Director of Brand Strategy
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Hand of Vengeance
I'm assuming this is limited to only single, targeted spells as opposed to area effects, as cited in the description. It's got a neat mechanic that's a little different than just spell turning...but what happens if the wielder of the hand of vengeance never strikes back at the caster? Or someone else successfully slays them before the avenging weaponsmith can? Is the star sapphire lost? Is the spell kept inside the gauntlet and unable to be released on anyone else? Does it eventually detonate on the user?
I'm also not a fan of all the material components woven into the construction requirements. People really seem to either a) think that's necessary or b) think it makes the item cooler. When, in fact, it's just wasted words.
Lastly, I actually a cooler version of this item would be one that protects against spells that employ touch attacks. Many armored warriors get hosed by those spells because they can ignore armor bonuses. If the designer had chosen to weave in a spite effect from the witch's spell list, by absorbing an incoming touch spell and then returning it via the warrior's next strike, I think that would work better.
(Feedback on Crystal Fly)
Thanks very much! This was very valuable to me because, while I knew that this item had some potential for ambiguity, the things you found ambiguous were not the things I expected. Good to know for future years.
Jeebus, you guys are machines! I am pretty sure at least. Thank you for the free clinic!
Wow. That wasnt nearly as helpful as id hoped. Thanks.anyways i guess.
Vistarius, how was Sean's comments not nearly as helpful as you had hoped?
Let me help you more.
Heart’s Joy
Aura Faint Evocation, Faint Conjuration (Healing); CL 5th
Slot Neck; Price 7,840 gp; Weight -
Description
Soldiers who have something to fight for are often the most effective; and the same can be said of adventurers. To remind them of whom or what they fight for, many carry with them a memento. These ordinary objects renew their spirit and provide them the inspiration to fight against all odds and emerge victorious. Heart’s Joy is a silvery chain that glows slightly at the touch and ends in a claw shaped clip that can be attached to any small, non-magical, non-use item (such as a lock of hair, or a metal figurine but not a lockpick or a weapon) and grant that item magical properties while the clip is connected and the item is worn around the neck. The clip must be connected and the item worn for 24 hours before it takes effect.
Once per day, when the user has been reduced to less than 1 hit point, he is instead reduced to 1 hit point, the remaining damage negated (though it does not prevent death from massive damage or from causes other than hit point loss.). He is then granted either a move action that provokes an attack of opportunity (though he gains a +4 dodge bonus to AC against the attack) or an immediate attack of opportunity that automatically threatens a critical hit (though the roll to hit and confirm must be made as normal). This extra attack does not stack with those granted by haste or similar effects.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, Mobility, Haste, Hero's Defiance; Cost 3,920gp
First, Lame name. Sure, not everything has to be "X of the Y Z," but your name really tells nothing about the item. So that right there is a big weakness in your item, your writing and your design decisions.
Second, all this should be cut: "Soldiers who have something to fight for are often the most effective; and the same can be said of adventurers. To remind them of whom or what they fight for, many carry with them a memento. These ordinary objects renew their spirit and provide them the inspiration to fight against all odds and emerge victorious." If you'd done your homework from prior years, you would see this content is frowned upon. It doesnt exist in actual published items. It shouldn't be in yours. What it is really is just poor restraint by the author who just can't help but add in some extra story! Learn to write for the assignment, not for you. So that tells us you aren't really following proper design instructions. Now, that said, I won't say an over-written intro sentence is fatal. It isn't. But its frowned upon, and you gave us two such sentences.
Third, and here is where Sean is very helpful in his comments, the powers of your item are not well thought out. How can you grant an immediate AoO if you were killed by a range attack and you have no targets near you? You can't. So that power doesnt work. Or is granted a move action. Who decides? The GM? The player? Poorly thought through and broken, just like Sean said. Plus, what is stopping a player from buying 5 of these, keeping them in the pocket and putting a new one on after the last is used up? You have to think through all these metagame elements of items, too.
He liked the idea that a momento item, such as a hair or some other token of a loved on, would grant a power. That is a neat idea. But then you have to execute.
Your item is a good core idea with really bad execution. This was not a near miss. This is a great example of a clear reject item. I'd be surprised if even one judge voted to keep. The fact your item got little comment from Sean is likely because there is little to discuss. I think you think your item is better than it is. Its not.
My comment would have been: "Broken. Reject."
Take these comments to heart. Think through all of the powers you grant. Get a better name and some tighter design. Cut out the useless writing that is just showing off and has little to do with item design (show me one actual wondrous item that has the prose in the first two sentences that yours does--you can't, because none exist), and come back strong next year. But don't suggest the judge's comments weren't helpful.
Clark
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Director of Brand Strategy
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Diadem of the Spider
(Note: this one was in consideration for a very long time, but missed out on the top spots in the final evaluation)
* Ok; it doesn't create a swarm so this is a villain item I think.
"The spiders attack all creatures as normal, except the wearer, who gains a +4 circumstance bonus against the swarm's distraction."
I don't get this. Is this a template issue I'm not familiar with? "swarm's distraction"? Shouldn't the wearer just be immune to the swarm?
Love the concealment & damage reduction effect. What's an "intelligent swarm"?
Another item that requires record keeping. :(
The last sentence kind of mars the item. Keep it spider specific, IMO.
* Not necessarily. This is an item designed to take control of a spider swarm, including those that might have been summoned by a spellcaster or various monster summon swarm abilities. The description does leave me wondering what happens if you're facing more than a single spider swarm. Can you control more than one? Do they all collectively use up the 13 rounds?
Swarms carry with them a distraction ability that makes spellcasting and concentration difficult. Basically, anytime a swarm ends its movement in your square of terrain, you face a saving throw to maintain your concentration as they distract you by swarming over you. This item is saying that it doesn't preclude the wearer of the diadem from that distraction, just that they get a bonus against it.
The core element to this item is that you get to surround yourself with a blanket of swarming insects. Anyone who attempts to close with you will take automatic damage from the swarm for as long as they stay inside it. So, the "beauty" of it is that if you're a spellcaster you can keep the melee guys off you (or they pay a price if they stick around)...and unlike most spellcasters caught within a swarm, you don't suffer as difficult a concentration check to keep hurling your spells.
I didn't like the concealment effect. I mean, it's not that hard to see stuff inside an insect swarm. And with spiders, it's not like a blanket of them isn't still going to highlight exactly where you are.
I can buy off on the damage reduction since it specifies it only absorbs damage that could harm a swarm. Most melee weapons can't harm a swarm, so there's no protection from swords and arrows. Instead, it protects against area effect damage like alchemist's fire or a fireball by absorbing 5 points of damage for the guy wearing the diadem. And, that makes sense, since such damage ought to boil off some of the spiders before the flames or whatever can reach you. So that's cool.
Some swarms (rarely) have intelligence. A hellwasp swarm, for instance, can think. With the new Advanced Player's Guide for the Pathfinder RPG, there's a spell called swarm skin where someone can turn all their flesh into swarms and send them crawling off their bones to go scout, explore, etc. with their intelligence controlling them. So that would count as an intelligent swarm, too. The description for this item is saying that those kind of swarms get a save vs. the diadem's control. And, they get another save if they're damaged while being used to protect the wearer.
I'm also kind of bothered by the auto-success of influencing even non-intelligent spider swarms. Normally they're immune to mind-affecting effects, one of the benefits of a swarm. If this item is going to make a spider swarm susceptible to such a mind-affecting effect, I'd like to give them a save. I'm also not a fan of the 13 rounds per day mechanic which don't have to be used consecutively. You're right. That just throws more recordkeeping at the GM and the players. There are other class specific abilities that function this way in the Pathfinder RPG. I don't know that we need to keep adding more effects in the form of wondrous items that perpetuate that mechanic.
Nevertheless, thematically, this item is kind of appealing. I can see a lot of folks who love roleplaying drow getting a lot of mileage out of this thing. The designer also got everything right in the execution of the template that was provided, so he or she has a real attention to detail going. This kind of workmanship might deserve keeping around for a bit.
So, I'm a weak Keep at the moment.
* Given the fact that this designer accounted for so many things (distraction, intelligence, etc.) that actually increases my opinion to weak keep. I like people who do that - so many people just hand wave and hope.
* If this summoned a swarm, maybe, but at the moment it just takes an existing swarm and brings it to you. It crawls all over you but doesn't "attack" (which is exactly how a swarm attacks) and you could still end up with it messing up your additional spells and actions? I also don't understand what exactly an intelligent swarm is, nor why a swarm (treated as a single creature in the rules) only gets a save if someone already controls it. This seems like a villain/campaign item to deal with a player or NPC who's build depends on summoning and controlling spider swarms, otherwise it's pretty much useless for a PC.
* Didn't we already reject another "I use a swarm as a defense" item this year?
I'm a bit annoyed that this lets you steal a swarm from someone else's control (mind you, you need creeping doom, a drd 7 spell, to actually have a swarm under your control), and presumably someone else couldn't use another item just like this to steal it back from you.
You may as well make the wearer immune to the swarm's distraction and spare them an easy save every round.
I don't see how a layer of spiders is going to absorb incoming damage against you. If ten unconscious guys in the same square can all take damage from a fireball, how can this swarm protect you against that?
Allowing you to break its uses into a per-round basis is just a way to cheese more use out of the duration.
Stick to the spider theme, don't let it affect other kinds of vermin.
And the whole thing requires there to be an existing swarm within 100 feet. If there isn't, you lose!
Wow. That wasnt nearly as helpful as id hoped. Thanks.anyways i guess.I am not Sean K Reynolds, but:
I don't think the free action is broken (in fact I like that you toned it down to something less than a standard action, but which still feels like a nice burst of morale), I think the problem is that it is a magic item that keeps you from dying. The problem with magic items (especially magic items under 10k) is that as adventurers gain levels they can buy more and more of them. What happens if they always carry around four or five of these? As a 1-time thing, cheating death is cool and cinematic, but as something you can pay 7k a pop for (and buy more when you run out) it just makes it so that adventuring stops being dangerous.
You may say that each person should only have one memento (no collecting 30 of your wife's hairs and going back for more when you run out), and in that case you're falling under "home campaign item". That limitation might work fine in your game, but you can't count on every DM being as sentimental, and if PCs CAN get multiples of this then the game is officially broken.
As a feat, that you can only take once and that worked once per week or so, I think this would work great, but with magic items you always have to think about how filthy-rich 15th level PCs will abuse it. Does that help?
Nicolas, nice work. That is good feedback. I see we are on the same page. :) By the way, I, too, happen to like the retributive aspect of the item--a limited move or a AoO. But you have to work through that stuff.
V, I know it can be hard to hear but this is just not a good item. It shows some clear rookie design flaws. Improve. Use these comments. Grow. Come back strong next year.
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Director of Brand Strategy
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Animist’s Core
(Note: This one seemed to be a strong contender to edge its way into the Top 32 or at least as an alternate, but just barely didn't make the cut in the end.)
* Not sure how I feel about this one. Is it game-breaking to have a portable, reusable item that can make your animate objects spells permanent for 90,000 gp? I mean, it is a spell that can be made permanent with permanency at 15,000 gp a pop...and it requires a 14th level caster. I think I'd feel more comfortable with this item if the animist's core could only pull off this feat a limited number of times before going dormant or burning itself out. That would resonate better with the Technic League tie-in to Numeria, too...as those wizards still likely don't understand exactly what they're messing with.
Aside from that, I still kind of like this item. It's new and innovative in doing something cooler with the animate objects spell and the extra build points from the write-up for animated objects in the Pathfinder Bestiary. There's a spark of creativity here and some pretty good attention to presentation and flavor that might be worth rewarding with a shot at the Top 32.
* Keep. Love this item - tight design, mechanical excellence, even a bit of Pathfinder flavor.
* Eh, this one's ok. The Numeria flavor seems added after the fact, and the extra construction points and bonus on attack rolls could be seen as a little broken. Permanency doesn't grant those things, and there's nothing in the pricing to indicate where the bonuses come from. Could I spend those CP to change the creature's construction material (from common metal to mithril, for example, a 2CP cost)? There's also a lot of room for interpretation in the "to the best of its ability" order following aspect. Can it craft alchemical items if I tell it how to do it and it has prehensile digits or limbs? Can it trace a library's worth of maps onto other pieces of paper? Unless it actually gains an Intelligence score, these things are just plot points and not really the kind of thing I'd like added to a creature through a wondrous item.
* You can already use permanency to make animated objects permanent, so I don't see how this item is much more than (a reusable) permanency in a can.
* Yes, the mechanics weren't necessarily all there, but I'd kind of like to see someone playing around with a construct-enhancing item
I would like to see that sort of item, too, but this isn't that--this is making an animating spell permanent. If it actually modified real constructs in some way, like supercharging them for X rounds per day, that would be cool, but this is just permanency, which is why I voted to reject it.
* This item does allow extra construction points (CPs), though...a +2 bonus on the construct's attack and damage rolls...and "the ability to accept complex instructions," which, admittedly, I wish the designer had clarified better by ascribing an actual Int score or something.
Still, I felt they were pushing more than just permanency-in-a-can with it. And, in fact, I'd really rather have seen them only allow the animist's core to work a handful of times...i.e., to supercharge an animated object rather than make it permanent. Thus, I think we're in closer agreement than not on this one.
Even so, I'd be inclined to make this an alternate. My 4th alternate, in fact, so it's unlikely it'll ever see the light of day in the actual competition. I just like the direction and spark and core idea of this item better than several of the others. And, by marking it an alternate, I think it could prop up the designer and encourage them to really assess the things that almost got them into the Top 32. I guess I see more promise in the creativity here than some of the other stuff in the Keep pile.
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Director of Brand Strategy
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* I kind of like this one. The Golarion flavor is understandable and thematically appropriate.
There are some small quibbles, though. It should probably be a +4 competence bonus to Bluff and Diplomacy rather than an enhancement bonus. There are 4 tassels of each color, and they all reappear twenty-four hours later. That seems like more than enough metamagic to last an entire adventuring day. And yet, this item is undercosted compared to a rod of metamagic. They've also gone with the Old English splendour vs. splendor.
You can tell the designer has really applied themselves to using the template correctly and presenting everything as clearly as possible, though. This might be an item worth keeping around for discussion. Not sure it's Top 32. But might be worth a golden ticket or an alternate.
* Who counts as a "betraying lover"?
One of the advantages of Charm is supposed to be that the target doesn't really notice they've been affected by magic. The sting combined with "treating the caster as a lover" seems overpowered and quite noticeable.
I also agree that this is a LOT of metamagic. At low levels, Charm is one of the best spells available. 9K doesn't seem an out of reach amount for someone in that level 3-5 space where Charming is routine....
* 1. do you really need to be extending your charm person spells? They already last 1 hour/level, and you'd expect to have this item at around level 8, so you already have them for the whole day. 3000gp for a lesser extend rod 3/day.
2. I don't like the implication of "the target of the spell treats the caster as a lover." Basic charm is "trusted friend and ally," and I'm concerned that this sash becomes the sash of date rape because you can force anyone to think that you're already in a sexual relationship with them.
3. Disruptive Spell as a lesser rod 3/day is also 3000 gp for 3/day, but it would get multiplied by 150% because it's a second ability in an item. But note that the lesser rod would only affect up to a 3rd-level spell... the black tassels don't have a spell level limit, which means they actually functioning like a greater disruptive spell rod (which affects spells up to level 9), which is 24,000 gp. BTW it's Disruptive Spell, not Disrupting Spell.
4. ... with the weird limitation of "works only on a lover who's betrayed you." I don't know what D&D you're playing, but I don't think that comes up more than once in most games. Which means that power is all but useless... and the item is really a plot device.
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Director of Brand Strategy
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Absalom Amulet of Distinction
(note that the actual submission did include markup)
* Intro quote addressing the character. Boo.
If you pass the Test of the Starstone, you don't need to recruit followers in the city, you'll actually be a god.
It uses "distinct" as if it were a game term.
For the most part, I don't see anyone actually trying to use this item. The only things really valuable are the skill bonuses, and you can get those much more cheaply elsewhere.
* Blah. This is messed up.
Low marks on presentation. Feels very much like a home campaign item. Just a bunch of skill bonuses. And I don't even particularly care for the Golarion fluff that was thrown in. Feels very tacked on...like someone tried to take their favorite home campaign item and trade out their own background fluff with something out of Golarion.
Bracers of the Kraken<snip lots of good advice>
* Clean up these issues, you'd have a good item, but as it is I think it's still too easy to abuse.
Thank you judges. I really appreciate the effort that's going into the feedback this year. Hopefully it'll make your jobs more difficult in future years because there will be even more great items for you to choose from. : )
Diadem of the Spider(Note: this one was in consideration for a very long time, but missed out on the top spots in the final evaluation)
Okay, you guys just made my year. It's interesting that the thing that I viewed as the major drawback (that mass charm monster was more appropriate than creeping doom) wasn't even commented on.
I don't see any need to respond to the comments; I'm just happy to see that it wasn't a "broken. reject" response out of the gate. Anyways, thanks again for all the kind words; I'll try again next year.
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Director of Brand Strategy
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Vistarius, sorry if the copy/pasted comments aren't helpful for you. When we're going through literally hundreds of items, we have to go through them quickly. That means we don't always take the time to make big, long, pedantic responses, especially since we don't know whether the contestant will ever see them (ie. only if they make the Top 32 or ask for feedback here). Hopefully the glimpse behind the curtain provides you something to consider in the future, even if it's not a thorough breakdown of every element of your item.
First off: Thanx
My item was the "Treewardens Bucket of Wildfirebane".
Being one of the procastinator´s as mentioned by Neil Spicer i don´t even have the version i submitted on file, since i did a lot of last hour...completing - i guess it showed. I don´t want to exspose anyone here to the versions i have.
Still i would like to have your critique.
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First of all, let me thank you for the review. I can answer all of your questions too :D
* Hate the mechanics on this one. Too open-ended on the "hostile intent" detection. And the "Follow Movement" and "Expose Weakness" abilities just seem like metagaming to me. The small inconsistencies in the template (such as the spells not being italicized or alphabetized; or the British spelling of "Analyse" vs. "Analyze") and even the name (which ought to be Seeker's Eye) don't help matters.
I thought the same about hostile intent, which is why I changed it in the second draft, It was meant to be for subterfuge, for example, in a kings court, where his advisor is plotting to remove you from the picture, for example. Follow movement and Expose weakness are called that, because, well, its what they do. As I imagine it, Dex is how good you are at moving away, so if something is tracking your movement, it doesn't matter where you move, and expose armour points out where the armour is weakest ^.^ I'll be honest, I didn't know I had to use Americanised spelling, I miss have missed that part in the rules, my bad >.< Same regarding the typo, I have no idea how I managed that, I checked it 3 times before submitting >.>
* Why does it hover in front of your eyes? Can't it just be some eyeglasses?
Cos hovering in front of your eye looks cooler? I thought goggles would be overdone to be honest.
* "Hostile intent" is too vague. And with a range of only 20 feet, you'll know it before this item will... when they attack you.
Again, I agree, though it does stretch to 60ft with concentration :D And I think in my submitted version I actually defined it with "subject must be aware of your presence and seek to harm you in some way"
* Why use the deny-the-Dex mechanic if you're not going to allow sneak attack or other effects that trigger on deny-the-Dex?..
..* Halving someone's armor bonus is just weird; it hurts the most protected characters more than the least protected, and has zero effect on an armorless person... better to just give a bonus to attack.
Because the main purpose of those item was for those "Can't afford to miss" situations. The abilities were written to compliment each other, as creatures tend to have either a high Dex bonus to AC, or a large armor bonus, this way, the player can choose, as oppose to being limited to one situation :D Though, I do agree, it should have given precision based damage ^.^
* Expose weakness doesn't have an action type listed. By default it would be a standard action, but its "gaze swiftly" text could imply otherwise.
"As a swift action, the wearer of a Seekers eye can expend a charge to receive one of the following benefits:" Sorry if I wrote it incorrectly, how would you recommend I phrase it?
Tbh, when I made this item, I had a savvy rogue in mind. To someone who engages in frequent conversation, being able to detect if your partner is hostile could save your life. Equally, rogues don't always have the easiest time hitting heavily armoured characters, or even other high Dex rogues, so I thought it would be a great item for them.
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Director of Brand Strategy
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Cloak of the Coward
* Someone just doesn't like compulsion spells that take over their character and put them under the control of the GM...they'd much rather run away instead. I'm not really a fan of this kind of protection...especially not at 22,800 gp. It's also exceptionally lame that won't work for anyone who's immune to fear...so no cowardly paladins, I guess?
Also, didn't care for the built in joke with the yellow stripe and chicken feather to reinforce the coward aspects of the cloak.
* Plot device. Reject.
Vistarius, for future reference, my impression of the community here is that it's just fine to say "Can somebody elaborate on why this was perceived as broken?", and odds are someone (passersby if not real judges) will try to explain, without you needing to say anything resentful.
It's natural that the judges don't always elaborate very much in their comments, but it's also natural that you would want more information to improve yourself. No need for bad vibes on either account. :)
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Director of Brand Strategy
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Just so people know, we're not really reading responses and clarifications in this thread. With as many items as are listed here awaiting feedback, we don't have the time to workshop each item beyond the initial copy/paste of the comments from the hidden judges' forum. I appreciate that people want to defend their items, but it does contribute to the clutter here.
For future reference, my impression of the community here is that it's just fine to say "Can somebody elaborate on why this was perceived as broken?", and judges and/or passersby will probably try to help, without you needing to say anything resentful.
It's natural that the judges don't always elaborate very much in their comments, but it's also natural that you would want more information to improve yourself. No need for bad vibes on either account. :)
If you want more feedback, post your item in one of the peer-review threads in this forum, or create a new thread in Homebrew. This thread is not the place.
Sorry, my mistake. I was under the impression that we were trying to keep it all in one monster thread.
Should I start posting my reviews in the 'peer review' thread too?
Clark, to me they were not helpful. Your response and the.judge before you was. And tons of items have prose in them, and i mean look at the top 32. They do.
That's just not true. Look in the DMG or the Pathfinder core. They dont have two sentence intros. Now, to the extent other top 32s do then I repeat what I told you--its not fatal, but its discouraged.
Neil is posting clear and concise examples of why an item does and doesnt work, sean is not.
I am suggesting in thiscase i needed more and it was provided. I guess in naming i should have the word pharasma it. That seems to work.Its funny how quick you are to jump on my case because i felt there wasnt much info on what i could have improved. Rejecting the item because it isnt useful in every sitaution is dumb.
I specifically mentioned you had to wear an item for 24 hours for it to work, which prevents stacking the item. That prevents.it.from being broke
edit:
Thanks for the feedback.
Im done with the discussion and wont say more.
Sorry if i came off as angry.
You don't sound angry, you sound cynical and rejecting of the concept that your item isn't as good as you think it is. Sean's comments are a summary of the judge's comments, which likely were less than flattering. Neil is just a freak and can't help but post 2000 words on any item. He is just an absolute judging machine. He's not the standard, thank goodness, or we would all be woefully inadequate.
As for the wear for 24 hours, that's a faux protection since the PC is in control of that time, normally. Just go hide and rest and voilà next battle you are protected from death!
Me thinks you weren't quite ready for feedback. That's ok. Think about it.
* So, it's a series of extradimensional footlockers and everyone gets their own private space? I'm envisioning wizards operating an entire rented storage business using this thing. I don't know. It's kind of a cute item. Not your typical secret chest, but mostly the same. Is this Superstar innovation? The idea itself doesn't wow me. The writing isn't the best either. And there's an spell name that isn't italicized or lowercase, so it calls into question the attention to detail. I also think we have better items in the Keep pile already.The Not Lost Box
I was editing to the last minute and I think I paid the price. I was rushed and missed the spell name when I posted it from my word processor.
Are there any suggestion you can give me on improving my writing?
* this is a plot device
I'm not certain what that means.
* this is a plot deviceI'm not certain what that means.
Me either actually; it looks like a lot of items are being bashed for reasons which sound to me like praise.
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Awesome commentary snipped
Yeah, I can see where I went wrong now. And the 'betrayed by a lover' thing comes from an idea spawned from read Gods and Magic, where it lists a Calistrian spell that essentially functions as rage but only on people who've been betrayed.
In hindsight, I should have mde the following changes. Gold tassel works 3 times per day, doesn't extend the duration, but makes the target helpful (instead of friendly), and drop the lover bit entirely. Then it would work more like an Empowered version of charm person, and I'd change the requirements to suit.
Change the Disruptive Spell so that it is useable one somone who has betrayed the wearer (not just a lover), making it less niche.
The reason I focused on the 'lover' angle was because that's what Calistria's all about.
My favourite item from last year was the Tankard of the Cheerful Duelist. And the Sash was a result of me thinking 'wouldn't it be awesome if there was a series of items that are based on the various Golarion deities, and the portfolio's they represent?'
If last year the comments were 'language wasn't clear enough, mechanics too clunky', and this year I graduated to 'is worth discussion and possibly is an alternate or Golden Ticket', then next year I'll be smashing it out of the freaking ballpark.
I thank everyone for their time and effort in reading my item, and your comments have been completely reassuring and encouraging. At least now I know I'm heading in the right direction.
Me either actually; it looks like a lot of items are being bashed for reasons which sound to me like praise.
* this is a plot deviceI'm not certain what that means.
What I normally see as plot devices are items that a GM will use for a campaign in order to further a plot or created specifically for their party's dynamics. They aren't things you'd really find in the rule book for general use.
RPG Superstar 2010 Top 32
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Me either actually; it looks like a lot of items are being bashed for reasons which sound to me like praise.
* this is a plot deviceI'm not certain what that means.
I'm not a judge, but I think it's this part: "The same person, or a blood relative if the owner is deceased, can retrieve items left inside by becoming the owner again. A Not Lost Box can have many such previous owners, each with their own contents inside. "
The fact that your relatives can get your stuff after you die doesn't really help you at all. It's more a plot hook for an adventure or something -- and a pretty cool one at that.
Tho take anything I say with a grain of salt -- I'm in this thread too bc I did something wrong. :)
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What I normally see as plot devices are items that a GM will use for a campaign in order to further a plot or created specifically for their party's dynamics. They aren't things you'd really find in the rule book for general use.
They also smack of 'homebrew campaign' smell - which is grounds for auto-reject.
Unfortunately, my copy of the Caparison of the Souljoined Steed is on a computer that doesn't want to work. I would enjoy knowing what the judges thought.
Starshard
Aura moderate necromancy; CL 10th
Slot -; Price 13,000 gp; Weight 2 lbs.
Description
This fist-sized stone is made from the remnants of a dying star. It hungers constantly for the light and life it once shed into the universe, displaying wondrous power for a short time when sated. While uncharged it absorbs ambient light, as darkness. When it touches the bare skin of a living creature it draws out life energy, granting a negative level. Prolonged exposure drains a level every round. After absorbing ten of these it becomes fully charged, glowing brightly (as daylight). Once sated it loses one of its absorbed levels per minute until once again dark, during which time it cannot drain levels. They may be expended prematurely to emit a searing light (1 level) or undeath to death (2 levels). You may also drain the remaining levels to heal yourself (at 5 hp/level). After going dark the starshard is inert for the day, only reawakening with the dawn.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, darkness, daylight, enervation, heal, searing light, undeath to death; Cost 6,500 gp
Just so people know, we're not really reading responses and clarifications in this thread. With as many items as are listed here awaiting feedback, we don't have the time to workshop each item beyond the initial copy/paste of the comments from the hidden judges' forum. I appreciate that people want to defend their items, but it does contribute to the clutter here.
For the record, I'm keeping my "submission defense" in the "Submission Peer Review" thread next door. I recommend that, so all submissions here can be addressed as efficiently as possible by the hard-working folk who are giving you their time and effort.
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First time submission, I'm thinking this will get a 'boring' or 'SIAC' label after more thought, but here goes:
Lens of the Avaricious Merchant
Aura Faint divination; CL 7th
Slot Eyes; Price 5000 gp; Weight --.
Description
This item appears to be a single well-crafted crystal lens set in a circular, rune-scribed silver frame. A short silver chain attaches the frame to the user’s clothing. When worn, an image of a large, bulbous eye appears on the face of the crystal, slowly glancing about, giving the user a discerning gaze.
This lens grants a +5 competence bonus on Appraise checks. The user can study an object with non-magical writing for three rounds after which she can understand it as if she knew that language. This ability remains in effect for two minutes and ends if the user begins studying a new object.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, identify, comprehend languages Cost 2500 gp
Hunting Cloak of the Great Cats
thanks again to the all judges for the feedback to all these items. you guys are amazing (and probably more than a little crazy).
Me either actually; it looks like a lot of items are being bashed for reasons which sound to me like praise.
* this is a plot deviceI'm not certain what that means.
A wondrous item is a tool for players. A plot device is a tool for GMs. Plot devices have a more profound influence on the story/world, so it's very important that they be under the control of the GM, not readily available to any PC who can come up with the necessary materials and spells to construct one.
The fact that your relatives can get your stuff after you die doesn't really help you at all. It's more a plot hook for an adventure or something -- and a pretty cool one at that.
Yea, that's the part I don't get. From what point of view does this not make the item better? The Assassin's Rose is also an excellent plot device, which is its biggest selling point.
Is he saying it's JUST a plot device, i.e, is not also useful to PCs? In my opinion that isn't true of many of the 'plot device' items posted, but it at least makes sense.
Should I make a new thread for this?
Sorry, my mistake. I was under the impression that we were trying to keep it all in one monster thread.
Should I start posting my reviews in the 'peer review' thread too?
Feel free to comment. What we're trying to avoid, though, is back-and-forth commentary, which results in 200 parallel conversations about 200 items all in one thread.
Should I make a new thread for this?
Can't hurt.
Note and noted, thanks!
Okay, you guys just made my year. It's interesting that the thing that I viewed as the major drawback (that mass charm monster was more appropriate than creeping doom) wasn't even commented on.
I don't see any need to respond to the comments; I'm just happy to see that it wasn't a "broken. reject" response out of the gate. Anyways, thanks again for all the kind words; I'll try again next year.
Well done, sir. A "bonehead" you are not. ;-)
In my haste to make sure i followed the format correctly, i apparently forgot to save a finished copy of my item.
It was the Origami Familiar. any feedback would be appreciated.
All feedback appreciated.
Serpentine Mantle
Aura moderate transmutation; CL 9
Slot chest; Price 50,000 gp; Weight 40 lbs.
Description
Attached to each end of this 15-foot length of tarnished chain is a hinged iron vise lined with sharp teeth and shaped to resemble a monstrous reptilian or perciform skull. The chain is magically animated; when draped over the shoulders, it wraps around the wearer's torso, and the vises float ominously near the wearer's forearms. The wearer's speed is reduced as if he were wearing chainmail, and he incurs an arcane spell failure chance of 30%. These penalties are not cumulative with any other such penalties from any armor worn, though they do supersede penalties bestowed by armor with a lesser arcane spell failure chance or speed penalty.
In combat, the vises threaten the area around the wearer with a reach of 5 feet. Once per round, if a creature moves through a threatened area within the vises' reach, each vise may make a melee attack at a +9 bonus, dealing 1d4+4 damage each and latching onto the targeted creature for one round. If hit while moving, the target may still move up to its speed, but must remain adjacent to the wearer of the mantle for the remainder of the round.
For each successful vise hit, the wearer of the serpentine mantle gains a +3 bonus to his CMB rolls against the affected target for one round when attempting to use any of the following combat maneuvers: dirty trick, disarm, drag, grapple, reposition, or trip.
The targeted creature can break free of the vises by making a DC 19 CMB or Escape Artist check; breaking free counts as a standard action which does not provoke an attack of opportunity.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, animate rope, hold monster; Cost 25,000 gp
Funny, how all I saw when I read the feedback wasTiniek’s Talkative Tankard(Note: We had several alcohol- or drinking-themed items this year.)
* Wow am I tired of booze items.
* Ok, the idea of a drunk tankard is somewhat interesting. Having to interrogate it for info is interesting. The fact that it's drunk and you have to really work at it is interesting.
* But you get, somehow, a bonus on ALL Knowledge checks as a result? Forever? And it makes a Tongues potion once per day too.
* I think this might have been Superstar if you could pull this thing out, fill it with booze, and then conduct a series of increasingly difficult interrogations (as the tankard gets more drunk) about some specific topic maybe something the Tankard could see, and maybe scoped to things gnome sailors of Gogpodda might be expected to be well versed in.
* As it is, it's a skeleton key of "make my Knowledge check", and with a SAK Tongues thrown in just in case we didn't think that was cool enough.
* Yep. SIAC. Skill-Bonus-in-a-Can. All with annoying, inebriated gnome face wrapped around it. Not innovative enough.
* And it has an aggravating alliterative appellation.
I think this might have been Superstar
. My tankard is always half full. Thanks for sharing this additional feedback for those of us who didn't make the cut this year.
I'll take everything into consideration and learn from it. Except for alliterative titles. RPGs need magic items with alliterative titles like dungeons need secret doors. <grin>
Conclave Seeds
Well, it's an interesting name on the surface. Doesn't really give me any ideas about what it might do. But seeds create a tangible image in the mind. Later, it turns out they're just acorns, though. Not really what I thought of with "seeds" in the name.
Aura strong transmutation; CL 12th
Slot --; Price 16000 gp (per Seed); Weight 1 lb.
Aura and CL seem appropriate for an item with so many high level druid spells in it. Slot makes sense. Not sure about a weight of 1 lb., though. Your pricing/cost indicates a "minimum of 2"...and if they're just acorns, I don't see them weighing an entire pound. And, speaking of the pricing, I think it's a poor design choice to create a wondrous item with no clear definition as to how many "seeds" or acorns it involves. I think you'd have been better served to just say it's a pouch with a set number of acorns...maybe the same number of trees you'd normally be allowed to tree stride into based on the caster level? That way, you define your item's limitations. And, once you've used all the acorns, you've established your "conclave" of trees.
Description
These golden acorns are cultivated by druids of the Wildwood Lodge to promote community among all those attuned to the natural world.
Interesting Golarion tie-in. Makes sense, seeing as how the Wildwood Lodge is one of the foremost gathering of druids in the entire campaign setting. It makes some sense that they'd craft and use these kinds of acorns. But does it have valuable applicability to PCs? How often are they going to procure these things and plant trees they can use to transport themselves around? This is bordering on more of a plot device item, as a result.
When planted, a Seed grows into a gargantuan oak tree with amber leaves over the course of one day, creating a sanctuary and meeting place. They are cultivated and blessed in sets of two or more, with each Seed linked to others in that batch. The Seeds must be planted in soil above ground, but may be planted in any order and with any amount of time between plantings.
This is decidely necessary text to help explain how the acorns are associated with one another. However, you don't need to call them Seeds. When you make a reference to your item in its own descriptive text, you should lowercase and italicize it.
When a Seed reaches maturity, the area within a 40-ft radius becomes holy, as the hallow spell, and gains the environment of a temperate forest. All trees in that space gain hardness, hit points, and resistance to fire equivalent to steel.
Okay. We get magical trees that help protect certain areas of the forest. Again, this is starting to feel less like a wondrous item you'd look to craft or buy and more like how you'd describe the protective qualities of an NPC druid's grove.
In addition, the bond between the new tree and any other fully developed Seeds from its set on the same plane becomes vitalized, creating a network between them. For one week, any character with the woodland stride ability may touch one of the trees as a standard action to sense all other grown trees in that set. The character may then travel between them as a full-round action, melding into one tree and emerging from another.
After the week has elapsed, a creature using the tree stride spell may still travel between trees in the set regardless of distance between them.
And this is the crux of your item. It establishes a network of permanent tree stride-able trees that allows the spell to do more than it otherwise normally would. Still kind of a niche item. When I imagine it in play, it comes off more like a video game or computer game's quick transport method between locales to help speed up game play. I don't know. Just not getting the Superstar vibe off its usability and viability in the game.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, hallow, ironwood, tree stride, creator must be a druid; Cost 8000 gp (per Seed; minimum 2)
Love the spell choices here, but you should probably upgrade tree stride to transport via plants just to kick up a notch. Your cost and price also needs to include commas.
Summary:
Mediocre name
So-so idea (not earth-shattering because it doesn't lend itself well to in-game play as much as it does to world-building)
Okay mechanics (nothing innovative, just solid)
Well-written (just need to lowercase Seed)
Decent presentation and use of the template
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Chief Technical Officer
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And the funny thing is, Golarion probably has bunches of wizards with unfortunate taste in humor. Some of 'em set death traps. Others craft Tomes of Deadly Pranks. On a real Golarion, I'm afraid this book would exist in thousands of copies :-/Good point, but while something like this could possible be found in an adventure with the correct tone, it is completely inappropriate for Superstar (tm). There is a very important difference.
Okay, let's say that there is a place for this kind of concept. How do you price it? What spells do you use to construct it? (The contestant didn't even try to do either of those things, which are, of course, required.)
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Chief Technical Officer
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Neil is posting clear and concise examples of why an item does and doesnt work, sean is not.
You are correct.
To people who wonder why we don't automatically post feedback? *This* is why. Sean and Mark are pasting in the commentary needed for the judges to make their determination of who's going to be in the Top 32. Neil is specifically writing advice intended for the contestant for each item. If the judges had to ensure their commentary was supposed to be helpful to the contestant, it would take them six months to narrow down the Top 32.
I'd ask for feedback of my item Goblin Wolf Whistle but the day I posted it was the day my PC was crashing out and I never got a saved copy... as it was the thing got eaten and I had to quickly mock it back up and submit the item on the fly (and the submitted article was not as hot as it shoulda been!)
Anyhow,
if you have the Goblin Wolf Whistle handy I'd love a short 'we didn't like XYZ"
Cheers!