as barriers and walls, to make sure enough effects were covered while excluding effects that do not fit this description. I wish "barrier" or "wall" were a spell descriptor, but nothing we can do about that. I looked at the Spell Sunder rage power, but it is more versatile and I didn't want to copy it. I went with an unarmed strike that gains sunder bonuses cause that was the most descriptive for punching the effect that gave it a good boost to the dispel check.

And I alphabetized all the lists.

I wanted this item to not seem like something that was brought out of the bag of holding only when needed so I wanted to add another ability with the 40+ unused words in the original, but filling in the gaps kind of took that away.

One thing I've noticed about your designs is that you use the name of the item in your description text a lot. Once or twice is probably good and above average for published magic items. Of course maybe this is a RPGSS tactic used to ingrain the name in the minds of the voters. If so, that's clever if it truly works. Otherwise I would use more pronouns and single word identifiers more often.

Overall, I love this item. I think it is cool a hell and really appeals to my self-sacrificing nature as a person and a player. I'd love to play a paladin or fighter with this item. "Get behind me!" This is your most superstar item of the three you posted here, but that is pretty obvious with its top 32 finish. The other two items you posted here and your Cloak from last year also had some awesomeness. You have it in you to make items with super mojo. Get one as right as you can and get lucky (gotta have a bit of luck) and you'll have a top 32 finish again soon. Good luck.

[Thomas LeBlanc]

Nickolas Floyd wrote:

Eremite Rod wordery

Thanks for the insights! Maybe you should be an editor...

[Allana Sliwinski]

I've been somewhat caught up in my new job :) Thanks for the edit! I love the addition of the ringing sound and definitely agree with making it a skill rank requirement rather than a class (I wanted to change that as soon as I entered it!)

And yeah, being an alternate is not easy! My map was pants and I freely admit it; no time and less enthusiasm than a proper top 32 who knew their map would be looked at would have had.

[Papasteve08]

Nickolas Floyd wrote:

Perpetual Vortex Staff (Phloid Edit)
Lodestone Staff...

I love this edit - and instantly have designer's envy. Well done!

[Nickolas Floyd]

Thanks, everyone. I had a great time playing with everyones awesome designs. And thanks for having the guts to put your item in the hands of another designer. I had figured that that prospect might hold some people back, and I'm glad I was right or I'd sill have months worth of work to do on this thread.

But it was a blast. Hopefully I'll be too busy with my 2nd round entry next year to do it again, but if I don't make top 32 next year I'll still have fun with the post 32 critique frenzy in one way or another. And I won't be too disappointed, because this was probably just a time consuming and probably more fun.

Thanks,

Nick

[Nickolas Russell]

Heaven's Tether edit:

Nickolas Floyd wrote:

Nickolas Russell wrote:

Heaven's Tether

Aura moderate transmutation; CL 13th
Slot none; Price 71,500 gp; Weight 5 lbs.

Description
The reflection of this silvery staff shows only clouds moving rapidly against gravity. These clouds occasionally escape Heaven's Tether and quickly dissipate. Once per day the wielder can still the reflection, calming the clouds and becoming bound to the sky for 1 min./level. For the duration, stabilizing against the effects of a Levitate spell is automatic and does not require a full round, and spells can be cast while falling. Casting a spell during a skybound fall does not require a concentration check. The staff allows the use of the following spells:

Feather fall (1 charge)
Levitate (1 charge)
Glide (Advanced Player's Guide) (1 charge)
Hostile levitation (Ultimate Combat) (2 charges)
Reverse gravity (4 charges)

Construction
Requirements Craft Staff, Feather Fall, Levitate, Glide, Hostile Levitation, Reverse Gravity; Cost 35,750 gp

Heaven's Tether (Phloid Edit)

Heavens Tether
Aura moderate transmutation; CL 13th
Slot none; Price 61,000 gp; Weight 5 lbs.

Description
The reflection in this mirror-like staff is not of the surrounding environment, but of fast moving clouds pierced by rays of the sun.

The staff allows the use of the following spells:

• Levitate (1 charge)
• Fly (2 charges)
• Overland flight (3 charges)

While under the effects of a levitate spell the wielder can make attacks and stabilize himself automatically as a free action. He can raise and lower himself at twice the normal rate.

Once per day the wielder can cast a spell from the staff as an immediate action, but only while free falling more than 20 feet. Once per day the wielder can also cast two spells from the staff as a single...

First of all, great name. And I don't just mean the item. I've met a bunch of Nicholas's, but I think you are the first I've seen with the same spelling as me. I'm sure there are many, but you know as well as I do that everyone assumes the traditional spelling and has to be corrected. And, we both have two first names. You can't trust a man with two first names. At least that's what I've been told. My maternal grandfather's first name was Russell and my paternal step-grandfather's first name was Floyd (he raised my dad). Funny.
Anyway, the item name. I was dubious at first, but after reading the item, it fits and I like it. This is a pretty straight forward staff with a good but not great theme. The additional abilities are kind of meh and some of the spells are kind of redundant. What I have been doing with items that lack mojo is I take the thing about the item that has the most mojo and expand on that. In this case I think that thing is either the name or the idea of begin tethered to something fairly intangible.

In editing this item I want to expand on the name and relate abilities and spells to the name even more than the original did. I don't know that Hostile Levitation and Reverse Gravity really fit the name. Heaven's Tether makes me think that it helps bind the wielder to the sky and not mess with others. This is somewhat subjective, but because it is Heaven's Tether and not Tether of the Heavens it doesn't seem to fit to be hostile (one a place where souls are saved after death, and the other just the sky or space). I hope that makes sense. My first idea was to make it a staff that could save the wielder or another attuned character from a deadly situation (like falling and casting Feather Fall for instance). The idea was that it tethered the person to their mortal life. I built it and it was kind of cool, but it required four different magic schools and was a little over word count. I decided to scrap it and start over keeping closer to the original theme. I settled on more of a super flying staff and augmented the spells by combining them once per day. The Fly/Overland Flight fly speed seems like a huge boost, but just lowering it by 10 feet makes it only 10 feet faster than combining Fly and Levitate (for a light load character) and I wanted it to be worth it. Perfect maneuverability didn't seem to be enough for combining with Levitate, so it got what it got. Though this makes some awesome flying, it has no real offensive abilities so I decreased the price by 10,000 gp.

This is ok. I'm not crazy about it and I don't really think it is superstar, but the theme was not super exciting. Your original item had a good name and some interesting visuals. The writing was a little confusing in places. Next year let others read your submission and let you know where it gets confusing so you can edit before submitting. There is a spark in this item and I would not be surprised to see your next idea in the top 32. Good luck with RPGSS 2016.

Thanks Nick! A life of misspelling my name haha. Yep. It naturally shortens to Nick, where Nicholas shortens to Nick too, so we win lol.

I was debating putting the offensive spells in for the same reason. Mine was too boring without them though, but it was the wrong solution. I have a lot to learn just about writing too, catching little things like 'The reflection in' vs. 'reflection of'. Great edit altogether, it's very helpful so thank you.

[Doc_Outlands]

Thanks for your rewrite! As I dug into things, I started seeing where I could easily turn the Campaign Staff into an entire array of siege-themed magic items. Very helpful insights. And yes, I'm sure I'll be competing in the next RPGSS.