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I, for one, am always happy to welcome more dues-paying members into the fold.
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If my lobbyists are successful, in the next blog post "murderhobo" shall be restored to its rightful place as a legal selection for the profession skill.
Pay your union dues.
If it's a murder of crows, I'd say it's a murderhobo of goblins.No no, it's a murderhobo of pathfinders Are we going to have a problem? Because I think you better quit, letting that slipOr you'll be leaving with a fat lip. Yours,
Remember - magic items don't kill casters. Murderhobos do. Barbarian Rage active:
What the flumph did you just flumphing say about me, you little munchkin? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my party in the Golarion Union of Murderhoboes for the Betterment of Others, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on the Aspis Consortium, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in dimensional warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire Absalom armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another bit of XP. I will wipe you the flumph out with Precise Shots the likes of which has never been seen before on Golarion, mark my flumphing words of power. You think you can get away with talking that smack to me via Sending? Think again, flumpher. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the Varisian continent and we're casting locate person so you better prepare for the storm, kobold. The storm of vengeance that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re flumphing dead, munchkin. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can scry&fry you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bear hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the Pathfinder Society and Sacred Vault of Abadar and I will use them to their full extent to wipe your miserable build off the face of your character sheet, you little munchkin. If only you could have known what unholy blight your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your flumphing tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you fallen paladin. I will Aqueous Orb all over you and you will drown in it. You’re flumphing dead, munchkin. Sincerely yours, ~Jaspar "Shank Him Louis" Kahrdboordebachs~ your local GUMBO representative
Wow. That item takes murderhoboing to a whole new level. What the heck is that s'posed to mean?
As I am on the Air Plane at this time, my ability to retrieve the full written charter is limited. Do not fret though, I shall drive my horse hard to my home as soon as I reach my plane's land again. Cordially Yours,
In one scenario recently we're going in and the people there are like "The aspis came and warned us the Pathfinders were coming, and that they are going to come kill us all and take our prized treasure." The party was all like "No, Pathfinders are the good guys and the Aspis are liars." And then they proceed to kill all the people on sight, one party member attacked a guy as he was introducing himself. Then they went and stole the sacred treasure after killing the chieftain since he wouldn't give it to us. And I'm like, "Yeah, those Aspis agents didn't lie at all"Totally know which scenario you're talking about. Yeah, that irony wasn't lost on us either. Classic murderhobo. Please do not use our profession's name as a slur, it only further perpetuates stereotypes and stigmatizes our company, clan, and kin. We are not wanton, uncouth, bloodthirsty brutes who kill ruthlessly and loot the bodies. The Golarion Union of Murderhoboes for the Betterment of Others will not sit and idly take this slander. Failure to cease and desist this defamation will likely end with us dragging you through the streets of Galt while strapped to the underside of a horse drawn buggy, robbed of all material wealth as a reparation for the harm done to our noble and virtuous reputation. Yours,
Because a Goblin Skull Bomb is totally an everyday item. Yes. Yes it is.
I'm offended! I'll Kill you! Remember Teddy, if you are going to kill, always get paid upfront. It says so in your contract. Yours,
Murderhobos can only do it in the dark. Let's test that hypothesis, shall we? Yours,
Add not an axe murderer to the list. Being an axe murderer is a big downer for managers.It's a good qualification for being a murder hobo though. It shows commitment, a sharp wit, and a lack of fear of getting your hands dirty: all are admirable qualities. Please bring a picture-ID for your interview. Yours,
Don't you feel sorry for any commoner in a tavern with the average pompous, violent clowns in any given "adventuring" group?Sal's used to be a nice quiet tavern until the murderhobos showed up. Dear Mr. Hanna, Please be mindful of your insinuations, you wouldn't want to be caught slandering the illustrious reputation of the Golarion Union of Murderhoboes for the Betterment of Others. I think an apology might be owed here, or should I introduce you to my dear friend, Louis? Sincerely yours,
A whetstone is the technical term for the counterpart of the peaceful protest sign: the violent protest brick. It is one of the favored weapons of members of the Golarion Union of Murderhoboes for the Betterment of Others. Sincerely yours,
181. Elections are next week.
Good day Mr. Thunderlips, We could use a member with your set of skills and Tundernotter. Here is my card, I look forward to hearing from you soon. Sincerely yours,
"Is somebody looking to hire some protection?"
Dear Ilina & Tim, The Golarion Union of Murderhoboes for the Betterment of Society would gladly illuminate the innumerable reasons and benefits of partaking in our time-honored profession. For the sake of time though, we will respond just to your enumerated list. 1. Your observational trend, while possibly true for those whom you have encountered, is likely a result of sheer unfortunate chance and a small sample size compared to the much greater total population of murderhoboes. Additionally, you will need to control for possible biases in your sampling methods and adopt procedures that will aid in ensuring that you collect a truly representative sample of us. I am sure that, should you undertake the task of refining your data, you will be pleasantly surprised at how many of us have some or all of our parents and/or guardians alive still. 2. I again contend that this is the result of an unrepresentative sampling procedure. The Union has always made it a priority to foster camaraderie among its constituents. Personal Example. 3. How did you quantify the "tragedy" of someone's past? Every life is full of happy moments and sad moments. It is which one focuses on that determines their views of their collective past. Analyzing them second or third hand is inherently subjective. I'm not a psychologist, so I don't know what the distribution of optimists and pessimists are. I'd imagine though that it would have a positive correlation with the geopolitical and economic standard of living for them and their families. It is possible that you may be interviewing folks from a blighted land. In which case, please relay the epicenter of your interviewing efforts to me and I will ensure that complementary humanitarian aid is sent as soon as possible. 4. Wouldn't a starving hamlet be unable to afford a annual crop yield percentage or "free food for life"? I'd imagine that an obscure magical item or even a small sum of silver. In any case, the specific incident you have referenced was determined to be a clerical error and has long since been resolved to that hamlet's satisfaction. 5. I get the feeling that you encounter a disproportionate number of barbarians and bloodragers in your region. Sincerely yours,
If a debtor thinks he don't need to pay his dues to the Golarion Union of Murderhoboes for the Betterment of Others just because he's become my best friend in the world, then it would truly pain me to show him what happened to the last fella who held that esteemed position, Jimmy "not Jimbo" Hoffa. Sincerely,
When I play Monopoly, I'm always sure to play the banker and I always collect my money when you land on Park Avenue, by any and all means necessary.
Murderhoboes, stand and unite! The Golarion Union of Murderhoboes for the Betterment of Others is pleased to have your public support, Mr. Beard. Thank you.
Here is the Golarion Union of Murderhoboes for the Betterment of Others, GUMBO's, official response to your question. No further comment. Sincerely,
Murderers who know they're only kept around to make sure the squints can do their jobs, and do that job well, should have a place. We, the Golarion Union of Murderhoboes for the Betterment of Others, (referred to hereafter as GUMBO), have been a united society for centuries in our efforts to contribute to society by doing the dirty work that keeps so-called civilized world in good working order. It is with the utmost importance that any and all offensive usage of the phrase "murderhobo" be ceased immediately. This includes, but is not limited to, any and all comparisons (be they true, real, implied, or imaginary) of murderhoboes to murderers, sociopaths, degenerates, poor people, "roll-players", "serious gamers", criminals, munchkins, adventurers, Pathfinders, trolls, people who hate cats, people without towels, Paizo staff, Walmart executives, the Mob, puppies, the NSA, the FBI, the FDA, the EPA, the Queen of England, satirists, Anonymous, you the reader, and anything or anyone else. Further violations of this citation or further attacks on the upstanding moral character of the GUMBO membership shall be met with legal action, vagrancy, and a killing spree unlike any the world hath seen. Thank you for your timely cooperation. With the utmost respect and appreciation,
P.S.: Applications are now being accepted to join the GUMBO, please send all applications and union entry dues to me. Please include any and all details you feel are relevant, think that we may find relevant, or fear us finding out about in the future. We'll learn of it inevitably, so being forthright with us is much appreciated. Be creative with your choice in entry dues as this is your first opportunity to make a good impression and it would be a real shame for something unseemly to happen to you after leaving a decidedly poor payment. Have a great day!
How does one become a lawful murderhobo? The "Union of Chaos" is merely the nickname given to our filing system due to an incident involving a goblin lore oracle and a cleric with the madness domain. Both have been made to sincerely regret the error. In regards to VM mercenario's membership, he is presently a candidate under consideration. I am told that, due to your unusual (while not unprecedented) choice of payment, it is being examined by our forgery specialists and resident diviners to verify its authenticity. Do tell, what did you donate in place of gold that caused all this fuss? Sincerely yours,
What would a murderhobo who hunts murderhobos be called? Dead. Sincerely yours,~Jaspar "Shank Him Louis" Kahrdboordebachs~ your local GUMBO representative
Dear Director James Jacobs, What are your thoughts on unions?
Sincerely yours,
The Golarion Union of Murderhoboes for the Betterment of Others supports the initiative taken by the elfin kin and allies in Iceland against this tyrannical display of disregard for their civil liberties. Stay strong friends, stay strong. Sincerely yours,
You are not alone! Just pay your dues and join the Golarion Union of Murderhoboes for the Betterment of Others!
If there is a union for it, then it can be a profession. Whether people choose to respect said profession is another issue entirely. In any case, we can be quite persuasive in collecting the respect that is owed to us murderhoboes. Please make our job a lot easier in the first place by respecting our profession from the get-go, rather than forcing Louis to make you pay respect. Hopefully, we have come to an understanding, right? Sincerely yours,
The Golarion Union of Murderhoboes for the Betterment of Others, GUMBO, condemns the policy of discriminatory distribution of scenarios that is espoused by this proposal. GUMBO believes and practices equal opportunity policies for all, regardless of location or any other traits, feats, skills, races, classes, levels, and so forth. We stand strong with the 99%, the OCCUPY ABSALOM movements, the Golarion Civil Liberties Union, and every other group that would likely be outraged by this elitist measure's implementation. We are already dealing with a growing disparity of wealth due to the 1%'s flagrant disregard for the WBL chart. Let us not exacerbate this problem! Let us remember to always play it SAFE!
What is your position in regards to the formation of unions?
Comrade Anklebiter!
P.S. The wife, Myrtle "of the Black Lotus", sends her greetings and has asked that you and the folks come by to enjoy dinner some time. She makes the best gumbo you done gone ever tasted. Any Murderhobo is welcome in our home.
Mr. Beard,
Dear Mr. Mercenario, If you had paid your union dues, you would have had health coverage for that. Hopefully, You've learned your lesson and you won't need it taught to you again. Have a nice day. Sincerely yours,
My counter to that question you quoted would be "Oh, you mean like a person who kills indiscriminately and without reason, without regard to guilt or innocence, without regard to collateral damage or injury, all for the sake of coin?" Please do not make such offensive assertions against murderhoboes, it is highly uncalled for. As a representative for the Golarion Union of Murderhoboes for the Betterment of Others, I must take a stand and condemn your aggressive anti-murderhobo rhetoric. Especially since we are very discriminate in whom we kill. Our reason is to support our families. One of our member's children is afflicted with an unusual strain of mummyrot (long story) and requires intensive medical care 24/7. The rising costs of healthcare in today's lagging economy cripple us all financially. The ultra-rich Decemvirate, Pathfinder Society, and all the nations of Golarion fail to provide adequately for the less fortunate and the downtrodden. We no longer have the time or liberty to consider guilt and innocence since it is our lives and our families at stake should we fail to earn our daily bread. In any case, our consciences weigh heavily on our hearts for some of our actions. Many of the venerable GUMBO members suffer night terrors and panic attacks due to the haunting memories they have. It is for this reason that we try to restrict collateral damage as much as possible with regard to those we know are unrelated to our mission. The only time that property damage in excess of the necessary is okay is when it helps to restore equality or provide restitution for the disparity between the economic classes. Do not insult and decry us! Do not deprive and deny us!
This message was paid for by the generous contributions of hundreds of murderhoboes. This message contains an excerpt from a speech by GUMBO Administrator of Civil and Violent Reform, (Mr. Donnier Krokodil Hewletzt), and was transcribed by Absalom's GUMBO Representative Jaspar "Shank Him Louis" Kahrdboordebachs.
We, the Golarion Union of Murderhoboes for the Betterment of Others, are open for suggestions on a union motto.
Currently: "Putting the 'fun' in 'offunsive' since Cayden became a god!" On an unrelated note, in an attempt to improve our societal reputation, we have decided to donate 1000 platinum pieces to the "Society for the Crusade Against Monstrosities Meddling in Everyone's Domiciles". This charity has told us that they help small island micro-nations in the Inner Sea Region defend against the ever encroaching menace of the ocean tides of evil. We are confident that this money will be used for a worthy and noble cause. ~Jaspar "Shank Him Louis" Kahrdboordebachs~
EDIT: P.S.
Bah! No unions for me. I'm going to be a ROGUE Murderhobo. That is an acceptable endeavor and well within your prerogative. We wish you the best in your endeavors on the free market and will keep our doors open to you should you eventually change your mind. EDIT^2: P.P.S.
We shall do so. The Shadow Lodge was a great ally of ours, we will do anything in our power to aid them in these dark times.
I could see a group of Chaotic Neutrals posting out a shingle with the flippant company name of "Murderhobos, Inc." in a more light-hearted game. :P Murderhoboes, Inc. is long-time business associate with the Golarion Union of Murderhoboes for the Betterment of Others, GUMBO. As such, we refer a large number of our job-seeking members to them when there are openings. So, your reaction to finding out something is incredibly controversial and offensive to some, is to become even more interested in doing it just to watch them react? Yeah, I'm gonna call that out as being a jerk to the people at the table. There is a significant difference between expressing a curiosity of seeing the reactions to the name of a profession versus portraying said noble profession in the horribly stereotyped and slanderous fashion that many of the dissenters in this discussion seem to have formulated. The GUMBO members and I are in agreement that others ought to withhold judging a person until they have gotten an honest look at their personality and behavior in public and private settings. Let us all please be tolerant of one another during this discussion.
It is my duty as a GUMBO representative to defend the reputations, names, and livelihoods of our members. Resorting to ad homonym attacks on our character as opposed to respectful, objective discourse is a surer symptom of jerky conduct. That being said, while we respect you and your opinion, and no matter how much we disagree with it, we must stand and speak up to denounce any and all attacks real, implied, or imaginary. Murderhoboes have families to feed too, let's not deny them the right to their paychecks. Think of the children! From this point forward, all my characters will have max ranks in Profession: Murderhobo. Please submit your union application(s) as soon as possible, registration for the coming year's union vote closes in 96 hours. It would be unfortunate if you were ineligible to vote on the ballot measures pertaining to pensions, stock holdings, and the next assistant secretary of hooliganism and customer service. Sincerely yours, ~Jaspar "Shank Him Louis" Kahrdboordebachs~
Dear Mrs. Moonwhisper, We, the Golarion Union of Murderhoboes for the Betterment of Others, GUMBO, appreciate you inquiring with us in such a civil, respectful, calm, and rational manner. Hopefully we can answer your queries effectively below. 1. First off, those happen to be the minority of the things we do. Most of our day-to-day lives are spent in a wide variety of professions ranging from soldier to baker, from scribe to sailor, from herald to strumpet. We do it all. Many of us also clean streets, and windows, and spittoons as well as panhandle, do street performances, and engage in predatory lending. Secondly, Wealth and power are far from our primary motivation, usually it is entertainment. Besides, most people we kill fought back rather effectively. The only times that they get slaughtered like sheep is when they are up against one of our members doing this drug called "pahwurr gaimeng". Nasty side effects though, a complete and utter lack of personality in most cases, as well as delusions of grandeur and antisocial behavior with a tendency towards aggression. 2. We keep the lands of Golarion safe from the great evil overlords from beyond the veil of the Material Plane while also caring for our spouse and any children and kittens in our households. For more information, please visit your local union chapter and attend one of their open house meetings. There you will encounter a welcoming group of murderhoboes from your local community who will be sure to help you to see things our way by any means necessary. 3. That incident was the result of an ongoing custody dispute between the estranged parents, due to a series of public disturbances involving a wand of beguiling gift, cherry marmalade, and a hornet's nest. The town guard placed the children in protective services with us while the litigation was sorted out. 4. Rin did well and was quite happy for several years in the jobs we helped place her in. However, the recent recession has put all of us on harder times. We will be sure to keep her in our prayers. 5. We will not comment on this issue beyond stating that GUMBO is supportive of all lifestyles and decries any and all attempts to devalue those lifestyles. We take these sorts of issues with the utmost levels of seriousness and wish it to be known that they are not representative of the murderhobo union as a whole. We have cooperated with the higher authorities on this matter and can say that the individuals responsible have been forcibly excommunicated from the union and have also received suitable punishments for their heinous crimes. It is our sincere hope that the perpetrators' untimely accidental deaths after their hearings, as well as restitution in the form of all of their gear and loot, can make it up to Nera for all of his property and emotional damages suffered. Thank you for your time, courtesy, and civility.
P.S. OOC: In the future, I would like to avoid topics that touch on hate crimes like those discussed in your fifth paragraph. It is a sensitive subject for many people, including myself, and would like to see it handled in a tactful manner and discussed as something of the utmost seriousness. While it may make for a dramatic anecdote, it is not one that is appropriate for this context.
Maybe a murderhobo ate your baby! The union kindly requests that you recant and apologize for this slander. We all know that murderhoboes, adventurer or otherwise, are a goodly people who do not deign to eat babies. We just kill, abduct, sell, or conscript them. Cannibalism is immoral and wrong and as such is solely the purview of the evil and insane, not murderhoboes. Please apologize in a timely fashion, it would be quite unfortunate if something untimely were to happen to you in a secluded gutter of the city streets... Sincerely yours,
P.S. Banditry is only banditry when you don't get a cut of the loot, otherwise it is like collecting taxes or borrowing property indefinitely-- perfectly legal.
Real men use soapboxes; Those have a higher acrobatics DC. Real murderhoboes use whatever they can get their hands on. Be it a shield, soapbox, cobblestone, peaceful protest sign, violent protest brick, shank, shiv, tomato, other peoples' lost teeth, or their complementary union sap; the members of the Golarion Union of Murderhoboes for the Betterment of Others, (GUMBO), will make their voices of peace heard by brute force! GUMBO members are not the problem, it is society's biased and undeserved perception of us as vagrants, murderers, and the murderers of vagrants that causes us to be denied our civil right for the pursuit of happiness. Some of us are happy planting flowers and helping the poor. Other murderhoboes just want to be allowed to live their peaceful, merry lives in the upper-class districts of Oppara, the capital of Taldor. Just because the majority of us happen to get our kicks from "street cleaning" and the "redistribution of wealth" does not mean we are any less entitled to our rights. To attach a negative connotation to the great and noble name of the second oldest profession is outright discrimination. And we will not stand for it, or sit for it, or lie down for it, or beg or even roll over for it. We may sleep with dogs on cold winter nights to keep warm, but it is unjust to treat us as dogs. Please do not drag our humble title of "Murderhobo" through the muck and grime. Sincerely yours,
Dear ladies and gentlemen of the discourse, Please cease and desist in the slander, libel, and defamation of those who identify with the murderhobo lifestyle and profession. We, the Golarion Union of Murderhoboes for the Betterment of Others, (referred to hereafter as GUMBO), have been a united society for centuries in our efforts to contribute to society by doing the dirty work that keeps so-called civilized world in good working order. It is with the utmost importance that any and all offensive usage of the phrase "murderhobo" be ceased immediately. This includes, but is not limited to, any and all comparisons of murderhoboes to murderers, sociopaths, degenerates, poor people, "roll-players", "serious gamers", criminals, munchkins, adventurers, Pathfinders, trolls, people who hate cats, people without towels, Paizo staff, Walmart executives, the Mob, puppies, the NSA, the FBI, the FDA, the EPA, the Queen of England, satirists, Anonymous, you the reader, and anything or anyone else. Further violations of this citation or further attacks on the upstanding moral character of the GUMBO membership shall be met with legal action, vagrancy, and a killing spree unlike any the world hath seen. Thank you for your timely cooperation. With the utmost respect and appreciation,
Dear ladies and gentlemen of the discourse, Please cease and desist in the slander, libel, and defamation of those who identify with the murderhobo lifestyle and profession. We, the Golarion Union of Murderhoboes for the Betterment of Others, (referred to hereafter as GUMBO), have been a united society for centuries in our efforts to contribute to society by doing the dirty work that keeps so-called civilized world in good working order. It is with the utmost importance that any and all offensive usage of the phrase "murderhobo" be ceased immediately. This includes, but is not limited to, any and all comparisons of murderhoboes to murderers, sociopaths, degenerates, poor people, "roll-players", "serious gamers", criminals, munchkins, adventurers, Pathfinders, trolls, people who hate cats, people without towels, Paizo staff, Walmart executives, the Mob, puppies, the NSA, the FBI, the FDA, the EPA, the Queen of England, satirists, Anonymous, you the reader, and anything or anyone else. Further violations of this citation or further attacks on the upstanding moral character of the GUMBO membership shall be met with legal action, vagrancy, and a killing spree unlike any the world hath seen. Thank you for your timely cooperation. With the utmost respect and appreciation,
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