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Mother of God I think we made a Castlevania Campaign on accident.
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DM: You finish fighting the demonic wasp queen and her thralls. How do you proceed?
Players: What about the larvae in the nest? Are they EVIL?
DM: They aren't evil. They're just ordinary giant wasp larvae.
Thank god there was a druid in the party. I'm certain if he wasn't there the players would have set fire to the whole building.
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I end up just quoting Firefly all the time. :-P
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I once re-did the lyrics to the Ballad of Jayne Cobb for our duskblade Max.
It rhymes with yrthaks.
It was at an apiary that made mothers-mead. And little wax candles of Max.
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[My low-level PCs are lost in the mountains, running out of food. They just killed an elk and need to preserve it so they can travel.]
Barbarian: I'm going to make venison jerky.
Rogue: I'm going to scout ahead while you jerk your meat.
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Discussing autonomous "decoy and deterrent" drones that are used to basically fill the sky with targets and are armed with point-defense/offense lasers:
"So they deploy and fill the sky with glitter."
When chastened for the reference:
"Would you have preferred I said 'fill the sky with disco'?"
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Was playing 2nd ed, our gnome cleric drank some tainted wine and said "wow, now that i'm 10 tall and invisible..."
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I remember back in 3.5 having a fighter that specialized in trip attacks. Every time he rolled to trip someone he said "You better pack a lunch"
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One of my favorite moments revolved around a player rule all of us had agreed on to minimize meta-conversations during the session. If a player ever mentioned another player's name mid-session that player had to finish by saying "I cannot maintain an erection". Silly, yes.
Well, I forgot what exactly what to say mid-session and caught myself breaking the rule thus followed:
"Dan I, s!+%! I have a small dick..." I don't know if it's what I said or if it was the sincerty of my irritation but the table exploded in laughter when they finally realised I wasn't seriously exposing a personal disappointment but rather a lack of memory.
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So we got arrested and were working out how to break out from jail. We laughed about the possibility of tying sheets together. Then we sat and thought. (In the middle of the hallway, we were out of our cells we just needed a plan to get past the guards on the ground floor)
Me: I have a plan
Other guy: Does it involve tying bedsheets together?
Me: No... Wait... It could be better if we...YES!!!
other guy: You are not allowed to make anymore plans.
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I do hope that you were the GM. :)
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Not exactly a one-liner, but we all had a good laugh...
One of the players meant to make a comment about the party being a bunch of "murder-hobos," but accidentally said "murder-hippies" instead.
Me: Wait-- murder-hippies? Like the Manson Family?
Player 1: *sings* "Helter-skelter... helter-skelter... helter-skelter.. yeah!"
Player 2: You harshed my mellow, man. Now ya gotta die!
Player 3: ...by smoking a POUND of weed!
Player 2: ...and dropping 20 tabs of acid!
Player 3: Not acid like LSD, real acid!
Player 1: Ooh! Look at the pretty colors... LIKE YOUR BLOOD!!!
Me: Peace, love, and... MURDER!!!
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The warlock has just demonstrated his newly-acquired ability to cast disguise self at will.
Rogue: "You could be the king of dine-and-dash!"
Wizard: "I cast witch bolt."
Fighter: "Which bolt do you cast?"
The fighter and wizard got into a fight with a group of thugs. One of the thugs was named Ali the Weasel. After Ali the Weasel was knocked down, the wizard cast sleep on him. Then the fighter picked him up and dumped him in a cart full of chamber pot offal.
Rogue: "His name's Ali Smelly ben Smelly now."
The warlock shows the other PCs that he can communicate with them telepathically.
Fighter: "Can you hear what I'm thinking?"
Rogue: "You'd have to have a thought."
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Had a fun one at the table last night.
My Paladin-king is trying to amass as many troops as possible to defend against an invading army.
Looking at Fey Queen ally.
Thad: What kind of troops can you have here quickly?
Fey Queen: By tomorrow morning? the best I could do would be 100 snow leopards and 500 sprites, any others would travel mundanely and take a few days to get here..
It's difficult to get that many Leopards in one place... and beware, Sprites do not fight 'orderly'. They will be a chaotic fleet.
Thad (looking at rest of group): First World problems....
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Had a fun one at the table last night.
My Paladin-king is trying to amass as many troops as possible to defend against an invading army.
Looking at Fey Queen ally.
Thad: What kind of troops can you have here quickly?
Fey Queen: By tomorrow morning? the best I could do would be 100 snow leopards and 500 sprites, any others would travel mundanely and take a few days to get here..
It's difficult to get that many Leopards in one place... and beware, Sprites do not fight 'orderly'. They will be a chaotic fleet.
Thad (looking at rest of group): First World problems....
Not that I'm knocking you at all, but I think "Fey World problems" would have been funnier.
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Not that I'm knocking you at all, but I think "Fey World problems" would have been funnier.
The First World IS the Fey World.
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GMing "The Overflow Archives". Not much of a spoiler to say that one level of the Archives have these tunnels that are quite narrow in places -- noarrower than one square. (Also not lined up with the square grid. Makes it a bit tough if combat happens there.)
One of the characters is an Ulfen-stock aasimar barbiarn who's very burly and muscelly, and makes comments about wanting to go into the passageways that are a big larger.
A slight tiefling in the party says to the Ulfen, "If you weren't so burly and thick, you'd fit into some tunnels a bit better."
The Ulfen responds, in a perfect accent and roleplayed perfectly in tone in the voice, "A young lass said that to me one time."
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Is there any humorous situation where "that's what she said" doesn't apply? :)
That would make more sense then. I've never read any Golarion-specific books.
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I need to throw an old school story in. In a high level campaign the fighters and clerics had moved around a wall to engage a mess of demons. As the wizard, I cast a spell, glassee, the turned it into one-way glass and proceeded to target the demons and devils with magic. For protection, I never went anywhere without my friend, the thief, so I asked him to hide in the shadows near me for protection.
One incredibly powerful demon is tired of all the nasty magic laying waste to his buddies that he can't see, and teleports to the other side of the wall with his four arms full of nasty swords to teach my wizard a lesson. Of course the prepared thief is able to jump out and get in a backstab with his trusty magic longsword and dagger, and hit with both.
The longsword rolls like 70+ damage because the thief did quintuple damage. And our DM has had not had much to cheer about because we were mopping up the final battle, and he wanted to make it exciting. After checking the creature's stats, he starts jumping up and down, "He has 5 hp left!!" He starts planning on what nasty things the demon is going to do to my poor wizard.
Rich, the thief player, turns to us quietly and says, "When should I ask to roll for the dagger? I don't want to ruin his moment."
Another line that was often used with the same gaming group that always seemed to get laughs.
My high level wizard had just learned clone, and so he asked the paladin and fighter to store the clone in their castle where it would be protected. The paladin was raising a young silver dragon, and the fighter decided he needed to have a pet too, and chose a young chimera he found he named 'Shimmy'.
Any time it looked like my wizard was in trouble, the fighter would say:
"Is it a bad time to mention Shimmy got out of his cage and ate your clone again?"
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DM: You finish fighting the demonic wasp queen and her thralls. How do you proceed?
Players: What about the larvae in the nest? Are they EVIL?
DM: They aren't evil. They're just ordinary giant wasp larvae.Thank god there was a druid in the party. I'm certain if he wasn't there the players would have set fire to the whole building.
Wasps are always evil.
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Okay, a player at our table has been keeping track of the one-liners that made the whole table laugh for a while now. Here they are:
Make it fit!
This hole was made for me.
The boulder bouldered you!
Ooh, it's a boulder stable.
Cone of seduction!
Aggressive sexual attack.
So, are we just killing people as we go along?
You almost have a foot in the door (a metal foot is being used as a lever).
You may get a chance to kick out the foot.
Sword of female excitement.
Her sword blossoms!
Grease the pig and kick it through.
Anyone have any lube? Dry lube, wet lube?
I circumcise the column.
It's not cake, but you are treating it like cake.
No one likes a festering pig.
Orcs make excellent pinatas.
Throwing dragon!
Do you strip the bodies, take the bodies, play with the bodies?
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Okay, this is neither a oneliner nor was it at the table, but I had to laugh today.
A friend of mine recently founded a new Pathfinder group. The first GM was booted after one session, the second one (they decided to rotate) judged a written module and after the group finishes the module designed by the third GM...
Him: "We're gonna start Skulls&Shackles!"
Me: "That's pretty cool. I didn't want to GM it back when we decided what to play, so my group had to decide between Carrion Crown, Kingmaker and Serpent's Skull." [These were the only APs available in German at the time, Rise of the Runelords was coming up though]
Him: "Oh yeah, I bought the first Kingmaker module already. I will GM this after we finished the AP."
Me: "Wait...you play weekly, right? And about 4-5 hours each week?"
Him: "Yeah, so? Should take us a few months to finish the AP, right?"
I then told him that we started Carrion Crown about two years ago and finished the third module recently. My group plays 1-2 times a month for 5-7 hours (though we had some slips of schedule because of real life and inner-group-dating gone bad). He was...surprised, to say the least.
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"Look, I'll give you a turkey to set on fire, just don't kill these guys!"
In response: "I'm appalled! I demand a monkey, at least!"
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So the same group I play 3 Pathfinder Adventure Paths with I also play Shadowrun. We get most of our laughs from Shadowrun for some odd reason. We currently have:
The DM/GM Dave
A Shinto Priestess trained Japanese Girl Adept named Reina played by Ben
A Big Burly Body Building Troll Adept named Truck played by Jake
An Unlucky Lucky Jack-of-All-Trades Human named Sam also played by Jake
A human Decker named Jack played by Mike
An assassin with a Code named Ace played by Zack
And a Hermetic Healer Magician named Electra played by me.
Ever since Sam has entered the picture, the boys of the group have gotten into some pretty stupid situations. One of these situations evolved a Monster Truck Rally Race through downtown Redmond. Instead of destroying in a pit these Trucks were racing through destroying other people's cars including the Motorcycles belonging to a gang. Jack was following behind these Monster Trucks on his Motorcycle while Sam was holding onto Jack's Motorcycle while on his Hoverboard.
Angry Gang Members start throwing live grenades at Monster Truck, destroying one. One live grenade gets very close to Jack and Sam. Sam gets a critical glitch thanks to rolling a 1 on his unlucky d6, something he has to roll every time he uses his lucky dice. Sam and Jack crash after Sam unsuccessfully trys to shoot the grenade away with a rubber bullet. Jack is fine, his Motorcycle is not. Sam's hooverboard is fine, Sam however is not.
Jack somehow drives Sam to Jack's mechanic, who also happens to be a Chop Shop owner, and calls Electra since she's a doctor. Electra is high life style and has a nice Sader Krup Bently Concordant vehicle. She comes to her teammates aid only to find that it's a chop shop.
Here is where it begins to get funny:
Electra: *performs First Aid on Sam to stop the most serious of his wounds*
GM: This shop located in Redmond and there are a lot of people looking at Electra's car. *begins hinting at Chop Shop*
Electra: *becomes Paranoid about her car* "Sam get in the Backseat of my car."
Sam: "Woah I just met you. At least treat me to dinner and a nice drink first."
Electra: "I don't want people messing with my car and I want to cast a Heal spell on you. I will levitate you if you don't move."
Sam: "Oh! Why didn't you say so about healing!" *goes to Electra's backseat*
(( Electra is a magician who has a Mentor Spirit. Whenever a Magician or Adept has a Mentor Spirit and they cast a spell, their Shamatic Mask is shown. In Electra's case her Mentor Spirit is the Fire-Bringer, a symbol of help, aid and invention. The stronger the spell cast, the more the shamatic mask is seen.))
Electra: *Casts a lvl 8 Healing Spell on Sam*
GM: It becomes very hot and steamy in the Backseat of Electra's car. Sam finds he is very warm and feels much better after entering the backseat with Electra. (Game pauses here for about 5-10 minutes)
Sam: "That was awesome!" *Goes off to find Jack* (( His player just rolls with this ))
Jack: *is waiting on his Motorcycle nearby as Electra performs her healing* without missing a beat he says "So she's good isn't she?"
Sam: "Yeah man she is, I feel so good!"
(Game also pauses for another 5 minutes)
Electra: *Gives both guys the finger as they make their dirty jokes*
My group still won't let me live this down -.- at least they make it funny though.
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I need to throw an old school story in. In a high level campaign the fighters and clerics had moved around a wall to engage a mess of demons. As the wizard, I cast a spell, glassee, the turned it into one-way glass and proceeded to target the demons and devils with magic. For protection, I never went anywhere without my friend, the thief, so I asked him to hide in the shadows near me for protection.
One incredibly powerful demon is tired of all the nasty magic laying waste to his buddies that he can't see, and teleports to the other side of the wall with his four arms full of nasty swords to teach my wizard a lesson. Of course the prepared thief is able to jump out and get in a backstab with his trusty magic longsword and dagger, and hit with both.
The longsword rolls like 70+ damage because the thief did quintuple damage. And our DM has had not had much to cheer about because we were mopping up the final battle, and he wanted to make it exciting. After checking the creature's stats, he starts jumping up and down, "He has 5 hp left!!" He starts planning on what nasty things the demon is going to do to my poor wizard.
Rich, the thief player, turns to us quietly and says, "When should I ask to roll for the dagger? I don't want to ruin his moment."
That was beautiful...
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A while ago on Legacy of Fire:
A thoroughly villanous scumbag NPC gets annoyed that someone has made off with some easy pickings before he got to them, and shouts out loud:
"WHO TOOK THE GOLD? WHAT'S AN HONEST THIEF SUPPOSED TO DO?!"
To which the group's ranger turns around and in a complete deadpan shouts back:
"TAKE UP POLITICS!"
Game was then paused for five minutes before yours truly could continue with the storytelling without snickering like an idiot.
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A while ago on Legacy of Fire:
A thoroughly villanous scumbag NPC gets annoyed that someone has made off with some easy pickings before he got to them, and shouts out loud:
"WHO TOOK THE GOLD? WHAT'S AN HONEST THIEF SUPPOSED TO DO?!"
To which the group's ranger turns around and in a complete deadpan shouts back:
"TAKE UP POLITICS!"
Game was then paused for five minutes before yours truly could continue with the storytelling without snickering like an idiot.
You take notes of the funny things we say each and every session, and you still end up repeating a quote you shared on the previous page? ;P
So, let's make it up by sharing something that made the whole table laugh cringe instead! (Because I can't remember what actually had people laughing last time).
PCs: So by the way, what's your name?
NPC: Undrella.
Me, OOC: So before, when she was singing, was she actually singing "You can stand under my und-e-rella, ella, ella, eh, -.."
GM: ARRGH! MINUS XP!!!
Me: But you said it sounded horrible!
GM: ... alright, I'll give you that one.
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Gah, forgot I had already shared that one. My bad. :) At this rate, I'll share it again in a month ...
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Our 8th level Kingmaker party were travelling back to Owlbear Keep after saving, well, everybody, and the triumph and relief led to most of the party feeling mischievous.
Perhaps it was an error in judgement to allow Buzzbee, our gnome druid, to prepare the food, but the herbs he added were new to Poet, my Int 5 paladin...!
The DM told us that we all felt like dancing. The rest of the party started dancing, happily.
'Poet doesn't dance!' says I.
The DM assured me that Poet did, indeed, feel like dancing.
'Detect Evil!'
I could hear nothing but laughter over the Internet for a few minutes, and marveled at the immersion of my fellow players.
That was some tasty stew.
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So last night I finished running The Harrowing for my group.
...and then one of the players says, in and out of character, "Oh my God! We forgot Melogine!!"
Melogine, in case you haven't played The Harrowing, is a Varisian scholar who was sucked into the Harrowed Realm. The same realm that your party goes to.
So last night I finished running The Harrowing for my group. *** SPOILER ***
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We're in the Emerald Spire. Our group has so far:
1) hid bees in the privy
2) poisoned the hellknights
3) gotten everyone else in the fort high at the same time
4) freed slaves while enslaving a hellknight named Thaddeus
5) freed child slaves, only to teach them how to be child assassins.
6) offered to take some thieves with us, only to murder them later because they had apparently planned to betray other thieves.
They didn't tell my character (LE Syrinx arcanist who's become appalled at the violent gullible sex-crazed Flightless people) what they were planning on doing with the thieves, but they did talk about when they were going to murder Thaddeus. (I kept saying, "at least wait until his servitude has ended!")
So we dodge one of those statues that punches people, and I turn a corner. I hear a gunshot, then another, then turn back to see both thieves on the ground with bullet wounds in their heads.
Dwarf Gun Tank: "I roll Bluff on her: The statue shot them!" *Double-taps thief*
So last night I finished running The Harrowing for my group.
Thanks for giving away information that I did not need/want to see...
Me: Should I buy a wand of cure moderate wounds?
Table Vet: Nah, two wands of cure light wounds would be better than that.
Later in the campaign.
Table Vet: Why do you have two wands of cure light wounds?!
Me: You said that I should buy them!
Table Vet: When I said they were better I didn't mean buy two of them!
Other Table Vet: *laughing* G%+*~$mit Bri.
