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This would be a deal-breaker for me. Love me, love my hobby.Honestly, if your hobby is more important to you than your spouse, you have a serious marriage problem and you should re-examine your priorities.
(my use of "you" is generic, not specific.)
-Skeld
If your spouse is demanding you stop something that you like/enjoy/is rewarding to you, that's not causing harm either financially or eating up an inordinate amount of time, then your marriage still has problems. ones that have nothing to do with gaming.
Substitue playing pool, working on cars, motorcycles, Hiking or any other hobby for gaming and its STILL a marriage issue that's not about whats more important, but rather respect of your spouse(or lack there of) of things that are important or dear to you.
Lets reverse it- Lets say he grips, b&!$&es, moans and complains every time she gets together with her friends. Every time. Doesn't want her to hang with them. But doesn't give a specific reason(haven't seen a real reason why she doesn't like gaming). Would you say the same thing about being more important then your marriage then?
Its not about what he's doing or it being more important. Its on her being jealous or immature or something that's not "fair" would be the best word to her spouse.
@Lol181
While a VC has a good bit of duty to attend to, there are a select group of people who always receive his or her time. Yes, he needs an opportunity to organize (and you've more than afforded him that it sounds), but he needs to be engaged in the relationship and take the time to be a part of it away from the game.
@Hama
Congratulations on the upcoming marriage (or else!).
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Being VC requires much more time and effort than most people ever give you credit for. People only see the time you spend playing Pathfinder on weekends, and think, this ain't such a bad gig, right?
What people don't see are the hours spent replying to new player email enquiries, organising GM schedules each week when you have a booming player-base and not enough GMs to go around, organising upcoming gamedays and conventions, four-day convention weekends day-and-night, and answering complaint emails from players with tact, all on the back of a day-job.
I'll just go grab a warm blanket now, because I think I'm sleeping on the couch tonight ;-)
This would be a deal-breaker for me. Love me, love my hobby.Honestly, if your hobby is more important to you than your spouse, you have a serious marriage problem and you should re-examine your priorities.
(my use of "you" is generic, not specific.)
-Skeld
If your spouse is demanding you stop something that you like/enjoy/is rewarding to you, that's not causing harm either financially or eating up an inordinate amount of time, then your marriage still has problems. ones that have nothing to do with gaming.
Substitue playing pool, working on cars, motorcycles, Hiking or any other hobby for gaming and its STILL a marriage issue that's not about whats more important, but rather respect of your spouse(or lack there of) of things that are important or dear to you.
Lets reverse it- Lets say he grips, b#@#%es, moans and complains every time she gets together with her friends. Every time. Doesn't want her to hang with them. But doesn't give a specific reason(haven't seen a real reason why she doesn't like gaming). Would you say the same thing about being more important then your marriage then?
Its not about what he's doing or it being more important. Its on her being jealous or immature or something that's not "fair" would be the best word to her spouse.
I'm with Doomed Hero and Carmachu on this one.
Now, I'm pretty young, and am only just starting to get into this adult relationship business, but from my understanding a committed relationship is going to have to have some common interests and common ground. I can think of several things (should have a some personal faith, should like the beach) that I look for in a partner because, if those things are absent, what are we even going to do together or talk about?
My goal is not to marry the first person that says yes, but to find the right person who says yes.
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I hate to put it like this but at the end of the day, which one do you valued the most. Your family (kids+wife+etc) or games (friends+social status+fun).
It would deeply disturb me if ever there was a time when those brackets separate, the equation should be:
(kids+wife+friends+social status+fun) = Life.
(kids+wife+etc) - (friends+social status+fun) = Divorce.
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I've been married 17 years come Saturday and I'm with Doomed Hero and carmachu too. Relationships change people, but they aren't about changing the other person. You must accept them and what and who they are about. If you can't do that, you have no business being in that relationship.
Now, with respect to gaming, time spent and schedules are always negotiable. Both of you need to make compromises to make relationships work. Sometimes a game may need to go on hiatus for a while to work through particular difficulties (newborn and toddler parenting frequently does this). But trying to permanently stop someone from doing it altogether or change them, as long as other responsibilities are met, should be unacceptable. There may be other issues in the relationship, sure, gaming may be being scapegoated. But it sounds to me like her tone is insulting and disrespectful and that really does need to be dealt with. It will poison a relationship. I would strongly recommend a marriage counsellor.
Yeah I don't know that I'm comfortable giving advice on a specific marriage when all I know is she doesn't like her spouse's gaming, I'm mainly speaking to the general.
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I have been GMing for about 12 years now and my wife hates it. I am at the point that I don't know what to do. She used to tolerate it and now more and more she mocks me about it or will have an argument about it. Our group gets together for aboit 6-8 hours every 2-3 weeks. A good portion of the game we are just socializing and chit chatting, but my wife just thinks we are acting like kids who don't want to grow up. I am 27 and we have one kid. Does anyone have any advise on what I could do? I feel like we argue about something that I have done for a long time and love doing.This part I bolded makes me thing it might have something to do with shouldering the responsibilities (and burdens) that an adult person (or even adult man) is supposed to.
Maybe your wife is worried about something else and feels that you are not doing enough to take care of this other situation (whether about the kid's education, your career, your couple's financial status or some such).
If that is the case, you can have a serious talk with her about what makes her feel like that.
Way I see it, your wife has some issues with your current life as a family and she cannot express them directly. Find a way to help her voice those concerns so that you can both agree on what is happening and then find a solution that works for both of you.
Note that expressing concerns in a couple is one of the most difficult things to do, which is why outside help might be useful.
I suspect THIS.
Don't know for sure in your situation. But women with young children often feel exhausted, wrung out, unsexy, and unappreciated. Motherhood is a 24-7 job with very little sleep and very little "me" time.
(Fatherhood too, but typical gender roles have the woman cooking, cleaning, shopping, driving, docs appointments, comforting in the middle of the night-- continously without relief, for 18 years.)
If this is the case in your situation-- then watching you have fun with your buds when she's exhausted, is infuriating.
Some possible remedies: have a date night every couple of weeks. Hire a babysitter. Let her pick where you go. Let her know that she's still beautiful and fun to be with. (Guys-- you have no idea how many demons this vanquishes in a woman's heart.)
And-- offer to babysit so she can have a girl's night out every couple of weeks.
I suspect the issue isn't that *you're* having fun. I think it's that she doesn't have fun, *ever.*
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In our case, it was about the game and the fact that it was too much (two days basically), the fact that she did not have a real hobby and was stuck at home and the fact that she finds it a 'silly hobby'.
That's basically my wife's attitude: why should I want to waste so much time out of the house when I could be at home, entertaining her? We've settled on one night every two weeks being a happy medium, however. (Although there was that one time when she was griping that my one game every two weeks was interfering with her going to the gym every night! Gimme a break...)
But it's a waste of time! You could be mowing the lawn or fix the door to the basement instead. You know, be a real man rather than playing some stupid game once every few weeks.
Ha! My wife occasionally comments: "Why don't you get a hobby that MAKES money? Like, instead of playing games, you could write games!"
And yet she never finds it funny when I suggest: "Why don't you learn to make shoes instead of going shopping for shoes?" Odd how that works...
;-) (If you're reading this, I love you, honey!)
I hate to put it like this but at the end of the day, which one do you valued the most. Your family (kids+wife+etc) or games (friends+social status+fun).
Trouble with this reasoning is, that's not how it works. I don't think anyone should sacrifice everything they are for the sake of their family. And I don't think a family should demand it of them.
Playing games or hanging out with your friends is some much needed recreational time. I think it's both unrealistic and unfair to expect that nobody ever have any free time. I'm sure you've watched TV or talked to someone over the phone. Having a family doesn't mean you have to give up being an individual. It's okay to occasionally do something with your friends without being guild tripped about neglecting your family.
Of course, if the guy has an unhealthy obsession with gaming, and it's all he can ever think or talk about, that's obviously a separate issue that needs to be addressed.
But a Saturday a month (or something equivalent) should not be unacceptable. Unless, of course, he's a pig and don't want you to have the same level of freedom.
And, I think this is an important point: Even if you don't have any need to occasionally socialize with friends, this doesn't mean that you should demand that he conform. Maybe you're just a better person than him. :)
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OP, if you're still reading, you have lots of good advice here. Above all take care of the child who is dependent on you and your wife.
If you don't have kids and you are experiencing this situation, well, come on down to Paizocon! Single gamer chicks are everywhere! Yes? No? Maybe?
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Some possible remedies: have a date night every couple of weeks. Hire a babysitter. Let her pick where you go. Let her know that she's still beautiful and fun to be with. (Guys-- you have no idea how many demons this vanquishes in a woman's heart.)
Of course not, we're men. We don't understand the other sex, especially in a consumerist world where 5th Avenue takes 17 to 24 year olds and dress them up to be attractive and then photoshop them into some kind of sick fantasy of perfection.
You women can't compete with industrialized perfection from 5th Avenue. Although, we men have little time to say there is no competition and you fulfill our needs and our lives. (That's something coming from a 38 y.o. single man who threw himself out of the running in Junior High).
My suggestions to the OP:
I think the constraint is that she is not getting enough attention or feels she isn't getting enough attention. To address this you are the one who have to change or you're going to be shopping for a new companion (there are a lot of women out there who would rather be Hot and Sterile -- oops, strayed to Politics).
First of all, there is a Law called the Law of Gratitude. The Law of Gratitude is part of how Kharma works. You need to show gratitude to the Universe that you have a wife. Say thank you every night that your need for companionship has been fulfilled and remember that there are those of us who are men and still single and unable to get a date. (You girls who game do not understand how precious you are. Really. I'm not kidding. I'd love a girl as creative as myself.)
Second of all, show gratitude to your wife. Third of all, take some time to consciously create (i.e. PLAN) a powerful evening for the both of you and go out on a date. It doesn't have to be expensive. Take your wife somewhere special and let one thing lead to another.
Your wife wanted you, you wanted your wife. Keep her. She's the greatest thing that ever happened to you and she completes you.
Third of all, do the best you can to find a balance between gaming and your wife.
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This isn't just about gaming, or the right to a hobby, it's about a marriage where there is a child and one spouse who is clearly unhappy about something.
Yes, definitely this.
I think the constraint is that she is not getting enough attention or feels she isn't getting enough attention.
Pretty sure this is the reason. She isn't getting enough of YOUR attention.
OP, when was the last time you and your wife went out for 6-8 hours, and you were engaged in the immediate moment with her the whole time?
Personally I'd try that first. Do it consistently every two weeks without fail. Remind her that she's the only one you want to be with at the end of the day. Make her feel she is still the one who is special, pretty, wanted. Tell her being away makes you miss her (because I'd bet it's true, when you give it a thought).
I know this will probably sound cheesy, but you might also want to try surprising her with flowers (even if they're from the grocery floral section) once in a while post-game.
'S all I got.
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This isn't just about gaming, or the right to a hobby, it's about a marriage where there is a child and one spouse who is clearly unhappy about something.Yes, definitely this.
I think the constraint is that she is not getting enough attention or feels she isn't getting enough attention.Pretty sure this is the reason. She isn't getting enough of YOUR attention.
This probably where the burn is. Which is why OP and spouse need to talk and them will probably need to get counseling.
-Skeld
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Good stuff
I will add though that the most important thing is to take care of yourself first and foremost.
I do not mean that you should behave like a pampered child, but that your needs have as much real value as the needs of the other. And in fact they should have a greater value to yourself.
Because in the end, the only person who has the responsibility to make you happy and well is yourself and no one else.
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Stuff
Please tell me you're at least a little bit sarcastic here, because frankly: This post contains some of the best AND some of the worst stuff I read in this thread.
I get a very strong vibe from this post, and it is "You have to change your ways to make your wife happy because you should be happy you have her."
You might not say this directly, but this whole "Keep her, greatest thing that ever happened"-stick just seems like it.
And this might be the truest thing in this thread as well as the wrongest (is that even a word?).
The reason for that is very simple: We know almost nothing about the OP.
All we know is that he is an evening absent from her every 2-3 weeks. Nothing more.
Consider these two scenarios please.
Both will be completly over the top and I'm NOT saying one of them is true, in fact, I very highly doubt it. It's just to demonstrate how little we know.
In Scenario A the OP is a great guy. He does everything for his family - he spends time with his family, works his ass off to support them, every free minute. He loves his wife, always tells her how much he loves her and would pretty much give up everything for her. He quit smoking for her, he cut ties with some old friends for her and watches the kid every time she is out with her girls.
OP's wife on the other hand is a horrible person, forcing him to do as she please. She hates that he has gaming as a hobby he refuses to give up and she sees it as something stupid, immature and all in all not about her, which bothers her.
In Scenario B the OP is - let's just say unpleasant. He's almost never home, and when he is, he wants to do as little as possible. He quite likes his wife.
OP's wife is a wonderful person. She loves her husband and is just getting desperate - giving herself the illusion that most of his jerkish behaviour comes from gaming and his friends, and that he will finally be a better person once he gives up this stupid old hobby of his.
Again - BOTH SCENARIOS ARE COMPLETLY MADE UP. I know nothing about the OP, this is just to make a point about how little we know.
So it seems a little rushed to jump to conclusions like "You have to change."
We don't know if he does, if she does or if they both do.
Not trying to offend you - what you say about the powerful evening is some really great stuff, as well as your general reminder that gratitude is always nice - but the post seems just too far into the "Change!"-direction.
Being VC requires much more time and effort than most people ever give you credit for. People only see the time you spend playing Pathfinder on weekends, and think, this ain't such a bad gig, right?
What people don't see are the hours spent replying to new player email enquiries, organising GM schedules each week when you have a booming player-base and not enough GMs to go around, organising upcoming gamedays and conventions, four-day convention weekends day-and-night, and answering complaint emails from players with tact, all on the back of a day-job.
I'll just go grab a warm blanket now, because I think I'm sleeping on the couch tonight ;-)
** spoiler omitted **
Not a responsibility I wish, but I'm pulling for you, DarkWhite.
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There has been some good advice above, I will just add this little nugget. When you speak to her about the problem do not use the phrase "the posters on Paizo told me" anywhere in the conversation.
Indeed. You should always refer to us as "the Wise and Benevolent Posters on the Paizo message boards."
The person I mentioned is a pretty nice person, this situation aside. My friend never quit gaming, nor did we. Granted, we don't play but once a month if we're lucky, but that's group wide because of jobs, kid activities, etc. But she didn't stop him.
She was brought up in this average middle class life style whose parents tried to make it more than it was with coming out parties for her and her sisters, cotillions, and dinner parties where you finally get to eat off real plates for a change. Her idea of fun is to invite one or two people she knows over for dinner, have them bring a friend or two that neither she or my friend knows, cook a fabulous meal then sit around talking about sports or politics or whatever. My friend HATES these nights, but I guess that's the trade off for his getting to play with us.
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All - Thanks for all the advice and support. I read through many of the responses and talked to her this afternoon. I told her straight up I wanted to have a serious conversation and compromise about it, because it's not something I'm going to stop doing all together. The reason why I posted it in here, under gamer life, is because I figured that I wasn't alone with this. All my RL friends who I game with don't have an issue with their significant others and them gaming. In fact I game the least out of all my friends. And I'm glad I did, because there were A LOT of GREAT points that I used during my conversation earlier. Although she still doesn't like that I'm continuing to game I think that the conversation will help in the long wrong.
She had several things that she said about it.
1. She thinks the minis are ridiculous and something our son should be playing with them, not "grown men."
2. She's embarrassed that her husband is involved in the hobby and would prefer if I played poker or something else. She said many times she doesn't want to tell her friends when they ask what I'm doing during the times she goes out while we are gaming.
3. She said she would prefer me to spend that extra time with her. After talking on this topic, I reminded her how much time her and I spend together and this is really the only time I hang out with my friends... To which she actually agreed with because she realized how much I take her out to dinners/movies etc.
4. She would prefer for me to cut it shorter because it takes up most the day. I agreed that I would try to cut it to 6 hours, but I had to explain to her that some of the time we are gaming, it's us catching up on each others lives since we all work and have families. During this point I tried to talk her into playing with me but she refused.
One thing I want to note is that during the conversation she goes "The last time you guys gamed, you all were constantly laughing about the dumbest s***. I heard and it didn't sound entertaining or fun." My response was: "We were laughing a lot? Isn't that a good thing? We were laughing because we were hanging out with people that we enjoy and it makes us happy. If it makes us obviously happy, why would you complain about it?" That kind of gave her a "Oh, well.." so no comment really, but I hope it made her think.
I can understand some of her points, but like many people in this forum it's a major part of our lives and something we wouldn't want to give up.
Thank you all for your comments/advice.
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Zexcir, good luck.
We lost one of our gamer group to a wife who sounds similar to yours.
My wife is a rare breed. She doesn't "get" gaming, but she doesn't mind that I game. She encourages me to do what I like, whether it is gaming, astronomy, fishing, golf, whatever. Just as I encourage her to pursue quilting, crocheting, gardening and spending time with her friends.
We have a number of things we do together such as hiking, boating, bicycling and watching movies or going out to dinner.
Most of my gamer friends' wives are openly dismissive of the gaming hobby and it is a constant source of friction between them and their wives. Interestingly, we have a gaming couple in our group too, and they both love to game.
On the other hand, I have noticed that many of the wives of my non-gamer friends more or less treat their husband's hobbies in a similar manner. Golf, fantasy football, poker, fishing, hunting...
In the end I don't think this is about gaming.
Sounds like her friends are making fun of her, for your hobby. Like I said, my sister got ostracized in grad-school, night class, situation for saying she played RPGs. I think you should just tell her to tell her friends, you play poker, or some stuff. Really.
I tend not to tell people at work that I game. I was on a business trip with a female co-worker where we ended up spending a lot of time traveling and eating together for a couple of weeks. Of course that meant we eventually started talking about our personal lives.
On about the second week we worked real late and had a very late dinner at the hotel and had a bit of wine to celebrate accomplishing our business goals.
In the spirit of such camaraderie she finally broke down and confessed that her favorite non-work activity was being a member of a multi-national real life role playing group where she was a high-ranking noble and she loved dressing up as medieval royalty.
When I told her I was an RPG gamer we both had a good laugh about how unusual it was to discuss our hobbies with co-workers.
Which is a shame really. But the reality is that it could potentially be a career threatening revelation for my hobby to be generally known by my bosses.
But by the same token, I know plenty of hunters who don't talk about hunting for similar reasons.
... and I damn sure don't talk politics.
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I feel for you Zexcir. I have 2 guys in my group who both had to cut back on gaming because of their wives. I got lucky enough in that I managed to find myself a nerd of a wife who loves video gaming, and has stuck her foot into tabletop gaming a few times before. She always tells her friends what I'm doing when I'm not home, or when my house is full of a bunch of guys. Some laugh at it, but who cares? I'd rather be at home around the table with a bunch of friends than out getting trashed at a random bar/club/strip joint.
I tend not to tell people at work that I game. I was on a business trip with a female co-worker where we ended up spending a lot of time traveling and eating together for a couple of weeks. Of course that meant we eventually started talking about our personal lives.
On about the second week we worked real late and had a very late dinner at the hotel and had a bit of wine to celebrate accomplishing our business goals.
In the spirit of such camaraderie she finally broke down and confessed that her favorite non-work activity was being a member of a multi-national real life role playing group where she was a high-ranking noble and she loved dressing up as medieval royalty.
When I told her I was an RPG gamer we both had a good laugh about how unusual it was to discuss our hobbies with co-workers.
Which is a shame really. But the reality is that it could potentially be a career threatening revelation for my hobby to be generally known by my bosses.
But by the same token, I know plenty of hunters who don't talk about hunting for similar reasons.
... and I damn sure don't talk politics.
Really? Man, that is a real shame. I've been lucky in my workplaces, they've always been really accepting of peoples hobbies. Even my last one, which was a hellhole beyond belief in terms of actual process and policy. They knew I was a gamer, and a number of other hobbies (some of them relatively shocking for those who aren't involved in that scene).
In my current workplace I cop a little flak about it, but it's all in jest and no worse than anyone else gets for their own hobbies or interests. Hell, some of the guys have even started to show interest in it, my technical lead is asking to join in on a game when I get settled in again after this work trip ends.
But yeah, politics at work, that's a no. Particularly when I work for the government, I think it's actually written into our agreement that we aren't allowed to discuss or argue things like that in the office.
Tinkergoth, back when I was in the IT side of things it wasn't any big deal. In fact half of my current gaming group came from my old development group.
Outside of IT I've found that hobbies like gaming are not nearly as welcome. In the area I currently work, image is very important.
On the other hand, I make a pretty good salary. :)
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I don't have to talk about anything with my coworkers. Course, they don't speak English, and I never see them. Joys of English Teaching in Asia.
I'm pretty sure this isn't the right place for relationship advice.
I can only echo what others have said - talk to her and find out what the real problem is. (Assuming she is willing to tell you.)
Really? But we roleplayers have always had a reputation for being in relationships.
In all seriousness, I see your point. Professional advice is best, but I don't see anything wrong with asking for advice here. It's not any worse than talking to a friend about a problem, and I'm sure everyone here has done that at some point. In fact, if the friends he would talk to are his players, this might be a better choice than talking to them, since it is likely his friends know his wife, and they could have their own bias, and it might cause more problems.
OP:
Maybe its the frequency. I was gaming about 3 or 4 times a month, but I've had to cut back now that I'm a father. My wife was not happy about the number of game days I had, and I couldn't really blame her for being upset. I game about once a month now. Not as much as I like, but there are other things in my life I enjoy other than gaming. My daughter is at an age now where she is the one pushing for playing games, and I really enjoy playing them with her.
Except Chutes and Ladders. I still hate that game. But "baby steps". Eventually I'll have her rolling a d20.
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2. She's embarrassed that her husband is involved in the hobby and would prefer if I played poker or something else. She said many times she doesn't want to tell her friends when they ask what I'm doing during the times she goes out while we are gaming.
So, she does not have to tell her friends what you do, all she has to do is tell them hes hanging with other guy friends.
Your real name isn't Jeff, isn't? Because that's my friend's name and practically word for word you quoted things his wife has said. Word for word. It was spooky.
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You had a talk - great. That is a fantastic start. Good luck.
I just avoided that whole mess and married my GM. Had our 24th anniversary this year.
Tinkergoth, back when I was in the IT side of things it wasn't any big deal. In fact half of my current gaming group came from my old development group.
Outside of IT I've found that hobbies like gaming are not nearly as welcome. In the area I currently work, image is very important.
On the other hand, I make a pretty good salary. :)
Ah, I see where you're coming from now. Thankfully my department is one where IT is a major section, and it's possible for us to get to pretty reasonable paygrades without having to leave techincal roles.
That said, it could just be a very different environment here in merry ol' Aus. I know plenty of gamers from non-IT roles in both government and private industry, and most of them are very open about their hobbies amongst their colleagues. Of course thats not to say that image isnt important here too, but it's more how you present yourself than anything else. I've got a rep at work for being friendly, capable, and a snappy (if somewhat quirky) dresser. The fact that they consider me to be a little eccentric is irrelevant to most people there, because they know I can do the job and I'm pleasant to work with.
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Not to put too fine a point on this, Zexcir, but your wife sounds very shallow. It sounds like maybe she's making progress with your help, based on how you described two of her "Oh!" moments during your conversation, but she's still got some learning to do...
1. She thinks the minis are ridiculous and something our son should be playing with them, not "grown men."
The same thing could most likely be said of her hobbies. Does she have lots of shoes, purses, and/or accessories? "Spending that amount of money is ridiculous, and a grown woman shouldn't be playing dress-up like a child who wants to be a princess."
Not that I recommend putting it like that, but I hope you call her out on this at some point.
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She seems to be caught up in the social prejudices that have been beamed into her head since she was little. It's not here fault entirely; I expect most of us gamers had our reservations about the hobby before we started it (at least, those of us who started after it had already been around long enough to have a "reputation). I certainly did: In middle school, people who were open about this sort of thing were often teased, and my DM friend had to work up to asking us if we wanted to start a game with him for the better part of a year.
I think just watching, not playing, a session would be a good help to your wife. That may be difficult since you do have a child to watch, but I'm sure some arrangement could be worked out (hiring a babysitter one night), just so she can have an understanding of what is going on, not just overhearing parts of conversation or seeing the minis and filling in the holes with the pre-established judgements she didn't choose to have programmed into her.
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Not that this is a serious suggestion, but... She would prefer it if you played POKER??? If you can afford it, do as she asks. Enroll in a tournament. Blow 15.000 dollars. I bet those minis look pretty sweet after that...
I have had friends with the problem. In these situations they made sure to make time for the wife and kids, even so much as to plan vacations, and the wives never bothered them if they did any other activity. It was only the gaming, which took place once a week, or once every 2 weeks.
Every situation is different, but many times, it is because they can't relate so they don't understand the value of it.
As long as she is getting to spend time with you as a couple I would say keep gaming. This may be one of those "test" such as when your gf waits until the game(sports) comes on to talk to you just to see if you will choose her over the game. They(some women( see it as a matter of reassurance, not knowing how the game(tv or rpg) is not really close to being as important as them.
PS:I have heard this come directly from women so I am not theorycrafting.. :)
I have been GMing for about 12 years now and my wife hates it. I am at the point that I don't know what to do. She used to tolerate it and now more and more she mocks me about it or will have an argument about it. Our group gets together for aboit 6-8 hours every 2-3 weeks. A good portion of the game we are just socializing and chit chatting, but my wife just thinks we are acting like kids who don't want to grow up. I am 27 and we have one kid. Does anyone have any advise on what I could do? I feel like we argue about something that I have done for a long time and love doing.
In reality though, her problem probably has little to do with gaming. What takes up more time? Your dates and romances with her or your gaming group.
The fact you're posting on here makes me think your gaming isn't limited to one night every two to three weeks. How often/long do you prepare for games? How often are you at game stores looking for books/minis? How much time do you spend on the forums?
(I know you've already talked to her and I hope you work everything out. Just know the time you spend on a hobbie you love will seem far less to you than your spouse watching you.)
Other alternatives are:
Taking up shooting, specifically howitzer targeting practice on cheap car wrecks during booze and barbecue parties.
Going to survival camps in the great outdoors. Nothing like the smell of a man who didn't shower in two weeks.
Gymming with 'roids. Nuff said.
Parachuting. The cost is a great argument for RPGs as a hobby.
Building your own airplane from a kit. Full size. And functioning. If she complains, say "it will be wonderful to take the tot flying when I am done".
Taking up extreme skating is a good one too. Invite her to watch, saying "if this trick is my Last, I want the last thing I see to be you".
Nude posters of porn stars and buying pornos often enough should douse her enthusiasm for manly behaviour.
Go old school religion.
Seriously, though, she imagines the choice is between you as you are and a youish version of George Clooney. The real choice is you as you are or a sad, miserable you.
When I got married I continued to game.
When we had our first child, I took a long hiatus that lasted until our second child was out of diapers.
So that was more than a few years I "gave up" gaming to focus on the family.
That might be part of the reason my wife is so reasonable now.
I dunno. Something to think about.
This would be a deal-breaker for me. Love me, love my hobby.
Reject the dice gods? Blasphemy!
In our case, it was about the game and the fact that it was too much (two days basically), the fact that she did not have a real hobby and was stuck at home and the fact that she finds it a 'silly hobby'.That's basically my wife's attitude: why should I want to waste so much time out of the house when I could be at home, entertaining her? We've settled on one night every two weeks being a happy medium, however. (Although there was that one time when she was griping that my one game every two weeks was interfering with her going to the gym every night! Gimme a break...)
But it's a waste of time! You could be mowing the lawn or fix the door to the basement instead. You know, be a real man rather than playing some stupid game once every few weeks.Ha! My wife occasionally comments: "Why don't you get a hobby that MAKES money? Like, instead of playing games, you could write games!"
And yet she never finds it funny when I suggest: "Why don't you learn to make shoes instead of going shopping for shoes?" Odd how that works...
;-) (If you're reading this, I love you, honey!)
I lolled hard at the shoe joke.
Suddenly, shoe maker!
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When I got married I continued to game.
When we had our first child, I took a long hiatus that lasted until our second child was out of diapers.
So that was more than a few years I "gave up" gaming to focus on the family.
That might be part of the reason my wife is so reasonable now.
I dunno. Something to think about.
My gaming has gone down dramatically since my daughter was born. Starting after she goes to bed (usually around 7:30) and only on weekends dramatically reduces available gaming time. Trying to game with an awake and moving baby...not a realistic goal for me and mine.
Fortunately, my friend group seems to like coming over and playing with her until she goes to bed, so the amount of socializing with friends time has remained about the same. It is just now PG until after 7:30 :)
And my wife generally plays with us, which helps a lot.