2. I dual-wield gnome rogues just to give my enemies a chance!
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3. You fight like a dairy farmer
4. I once knew a circus artist who got stepped on by an elephant. He was less bruised than you'll be when I'm done with you
5. Your skill almost rivals that of the blind and feeble
6. You'll have more luck trying to block the wind, than my strikes, peasant
7. I feel bad for fighting those of less skill than I. But if I were to let that stop me, I'd have to hang up my sword
8. A fitting weapon for one of lesser skill (against enemies wielding a different weapon than you)
9. My martial prowess is known by all across the realms! Who did you say -you- were again?
10. Can't touch this
11. Since this is obviously your first time fighting, how about I give you some tips?
12. Craftmanship only matters between equals. I could carve straight through you with a spoon
13. Hundreds of widows weep in my wake. The only one weeping in yours is your fencing master
14. I am a slayer of monsters. You are not qualified to hold a sword in my pressence
15, A hundred orcs could not stop me. Do you really think that -you- are the one who will write my epitaph?
16. You mean to test your steel against me? Steel is no substitute for skill
17. If I was really trying, you'd already be dead
18. They call me Trollsbane. I'm guessing they call you 'Little girl'
19. Fear not, your screaming will be omitted from the songs they will sing in my honour
20. Your posture reminds me of the time I fought Gorrmak Felltusk, slayer of giants. Of course, his posture was that of an inelegant savage. Unless you also have his strength, this will be a short fight. Who am I kidding, it would be a short fight anyway
21. I warn you. Anger me, and you'll be the first person around these parts to be buried in several buckets, instead of a single casket
-Nearyn
22. Now you've done it! Surrender, and I might let you clean your blood off my sword.
23. Of all the thousands of foes I've vanquished, you think you're the one to end me? Hah! You're welcome to try!
24. I am an artist of death. You are merely some kid with finger paints.
25. Get out of my way. I have real foes to slay today.
EDIT: Changing numbers to thwart ninjas!
30. I've put up with more resistance from training dummies!
31. You cannot flee! I haven't given you permission!
32. The last fight I had this easy was against a commoner named jim. To his credit he smelled better.
33. I'd offer the hand of peace but sadly they'll be occupied strangling the life out of you!
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34. You see that housecat over there? He fights better than you while asleep!
35. Well, the good news is, having your face pounded into something unrecognizable by me will improve your looks.
36. It's obvious you don't know how to fight. Let me give you some basics. First, you don't hold your sword by the pointy end...
37. You look like the sort of person who blocks a punch with their face.
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40. Would you mind terribly just impaling yourself on my weapon? It'd save us both quite a lot of time.
41. Talking to a crying infant would provide a far more intelligent conversation than your mindless dribble.
42. You're going to need a bigger army.
43. *Said in cutesy voice, as if to a child* Ah... Did mommy forget to teach you not to run with pointy objects?
44. (After hitting an enemy with a range weapon) Hold that for me!
45. Wait, wait, wait... did you... did you actually think you even had a chance to defeat me?... huh...
46. If you don't unsheathe your weapon and just give up right now, I won't tell everyone how incredibly easy it was to kill you. Deal?
47. Damn it all! You got blood on my boots! Now I'm going to have to do more than just kill you.
48. I'll tell you what. I'll toss over some parchment and ink. If you're even capable of writing, I'll give you a few minutes to write a few last words to your family before you perish.
49. I was thinking about naming my [Insert mount of choice] in honor of you, but I can't decide between "Butt-Stallion," or "Numbnuts."
50. Your form is an actual insult to the art of swordplay.
51. You'll pull a muscle trying to parry like that...
52. (Decapitation) Ma was right when she said you'd end up a-head.
53. (Non blunt kill) I see you get the point.
54. (as a retort) It will help me hear you better if you take your head out of your ass before you speak.
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In response to number 3: How appropriate, you fight like a cow.
Dot. Some of these gave me a good chuckle.
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59: Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of Elderberries!
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Feels like watching 101 Soul Calibur opening taunts.
60. You? A threat? You couldn't even kill time.
61. I've got some Explosive Runes in my backpack if you just want to take the easy way out!
Not gona lie my mouthy tiefling is stealing some of these.
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62. I'm not going to lie. I did wet myself when I heard you challenged me. And I've vowed to never laugh that hard again.
(in reply to #63)
64. So most of your foes have never let their bowels go.
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67. Damn it, hold on. Let me switch my weapon for a twig or something. I think I'd probably feel bad using a real weapon on the mentally disadvantaged.
68. *Picks up a twig* "See the stick? See the stick?!" *Throws the stick 10ft beside them* "Go get the stick! Go get it!"
68.2 (When the enemy inevitably talks back or refrains from fetching the stick) "Stupid mutt! Bad! Bad (their gender here)!"
69. I think I'm just going to pass you off to our healer and focus on someone that might actually matter.
70. Blazes! You look like an ogre mated with it's own feces and somehow birthed you.
71. What is that horrible smell? Is it your body odor or your so called skill in battle? Both I'd wager.
72. (A bit gross I know :) ) I'm going to flip a coin. Heads, I cut off your head, your allies heads and place them on each others bodies, stitching them together with your own entrails. Then, I'll cut off all of your arms, once again stitching them onto the wrong bodies... backwards. Tails... I get creative. It's not like you could stop me after all.
73. Why you insignificant speck! You have some gall to enter my presence without even kneeling and bowing to me. Your better.
74. I do so hope you like the taste of your own blood and the soil you're standing on. You'll soon be getting a mouthful after all.
75. (After enemy speaks) Oh my! It can talk! How novel. Say. Tell me. What sound does a chicken make?
#75 is when you punch them and, after they make a noise of pain or ask how you dare, reply "That one! That's the noise a chicken makes!" :P
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To elaborate on Kazan
76 : (after hearing the last name of your opponent) ok let's lighten this up a bit, how about a joke, one other than your chances that is, how many (last name and/or organization of opponent) does it take to screw in a torch sconce..... None, because they're all dead! Or at leas will be in 5 minutes
77: you might want to duck because I'm about to turn left and I don't want to have to hit you with my dick
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77:So, did you learn magic in a school, or is this Hideous Laughter I'm fighting just from your "skill"?
78:I'd bet the Drying Paint Convention is more exciting to me then this fight.
79:The last time I felt this threatened from a fight, I was fighting a Rock wielding a twig. And the sad thing was, more people went to the rock's funeral then will go to yours.
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82. So, when I console your mother over your death, anything you want me to convey?
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85 "What did you think? That I was just going to roll over
and die from an attack like that?! Ha... Now it's my turn"
86
87Yeah, well. See, I'm more of a 'in the now' kinda guy. Like... what am I gonna eat now? Who am I gonna kill now? In this regard, you're probably gonna be both.
88I'm of the upper class. A finer breed. The highest grade of warrior! [pause] *sigh* Ok, consider yourself pig slop while I'm filet mignon.
89 I really do love kids. They don't leave much of a mess.
You know these kinda seem rather CE
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92. Well, looks like I'm going to have to go on a killing spree.
Note: There are two number 77s. Correcting this to accurate count (tried to do that in my last post stealthily).
94. You volunteered to satisfy my blade's thirst for blood! How kind of you! I was just thinking I might actually have to break a sweat today.
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96. Groovy.
97. Good, bad, I'm the guy with the sword.
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98.) Take a deep breath. Savor it. It's going to be your last, after all.
99.) Let's make this quick. I have better things I have to do today.
100.) Look at your sword. Now back to me. Now back at your sword. Now back to me. Shouldn't have taken your eyes off of me... dumbass.
101. Yes, yes... You challenge me, you insult me... Look, can we skip to the part where I kill you? This gets repetitive after awhile.
Bonus round!
102. *reads a book, ignoring the ranting enemy, peaking over book when they finish speaking.* "...Meh." *shrugs and waves the bothersome enemy away.*
103. [Longer one...] *Pulls out thesaurus.*"A list of all the names that describe you. No particular order of course. Inept, gross, imbecile, idiot, weak, ignoramus, slob, disgusting, an accident... need I go on? Of course I need. Empty headed, lacking in all usefulness, a tool, fecal-like, badly dressed, irritating, annoying, silly, soon to be deceased... I could go further, but I really have better things to do than read to a child such as yourself."
104. You have been weighed, you have been measured and you have been found wanting.
105. If I had a gold coin for every visual and olfactory thing that offends me about you, well, I could surely afford your mother for at least a years time.
106. Ah, yes, a challenger. Look, you're not like the others, Number 110765, and you won't live any longer than they did either. Just give up now.
107: (Somewhat meta example) Do you have any idea how many nameless henchmen I've killed over the years? Look at you, the DM didn't even give you a name, you've got no chance.
Long live the 1k1 threads!