The Unchained:
Strong Points: Slaves-turned-slavers are legitimately original antagonists. Simple, fresh ideas are hard to come by, so that's a major strength. I like the dual goals of the organization, and I love its semi-religious practice of enslaving those unworthy of liberty. There's a tremendous amount of variety in this organization given how unified its concept is.
Weak Points: The Starstone bit feels tacked-on. Some of your naming is weak, too; the NPC names are okay, but neither "The Unchained" nor "The Compound" are as flavorful as they could be. Finally, while your writing is competent overall, it gets a bit shaky in places with forking sentences and some passive voice (not Paizo "passive voice," either, but real passive voice).
Suggestions for Improvement: You're clearly a strong writer, so your occasionally awkward sentences indicate only a lack of sufficient rewrites. Get in the habit of scrutinizing your longer, more comma-laden sentences. You can often find ways to state them more directly.* That'll lend force to your writing and help clear up your passive voice.
Speaking of force, one or two concrete details would have given this excellent entry that bit of extra punch. I'm talking about objects, locations, a bit of physical description for your NPCs, or even a description of the advancement ceremony (I'm thinking of Kirk and Spock's fight from "Amok Time", myself). Cool ideas deserve cool visuals.
* For example, the preceding two sentences originally read: "A good habit to get into is to double-check your longer, more comma-laden sentences for ways that you can state them more directly."
Overall, I like and would use this organization. In fact, I've got an adventure coming up in a gnoll city that uses lots of halfling slaves... The Unchained might fit in perfectly there. Nice work.
Reviews continues while work is slow:
The name is simple, but I like that. It’s descriptive enough that I get a general sense as to the purpose of the organization, but vague enough that it doesn’t outright say “bestest thieves around club.” I can certainly imagine a PC overhearing two merchants whisper about the recent activity of the Opportunists.
The writing itself is easily read and descriptive and interesting without being overly wordy, which I appreciate.
The goals of the organization seem a touch lack luster to me. I’m not really certain why the organization exits. Are there hidden plots and strings in there, or is this just simply a group of thieves who try to outdo one another? There is that sentence about infighting, so maybe just the lack of space made fleshing that out difficult.
I can certainly see this group as being antagonistic, especially if the Opportunists want the MacGuffin that the PCs have.
Interestingly enough, I think I could also see the PCs working for the Opportunists, and certainly that CN scoundrel in the party may even want to join them, so they seem to fit as an organization that might actually exist, and isn’t simply a plot device.
Well done.
I really don’t know where I stand with this one. On my first reading through I was totally confused. Is the Braintree already a thing? I’ve searched through the wiki, the forums, and the bestiary and came up with nothing. A google search led me to a town in Essex, UK.
I’m assuming then that you created it specifically for this organization. Hrm...not sure how I feel about that.
First the Braintree itself. With more descriptive text devoted specifically to it, I think this is a really cool concept. I’m not entirely sure I liked the “mechanism that runs the undead brains of executed magic-users in series” which sounded very computer-like and not entirely a good fit for a fantasy setting, but the concept of it feeding off of the preserved brains of recently deceased spell casters is pretty cool. Tended by a cabal of necromancers is also pretty cool.
Generally, I like the idea of wealthy, arrogant nobility employing the services of a device (creature?) they know little about. I can really see this getting out of hand, and eventually the Braintree starting to run the show.
And I think that’s my issue with it. I’m not so sure its an organization as much as it’s a plot device. A really cool plot device mind you, and one that I think most GMs would love to build an adventure around, but I just don’t see it standing as an organization.
Or maybe my issue is that I don’t see it standing as an organization in 350 words or less. I think in creating (and maybe I’m wrong about that and I’ve just never read where this object/creature comes from) the Braintree you’ve got a really cool idea that doesn’t leave a lot of room for the “organizationishness” of it.
Had this been your submission, I think the response would have been somewhat polarized. You would have had people that love it, and those that things it’s a tad over the top and not focused enough on the task specifically.
Then again, I’m just a guy who didn’t make it in at all, watching from the sidelines!
My first inclination towards it was that it was a touch forced. “Really?” I thought, “they oppose ALL forms of magical healing? Isn’t this just a way to paint a target on the backs of every PC, all of whom will receive magical healing at some point? Isn’t magical healing fairly commonplace?” Which got me thinking, is magical healing commonplace? Certainly it is for a group of adventurers, but to the world at large, you’re average Golarion peasant, perhaps magical healing is just that, magical.
That little road bumb aside, everything works. I can see the thinking behind the members of the group and I could perceive it as an actual organization, not merely a plot device as was my initial inclination; however, certainly there’s lots of room for antagonism, and ways in which you could build an encounter, or even an entire plot around this organization.
This would have earned my vote had you made the top 32.
Now back to work on my Playing-At-Home-Edition Monster.
Fieldhands of Zyphus:
Strong Points: I like this group's function; in fact, I like it so much that I've already got a similar organization, The Brotherhood of Respite, in my home campaign. I also appreciate evil organizations that have sound business models. This organization has believable, material motivations while still lending itself to plots grander than "make lots of money." On its own merits, I like the opportunity for PCs to act as employees of this evil organization; as you recognize, though, that's not an appropriate quality for an organization in this contest.
Weak Points: As you point out, this group isn't sufficiently antagonistic. It's also rather narrow in its story-level uses. I can imagine hitching this group to all manner of evil overlords, but the organization itself only does one thing, and I don't know how much mileage I can get out of that.
Suggestions for Improvement: It's hard to say what you could have done better here, because you apparently weren't shooting for an antagonist organization. That makes a huge difference. For example, your group is sufficiently broad to be a patron to a group of PCs, because the quest for a corpse can lead a group to just about any adventure site. However, as antagonists, the Fieldhands are too narrow because they'll always be encountered on the same basic mission, and there are only so many ways to contrive conflict between PCs and glorified undertakers. You mention that the group does stoop to murder, but that's such a small part of your entry and such a standard villainous activity that I can't get too excited about it.
As an organization, I like the Fieldhands, but I don't think I'd use them as antagonists. That basic disconnect makes them hard to review in this context. Your ideas and your execution are pretty solid, however.
PhineasGage, I see what you were saying, and was also concerned about it, which is why I tried to specify that it was magical healing that specifically prevented death (I know that's almost all the time for PCs, but it's not like the PC's go around town with giant signs on their backs that read, "I'm a PC." either).
The plot hooks I envision with this organization is the local baron's daughter, who was recently saved from a deadly disease through magic, is assassinated, or a recent church plant suddenly goes silent and the religion supporting the PCs sends them out to investigate. The average commoner isn't able to afford magical healing, even if it is more commonplace than other campaign settings, and certainly not the kind of healing that cures diseases.
it's not like the PC's go around town with giant signs on their backs that read, "I'm a PC." either).
The average commoner isn't able to afford magical healing, even if it is more commonplace than other campaign settings, and certainly not the kind of healing that cures diseases.
Coming to this realization sold me on it. I definitely think its something I'd include in my own games.
I've just been reviewing these at random, based on what strikes my fancy at the time.
** spoiler omitted **
Thanks for the feedback. I'm pretty weak on my Golarion-Fu, so I'll try to explain what this organization does. Basically, it's a social club, kind of like the social club the main protagonists use in Steven Brust's Khaavren Romances, but they act as consulting detectives, like Sherlock Holmes, except they're evil and have great wealth, their own cabal of alchemists, oracles, and necromancer, and their own bands of inquisitors and cavaliers.
Basically, they can oppose the PCs on many levels. The PCs might be hunted down the inquisitors, especially if they are talented but lower-level magic-users. The inquisitors might engage in a rigged trial or just execute or capture the PCs, or an ally of theirs. The Headsman Club may also be hired to find out info about the PCs, especially if the PCs have done something against a wealthy adversary, like steal from a rich aristocrat. They might oppose the Pathfinder Society by questing for the same object the Society seeks to acquire, either sending one of their own cells after it or hiring another adventuring party. They might blackmail the PCs using knowledge gleaned from the Braintree. The PCs might need to rescue the remains of a deceased ally from the Braintree and its cabal of alchemists, oracles, and necromancers so her spirit can rest in peace. Maybe the PCs just want to clear the good name of a friend who was executed unfairly.
Nice work everyone. I will post some comments when I get a better internet connection :)
The Opportunists:
Strong Points: The group is clearly antagonistic and lends itself to a wide variety of different uses.
Weak Points: The Opportunists are very much a generic thieves' guild. They have no special motivation, tactics or personality. The Opportunists lack not only flavor, but detail. Their structure is not at all clear to me; you say that they have no hierarchy, but also that they elect leaders annually. You've also got these nebulous "agents" assisting the group's members, but the agents aren't members themselves, so who are they and what is their incentive to work with the Opportunists? I have to fall back on stereotype to guess at the details you've omitted, which is unfortunate.
On a technical note, be careful with your adjectives, as you've got them applying to the wrong words (e.g., "skilled talents" and "greedy desires").
Suggestions for Improvement: The biggest problem with this entry is right at its heart: there's just nothing new or interesting about it. I suggest pushing yourself for more original and exciting concepts in the future. That doesn't mean you have to swear off venerable stereotypes like the thieves' guild, but if you use them, you have to transform them by breaking them out of their encrusted cliche. For example:
* change the stereotypical thieves' guild amorality to a strict, paladin-like moral code, complete with official Writs of Banditry warning the target that he's about to be robbed.
* change the cliche money-grubbing to an ascetic disdain for wealth... perhaps this thieves' guild steal valuables, then burns them to strengthen their nonattachment to material goods.
* or you could go with a straightforward, scummy, gold-hungry network of unscrupulous characters... only they're a jaded bunch of dispossessed druids rather than rogues.
You've got to give the reader something unexpected, otherwise there's no reason for him or her to keep reading.
As I discussed, a lot more detail would have been helpful, but that can come later. If I were you, I'd focus on conceptualization first.
Forgive the length, but when I give negative feedback, I want to explain myself and make some suggestions. Hope you find some useful feedback in there.
Basically, it's a social club, kind of like the social club the main protagonists use in Steven Brust's Khaavren Romances, but they act as consulting detectives, like Sherlock Holmes, except they're evil and have great wealth...
Rather than giving your organization the full treatment, I'll just point out that the information you've supplied us here is what we really needed in the entry. I notice that in this organization, as in the one you submitted, you dispensed with the blurb... that's where you should have put this basic, attention-grabbing description of the group's concept.
Don't get me wrong, I like the Headsman Club as written. However, the write-up suggests that the members mostly sit around and debate, whereas your description that I quoted above gets them out in the world and gives the GM something to hang a plot upon. It solidifies the group's feel, its role in the campaign and its MO all at once. In the future, I suggest that you don't let an entry leave your hands until you've got a flavorful summary phrase right near the top. "Using their wealth, their scholarly acumen, and the eldritch secret in their clubhouse basement, the gentlemen of the Headsman Club act as amoral consulting investigators to the perplexed." With that, I'm hooked and I'm ready to read a lot of details about names and places.
Man, I can imagine the character I'm playing right now being in this club. Upstairs or down. :)
The goals of the organization seem a touch lack luster to me.
Thanks for the feedback PhineasGage, I think you're right on target with the above comment, as I went through the other organizations I kept thinking I had failed to create something other than just another thieves' guild. Had I expanded the Sun Orchid Elixir connection or the Nightstalls interaction would that have helped, or is a thieves' guild just an over used design space that I should have avoided? Thanks again for your feedback.
The Opportunists are very much a generic thieves' guild. They have no special motivation, tactics or personality.
Thanks for the feedback OwlbearRepublic and I don't feel that it's negative, it's constructive and that's what I need as I learn the design goals of this contest and learn about Golarion. Had I expanded the Sun Orchid Elixir connection would that have addressed the lack of motivation or personality, or would that have the same pitfall of nothing unexpected and still not give enough flavor to the organization?
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The Severing Circle
I hope you guys like it.
Alignment: LN
Headquarters: Razmiran Underground
Leader: Moramarth (The Black Fate)
Structure: Rebels, and fanatics
Scope: Razmiran (spreading to the rest of Golarion)
Resources: Main presence in Razmiran as an underground organization. A small group travels trying to gather members to their cause and stop abusive magic users.
Introduction
The Severing Circle, is an underground movement founded in Razmiran. Formerly serving as a priest to Razmiran, Moramath witnessed the abuse of the people and could not sit idle and watch. He would manipulate orders covertly helping good people flee Razmiran’s rule. Some pledge allegiance to Moramarth and from there his movement grew. He eventually escaped, and joined those in the underground as their leader, using an information network to protect civilians.
Structure and Leadership
Leader
Moramarth issues orders to the Severing Circle from their Headquarters. If Moramarth dies another takes his place and takes the name Moramarth.
The Blade of Moramarth
Warriors who train as specialist spellcaster hunters. They travel and train giving courage to people afraid to stand against spellcasters.
The Hand of Moramarth
The Vanguard who protect people, using espionage and trickery to protect those in trouble, usually until the trouble has passed or the Blades have arrived.
The Eyes of Moramarth
Civilians who act as informants for the Severing Circle and providing a safe haven for members that need it.
Goals
The Severing Circle follow a series of guidelines that they live by and defend fanatically
1. Protect the innocent and free the oppressed.
2. Magic in all its forms is a danger to a spell caster and those around him
3. Ward yourself against those who use spells to bring pain, suffering or oppression.
4. Drive your blade deep into the heart of those who would use spells for nefarious purposes.
5. Home is a safe place and must be provided for all those wishing to live good and free
6. Never bring pain or suffering to your home
Public Perception
In Razmiran they are feared and shunned because of the severe consequences that were imposed by the High Priests for speaking of them or associating with them in any way. Others secretly hail them as the saviors.
Across Golarion they are often seen as a small group of Spellcaster hunters or blessings to those suffering the plight of evil spellcasters, clerics, necromancers and the like. Others view them as a threat to all spellcaster.
I too kept to the time limit, though after reading a few of the 32 I made sure to up my conflict :) enjoy.
The Diamond Apex
Diamond Apex
Alignment:LN
Headquarters: Cassomir Campus Unicersity; Cassomir, Taldor
Leader: Hontanz vin Cutdeer, Headmaster
StructureMage-crafting university
Scope: Inner Sea Region
Resources:The Apex believes magic items put great power into careless hands. They cite the decadence of the Taldor’s current nobility and key points in the Grand Conflict and the Even Tongued Campaign, as magic’s corrupting power.
Cassomir Campus University is a small keep near the outskirts of Cassomir. It hosts forges, alchemical labs and lecture halls for teaching potion brewing, wandlore, arms and other magical creations. Many tomes on magic item creation climb the shelves of the keep’s library. Secret catacombs hold a large collection of minor magic items. An undisclosed second location stores more powerful magic items. The Diamond Apex has an extensive listing of artifact’s locations (confirmed and rumored) and closely watch these items.
Structure and LeadershipThe Apex has a faculty of 18 including four Deans: Potions, Wands, Arms, and Mareltems. The Bursar, Provost, and Headmaster lead the organization. Numerous ‘graduates’ seek magic items in their area throughout the Inner Sea region. Graduates run shops of a magical nature using the Apex as a distributor of needed magical ingredients or as an outlet for magical overstock. The Graduates also collect information on people seeking and selling dangerous magic and report to their Major Faculty. Monthly these reports are brought to the Bursar, Provost, and Headmaster who decide if the items or people need to be contained.
GoalsThe Diamond Apex hoards magic items for the ‘protection’ of the people They seek to control magic items and destroy careless magic-wielders. Their graduates attach scrying spells to ‘common’ potions or wands to keep an eye on treasure seekers. The Diamond Apex thins adventuring ranks by supplying minor items to gnoll tribes, giant chieftans and other dangerous hands. The Apex feels certain decadent, arcane-obsessed Taldoran's prevents the Empire’s return to glory and plan to destroy them. Several faculty and the Bursar, as the oldest daughters of their respective families, will support Princess Eurtropia’s succession to the throne with the catacomb’s hidden resources.
Public Perception The Diamond Apex to most people is a label on a purchased charm, potion, or wand. In Cassomir, the university is a source for magic items. Among those wishing to learn the craft of magic items they are a school of note, though few are aware of catacombs.
Kleppen Ghar Company
Alignment: LE
Headquarters: Fort Harraggnule in the darklands beneath the Five Kings Mountains
Leader: Garkken Firebrond and Morgrym the Fiery Fist
Structure: Dwarven paramilitary group
Scope: National (The Five Kings Mountains)
Resources: Fort Harraggnule, several dozen expert military sappers and engineers, vast amounts of treasure collected from payouts and raids
The Kleppen Ghar Company is a group of highly trained dwarven mercenaries who specialize in guerrilla tactics and lightning raids. They originated as a group of military sappers under the rule of King Ordrick’s theocracy. They now pirate the darklands and are occasionally employed by warlords and despots to harass their enemies and spread fear among the populace. “Kleppen Ghar” means “black ants” in dwarven which refers to the company’s tactic of tunneling up under a village or castle to erupt from the ground like angry ants, and afterward retreat into their holes as quickly as they came.
Structure and Leadership
The remnants of the original Company, comprising a few dozen aged dwarves, now serve as commanders over younger members recruited throughout the ages from the dregs of dwarven society. The oldest of these commanders is Captain Garkken Firebrond, a grey-bearded dwarf entering the early stages of senility. Garkken is truly ancient; as the original captain of the Company he served under King Ordrick himself. Until recently he commanded the Company directly, but now he is much too old to do so and defers much of the responsibility to his trusted lieutenant, Morgrym the Fiery Fist.
Goals
The rank and file soldiers are primarily motivated by the spoils of their raids, but the elder commanders still honor the fallen theocracy of Ordrick and have long sought to punish those dwarves who abandoned Droskar’s Kingdom long ago. Garkken still guides the Company through Morgrym from Harraggnule, a hidden fortress deep in the darklands, and in the down time between paid missions the company harasses dwarven trade above ground and any adventurers they find underground; however, in his growing senility Garkken sends the company out on ever bolder raids deep into the Five Kings Mountains.
Public Perception
The reputation of the Company strikes terror in the public. Some believe they’re not dwarves at all but ravenous monsters. Any who have experienced a Kleppen Ghar raid tell horrific tales of a night when the ground opened up and an army of black ants poured forth to destroy everything in sight.
Curaigh, I had a similar thought to that one, but was really worried about it coming across too much like "Warehouse 13." Granted, I'm still mostly skimming things, but I think you did a nice job avoiding that concern -- they don't feel too similar at all.
I think you played nicely with the university setting (also considered a similar HQ for one of my alternate organizations) and I really like your structure.
My one concern would be that I'm still not sure it's antagonistic ENOUGH -- I think you might have needed to play that up just a bit more. But other than that, I think it's a nice idea, and very well presented.
Coming to this realization sold me on it. I definitely think its something I'd include in my own games.it's not like the PC's go around town with giant signs on their backs that read, "I'm a PC." either).
The average commoner isn't able to afford magical healing, even if it is more commonplace than other campaign settings, and certainly not the kind of healing that cures diseases.
Bolded for my emphasis. No matter what any credentialed judge can say about anything one writes, this statement from a fellow gamer is highest praise that there can be. I'm glad you like the organization, and I hope it does enrich your game. Many thanks.
Here’s my would-be attempt... though I can’t really say that. Writing at my leisure without the pressure and strict deadline isn’t the same as what the superstars did.
Anyway, any feedback is welcome.
Platinum Sharks
Alignment: LE
Headquarters: Kerse, Druma; The Ice Diamond. This angular palace of white marble and glass resembles a giant cut diamond.
Leader: Ariani Drysor (The Smiling Shark)
Structure: Mutual Company
Scope: National
Resources: Real property, liquid assets and equity worth millions of gold piece across Druma.
The Platinum Sharks mutual investment company was founded by Ysblenn Aur in 4639 AR, shortly after inheriting his parents’ infamous usury business. Within a decade the detested syndicate transformed into the most powerful company in Druma. There isn’t an industry within its boarders that they don’t have a hand in, if not control. Its members include the wealthiest and most talented businesspeople in Avistan. Though an investment from the Platinum Sharks means ceding significant control of a merchant’s business, it virtually guarantees market dominance.
Structure and Leadership
The organization of the Platinum Sharks is structured so as to achieve the highest levels of efficiency, loyalty and personal wealth for its members. The executive, a rotund middle-aged woman known for unflappable cheeriness and consummate ruthlessness, and the board of investors, a small group of wealthy venture capitalists, comprise the top tier. Below them are the membership committee and the enforcers. The third tier is composed of various analysts, advisers and administrators. The bottom tier includes clerks, guards, and domiciliary staff. All members are vested in the organization. Everyone contributes to the investment pool and shares in the revenues (and losses) to some degree.
Goals
The Platinum Sharks seek to amass wealth and power by owning a portion of every successful business and valuable commercial asset within Druma. They provide clients with capital in exchange for equity in and limited control of their business. Generating the highest return on investment is the organisation's goal. They have no qualms about doing whatever most effectively achieves this goal. The enforcers ensure clients and members alike comply with their contract terms through threats or violence and stimulate dividend income by nefarious means, such as espionage and sabotaging clients’ competitors.
Public Perception
Financial superstars in a wealth-obsessed culture, the Platinum Sharks are admired or reviled, but never ignored. Belonging to the organization is so prestigious even low-level members are revered on the same level as merchant lords. Their regular use of heinous tactics is Druma’s biggest open secret. More dubious though, is the perfunctory manner most members treat the Prophecies of Kalistrade’s behavioral restrictions.
More reviews. Just so everyone is aware, I'm not saying that my perspective is on the money. I just know that I really value when someone looks at what I've written with a critcal eye, and so I'm doing my best to pass that on.
Regarding layout, I don’t think “Razmiran Underground” really gives me a good feel for a headquarters. If I were going to add this into a game I’m running I would have to actually come up with a physical “place” myself, even if that’s only a particular alley where members meet briefly to whisper plans before moving on.
In regards to the concept, it seems to be an underground railroad Razmiran style, which I think is a cool idea. I’m missing the flavor a bit though I think. Again, this probably comes back to writing style and rewriting and reworking things (which I have to remind myself to do and was pointed out as a weakness in my own organization write up).
So, not a bad concept all in all, the writing could use some clean up and more descriptive flavor, but where I think it misses the mark is a lack of antagonism. I know, I know, there’s the whole “against all spellcasters” thing, but to be honest, that part felt a little tacked on. While I was reading the outline all I could think about was, “any group of good aligned PCs is going to want to pitch in and help the cause here!” By and large I think most groups would end up working for the Severing Circle, rather than oppose them. Perhaps the intent was a larger international presence where spellcasters are hunted down, but as written it seemed to me more focused on the underground railroad aspect.
I’d be interested to see what a re-write looks like.
Hrm…that was kinda rough…again please take what I say with a grain of salt and note that I’m no judge, nor did I make it into this contest either!
First, why is the organization’s beliefs listed as a resource? I think you’ve got the two sections backwards template-wise. I realize that flipping them around would mean you’d have to cut out the descriptive visuals, but I think had you submitted this entry you would have been dinged for that.
Okay, so a group of magic hoarders, who don’t want to see powerful items fall into the wrong hands. Makes sense, and I suppose I could see the potential for conflict with a PC if one were using a particularly high powered magical item for personal gain.
I don’t really understand the name. I could be missing something though (looking back at other orgs I’ve reviewed, I usually am!)
Whoa, they give magical items to bands of gnolls or giant chieftains to “thin” adventuring parties!? I think you might want to rethink the alignment on this group. I know alignment battles can rage on endlessly until all parties are unsure about what their views on the system actually are, but that certainly seems a bit more LE to me.
With a little more weight in this area, and maybe couching them as a bit more nefarious, but with good (well…to them anyways) intentions and I think this would make a good plot point. I can already hear players saying something like, “that’s the third wand we’ve found on these gnolls with that label inscribed in the bottom. I think there’s something fishy going on here….” Ensue investigations and plot thickening.
All in all, with a slightly greater lean towards being more evil, or aggressive, or whatever you’d like to call it, I think I would really have liked this.
I dig the name.
Ooo…LE, I typically like lawful evil organizations.
Format looks tight.
So, they’re a group of mercs. Almost lots me right there, since the whole mercenary company thing seems like it’s been pretty overdone (and certainly didn’t get a lot of love from the judges this year). You brought me back with the visuals though, adding in the portion about the “red ants” gave me a clear picture right off the hop about how this group might be a little different.
I would liked to have seen some a bit more in regards to goals. Maybe I’m just not feeling the whole “punish the dwarves” thing, but I didn’t get much more than my first impression from this, which was that they’re another mercenary group, albeit with interesting tactics.
“the company harasses dwarven trade above ground and any adventurers they find underground” – I kinda feel it’s a touch weak on the antagonism side of things. Sort of like, if the PCs happen to be underground or around dwarven communities here’s some generic conflict.
Might be something I’d throw in for cool visuals and to tie into a larger plot having more to do with who hired the Company.
An investment group? Hrm…Druma certainly fits, but I’m not sure how I feel about things.
Having their hands in almost everything in Druma to me feels a bit like you’re rewriting canon, as opposed to adding to it. I can’t be certain on this of course, not having gone through and read everything there is about Druma, but it sort of felt to me that an organization this powerful would have already had a significant influence on other powers which have already been described. Make sense?
Regarding antagonism, I’d probably have to draw some strings to make it work. For example, if the PCs don’t have anything invested (and why would they? but more on that in a second) or aren’t doing any business deals there’s not really any inherent conflict. They certainly might be called upon to help someone else who’s in this situation, and there would be suitable conflict there, but it would take at least someone putting the PCs up to it in my perspective.
I wanted to like this one, I really did, but the more I read, the more it felt less and less like medieval fantasy and didn’t match my feel for Golarion. Maybe it fits with yours, or others, but my Golarion doesn’t really have “boards of investors,” “venture capitalists,” or “analysts,” and most merchants want to get rich, but don’t really use words like “dividends.”
For others this might be just the right thing, for me it was a bit too real life and not enough fantasy.
So...I feel a bit bad, and I think I might have been a touch harsh. Perhaps this is me longing for the weekend after a very long week. As always, if anyone has a rebuttal or wants to discuss feel free to fire away!
Star Voter Season 6
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The hook that kept dragging me back to this concept was how little I read about what happens to dead adventurers in dungeons/crypts/lairs/caverns who don't have a party willing or able to drag their corpse out of whatever goblin gangbang they dropped into.
These dead level 1 warriors and sorcerers have families, lovers, mage academy loan debtors--someone out there will want the remains and effects of their loved (or indentured) one. People take out life insurance policies all the time.
I'd love to see the actuarial table on an adventuring 1st level bard.
"Yes, I would like to insure the life of my nephew before he sets out on his adventures."
"Level?"
"1st."
"Class?"
"Bard."
"Coverage desired?"
"1000 gp."
"Your premium will be 999 gp, and we anticipate we will miss that gold piece dearly."
Don't feel bad Phineas, your doing a great job. Thanks for the critique.
I havent had much time to tidy this up, so it's pretty raw - I'm concentrating on catching up my reviews - almost done on the items now and made a start on the organisations.
So, in the spirit of share and enjoy...
Here's what I was working on in preparation for round 2.
Leavers of the Sky (384 words)
Alignment: N
Headquarters: Four Brothers House, Highhelm
Leader: Morgrym Barrowdown, known as Silverbeard
Structure: Multinational Corporation
Scope: Global
Resources: A huge dungeon complex beneath Highhelm, and many small holdings Golarion wide where individual dwarves monitor for resurfacing dwarven artefacts, talk of discovered passages that run deep and identification of new rising powers.
The membership of this organisation consists entirely of Dwarves who strive towards reopening the ways back to the long lost ancestral homes, turning their backs on the Sky Citadels and the surface world. They believe that dwarven society will become extinct unless they can reclaim their lost ancestral lands.
Structure and Leadership
This organisation was formed by four dwarven brothers, two centuries ago, when their desire to find their ancestral roots became their driving ambition.
The eldest, Silverbeard, took the mantle of overseer and final arbitrator of the council of three. His three brothers form the leading council, each dealing with a subdivision of activity towards the shared goal.
One is responsible for the acquisition of recovered dwarven artefacts and lore, another with recruitment and the identification of rising powers arranging the approach for offering the construction of dungeons and lairs, the last dealing with construction, designing and population of new dungeons and lairs, using each as an opportunity to seek the elusive path home.
Goals
The dwarves have one simple goal, re-opening the way back to their ancestral homes, so safeguarding the future of the dwarven culture and race.
They will buy or steal recovered...
Since someone was nice enough to look at my organization I will do the same for others, and I will get caught up. I am 40 post behind the power curve at the moment.
With that said these guys do not seem like potential enemies. At least if they were evil as a GM I could say they are willing to do anything to make their goal come to fruition, even if it meant allying with a cult or demon.
I see them more as potential allies than antagonist.
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@PhineasGage
Nah you're right on the money there mate. I did kinda stop work on it as soon as the top 32 were announced. Thanks for the feedback. I agree with the PCS joining SC, but only once they have done some digging around. They were very private and on the surface, just hunt spell casters. The word count is a killer, when layering conspiracies and plots.
This is the idea I had way back in December that I stopped working on when the 32 were chosen. Needs polish and a 2nd draft but here it is.
Ascetic Order of Eternal Vigilance
Alignment: LE
Headquarters: Sihadraman, Vudra
Leaders: Paanjak Nibhanupudi, Mahavir Korrapati, and Rhada Bhavacharya
Structure: Cabal of maharaja rakshasa puppeting a quasi-religious monastic order of crusaders.
Scope: National (Vudra with some encroachment into the Inner Sea via Jalmeray)
Resources: Networks of sleeper agents, numerous properties, puppet leaders and liquid assets totalling millions of gold.
On the surface, members of the Ascetic Order of Eternal Vigilance, or the Vigilants, are dedicated crusaders against corruption and, especially, rakshasa. They are widely sought after as hunters of these creatures, bodyguards to defend against them, and advisors to avoid their influence. In reality, this once benign order has been subverted to serve the ends of the very creatures they are sworn to destroy. Through centuries spanning politics and application of wealth, their agents seek to transform the Impossible Kingdoms into an unchallenged tyranny, the catalyst for transformation that their leaders believe is needed for their final ascension.
Structure and Leadership
The Vigilants are organized into a strictly hierarchical system where promotion comes from how willing someone is to do bend and break their morals for the "greater good". Though the lower echelons might well be dedicated to their surface cause, the upper ranks are exclusively populated by rakshasa and the paradeshi, or rakshasa-kin. The entire organization is ruled over by a triumverate of maharaja rakshasa that have been working together over several incarnations.
Goals
Nothing less than the total subversion of the Impossible Kingdoms into the personal empire of the maharaja rakshasa that lord over the organization so that they may all ascend to rajadhirajas will satisfy the lust for power that these three possess. Through political manipulation, blackmail, and various other underhanded means they aquire through their front as a benign, and even revered, organization, they seek to change the course of Vudran history, replace the leadership with their proxies, and subvert the efforts of those who may have a chance of opposing them.
Public Perception
They are seen as a group of well-meaning aesetics and gurus that have dedicated their lives to rooting out corruption, namely the rakshasa that plague the Impossible Kingdoms. They are well liked and there are few civilized places in Vudra that does not boast one of their monastaries.
I'm going to have to come back to this once I've gotten into the items again. But in the meanwhile, here's my organization...
The Bookburners
Alignment: CG
Headquarters: The Forbidden Library, Lastwall
Leader: Raru Thasafir
Structure: Affiliation of splinter groups
Scope: global, though presence varies
Resources: Several properties within Vigil, and a small force of specially trained mercenaries. Individual splinter groups control little.
Where the Pathfinder Society is a group dedicated to the preservation and discovery of knowledge across Golarion, recording it and distributing it to the masses, the bookburners know not all knowledge is safe to be revealed. Their oath is simple: to keep that very knowledge away from those who seek it.
Most cells are not against learning in general, instead aiming to regulate taboo knowledge and prevent its spread. Their controversial name comes from their regular altercations against the pathfinder society, where the group often resorts to burning pathfinder journals, to keep the knowledge within from ever becoming public. [99/100 words]
Structure and Leadership
Despite their fragmented nature, the bookburners theoretically answer to a single man, deemed the lorekeeper of the order. The lorekeeper makes the ultimate decision on the fate of any particular knowledge, saving that which might be needed, destroying that which is too dangerous, and meting out punishment and reward amongst the cells as needed. The current lorekeeper is Raru Thasafir, a second cousin and advisor to Watcher-Lord Ulthin II.
The lorekeeper, and the upper echelon of the bookburners live and work in a cathedral called the Forbidden Library, which houses much dangerous knowledge on the outskirts of Vigil, Lastwall.[99/100 words]
Goals
Offically the bookburners are dedicated to the protection of society by moderation of knowledge, destroying it or sealing it away wherever possible. Different splinter groups, however, have different outlooks on the threat of such a vague thing as knowledge, and different goals besides. Many cells simply send any dangerous knowledge to The Forbidden Library allowing Raru and the heads of the organization to deal with it as they see fit.
Some groups, however, feel it better to horde and safeguard such dangerous knowledge themselves - though it threatens themselves and those they hold dear.
[93/100 words]
Public Perception
Outside of Lastwall, the bookburners are all but a secret society - often disdained for destruction of rare knowledge or magic. Within their homeland, however, they are nearly as respected as the Watcher-lord himself, with whom they often work in concert, protecting the Whispering Tyrant's tomb.
[46/50 words]
I havent had much time to tidy this up, so it's pretty raw - I'm concentrating on catching up my reviews - almost done on the items now and made a start on the organisations.
So, in the spirit of share and enjoy...
Here's what I was working on in preparation for round 2.
Leavers of the Sky
Since someone was nice enough to look at my organization I will do the same for others, and I will get caught up. I am 40 post behind the power curve at the moment.
With that said these guys do not seem like potential enemies. At least if they were evil as a GM I could say they are willing to do anything to make their goal come to fruition, even if it meant allying with a cult or demon.
I see them more as potential allies than antagonist.
Spot on for where I had gotten too, but like the others, I stopped working on it once I knew I hadnt made the list.
My intention was to take my starting point (which was a collection of dwarven ideals and history) and work on the antagonistic aspect as part of the review and cull stages.
In the final version, they would have been much more "catch you on leaving the dungeon/ en route to pathfinder hq, to stop and search you for drwarven artefacts and interrogate you on depth etc of the place you have left" - so they would have been more "retrieval hit squad" in the end I think.
They probably would have been evil in the end, but I went neutral initially as they didnt aim for evil acts, they just didnt care what they had to do to work towards their goals (which, in turn, wasnt an evil goal). They start by working within the law, but when thwarted, all bets were off.
That's a reasonable summation of where I would have hoped to be heading had I continued. Hope it helps.
RPG Superstar 2013
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Dedicated Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka Steven T. Helt
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Scions of Scorn
The first thing I detect immediately is a need to brush up on your writing skills before you enter another contest or make a submission. You aren't careful about passive voice, and use redundancies that halt the progress of your expression. A good example is "Safe houses, gold, and more safe houses".
Secondly, the Scions are only barely set in Golarion. They are obviously dropped into the world and not tied to the world. They don't feel like something a Pathfinder party could see somewhere else, but probably wouldn't.
Goals and activities need development. Tell me what they are up to currently, and what their specific long range plans are.
Finally, a few rebellious drow males who tire of the female cleric beatstick is a little tired as organizations and villains go. Drow are always cool, and the matriarchy of the society is hard to break away from. But it's not deep enough to be considered a Superstar entry.
I realize that some of these also-ran entries will be a little incomplete and would ahve shown better effort and polish if they'd actually made it to round 2, but I think it most helpful to stack up against the actual competitors and give serious feedback.
Voices of Fate:
Strong Points: The logic behind this group is intriguing. It fits canon nicely without interjecting itself too much into fundamental setting mysteries (as we've seen some other entries do). I appreciate that these villains have a motive that seems fairly reasonable from their perspective.
Weak Points: The Voices feel gimmicky to me. There's not much to them apart from their singular goal. They're sort of like the story equivalent of rust monsters... a "f*** you" delivery system to aim at PCs. Overall, the density of interesting details and story hooks in the entry is too low. By the end of the blurb, I had read just about everything exciting about this group; the rest of the entry just coasted along.
Suggestions for Improvement: Strong central ideas need expansion and diversification. I wanted to see more ways to use this group and I wanted to see the varied repercussions of their beliefs. For example, maybe they could run hospices using exclusively mundane healing and encouraging patrons to embrace death. Maybe they're considered chief enemies of the state in locations where a ruler has recently been raised. Maybe they try to reconstruct the "original" history of Golarion that the gods intended before mortals interfered with healing magic... they could have a huge mass grave that they intend to fill with everyone who shouldn't exist, then use as the foundation of a temple that will restore the power of prophecy. The point is, your idea suggests any number of specific and interesting elements. You just need to get beyond the premise and show us how cool your idea can be in play.
The Severing Circle:
Strong Points: I like your use of the Razmiran situation to justify a group that despises magic and yet fits into Golarion. Anti-magic groups in Golarion often seem implausible to me, but I buy this organization as a fanatical reaction against a bad local situation (I would have kept them regional, but still, Razmiran is a good choice).
Weak Points: As Phineas pointed out, your writing needs work. You should revisit nitty-gritty stuff like comma usage, tense, and how to construct a complete sentence. You've also got a couple of formatting errors: Your blurb has a heading (which it shouldn't) and your Structure and Leadership section is in list format.
As to content: The organization isn't quite antagonistic enough as written. You've also left a lot of key details to the imagination. Your description of the group is so top-level that I feel like I'm reading a brochure about them... I know their code and their mission, but I don't get a sense of what it's like to be one of them or to meet them as enemies.
Suggestions for Improvement: Prose is tough, but you've got to dig in and write to do your idea justice. You copped out by giving us a list of organizational departments in lieu of an Organization section and a list of rules where the Goals section was meant to be. As a result, neither section conveys enough flavor and detail to make your group attractive to GMs. You listed some interesting aspects of the group, but your list format buried them. Had you used your word count to develop your most interesting ideas (like the information network and the code against bringing trouble to your homeland), those couple of well-described elements would have conveyed your organization better than any number of bullet points.
Just a few comments, hopefully something that people find useful. I'll try to get to all posts as I have time.
“In return for taking on missions that strengthen the Scions of Scorn, the organization helps individuals based on past performances, and future potential to achieve their goals.”
This is what I would have liked to see expanded in greater detail. The missions could be antagonistic to PCs and create adversaries for them to encounter in future adventures.
A little more history on the aboleth invasion would have been great, but I know that’s tough to do with a limited word count.
Lots of quality stuff here; the Tarrasque connection is fun, stoking the fires of open war between feuding nations has immediate adventure potential, the monsters bred for sale in black markets grabs every GMs attention. Maybe the best part was how easy it was to read, yet packed with tons of information and detail. Definitely top 32 worthy and I probably would have given this one of my 8 votes this year, Great job!
Very creative, unique organization with lots of game potential. Big miss on the rare updraft sites, I expected to find Golarion geography connections to these essential sites that should be guarded with the zealousness of a religious cult and found it disappointing that they didn’t get mentioned again after the resources line. One thing I was left wondering about was the ships and if new ones could be created or if those dozen represented the only ones available. The flow of information is well done, good job getting so much into 400 words.
I like the Lovecraftian flavor and it provides an instant hook from a story telling standpoint. I got lost at first by the idea of these guys with shattered minds working together in an organized group, however you did address that at the end of the structure section, so maybe that tidbit would benefit from being presented earlier in the description. The flow of text makes it easy to imagine this group working in secret in society, yet being antagonistic to everyone including the PCs.
Great design choice on the coven of witches with a setting in the history of Golarion and a goal tied to their existence. Really good name for the group, it made sense all the way through the text. Right away this felt like something that should get used in an adventure, a story hook would be easy to establish and they would be antagonistic without being a base evil (even if they are evil). The few teasers on the patron known as Justice and the green hag’s motives are a good touch as they feel more like clues than secret information.
Big miss on the rare updraft sites...
Yeah, that's the line that convinced me to scrap the idea, so I never developed it further. After reading up on airships in Golarion and how controversial they are, I figured that I had to limit the scope of Eudego's operation. That led to the updraft sites; the idea is that the ships can't really fly through air, only on aether, and aether connections from land to space are quite rare. The mi-go knew where those sites were and marked them on a map that Eudego recovered. Thus they became the sites of Eudego's pirate operation, since those are the few points where the ships can fly, making them difficult to combat and chase. It also neatly explains why these airships look like sailing ships; the ships can touch down on Golarion using aether, but they can't leave their landing zones using starflight, so they have to use conventional propulsion to move around the planet.
But all of that is way too much to explain in 400 words, and without it, I felt that the modification I'd be making to Golarion would be too big for an assignment with this scope. So, I bid a painful goodbye to Eudego and wrote up The Thousand Needles, a group of Gokan rat-catchers whom I rather liked.
Thanks for the comments and the kind words.
Hmmm...Owlbear, it seems that we have some majorly different ideas on what this Round 2 assignment is supposed to convey.
First of all, most antagonistic organizations can be looked at as f*** the PCs. PCs don't wear signs that declare "I'm a PC, I've been raised from the dead and saved by healing magic six times in the past week". True, this organization may come to learn of a specific healing event that needs to be rectified, just like any other organization can learn that the PCs are in opposition to their goals, and choose to act.
But I think you should rethink your third paragraph before engaging in any more critiques. Those are all great suggestions of ways my organization could be used, creative and fits the theme and idea I had for them perfectly, just like PhineasGage's ideas earlier. If I had a full-page "Faction Guide-style" spread, I hope that I would have come up with some of those myself and included them, but with the 400 words I was allowed, I created an organization that inspired you to think of them for yourself. None of the top 32 organizations listed four or five different plot hooks or examples of their organization's nefarious schemes. They provided snapshots that serve as a basis for inspiration, showing the voting audience how these designers' ideas may be used, and that they actually have some mojo behind them.
Not to turn this into a measuring contest, but your own entry consists of some pirates on weird ships with some fungus guys. The pirates presumably do piratey things, but they're being taken over by the fungus guys, who just want to steal resources and leave the planet. That's not four or five completely varied plot hooks, but it's enough mojo for any GM to come up with those hooks on his own. Kudos for a nice entry.
First of all, most antagonistic organizations can be looked at as f*** the PCs. PCs don't wear signs that declare "I'm a PC, I've been raised from the dead and saved by healing magic six times in the past week".
I see your point, thus the rust monster analogy. All monsters typically attack the PCs, but some of them seem to exist to screw adventurers almost on a meta-game level. Similarly, all antagonist organizations are likely to oppose the PCs. However, this one reads like a designer invented it to antagonize PCs. That's hardly a fatal flaw; they are antagonists, after all. It's just a little too on-the-nose for my taste. Some additional breadth would have helped the organization seem less pointedly anti-PC.
Those are all great suggestions of ways my organization could be used, creative and fits the theme and idea I had for them perfectly, just like PhineasGage's ideas earlier. If I had a full-page "Faction Guide-style" spread, I hope that I would have come up with some of those myself and included them, but with the 400 words I was allowed, I created an organization that inspired you to think of them for yourself.
Obviously, the 400 word limit hit everybody hard. However, I think that specific, creative hooks are the wrong things to cut. It's tough, but you can fit tons of interesting specifics into the word count limit. To hold us both to an unfairly high standard, compare to my favorite entry of Round 2, the Riders of the Black Steppe. Here are some concrete, concise and table-ready ideas for using that group, quoted from the entry:
The Riders use this boon to launch surprise raids against foreign traders anywhere between Goka and the Spirit Road...Elder Oracle Odtsetseg and her circle of spellcasters, each of whom earns his or her place by taming a shantak as their mount...
Most are Tian-Las, but exceptional prisoners are sometimes offered membership...
The original Riders’ plan was to seize control of trade between Tian Xia and the western continents and become extravagantly wealthy...
The current generation of Riders have had to capture more prisoners than ever before to satisfy their alien creditors...
Although the Riders are welcomed when they bring gifts, the order to “go ride the black steppe” from your tribal elders is considered a severe punishment...
Kiriltai Khan sees them as a growing threat to his authority...
What I missed in your entry were these little tidbits, specific ideas about how to use your group in a variety of interesting ways. Concrete statements, however succinct, inspire the imagination better than generalities. Without them, a cool idea can start to seem abstract and underdeveloped.
You're right that many of the Top 32 lacked compelling details and hooks... if you read the threads, you'll find that I reviewed some of those orgs a lot more harshly than I did yours. :)
Anyway, that's all my opinion. Everybody's looking for something different in these entries. Now you know that voters like me, right or wrong, exist... use that information as you see fit.
Thanks for your comments on my fungus guys. Here's wishing us both good luck next year.