Shield of Stormwall
Aura Faint Conjuration, Evocation CL 5
Slot Shield Price 10,250 gp; Weight 5 lbs.
Description
This +2 darkwood heavy wooden shield is lacquered with patterns of white and gold whirlstorms; it imposes no armor check penalty and is remarkably lighter than normal shields of that size. Its special properties are revealed whenever its owner fights defensively or uses total defense combat action. When the owner makes a full-round attack while fighting defensively, the shield immediately conjures a wind wall (as per spell) 50 feet long and 25 feet high, with at least one of the wall squares adjacent to the shield’s owner. When the owner chooses the total defense option, the shield conjures a storm wall strewn with lightning bolts, that has all properties of the wind wall described above and also hits any creature passing through it or starting its turn in the effect area for 3d6 electricity damage (Reflex save DC 15 negates). The wall of either type persists as long as the owner continues to fight defensively or keeps total defense, but no more than the total of 5 rounds per day.
Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, wind wall, call lightning; Cost 5,125 gp
Formatting and wording issues, Price/Cost don't match. So when I fight defensively, I get a wind wall, and when I total defense, the wall shoots out lightning too? That's completely badass, but for only 6,000 gp, that would be criminally underpriced except for that hidden final sentence limiting it to 5 rounds per day. Now that's a lot more reasonable! It still is probably too cheap due to the action economy of it, but it's a lot closer. It should definitely have mentioned the duration limitation sooner. Also, there's not much need to reiterate what darkwood does; it seems like an attempt to pad the abilities to make it seem less like wind wall in a can. But in this case, it rose above wind wall in a can by truly feeling like a shield with the way it's activated. I'll go for a Weak Keep here.
Hi there! I'll be one of the judges for this round, and I'll be looking at a couple of key points for your item: flavor, usability, and how the item is presented. For some background, I helped found the Wayfinder fanzine before I started working for Paizo, and I oversee every third-party Pathfinder Roleplaying Game product that makes its way onto Paizo.com.
Flavor
"X of Y" names don't immediately appeal to me, and "whirlstorms" threw me off (maybe the author meant "whirlwind").
Usability
This would be fun to set up on a tanky character, or pass it off to an NPC to just sit and hide behind it defensively.
Presentation
Missing italics, seems underpriced.
Final Thoughts
Two spells in a can, though thematically appropriate and focused to the item. I do not recommend this item for advancement.
Kept.
Modules Overlord
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My approach to judging these items is "How would I approach this as a developer?" If I would be pleased by the turnover and not see any reason to give negative feedback to the writer, that's great! If I'd keep it but it would take a lot of work or I'd want to let the writer know what needed improvement, that's fine but not perfect. If I'd scrap the item because it would be faster to write new material myself, that's bad.
This is too cheap for how good it is, and it's a spell in a can item, but it's a pretty good one. It makes defensive options VERY appealing for the wearer, and I'd be playing with its cost vs utility, but the idea is too good to pass up, and the fact druids can use it makes a wider range of thematic builds possible. It would take some work to get into publishable shape, but I think it's worth that work.
I like the description of the item and think its effects are really cool. Unfortunately I think the limit on rounds is way to late in the description and as written activates automatically until its uses run out. As written it prevents the user from using defensive actions until he actually wants to activate the abilities. It is still a really cool shield though.
Congrats, Maria.
Interesting. I think this is one of the few items I didn't see in voting.
I'm not sure what I think about it activating as you fight defensively. Unlike the mountain armor, I feel like this is even less limiting since that at least meant you could move, while this is letting you fight still (or take total defense and still get some offensive action going).
Still, it's an innovative idea, and that's something worth looking for in a designer. I'm looking forward to seeing what you can do for the rest of the contest. Good luck!
This is one of the items I saw several times, and I know I upvoted it on most if not all of those occasions. Cool shield!
Echoing the many people who read it and went "oh this is ridiculously OP" until we got to that important last phrase that limits its daily usage. It seems such a small detail, but, as reactions show, apparently it really matters WHEN you stick in your major restrictions!
Obviously, that didn't keep you from Top 32, so good job there. :)
I don't know if I have any significant criticism of the item beyond that wording quibble. I think it's solid, though it never really caught my attention during voting as more than that. Can the shield's wielder bend and shape the wind wall the way the spell actually can? The wording sort of makes me imagine it has to be a straight line, but that might just be me.
Overall, well-done, though I feel there might have been a bit more punch to be had somewhere along the way.
Congratulations on making it to the Top 32!
Definitely a cool visual and I too like the fact that the activation mechanism feel very shield-like. And yeah, it's a bit of a SiaC, but in a way that justified through a good theme and visuals.
The reason why I didn't vote for this item more often is that I don't really like the fact that it encourages the player to take the full defense option. That feels... cowardly, I guess. Sure you can only do so for 5 rounds, but in a game like Kingmaker or in any other campaign where the players move around a lot, you can practically do that all the time. Not many combats last more than 10 rounds, especially in the early levels, and if you only have one combat per day or per week, it's a definite possibility that the player decides that all he really needs to do is run close to the enemy and hunker down. And that's just a bit boring.
But in a campaign where there isn't so much traveling or in a longer dungeon this is definitely a fun item to have. I like it and happy to see it in the Top 32. Best of luck!
Congrats! I only made Dedicated, and I didn't see your item during my voting.
Cons Yeah, its technically a spell(s)-in-a-can, the daily limit should come in sooner, and it's too inexpensive as currently priced. But...
Pros It evokes a strong gameplay image. Druids aren't excluded from using it. It makes defensive fighting a stronger combat option without breaking action economy. And gosh dang it, it sounds like it'd be fun!
Being in the Top 32 is something to wear proudly. You did it; good job! So take a deep breath, get the sugar and caffeine on a drip feed, and do your very best on a SupaStah!-worthy map for Round 2. :)
Thanks everybody for reviewing my item!
Can the shield's wielder bend and shape the wind wall the way the spell actually can?
- yes, the effect is shapeable as per spell (otherwise the item description would have needed a specific line saying that in this particular aspect the item does work differently than the effect it is based on).
Congrats Maria!
I didn't see this one very often. It has some decent visuals and mechanics. It probably didn't get my vote much post-cull due to all the formatting mistakes.
Also I didn't get the line "and is remarkably lighter than normal shields of that size". Your weight is 5 lbs, which is exactly how much a heavy wooden darkwood shield should weigh.
Anyhow, best of luck in round 2 and beyond
Hey, Laik, congrats on making top 32!
I like this shield. It's a fun image, and a way of giving some pizzaz to what could otherwise be seen as the somewhat boring concept of defense.
The picky English teacher in me would change "whirlstorms" to " whirlwinds" and "but no more than the total of 5 rounds per day" to "but no more than a total of 5 rounds per day."
Those aren't major criticisms, though. Good job! :)
This is another item that didn't impress me much during voting, but I like better now. At first glance, this is a spell in a can, but on further reflection, an item that makes defensive fighting more useful in a cinematic way is a good one.
Congratulations!
Congratulations, Maria! I really dug your item's visuals and thought the spell effects were nicely in line with the theme. Nice work, looking forward to your map!
I think I saw this shield only a couple of times. I recognize the name but I need to read through it here...
Template issues.
Formatting issues.
Some pretty evocative description. And no ACP!
"Its special properties are revealed" should be cut. Its the dreaded "its true power blah blah blah" trap.
Interesting space to play in. I didn't actually know that you could fight defensively while taking a full attack.
Spell in a can...but it works...barely.
Overall, its somewhat lackluster with a cool cinematic but ultimately a spell in a can. You're going to need to focus on your mechanics of writing and bringing more than a spell (albeit one with a little extra with the lightning bolts) reskinned.
Congratulations on making it into the Top 32! Good work!
This poses an interesting option for going on the defence as opposed to all out assault as so many do. The balancing point was placed at the very end and should have been included up at the front so that the 5 rounds per day was clear. Interesting item and one of my Top 36.
Congrats, Maria! :-)
RPG Superstar 2008 Top 32, 2011 Top 16
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Star Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka JoelF847
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Congrats on making the top 32. I would have voted for this if it had been an option, but I never saw it.
I like this shield a lot. Its smart to play with fighting defensively and total defense, since those options are often underused in the game, so giving them an item to increase their attractiveness is a good thing. While it is a SIAC, it's not just a spell in a can, since a) you can activate it without burning an action, and b) the storm version of it essentially combines wind wall with call lightning, which is a great idea I'm surprised I haven't seen done anywhere before. I also like the tying of extra defensive abilities to the shield, which is exactly the type of special abilities I want to see in a shield.
I agree that the format of the write up could be better, and the duration limit shouldn't be essentially a footnote, as it's important information about the item. As for the price, I'd want to keep it low so it can be useful at as low levels as possible, when archery from groups tends to be more common. But since it is underpriced, I'd instead reduce the enhancement bonus to +1, moving 3000 gp from enhancement to special abilities.
Why am I critiquing every item? Well, frankly, I love this sort of thing. I sincerely enjoy editing and the art of the critique. I have long considered starting a blog to that end, and maybe this will be the kickstart I need. Speaking of which, if you want to hire an editor, I'd be happy to help ;)
Regardless, the point of my criticism is always to help. Nothing is perfect, so everything can potentially be made better. My comments will often be less than flattering, but they will never come from a place of malice. The point here is to make your item better, not to make you feel bad.
So, what am I looking for, here, when I judge these items? My primary focus is on rules knowledge, clarity/simplicity, and usability. You can come up with the most creative item on the planet, but if nobody is going to actually use it in a real game, who cares? And it doesn't matter if nobody uses it because it's obviously too strong, too weak for its price, too confusing/complicated to actually adjudicate at the table, or just too niche to have an actual target audience. What I am generally not looking at is flavor text. Descriptions of your item will only hurt if the item evokes imagery I dislike. I care about theme, of course, but a crow item with blind and pilfering hand in it is thematic enough--I don't need to read about different kinds of dark wood were used and how many crow parts are sticking out of it.
Finally, know that I did not read any critiques of your item yet. These are all my first thoughts based only on the item itself, so, I apologize if I repeat things others have said already.
Now, let's get to the critique!
As always, congratulations on making the top 32. No matter what I thought of your item, you won, and you should feel awesome!
I am sensing a theme--most of my "maybe" items ended up winning, while very, very few of my keepers did. But yes, once again, this was a "maybe" for me. I actualy really liked it, because I always favor defense over offense. Wind wall is cool when you fight defensively, but the lightning in the wind wall is even more awesome when you use total defense (it's just a shame fighting defensively often gives more AC to those who focus on it than Total Defense). It's not just what people call a "SIAC," either, because it creates a totally new effect (windwall + lightning).
The item was pretty cheap, too, with the wind wall/stormwall effect only costing something like 6k. Awesome! It is easy to ignore minor template issues. I am totally sold...
...oh, wait, 5 rounds a day? What?!
Sorry, I hate daily items and this is just not enough time in the day for this effect. It's bad enough when offensive powers only work 3 times. However, at least they tend to directly contribute to the win, meaning you need fewer rounds of combat per day overall. This, though, as a defensive ability, extends the number of combat rounds you'll have in a day, so 5 is just nowhere near enough. I don't know, what if it only worked 3 times per day and lasted for 5 rounds at a time?
Otherwise, as is, if my party found this, we'd sell it. I would have loved to build a defensive character that custom ordered one of these and built themselves around it, but, with just 5 rounds a day, there's no way I could unless I had the cash to cycle through multiple ones per day.
Overall, I would say it's almost great, but as is, I'm not a big fan (still a little fan, though). Good luck in future rounds.
Shield of Stormwall
Aura Faint Conjuration, Evocation CL 5
Slot Shield Price 10,250 gp; Weight 5 lbs.
Description
This +2 darkwood heavy wooden shield is lacquered with patterns of white and gold whirlstorms; it imposes no armor check penalty and is remarkably lighter than normal shields of that size. Its special properties are revealed whenever its owner fights defensively or uses total defense combat action. When the owner makes a full-round attack while fighting defensively, the shield immediately conjures a wind wall (as per spell) 50 feet long and 25 feet high, with at least one of the wall squares adjacent to the shield’s owner. When the owner chooses the total defense option, the shield conjures a storm wall strewn with lightning bolts, that has all properties of the wind wall described above and also hits any creature passing through it or starting its turn in the effect area for 3d6 electricity damage (Reflex save DC 15 negates). The wall of either type persists as long as the owner continues to fight defensively or keeps total defense, but no more than the total of 5 rounds per day.
Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, wind wall, call lightning; Cost 5,125 gp
Is the Item Decorative?
It's a wooden shield. Some effort has been put into making it look decorative with a generous application of lacquer, but it would look better still if the decoration had been carried out with lacquer and with gold leaf. Still, given the budget that the creator was apparently working to, it's not surprising that gold leaf was not used.
Decorative score? 4 out of 7.
Does the Item have Any Obvious non-Decorative Use Around the Home?
No. This is an item that either goes on the wall as a decorative feature, or otherwise sits around in some store-cupboard not serving any obviously useful purpose.
non-Decorative Domestic Use score? 0 out of 7.
Does the Item seem Likely to be Helpful in the Fantasy Setting of an Imaginary World where 'Operation Sealion' is taking Place?
So the (for simplicity's sake) Nasties are lining up with all their little boats to launch an invasion-attempt across a strait upon a nation of perfectly (socially) harmless tea-drinkers. And then there's this item.
So what impact is this item likely to have on proceedings?
None. Shields have become a bit outmoded in the fantasy world in which 'Operation Sealion' takes place, not least because when it comes to close range combat a lot of the weapons that they use ideally require two hands. And off the battlefield, this item isn't really going to serve much purpose.
'Sealion' score? 0 out of 7.
Total: 4 out of 21.
Congratulations for having made it to the Top 32, sorry you didn't move on.
Sorry I'm late to the party, I hadn't realized how big a task commenting on everyone else's items was going to be in the Official Critique Thread!
Seeing as how many other people have commented above me, and you've moved well on from this point... I'm going to keep my comments brief. To understand my rating system, see my larger post on my critique thread.
As an overall comment, each and every one of you that made it to the Top 32 must have had a "Publishable" item in my opinion because you appealed to not only the voters but also the judges -- so if I say "Rewrite" it's more to be "rewriteable to be SUPERSTAR!"
Publishable -- I like that you gave shields some love, and that you made a shield that should be used defensively, because of course you should.
Shield of Stormwall
Congratulations Maria,
This comes too late to help this year, but you made it here and deserve some attention, so my apologies for catching up so late. I never saw this during voting, but it is good enough it would be up-voted often. I like the name, even though I feel like I should recognize it from something else (fiction?). It feels a little too SAK with the wall and the electricity and the defensive fighting abilities, but it tries to separate them by being different actions to activate. The 'whenever' action is used was WAY over the top in my opinion, but the last line clarifies that a little. The writing felt a little repetitive, and that would be the easiest area to improve upon for next year. I expect you will be back, this is definitely a creative item.
Nice job.