Once more, with feeling

[Jacob Kellogg]

Like most (all?) of the other Top 32 contestants, I've told a bit about myself, and put most of it into my profile as well, so that people can get to know me a bit before the first of the voting rounds begins.

But it's sterile.

It's just my gaming history and some of the mundane facts that you tell every new person you meet but no one ever remembers. If you read my profile, congratulations: you know some facts. But you don't know me, and that was theoretically the whole point.

So now it's risk time.

I'm going to take a leap of faith, step out on a limb, be "real" for a moment; whatever you want to call it. Maybe it'll help you know me a little better. Maybe it'll be cathartic for me. Maybe all it'll do is help you pass the time for a few minutes while you wait for voting to open. But just in case something worthwhile can come of it, I'm going to show some warts.

*deep breath*

Sometimes I feel like a 12 year old. (Note: I'm 27.)

I've always known, on some level, that I was a pretty capable guy. I cakewalked school (known as "the smart kid"), I graduated college with honors without breaking a sweat, I've excelled at dead-end job after dead-end job, etc. Look at the facts, and I'm lookin' pretty solid.

But 90% of the time, I feel the complete opposite. My parents treated straight-A report cards as a baseline, not an achievement. My peers in school resented my academic success and mocked me for my shortcomings (no athletic ability, no friends, etc). My peers in college all seemed to be working towards something while I had no idea where I was going (didn't even declare a major until I ran out of "general" classes to take).

I feel like the people around me are all these mature adults whom I embarass with my very presence. In RPG Superstar, I picture Round 2 feeling like a party where I'm some kid who got invited due to a clerical error and everyone's going to look at me and say "How'd he get in here?" and I'm going to say "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get in, it's okay, I'll just watch, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..."

I feel like I've been masquerading as a real competitor, and in a few hours I'm going to blow my cover, going to "get caught" and be shown to be a small, insignificant child who shouldn't have gotten past the front door.

I feel guilty for being in the contest. I feel like I've stepped out of my station and am about to be disciplined for it.

Not quite the type of "fear and trepidation" that gets talked about most of the time, is it? Maybe others feel the same way and don't say so, or maybe I'm the only one. I don't know.

But maybe now you know me a little better. Maybe that matters, and maybe not. But after typing all this, I know I feel a little better; and that is, I think, a good enough reason to post this.

Good luck to my fellow contestants, and may everyone enjoy the show. :)

[James Raine]

I feel like the polar opposite, myself: I've been homebrewing for so long and gotten so many people I don't even know to tell me "They should've had you make 4e/on the 5e dev team". It's been slowly over time wearing away that artist's self-criticism to the point where I can honestly look at my work and say, "I'm satisfied with this, and I think it turned out well."

But I was where you are now, once (and I'm only a year older than you). It took me some five years to get over it, but I can look at my work now and overlook the imperfections to see the greater, better whole.

Sometimes, that's a blessing. Other times, it's a curse. Regardless, I'm still as nervous as you are, being here in the top 32. It's one of those "holy crap are my dreams coming true" moments, and while I hope they do, I doubt that this solitary contest will make me able to be a full-time game designer. But I can make it into leverage that I can use to make that happen.

Sorry if this is rambling or hard to follow: I haven't had my coffee yet, and my little girl had me up half the night with nightmares.

[Thomas LeBlanc]

Jacob '1 of 3' Kellogg wrote:

I feel like I've been masquerading as a real competitor, and in a few hours I'm going to blow my cover, going to "get caught" and be shown to be a small, insignificant child who shouldn't have gotten past the front door.

Thank you for making me feel better. I have trepidation about round 2. Never really looked at or used the factions before. But you sound much more nervous than me.

Good luck! And no throwing a tantrum or wetting yourself after reading the judges reviews! You're too old for the first and not close enough to Clark's age for the second.

[Mikko Kallio]

Jacob, I'm extremely nervous about seeing the comments and the 31 entries my organization will be competing against. Since Thursday when I submitted it, I've been telling myself to stay away from these forums and not to worry about it! Yeah right, as if I could do that. I've only managed to sleep 4-5 hours a night, while I normally sleep about 8 hours (I'm no D&D 3.5 elf...)

So don't worry. Or do worry, but you should know that we all do!

[Mark Hart]

Jacob Kellogg wrote:

I feel like the people around me are all these mature adults whom I embarass with my very presence. In RPG Superstar, I picture Round 2 feeling like a party where I'm some kid who got invited due to a clerical error and everyone's going to look at me and say "How'd he get in here?" and I'm going to say "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to...

The inner critic can be a harsh taskmaster...

Not that my opinion counts any more than anyone else's, but having read your wondrous item submission, I see absolutely no reason why you can't or won't advance to the next round -- you made it through Round 1, but not through any mistake or oversight. I really look forward to seeing your organization for this next round!

[Greg Monk]

Funny, Jacob - I feel exactly the same way you do - thanks so much for sharing that! (As an aside, I was born and raised in St. Paul, MN, where the formative years of my gaming experience took place - maybe it's something in the water...?)

Most of my life – in school, at work, in dating and in gaming, to name just a few instances – I’ve felt like a child playing grown-up in an adult’s world, waiting for someone to notice that the shoes and clothes I’m wearing are WAAAY oversized for the person inside. Honestly, that’s in part why I was unprepared for my name to make that list (though, of course, I fantasized about it obsessively as I was writing my entry) -- somehow, I don’t yet feel I “rate”, silly, to be sure, since my perception of me vs. everyone else is by its nature, biased and not the same as other people’s.

It’s a very cool thing to be a part of all of this, and a part of all of you. I’m a 44 year old going on 14, most days, which is probably why I fit in so well in the elementary school at which I work, not to mention in my gaming group – whom I love dearly, but would not exactly call a “hotbed of mental health”, LOL.

I will soon (God [or insert deity of your choice here] willin, an’ the creek don’t rise) celebrate 20 years of continuous sobriety – a cool thing indeed for a raging (and not in a good, +4 to Str and Con kinda way) alcoholic, but that likely goes a long way to explain both my occasional bouts of immaturity, and my own insecurities. Not the easiest path I’ve tread to get here today, even if most of the darkness was, in retrospect, self-generated.

Well, that was a bit more self-disclosure then I planned on in this forum, but it is a cool thing to find out a bit more about the people behind the entries, so I threw in (as a certain well-known judge would say) “my 2 cents”, and applaud the concept of this thread, and all those who dare traverse its murky depths…

[Mark Hart]

Greg Monk wrote:

I’m a 44 year old going on 14, most days…

Same here! Welcome to the club!

[Jacob Kellogg]

Greg Monk wrote:

(As an aside, I was born and raised in St. Paul, MN, where the formative years of my gaming experience took place - maybe it's something in the water...?)

Well, I actually grew up in MO, and have only lived here in MN for less than 5 years. But if you're still around, check out MSP Pathfinders on Meetup and maybe we can play some PFS together. :)

[Benjamin Medrano]

Jacob Kellogg wrote:

I feel guilty for being in the contest.

I feel the same, honestly. I'm filled with worry and anxiousness, and I honestly don't expect to do well at all. I've said before that I lack self-confidence, and it's true, and I don't even have your awesome history to fall back on.

I'm 26, in a dead end job, and I didn't do great in school. Oh, I didn't do horrible, but that's in spite of myself. I read books in class rather than paying attention to what the teachers were saying. I fantasized about RPGs, novels, and video games when I should have been doing homework. The only reason I did decently was because I normally aced tests.

And I hate myself for doing that. I feel guilty because I haven't earned a damned thing, in my view. Other people worked incredibly hard, and I chose to coast. I feel like a bloody hypocrite, and I've been trying to change that.

We'll see how it goes, though.

Edit: I suppose that my utter lack of self-confidence is partially because I was an alternate who only got in because someone failed to make the submission deadline for Round 2. Talk about cranking the stress-meter up a few notches.

[Curaigh]

If you even marginally want a writing contract with Paizo, or your name on the cover of an adventure, you deserve to be here.

More than that you ARE here.

Because of what YOU did. Not because of who your daddy is; not because you bedded the right someones and not because you paid the extra dollar for the multiplier. YOU designed an item. YOU kicked butt. And we admire what YOU did. YOU are someone we look up to. I think I can say 'we', because the folks on these boards are so awesome.

You are among friends here. Congratulations and relax. :)

[James Raine]

Benjamin Medrano wrote:

I'm 26, in a dead end job, and I didn't do great in school.

I'm 28, unemployed, have a wife and a one-year-old daughter that I can hardly support between my unemployment check and my wife's income from a job she hates, and flunked out of college.

Trust me, I know where you're at. But my wife and my daughter are my reminders as to why I'm even here: they have been nothing but supportive (as supportive as an infant can be, anyway) both in this contest and in my desire to break into this industry. You've got to have a reason to be here too: family, friends, prestige, 2 B A MASTER, whatever. Just figure out what that is and everything else becomes easier.

[Will Cooper]

Jacob, thank you for posting so honestly. I suspect that what you feel is resonating with many other competitors. It might help (I hope it does) to know that this pattern of thought (I'm not good enough. I'm here on a fluke. I don't deserve it.) is common enough to have its own label in pop-psychology.

Look up imposter syndrome some day. I know it's something that I have suffered from, and still do at times. The antidote that works best for me is to remind myself that Sean, Clark, Ryan and Neil are not fools. I did not fool them. They saw something, even if I want to doubt it. I need to trust them, and give it my best shot.

Good luck :)