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See, I think it's more that we're introducing the idea that the expectation that everyone at your table behave like a respectful human being (which, incidentally, includes not spouting sexist/racist/homophobic/what-have-you crappola regardless of who is or is not present) is not synonymous with special consideration.
"I think your sense of humor is inappropriate so you have to stop making those jokes" is the very definition of special consideration. If gamers wanted to adhere to the normal rules of social interaction and political correctness they would be hanging out with normal people. If you have a group of normal people that just happens to like to game more power to you, but if you (as it seems the op does) have a group of geeks you have to realize that the baseline of social behavior is way lower and if you want it back up to politically correct then you are asking the entire group to modify its behavior for you.
who are convinced their behavior should be excused because they're "just joking", because they've always been that way, because people will always be that way, and everyone else should just get over it, are the ones asking for special consideration-
By and large what we've done is found a group of more or less like minded individuals who understand that we ARE just joking. That's the pre existing dynamic in most groups: either engaging in that sort of humor or at least not caring about it. When you try to change that dynamic you get conflict.
They are asking their fellow players to excuse what would not be excused in most other settings.
Which is why people CHOOSE not to be in other settings instead.
Now, toning it down a bit might be a reasonable accommodation for someone. But expecting people to make said accommodation without any awkwardness is ridiculous. People stare or look away because the normal rules for abnormal geek body language don't always work with female gamers.For example people have described my gaze as "unnerving" If i want to look at someone without making them think I'm going to hack them with an axe i usually have to aim my gaze roughly at the neck. Not a problem with males. Females on the other hand...
People stumble over words because before the introduction of a female into the group there was no need for a filter, after the introduction people trying to be polite are filtering the jokes: unnatural behavior for them and it shows. They're trying to act more like normal people. The key word is ACT. It IS an act. In all likelyhood its a BAD act and it shows.
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I guess I have higher hopes that gamers are, by and large, intelligent enough to learn basic social interaction behaviors. Heck, I did. If you want to avoid all necessity of self-filtering, then you'll have to sharply limit all social interaction.
::shrug::
I tend not to assume all male gamers are socially crippled. YMMV.
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I guess I have higher hopes that gamers are, by and large, intelligent enough to learn basic social interaction behaviors. Heck, I did. If you want to avoid all necessity of self-filtering, then you'll have to sharply limit all social interaction.
Or find people who will put up with the real you.
You know, friends.
I tend not to assume all male gamers are socially crippled. YMMV.
Not crippled. Just adapted for a rarer environment. Like pandas. Put a normal person in Gen Con and see if they don't have the same problem that a geek has at a board meeting. (right down to having trouble picking out an outfit)
Not all. Just enough to change the functioning average for the group.
Now that I've had a nap and recovered from my trip to the dentist this morning, I might be a little more coherent.
To put it plainly, I miss the female gamers I've known over the years. As I stated earlier, the one woman currently in my group and her husband only get to join us occasionally. But they're both veteran gamers with a history as long as anyone else in my group (20+ years each).
My wife used to play regularly, back in the days when I ran a decade long 2e homebrew campaign. The other couple in the game, both long time friends of ours, divorced and both moved away in opposite directions. He doesn't play at all anymore, and she doesn't get to where she lives now. The male gamers she's met are pretty much the negative side of the male gaming population, so she just gave up. I wish both she and my wife played now; they were the absolute best roleplayers and team mates I've ever seen in a game.
I currently play in a group with two women (the couple I mentioned in my first paragraph host the games and she plays) and another woman. She came from LARPing and WoD, so the Pathfinder rules are a little new to her, but she's great fun to play with.
The only girl that anyone ever wanted OUT of a group was a girl I'll just call "S". S was cute, funny, bubbly and generally so cheerful that it drove most folks crazy. She did try to play up the "I'm the only girl in the game and because I'm cute I should get my way" card a lot, but I overlooked it and treated her character like any other. Except when she brought homemade guacamole...lol..ahem. Seriously, she was treated just as badly as the rest of the players (I was the DM).
The first group I ever joined was in college, and there was a girl in that game. It was 1e, and she played a monk. She played until her sorority sisters threatened to make her leave their sorority unless she stopped playing with us. Sadly, she gave in to them.
Also, my sister played with my group during the 1e days until I moved away and she just got out of the hobby. She was (and still is) one of the funniest people I've ever gamed with.
There are many more grrl gamers that I've had the honor of gaming with, and I really wish they were all still around. I do my utmost to treat everyone with the same degree of respect, and I enforce this at my table. So, to all the ladies I've gamed with before, I salute you. If the stars are ever right again, you're all welcome back.
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Or find people who will put up with the real you.
You know, friends.
Not crippled. Just adapted for a rarer environment. Like pandas. Put a normal person in Gen Con and see if they don't have the same problem that a geek has at a board meeting. (right down to having trouble picking out an outfit)
Not all. Just enough to change the functioning average for the group.
Any introduction of a new person requires readjustment of said group's social dynamic. If you are unwilling to adjust for new members, this will, as I said above, sharply inhibit your ability to socially interact with most people. LIke I said in reference to guys' night out games, that's fine, but then don't invite other people if they're not welcome.
If limiting jokes about hitting women is too difficult to manage, then don't invite a woman who doesn't like jokes about domestic abuse.
Simple enough.
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@BNW: gamer != abnormal person.
... And I'll thank you not to imply that it does, even if you self-identify as abnormal. What you call a geek sense of humor I call "blue" humor. It is not a prerequisite or even the standard of gaming just because you do it. I love the off-color jokes sometimes too, but there is no direct link with the hobby.
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It would appear, from the comments about asking a group to adjust its behavior for an individual and so forth, that BNW believes if you take a handful of people with behavioral problems and put them in a group together without anyone who lacks those particular behavioral problems, then suddenly those behavioral problems become an acceptable baseline rather than problems, and anyone who enters such a group and treats those features as the behavioral problems that they originally were is doing something wrong.
If so, that's a rather self-focused perspective. A group of people all having the same weaknesses does not mean they're not weaknesses anymore.
Just because my wife understands and puts up with my own failings (for example) does not mean that they're not failings and does not mean that she's out of line asking me to correct my behavior.
Just because the adults of the small town where I grew up all had the same mistaken ideas about the moral ramifications of playing D&D doesn't mean that they weren't wrong or that it was okay or that I should have just accepted it and not asked any of them to change.
And just because all the guys in a given gaming group share the same social/behavioral shortcomings doesn't mean that it's okay or that they shouldn't try to work on those weaknesses or that it's out of line for a newcomer to call them out on it.
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Short answer: not all the time.
More to the point, for those who are not socially inept and unable to deal, there is hardly a difference between male/female gamers. At least, that's how it plays out at my table.
Our male gamers are the rules-lawyers and annoying ultra-optimizers, but that's a local issue, and hardly a global generalization. The two regular female gamers are quite competent (and I have personally recommended & assisted them in GM'ing their own tables when they expressed an interest).
Perhaps a bonk on the head with a rolled-up newspaper (or wooden spoon) would suffice, OP? I hear it works with puppies, at least.
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Any introduction of a new person requires readjustment of said group's social dynamic.
You stated you believed this adjustment shouldn't be necessary, because people should already be there, that they don't meet your idea of a respectful human being and thus need to change. Requiring a group to change for you is special consideration (which you didn't think was neccesary)
The person needs to adjust as much if not more than the group as a whole.
If you are unwilling to adjust for new members, this will, as I said above, sharply inhibit your ability to socially interact with most people. LIke I said in reference to guys' night out games, that's fine, but then don't invite other people if they're not welcome.
See, you're still going with the assumption that how you do humor is somehow inherently right and how a bunch of male geeks left in isolation often develop humor is somehow inherently wrong. Walking in with that attitude is going to meet resistance, and for good reason.
Furthermore it creates dissonance where you think you're being unwelcomed into the group because their jokes are crass when they're just being themselves.
If limiting jokes about hitting women is too difficult to manage, then don't invite a woman who doesn't like jokes about domestic abuse.Simple enough.
People do not come with signs that read "I do not like X" and "I like Y" So until you feel out someone's sense of humor by occasionally crossing the line you don't know where the line is. Furthermore people may not know when they've crossed the line. A glare, a look, that you think may be communicating that can go COMPLETELY over a guy's head.
@BNW: gamer != abnormal person.
Equal, no.
Statistically correlated with... yes.
I alluded to that above.
... And I'll thank you not to imply that it does, even if you self-identify as abnormal. What you call a geek sense of humor I call "blue" humor. It is not a prerequisite or even the standard of gaming just because you do it. I love the off-color jokes sometimes too, but there is no direct link with the hobby.
It might not be a direct link but I think the link is there none the less. I don't know if its monty python, the opportunity for tentacle jokes, or just because its a male dominated hobby but working the blue seems pretty standard around most tables i've been at.
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People do not come with signs that read "I do not like X" and "I like Y" So until you feel out someone's sense of humor by occasionally crossing the line you don't know where the line is. Furthermore people may not know when they've crossed the line. A glare, a look, that you think may be communicating that can go COMPLETELY over a guy's head.
I have to agree with this. The responsibility of person X to change a given behavioral pattern only extends as far as their awareness that it needs to change.
Communicate, communicate, communicate.
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It might not be a direct link but I think the link is there none the less. I don't know if its monty python, the opportunity for tentacle jokes, or just because its a male dominated hobby but working the blue seems pretty standard around most tables i've been at.
The key here is "tables [you]'ve been at".
Birds of a feather flock together, and then they go online and say "most people have characteristic X and I know this from experience".
@BNW: gamer != abnormal person.Equal, no.
Statistically correlated with... yes.
I alluded to that above.
He's using programming
(!=) == (not equals)
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To the OP, I’m sorry that you are having a negative experience with your gaming group. I don’t have any great advice, but I hope things are able to be worked out. The fact that this appears to be a fairly recent problem arising with a group you’ve been playing with for a few years, and everyone is in their mid twenties (ie, old enough to know better) suggests to me that the problem may actually lie outside the game. Maybe the problem guy(s) has something going on in his life that is causing him to take out his issues or insecurities on you in game. Or maybe, as you suggested, he / they are resentful or something about things in your life. Either way, a sucky situation, but try not to let it get to you, try to focus on the positives, the good things about the game and the group.
I’d like to think that the vast majority of the guys I have gamed with over the years have treated the (unfortunately all too rare) woman at the table with the same respect and attitude they would treat the men with. On the other hand I have seen the staring and the gawking first hand. On two occasions in the (distant enough) past I took girlfriends with me into my local gaming store. The reaction from the guys lurking within was obvious and frankly embarrassing, in both cases pretty much literally every guy in the room just stopped and stared. In both cases it made the lady in question really uncomfortable and in one case I think it was a big factor in turning her off the idea of gaming with me. It was weird too, it’s not like I had never seen women in the store before and I had never noticed that reaction.
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Jess Door wrote:
I'm pretty sensitive about domestic abuse. It never happened in my household, but it did with close family members when I was a child until my parents found out and stepped in, and I don't like joking about beating one's wife and children.
And i came from a family with my disabled father abused by his wife and I am sick to death of female against male violence always seen as funny, as acceptable. Of course no one sees or acknowledges that aspect of abuse, nor how powerless men are those situations because he is the bad guy if he defends himself and treated like a coward if he doesn't.
Er, yeah, he got that. I think maybe you misread BNW's response.
Or he thinks in binary :)
That’s the thing though, it is not simply a matter of some people are jerks. There are jerks and then on top of that there are people that a jerkier to women. On top of that there are people that are exclusively jerky to women. On top of that are the guys that just have this subconscious bias. It is patronizing to say some people are just jerks, like it is all in our head. It’s not. Bias against girl gamers is real. We can tell when we are getting a disproportionate amount of jerkiness. We don’t need you there to confirm it for us.
Think about it this way... how many times do you notice people staring at disabled people? How many times do disabled people experience it? Which number is bigger? Whose responsibility is it to keep it from happening? Did it only happen if you saw it happen/noticed it? Were people always staring at their arm and they just started taking offence after it was amputated?
But your own logic can be turned right around on you. You say you can tell you are getting a disproportionate amount of jerkiness, but your argument for it is to also say that others are not around to see it. Well, I could just as easily argue that you are not around to see the disproportionate amount of jerkiness aimed at men, from other men, when women are not in the room. (And believe me, men tear each other new cakeholes just for giggles when ladies are not around to keep their manners in check.)
It's not an argument to say that one side knows less because it is not around to see what it can't see when it is not around, but somehow, magically the other side can see what it is not around to see.
I was one who said that I know this phenomenon exists. My point is that in my experience it is not nearly as out of hand as some are making it sound, and it is nothing the ladies I know cannot handle.
Apply Occam's Razor to this. This is the principle that generally recommends, when faced with competing hypotheses that are equal in other respects, selecting the one that makes the fewest new assumptions makes the most sense.
Now, is it more likely that guys can be jerks, and that a gamer girl's perspective on how jerky gamer guys is, is skewed by her frequent association with them?
Or is it more likely that gamer guys can be generalized as a massive conglomerate of over-jerky people with a stereotypical lesser respect for women in general?
The first option is a simple and likely explanation. The second is as ridiculous an assumption as is any generalization made against a group.
I was raised by women (my mom and aunts). I love my wife. I respect my female friends greatly. So do not think I am saying that women are more emotionally reactive to situations like this. But I will say this with the certainty a man of middle years who has dealt in customer service for years has earned: When a person, man or woman, feels offended or emotionally connected to a particular situation or topic, his or her perspective is bound to be skewed. That includes me. I am sure it includes some people here.
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And i came from a family with my disabled father abused by his wife and I am sick to death of female against male violence always seen as funny, as acceptable. Of course no one sees or acknowledges that aspect of abuse, nor how powerless men are those situations because he is the bad guy if he defends himself and treated like a coward if he doesn't.
Yeah, that's a pretty sucky situation too. The world is just full of double standards.
The key here is "tables [you]'ve been at".
Birds of a feather flock together, and then they go online and say "most people have characteristic X and I know this from experience".
Which is why i included it. I realize that my sample might be biased, however other posters are including similar experiences, so i'm going to be inclined to think i'm right unless i see a good reason to the contrary.
Quick Off the top of your head name 5 geek shows
What do you even mean by "geek shows"?Quick Off the top of your head name 5 geek shows
Show's that when you quote it at a gaming table everyone at the gaming table gets a laugh. Bonus points if it would make absolutely no sense to most people.
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Show's that when you quote it at a gaming table everyone at the gaming table gets a laugh. Bonus points if it would make absolutely no sense to most people.What do you even mean by "geek shows"?Quick Off the top of your head name 5 geek shows
I'm probably the wrong guy to ask - seems like I'm often the one saying "Er... was that a reference to something?"
Oh, though one time someone said "MY CABBAGES!!!" and most of the table laughed and I actually knew that one.
I'm probably the wrong guy to ask - seems like I'm often the one saying "Er... was that a reference to something?"
Chuckle.. its alright, we have one of those too.
Besides the cabbages do you remember what quotes triggered the last few "Er... was that a reference to something?" moments ?
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I'm probably the wrong guy to ask - seems like I'm often the one saying "Er... was that a reference to something?"Chuckle.. its alright, we have one of those too.
Besides the cabbages do you remember what quotes triggered the last few "Er... was that a reference to something?" moments ?
Nope. Think about it: if I didn't recognize it in the first place, why would it stick in my memory?
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I'm probably the wrong guy to ask - seems like I'm often the one saying "Er... was that a reference to something?"Chuckle.. its alright, we have one of those too.
Besides the cabbages do you remember what quotes triggered the last few "Er... was that a reference to something?" moments ?
Dr.Who references. I dislike the show and don't get them at all, Firefly too.
Show's that when you quote it at a gaming table everyone at the gaming table gets a laugh. Bonus points if it would make absolutely no sense to most people.What do you even mean by "geek shows"?Quick Off the top of your head name 5 geek shows
The Big Bang Theory
Monty Python and the Holy GrailThe Princess Bride
The Gamers
The Gamers: Dorkness Rising
Krod Mandoon
A couple of my players like to quote Excalibur in out-of-place comical situations (such as "you betrayed the Duke, you stole his wife, now no one trusts you"). We also shout out lines from horror movies in inappropriate places ("That thing wanted to be UUUUSSSSS!!!").
Not sure what this little exercise is about, but there you go.
Not sure what this little exercise is about, but there you go.
Thank you, I love a blind study
The point is that a lot of geek humor is working the blue with sexual innuendos. Its just the cheap easy humor that gets passed back and forth at the table without meaning anything, even if it is offensive in other contexts.
Putting blue face paint on and screaming is usually frowned on... except at a football game.
The Big Bang Theory- The TITLE is an innuendo.
Monty Python and the Holy Grail-
Sir lancelot trying to face the... ahem.. peril.
Large tracts of... land.
A shrubbery (if you don't know, don't look it up, it ruins the joke)
The Princess Bride
Westley: There's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. It would be a pity to damage yours.
Humperdinck!
Looking back over the movie i'm surprised it was as clean as it was. Then again it is a bedtime story. I don't remember anything that bad from the book either.
The Gamers
The Gamers: Dorkness Rising
The player/character genderswap with the sorceress.
The bard seducing anything in a dress
the female character played by a male hitting on anything in a dress.
.. actually I think the entire movies make my point that i'm not getting a biased sample.
Krod Mandoon- Is one long session of this example gone horribly, horriblly wrong. I'd have a harder time finding quotes that didn't fit...
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Obviously different people have different experiences at the gaming table and different things they want to get from their gaming experiences, and I respect that. I know for me there have been plenty of times over the years where I wished that the other people at the table would spend less time quoting ‘funny’ or ‘geeky’ lines from movies and tv shows (‘blue’ or otherwise) and just concentrate on the game.
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See, I think it's more that we're introducing the idea that the expectation that everyone at your table behave like a respectful human being (which, incidentally, includes not spouting sexist/racist/homophobic/what-have-you crappola regardless of who is or is not present) is not synonymous with special consideration.
Hear, hear. No one's talking about "special consideration;" we're talking about basic consideration and not acting like a pillock to begin with.
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It sucks that you're so frustrated - especially in your regular group. I've grown to expect at least one bad experience at pick up games at cons and the like, unless I'm gaming with people I already know, but if it's your regular group it's more of a problem.
The only piece of advice I really have is I have developed a preference for immediate discussion of a problem rather than holding in frustration.
My natural inclination when hurt, insulted or upset is to withdraw - a childhood full of bullying does that, I guess - so I rarely respond well on the first incident. After, though, I'll think about the situation and go over some scenarios in my head so I can address things immediately the next time it comes up.
while it's uncomfortable, addressing things immediately is a lot less likely to lead to resentment and grudges and unfixable breaks in the group. My favorite strategy for bringing up problems while minimizing defensive rants or attacks is "It really bothers me when you do [ X ] because it feels like [ Y ]." This helps me keep the accusatory thoughts I have about why they're being a jerk from coming through...keeps things a little less charged. Depending on the situation, you may want to do this one on one or in the group.
I've felt the way you do in groups. I've been told I shouldn't play a melee character because "girls can't do that". I've been in groups where I can't roleplay a full character life because if my character develops any relationship or gets drunk in the game, some guys in the group felt that meant the doors were open for their character to whore my character out for favors for the party. I've been in groups where the DM was enthralled with forcing my character (and a male character too) into situations that constantly threatened her with rape. I've been in groups where someone wanted to know what the rule in a specific situation was, and I knew the rule and explained it...only to be ignored (that doesn't last long in groups I stick with. Rules stick in my...
Yeah, yeah. None of which really matters because girls can't roleplay anyhow. And they're horrible GMs.
Before you ladies start to crucify me, I am KIDDING! Jess is a friend and the GM of our current Kingmaker campaign and she does a truly awesome job of it. The girls suck thing is a joke between us that started in a thread not to different from this one.
I've been playing in mixed gender groups practically since I started gaming in the early eighties and have rarely seen a girl gamer that couldn't hold her own. (To be honest I've known a lot more male gamers who were clueless or just generally inept...) Of course it doesn't hurt that I was raised by a pretty old fashioned step-father with a very strong willed older sister. Dad taught me how to act around women and sis made sure I never looked down on them.
Oh yeah... girls suck at math too.
I've actually never dealt with this issue with any girl that was in any of my gaming groups. We've always treated our female gamers as one of the guys. In fact, we pretty much forgot that one of our longtime group members was actually a girl. I was shocked when one of my ex-girlfriends got jealous of my female gamer friend, because I was so used to thinking of her as a guy. She is an awesome friend too, we always had fun gaming with her.
That being said, we have had some girls who joined our group for a short time and kept pulling the old "I have boobs, tee hee! Give me special treatment now".
Oh yeah... girls suck at math too.
You're doing it wrong. You forgot the link.
Lifelong gamer, and i don't watch the "geek shows" and have no idea about the quotes...
Don't watch many of the shows myself.
Dr.Who references. I dislike the show and don't get them at all, Firefly too.I'm probably the wrong guy to ask - seems like I'm often the one saying "Er... was that a reference to something?"Chuckle.. its alright, we have one of those too.
Besides the cabbages do you remember what quotes triggered the last few "Er... was that a reference to something?" moments ?
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That being said, we have had some girls who joined our group for a short time and kept pulling the old "I have boobs, tee hee! Give me special treatment now".
This is one stereotype of female gamer that I keep hearing about but have absolutely never encountered. I’ve never had a woman at the game table who seemed to think she was entitled to special treatment due to being a woman, being new to the game, being the DM’s girlfriend or anything else.
I have, unfortunately, encountered male gamers who seemed to think they were entitled to special treatment for no good reason that I could discern.
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I also HATE the "GM's girlfriend" sterotype--the stereotype of the girl who's just playing to please her girlfriend and doesn't know s*+& about gaming--and it's sad to hear that stereotype is based on real people (many stereotypes are, but still).
This one I think is cultural. In fact where I have seen this most often is in sports. He is off to see the football game so what is she doing? She is off to see the football game with him...isn't she a trooper.
Reverse that and have her off to [insert stereotypical female activity] and asks him along. What is he doing? Drafting a letter to Amnesty International since being forced to participate in whatever her passion is clearly violates the Geneva Convention.
On the other hand I don't want to discourage the behavoiur to much. After all the majority of stories I have heard from woman on how they got into the game start with either "My brother bribed me...and one day I realized bribes where now a perk not a prereq" or "My boyfriend convinced me to play - I'd eventually dump the boyfriend but not the game".
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Oh yeah... girls suck at math too.You're doing it wrong. You forgot the link.
I've never seen that XKCD. I love XKCD. best web comic ever!
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I've never seen that XKCD. I love XKCD. best web comic ever!Oh yeah... girls suck at math too.You're doing it wrong. You forgot the link.
Yeah, that was a good one.
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I've never seen that XKCD. I love XKCD. best web comic ever!Oh yeah... girls suck at math too.You're doing it wrong. You forgot the link.
Oh my GAWD! They stole my joke... bastards.
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Show's that when you quote it at a gaming table everyone at the gaming table gets a laugh. Bonus points if it would make absolutely no sense to most people.What do you even mean by "geek shows"?Quick Off the top of your head name 5 geek shows
The Big Bang Theory
Monty Python and the Holy Grail
The Princess Bride
The Gamers
The Gamers: Dorkness Rising
Krod MandoonA couple of my players like to quote Excalibur in out-of-place comical situations (such as "you betrayed the Duke, you stole his wife, now no one trusts you"). We also shout out lines from horror movies in inappropriate places ("That thing wanted to be UUUUSSSSS!!!").
Not sure what this little exercise is about, but there you go.
Wait who wouldn't know any and every joke and quote from Princess Bride?
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I have an unfortunate "girl gamer" stereotyping story that happened just recently actually. I met up with a D&D group for a game, and I had never met any of the group before. When I showed up at the address for the game, a super cute girl opened the door, and my immediate thought was "Oh crap, I'm at the wrong address!"
My first reaction was disbelief that a really cute girl played D&D, lol. I'm a pig, I know. She's a really cool person though and a very good gamer as well.
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Wow, I'm glad to see that I elicited such interesting thoughts and opinions from people. I'm also really happy to see that most people have a positive response to this, and have been honest about their experiences. And, despite what some people may think, I'm also glad to see that there is still that humor in these responses. I'm not asking for people not to make jokes, or not tease each other. Sharing humor with your friends is imperative for a real friendship to last, and everyone should be able to take some teasing, because it is meant in good fun.
What I was more talking about was just a lack of respect, not some guys making "hehe bewbs" comment at the table or even the "shouldn't you be cleaning" jokes. By lack of respect I mean people who will check your every choice in spell or action, but never checking the other players. Players who will literally describe a D&D experience in every detail, except how it was your Paladin that actually took down the dragon. The other night when I got to listen to "the speech" this player went on about how every person's character is epic, and then literally said "and your character is tied in with the plot with her stuff".
I want my friends to joke with me, I want them to be relaxed with me, I just also would like a little appreciation for my contributions to the party. The fact that I already have my entire turn planned with books open to the spell I'm going to cast, so I don't hold up the game, while other players take so long that our DM is using a timer to get them to move faster. I admit to sucking at math, so I actually have all of my modifiers added up (even a section for my changes when I have buffs on) and keep a calculator next to me. I wouldn't even mind if they checked what the rule was after I said it, so long as they did that to everyone. But it's just me.
Again, my DM is really great, but he is used to having girls at his table and another player apologized for his behavior (without me saying a word) a while back, because he realized that he was kinda being a jerk. It really comes down to the boyfriend (which, we've both started playing at the same time and have been in the same amount of games, so not sure where his superiority act stems from) and the long winded fellow. The boyfriend is easy enough to deal with, he just needs to be reminded (luckily we do communicate our issues well) that he is being condescending.
It really does just come down to talking it out, which as soon as I get the chance I plan to. In the mean time, "I HIDE BEHIND THE PILE OF DEAD BARDS" and "BOOMERANG, YOU DO ALWAYS COME BACK!". Yay nerdy shows that fill the world with wonderful quotes.