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Dreamstitchers
Alignment: CE
Headquarters: Dreamspun Bower, Court of Ether, the Darklands
Leaders: Sister Griselda
Structure: Smuggling ring
Scope: Regional
Resources: Magic items worth nearly one million gold pieces total, easily blackmailed clients, and spell-warded hideouts in backwoods and slums of much of Avistan and Garund
From refined pipe pesh to crystalline stolen dreams to happy memories distilled into sweet ambrosia, the Dreamstitchers trade in pleasures of many sorts. These witches, bards, and rogues collect their wares among the desperate and offer them to whomever can pay the price in treasure, memories, or favors of increasingly dubious morality. Many members claim to deliver their customers from the joyless constraints of "civilized" society into steady bliss, carefully hiding the origin of their esoteric magic among vile hags. Generally, they use bribery, blackmail, memory erasure, and threats of assassination to coerce officials and adventurers into staying out of the way.
Structure and Leadership
The first Dreamstitcher, a hag known as Sister Griselda, began with two witch apprentices, teaching them all she knew of manipulating dreams. They, in turn, gave Griselda the choicest treasures they could steal with her teachings and sold much more on the black market. Eventually, they moved on to recruit more shadowy allies. Over the past four centuries, they have spun an ever-widening web of mistresses and apprentices and criminal associates across the Inner Sea. Only the leaders know of activities beyond their immediate circle, preventing turncoat members from doing much damage to the Dreamstitchers as a whole.
Goals
Although most Dreamstitchers present themselves as enlightened agents of happiness, only a few of the most gullible and idealistic initiates believe it. Most merely use this philosophy as a way to lure in rich and influential customers. A small circle of Dreamstitchers needs only to hook a few high-profile targets on their addictive wares to nearly control a locale. Currently, Griselda is focused on getting key officials of Andoran in her pocket in order to destabilize the nation much like its revolution-torn neighbor Galt, making ever more customers desperate for an escape from reality’s woes.
Public Perception
Most people find the Dreamstitchers' dealings to be obviously shady in character, if an effective form of dalliance for those with discretion or little shame. However, those who feel oppressed by society's expectations sometimes wish so strongly for their promise of unfettered happiness to be true that they believe it regardless of common opinion.
Welcome to RPG Superstar, David. The contest takes a new spin at this level. As judges we're here to comment on your work both in the hopes of guiding you in honing your game design skills and also to help the voting public assess how you measure up. With that in mind, I'm going to talk a bit about what you did well and where I think you still need to demonstrate growth. So, let's see what we've got...
First off, I really like your organization's name. Short, simple, and memorable. Dreamstitchers puts an immediate image in your mind and it already sounds somewhat ominous. It sounds like an antagonistic organization that players could easily come to hate. I also like that you've based it around a group of smugglers trading in distillations of drugs, dreams, and memories. And, I like that you've made them far-reaching enough to feel like an organization PCs could encounter again and again as they go up in level. And, I like that you've got a hag witch functioning as your organization's leader. You don't specifically call it out, but I imagined her as a night hag and I would have liked to see you intimate some extraplanar connections as a result. I think you missed a great opportunity to really cement this idea and give us something that much more compelling.
In general, I think you write fairly well. I wasn't as keen about your initial lead-off sentence in the organization's description. I think you kind of buried your lead there with the list of things Dreamstitchers involve themselves with. I think it would have come off stronger if you started out with "The Dreamstitchers..." as your subject and then told us about all the illicit goods in which they traffic. I also felt like you just didn't punch this up high enough. I'd have liked to see you explain more about their operations (and how they vary) in different places. Have them mingling in Katapesh, for sure. Maybe they find it easier to operate in Rahadoum without any priesthoods there to vex them. Maybe they go into shadowy Nidal or capitalize on the decadence of Taldor and its tarnished history.
A good trick for properly framing new NPCs or organizations is to outline for yourself three key locales that concern them. Then, establish why each of those locales are important to them. What are they doing there? How do all those locations contribute to their main goal? Where do they retreat in times of trouble? Where are they strongest? Where are they weakest, but trying to build up their strength? By describing some of these things, you'll quickly establish for a GM the areas in which he or she can hang plot hooks to help round out their own campaign. Basically, you should strive to build "doors" that will lead the reader to ponder what's behind them. Your writing can then give them a brief glimpse of what waits on the other side, but it leaves enough of it undefined that GMs can still layer on whatever else they feel inspired to include. If you can build that kind of thinking into your designs, you'll go pretty far.
Okay. So, how do I assess your submission for this round? Well, I think you wrote it up reasonably well. I don't think you jazzed it up quite enough. You left too many stones unturned and missed some opportunities here. But, I do find the core idea for your organization somewhat interesting. With further refinement, I could take a great amount of inspiration from it.
So, I DO RECOMMEND that this organization advance you to the next round.
The other judges may feel differently, but I'd like to see what else you can craft for us in another assignment. And your clockwork conscience has already proven to be pretty popular in most folks' Top 5 favorite wondrous items. Ultimately, it'll be up to them to decide your fate this round. And I wish you the best of luck in the exit polls.
David, welcome to Round 2!
What you are getting from me in this critique: This round is all about conflict and story. I think the best organizations create interesting and compelling groups that will come into conflict with the PCs. My comments, and my recommendation, will focus on how well you do that. My comments will also focus on writing and use of your allotted content in achieving your goals. What you won't get from me: I don't have the total Golarion-fu that Neil and Sean do, so I will leave to them whether you got the nitty gritty details of some of the setting stuff to them (though apparently I did have enough Golarion-fu to know its Pharasmin not Pharasmian, you know who you are).
So here we go!
Initial Impression: Treasure-stealing dream hags! Fun!
Concept (name, title, is it an organization?, overall design choices, is the organization and antagonist and does it create direct conflict for the PCs?, playability): B+
The Good: Great name! Simple, evocative, seems a bit creepy, really captures the essence of the organization. Well done! I also like the hinted at locations—the Dreamspun Bower, etc. Great stuff. I should also note I found this concept to be very flexible—the organization is loose enough that it would be very easy to work into any campaign. Great design choice. Very playable. Brings good conflict, because goodness knows every GM at one point or another wants to take an item from a PC or sends the PCs after an item (is there a game more full of “find the macguffin” than D&D?) and these hags would come in direct conflict with them.
The Not So Good: I have to admit, this hit me kind of jarringly—they aren’t smugglers, they are thieves. Smugglers bring illegal goods into a place where they are not legal. That’s not what this group does. They just steal stuff. Maybe I’m being hyper-technical, but that bothered me and as your developer you would have gotten a note on that. You also didn't really maximize conflict--see below.
Execution (quality of writing, hook, theme, organization, use of proper format, quality of mandatory content, did you milk your idea for all it was worth? did you use your allotted space well?): C+
The Good: You started strong, but I think you stayed a bit hazy after that first paragraph. Your formatting is good and you show some freelancer mojo. I like Sister Griselda (her concept) and your choice that she is a hag (though I don’t like her name)
The Not So Good: I just didn’t get enough specifics from you. I’m disappointed that the only NPC suggested by this is the founder, Sister Griselda. I think you missed a chance there to create another evocative NPC (those two initial apprentices, for instance, just cry out to be given at least names). I also don’t like the name Sister Griselda. It’s too unoriginal. As noted above, your first paragraph was strong but the rest was a bit hazy and not filled in—some of Neil’s “glittering generalities,” as he says. I also think you failed to put in some hooks—sure this organization could come into contact with the PCs and has the ability to do so, I wanted you to tell me some plans or goals or nefarious schemes that bring them into a collision course with PCs. I didn’t feel that with this submission. Though they are not stated, they are at least implied and easily imagined as opposed to simply unstated.
Tilt (did it grab me?, is it unique and cool?, do I like it?, flavor, are you showing Superstar mojo?): C+
The name really hooked me and I like the core idea of hags and a web of agents that are item procurers but I’m just not sure this got fully baked. Your writing was also surprisingly weak in parts, as if you spent a lot of time on the first half of it and way less time on the second half.
Overall: B-
A good core concept of dream hags, but one that fails to deliver 100%--but it does enough to get my nod, though just barely.
Recommendation: I DO recommend this organization submission for advancement, based in part on the strength of your item submission. I’ll admit, I am on the cusp on this one. There is a lot of good stuff here, but it has some real faults, too. It is only because of how much I like your item I am giving you the benefit of the doubt.
David, I am a huge fan of the clockwork conscience, and perhaps the voters will keep that in mind and overlook some of the weaknesses of this entry as I did. I don’t think this is your best. Good luck! And if you make it to the next round, you better step it up!
Good name, good concept. With the backstory about the hags and dreams, I can see these creepies peddling mundane drugs, magical intoxicants, or even living creatures that provide similar effects ("pluck this fairy's wings, crush them into a powder, and snort them for a night of bliss".
There are plenty of hooks to get the PCs involved--standard law enforcement roles, drugged-out people going missing, exotic creatures disappearing, local druids asking for help dealing with poachers, detoxing a noble before a big event, and so on (you could even have them plant drugs on a PC or dose a PC at a critical time).
I like that they're publicly known, yet have a shady underside. In a campaign, you'd probably want to tie them to Katapesh (or have the PCs encounter them there for the first time) so it's clear they're a legit business in at least some parts of the world.
I like how you leave the power level ambiguous instead of stating what kind of hag Griselda is... if the PCs take on the Dreamstitchers, you have multiple options for the CR/level of the leaders and lieutenants.
I recommend this to advance!
They're drug dealers. The drug they deal in is memories. Other than that, nothing special. I've read cyberpunk with this premise - and cyberpunk was a better venue than a fantasy setting.
The organization is rich beyond dreams of avarice. Why do they still deal? Why not demonetize their actions making themselves even harder to trace?
The organization has no meaningful NPCs (there's a hag drug dealer who has recruited other drug dealers; not much meat on that bone), no interesting place to play in the world (no power group is going to destabilize any of the Inner Sea nations without a massive investment of effort by Paizo to justify such a change), and isn't connected to the Pathfinder IP - this group would function as well in a Star Trek episode as it does here.
I do not recommend that you vote for this designer.
: Competitors, remember this item from the Round 2 FAQ, which reminds competitors about the rule against commenting about their own submissions. We're pasting this reminder into the last judge comment for every organization just to make sure all competitors see it and remember.
RPG Superstar 2012 Top 32
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Champion Voter Season 6, Champion Voter Season 7, Champion Voter Season 8, Champion Voter Season 9
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I am not a big fan of heavy drug use in games. I often play with youngsters and would be unable to use such an org. Too much adult content for my games and limits the audience.
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I am not a big fan of heavy drug use in games. I often play with youngsters and would be unable to use such an org. Too much adult content for my games and limits the audience.
Even if the drug use was portrayed as bad and wasting?
(I admit that I am one of the people that think that "Requiem For a Dream" should be a obligatory viewing in highschool)|
RPG Superstar 2012 Top 32
,
Champion Voter Season 6, Champion Voter Season 7, Champion Voter Season 8, Champion Voter Season 9
|
I am not a big fan of heavy drug use in games. I often play with youngsters and would be unable to use such an org. Too much adult content for my games and limits the audience.Even if the drug use was portrayed as bad and wasting?
(I admit that I am one of the people that think that "Requiem For a Dream" should be a obligatory viewing in highschool)
I could see that for high school. But I have a 11 year old player and this is a territory I dare not tread.
For a mature group this idea would prolly be appealing. Reminds me of the Hutts, slinging ryll and glitterstem in the allies.
I could see that for high school. But I have a 11 year old player and this is a territory I dare not tread.I am not a big fan of heavy drug use in games. I often play with youngsters and would be unable to use such an org. Too much adult content for my games and limits the audience.Even if the drug use was portrayed as bad and wasting?
(I admit that I am one of the people that think that "Requiem For a Dream" should be a obligatory viewing in highschool)
A matter for whole topic, if, how and when introduce youngsters to warning about the drug abuse (both completely illegal and medical drugs overuse). If you are parent you could consider including it as a warning, but I would start with "smoking is bad", "overuse of alcohol is bad" and later move to "there are worse habits than smoking and alcohol".
Thank you very much for your thoughts on my designs, everyone. I will take the positive and negative feedback to heart in the future (and reply to your posts when I am allowed to do so after the voting ends).
I hope I can count on your votes once you've considered all the contenders! :)
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I like it, but if it weren't for the last sentence under "Goals", I probably wouldn't vote for it.
It's a great organization, but it doesn't scream SuperStar to me... except for that sentence. I needed more from that. I think that sentence should be your lead, your shining aspect of this org. I wanted to be afraid of their power and influence, but aside from that one sentence I get a "Oh those guys? They're harmless, just some pesh like every other peddler" feeling.
I love that you brought up that they want Andoran to be more like Galt. Reading between the lines, it gives the impression that they might have something to do with that countries constant instability, but doesn't come out and say it, leaving the GM to do with it as he pleases. More importantly, fleshing out in that direction would have given you a stronger tie to Golarion IP, which I have to agree with the judges that it desperately needed.
Based on that sentence, I'm going to take a risk that you have more of that sentence in you for further rounds.
This organization intrigued me greatly. Sure, drug syndicates are done in nearly every setting, but they invite so many opportunities to highlight corruption and influence an ongoing story line. I also very much liked how you presented the organization - the writing kept me captivated and didn't bore me, which is the cardinal sin in these second-round entries most years (this one included).
I voted for this entry.
I don't see anything here but drug-dealers. The founders were a hag and two witches, but you make no use of that fact. You gloss over the other members as "shadowy allies." The group's goal is profit, its methods are typical of drug-dealers and it has a decentralized organization with neither special flavor nor unifying traits. You piqued my interest by mentioning that the original witches in the group stole using their dream magic rather than just selling drugs, but you never touched on that again.
These guys are just drug-dealers.
Some of the writing here is pretty sloppy, too. The Public Perception section is trite and awkward. The first sentence goes way off the rails with its word usage: the "Dreamstitchers' dealings [are] an effective form of dalliance for those with discretion or little shame." What is an "effective form of dalliance," and how does it connect to the "Dreamstitchers' dealings," which presumably means drug-pushing? Your entry concludes by noting that the Dreamstitchers' customers are "oppressed by society's expectations," which strikes an incongruous and frankly whiny note.
I get the strong sense that your best ideas for this group never made it to the page. One danger of working from a familiar template like "merchant association" or "drug cartel" is that if you cut the wrong content, you end up with nothing but a cliche left behind. I'm afraid that's what happened here, at least to my eye.
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I quite like this one. A very evocative name, a good overall concept and I can really see this organisation as a fun and creepy antagonist in a game.
There are some flaws, and I wish you had made more mention of the fey that are (presumably, given the headquarters and trade) part of the organisation. But overall pretty good.
Fairly certain that I will vote for this entry.
Good work and good luck David.
There's some really clunky writing hear, to my ear. They "collect their wares among the desperate"? What does that mean? The one that really bugged me was "carefully hiding the origin of their esoteric magic among vile hags."
"Oh no! The feds are coming!"
"Oh, CRAP! Quick, we gotta hide this origin of our esoteric magic!"
"Hurry! Shove it in that pile of vile hags over in the corner, and let's get out of here!"
This entry just didn't gel for me, I'm afraid. I see what the judges were enthused about, but I feel like you glossed over the most important part - what the group sells, and how they get it. Are they selling drugs, or memories? It sounds like both. (Are they collecting drugs from amongst the desperate?) How do they get memories? What, exactly, is going on here? And what about their wares is so addictive and so inevitably leading to despair? Wait, they sell their wares - memories - to whoever can pay their price - memories?
I just don't feel like I understand how this group functions in-play. If my PCs met agents, I wouldn't know how to run them. If they tried to stuck a deal, I'd be at a total loss - I don't know what they would want, nor how to run the mechanical side.
I'm not saying it's a bad entry - it's a cool idea. It's flavorful, it's got a lot of potential for interesting involvement. But I feel like it isn't solid. Alas :-/
I know who I'm sending in to combat these Dreamstitchers:
David,
There is a lot to like here with the Dreamstitchers. (I think it was Sean that pointed out that it was cool how you left the leader somewhat undefined, allowing her to be tailored to the needs of specific adventuring party's power levels). Good job.
You've got my vote. Good luck making it into Round 3. I'm curious to see what your monster might be.
~Dean
Between the name and themes I would have expected to see more references to fey.
This is probably the first solid organization where I find myself not caring about the leadership or structure. The drug dealings are the most compelling part and it supports numerous hooks.
Moody name, fairly standard dealer types with mystical overtones and origins. So it's a bit clunky, but the atmosphere wins me over... Well done! Your item rocked from concept to execution so I want to see what you've got further down the track...
Okay, it's time for the reveal soon, so I'll be sure to wish you good luck! Also, no matter the results, remember that the top 32 are, according to what has been said, around the top 2% of all the people, who submitted! It's well done, and congratualtions on it, no matter what happens here.
That detour apart, let's look at you organization. My perspective on this round is a little more stressful that on the items, as I'm busy in this period, so my reviews won't be as detailed. I wasn't a huge fan of your item, so I didn't really expect to like your organization - strangely though, I liked the idea.
The good parts in your design is clear here. The idea is both flexible, yet well enough defined that I can use it without extensive work.
Your writing can still use work, but it's good enough really. It just could be more amazing.
The organization will definitely have antagonist potential against most PCs (though, it could probably be used in other roles, which is not necessarily a weakness).
The leader could have been more clearly defined, but giving me some movement space with loose things like an organization sits just fine with me. I could have used a few more NPCs, but it's probably nothing I can't handle easily.
I should have liked to see a surface HQ, or fake HQ described, say, in Katapesh.
The thing that bothers me the most about this organization is probably that I can't quite figure exactly what they're up to. The goal of "destabilize a nation to get more customers" just asks the question of "and why do they even want customers in the first place? What are they gathering resources for?" I don't think you give me quite enough there, but what is there will work well enough for a shorter campaign with the organization.
Generally you have a good idea here. I might well send a vote this way, as the organization so far strikes me as one of the stronger entries of this round. I'll probably have to double-check your item and the rest of the organizations to make a choice here, but no matter what it's a good bit of work.
Best of luck.
Vote given, best of luck...
Like the name, love the concept! This one got my attention and makes me want to read more. This is my favorite I've read and is getting my vote.
Thanks for the praise and criticism, everyone. I've taken this advice to heart regarding writing under a very limited word count and making strong impressions quickly in general.
I also felt like you just didn't punch this up high enough. I'd have liked to see you explain more about their operations (and how they vary) in different places. Have them mingling in Katapesh, for sure. Maybe they find it easier to operate in Rahadoum without any priesthoods there to vex them. Maybe they go into shadowy Nidal or capitalize on the decadence of Taldor and its tarnished history.
In retrospect, I think I would have included a few of these sorts of mentions, especially highlighting vividly how the Dreamstitchers smuggle illicit drugs and magical substances from places where they are legal (such as Katapesh and the Court of Ether) to places where they are not, rather than only indirectly implying it as I did in the above version of my entry.
The Not So Good: I have to admit, this hit me kind of jarringly—they aren’t smugglers, they are thieves. Smugglers bring illegal goods into a place where they are not legal. That’s not what this group does. They just steal stuff.
Actually, they acquire things by blackmail and fair trade (that's the "price" I mentioned in the description) as well as thievery, and they do smuggle by hiding the true nature of what they peddle in places where their drugs or magical compounds are illegal. However, it seems I glossed over that too quickly (it's really only implied) and made it easy to miss. Definitely something I would revise if I could do this entry over again.
I just didn’t get enough specifics from you. I’m disappointed that the only NPC suggested by this is the founder, Sister Griselda. I think you missed a chance there to create another evocative NPC (those two initial apprentices, for instance, just cry out to be given at least names). I also don’t like the name Sister Griselda. It’s too unoriginal. As noted above, your first paragraph was strong but the rest was a bit hazy and not filled in—some of Neil’s “glittering generalities,” as he says.
And I think that gets at the heart of where I went wrong in this challenge. Although I'm proud of the concept, I should have let a few words to do the work that I spent so many words describing in glittering generalities--just mention it smuggles and barters and then move on to vivid, specific examples to maximize usefulness of this very short introduction. This was a learning experience.
Good name, good concept. With the backstory about the hags and dreams, I can see these creepies peddling mundane drugs, magical intoxicants, or even living creatures that provide similar effects ("pluck this fairy's wings, crush them into a powder, and snort them for a night of bliss".
There are plenty of hooks to get the PCs involved--standard law enforcement roles, drugged-out people going missing, exotic creatures disappearing, local druids asking for help dealing with poachers, detoxing a noble before a big event, and so on (you could even have them plant drugs on a PC or dose a PC at a critical time).
I like that they're publicly known, yet have a shady underside. In a campaign, you'd probably want to tie them to Katapesh (or have the PCs encounter them there for the first time) so it's clear they're a legit business in at least some parts of the world.
I like how you leave the power level ambiguous instead of stating what kind of hag Griselda is... if the PCs take on the Dreamstitchers, you have multiple options for the CR/level of the leaders and lieutenants.
I recommend this to advance!
Thanks Sean! This is exactly the reaction I was hoping to elicit, and I'm thrilled to see it came through for you. :)
It's a great organization, but it doesn't scream SuperStar to me... except for that sentence. I needed more from that. I think that sentence should be your lead, your shining aspect of this org. I wanted to be afraid of their power and influence, but aside from that one sentence I get a "Oh those guys? They're harmless, just some pesh like every other peddler" feeling.
Now, I wanted that to be the player's initial reaction to them, so that they could be built up as unsuspected behind-the-scenes villains that gradually reveal how powerful and sinister they are, but I let that get the best of me instead of relying on the GM to know when to reveal parts to the party. Not a mistake I would repeat.
I get the strong sense that your best ideas for this group never made it to the page. One danger of working from a familiar template like "merchant association" or "drug cartel" is that if you cut the wrong content, you end up with nothing but a cliche left behind. I'm afraid that's what happened here, at least to my eye.
This has been addressed above, but I wanted to pull this phrasing out in particular because I felt it was so apt. I think you're exactly right that I cut the wrong parts, and that the entry would have been a lot stronger had I focused more on specific, original plots.
I wasn't a huge fan of your item, so I didn't really expect to like your organization - strangely though, I liked the idea.
Glad to hear it!
The thing that bothers me the most about this organization is probably that I can't quite figure exactly what they're up to. The goal of "destabilize a nation to get more customers" just asks the question of "and why do they even want customers in the first place? What are they gathering resources for?"
Isn't greed and lust for power over others enough? :P
Once again, thanks everyone for your thoughtful consideration and for taking the time to comment! I hope you enjoy my entry for the next round. :)
You get my vote. This reminds me of one of my favorite Greek deities, Dionysus. Oddly enough I'm a cleric of Dionysus in one ongoing campaign and I'd likely be able to get this organization church funding ;)
You get my vote. This reminds me of one of my favorite Greek deities, Dionysus. Oddly enough I'm a cleric of Dionysus in one ongoing campaign and I'd likely be able to get this organization church funding ;)
Ha! Thank you very much. That sounds like an awesome combination... though I wonder if the leaders of the two groups might eventually come into conflict over the way that the Dreamstitchers choose to spend their funding and the way they sometimes manipulate their clients. Or if the priesthood of Dionysus is that amoral. >:-D
Dreamstitchers
Alignment: CE
Headquarters: Dreamspun Bower, Court of Ether, the Darklands
Leaders: Sister Griselda
Structure: Smuggling ring
Scope: Regional
Resources:
You should know the drill by now, but in case you missed it the first time round, Ask A RPGSupersuccubus is posting from the point of view of a CE aligned succubus:
Important Note:
First impressions always being important, do members of this organization wear nifty robes or uniforms when out on formal business?
No indication is given of any kind of uniform or nifty robes. Given the leader is indicated to be a hag, this is possibly not surprising. Excepting the occasional green hag, most hags have no dress sense whatsoever. Then again, the poor dears probably can't be bothered to make the effort to look snappy given their natural disadvantages...
Does membership of this organisation seem likely to involve regular tea or dinner parties or other appropriate social occasions?
No, not at all. Back alley dealings seem likely to be the order of the day.
Is the cost of being a member of this organisation likely to be acceptable to a succubus?
Basically this is a business, which poses the problem that most succubi prefer to work for themselves, and to hand over the minimum possible (etiquette permitting) cut of the profits to anyone else. So membership probably isn't an option for most succubi.
Other comments?
The cause chaos aspect of the organization is fairly nice, but, as I said above, basically this is a business organization, which requires members to hand over a cut to someone higher up in the organization.
Rating: