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Anointed Choir of the Rapture
Alignment: CE
Headquarters: Cassomir, Taldor
Leader: High Chorister Calliana
Structure: Blasphemous choir
Scope: National
Resources: Roseheart Hall; Network of initiated choristers
A rising faction in the Taldan church of Shelyn, the Anointed Choir of the Rapture is directed by the succubus Calliana, in covert service to the Demon Lord, Sifkesh. The Choir, based at Roseheart Hall, is formed around the impossibly beautiful singing voice of an 18 year old girl, Rayna Tellos. Said to be gifted by Shelyn herself, Rayna’s voice bestows a euphoric ecstasy on all mortal hearts that hear it. The succubi who comprise the rest of the Choir are not mortal however, and their accompanying harmony of corruption seeds lustful urges into the enraptured souls of the flock before them. High Chorister Calliana delights in these appetites, driving the faithful to the limits of depravity in Shelyn’s name.
Structure and Leadership
High Chorister Calliana directs the actions of the Anointed Choir and controls all access to Rayna, who is entirely in her power. Her succubi choristers are themselves all breathtaking singers, able to compliment Rayna’s voice, yet debasing the holy words. Calliana has placed small cells of initiated mortal choristers in Shelyn’s temples across Taldor, spreading the corrupting song of the Choir to all parts of her church in the old empire.
Goals
Calliana plans to corrupt the Taldan church to the core, filling all devout souls with unnatural lust. Only when an individual’s defilement is complete does she reveal the extent of their blasphemy, driving the lost soul to suicide and into the clutches of Sifkesh. The succubi are careful not to allow too many deaths or disappearances at any one time or place, picking off souls one by one and glorying in each horror-filled revelation. Calliana dreams of uniting the church in one, great, orgiastic frenzy dedicated to Shelyn, destroying the name of the Eternal Rose and damning her faithful to the abyss.
Public Perception
The Anointed Choir is universally loved in Cassomir, bringing joy and happiness to all. The scandalous thoughts and obscene acts that come to audiences in the days following a performance have not yet been linked to the beauty of Rayna’s song. Calliana’s grip on her demonic choristers is strong for now but if the attention of the inquisition is drawn on them by any recklessness, her control of the Choir may start to slip.
Welcome to RPG Superstar, Daniel. The contest takes a new spin at this level. As judges we're here to comment on your work both in the hopes of guiding you in honing your game design skills and also to help the voting public assess how you measure up. With that in mind, I'm going to talk a bit about what you did well and where I think you still need to demonstrate growth. So, let's see what we've got...
A secret succubus infiltrator manipulating the faith of Shelyn to pervert and twist the power of love into lust and damnation? There's a lot to like in that scenario. I also like the thrall and perversion of the young singer and the Anointed Choir. Calliana's goals seem realistic and within reach. And I like how you've got the public perception of the organization as something completely accepted and even revered among the Taldan nobility.
I guess what I'm missing here is a larger sense of what Calliana's Anointed Choir is doing and the methods by which they're carrying it out. I kind of want a sense of either what they've achieved so far or what major conquests they're working towards. I also think you could have stood to widen it out a bit. As stated, it's kind of single-threaded here in terms of their goal. Yet, if you could have included a method by which Calliana is bringing more of Sifkesh's demonic influence into Taldor, I think that would have been nice. I know the word count is holding you back in that regard. So, I can't hold that too strongly against you.
All in all, I like what you've done here. Other than PFS scenarios, I really haven't sensed Paizo doing much with Taldor. As such, I think you chose a good corner of Golarion to explore. Most folks would have reached for a more widespread influence for their organization. But choosing to make this a national one fixated on the corruption of one of Golarion's main power centers feels like a perfect fit. That's smart thinking.
As such, I DO RECOMMEND this organization carry you through to the next round.
I'm looking forward to what else you might have in store for us. Coupled with your smart choices on using the words of power system in the elixir of resurgent flame, you're two for two in my book. Keep it up and I have no doubt we'll be seeing you make a deep run in this year's RPG Superstar.
Daniel, welcome to Round 2!
What you are getting from me in this critique: This round is all about conflict and story. I think the best organizations create interesting and compelling groups that will come into conflict with the PCs. My comments, and my recommendation, will focus on how well you do that. My comments will also focus on writing and use of your allotted content in achieving your goals. What you won't get from me: I don't have the total Golarion-fu that Neil and Sean do, so I will leave to them whether you got the nitty gritty details of some of the setting stuff to them (though apparently I did have enough Golarion-fu to know its Pharasmin not Pharasmian, you know who you are).
Disclaimers aside, here we go!
Initial Impression: Sex and drugs and rock and roll (well, sex and death and music anyway) with succubii infiltrating a church and causing lust and death on a national level? Oh yeah! Good initial impression. Let’s see how that carried through.
Concept (name, is it an organization?, overall design choices, is the organization and antagonist and does it create direct conflict for the PCs?, playability): A-
The Good: I love that you used a national level organization, as that brings the greatest chance for GMs to use this in their campaigns. Good choice. I like the name, but I think you missed a chance (see below). But this group certainly is an antagonist and brings the conflict (though I have a reservation, see Execution, below).
The Not So Good: I’m not sure you got the most mileage out of the name that you could have. I know it’s a secret evil infiltration and thus it can’t be “Hot Succubii Choir Girls of Death,” ‘cause that would sort of be a dead giveaway, but I do think you could, perhaps, have used the secret evil name they call themselves. The leaders, nearly all of whom are succubii, likely have their own name form themselves (or maybe not). Unlike the Masons (or the legendary version of them, anyway) its not like only a top few are in on the evil plots and all the other normal members are clueless, here the majority of the group seems to be in on the evil. Plus, if you are going with a perversion theme, work it into the name, son! That said, the name is still very good and does a great job being the “disguise name” of the organization. I just think you missed a chance to hit a home run—still a triple, though. I am also not sure you maximized the level of conflict (see below).
Execution (quality of writing, hook, theme, organization, use of proper format, quality of mandatory content, did you milk your idea for all it was worth? did you use your allotted space well?): B
The Good: Well written. Great use of the format. Your freelancer mojo is on display. I also think you created, in a short space, two very compelling NPCs and hinted at a really interesting location. That matters a lot!
The Not So Good: I think you fell down in the conflict department, just a little bit. Yes, this sets up some good stories. But I want a collision course between the PCs and your organization. I want to know what they are trying to do, in more concrete terms. I want a refined, distilled and nearly inevitable show down between the PCs and this group. She could do most of this without the PCs ever being aware of it, so you need some external reason they will come into conflict. You don’t really have that in your entry. And while I still think your entry is strong, this would have improved it. I know the word count constraints were tight, but I am also not sure you made the best use of the word count. Too much focus on the orgiastic frenzy (though its hard to criticize that, I think we all get what it going on) and maybe a few more lines on goals and specifics.
Tilt (did it grab me?, is it unique and cool?, do I like it?, flavor, are you showing Superstar mojo?): A
You had me at succubus. I’m old school, first edition, and for goodness sake my avatar is Orcus. How do I not love this? This has mojo galore.
Overall: A-
This is just fun and twisted. Who needs another “evil overlord taking over the world.” You gave us something different and much more fun. A couple times you failed to maximize what you could have milked from this entry, but I still think it is very strong.
Recommendation: I DO recommend this organization submission for advancement.
Though I didn't say too many words about your elixir, the ones I did say were pretty good: "this is a keeper for sure for me." I see a ton of promise in your initial item, so I was real interested to see what you would do with your Round 2 submission. I think you delivered. This is 2 for 2 from you, in my view. Good luck and I hope the voters agree.
I think this submission falls to much into the "a wizard did it" trope of fantasy design--or, in this specific case, "a demon did it." Golarion is a fantasy setting, but that doesn't mean everything has to have a fantasy element. Demons don't need to be involved in this at all, it could be an evil bard or corrupted member of a religion trying to make the Shelynites look bad. Or there could just be one succubus involved instead of a bunch of them. A bunch of succubi hiding among the mortals all in one place, working together, is about as unlikely as a gang of shapechanged dragons doing so. And a bunch of disguised demons walking around is going to attract attention from anyone who can sense evil... which, in LN Taldor, isn't that uncommon.
As the "gods guy" of Golarion, I also don't see the motivation in destroying Shelyn's followers. Her writeup in Gods and Magic says, "everyone loves her and wishes to please her," so you'd have to have a really strong motivation to strike out specifically at her. Even her evil sicko brother Zon-Kuthon doesn't go out of his way to target her followers, so why these succubi serving Sikfesh, the demon lord of "hopeless despair, heresy, and suicide"? Sure, heresy, but why target Shelyn instead of some other goody-goody like Iomedae or Sarenrae? I understand the lust-love-succubus connection, but it's not like Shelyn is a goddess of *chaste* love or *virginity*--she doesn't object to sex, she just doesn't think it should be the focus of a relationship instead of love.
Paizo's been criticized for having too many of its APs end with a "big outsider" boss, and it's a valid criticism (because so many of the high-level monsters are outsiders, our options are more limited unless you start adding class levels to weaker creatures). A single demon should be unusual, and you have multiple ones here, and that makes me wonder who brought them to the Material Plane, and why, and how long ago, and how that ties in with what they're doing now. But what we have here is a gang of succubi working through a mortal, when their shapechanging and charm magic mean they could do plenty of damage on their own without the help of a singer.
I think this writeup would be right at home in a setting where the superfantastic elements like this are more common, but to me it doesn't feel like it fits Golarion.
It's a girl-group pop act that inspires lust & depravity after they leave town? It's a mortal singing with a backup team of succubi? Does the mortal know it? What does she get from the deal?
How does this group of succubi become an adversary to the PCs? Are they going to show up and start a fight if the PCs start asking questions - unlikely. Are they going to teleport away if there's trouble? Likely.
This is a plot-device, not an organization.
I do not recommend that you vote for this designer.
: Competitors, remember this item from the Round 2 FAQ, which reminds competitors about the rule against commenting about their own submissions. We're pasting this reminder into the last judge comment for every organization just to make sure all competitors see it and remember.
Well that was a painful wait.
Thanks judges for your excellent criticism. I'll do what I can to learn from you if I'm lucky enough to progress to the next round.
Everyone else, if you would like to vote for me, that would be amazing. I'll be happy to discuss any questions when the round is over.
Thanks!
This is by far my favorite of the organizations. Ryan's criticism about them teleporting away is a good point, but that's fairly easy to address. The mojo behind the idea is hard to replace, though, as we see by its rarity round after round. Good work, congratulations on successfully thinking outside the box!
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I really like the concept and execution of this organization. It's easy to see it being dropped into a campaign, with the players quickly becoming suspicious but having an uphill climb to do anything about it. And I do like the implication that Rayna, at the heart of it all, is a pawn, someone players and PCs could really end up putting things on the line for. It's a really unique idea that nevertheless plays on familiar themes: lust vs. love, corruption of a religion within, and, yes, evil demon succubi cult. It's got my vote. Good luck!
Cool idea. More than one succubus at a time is a little high magic for my tastes but overall I liked it.
On balance, I think that this is my favourite of the organisations. It provides just the right amount of information for a GM - enough to get my imagination firing, but not too much that it becomes prescriptive.
Who is Rayna Tellos? Why does she have this 'gift'? Why does Calliana need to use her? Why hasn't Shelyn noticed what's going on? What happens if Calliana can't control the excesses of her choir? How could the situation be saved without tarnishing Shelyn's church?
All of those are fantastic hooks to hang an adventure off. Getting the PCs involved in something like this would be no problem at all. The challenge in such an adventure may not be working out what Calliana is up to, but stopping her without dragging the whole of Shelyn's Taldon church down with her. Not to mention saving Rayna... assuming she deserves saving of course.
And it's so well grounded in Golarion isn't it? Can you think of better combination of adversaries than Shelyn and Sifkesh? Calliana's motivations are utterly in sync with her mistress. Taldor is a country that's lost its greatness, and its perspective. It's the perfect place for Calliana's little scheme.
There's a lot of thought gone into this entry. It deserves to get through to the next round.
I've read 14 of the organisations and so far this is my favourite. With little knowledge of the lore of the game I'm having to fall back on my ancient (25 years ago) D&D gaming and looking at how organisations fit in with GMing a campaign. I've got to say a lot of what I've read so far might make a passing adventure, but few of them seem the sort of organisation that I could build a campaign around. This one seems on another level to most of the others I have read.
Daniel, I thought that you did a great job with the elixir of resurgent flame (and that's not just because I'm running a Nethys worshipper at the moment). You impressed me with your clever use of the words of power, so I hoped to see a strong round 2 submission. I'm glad that you didn't disappoint.
You've given us some good stuff with this organisation, including an achievable and suitably villainous goal, but also a means for the PCs to thwart their plans (rescue/kill Rayna). I would have preferred that there were less succubi involved (making Calliana a bit more of a special snowflake). Based on my reading, I assume that a mortal can also learn the unholy melody/lyrics, which makes the extra succubi a little unnecessary.
Other than that, I rather like your organisation. Good luck in the voting.
Tone down the number of succubi and this is the best of the entries I have read so far (~10). I wasn't the biggest fan of your item, but you have my vote this round.
While this isn't an organization I would use, it's only out of personal preference. I think you've come up with something very clever and you kept the scope of the organization reasonable. I'm confident that it'll see you through the round.
Good luck!
I really like the nuance of the concept on this one. Exploring the line between religious and carnal ecstasy is creative, and succubi are the right creatures for it. I understand SKR's objection about so many succubi hiding in one place, but I can dig it as long as Rayna is a really big deal, which it looks like she is. It would have been nice to make her explicitly a major concern for the abyss, though, to justify all these demons.
I'm more swayed by Ryan's concern that this organization is a plot device. Certainly, more breadth and more consideration of how to hook in PCs long-term would have been nice. Still, that's not a damning failure. The group's MO of inspiring corruption and suicide gives me varied options as a GM to spin this basic threat into many different kinds of stories. I don't mind the succubi's ability to avoid conflict, since they're engaged in a public activity. If they flee rather than putting on the evening's performance, they lose.
What I really wanted was more detail about what this group does, other than singing. A campaign of corruption on this scale must involve a lot of manipulation and subterfuge. So where's all that? That's the kind of material I need to take the next step from your concept to a campaign-specific implementation. If the PCs investigate this group or try to interfere with its operations, you give very little guidance on what will happen. I don't have any idea how the succubi keep their secret or what their grander plan to corrupt the whole church entails.
This is a good entry that ends before it fully explains itself, which seems to be the general trend. Good luck going forward.
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There’s a lot to like about this one, a lot of coolness crammed into this entry. The organisation name is evocative but a bit too Ye Olde Christian for my taste ... I can sort of see a name like that appealing in Taldor, but it doesn’t quite fit the church of Shelyn to my mind. It would have been awesome if you had called them The Hot Succubii Choir Girls of Death! Well, it wouldn’t have made sense in context, but still ...
So, succubi, tick, choir girls, tick, demon lord of suicides, tick. I like the exploration of the church of Shelyn and setting this in Taldor.
Having this bunch of demons who hang out and sing in Shelyn’s churches, driving people to acts of un-natural lust and ultimately suicide stretches belief a bit ... when you have a NG church who probably has all sorts of cleric and paladins who can detect evil and have good sense motive scores. You’d think it would be rooted out early on and without having to involve outside adventurers, but I’m sure that with an expanded word count you would be able to find ways to explain how this situation got to where it did, unnoticed. This is really one of those entries that I wish you had 2 or 3 times the word count as there is a lot more I would like to know about this one.
While there are some issues with this one, it is definitely going onto my short list.
Good luck Daniel!
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I find this to be more of an adventure hook then an antagonistic group, but the lines blur a bit and as an adventure hook it is pretty good. I don't get the 'too much magic' vibe here. I tend to be rather conservative with high magic hooks, but I could see this work with very little modification in even lower magic settings like Conan or even Cthulhu medieval.
Voted for you
Ah, the Diabolus In Musica. It's like propping up the innocence of a Charlotte Church with the sonorous rapture of a Tarja Turunen, but underneath all of that you're really getting the uncomfortable inhuman impact of Diamanda Galas. Interesting triptych here.
Daniel,
Your entry was the first one I read (the name really stood out in my opinion, and led to curiosity) and the rest (may be) RPG Superstar history. :)
Seriously, I like the innocence of Rayna, the evil of the High Chorister, and the use of succubi pretending to be penitents of Shelyn. Really good stuff, lots of potential for GMs to mine and use.
You have earned one of my votes! :)
Best of luck in reaching round 3, as I am very curious what sort of monster you might inflict upon us.
~Dean
Congratulations again and good luck!
I liked you item rather well, and I feel about the same way about this.
I like the choir angle, the Shelyn use (you have good eye for using different deities than the majority, it would seem), the sublety.
Your biggest problem is, to me, the "too many succubi" issue. It seems to be a common symptom this year. Strange, that. They must be up to something.
I rather like most things, except for the "just too many succubi". There's problems, but your idea just overshadows them to me. I hope to see even better work from you, in return for the vote you're now getting.
Good luck!
Although the angelic-voiced ingenue tainted by evil she-baddies is well-worn the aplication is spot on. Good location and appropriate victimization. Agreed, it could have been Sarenrae, but so what - Shelyn is a good fit. Nice work.
I like this, a small organization well designed for an urban campaign. I like having a least one succubus pulling the strings of the operation vs. a flock of succubi.
Great flavour Dan with the Choir, very original and liking how it could fit into a regional setting within Golarion (most likely Taldor). all the very best and would be great to see you in the next round ! Keep up the creativity...
You had me at "Blasphemous Succubus Choir", and reading through it again has only emphasised what a cool idea this is - perverts, demons, hymnal singing oh my!
The mind positively boggles at the possibilities, especially due to its national influence. I don't mind the obvious sounding name, it gives the GM an immediate notion of the type of organisation, but more importantly gives ideas on how to present it in an exciting and original way. Fresh, easily customisable for most campaigns and good (un)clean fun.
Can't wait for the monster write-up (fingers crossed dude), really hope it's a winner.
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Good and atmospheric and the fact it isn't another merc group or bandit group or whatever makes it stand out. Well written. I do feel there are too many Sucubusus.
I would rather have 3-4 in positions of power and as part of the backup band rather than an entire choir.
And, vote given, as promised.
Your strengths are in creativity and daring to play a little less than safe.
You need to be very conscious of "what is the task" further on. This organization is bordering on not-quite-hostile enough.
I really hope you go onwards.
You chose a rather basic and slightly boring "infiltration" theme organization, and of all those around, I think you have the far strongest. You made it unusual by using something as strange as choir. You made it dangerous, by opposing it to a religion which stands for the ideals your organization used for corruption. You placed it well in the setting.
Generally I see smart choices and good design here, so what I'm really asking for is probably even more of it. And a little more Golarion, perhaps.
Best of luck, I hope to see a great monster from you...
I really like this and have really nothing to add. Perhaps it would work better with a more chaste deity, but i don't have the Golarion knowledge to know if it would improve the entry or not.
You have my vote.
It seems every few years I'm home visiting my parents and they've become obsessed by yet another nauseatingly innocent teenaged girl with a beautiful voice that sings cloying religious tunes. So the fact that you took one of those and had her be the 'face' of a cult of depraved temptresses pretty much had me from the getgo. I just know the next time I'm home and my mother is listening to a Charlotte Church (or whatever the equivalent flavor of the month is) CD, I'll be smirking on the inside.
Okay, joking aside, I love this organization. It was one of four entries that I never questioned about voting for. Best of luck.
Thanks everyone for your comments and votes! It's been great (if nerve-wracking) watching you discuss my work and providing such valuable criticism.
It's been quite the learning process.
Lesson 1. Tone down the demons. No-one needs that many succubi. I totally agree. It's the biggest problem. A mortal cult would work better. It would have far more scope for damnation and redemption among the choristers. I like having Calliana as a demon, but I could easily get rid of the rest. In fact the first draft had just one succubus. I only changed it when I wrote the line "...bestows a euphoric ecstasy on all mortal hearts that hear it". I thought, "Hmmm, I better get some immortals in the choir". Wrong call. Should have just changed that line.
Lesson 2. Have more than one thread to the organisation's plans. Having a wider sphere of influence would allow more opportunity for interaction with the PCs and therefore conflict and adventure. It needs a broader scope.
Lesson 3. Is it a plot hook? Well, yes. It is an organisation, but it's one that will only interact with the PCs in a very specific context. It won't have far-reaching influence and it will only be encountered once by the PCs. They find out about the choir, they combat it, they move on. I don't think that's a big problem, but I understand why Ryan especially is concerned that it doesn't meet the criteria of the round. I need to focus more on the specifics of the task.
However, if I'd done all that differently, Clark wouldn't have got his "Hot Succubii Choir Girls of Death" and that would have been a shame...
Daniel, this was one of my favorites in this round, I think. I wasn't crazy about the succubi aspect of it, but I loved the idea of the choir and using the girl as a front. It just evokes fantastic imagery that makes me want to come up with an adventure that I can use it in.
Phew!
Thanks again to everyone who voted for me. It's a real thrill to get this far and I hope to make the most of it. I'll try to repay your votes in kind, with the monster of your dreams. Or nightmares.
It would have been awesome if you had called them The Hot Succubii Choir Girls of Death!
That's because you have excellent taste :)
However, if I'd done all that differently, Clark wouldn't have got his "Hot Succubii Choir Girls of Death" and that would have been a shame...
Don't worry about me, I already have them. Where is DarkMistress now that you mention it...?
Anointed Choir of the Rapture
Alignment: CE
Headquarters: Cassomir, Taldor
Leader: High Chorister Calliana
Structure: Blasphemous choir
Scope: National
You should know the drill by now, but in case you missed it the first time round, Ask A RPGSupersuccubus is posting from the point of view of a CE aligned succubus:
Important Note:
First impressions always being important, do members of this organization wear nifty robes or uniforms when out on formal business?
Rather oddly, none are indicated. Look at any selection of pictures of a choir. Most choirs do have nifty robes or uniforms. Now consider a choir of succubi with impeccable dress sense. Are they, or are they not going to demand fashionable garments if they are supposed to wear anything at all?
Clearly, the logic of this is that the choir perform wearing virtually nothing, although you are too modest to directly mention it. I can only assume there is a funding shortage owing to the active social calendar (see below).
Does membership of this organisation seem likely to involve regular tea or dinner parties or other appropriate social occasions?
Social dinners, social breakfasts, tea-parties, long lunches, group holidays to rescue paladins from ostensibly (l)awful and/or good organisations. Yes, it's likely to involve them all, and many, many more. You do not keep this many succubi happy and (if you'll pardon the pun) singing from approximately the same sheet without lots and lots of social stuff.
Is the cost of being a member of this organisation likely to be acceptable to a succubus?
There is a problem here. The choir (or at least the 'High Chorister') works for Sifkesh. Now it takes a very dedicated succubus (especially if there aren't nifty robes involved) to work for a demon-lord who used to be a devil.
Other comments?
Nice idea. A bit ambitious on Calliana's part, but she's clearly a succubus not short on self-belief.
Rating: