Wife hates that I game


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The Exchange

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Odds are she is having issue with something else in the relationship but she attacks this as an easier target. Not uncommon for couples to nitpick each other's hobbies or tastes than to address the bigger issue and sometimes use it as an excuse to start an arguement so they can say what they want. God im glad my wife never puled this


It is so easy to attack and criticise what people love, it is even easier to do this out of jealousy.

Fire her. Lol.

Grand Lodge

Pathfinder Adventure Path, Starfinder Roleplaying Game Subscriber

Note what I said about peanut galleries.


With all due respect to the OP, while I really think that it is fine to ask for suggestions on the forums, you need to remember that this is just a game. I think you are getting some pretty horrible advice (her than Lazar's advice about counseling). If you and your wife love each other and want to make it work, find out why she hates you gaming so much and then either change how often or how long you game, or quit. As much as I love gaming with my friends, I love my wife more.

The Exchange

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If I am doing something that I enjoy, that causes no harm to anyone else, that helps keep my mind off of the horror-stories in the world and news, and allows me to have friends...I don't see how a person who professes to love someone would want to take that away from them. That would be like saying "we have been married for a while, now that we locked that in with a family that you don't want to give up, we need to talk about getting rid of that pet/friend that you adore and that helps keep you happy. I don't want you having happiness from any other source besides myself."
What a greedy lil' sh!t. I have been married for 15 years and if it came down to the stuff being said, I would realize that my wife isn't really interested in my happiness, only my happiness through her, which is not what I wanted in a marriage.
She would need to respect me and my hobby or I would divorce her. Life is too short to live it with selfish, self-centered people who want to control your happiness.

Now all of this is assuming that she is allowed some "girls-nights" and downtime from parenting and life also....if you aren't providing that to her then don't expect to get it from her.
Tit-for-tat, Goose and gander, etc.


Exactly. Not fake at all, from fake healer. To give it up to appease her would be fakery of the highest order!

Dark Archive

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boldstar wrote:
With all due respect to the OP, while I really think that it is fine to ask for suggestions on the forums, you need to remember that this is just a game. I think you are getting some pretty horrible advice (her than Lazar's advice about counseling). If you and your wife love each other and want to make it work, find out why she hates you gaming so much and then either change how often or how long you game, or quit. As much as I love gaming with my friends, I love my wife more.

Actually this isn't really about gaming. This is about his wife demanding he stop doing something he loves doing. I am assuming he was gaming before they meet, if so. Then her demanding it now, after she knew it before they ever got married is beyond unreasonable.

Now if she gets no girls night out, then she has a complaint about things being unfair and he should make sure she gets as much time as him. But she shouldn't have a say on what he does in his free time with his friends. As long as it is not hurting anyone and gaming doesn't.


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Pathfinder Rulebook Subscriber
Dark_Mistress wrote:
boldstar wrote:
With all due respect to the OP, while I really think that it is fine to ask for suggestions on the forums, you need to remember that this is just a game. I think you are getting some pretty horrible advice (her than Lazar's advice about counseling). If you and your wife love each other and want to make it work, find out why she hates you gaming so much and then either change how often or how long you game, or quit. As much as I love gaming with my friends, I love my wife more.

Actually this isn't really about gaming. This is about his wife demanding he stop doing something he loves doing. I am assuming he was gaming before they meet, if so. Then her demanding it now, after she knew it before they ever got married is beyond unreasonable.

Now if she gets no girls night out, then she has a complaint about things being unfair and he should make sure she gets as much time as him. But she shouldn't have a say on what he does in his free time with his friends. As long as it is not hurting anyone and gaming doesn't.

Agreed. You can't ever marry someone based on who you think you can make them into. You can only marry who they are. Marriage will change them, but not the way you want.

If she truly is trying to make him give up something he loves, adn that he loved before they got married, that is not self-destructive, then that's the worst possible thing you can do to someone you supposedly love. You are enforcing your personality on them, and diminishing them. Basically, you're making your preferences greater than them. It's a way of making yourself more important, and stroking your own ego to make up for your own lack of self esteem.

In this case, I truly hope that it's not that she is wanting to change him, but that instead she simply has some actual grievance that she's taking out on his gaming as an easy target, rather than confronting about the real issue.


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And that's how MDT won the thread.

The Exchange

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mdt wrote:
Dark_Mistress wrote:
boldstar wrote:
With all due respect to the OP, while I really think that it is fine to ask for suggestions on the forums, you need to remember that this is just a game. I think you are getting some pretty horrible advice (her than Lazar's advice about counseling). If you and your wife love each other and want to make it work, find out why she hates you gaming so much and then either change how often or how long you game, or quit. As much as I love gaming with my friends, I love my wife more.

Actually this isn't really about gaming. This is about his wife demanding he stop doing something he loves doing. I am assuming he was gaming before they meet, if so. Then her demanding it now, after she knew it before they ever got married is beyond unreasonable.

Now if she gets no girls night out, then she has a complaint about things being unfair and he should make sure she gets as much time as him. But she shouldn't have a say on what he does in his free time with his friends. As long as it is not hurting anyone and gaming doesn't.

Agreed. You can't ever marry someone based on who you think you can make them into. You can only marry who they are. Marriage will change them, but not the way you want.

If she truly is trying to make him give up something he loves, adn that he loved before they got married, that is not self-destructive, then that's the worst possible thing you can do to someone you supposedly love. You are enforcing your personality on them, and diminishing them. Basically, you're making your preferences greater than them. It's a way of making yourself more important, and stroking your own ego to make up for your own lack of self esteem.

In this case, I truly hope that it's not that she is wanting to change him, but that instead she simply has some actual grievance that she's taking out on his gaming as an easy target, rather than confronting about the real issue.

Advice to AP: this kind of advice, which does nothing except reassure you that you are in the right, is not the kind of advice that will help you resolve the conflict. Matter of fact is, given how little you know of people here and how little they know of you, I hardly think you should really bring this kind of trouble to this kind of place.

Best advice I can give you is to find someone you know and who's judgment you trust based on past experience with him/her, and talk it out with that person. Any one of your wife's friends, for example, as well as your own. Maybe even a family member of either of you.

There are so many possible explanations and origins to a problem such as you describe that attempting to diagnose them without personally knowing you sounds absurd to me. For example, from my own experience I found out many people who think gaming is stupid feel ashamed of their gaming friends and family members, because they think being associated with such people will hurt their social status. That might be the case with your wife. Or it might be that she has another issue entirely and is casting it upon the more obvious difference between the two of you. Or maybe she is jealous, or maybe she wants more attention, or maybe she has a misconception that if you are a gamer you are immature and she can't count on you as a father to your child, or maybe she wished you'd be a bit "cooler", or maybe a friend got some crazy idea in her head, or maybe her family is working pressure on her to get you to stop that "childish game" and be more serious, or maybe she doesn't like your friends, or maybe she doesn't like that there's such a large part of you she can't understand and wants to identify with, or maybe...

My point is - don't let other people guess your problems if they don't know you.

Sovereign Court

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People do that all the time, everywhere. And some of the advice was pretty sound.

Things like: Talk to her, see what bothers her about it, seek counseling...

Don't dismiss advice, even if partially uninformed.


Hama wrote:
Don't dismiss advice, even if partially uninformed.

But then how would we ever get to lord our vast intellect over the "peanut gallery"?

:p


Did the op ver respond? Did he abandon ship?

Sovereign Court

He did. He said that they talked.

Sovereign Court

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Pathfinder Adventure Path Subscriber

He's being very responsible by not giving us the gory details. Even though I'm horribly curious and would love to know the gory details. :)


Pathfinder Rulebook Subscriber
Lord Snow wrote:
mdt wrote:
Stuff about expectations going into marriage, and how marriage can be ruined by bad intentions going into it, but not advice to OP.
Advice to AP: this kind of advice, which does nothing except reassure you that you are in the right, is not the kind of advice that will help you resolve the conflict. Matter of fact is, given how little you know of people here and how little they know of you, I hardly think you should really bring this kind of trouble to this kind of place.

Please note, that was not advice to the OP, that was a comment on how going into a marriage thinking you will change someone to fit your ideal of what they should be, or of forcing your ideal on someone once in marriage, is the worst thing you can do.

If you want to see advice I gave to the OP (or the advice my wife gave) then read the entire thread. :)

The thread has actually moved on from the original poster's request, and into the general 'marriage, gaming, and real world things' portion of the evening's entertainment.


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I was in a very similar situation as the OP at one point in my marriage. My wife was mad that I was spending every sunday morning-early afternoon with my friends gaming. Just like the OP it stated at just complaining and slowly moved into full on fights. While I wont give you any advise, since I dont really know the whole story, I can tell you what worked for me.

I sat down with my wife and had a mature discussion about what was wrong. And obviously it was that I was playing too much. But when i brought up that it was just 6 hours a week she let me knwo just how wrong I was. It was the 6 hours a week + a few hours prep time for game + a few more discussing it with my friends between sessions + a little more reading random gaming books + time playing other games (videogames etc.).

As stupid as it sounds it was a little eye opening for me because in my eyes when I was spending all that extra time gaming I was at home and my wife could have come in and see me at any time. So it wasnt that bad, not like I was outta the house right? (wrong). But she (correctly) thought that she shouldn't have to interupt me to get me to spend time with her.

So after some discussion, or really listening on my part, I realized what I had been doing and ever since I have cut down on my gaming (the videogaming mostly we still have out D&D/PF group) and make it a point to spend more time with my wife and we both get what we want I get to game and she gets attention.

So the short version is think "How much do I game?" not just how long are you at session but how much time to you spend in total on games of all types and preparing for those games.


In our vows, my wife and I respectfully recognised eachother's space and time, games were even mentioned (my wife also games, she disappeared behind her screen for a few days recently, lol). So we got that sorted straight up.

I swear I am not lawful.

Liberty's Edge

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Starfinder Superscriber
mdt wrote:
You can't ever marry someone based on who you think you can make them into.

..but...but... there's a whole song about this in the musical Guys and Dolls! linky

Grand Lodge

Pathfinder Adventure, Rulebook Subscriber; Pathfinder Battles Case Subscriber

Every time I see this thread pop up I hope that it has a happy ending.

I'll just keep hoping.


Boundaries and fair negotiation are important in a healthy relationship. If you have responsibilities that are shared with your partner, then you need to hold up your end of those responsibilities.

F---ing off and leaving your spouse with the kid while you get a night out with friends is something you definitely need to negotiate, not take for granted. Especially if she doesn't get or doesn't want the same privilege. It doesn't actually matter what you are doing, whether it's playing D&D or bingo or going to lectures on stamp collecting. If you want to go off and do this thing and leave your spouse with all the household and kid responsibility for some length of time, you need make sure that your partner feels that this is fair and that s/he is getting the same deal from you, or at least a fair deal from you where both your needs are met.

If you are bringing noise and social scenes and especially a gaming table mess to clean up into your home, impacting your spouse and child care, likewise you need to be checking in and making sure s/he is okay with it and that you are holding up enough of your end of these duties that it is fair to him or her. Are you keeping the noise down so it doesn't wake the kid, and cleaning up all the empty Cheetoes and Mountain Dew containers? If not, you are putting an awful lot of burden on your partner. I'm a gamer myself, but I'd be pretty teed off too if my partner left me with all the responsibility without asking, or made noise and messes and didn't clean them up.

If the issue is actually the perceived "immaturity" of gaming and not stuff that affects her personal boundaries or workload, your shared responsibilities or the amount of time you actually have to spend together where you're not working or doing child care, you have a very different relationship problem. It is reasonable and fair to set your own personal boundaries that include the right to enjoy whatever harmless entertainment hobbies you like without being negatively judged for it or pushed into dropping something you enjoy. In a normal, healthy egalitarian relationship, your partner does not have the right to tell you what kinds of books or movies or TV shows or games you can and can't enjoy. That is beyond reasonable personal boundaries and is unreasonably controlling.

However it is not reasonable or fair to leave your spouse with all the household and child care responsibilities, to bring noise and mess into the home you share with your spouse and child, or to take a substantial fraction of the free time you may have to spend together without asking and negotiating and checking in. This goes double if her needs already aren't being met for enjoying free time with you, or if you aren't willing to take all the household and child care responsibility an equal amount of the time so that she can get her own nights out with friends to do whatever she wants.

Healthy boundaries and clear communication equals healthy relationships. Try talking about what the real issues are, and being clear that you are willing to hold up your end of the household and child care responsibility and to set time aside for her, as well as setting clear personal boundaries about your right to enjoy the kind of entertainment you prefer without her controlling or censoring your personal tastes.


Zexcir wrote:
1. She thinks the minis are ridiculous and something our son should be playing with them, not "grown men."

My partner likes to watch "My Little Pony". He is a major brony. He thinks it is very cool to listen to a cartoon pony sing a song about making dresses. I may consider it a little silly, but by definition MLP is clearly a thing for grown men because that's currently the largest single demographic of the show's fan base.

Can I figure it out? Not really, but what he likes is his own business. I am not the gatekeeper of how other people are supposed to experience their femininity or masculinity or what they "should" or shouldn't enjoy. That kind of thing is even sillier than cartoon ponies.

If any of my friends were insecure enough to have a problem with my being with someone who likes MLP and who doesn't fit traditional gender roles, they would be invited to go stick their judgments where the sun doesn't shine and go bother someone else with their personal issues. I don't have the time or energy for it in my life.

Quote:
2. She's embarrassed that her husband is involved in the hobby and would prefer if I played poker or something else. She said many times she doesn't want to tell her friends when they ask what I'm doing during the times she goes out while we are gaming.

I personally think that most of the things cisgendered hetero women are "supposed" to be into in this culture are incredibly silly, like painting their faces, buying a useless ornamental array of shoes and clothes, reading romance novels and making going to the bathroom a social event. But, if either a man or a woman decides they like to do them, it is absolutely none of my business to say they are wrong as long as they don't try to force me to participate. I have my boundaries, other people have theirs, that's how life works. If you don't want to be judged, you'd best not be judging others.

Basically if your wife would resent you judging her for her personal tastes and interests, she needs to have the same respect for your personal boundaries.

Quote:
3. She said she would prefer me to spend that extra time with her. After talking on this topic, I reminded her how much time her and I spend together and this is really the only time I hang out with my friends... To which she actually agreed with because she realized how much I take her out to dinners/movies etc.

If you're usually tired during the work week and your weekends are the only time you have to really devote to household activities and must-do projects and relaxed all-day activities with your family, resenting a full weekend day spent away actually is not at all unreasonable. I tend to feel the same way about weekend time in my relationship - it's a precious commodity and I generally want main dibs on it for family and personal time. But I have no way of judging how it is for you or for her, subjectively or objectively.

Quote:
4. She would prefer for me to cut it shorter because it takes up most the day. I agreed that I would try to cut it to 6 hours, but I had to explain to her that some of the time we are gaming, it's us catching up on each others lives since we all work and have families. During this point I tried to talk her into playing with me but she refused.

Weekend days and evenings can be a very precious commodity in a relationship if it is the only time you have to spend together when you aren't tired from a work day and having to get up early for another one so I wouldn't call this unreasonable.

Quote:
One thing I want to note is that during the conversation she goes "The last time you guys gamed, you all were constantly laughing about the dumbest s***. I heard and it didn't sound entertaining or fun." My...

I don't see very much that is entertaining or fun in watching a cartoon pony singing about making dresses, but the point of a healthy relationship is that I don't have to.

I know for a fact that doesn't see anything at all fun in the fact that I teach wild food foraging including how to prepare edible insects. He's actually kind of phobic. But he only cringes a little and quietly shuts the door again when he opens the fridge to find roasted silkworm grubs, crickets and giant Thai water beetles staring at him with little buggy eyes. I don't do this often and I don't make him watch or participate, and he encourages me to go enjoy my fun. He is glad I like those things, just as I'm glad when he scores himself a good concert ticket to go see a band I have zero interest in. He can drag me to My Little Pony movies, but I do draw the line at noisy rock concerts and encourage him to go by himself or with his friends.

We don't share each other's likes and preferences 100%, but then life would be pretty boring if we were just clones of each other conforming to arbitrary social and gender ideals! It would be worse than that if we didn't respect each other's right to like completely different things some of the time.

A good relationship is a single unit made up of two (or more) separate people who love AND like AND respect each other. Just love isn't generally enough, not for long term sustainability if the liking and respect for your partner as a separate person isn't also there.


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Pathfinder Adventure Path, Lost Omens Subscriber

I'm in my early 40s, been with my wife for 23 years (married for 19), and we have a 13-year-old. My wife does not game, and isn't even all that much of a SciFi/Fantasy fan. But that's OK for us: we both think its important for each of is to maintain our own interests independently of each other-- in addition to our mutual interests, of course. She gives me some good natured flack about "nerd night", and the amount of time and $$ I spend on it, but is honestly very accepting of my hobby. She knew what she was getting into when we exchanged vows all those years ago.

Of course, when our kid was a baby until she was about 3, I cut down on gaming very drastically: I stopped GMing, and I cut down to one weekly game that only met for 4-5 hours per session. And I made sure that I gave my wife a chance to get out of the house for a like amount of time every week.

This is probably not am issue specifically about gaming, but likely about responsibility and/or equitable distribution of household tasks and child rearing. But you'll need to hammer that out with the wife.

Good luck!

Dark Archive

So so so glad my gf loves rpgs and gaming in general even if she won't play pf. She still gets itand is awesome about it .

The Exchange

Two quotes, which you can Google for sources if it matters to you.

The first, better-known one: "There comes a time when a man grows up, and puts away childish things."

And the much better, but lesser-known response: "...Including the desire to appear grown-up, and the fear of seeming childish."

As for the original difficulty... I side with those folks who have already pointed out that a mass of gamers on the Internet are a great place to turn for emotional support, but not so great a place to turn for helpful relationship advice. This is a matter for a counselor, or a rabbi, or somebody like that.


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Lincoln Hills wrote:

Two quotes, which you can Google for sources if it matters to you.

The first, better-known one: "There comes a time when a man grows up, and puts away childish things."

And the much better, but lesser-known response: "...Including the desire to appear grown-up, and the fear of seeming childish."

As for the original difficulty... I side with those folks who have already pointed out that a mass of gamers on the Internet are a great place to turn for emotional support, but not so great a place to turn for helpful relationship advice. This is a matter for a counselor, or a rabbi, or somebody like that.

Turning to a "professional" is a given. It's used by a lot of couples as a last resort. The OP came here because members of this community are likely to have experienced issues similar to his own. Likely(and I realize I'm assuming a lot here) trying to see if his issues can be resolved without resorting to seeing a professional.

I'm sorry, but it bugs me when someone goes "don't take anyone's advice here, but mine", and then states the most base, obvious piece of advice that the OP is more than likely to already know.

Do you only ask certified professionals for any advice? Or do you ask friends, family, perhaps other people who likely share your issue?

Besides, the OP came back and gave us an update on page 2, using some of our "terrible advice" and actually sitting down and talking with his wife about the issue. While not completely solved, progress has been made. Looks like the advice wasn't so bad after all.


How much your gf/wife complains depends on personal confidence, but all be a real man all the time talk is wrong. Psychologically is very important for adults to continue to play and relax, proved to help a lot in ''real'' serious life.

The Exchange

No, no, I get that, Josh M. - we here at the boards are capable of giving good advice. I've even known it to happen two times consecutively (and I know a guy who says it once happened thrice consecutively). I wouldn't cruise these boards if I thought they were incapable of providing helpful information. I'm just not comfortable with the thought that the advice of total strangers could cause to the dissolution of a relationship; it's the dire consequences of bad advice that I deplore - even if the odds of receiving it are relatively low. I'm sure you understand.

Grand Lodge

Pathfinder Adventure Path, Starfinder Roleplaying Game Subscriber
Josh M. wrote:
Lincoln Hills wrote:

Two quotes, which you can Google for sources if it matters to you.

The first, better-known one: "There comes a time when a man grows up, and puts away childish things."

And the much better, but lesser-known response: "...Including the desire to appear grown-up, and the fear of seeming childish."

As for the original difficulty... I side with those folks who have already pointed out that a mass of gamers on the Internet are a great place to turn for emotional support, but not so great a place to turn for helpful relationship advice. This is a matter for a counselor, or a rabbi, or somebody like that.

Turning to a "professional" is a given. It's used by a lot of couples as a last resort. The OP came here because members of this community are likely to have experienced issues similar to his own. Likely(and I realize I'm assuming a lot here) trying to see if his issues can be resolved without resorting to seeing a professional.

I'm sorry, but it bugs me when someone goes "don't take anyone's advice here, but mine", and then states the most base, obvious piece of advice that the OP is more than likely to already know.

Do you only ask certified professionals for any advice? Or do you ask friends, family, perhaps other people who likely share your issue?

Besides, the OP came back and gave us an update on page 2, using some of our "terrible advice" and actually sitting down and talking with his wife about the issue. While not completely solved, progress has been made. Looks like the advice wasn't so bad after all.

Than I'd say it was either a matter of luck, or he actually listened to some people who knows more of the complete situation. The problem is that asking a bunch of gamers about this sort of question yields answers that only look on one side of the issue, when it's very very rare that in a long settled relationship that problems aren't found on both sides of the fence.

And just because the OP is reporting good news now, doesn't mean that anything more than a bandaid has been slapped on, and deep underlying problems with the relationship may still be unaddressed. A relationship is two sides and it's very seldom that problems only come from one side.


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I used to work in a used record store, and I had a longtime coworker, [redacted]. He was a pothead, into rock'n'roll and film and comic books. He used to play in a local band, The Banjo Spiders, that had a chance, but, alas, never made it*.

He had gotten married a couple of years before I met him, and his wife was on the up-and-coming executive fast track. She'd be rubbing shoulders with the alt-publishing elite and he'd be getting wasted and exploring the Rain Parade's back catalog while reading old issues of Dr. Strange. It was very Shaun of the Dead and led to many, many marital problems as she would get increasingly frustrated that he refused to "grow up."

Now, on the one hand, I could see her point, but on the other, I always felt that if you marry a 30-year-old, pot-smoking record store clerk, what gives you the right to be angry when, 6 years later, he's a 36-year-old pot-smoking record store clerk? I really didn't like her very much, but she eventually got a job with some hot NYC magazine and that was the last I ever saw of [redacted]. I hope they worked it out, but I expect that, if they're still together, they're miserable.

EDIT: Oh yeah, she was also an alcoholic and a nasty drunk, which made her complaints about his pot-smoking all the more rich.

Anyway, I don't have any advice, because I, like Henry Higgins am a committed lifelong bachelor. Whether that's a front for being a deeply closeted homosexual or a barely suppressed misogynist, I'll leave for you all to decide.

---
*They were a power trio, and, after they broke up, one of the dudes put together a new combo and won the semi-prestigious (and, actually, cursed) WBCN Rock'n'Roll Rumble. He then hired the third dude (not [redacted]) and went on a tour of the States. I saw them once, they sounded like a more edgy Bryan Adams.


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When it comes to matters of life and death, you see the right person and nobody else about it. While this is serious, it is hardly that. If someone asks for advice on here, I honestly don't see a problem with various people giving it. Otherwise you will have to ask yourself.. If the guy asking is not a relationship professional, is it okay for him to try to fix the problem himself? When it comes to relationships, most people do know what they need to do, they just need to hear it from someone else. The advice he got was pretty good, I think.


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Heh, all the "you should go see a professional" advice here really cracks me up.

Most professionals will tell you that what most people really need to solve their problems isn't a "professional" but caring, supportive friends and family.

I won't even go into the whole "why do we think professionals are any better than a random guy on the street at solving personal problems" issue.

My own experience has not been that "professionals" have solved that many of my acquaintances, co-workers, family or friends' problems. And in some cases they have made them worse.

So excuse me for snickering a bit about "go see a professional."


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OP is a married gamer, with some trouble involving gaming. If a community, several of which are also married gamers, who may have had some previous trouble with their spouses involving gaming, are somehow not suited to give any advice on this subject, then who the heck is? Aside from a trained professional, of course.

It just seems like such a cop-out. We're not talking terminal illness, or someone seeking legal advice to avoid a prison sentence, we're talking day-to-day relationship issues, specifically an issue that many in this very community can expound on and have shared experience with.

The attitude of "well, we're just a bunch of gamers, so we're not qualified to give advice on anything..." is rather insulting in this case. As if we have no other facets of daily life, as if we have no other experiences interacting with other human beings, living in a parent's basement, ogling over chainmail-bikini clad elves.

More often than not, an unbiased stranger can offer very good advice, and find missing points in a problem that may have been overlooked. Sometimes, all a person needs is someone to bounce ideas off of, or just someone to listen.


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LazarX wrote:


Than I'd say it was either a matter of luck, or he actually listened to some people who knows more of the complete situation. The problem is that asking a bunch of gamers about this sort of question yields answers that only look on one side of the issue, when it's very very rare that in a long settled relationship that problems aren't found on both sides of the fence.

And just because the OP is reporting good news now, doesn't mean that anything more than a bandaid has been slapped on, and deep underlying problems with the relationship may still be unaddressed. A relationship is two sides and it's very seldom that problems only come from one side.

Did you even read what the OP came back and said? You call that "luck?" A "bandaid?" Nobody said the OP was a saint and it's all his wife's fault.

You're sort of taking a small blip of secondhand info, and running off with it at this point.


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As a middle age married guy with three children under 5, I've got some suggestions.

You're not going to be able to game as much as you did before you had children. Them's the breaks. You may need to renegotiate your schedule to meet your other commitments. Back when I was in college, I could run several games and play in a couple more. Now I mostly just run games (at a much slower pace), although I do the 'guest star' thing occasionally (like a couple of times a year) in others.
Bowing down before her and submitting to her is NOT a good idea. She needs to respect you and see you as a source of strength, no matter what she might say. That said, see the above.
Do some of your fellow gamers have kids around the same age as yours, or who like yours? If so, you'll find that bringing yours over to play/have a sleepover/etc when you game will greatly reduce the friction of you being out for an evening/afternoon or the like. I do this with my eldest (a very sociable 4 year old who is good at charming adults that don't have to see him 24-7) quite a bit, and not just for gaming outings.


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The advice given was that if there is unfairness in the free time department, that needs to be rectified. If it is not an issue about that, he needed to understand that his described time off was reasonable, that his interests are okay (in that they don't hurt anyone), and that her view that he should play poker and other manly pursuits is a serious problem on her part.

In the described situation, I would stand by that advice every single time with no regrets. I would also strongly suspect that it is the exact same advice a "professional" would give.


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Lincoln Hills wrote:
No, no, I get that, Josh M. - we here at the boards are capable of giving good advice. I've even known it to happen two times consecutively (and I know a guy who says it once happened thrice consecutively). I wouldn't cruise these boards if I thought they were incapable of providing helpful information. I'm just not comfortable with the thought that the advice of total strangers could cause to the dissolution of a relationship; it's the dire consequences of bad advice that I deplore - even if the odds of receiving it are relatively low. I'm sure you understand.

Josh might, but I don't.

Your argument is, basically, don't ask for advice, deal with it yourself. Or, alternately, only ask advice of people who have no knowledge of what you are talking about, and only have a vague understanding of what you are spending time on doing.

If advice someone get's on here 'dissolutions the relationship' then it likely wasn't strong enough to survive short of that person giving up who they are as a person. A relationship requires both people to make sacrifices, and it requires a lot of work. If it breaks up based on the advice of total strangers, that's actually a good thing, because it wasn't going to last, and the sooner it's over with the sooner both parties can get on with their lives and find the right person. Or would you rather keep a wreck of a relationship stumbling and tottering forward like some zombified wreck? I've seen what that does to the people involved, especially the kids. No thank you.

You should always ask advice from as many different viewpoints as possible, and then throw out the garbage. It's up to each individual to figure out what is garbage and what is not.

NOTE TO OP : This post is not a comment on your situation, only on LH's comment.


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If I learned anything about this thread...be careful who you marry. If something is important to you, better make a point of it, quickly. Otherwise, you've gone and reproduced with a woman who doesn't understand you.


I agree with the general theme that consulting fellow gamers for advice might be relevant and useful, but also that such advice should be taken with caution when it affects large, important life issues.

On a related note, I wonder if any statistics have been collected on the "direction" of relationship advice solicited from public spaces like forums and blogs? From what I've seen, it seems much more common for anonymous strangers to say "dump him/her!" than you see among close friends discussing things face-to-face. I wonder if that's a general trend?


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Calybos1 wrote:

I agree with the general theme that consulting fellow gamers for advice might be relevant and useful, but also that such advice should be taken with caution when it affects large, important life issues.

Why? Fellow married gamers in similar situations can likely relate a lot better, than random Joe Schmoe off the street. Why does "gamer" advice need to be handled so sparingly?

Using my own life experience as an example; do my years of a happy, successful marriage(with 2 children) become somehow invalid simply because I play D&D? Are "gamers" not "real, normal people" or something?

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Locking thread. The OP has gotten the advice requested and this doesn't seem to be going anywhere productive.

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