RPG Superstar 2014 Top 16
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Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8
aka Jrcmarine
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Good Afternoon esteemed peers! I've been reluctant to post my item and ask for critiquing, but I am curious about what others may have thought.
I think I know one glaring error I made that stands out, besides the fact that I let this become an 11th hour submission (what can I say, wasn't even going to enter this year, and then inspiration struck). :)
All right, without further ado:
Price 40,000 gp; Weight 2 lbs.
Description
This iridescent mantle, crafted from the shell of a giant scarab, is inscribed with offensive and defensive runes.
A trox carapace provides its wearer with various abilities, which are conveyed upon donning the mantle. The wearer is considered to be the next larger size for the purposes of determining the effectiveness of several combat maneuvers such as grappled or tripped, or special attacks like swallow whole. The wearer is considered the most beneficial size to determine the effectiveness of the attack. Once per day, as a standard action, he may command the carapace to conjure additional arms of force to grab and constrict or just grapple an opponent, leaving his arms free to cast spells, attack with weapons, or use spell completion or spell-trigger items. The wearer is not considered grappled when utilizing the carapace in this manner. These arms of force remain in effect for 10 minutes, and must be used in one minute increments. They inflict 1d6+10 points of damage per round while constricting, and the wearer is considered to have a Strength score of 31 for the purpose of calculating his CMB and CMD.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, grasping hand; Cost 20,000 gp
And upon re-reading my item I can think of one or two additional errors or missteps (but would still like some feedback if any of you are of a mind).
Regards,
Dean
I actually don't have a problem with the abilities of this item. I think they are kind of neat. The wording was very clunky and with 50-60 words left on the table you could have spent at least one more sentence giving a more cinematic visual. I would have used words like protective instead of defensive. IE:"This iridescent mantle, crafted from the shell of a giant scarab, is inscribed with sigils of battle as well as protective runes." The next two sentences explaining the mechanic of the size increase also were a bit clunky. Don't write that an item conveys various abilities, start describing them from the start. I also would have switched the order of the abilities listed. As many judges and voters indicated in their critiques, don't bury your lead power. If this thing gives you extra arms that let you grapple without ill-effects AND they do extra damage, that should be the lead! The fact that they increase your size one category is cool but not nearly as cool as the other ability.
All in all though I like this item. I think it is pretty cool and with a little bit of tweaking both mechanics and flavor it is a homerun.
Trox Carapace
I've been doing these on request, but I have also been doing them for late comers, so here it is. An in depth critique.
Off hand, some people, including myself are not going to know what a "Trox" is. Of course for this review I'm going to look it up, but I can't guarantee that I would do that during voting and that might influence my vote. It is my opinion that names should be simple enough that no words should need to be looked up, either in a dictionary (online) or in the SRD.
Now, after checking it out I'm even more dubious about using the Trox. I assumed that a Trox was an obscure monster, probably in one of the latter Bestiaries. And now I see that it's first appearance (outside of adventures or something not in the SRD) was in the Race Guide, but it also appeared in the Bestiary 4. I don't have either of these books, so I can't see if there are any illustrations of them. The descriptions of the Trox and the stats (no natural armor), does not really imply that they have a "carapace," but in real life, a trox is a type of beetle so I'm going to assume that the Trox race is insectoid. Or maybe you were just referencing the beetle? I doubt it because of the multiple arm thing, but it is hard for me to know unfortunately, and that I guess that is to my point. If voters are unfamiliar with something, it might influence their vote. I guess, my biggest question here, is why not use a more well known creature, that also has a carapace? What about an Ankheg Carapace, or a Remorhaz Carapace, or any number of giant insects? I get that you were going with the multiple arm thing, so maybe you could have gone with Girallon, or Marilith, or something else. You get the best of both worlds from a Xill, but not the large size. Since the item doesn't have any true protective qualities that an exoskeleton might provide, I think I would have gone with the Girallon, though there might be others that are a possibility.
So just donning this item reveals what it does? I guess that is fine, but I would recommend leaving this up to the GM. I've had GMs that require characters to experiment and play with their new items, or to research them before they function when needed. This is not really the default in the average game, but I see no reason this item should automatically tell the wearer what it does by putting it on.
This first ability is interesting, though perhaps a bit vague. Instead of saying "several combat maneuvers" and listing two, and saying "special attacks" and listing one, you should have either given a complete list of attacks this works on or define it better. You could have said something like "The wearer is considered one creature size larger against attacks or combat maneuvers where being larger would benefit the wearer." Right now I'm not sure what it covers exactly, and this adapted line cements it to all of them where size is a factor, which I think was your intent. Also the last line in this ability is a bit problematic. You say earlier that you could be one size larger, but this line says you could be "the most beneficial size" and doesn't put the same stipulation on it. And it says "to determine the effectiveness of the attack." It sounds like I have to be the size that makes the attack most effective (i.e. for the attacker), and that is not what you intend. Try "The wearer may choose to be considered his own size or one size larger." The player is not going to choose the less beneficial option so you might as well save some words and make it clearer. I'm also not sure what this ability really has to do with Trox? They are large, true, but so are many other creatures. It just seems like a really loose link. You might have helped this with a description that describes it as very bulky, or that it expands when the target of one of these attacks. I just don't see the "why" behind this ability. You might also consider putting Enlarge Person in the spell requirements to represent this ability, even though it doesn't actually change the wearer's size.
The second ability seems better tied to the Trox as they have extra arms. I would recommend putting a line break between the two abilities just to make them easier to read. It is really helpful to limit eye fatigue and in searching through a block of text during voting to get the meat of the item or a refresher the third time I've seen it. I also agree with James that this should be your lead ability.
This ability is not really clearly stated either. Does this grant me an extra attack as long as it's a grapple combat maneuver? Or do I have to grapple normally first but then can have the hands take over to grapple or constrict? You use the word "grab" and the word "constrict" which are both universal monster abilities. I'm sure you meant that for "constrict," but "grab" does not seem appropriate unless the arms were making some sort of attack which would then "grab." I can assume you meant "grab" simply as a verb, and not as a game term, but then I'm still not sure how these arms begin a grapple. They can just start making grapple maneuvers as an additional standard action each round, or they have their own actions each round? Does this provoke an attack of opportunity like a normal grapple check? I just don't know how this works based on the text.
One of the biggest problems with this ability and what I figured was your "glaring error" when I first read your post, is the number of times per day thing. It says it is "once per day" but then says that the arms "remain in effect for 10 minutes, and must be used in one minute increments." The last part of this sentence is really weird as it seems to combine a regular duration with a total daily duration that you can start and stop until it is all used up for the day. I'm not sure what you intended here, but as written, if you ended the effect after 1 minute, you could not get the other 9 minutes out of it. It is only usable once a day. Maybe this is just more clunky wording that doesn't do what you might have intended. Or did you just want the effect to be dismissable only when whole minutes are up. That's weird too and seems unlikely what you intended.
I think this ability is very powerful. Anytime something lets you do something that is normally a standard action, AND lets you take another standard action of your choice, that is a break of the action economy principle. That is generally frowned upon when designing for the game, and you must be very careful with this. Other than the 31 Str, it does not say how to calculate the CMB and CMD of the arms, so I assume you use the wear's BAB and Dex modifier, and replace the wears Str score with the 31 Str. This likely gives a good boost to the user's grapple check. Maybe you should have just assigned the magic arms a CMD and a CMB instead of having it open ended like this and with such a big Strength score.
Finally I have to address the fact that what this ability does is to give the owner monster abilities. This can boarder on Wondrous Item advice #21. As SKR points out, it isn't like giving a class ability or feat, but that doesn't mean it is innovative. Extra arms and the constrict ability are not something I wouldn't necessarily have though of myself if I were looking through the monster abilities for something to turn into a magic item. It is kind of a shopping list of abilities for items as well as monsters. In this case, the item's first ability is more innovative and unique. And this is not to say that you didn't use abilities that worked together and are cool for a magic item. With a little work I could see this becoming a printable magic item that one might see in a published magic item book. In my opinion, it just isn't so innovative or awe inspiring as to be superstar.
And I know that you entered the contest at the last minute and probably didn't put as much time into your item as some of us obsessives do. Many of the missteps may be due to that. It is really not bad considering, and like I said, with a little more work it could be a solid magic item that could be seen in a book of items. I'm sure if you put a little more time and thought into your entry for next year, you could really come up with something great. I hope you do enter next year and I hope this critique helps. Watch your clarity and completeness in writing and good luck in RPGSS 2015.
And due to a request:
Spellsnaring Gauntlets
Spoiler:Aura moderate evocation; CL 7th
Slot hands; Price 18,000 gp; Weight 2 lbs.
Description
These long, thick protective gloves are armored along the back with scales from all colors of dragons, chromatic and metallic alike. The wearer of the gloves may catch rays and ranged touch attacks from spells or spell like abilities with the [fire], [cold], [acid], [electricity] or [sonic] descriptors as the feat Snatch Arrows.
Once the gloves have caught a spell, the wearer may throw the captured energy as a ranged touch attack with a range of 60 feet which deals 1d6 damage per level of the spell caught of the type of energy corresponding to the descriptor of the spell.
Alternatively, the wearer may instead wield the energy as a mêlée touch attack which deals 1d6 damage of the type of energy corresponding to the descriptor of the caught spell +1 for every level of the spell caught. This attack gains a bonus to the attack roll equal to the level of the spell caught and if the attack is made in the round after the gloves catch a spell the attack also has a critical threat range of 19-20/x2. The energy persists for one round per level of the spell caught or until the wearer uses the stored energy to make an attack.
The gloves may be used to catch up to 10 levels of spells per day. A 0-level spell counts as one half of a spell level for this purpose.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, draconic reservoir; Cost 9,000 gpName is first. I don’t love nor hate the name. It is adequate and brings to mind fairly accurately what the item does. It is however a little bit “meh.” Yeah, it works, and maybe it’s feels bland to me because I expect what the item does and I’ve seen this kind of thing before.
So the first ability references the Snatch Arrows feat to snatch a ray or ranged touch spell with an energy descriptor. You could have just use “ranged touch attacks” as all “ray” spells and abilities use a ranged touch attack. This is quite powerful, as it counters automatically. I decided to search the spells your gauntlets work against. Here is what I got:
Spoiler:Ray of Frost- 0-Level Wizard/Sorcerer/Magus
Acid Arrow- 2nd Level Wizard/Sorcerer/Magus
Scorching Ray- 2nd Level Wizard/Sorcerer/Magus
Contagious Flame- 6th Level Wizard/Sorcerer
Firebrand- 7th Level Wizard/Sorcerer
Polar Ray- 8th Level Wizard/Sorcerer
This is all I could find in the SRD (though I may have missed a couple). That’s only six spells, and none of them use electricity or sonic damage without metamagic or ability augmentation. Spell-like abilities that use some of these lower level spells are fairly common with monsters (scorching ray, especially).At first I thought that sorcerer bloodline abilities and the like that deal elemental damage with touch attacks are not subject to the gauntlet’s protection ability. This is because I believed that spell-like abilities that do not duplicate an actual spell, do not have a “spell level.” I thought maybe I was missing something so I posted a question to the rules forums and one of our fellow competitors informed me that these abilities do have a “spell level,” and pointed me to it in the SRD . I checked the corresponding section in my Core Rule Book and those lines are not there. It must have been added after my book was printed. Oh well.
That said, I’m fairly sure these abilities do not have a “descriptor.” Only spells have descriptors and by relation spell-like abilities that mimic those spells. I posted this question to the forums too and no one could point me to a ruling that said otherwise. It’s a rules definition thing and though I could see most GMs ruling that spell-like abilities that deal energy damage “do” have that energy’s descriptor, as the hard rules go, they don't. So this ability does not work with them.
So by using “descriptors” you have limited it to only six spells in the SRD and SP abilities that use these spells. If that was an intentional limitation, it is not a good one. In this instance by “not very good” I don’t mean that it does not limit it enough, but that it just isn't a good way to limit an ability. Think about it as though you just listed the six spells that it works on in the body of the item. Certainly you have left it open for spells being added to this list, but it just feels wrong to limit an ability by not having many spells it works against.
Oh, and you don’t need the brackets around the descriptors. That is done in the spell stats but not in the body text of items, spells, and abilities. See the Energy Conversion feat as an example. Of course maybe “descriptors” is not what you wanted.
Assuming that it was intended it to protect against all spell-like abilities that deal energy damage, I would have written it as protecting against spells and spell-like abilities that deal “energy damage” of the appropriate types and left "descriptors" out of it. For characters this adds:
Spoiler:Lightning Arc- Cleric Air Domain ability
Acid Dart- Cleric Earth Domain ability
Fire Bold- Cleric Fire Domain ability
Icicle- Cleric Water Domain ability
Acid Ray- Sorcerer Aberrant Bloodline ability
Acid Dart- Wizard Conjuration Specialist ability
Fire of Belief- Inquisitor Fervor Inquisition power in Complete Arcane
Electric Ray- Sorcerer Djinni Bloodline ability in Complete Arcane
Fire Ray- Sorcerer Efreeti Bloodline ability in Complete Arcane
Frost Ray- Sorcerer Marid Bloodline ability in Complete Arcane
Acid Ray- Sorcerer Shaitan Bloodline ability in Complete Arcane
Elemental Spit- Sorcerer Linnorm Bloodline ability in Complete Arcane
Deliver Touch Spells- Witch Gravewalker Archetype ability allowing her to cast Chill Touch as a ranged touch attack.
Firehand- Sulis Alternate racial trait in Complete Race Guide
And surely there are a good number of unique monster SP abilities that deal energy damage, but these don’t have “descriptors” either.
Now this is a fair amount of abilities, but still maybe not as many as one might have thought were out there. Ignoring the “descriptors” thing and assuming this ability works on all these abilities, I still have to say that it is a bit broken.It makes the character immune to the first energy ranged touch effect each round until 10 spell levels have been caught. And he gets to throw each back in return. Nearly everything in the game should require a roll (attack or save) and usually cost an action. Snatch Arrows is a small exception to this rule, but it requires three feats and a Dex of 15+, and is generally a smaller effect than this. It only prevents an arrow’s damage each round and is also a special thing that mostly monks do. Granted, Snatch Arrows is unlimited daily, but I still think your ability is a bit powerful, assuming it works on more than the six spells.
I think it was pointed out by someone else that your second paragraph is clunky. You definitely need to break this up and maybe restructure a bit.
The melee touch attack ability is a good addition and my guess is that you wanted to stress a major difference between the two types of attacks. You gave the melee attack a bonus to hit, and an increase in threat range in round one, but made it deal less damage on average. I think it is much less likely to be used because of that and the range limitation. I think the attack bonus and the increased threat range does not make up for this at all and seems kind of odd. I’d just cut the fat and make the attack the same for both melee and ranged. I’d then roll the two attack options into one. Just say that the attack can be a ranged or melee touch attack. If you have to make them different, the ranged attack should be less powerful, not more, as ranged attacks have less threat of personal harm. There are probably other ways to differentiate the two attacks if you feel you have to, but I feel you should have made sure the melee attack did better damage. I might have preferred that the rules and damage for the touch and ranged attacks were reversed. I’d much rather deal 6d6 damage as a ranged touch attack than 1d6+6 as a melee touch attack, even if I get a +6 to hit and a 5% more chance to crit. It’s a touch attack, after all, and that gives me a pretty good chance to hit already. Oh, and you shouldn’t accent a word that is not accented already in when it appears in the rules.
With the last sentence of this paragraph, I’m suddenly unsure whether you intended part of this paragraph to apply to both types of attacks. Either you intended the spell energy to remain until used in either attack type, or it only remains for one round per spell level only if the character intends to use the melee attack that this paragraph describes. There is a problem here. If you meant this time limitation it to apply to either attack, it should be separated into another paragraph. Since it is attached to the melee attack paragraph, it looks like it only applies to that attack. And if you intended for this limitation to only apply to that attack, well that’s just weird. Why can I hold the charge indefinitely if I make a ranged attack but it dissipates in X rounds if I want to make a melee attack?
The last paragraph is about limitations so maybe the time limitation should have been here if you intended it to apply to either the ranged or melee attack. That being the case, I still feel like the limitation about how many spell levels the gauntlets can absorb in a day belongs in the paragraph that talks about them absorbing spells. And the last sentence says that a 0-level spell counts as half a level toward this limitation. I’d cut this. For one, according to the abilities, 0-level spells won’t deal any damage if used to attack after one was absorbed. I doubt a 7th level PC will take enough Rays of Frost to make it worth it for him to absorb them and get nothing from it.
I think Draconic Reservoir is the perfect spell to explain these effects.
That’s it. That’s all I’ve got. I definitely think there are some missteps here, but what they are has to do with your intent and what you might edit this to look like. As it is, it is very limited, but perhaps not in the right way and there is some confusion in the writing. As others have pointed out, the design space is nothing new. There is some good thinking in this idea, if you were unaware that similar abilities have been done in the past. That shows a potential to come up with something unique in future years of RPGSS. The fact that you are engaged in these boards will help to know what people have done and seen before. Good luck with next year’s submission. I’m sure we'll see something awesome from you next year.
That's a really good point about the descriptors. I did intend for it to work on SLA's which are not explicitly based on spells so that is a great criticism for me to think about. I also had a higher count of spells that it would operate on, things like snowball, fiery shurikens, hellfire ray and vengeful comets as well as heatstroke which admittedly is a weird corner case.
I figure that even so the ability is pretty circumscribed, especially when, if you think about scorching ray, probably the most common effect that these might be used on, you are probably going to get hit with the second, third or fourth ray even if you catch the first. And since it works on spell levels, at higher levels the uses per day will be depleted very quickly. I have come to think that it is undercosted as it stands now.
As for the second paragraph, it was surprisingly hard to fit all the mechanics in there in a way that flowed even moderately well. I played around with it a few different ways and the way it would up was really the least bad of any of the things I tried.
Lots to think about though. This last year I spent most of my writing time on monsters and adventures and it is obvious that my item design got a little rusty even in that short amount of time.
First let me thank everyone who critiques my item. So originally this s was Pantaloons of Panache but we couldn't use panache mechanics so I changed it to grit. The first description was only 12 words long and I changed it at the last minute fearing it was too boring, I hope the poorly written description didn't hurt me too much.
Pantaloons of Grit
I saw these a few times while voting and occasionally they did get my vote. I liked the concept behind them but felt the execution was lacking something. I like that you played with the grit rules, but the explanation of how they work is a bit clunky. I like that you invasion the Pantaloons in a verity of styles, but I think your description and item would have been stronger had you committed to the style. Creative DM's will port your pantaloons idea to kilts, or chausses if it fits their campaign, if you can focus your description on one main idea it think it will make your item stronger. You did a good job of making your item not fall into the Spell in A Can or Swiss Army Knife traps, however I think for this item to be Superstar it needed something more "WOW." It makes a good module or book of magic items item, and I could see my players wanting them, but not getting super excited about wanting to find them either.
Thanks for sharing your item with us Aaron, better luck next year.
Protean Horn
I saw your item several times while voting, honestly I do not recall giving it the up vote. I see the nugget of a cool idea here, but in reading the item it just wasn't clear to me what you were going for. I felt like I would need to have three books open you use this at the table, and that translated to more work and turned off the DM in me.
As player I like the idea of being able to create immobile regions on the battle field and I could see players wanting to have this. I am not sure I like the polymorph object and it starts to feel Swiss Army Knife to me because of it.
I think the cool factor of the item is with the first power, but I feel that you need to be clearer in the description and rely less on referring the reader to other spells. Because of the way you wrote it up, if looks like a Spell in a Can, but i don't think it really is because those spells will aid the user in dealing with the effect...again clarity would have helped you out here.
The last paragraph wanders into the backstory auto reject territory and isn't necessary for the description or operation of the horn
With some work I think there is a cool idea here, it just didn't get fully realized. Thanks for sharing it with us moon glum and I hope this helps you for next year.
I also had a higher count of spells that it would operate on, things like snowball, fiery shurikens, hellfire ray and vengeful comets as well as heatstroke which admittedly is a weird corner case.
Yeah, I figured that I had missed some spells, but I just used the regular SRD and searched for "ranged touch" in the spell list index. Only Fiery Shurken was overlooked there because its brief description doesn't mention ranged touch attacks. I probably would have found these others had I used d20PFSRD or the Archives of Nethys, but when I write game rules for a wide audience (like RPGSS) I try to stick to the hardcover books and the official Pathfinder SRD. That's just a "me thing. I figure I can't expect players to know of these spells of have these smaller books on hand when they evaluate my item (or bother to search outside of Paizo.com).
More spells and abilities in the list does make your item better, but in this case i think it is too powerful and unfair. A monk spending three feats to automatically catch daggers and throw them back is ok. Spells are are a whole other deal, IMO. I hope my critique helps, and good luck with your entry for next year.
Archimedean Lever
I saw this item several times, I am sorry to say I did not vote for it. It is very clearly written and has a nice idea behind it, however I didn't think it had the pizzaz a superstar item needs. Its function is nice, but for me this was a good for a book of magic items type of item. It is useful just not WOW. One minor issue I have is the need of skill ranks for the item creation, for me the limit the ability of players to create items and don't typically add to the flavor of the item, I would suggest dropping that in you designs unless it has a purpose that helps the item.
Thanks for sharing this with us quibblemuch, you present and explain your item well and I bet with the right idea you will be in the top 32 soon. Good luck.
I've already learned a lot through the whole contest process, voting, taking in all the wisdom of the forums and seeing who actually did come out on top. Thank you everyone for the participation and excitement. It really turned this contest into an event for the public in addition to the winners.
That said, if anyone would like to comment, I would appreciate the specific advice.
(Some of my initial thoughts are I'm not sure I got the cost quite right, given its not the traditional slot for this type of item (although I thought it was thematic) and it certainly was fairly less mojo than a swath of the items I saw in the voting)
Headband of the Hirsute
I saw this item several times during the vote and I did vote for it more often than not. I think you have some mojo of an idea but I think the execution is where it is lacking. I liked the idea of an item that covered you with wild man hair, but ultimately it is just a buffed up amulet of natural armor, I would have liked to see this do something more unique. One thing that may have hurt you is the name. While an accurate word for lots of hair, it is also commonly used to describe a category of not so appropriate adult film material. While that may not have bothered some it was a little off putting for me.
Thanks for sharing your item with us PaperNinja, good luck next year.
Trox CarapaceI've been doing these on request, but I have also been doing them for late comers, so here it is. An in depth critique.
Off hand, some people, including myself are not going to know what a "Trox" is. Of course for this review I'm going to look it up, but I can't guarantee that I would do that during voting and that might influence my vote. It is my opinion that names should be simple enough that no words should need to be looked up, either in a dictionary (online) or in the SRD.
Now, after checking it out I'm even more dubious about using the Trox. I assumed that a Trox was an obscure monster, probably in one of the latter Bestiaries. And now I see that it's first appearance (outside of adventures or something not in the SRD) was in the Race Guide, but it also appeared in the Bestiary 4. I don't have either of these books, so I can't see if there are any illustrations of them. The descriptions of the Trox and the stats (no natural armor), does not really imply that they have a "carapace," but in real life, a trox is a type of beetle so I'm going to assume that the Trox race is insectoid. Or maybe you were just referencing the beetle? I doubt it because of the multiple arm thing, but it is hard for me to know unfortunately, and that I guess that is to my point. If voters are unfamiliar with something, it might influence their vote. I guess, my biggest question here, is why not use a more well known creature, that also has a carapace? What about an Ankheg Carapace, or a Remorhaz Carapace, or any number of giant insects? I get that you were going with the multiple arm thing, so maybe you could have gone with Girallon, or Marilith, or something else. You get the best of both worlds from a Xill, but not the large size. Since the item doesn't have any true protective qualities that an exoskeleton might provide, I think I would have gone with the Girallon, though there might be others that are a possibility.
So just donning this item reveals what it...
Nikolas,
Thanks, I know (in many respects) I didn't do myself a lot of favors by making an "11th hour" entry (I've entered other years, and spent much more time on my previous entries) and this year I just didn't plan on entering at all (for various reasons). And then I was struck with inspiration and the rest (as they say) is history. Thanks everyone for the insights (and Feros I hope I didn't come off as rude, as that wasn't my intent), and as it turns out, I think I have a fairly good idea for next year, and do indeed plan on giving it a go for RPG Superstar 2015!
Cheers!
Dean
I'm caught up, if you posted an item before this post you should have a critique here if not let me know and I'll correct the situation.
I'm caught up, if you posted an item before this post you should have a critique here if not let me know and I'll correct the situation.
@GMSolspiral ... I just wanted to personally thank you for the critique of my Trox Carapace. You are (of course)100% correct, the language was FAR too clunky (that's what I get for making this a "last minute" entry). But, I am glad there was some things you liked about it.
Thanks again,
Dean
I felt like this item was too close to boots of levetation, combined with boots that just had... I woudl also say the bit about Attack of oportunities being taken on the stilts probably doesn't concern acrobatics checks, unless one of the rules is meant to be that you cannot make a tumble acrobatics check to avoid AoOs.
Boots, Tower
Thank you for the feedback MrCab. I think I buried my lead here. The (implied) point was that you can still make an acrobatics check to avoid AoOs by walking over/through the combat. If you failed your check than the AoO could only be taken against the stilts.
Third Page Critiques:
Boots, Tower
Thank you for the feedback Feros! Trying to enter a low-priced item worked against me here. Your (and others) comments made me realize I need to shoot for bigger mojo.
I just realized that there was one critique of my item that I did not reciprocate. Here you go.
Baldric of Revealing Mists
First things first, this seems like a good name. Mists that reveal things does seem like a bit of an oxymoron, but if the name fits the mechanics, and the mechanics make sense, it might just work. A baldric is an interesting choice, so I will be looking to see if that fits as well.
Low price, low powered, chest item with conjuration and divination effects is what I'm expecting. Everything looks good here except that your two magic auras should be in alphabetical order.
Your description sentence is both good and bad. I'm not exactly sure what these "links shaped like swirling wisps of mist" look like or how they link with each other based on the description. But after thinking for a moment I think I can picture them, and they look cool. I do think that a good description allows the reader's imagination to fill in the blanks some, but this might be a little too much. As a reader, I had to stop and think about it and you want to avoid that.
Your first ability has a good premise for a low level magic item and has an interesting visual, but I don't think it is executed well mechanically. The writing is a bit confusing and could benefit from some reorganization. It doesn't say what action it takes to active this ability, so it defaults to a standard action, which is fine, but I prefer to state the action type so there is no question. It is a little weird that mists, which usually provide concealment, instead reveals concealed creatures. It is also weird that these mists are not affected by wind, and the item doesn't really give an explanation why. Because of this, I think it would have been better served to refer to them as something else and probably change the mist theme. To what, I'm not sure, but mist seems odd. Since darkness is one of the most common forms of concealment, I think it was a mistake not to address how this effect reveals creatures in the darkness. Right now, the mists can't be seen by a human in the dark. And if concealment is provided by the leaves of a bush or by a Fog Cloud spell, how exactly do these wisps of mist reveal the creature through these visual obstacles? I just don't get it. Maybe you intended it to only work on invisible creatures. This might make the See Invisibility spell in the requirements more relevant, though make the item even more niche. Finally, this ability is very similar to the Faerie Fire spell in function, but at least Faerie Fire glows to make a creature easier to see in darkness. And your effect even lasts the same amount of time as a 4th level Faerie Fire spell. You probably should have embraced this connection and should have definitely borrowed some wording from that spell.
The second ability seemed redundant at first and it took me a minute to realize that this ability removes the mists from the wearer and reveals the concealed creature even if it were to move more than 20 feet from the wearer (or is already outside that radius). A little rough on the wording I think. I could see this being handy if the creature is trying to flee or stay outside the radius, but I still think it is kind of redundant. Also, this doesn't say what action it takes and because "pointing to any 5-foot space" doesn't seem like it might require a whole standard action, I think this one should have the action type stated even more than the first ability. There is no range limitation on this ability, but it fails if the user looses line of sight to the concealed creature. First, you should have used "line of sight" since it is a well known game term that means what you are saying here with " a position that blocks the wearer’s vision." Second, I don't really get the reason why. The wearer couldn't see the target before using this effect, but it is somehow is dependent on being seen now for the effect to remain on it? Line of sight wasn't required before, but now it is for some reason? How does the mist or the baldric know or care what the wearer can see? Maybe if it were an eyes slot item of something, but this just seems like a weird limitation for this effect. I suggest a range limitation instead.
This third ability is the strongest of the abilities in my opinion and this is something that Faerie Fire cannot do. It can be used to protect or hide the entire party and also reveals all concealed creatures within. I like it, but having it the last ability means you "buried your lead." That is sometimes hard not to do. Here your third ability relies on the first ability to function, but I see no reason that this couldn't have been the second ability. Again, it doesn't mention the action, but at least this one doesn't mention a simple gesture as its activation method like the second ability. Lastly, this ability also doesn't mention light, and there is no reason to believe it will help in darkness.
The creation requirements seem fine for what you are going for and the spells here are alphabetized. If I have to make a critique here I would question the See Invisibility requirement and making this a Divination item. I'm not sure you need it as Faerie Fire is only an Evocation spell and it does pretty much the same thing as your item. I think changing Faerie Fire to a Conjuration mist effect is fine. The conjured mists don't "see" and cling to creatures whether invisible or not. That said, I could see hedging your bets for the competition so that voters didn't second guess your decision not to add a Divination effect. Especially, since the mists only target creatures with concealment, though concealment doesn't have to be "invisible". I would give this a pass, but some voters may not.
Now, having gone through the whole item, I do question the use of a baldric as the item. I'm not sure what the design choice was to make it a baldric, but it just doesn't seem to fit. A baldric often holds weapons and it is too close to the body to billow out a mist. A cape might have served the item better, or maybe something else.
Since what most of the item does is a larger area and constant, but weakened (because of the lack of light thing) Faerie Fire, I can't say that I like this item overall. The last ability is its real redeeming quality, and even that is not really superstar in my eyes. The theme is only ok and kind of counter intuitive in some ways. The writing, although not incomprehensible, does not have the feel and readability of most of the Pathfinder rules. That being said, you did make the Top 100 so you must be appealing to the masses well. And I do appreciate the innate difficulty of designing a low level, low cost item, so you have my admiration there. You are a very active participant on these forums and that is very useful. Critiquing other entrants is a great way to practice spotting errors and issues with your own items. I expect you are very close to seeing the top 32 in the near future. Good luck with RPGSS 2015 and thanks for all your critiques here on the forums.
I just realized that there was one critique of my item that I did not reciprocate. Here you go.
Baldric of Revealing Mists...
Since what most of the item does is a larger area and constant, but weakened (because of the lack of light thing) Faerie Fire, I can't say that I like this item overall. The last ability is its real redeeming quality, and even that is not really superstar in my eyes. The theme is only ok and kind of counter intuitive in some ways. The writing, although not incomprehensible, does not have the feel and readability of most of the Pathfinder rules. That being said, you did make the Top 100 so you must be appealing to the masses well. And I do appreciate the innate difficulty of designing a low level, low cost item, so you have my admiration there. You are a very active participant on these forums and that is very useful. Critiquing other entrants is a great way to practice spotting errors and issues with your own items. I expect you are very close to seeing the top 32 in the near future. Good luck with RPGSS 2015 and thanks for all your critiques here on the forums.
Thanks for the comments, Nickolas! Yeah the language was my downfall here; the item reveals invisible people and creatures as well and allowed a wearer to reveal invisible opponents within visual range—as invisibility is essentially illusionary concealment. By not clarifying that my item caused some confusion.
The description should have been a little clearer to help with the imagery. I'm glad you were able to see in your mind's eye what I was going for though. Thanks again!
Ersatz Twin
I vaguely remember seeing this item early in the voting. I can not recall if it got my vote or not. I can say that later in the voting if I had seen it again that there were a lot better items in the mix and it probably would not have gotten my up vote. I like the concept, a fetish that lets the user create a copy of someone. As a DM I could see using the greater version in an urban mystery adventure, a villain who is framing the well to do or the PC's for their heinous crimes.
That said the execution of this was not up to par with the other contestants this year. Backstory isn't necessary and wastes words you could have used to help detail the item better. I also didn't like that the user couldn't control the creation. Without being able to control it I don't see it being a useful item, there are other items, skills, and magic that can get the same effect.
So good concept, nice idea but I feel you could have done "more" with it to take it to the next level. Thanks for sharing it with us MagiMaster and good luck next year.
Whew I, the world's slowest reader, have finally put a dot on all 32 Top 32. Now I shall endeavor to seek some feedback. I shall give feedback over the course of the next few months (and longer if you want :)
Clipper Clasp
I saw this several times in the vote and I think I always voted for it. I loved it! The flavor and the concept. I was surprised to see it didn't make the Top 100 but I suspect the fact it needed to be attached to another item to work may have been a strike against you. However, that was one of the things I thought was cool about it. A bonus effect that could be added to something else and I think the draw back of being staggered at the end helps balance that out. After reading it I thought "Why haven't I thought of this before" and I immediately started thinking of other clasps that could be added to other types of cloaks. That for me is a sign of Super Star design so I am sorry that the voters didn't push you to the top.
Thanks for sharing it with us Curaigh and I know you will do better next year.
Hand of the Monkey
I saw this one several times during the vote, and it did get my vote sometimes. I liked the monkey idea and thought it was creative, but I was not overall impressed with the effects. I didn't mind it was somewhat niche, I think picking a specific target user and making a cool item for them can be a super star item. That is harder to get passed the voters though and it has to be uberWOW to pull off. I think if you had reviewed and made it clearer what the item did, and then found a way to take it to the next lever you might have had something I would have wanted to vote up more often.
Thanks for sharing it with us James, good luck next year.
Hey all- I know I'm doing this pretty late, but any feedback would be appreciated. I made it into the top 100, so I feel decent about that. I had a few concerns about this item, so I'll be interested to see if they match up with what others thought. Thanks in advance for any feedback.
Boulder Thrower’s Kit
Congrats on making it into the Top 100, I really liked this item and voted for it many times. I actually thought it had a good chance of making the Top 32, sorry that it didn't make it. I liked the theme behind the items and think you did a great job of sticking to it with out going gonzo or becoming a SAK/SIAC.
The only suggestion I would have for making it better, is dropping the "kit" idea and focusing on the gloves part. I think it would be a tighter item if the wearer of the gloves could just catch or pick up rocks and toss them around like a giant. You could still limit to 10 rocks in a day, but eliminate the need for record keeping and the need to keep possession of both parts for the item to function.
Thanks for sharing the item with us Coleman I know we will see you in the Top 32 soon if you keep giving us good items like this.
Clipper ClaspThanks for sharing it with us Curaigh and I know you will do better next year.
Thanks Andrew :)
RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32
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Star Voter Season 9
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Please critique my item!
Pickled Orc’s Feet
Aura Faint Necromantic; CL 6th
Slot --; Price 4,800 gp; Weight 20 lbs.
Description
Inside a sturdy tin canister filled with pungent liquid floats a pair of greenish orc’s feet. Removing the feet and speaking the command word animates them. They walk or run just like a living orc following the simple verbal commands of the owner. Because the feet tread with the same weight as typical orc (190 lbs.), they can be used to test the safety of treacherous passageways and can trigger traps and tripwires. Pickled Orc’s Feet are AC 12, have 9 hit points and a Dexterity of 10. The feet cannot fight but can carry an attached fine-sized object (such as a candle or small note). If damaged (but not destroyed) the feet can be placed back into their briny canister where they recover lost hit points at the rate of 1 per day.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, lesser animate dead, craft alchemy; Cost 2,400 gp
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Hey James, you've got some good things and bad things here.
I think you use some nice descriptive terms in your writing -- pungent liquid, for example -- but you also have some passive writing. Reversing the order in that first sentence would help: A pair of greenish orc feet float in a pungent liquid in this sturdy tin cannister.
I think you're smart in your use of game mechanics, such as giving them AC, hp and a Dex. That's good thinking.
That said, you've got a lot of style issues. Your use of the template doesn't match the template provided, and little things like that can mean a lot when it comes down to people deciding who to vote for. You don't italicize spells the way you should, and the name of your magic item should be lowercase and italicized in the body of the description. Fine, which is a game term, should also be capitalized. In the last line of your requirements, I'm assuming you're referring to the skill, which should be written Craft (alchemy). But it's also not clear what actually fills that requirement -- a single rank in the skill? Look to some of Paizo's published items for the proper way to handle this.
Finally, moving past some of the writing issues, I'm not sure I'd have voted for this even if the writing were perfect. In my eyes, this is one of those items that makes adventuring safer. You simply run it ahead of you and you never have to worry about traps. I don't think that's a good design space, since it invalidates part of the typical rogue's usefulness and takes a weapon out of the hands of the GM.
I'd suggest sticking around on the Superstar forums and practicing in the Nine Blazing Months thread that will likely start up in the next few weeks. That's a great place to learn all the nuances of following Paizo's style and really focusing on harnessing your skill. You've clearly got lots of imagination evident in this item, so I think you're close.
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Please critique my item!
Pickled Orc’s Feet
This was my favorite item and the one I wish I'd thought of. I'm glad you posted it, and I'm interested to hear why the more experienced folks think it didn't do better.
What grabbed me first was the image it evokes of the feet... both in the canister and then running down the hallway. That they still weigh 190 lbs. jumped out at me too. Beyond being cool and interesting, it also seemed well balanced, just useful enough, not too jokey, and I'd never thought of anything like it.
I was expecting someone to note that it "violates SKR's rule #22" by making adventuring safer (as Jacob notes above). It does, but I wasn't that worried about it because I think the 20 lb weight and presumed physical size would prevent people from carrying multiples and the low hit points mean it won't be usable that often even if it does live through its first trap. (Maybe a few fewer hit points would alleviate that even more?)
Compared to many of its competitors, it also avoided stacking up as many powers as it could (a bunch of perfectly good items added one more power on top), wasn't too powerful for anything below levels 15, didn't have a completely insane price, and wasn't of such bizarre or limited use that I wondered why anyone would bother making or buying it.
I agree with Jacob's formatting comments above and would definitely fix that next time. Reading the "Incessant Ramble" thread, it felt like a lot of voters had internalized SKR's 26 design traps and would reflexively nuke anything that hinted at violating one of them. Having the formatting errors and making adventures safer (and maybe seeming jokey?) might have doomed it with those voters in spite of its other qualities. Maybe I took #27 ("An awesome item may disregard the other advice") too much to heart and the feet didn't deserve to be a top 32 item... but I certainly didn't see 100 that were better than it!
I'd take Jacob's advice to heart...
You've clearly got lots of imagination evident in this item, so I think you're close.
... focus on refining your skills and the details, and stomp your way into the top 32 next year.
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Please critique my item!
I'll give this the full treatment in my thread when I have a few moments. Quick version, I liked this a lot for flavor reasons but had to down vote it as consistently as I was up voting it for game balance issues. Is a mid to high level party in need of a rogue if they have a pair of these? Another issue is the logistical issues for GMs who now have to decide on the fly if the trap is going to affect he feet or not (for example a pressure plate triggered arrow trap would prolly miss despite the low level ac of the feet because the crossbow is aimed higher.)
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Is a mid to high level party in need of a rogue if they have a pair of these?
But the feet don't do door, chest, or ladder traps; disable repeat usage traps; open locks; scout ahead for purposes of reporting back; help you flank and butcher the flankee; be quiet sneaking down the hall (without magical help); or find secret doors. And if the traps would seriously be a threat to a mid-level rogue, then the feet will be out of commission after the first one if not destroyed.
Do figurines of wondrous power replace high-level rogues too?
Another issue is the logistical issues for GMs who now have to decide on the fly if the trap is going to affect he feet or not (for example a pressure plate triggered arrow trap would prolly miss despite the low level ac of the feet because the crossbow is aimed higher.)
I hadn't thought about this one. Does this come up height-wise for familiars, animal companions (many who weigh more than a halfling), or crawling characters? If the Rogue notes the arrow holes for a trap, is it common to make them disable the trap, or can they just see what height the arrows are at and either have the party jump or duck?
(And thanks for your feedback on my item over in your thread - I hope to give you a better one to review next year!)
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RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32
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Star Voter Season 9
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Thanks for the feedback guys!
Regarding this issue:
Another issue is the logistical issues for GMs who now have to decide on the fly if the trap is going to affect he feet or not (for example a pressure plate triggered arrow trap would prolly miss despite the low level ac of the feet because the crossbow is aimed higher.)
I considered this while designing the item. Not everything has to have a detailed mechanic. I think a GM's description of the outcome would add to the fun! :^ )
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RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32
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Star Voter Season 9
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I'll give this the full treatment in my thread when I have a few moments... Is a mid to high level party in need of a rogue if they have a pair of these?
Looking forward to your review GM_Solspiral! I appreciate your comments and attention to my entry!
I don't consider this item a threat to the role of rogues. They are still valuable allies as Jr. Annalyst pointed out above. Besides you could also use summon monster, summon nature's ally or animate dead to spring traps. Pickled Orc's Feet gives players other options for dealing with dangerous terrain (and not every party has a rogue). Plus the item has other uses too! :^ )| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
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I think the joke/novelty item is a concern to be aware of. I think Jr. Annalist's thoughts about whether people may take SKR's 27 rules a little too much to heart is a fair concern, but I think it's one to be aware of as a designer in the contest. For instance, I actually really liked the mechanics behind the dire hamster ball and I upvoted it more than once, but I didn't think it really had a chance (which I also understood, since the fluff behind it was a little hard to get past, though a mechanically identical item constructed in a different manner could have worked, IMO).
You need to design with the audience in mind -- I think I noted that with my poltergeist knot, the original idea was it would just dump the contents of containers. However, I remembered that visuals ended up being a huge factor last year and tweaked it to make the item much more visual. I think pickled orc's feet as a base items is something that could go over in a book of magic items or a module (or even in the old days of Superstar, when troll fingers made the top 32 as a judges' selection), but probably is going to face challenges in the open voting system.
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Please critique my item!
Pickled Orc’s Feet
And here we go....
The usual suspects beat me to it, and they have some very valid points.
My take:
Too many formating mistakes (aura, template, italics)
Why caster level 6? Because 3rd or even 5th level would be cheaper and cheaper sells (price to buy).
It is really heavy, understandably so, but heavy!
It has been a while since voting, but I recall seeing this, maybe even voting for it.
Your problem is that it is somewhat jokey (is that even a word?) based upon its name. Luckily it doesn't require consumption ;>
Very good description, the first three sentences are quite good. And then, BOOM, hello save adventuring item! That kills you in my book, if it violates Sean's list, then your item better be damn good!
The last few sentences actually save the item somewhat, giving it some extra things to do. But as I write this, it occurs to me that that is sign of poor design => if you have to give an example it is not clear. Wondrous items never ever should have an example.
I actually think that the feet are salvageable, they shouldn't trigger traps but maybe do bull rush or trip attacks as an ork could. The feet combine with an ork-like force?? Making it more dynamic and less save is key here.
Anyway, this is way better than last year's item, so good job.
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Please critique my item!
Pickled Orc’s Feet
Aura Faint Necromantic; CL 6th Slot --; Price 4,800 gp; Weight 20 lbs.
Description Inside a sturdy tin canister filled with pungent liquid floats a pair of greenish orc’s feet. Removing the feet and speaking the command word animates them. They walk or run just like a living orc following the simple verbal commands of the owner. Because the feet tread with the same weight as typical orc (190 lbs.), they can be used to test the safety of treacherous passageways and can trigger traps and tripwires. Pickled Orc’s Feet are AC 12, have 9 hit points and a Dexterity of 10. The feet cannot fight but can carry an attached fine-sized object (such as a candle or small note). If damaged (but not destroyed) the feet can be placed back into their briny canister where they recover lost hit points at the rate of 1 per day.
Construction Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, lesser animate dead, craft alchemy; Cost 2,400 gp
Two things on this great item James - first, I'd love to see it have a limited life. I think as a few of these fine folks have said it makes adventuring a bit too easy if you get to keep it, but if it only lasts 24 hours after you've opened it, it has a limited lifespan and is more punchy.
Second, I think it could be fun to have the thing have a life of its own and go wandering off for the whole 24 hours, but randomly once it's been instructed or until it is instructed again. Plus it should only understand orcish, which could be fun. Don't ask me how it understands orcish, maybe it should have an ear sewn on as well:)
But its very cool, I love the concept - the others here have good points to make too and are well worth taking on board. Good stuff - huzzah!
Rich