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Oh, so WE'VE been cursed. That's nice.
My brother, Pulgh, collects curses.
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I'm very imaginative, you need only say it and I can imagine it.
So, nothing. Absolute zero.
Ok, so what is the number of things you can imagine that so far have not been said to you?
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Oh, right, I honestly thought that he collected purses.
He does. The curses have to be kept somewhere, after all.
In all honesty? I'd have to say infinity, because I can literally imagine anything!I'm very imaginative, you need only say it and I can imagine it.
So, nothing. Absolute zero.
Ok, so what is the number of things you can imagine that so far have not been said to you?
Imagine Pascal's Wager and then impart to us how you know it is not true?
In all honesty? I'd have to say infinity, because I can literally imagine anything!I'm very imaginative, you need only say it and I can imagine it.
So, nothing. Absolute zero.
Ok, so what is the number of things you can imagine that so far have not been said to you?
Imagine Set Theory does not exist and give a new definition of 'infinity'?
To put both questions to rest, I'll answer thusly:
With the way my mind works, I could've created the universe itself.
Why do you imagine you didn't create the universe?
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I demand to be in the red corner, or else I ain't fighting!
Agh! Bloody primadonna! There's no chance of getting any of the other Archons in at this sort of notice, and Sophia'll have a fit. Blue clashes with her toenail polish.
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*Mercilessly devours Sophia whole. Belches in content.*
We won't be seeing her for a while, until I cough her back up again!
*Laughs loudly and horrendously, sickening all that are present.*
Oh, don't worry everyone, I haven't properly eaten her. So she'll be just fine!
*Takes the spot at the red corner of the ring.*
Alright, who's next to challenge me?
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*Writes out a letter to Vampire Schism (in red ink this time), during a brief interval.*
Fondest greetings, daughter, I trust all is well with you and that the castle is still in one piece.
*Chuckles at this, then realises how it could be interpreted.*
Hopefully, everything really is OK. As I have not heard from you in a while.
Dear Father,
Unfortunately, not everything is OK; I'll address them individually.Even with the Comptess's help, there is so much to do.
I really admire that you could do it all by yourself.
I have a few important tasks for you to do, so that everything can smoothly when I return.
1. Please send me a report on the apple cart, you should remember me saying that, in a previous letter, it is not to be upset under any circumstances. I do not wish to spend more money on expensive therapy sessions because of its overly sensitive nature.
Some animal activist nuts broke into the zoo and freed many of the pets.
Luckily they weren't able to free the more dangerous as those pens had quadruple locking mechanisms.The freed pets upset the apple cart.
It got its revenge by backtracking the pets and running over and over and over the activists while they were still working on the first quadruple lock.
It now has a contented smile on its face.
All the pets are back in their habitats and new security measures are now in place.
Including quadruple locks for all, the activists are now the security guards after their minds were wiped and the proper personalities were implanted.
2. Go to the castle library and research all books entitled "Where's Wally". I want you to familiarize yourself with everything, as I intend to go on another fantastic journey, this time with you.
I am familiar with Sir Wallace, but it has been some time since I have read his adventure journals.
I went to the library, but they were not there; did you loan them out?3. Dedrick the professor is working on a project for me on the 3rd highest level of the castle. I'll explain everything when I return but, in the meantime, give him as much assistance as you can.
Sorry to say I almost attacked the Professor when I saw him wandering around since no one knew he was here until then.
Luckily he gave the pass code before I could do him harm.After he explained his needs I hired two assistants to aid him and assigned a maid to take care of their bedrooms and to make sure they get proper food and rest.
The security troll makes sure no one enters or leaves the lab without the professor accompanying them and the security octopus does the cavity searches.
I look forward to your next missive.
Your daughter.
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Dear daughter,
Thank you for informing me about the apple cart situation. It's good to know that the therapy sessions are working out for it. Now I can save up to get you a brand new carriage.
And commendable work with the pets and activists, couldn't have done it better myself.
In regards to the adventure journals of Sir Wallace, I have now remembered that I did lend them out.
My sincerest apologies for that. However, Fish-Malkovich (whom I lent the books to) will return them later on today.
Greatly appreciate that you did not harm the professor, otherwise the project he's working on for me would never get done. I find it curious that he needs a lab for what he needs to do, but he excels at his tasks with phenomenal success. So it's probably best to leave him to it.
In the meantime, I'm sending a new acquisition to help out later on.
Take care of yourself until I get back,
Dad
Fish-Malkovich is presently busy wrestling Metatron, and won't be back for a while, I fear.
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*As the wrestling match intensifies, Metatron puts Fish-Malkovich in a choke hold.*
Hey, Pulg, care to do me a favour? I need you to return the books to Castle Heydrich.
You can't miss them, they're the adventure journals of Sir Wallace.
*Gets out of the choke hold and piledrivers Metatron.*
They're in my locker, next my to latest issue of Fairy Bands Weekley.
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Mulligatawny soup!
Yes, Fish-Malkovich, I will happily return your books to Count Reiner, as I also have his copy of Fairy Bands Weekly (incorporating Surprising Parp Enthusiast, and Goblin Organ Digest) to deliver.
Now may be the time to employ the Malkovic Mauler, followed by an elbow drop from the top rope.
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Sounds good, I'll do it right now!
*Fish-Malkovich does indeed employ the Malkovic Mauler, then he performs an elbow drop from the top rope.*
Going for the win (the match, not the forum game)!
*After an intense beat down, Metatron is pinned and admits defeat.*
I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm taking a little break!
Pineapple walrus 9
Keyword = eye
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Auuuw, fackin' 'ell, I smell like a old fackin' tin of fackin' choona, and my fackin' foundation's gone all streaky. 'Ere, Pulg, are me eyebrows on straight?
OOH!
Mr. Grinch has a girlfriend.
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*Takes a little break from working on the project.*
Alright, my assistants, I'm having a momentary rest. Just keep stirring the flubber until I return.
*Exits the lab, quickly whispers to the security troll:*
It doesn't actually need stirring, it's just something for them to do.
*Has a brief laugh with the security troll, then heads to quarters.*
Finally! I needed this, I've been working hard and I'm almost done.
*Examines the recent postcard.*
Let's see... aha!
Woof can just be seen over by the swimming pool, Wenda is by the football
pitch (which is in complete shambles. As you have football - soccer - players, rugby players and American football players all confused and mixed up), Wizard Whitebeard is is amongst a crowd of people cheering on some basketball players, Odlaw happens to be serving as referee for a wrestling match, and the star fragment is in the centre of the ice hockey rink.
And I've just noticed that the superhero is the previously mentioned superman lookalike (with the inverted colour scheme), and the clown is one of the original travellers.
*Receives a surprise missive from the count.*
What's this? It must be important.
*Reads the letter, becomes a bit disappointed.*
Looks like I need to pull some overtime in order to complete these new demands. No matter, I have the genius and resources to succeed!
*Go back to the lab and continues with the project.*
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Alright then. Since I am now (amongst so many other things) Mount Crumpet's Hairy Flying Newsagent, let's see what I need to deliver.
* Several dozen copies of 'Fairy Bands Weekly', of course.
* 'Vampire Papa' magazine, for Count Reiner
* 'Just 1,017', for Schism
* 'Tosser's Delight', and 'Reader's Randy Housemaids', for the Comte de Malodor
* 'The Adventures of Pingu', for Fish-Malkovich
* And, in a lead coffin, chained shut, under guard by armed Grey Knight Terminators, and protected with eldritch seals of mind-boggling potency, several copies of 'Chat' and 'Take A Break'. The expurgated versions will go to GoatToucher; the uncensored can only be handled by Lady Blackmoor and the Dowager Comtesse.
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*Baleful glaring at Schism.*
You're not teasing me, are you?
No Sir!
Hold on, so waiters don't normally have flaming backsides?
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No, they don't. Only in Chicago, will you see it more frequently.
And not the Chicago you're thinking of, there's another one.
*Studies the postcard, desperately trying to change the subject.*
Woof can just be seen poking out from behind a "fruit machine". Wenda is located in the staff kitchen, among a
group of chefs (one of whom, is Elvis Presley, as there's five of him in this scene). Wizard Whitebeard is on the stage (actually located backstage), amid disorganised and argumentative stage hands. Odlaw is over at the same blackjack table as the count, being one of the card players (and probably cheating). And the star fragment is on the belt buckle of one of the fire-breathers.
How do you know which San Diego I'm thinking about?
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I thought you preferred San Diego. Or so Waterhammer told me, before he died.
No, he told you that piece of misinformation, after his death. Probably was haunting you, but then got bored. Now he rides the endless highway on a 2001 Suzuki Bandit 1200. ‘Cause that’s not boring.
Sandy Eggo? Sounds a little gritty…
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Waterhammer rode the endless highway. It was flat and straight, from horizon to horizon. Waterhammer grew bored. This must be hell. He thought. He rolled open the Bandits throttle. The bikes muttering changed to a throaty scream; its speedometer needle swinging over to 170. That was high as it could go. And far beyond the bikes real life speed. Waterhammer smiled. Not hell after all… Waterhammer smirked to himself. Over 260 kmph. Really sounds like a lot when you do it metric.
Waterhammer knew his bikes fuel economy went really down as the throttle was opened more and more. As if on cue, he spotted an old dilapidated gas station ahead. The old sign portrayed a strange creature. Part winged horse of red, and part green dinosaur. “Back to thinking it’s hell.” Waterhammer muttered. He pulled up to the gas pump and set the bike on its center stand. Sounds of music wafted from the diner that was part of the gas station. Intrigued, Waterhammer strode over to the door and let himself inside. A three-piece band was playing. Jimmi Hendrix on guitar. Lemmy on base. And Keith Moon on drums. Waterhammer knew it would have to be great. He stepped over to the bar. The girl behind it was Jenny. Well, not really Jenny, that was Gump’s girl. Same story though.
“Gimme a Sierra Nevada.” Waterhammer told the girl. He sipped at the ale. It was cold and delicious. Perfect.
What wasn’t perfect was the band. Jimmi was playing Jimmi. Lemmy was doing Motörhead. And Keith was drumming out Happy Jack.
“Death is strange.” Mused Waterhammer. “But ale.” He took another sip.