Judges, Please Critique My Item


RPG Superstar™ 2011 General Discussion

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RPG Superstar 2013 Top 32 , Dedicated Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7 aka Standback

MInerva's blade's Huntsman Whetstone of Blood:
MInerva's blade wrote:

Aura faint transmutation; CL 5th
Slot none; Price 3,000 gp; Weight 2 lb.

Description
Rumored to be the latest creation from the forges of the Steel Eaters clan, this 15-cm long, dark brown whetstone can endow weapons with the bane special ability.
Pressing the stone for 5 rounds against a recently slain creature (one that has been dead for under 10 rounds), charges the stone with a semblance of the creature’s life-force. Anyone using a charged whetstone to sharpen any slashing or piercing weapon for 5 rounds will endow that weapon with a lesser bane special ability. This lesser bane is identical to ordinary bane, except that the weapon gains only +1 enchantment bonus and only deals an extra 1d6 points of damage. The dead creature type, or subtype if applicable, then becomes the designated foe.
However a ranger using a charged whetstone to sharpen a weapon against a favorite enemy, endows the weapon with both bane and keen abilities against the designated foe, as long as the weapon is being used by a ranger with the designated foe as a favored enemy.
Any ability gained from the whetstone is always active and disappears after 7 days, or after scoring 7 damaging hits with that weapon, on a creature that is the designated foe.
The stone holder can use a charged whetstone to sharpen up to 2 weapons or up to 14 units of ammunition. Units of ammunition lose all abilities according to the normal rules or after 7 days. After sharpening the maximum amount of weapons or ammunition units, the stone becomes inert for 7 days. An inert stone cannot be charged. A charged stone emits a very faint pulse.

Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, keen edge, summon monster I; Cost 1,500 gp

OK, so a whole bunch of minor points that jumped up on my first read-through:

Quote:
Rumored to be the latest creation from the forges of the Steel Eaters clan, this 15-cm long, dark brown whetstone can endow weapons with the bane special ability.

- I don't like the phrase "latest creation" here, it sounds like an advertisement.

- "15-cm" - Pathfinder doesn't use the decimal system, alas...[/list]

Quote:
Pressing the stone for 5 rounds against a recently slain creature (one that has been dead for under 10 rounds), charges the stone with a semblance of the creature’s life-force.

Is pressing the stone an action? What type? Or can I just set it on the creature and leave it there? Toss my backpack on top of it so it's pressed tight?

Also, do my 5 rounds of pressing need to start before he's been dead under 10 rounds, or finish by that point?

Quote:
However a ranger using a charged whetstone to sharpen a weapon against a favorite enemy, endows the weapon with both bane and keen abilities against the designated foe, as long as the weapon is being used by a ranger with the designated foe as a favored enemy.

Run-on, compound sentence; could stand to be divided into shorter, clearer segments. Consider:

Possible revision wrote:
A ranger sharpening his weapon upon the stone, whose favored enemy is of the dead creature's type, may treat his weapon as possessing the keen ability, in addition to the granted bane ability.
Quote:
Units of ammunition lose all abilities according to the normal rules or after 7 days.

The "after 7 days" is unnecessary; that's in the "normal rules". Do I understand correctly that if I sharpen arrows, I can use each one of them with the bane ability until I've hit with that particular arrow 7 times? That might be kind of a pain to keep track of.

Quote:
After sharpening the maximum amount of weapons or ammunition units, the stone becomes inert for 7 days. An inert stone cannot be charged.

What if I don't sharpen the maximum amount? Does it remain charged indefinitely? Can I charge it with another dead creature?

Those are the minor points. A more major question is whether these bane abilities stack. Can I use, say, two whetstones to have a single weapon with two different bane abilities? That could get abusable pretty fast, I think.

As for the concept itself - I like it; it fits; it makes sense. I'm not sure it'd get you into Superstar, even absent the above quibbles. We've seen a lot of items that customize their effects based on the last foe slain, and while there's certainly a lot to be done with this concept,, I'm not sure this item sets itself apart from a fair number of ones working off the same base idea.

I hope my comments are helpful - sorry to come out on the negative side. It's a solid concept, and the quibbles are all eminently fixable, so I hope you'll find my criticism to be of the constructive variety. :)

RPG Superstar 2013 Top 32 , Dedicated Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7 aka Standback

Kyrian Dundragon's Kyreth’s Amulet of Musical Accompaniment:
Quote:

Aura varies; CL varies

Slot amulet; Price 1000 gp (basic), 89500 gp (heroic), 77100 gp (frightening); Weight 1 lb.
Description
This is a circular silver amulet with a small hole in the middle; when light hits its surface, multicolored rays of light play on its surface. It has a simple premise for those of a flamboyant nature: it continuously provides a musical accompaniment to every action made by the hero wearing it. This grants the wearer a +2 competence bonus to all Diplomacy and Intimidate checks, but causes a -10 penalty to all Stealth checks. Faint illusion; CL 1st; Craft Wondrous Item, ghost sound, creator must be a bard
Kyreth began to see the popularity of his creation and began to craft more powerful versions of the item with additional powers in addition to those mentioned above; each new amulet corresponded to a form of bardic performance. A popular variation is the amulet of heroic accompaniment. With this amulet, the wearer is continuously affected by the inspire heroics bardic performance as the music accompanying him constantly infuses his being with hope, courage, and optimism. Moderate enchantment; CL 15th; Craft Wondrous Item, ghost sound, greater heroism, creator must be a bard

Another popular variation is the amulet of frightening accompaniment. With this amulet, the wearer can cause fear in his enemies on command like the frightening tune bardic performance. Any enemies within 30 feet of the wearer that can hear the music must make a Will save (DC 19) or be frightened and must flee for as long as it can hear the music. A target that makes this save is unaffected by this amulet for 24 hours. Moderate necromancy; CL 14th; Craft Wondrous Item, ghost sound, fear, creator must be a bard

Kyrian, I'm afraid I see some pretty major issues with your item. I'll give you my take on it; I hope you'll find it helpful :)

The biggest issue is, I think your concept is very poor, bordering on the comical. You describe an amulet which provides the user with a soundtrack. That's... pretty comical. If somebody were walking around my office, and tinkling or drumrolling every time he asked for a status report or made some coffee, that would be pretty hard for me to take seriously. I mean that both on the mechanical level (i.e., I don't see this effect actually making my office guy more diplomatic or more intimidating) and on the global level (you don't want a contest entry that's tough to take seriously).

Part of this, I think, could have been improved by better presentation. "Musical accompaniment" brings to mind orchestras, musicals, and soundtracks. Imagine if you had described, say, a tiny reed flute on a necklace, which caused those in the area to hear near-imperceptible echos of melancholy dirges, joyous revels, or martial anthems - all keyed to the mood the wearer wishes to impart. Same function, but the sense one gets from the description is entirely different, and much easier to fit into a high-adventure fantasy setting. (I do get the sense, though, that this "subtle echoes" business was not how you see the item going - you say it's for the flamboyant type.) This was just an example, but consider this: you don't describe the music, or how it sounds, or how it seems to take effect, at all. This is an item meant to provide atmosphere - but your description doesn't provide us with the atmosphere your item is meant to evoke.

The second issue I had is describing multiple variants of the item; this has been discussed several times before, and is generally frowned upon. The judges prefer one really really awesome item, to a less-awesome item that squeezes into half the wordcount but has lots of variants. GMs can figure out variants on their own. You only need to describe one item - and make it good. So making variants at all, and then spending so much focus on them, is another significant ding. (I suggest you seek out one of the judges' posts on this issue, since they've explained the subject more at length.)

Granted that you had multiple variants, the variants didn't impress me - they just add a bard's-performance-in-a-can to the base. I can see the utility, but in the same way I could also see the utility of adding a can-opener to the item. Adding something simple - even thematically appropriate - is not a Superstar-level idea, so it's a shame to spend focus on such an addition.

Lastly, a really minor point - the judges have noted on a bunch of items that the "<Item Creator's Name>'s <Item Name>" construction is something they're not fond of. It's just a random name, with no meaning (unless it ties directly into the Golarion setting). I'd be doubly careful of this where your <Creator's Name> seems very close to your own username - risking identification within the entry, which is automatic disqualification.

Again, sorry to be negative; I hope I've explained my comments clearly and that they'll prove helpful to you. Wishing you lots of success next time, and in any other endeavors you may choose :)


cynarion wrote:

Thanks Azmahel, I appreciate your feedback. Would love to get your (or anyone else's!) more detailed thoughts on a couple things though--but only if you have the time, I realise you're giving up plenty of it already!

Quote:

I thought I made that clear enough with the wording that "The wearer takes a -4 penalty on any ranged attack rolls made with her arms extended...". Was that not clear enough? Should I have worded it differently?

Mechanically it was clear, but it didn't line up for me with the description of lining up targets, somehow when I read it I wasn't sure if the flabbing arms made it hard for you to aim your melee attack with too.

So the question was whether what the rules said was really what you wanted to say with them.

Quote:


I worried about that endlessly after I submitted the item. The original spell (fluid form) has a series off effects on the caster (some of them rule-based, some of them just flavouring), but the one that I picked out for this purpose is in the first line of the spell description:

Well, The fluid form spell doesn't include the benefits of a grease spell, so even if this ability is in line with the flavor description of the spell you are basing the item on, the effects themselves are tacked on and SiaC'ish.

and +10 escae Artist and CMB and CMD to avoid or escape a grapple is a lot in addition to the already powerful reach effect. So the item might be even more underpriced than it was.

Contributor, RPG Superstar 2009, RPG Superstar Judgernaut

Serpent wrote:
Whispering Watcher

Intriguing name. Very appropriate for what the item does. Doesn't really conjure up an easy image for the reader, though. Still, it's short and succinct enough that we easily move straight into text itself without agonizing much over what it could be.

Serpent wrote:

Aura faint divination; CL 3rd

Slot —; Price 1,200 gp; Weight 1/2 lb.

Aura and CL look appropriate for an item mostly based on see invisibility. Slot and weight seem right for a small statuette made of silver.

Serpent wrote:

Description

This silver statuette, usually crafted in the shape of a crouching pseudodragon, quivers subtly when touched.

Good initial setup. You tell us what it is right away. And you hook us by indicating it "quivers...when touched" without telling us why yet. Eager to read on...

Serpent wrote:
Three times per day as a standard action, when holding the statuette in hand, the user can mentally command it to open its mouth and emit powerful but inaudible vibrations in a 30-foot-radius burst. This is a sonic effect.

Interesting. I like the attention to detail on the "30-foot-radius" as a lot of people forget the hyphens. I am immediately left wondering if dogs (who have a higher range of hearing) can hear this powerful effect. That would have been neat to include.

Serpent wrote:
The air ripples around solid and liquid matter caught in the burst, making any invisible corporeal creatures and objects appear as blurred, indistinct shapes for three rounds. Affected creatures gain no bonus on Stealth checks for being invisible, but for all other purposes they are still considered invisible.

Very cool, almost physics-related explanation for how this item works differently than your typical see invisibility item. Love the attention to calling out only invisible corporeal creatures. That's an important distinction to make. Personally, I think you should have gone with toning down the target's invisibility, busting it down to blur instead. That would have made this mechanically innovative and different than anything else in the game. And it also would make more immediate sense (mechanically-speaking) by relying on the rules for blur to still be in effect.

Serpent wrote:
The vibrations do not affect visual figments like they affect real objects and creatures, and therefore, all creatures within line of sight receive a Will save to disbelieve any such illusions within the burst.

Nice added touch. Gives the item another function besides just a face-off with invisible creatures and keeps it from being too niche.

Serpent wrote:

Construction

Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, detect magic, ghost sound, see invisibility; Cost 600 gp

Herein, I start to question your choice of spells in the construction requirements. Personally, I would have liked to see you reshape the statuette (as a pseudodragon really has little to do with this kind of ability) and make it a dog instead. Then, tap mage's faithful hound to explain it. That spell already provides an invisible guardian that can see invisible creatures and warn you. Plus, a dog's bark could make for an easier explanation of the sonic effect that reveals invisible opponents by blurring them instead.

I also think your price/cost might be a little low for this item. I haven't gone back to crunch all the numbers. It just seems that way on a cursory look. A few potions of see invisibility could be had for 300 gp a pop. So, this item is equivalent to four one-use see invisibility potions...and yet, they'll only work for the person who drinks them...not for everyone who can see the blur like effect of your whispering watcher. Also, your statuette can do this 3 times/day...every day...so it's definitely undercosted in my book.

When designing and pricing wondrous items, it's often useful to ask yourself, "What else could do this same thing if it was just a spell-in-a-can, or a potion, or a scroll (if it's higher than 3rd level)?" Price that item and then compare it to the cost of your wondrous item. Can PCs achieve the same effect by something else from one of the other magic item categories? If so, you need to re-evaluate your price/cost in relation to that.

The bottom line is that this was still a very useful, very fun, well-designed item. It was right on the edge of making it into the competition as a full member of the Top 32. And it easily made the Keep pile as soon as we reviewed it.

Summary:
Decent name
Great idea
Mostly sound mechanically-speaking
Pretty good writing/flavor
Nailed the presentation and use of the provided template

Advice:
Keep this up and you'll make the Top 32 in no time. This is the type of idea that gets the judges' attention. And you've clearly got the attention to detail to create professional-looking designs. Come back hard next year.


Kenneth.T.Cole wrote:
vash wrote:
does anybody happen to have a checklist of the items in this thread and which ones have been reviewed?
For your use. Following is a list of all items posted to date, and which Judge has responded. Please remember that Mark and Sean are posting for ALL judges comments from the judging booth.

Thanks for figuring and posting these Ken!


Am I the only one making the connection of whispering watchdog?

Grand Lodge Contributor , Dedicated Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9

Neil Spicer wrote:
Serpent wrote:
Whispering Watcher

Neil,

Your positive and encouraging review alone is a bigger consolation prize than I expected. Thank you, it's feedback like this that makes me want to keep on trying, and I'll be sure to enter the competition again next year. =)

However, there's one minor point in your review on which I have to disagree: I actually designed the item to mimic some of the pseudodragon's abilities.
* Pseudodragons have blindsense 60 ft. It's not as accurate as blindsight, so I imagine that pseudodragons "see" invisible creatures as blurred shapes. They also cannot detect incorporeal creatures with the ability, and it also doesn't function within a silence effect. In other words, the item allows people to see things the way the little dragons do, but it's a weaker version of the ability.
* It's made of silver... which imps hate (ie, it defeats their DR). Imps, pseudodragons, Korvosa... Some Korvosan pseudodragons have the Impslayer feat. Imps also have invisibility as a spell-like ability, which makes this item useful against them. Oh well, I suppose the reference wasn't obvious enough.
* The item is activated by a mental command. Pseudodragons have no spoken language, but they can communicate telepathically (which also kind of makes "whispering" a double reference).

Anyway, many thanks for your advice!

-Mikko

Dark Archive

Pathfinder Roleplaying Game Superscriber; Starfinder Charter Superscriber
Kenneth.T.Cole wrote:
vash wrote:
does anybody happen to have a checklist of the items in this thread and which ones have been reviewed?

For your use. Following is a list of all items posted to date, and which Judge has responded. Please remember that Mark and Sean are posting for ALL judges comments from the judging booth.

Adamantine Flask | Mark Moreland |

Actually I have looked throughout the thread and done a full search and I don't see my item reviewed. If you could just post that I would really appreciate it, thanks.


Alabaster Moth
Aura moderate varied; CL 11th

Slot —; Price 18,000 gp; Weight 1 lb.

Description

The alabaster moth works as a figurine of wondrous power (Core Rulebook, page 513) and, as such, appears to be a statuette of a small moth with a wingspan of about 2 inches. However, unlike others of its kind, it does not become a living creature immediately after the appropriate command word is spoken. Instead, this figurine becomes active right after its owner (who must have spoken the command word earlier that day) falls asleep. The living moth has the exact same size as its statuette form, with a flight speed of 10 feet and perfect maneuverability (using the owner’s fly skill check). While sleeping, the owner of the figurine assumes complete control over its movements, being able to see and hear everything around the creature as if it was affected by a scrying spell (without being able to cast any spells through this sensor). Any disturbance that awakes the owner causes the figurine to turn back to its statuette form. The item can be used once per week, and will be active for 8 hours, or until the moth is willed back to its alabaster form by its owner, who will continue to sleep normally. Due to the frailty of this particular figurine, it will be permanently destroyed if suffers any damage in either living or statuette form, including a potential fall should the owner of alabaster moth awake while its figurine is in midflight. Once awake, the owner can clearly remember everything seen and heard through the figurine, as if he had been subject to an effect similar to a dream spell.

Construction

Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, animate objects, dream, scrying; Cost 9,000 gp

Hi everyone. I actually developed this one in a hurry, and looking more carefully now, I think I can spot some flaws. But I would still like to have some feedback from you guys.

PS: English is not my first language, so feel free to point out any mistakes I might have made concerning vocabulary or grammar.


Bernardo wrote:

Alabaster Moth

Spoiler:
Aura moderate varied; CL 11th

Slot —; Price 18,000 gp; Weight 1 lb.

Description

The alabaster moth works as a figurine of wondrous power (Core Rulebook, page 513) and, as such, appears to be a statuette of a small moth with a wingspan of about 2 inches. However, unlike others of its kind, it does not become a living creature immediately after the appropriate command word is spoken. Instead, this figurine becomes active right after its owner (who must have spoken the command word earlier that day) falls asleep. The living moth has the exact same size as its statuette form, with a flight speed of 10 feet and perfect maneuverability (using the owner’s fly skill check). While sleeping, the owner of the figurine assumes complete control over its movements, being able to see and hear everything around the creature as if it was affected by a scrying spell (without being able to cast any spells through this sensor). Any disturbance that awakes the owner causes the figurine to turn back to its statuette form. The item can be used once per week, and will be active for 8 hours, or until the moth is willed back to its alabaster form by its owner, who will continue to sleep normally. Due to the frailty of this particular figurine, it will be permanently destroyed if suffers any damage in either living or statuette form, including a potential fall should the owner of alabaster moth awake while its figurine is in midflight. Once awake, the owner can clearly remember everything seen and heard through the figurine, as if he had been subject to an effect similar to a dream spell.

Construction

Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, animate objects, dream, scrying; Cost 9,000 gp

Hi everyone. I actually developed this one in a hurry, and looking more carefully now, I think I can spot some flaws. But I would still like to have some feedback from you guys.

PS: English is not my first language, so feel free to point out any mistakes...

one of the auto-reject rules was making figurines of wondrous power.

Shadow Lodge

Pathfinder Roleplaying Game Superscriber
Kenneth.T.Cole wrote:
vash wrote:
does anybody happen to have a checklist of the items in this thread and which ones have been reviewed?

The Lantern of The Illumined Walk | Sean K. Reynolds | Neil Spicer | Clark Peterson |

Spell Syphon | Sean K. Reynolds | Neil Spicer | Clark Peterson |
Egg of the Flame Toxoztesoma | Sean K. Reynolds | Neil Spicer | Clark Peterson |
Ship in a bottle | Sean K. Reynolds | Neil Spicer | Clark Peterson |
Searing Vestment of the Dawnflower | Sean K. Reynolds | Neil Spicer | Clark Peterson |
Shroud of the Immolator | Sean K. Reynolds | Neil Spicer |
Bracers of transfiguration | Sean K. Reynolds | Neil Spicer | Clark Peterson |
Glass Heart | Sean K. Reynolds | Neil Spicer | Clark Peterson |
Penumbral Ligatures | Sean K. Reynolds | Neil Spicer |

I think I broke Clark Peterson. D: Clearly, he got to my item couldn't bear to go on...

[/joke]

Grand Lodge Contributor , Dedicated Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9

Bernardo wrote:
Alabaster Moth

This is a really cool item! I had an idea for a similar "sleepwalking" item, but rejected it mainly because the nightly adventures of a PC might take too much time and it'd be boring for the other players at the table.

I think the FoWP reference is unnecessary since the item does not really do what other FpWPs do. Also, IMHO, the command word activation would work better if it was simply "Speaking the command word causes the user to immediately fall asleep..."

Avoid "will be"; the present tense without an auxiliary verb works just fine.

Grand Lodge Contributor , Dedicated Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9

vash wrote:
one of the auto-reject rules was making figurines of wondrous power.

But the item is not really a figurine of wondrous power. Which is why I suggested that he remove the reference to FoWPs.


Serpent wrote:
vash wrote:
one of the auto-reject rules was making figurines of wondrous power.
But the item is not really a figurine of wondrous power. Which is why I suggested that he remove the reference to FoWPs.

I didn't read the whole thing.

Contributor, RPG Superstar 2009, RPG Superstar Judgernaut

Mikael Sebag wrote:
Amulet of Reverse Incantation

Cool sounding name. Suspect it has something to do with counterspelling or transmuting an existing spell's effects. Interested to read on...

Mikael Sebag wrote:

Aura faint abjuration; CL 5th

Slot neck; Price 16,200 gp; Weight

Aura and CL are appropriate for an item built on dispel magic, but what this item does goes far beyond dispel magic...enough so, that I probably wouldn't call this a simple faint abjuration. You've also got aspects of morphing spells wrapped up in this thing, so transmutation probably ought to get invoked, too.

Slot and weight look right for an amulet. Price might be a little low considering everything this item can do.

Mikael Sebag wrote:

Description

Suspended on this amulet’s delicate silver chain is an ivory cameo of a bearded, old wizard with identical faces on either side of his head.

Good lead off with descriptive text.

Mikael Sebag wrote:
Three times per day, the amulet allows its wearer to recite spells with verbal components backwards and achieve a reverse effect, under the following circumstances:

Intriguing idea. But how will you mechanically specify its abilities and limitations? Eager to read on...

Mikael Sebag wrote:
Diametric Effect: If the wearer casts a spell that can counter or dispel another specific spell, he may activate the amulet to spontaneously convert the spell being cast into the spell which it specifically counters (for example, haste would be converted into slow).

So, the wearer gets to prepare a spell like haste and a whole host of other spells with "counter"-parts and really gets the ability to spontaneously serve those up. So, it's like double preparation in a way. Interesting. Not sure how to price that. But it's interesting. And definitely now something you'll find in any other item in the game. That makes this a bold design choice.

Mikael Sebag wrote:
Bonus/Penalty: If the wearer casts a spell that grants a bonus or penalty, he may activate the amulet so that a bonus-granting spell instead incurs an equal penalty and vice versa (for example, bull’s strength would incur a -4 penalty instead of granting a +4 bonus to Strength). A spell that consequently incurs a penalty instead of a bonus is no longer considered harmless (if it ever was). When used this way, the amulet cannot affect spells that have a permanent duration.

This one gets more problematic. Sometimes you have spells that provide a bonus/penalty in addition to some other effect that isn't so easily reversed. Thus, a GM will be put in the position of reversing the sign on the bonus/penalty and then having to decide what to do with the rest of the spell's effects. I get what you were going for here. But it's a little too open-ended. I think most of the judges agreed this power was overreaching a bit.

Mikael Sebag wrote:
Cure/Inflict Spell: Lastly, if the wearer casts a cure or inflict spell, she may activate the amulet to spontaneously convert the spell being cast into the other type of the same spell level (for example, cure moderate wounds would be converted into inflict moderate wounds).

So, a cleric gets to become a spontaneous caster of both cure and inflict spells. That makes this a pretty potent item to provide such a wide range of spontaneously-castable spells. It means you don't have to worry so much about careful spell selection any longer if you're a wizard or a cleric.

Mikael Sebag wrote:
Activating the amulet is a free action.

This is fine. It would likely need to be so you can still get off the spell as you reverse its effect.

Mikael Sebag wrote:

Construction

Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, tongues, dispel magic; Cost 8,100 gp

Your spells should always be listed in alphabetical order. In fact, every list of requirements should individually go in alphabetical order. So, if you had more than one feat, they'd need to be listed first in alphabetical order. And then the spells would follow that. And so on.

Here's what you need to know about this item...

It got a lot of discussion from the judges. Many of us liked the idea, but just weren't sold on the mechanical execution of everything. In many ways, this came across more like an effect that needed discussing as a whole new topic in a book about magic, as opposed to just a book of magic items. It was a big swing for the fence. I'd say you almost nailed it. If you keep bringing this level of mojo, but tighten down your mechanics so they're succinct, simple, and more elegant, I think you'll have a better opportunity to make the Top 32.

Summary:
Decent name
Good idea
Bigger mechanics than a single item description can explore
Reasonably well-written (though we didn't care for the "if they ever were" bit)
Good presentation (just need to alphabetize your spell names)


vash wrote:
Serpent wrote:
vash wrote:
one of the auto-reject rules was making figurines of wondrous power.
But the item is not really a figurine of wondrous power. Which is why I suggested that he remove the reference to FoWPs.
I didn't read the whole thing.

Thanks for the feedback guys, it is most appreciated.

I guess I should have been more careful with the auto-reject rules. I decided to participate in the very last moment, and did not read the whole thing through. My mistake.

Contributor, RPG Superstar 2009, RPG Superstar Judgernaut

1 person marked this as a favorite.
Mike Kimmel wrote:
Smoldering Sack

Intriguing name. Immediately makes the reader wonder what's on fire in the bag...or why the bag is on fire...and so on. Eager to read on...

Mike Kimmel wrote:

Aura faint evocation and transmutation; CL 5th

Slot -; Price 4,000 gp; Weight 4 lbs.

Aura and CL seem appropriate for an item based on fireball and pyrotechnics. Slot makes sense for a sack. The weight for a large sack is usually 1/2 lb., but you've got 3-1/2 lbs. of coals in it, apparently. So, it's good that you bumped it up. Price seems mostly reasonable for a 1/day pyrotechnics effect and a one-time consummable fireball.

Mike Kimmel wrote:

Description

This soot-colored sack is approximately 1 foot by 2 feet in size and appears from the outside to be filled with lumpy stones. Opening the sack reveals that it is in fact filled with smoldering coals, which produce moderate heat and a faint red glow. Any creature that reaches into the sack, or any object that enters the sack, takes 1d6 points of fire damage per round.

Interesting description. Good choice to lead it off with that. Might have liked some wording around any possible illumination (equivalent to a candle?) that it might give off, as well.

Mike Kimmel wrote:
Once per day, the wielder of the smoldering sack can open the sack and command it to create a 20-ft. cube of fireworks or smoke adjacent to the wielder. These effects function as the pyrotechnics spell (DC 13), counting the sack as the fire source, except that they only affect creatures within the 20-ft. cube rather than within the normal range of the effects.

You've entered SIAC territory here. Also, there was some confusion between the judges on whether the pyrotechnics effect is centered on the holder or flows outward in a 20-foot cube adjacent to him. If it's the latter, I'm a little surprised you didn't go more with a cone-based effect. If it's the former, we would have preferred that you call that out (i.e., we would have been okay if the user himself was centered in the effect, because it could make for a mildly debilitating smokescreen if necessary).

Mike Kimmel wrote:
Additionally, if any fire source at least as large as a torch is ever placed within the smoldering sack, the sack explodes 1d4+1 rounds later, dealing 5d6 points of fire damage to all creatures within 20 ft. (Reflex DC 14 half) and creating fireworks or smoke (DC 13, randomly determine with equal chance of each) within that area.

Cool power-up that wipes out the item. In a pinch, someone might really need a fireball that desperately and it's cool to know this thing is on hand for that kind of insurance. It's still another SIAC effect, though. But much of the flavor you're bringing to this item is helping to override that.

That said, something that might have been cool would be to have the fireball version create both the fireworks and smokescreen effects of pyrotechnics after the sack explodes. That at least would make it a bit more than just what the spell can do.

Mike Kimmel wrote:
Dumping the coals out of the sack or destroying the sack also causes it to explode, with no delay. However it is produced, the explosion destroys the sack.

Cool. This means PCs will have to be careful that no one just starts messing with their gear. "Hey, don't open that!" *BOOM* Nice visual.

Mike Kimmel wrote:

Construction

Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, pyrotechnics, fireball; Cost 2,000 gp

You're mostly good here. However, you've gotten lazy by italicizing the commas along with your spells. Do each one separately. Also, you need to alphabetize them.

So, here's what you need to know about your item. First, I championed this one early on. I cited it for SIAC, but was willing to overlook for the flavor and usefulness of the item. And, particularly so, because of the unique methods and dangers in using it. Some of the judges, however, didn't see it as all that innovative. At least one other (who was on the fence initially) came back to support it as we sorted through the Keep pile. Ultimately, as we were spending our "golden tickets" I'm the judge who pulled this one up into alternate status. Not quite Top 32. But close.

Summary:
Decent name
Cool idea
Solid mechanics (but nothing all that new or inventive here)
Solid writing/flavor
Okay presentation (still need to shore up some things)

Advice:
Nice try for taking a couple of SIAC effects and trying to do something new and synergistic with them. You packaged it in some very nice flavor. Mechanically, it would have helped if you clarified the origination point of the pyrotechnics effect. So, make sure you're as clear as possible in how you describe things. Study how wondrous items are worded (and presented using the template) and keep mimicking that.

Lastly, you really want to try to do something innovative with your wondrous item designs in at least one of two ways (and both if you can pull it off). That's with your idea...as in, never seen anything like this before. And with your mechanics...as in, there's nothing in the game that really duplicates how this works. Your idea was pretty much a grenade with some pyro effects. And your mechanics were pretty much how a fireball and pyrotechnics spell already work. So, you really need to ramp up the creativity in those areas to cross that threshold from Keep pile to alternate to Top 32.

Best of luck next year.


vash wrote:
i didn't realize i was so far down. i have an idea why mine was rejected, but hopefully they manage to get to it.

Neil is still jumping in regularly to provide more feedback and Mark has committed to continue working his way through, though he did specifically note that it would take a backseat to the current rounds of the contest (and I believe his core work responsibilities if I'm remembering correctly). Frankly, as long as I were to get a bit of feedback before Superstar 2012 I would consider myself well served. In the meantime, I'm finding the feedback on the other items quite intriguing to read through. I actually think the most valuable examples are the ones with almost no judges comments; it shows what the sort of things are that make the judges stop in their tracks and disregard a submission.

Contributor, RPG Superstar 2009, RPG Superstar Judgernaut

markofbane wrote:
Neil is still jumping in regularly to provide more feedback....In the meantime, I'm finding the feedback on the other items quite intriguing to read through.

Well done, Mark.

It's really important that anyone who's interested in improving for next year read all the feedback provided on all the items. As I mentioned before, you can't just wait for feedback on your item. Helping you improve that one won't matter, because you're probably not going to resubmit a corrected version of it after posting here. And, even after you submit a different item, you might not even run into the same pitfalls from this time.

So, you need to look for the lessons presented by all the examples posted here instead. If you're not doing that, you're not doing your homework. And that means you're lazy. And you probably won't make it next time either...not because you didn't get individual feedback here...but because you didn't bother to widen your game design education beyond your very own personal prism.

Now, I've done all I can to be up front about this, but I want to reiterate one more time. I'm not going to make it through all the items posted here. I'm nuts for doing these long feedback responses anyway. Sean and Mark are right to show you what we discussed during the sorting. I'm just trying to pick and choose a few to serve up some additional lessons that we didn't have time to discuss or post while we were madly trying to sort things into the Keep or Reject pile.

So, I'll come back as I can and when I can. But, pretty soon, I'm going to abandon this thread to focus on other things. I'll do that after I feel like I've responded with as many examples as possible that will help others learn for next year. That's really all I can do. You will ultimately be the one most responsible for improving your work. And that starts by paying attention, staying involved, and reading everything here.

My two cents,
--Neil

Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9

Adventure Path Charter Subscriber; Pathfinder Companion, Rulebook, Starfinder Adventure Path, Starfinder Maps, Starfinder Roleplaying Game, Starfinder Society Subscriber

A quick word of thanks to Neil and all those feeding back. Mine has slowed down as my mum was taken ill over the weekend, I will continue to feedback as I can but not as much as I could wish.

As an aside Neil, could you and your stalwart bands consider next year having a couple of these threads for different time zones. I rather suspect those of us asleep when the threads are open lose out consistently to the speedy posting of items and something like "US items here, UK/Europe here, Australia here" threads would mean you could get to some of us who constantly miss out.

Just a thought, I know it might be more pain than its worth, but there you go.

Or maybe you could be mean and do every 5th item or something like that so you hit each page of items 2 or 3 times. Wouldnt guarantee all our items get reviewed but would guarantee a wider net of audience postings are hit.

Anyways, enough ramble.

MANY thanks for all your efforts to everyone, I have read them all as I have done every year so far.

Contributor, RPG Superstar 2014 Top 4, RPG Superstar 2013 Top 32 , Dedicated Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 8

Neil Spicer wrote:
Mike Kimmel wrote:
Smoldering Sack

Thanks Neil for the great advice and feedback, as usual! Hopefully I'll be able to use it next year to come back with something better.

Contributor, RPG Superstar 2009, RPG Superstar Judgernaut

Dire Mongoose wrote:
Gauntlets of Desperate Defense

Hmmm. Not crazy about the name. It's okay. Just doesn't evoke any particular image in mind as I read it. Yes. They're gauntlets. yes, they likely "defend" you in some way. Using the word "desperate" may give some hint that this is a last-ditch effect of some kind. So, that's what I'm expecting as I get into it.

Dire Mongoose wrote:

Aura Moderate transmutation; CL 11th

Slot hands; Price 40,000 gp; Weight 5 lbs.

Aura of moderate (not Moderate) transmutation is appropriate for animate objects, but you've got two lesser effects remove paralysis (conjuration) and status (divination) that you haven't accounted for all that much. Slot is correct for gauntlets, but they usually weigh less than 5 lbs. A spiked gauntlet is 1 lb. And even a rusting gauntlet is 2 lbs. Price is debatable. A nice round figure like that usually implies it was ballparked, quite possibly because there was no definitive way to price what it does...or, the math just became too hard and the designer decided to handwave it. Not sure which you did. It's just something that comes to mind as one reads through your item.

Dire Mongoose wrote:

Description

These silvery-gray adamantine locked gauntlets are often embossed with the symbol of the Knights of Ozem.

Interesting Golarion connection. I'll be curious to see how that ties in to what the item actually does. Good lead-off with your descriptive text. You might have actually spent some time defining what the symbol of the Knights of Ozem looks like, though. And, if canon hasn't established one yet, you might want to steer away from citing them.

Dire Mongoose wrote:
When their wearer becomes nauseated, panicked, paralyzed, or stunned the gauntlets spring to life. The wearer doesn't drop held items when panicked or stunned; this ability applies even if the gauntlets are not locked. The wearer also continues to threaten squares, take attacks of opportunity, and count as an ally for the purposes of teamwork feats normally despite their nauseated, panicked, paralyzed, and/or stunned conditions. If one of these conditions would cause the wearer to be treated as having a Strength or Dexterity of 0, they ignore this penalty for the purposes of resolving any attacks of opportunity they take.

Right away, I notice you're using double-spaces after a period. Don't. That convention went out around the same time word-processors replaced typewriters. It isn't necessary anymore. And it's a habit you need to break if you want write professionally.

Next, mechanically, this is a SAK of condition-negating effects. Creating an item like this to provide immunity to the imposition of all these conditions isn't a good idea.

Dire Mongoose wrote:
Should the wearer successfully hit and cause damage by taking an attack of opportunity allowed by the gauntlets despite a debilitating condition, they immediately receive another saving throw (if one was allowed to begin with) against each spell or effect that causes one of these conditions using the same DC as the original effect. If successful, the effect ends. If the wearer hits with an attack of opportunity and damages an enemy that is attempting to deliver a coup de grace to them, the coup de grace is prevented and the enemy instead automatically hits for normal damage.

Meh. More uber-protection by not only getting to ignore conditions, but end them by lashing out at your attacker. Not a fan of this idea already.

Dire Mongoose wrote:
The wearer is otherwise subject to normal penalties for their conditions and usual limitations on attacks of opportunity. The gauntlets only function when worn by a living creature.

Okay. This becomes a GM's nightmare to slowly figure out which effects apply and which don't...which penalties can be ignored and which can't.

Also, I don't see much of anything in here to define the Knights of Ozem connection. Yes, they faced hordes of undead while battling the Whispering Tyrant during the Shining Crusade, but these effects are specifically tied to them.

Dire Mongoose wrote:

Construction

Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, animate objects, remove paralysis, status; Cost 20,000 gp

You've got your presentation down. Good job here. Price/cost ratio is correct. But I guess I have to ask...why animate objects? Are you implying the gauntlets themselves "animate" and move your arms? How would they control your feet to keep you from running away? I think freedom of movement and greater heroism or restoration might be some better places to look. Also, I didn't see much of anything that tied in the status spell's effects. Seems like a throwaway, unless you're suggesting the gauntlets are intelligent in some way and can sense the status of its wearer via the spell's effect.

Summary:
Mediocre name
Poor idea (SAK of condition nullifying)
Mechanically shaky (nothing super interesting here)
Mostly well-written (need to ditch the double-spacing after periods)
Good presentation


Mark Moreland wrote:
Stonesnake wrote:
Adamantine Flask

* DR 5/- in a can. Not very innovative...

* Don't be too hasty to condemn this, I mean, you do have to refill it with WATER to recharge the item....

Hey Stonesnake,

Mark did respond, as above.

Contributor, RPG Superstar 2009, RPG Superstar Judgernaut

Phloid wrote:
Rucksack of Instant Armament

I'm immediately put off by the name. Rucksack feels more like a modern-day military term than something that screams Superstar medieval fantasy wondrous item. Instant armament also conjures up visions of a potential metagame/powergame mentality. So I go into reading this with my shields up right away.

Phloid wrote:

Aura moderate transmutation; CL 9th

Slot —; Price 3,000 gp Weight 3 lbs.

Aura and CL seem appropriate for a telekinesis item. Not sure if it applies yet to what the item does, though. Slot and weight seem somewhat reasonable for what amounts to a sack or a bag of holding type of item. Price is low. May not be accurate depending on what the item does.

Phloid wrote:

Description

Originally designed to allow mobility outside of combat while benefiting from heavy armor, this item has also become popular with spies who frequently change their identities.

Meh. Bad choice to lead off with an explanation of who designed it and why. Tell me what it is first. Then tell me what it does second. Then tell me any of that other stuff about who made it and why last (if at all).

Phloid wrote:
Expertly crafted of thick leather with a wood frame, the main compartment of this pack is large enough for an entire suit of full plate armor when disassembled and stacked. Its secondary compartment can hold up to 15 pounds or 1 cubic foot of equipment.

This should be your lead-off sentence.

Phloid wrote:
As long as the only item stored in the main compartment is a complete suit of armor or a single outfit of clothing, the wearer may activate the pack by command word. When activated, the pack opens and the armor or clothing quickly warps, whips, and slides into place across the wearer's body, replacing the previously worn garments. The replaced clothing or armor is neatly stacked in the main compartment and the pack closes itself. Neither set of garments is damaged in this transposition and all other equipment worn remains in place by adjusting for the new attire.

So, it's an auto-equipper. No more having to worry about those pesky "donning armor" rules anymore? This is your innovative Superstar design choice to win your way into the Top 32? Poor choice. In addition, at least one judge cited that there have been similar items (and spells?) as this that have made it into the game before (not necessarily Pathfinder) that do this much better.

Phloid wrote:
The pack will not activate if its user is in a tight space or the movement of the armor is otherwise restricted (i.e. user is squeezing, grappled, or carrying a large object in both arms). However, the pack will work for a mounted user.

So, it was very important for that last statement to get slipped in there so fighters/paladins/rangers/etc. who favor the mounted combat wouldn't have to climb down to activate it. Nice.

Phloid wrote:

Construction

Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, telekinesis; Cost 1,500 gp

Everything is presented well here. But, this item comes off more like a magical "phone booth" for being Clark Kent one moment and Superman the next. I'm also not sure telekinesis would even begin to go far enough describe the quick swap-out of armor/clothing/etc. That said, I don't have a recommendation for you on a replacement spell.

Summary:
Poor name choice
Bad idea (just not Superstar)
Boring mechanics (just a way to cheese out of the "donning armor" rules)
Decent writing/flavor
Good presentation


Thanks for the critique, Neil.

A couple comments and answers to questions you raised:

Neil Spicer wrote:

Slot is correct for gauntlets, but they usually weigh less than 5 lbs. A spiked gauntlet is 1 lb. And even a rusting gauntlet is 2 lbs.

They're magical locked gauntlets; mundane locked gauntlets weigh 5 pounds, so these should weigh 5 pounds. At least, that was my thought process.

Neil Spicer wrote:


Price is debatable. A nice round figure like that usually implies it was ballparked, quite possibly because there was no definitive way to price what it does...or, the math just became too hard and the designer decided to handwave it. Not sure which you did. It's just something that comes to mind as one reads through your item.

I did ballpark it; I seized on the bit in the magic item creation rules that suggest setting a price by comparison to existing items. Values I came up with via the charts felt way too high to me for the actual value of the item. If that's an approach we should avoid in the future (or if that seeming like the correct approach is something we should avoid in the future) that'd be helpful to know; I didn't take that away from SKR's auto-reject on item pricing, but maybe I should have?

Neil Spicer wrote:


Next, mechanically, this is a SAK of condition-negating effects. Creating an item like this to provide immunity to the imposition of all these conditions isn't a good idea.

The idea was that in conditions in which you're pretty much helpless and can't act, you still were helpless, except that you could threaten/AoO normally -- so a fighter that gets touched by a lich is still paralyzed permanently and doesn't get to move or act, other than that. In concept, the kind of thing you might prize if you were going up against a lot of enemies likely to paralyze you and placed value on going down fighting. (Or, with the game mechanics hat on, something that tries to strike a balance between keeping being paralyzed etc. still seriously debilitating as a player yet keeping you from being completely uninvolved in the rest of the fight.)

Reading your and the earlier judges' comments, I feel like the basic idea of the item wasn't understood or didn't come across at all. That's the hardest part of the criticism to read, because it makes me feel that my idea failed less on its merits (although it certainly could have still failed on them) and more on my inability to communicate it clearly and succinctly. That's a big failure on my part because if a handful of judges can read the item description and not "get it", it certainly would be misunderstood by most players. Any advice you can offer on how to avoid that in the future would be welcomed.

Neil Spicer wrote:


But I guess I have to ask...why animate objects? Are you implying the gauntlets themselves "animate" and move your arms?

That was the idea. I thought "the gauntlets spring to life" conveyed this but maybe I should have called out animation more directly? Or does that make the item worse rather than better?

Neil Spicer wrote:


Also, I didn't see much of anything that tied in the status spell's effects. Seems like a throwaway, unless you're suggesting the gauntlets are intelligent in some way and can sense the status of its wearer via the spell's effect.

I was trying to steer away from making an explicitly intelligent item, but that was roughly the idea -- that the gauntlets were continually monitoring the wearer via a continual status-like effect and would animate upon one of the triggering conditions.

Contributor, RPG Superstar 2009, RPG Superstar Judgernaut

Dire Mongoose wrote:
They're magical locked gauntlets; mundane locked gauntlets weigh 5 pounds, so these should weigh 5 pounds. At least, that was my thought process.

Fair enough. No biggie. I don't typically go to this degree of analysis during the sorting. Just trying to be more thorough on the feedback thread.

Dire Mongoose wrote:
Re: Price...I did ballpark it; I seized on the bit in the magic item creation rules that suggest setting a price by comparison to existing items. Values I came up with via the charts felt way too high to me for the actual value of the item. If that's an approach we should avoid in the future (or if that seeming like the correct approach is something we should avoid in the future) that'd be helpful to know; I didn't take that away from SKR's auto-reject on item pricing, but maybe I should have?

In this instance, I think a higher price may have been warranted anyway. But, it's definitely clear that you had no way to truly price it by the tables. So, you're correct in falling back to the "art" of wondrous item pricing and comparing it to other things. I just get the sense that you might not have compared it as properly as one might want.

Dire Mongoose wrote:
The idea was that in conditions in which you're pretty much helpless and can't act, you still were helpless, except that you could threaten/AoO normally -- so a fighter that gets touched by a lich is still paralyzed permanently and doesn't get to move or act, other than that. In concept, the kind of thing you might prize if you were going up against a lot of enemies likely to paralyze you and placed value on going down fighting. (Or, with the game mechanics hat on, something that tries to strike a balance between keeping being paralyzed etc. still seriously debilitating as a player yet keeping you from being completely uninvolved in the rest of the fight.)

The defending wisp of the dying ember attempted something similar to this idea. You might want to reference any of the general feedback we gave on that one, too. But all in all, an AoO is still very potent in the hands of someone who's a skilled warrior...and overriding that many helpless effects (paralysis, stunned, ability damage, etc.) just goes too far. I understand you wanted to protect a guy while he was down without letting him have full actions available to them, but this isn't the best place to go Superstar innovative on mechanics and idea. The rules for those types of conditions are a vital part of the game. Negating one or two via immunity, etc. is fine. Going this route is just unnecessarily complicated and annoying to the GM. It also smacks of a power-gamer's desire to not let anything ever threaten the survival of their character. And that's not a vibe you want to introduce in a submission for RPG Superstar. Practically every judge will kill it dead.

Dire Mongoose wrote:
Reading your and the earlier judges' comments, I feel like the basic idea of the item wasn't understood or didn't come across at all. That's the hardest part of the criticism to read, because it makes me feel that my idea failed less on its merits (although it certainly could have still failed on them) and more on my inability to communicate it clearly and succinctly. That's a big failure on my part because if a handful of judges can read the item description and not "get it", it certainly would be misunderstood by most players. Any advice you can offer on how to avoid that in the future would be welcomed.

Be more clear in your writing and presentation. Know your game mechanics inside out. Also, review all of the existing magic items from the Pathfinder Core Rulebook (as well as prior Top 32 participants in RPG Superstar) for ideas on how to properly phrase language related to the mechanics and game terminology of wondrous items. That should help you strengthen your ability to properly convey your idea in a more understandable format.

Dire Mongoose wrote:
Re: animate objects: That was the idea. I thought "the gauntlets spring to life" conveyed this but maybe I should have called out animation more directly? Or does that make the item worse rather than better?

Worse. The gauntlets aren't animating a helpless person via animate objects. If you're going to use that spell, it would mean the gauntlets themselves animate. To control someone's actions, you'd want to go with telekinesis or dominate person.

Dire Mongoose wrote:
Re: status effect: I was trying to steer away from making an explicitly intelligent item, but that was roughly the idea -- that the gauntlets were continually monitoring the wearer via a continual status-like effect and would animate upon one of the triggering conditions.

I can see some rationale for this...just not fully enthused by it.

/feedback


Fair enough. Thanks again.

Star Voter Season 6

Dire Mongoose wrote:
Reading your and the earlier judges' comments, I feel like the basic idea of the item wasn't understood or didn't come across at all. That's the hardest part of the criticism to read, because it makes me feel that my idea failed less on its merits (although it certainly could have still failed on them) and more on my inability to communicate it clearly and succinctly. That's a big failure on my part because if a handful of judges can read the item description and not "get it", it certainly would be misunderstood by most players. Any advice you can offer on how to avoid that in the future would be welcomed.

One thing that may help is advice in the book Made to Stick: Why Some Ideas Survive and Others Die, by Chip Heath and Dan Heath.

It's a fantastic book, and really helped me think about how to convey ideas simply and memorably. Most helpfully, it provides many examples of poorly constructed messages and how to fix them.

Here is a link with more information and reviews - I can't recommend it highly enough, for any kind of writing.

Made to Stick info


Seabyrn wrote:

One thing that may help is advice in the book Made to Stick: Why Some Ideas Survive and Others Die, by Chip Heath and Dan Heath.

It's a fantastic book, and really helped me think about how to convey ideas simply and memorably. Most helpfully, it provides many examples of poorly constructed messages and how to fix them.

Thanks for the recommendation -- it looks interesting. I grabbed it for my Kindle.


Kenneth.T.Cole wrote:


For your use. Following is a list of all items posted to date, and which Judge has responded. Please remember that Mark and Sean are posting for ALL judges comments from the judging booth.

Much thanks, Kenneth, for the summary. You've done all of us a service and saved the judges a lot of effort.

RPG Superstar 2013 Top 32 , Dedicated Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7 aka Standback

Rogue Eidolon's Astral Tear of the Lonely Wyrm:
Quote:


Aura moderate transmutation; CL 10th
Slot neck; Price 20,500 gp; Weight -
Description

When worn, this finger-length crystalline tear shimmers softly on a thin chain of fine platinum. If the astral tear is removed, its glow fades away and its chain dulls to gray.

Mournful whispers in Draconic echo through the wearer’s mind, and he gains a +5 competence bonus on Knowledge checks related to dragons.

However, the astral tear reveals its true power when worn by a summoner of at least 5th level. While he is summoning his eidolon, the whispers grow louder, begging him to infuse the astral essence within the tear into the summons. If he chooses to do so, his eidolon arrives in a pillar of white flame as a magnificent dragon with brilliant platinum scales. The eidolon uses the serpentine base form instead of its normal base form and receives the following evolutions instead of its normal evolutions: Claws, Flight, Limbs (legs)x2, Skilled (Perception). If the summoner is at least 11th level, the eidolon additionally gains the Large and Blindsense evolutions. Finally, if the summoner is at least 15th level, the eidolon also gains the Spell Resistance and Wing Buffet evolutions. This ability is use activated and usable at will.

Fleeting glimpses of ancient memories, feelings of loneliness, and twinges of despair flicker through the mind of an eidolon summoned using the astral tear. These memories grant it Skilled (Knowledge (arcana)) and Skilled (Knowledge (history)) as bonus evolutions and allow it to make Knowledge (arcana) and Knowledge (history) checks untrained.

If the astral tear is removed from the summoner’s neck, or if the tear is dispelled, the eidolon infused with the tear’s essence is immediately banished.

Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, transmogrify; Cost 10,250 gp

First of all, kudos for focusing on the new Summoner class - I think going for any new niche is a great idea here, and Summoner items interacting with the eidolon have the potential to be very interesting.

Secondly, I think you've done a really nice job here in both concept and flavor - you get across very nicely the idea of long-forgotten dragons, somehow reaching out and trying to reclaim their place in the world, using the shapeable eidolon as its conduit. That's a very cool idea; dramatic and with potential for neat effects on the game.

Where I think your entry falls down is in its actual game effects. You've chosen to have the concept play out by replacing the summoner's eidolon with your pre-set, dragon-themed one. I can see why you've gone that way - but that's an eidolon-in-a-can. Or alternatively, this out to be not-a-magic-item - it's an eidolon form and evolution progression, granted by a magic item.

For me, at least, that was my initial reaction to the item, and that's one of the most fatal flaws in the book. Which is a shame, because I really liked the positive points I mentioned earlier.

Another criticism is that it's not clear to me whether the choice to allow the dragon to influence the eidolon is a choice the summoner makes one time, and from then on the eidolon is set, or if he can choose every time he summons the eidolon whether to dragon it out or not. You say it's "use-activated and usable at will", but it only applies to the summons, and I'm not sure if once activated, the effect is temporary or permanent.

If it can be changed per summoning, this has the potential to be pretty unbalancing - it basically means the summoner gets his choice of two different eidolons whenever he wants. At a level-up, he could redesign his eidolon to have abilities diametrically opposite to the dragonform eidolon - and choose in every situation which one would be better. I'm not very familiar with summoners in-game, but that sounds kind of unbalancing to me - kind of like letting a wizard choose which of two spell lists to use before he casts the first one.

Lastly, it sounds as though the tear might grant the eidolon more evolutions than he necessarily has to begin with - say, a level-1 eidolon gets affected by this, he suddenly gets a huge wad of (pre-set) evolution points. Is that what you intended?

Hope these comments are helpful...


Neil Spicer wrote:
The Grandfather wrote:
Shroud of Necromorphosis ...

Thank you Neil for your advice.

The Cha damage was intended to be permanent damage (though not drain).

Destroying the revenant does not award any xp.

I screwed up the aura description, and had I known it was rotund (not to mention incorrect) information I would have left it out.

With regard to true seeing I was mistaken on how the spell works. I had somehow convinced myself that it did not pierce polymorph, which it does. I would erase that, if I were to post it again.

Pricing is much more tricky I think. I agree it is not a simple SIAC. It has some (to me) cool applications, but also has severe limitations/drawbacks, which I used to justify halving the price.


Neil Spicer wrote:
markofbane wrote:
Neil is still jumping in regularly to provide more feedback....In the meantime, I'm finding the feedback on the other items quite intriguing to read through.

Well done, Mark.

. . . .
Now, I've done all I can to be up front about this, but I want to reiterate one more time. I'm not going to make it through all the items posted here. I'm nuts for doing these long feedback responses anyway. Sean and Mark are right to show you what we discussed during the sorting. I'm just trying to pick and choose a few to serve up some additional lessons that we didn't have time to discuss or post while we were madly trying to sort things into the Keep or Reject pile.

--Neil

Neil, thanks for ALL this effort for those of us unsuccessful in this contest thus far. It is understandable that you are not able to critique all of our items this way. Is it possible for you (or other judges) to go through the list (maybe the one Ken Cole created) and only do the ones that were "kept" or even of those, the ones that were even closer? If not this, possibly simply copy his list and put an asterisk next to the ones that made the keep folder?

It is not a review, but it could at least tell those so marked that they "had the idea", and those not that they really must "pick up their game" for next year.

Whatever the case, thanks!


Seer’s Hands
Aura Moderate Divination; CL 7th
Slot Hands; Price 13600 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Description
Two periodically blinking eyes adorn the palms of this pair of supple leather gloves. Once per day, the wearer may activate the gloves by uttering a command word and touching an inanimate object with either the left or right glove. The glove then conjures a shadowy form (as silent image) that resembles the last creature to significantly interact with the touched object. The image accurately reflects the creature's size and shape, but obscures precise details like facial features. If the left glove is used, the image re-enacts that creature’s actions prior to and including the interaction with the object for seven minutes. For the right glove, the image shows the interaction with the object and subsequent actions of the creature for seven minutes. For example, the wearer could touch a set of dead-ending tracks with the right glove and witness how the creature that made them proceeded from that point. Both gloves cannot be used simultaneously and usage of either one expends their power for the day. It is the GM’s discretion as to whether an object activates the glove, and if so, which event should be considered the last significant interaction a creature had with the object. An object that fails to activate the gloves does not expend their power for the day.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, Scrying, Silent Image; Cost 6800 gp


Standback wrote:
** spoiler omitted **
...

Thanks for the great comments!

Quote:
If it can be changed per summoning, this has the potential to be pretty unbalancing - it basically means the summoner gets his choice of two different eidolons whenever he wants. At a level-up, he could redesign his eidolon to have abilities diametrically opposite to the dragonform eidolon - and choose in every situation which one would be better. I'm not very familiar with summoners in-game, but that sounds kind of unbalancing to me - kind of like letting a wizard choose which of two spell lists to use before he casts the first one.

In fact, the item's raison d'etre is to give a second choice of an eidolon form, and one that would be hopefully cool and flavourful (rather than a bland item that just said "you get two eidolon forms to choose between"). The idea of designing the eidolon at level-up to be opposed to the dragon eidolon and give you some variety is the key feature. This was meant not to be an eidolon-in-a-can or a "this is your eidolon now instead of the original" kind of item so much as an "item of having two eidolon forms to choose from". Way back in the APG playtest, I saw a lot of voices from people who wanted to have the ability to summon a few preset eidolons (a la many source RPGs that inspired the class), and I was surprised that nothing existed yet to allow for that. This item is my answer to that.

Is it too powerful? I guess the jury is still out, but I'm pretty sure it isn't. There's a few subtle things that I believe make it balanced that depend on some of the side rules for summoners. There's a few reasons why:

The first is that it takes up the amulet slot. The summoner and eidolon have only one amulet slot between them, and the Amulet of Mighty Fists is pretty much a must-have for an eidolon. Any summoner wearing this item can't have an Amulet of Mighty Fists (or any other neck item) on the eidolon.

Secondly, the dragon eidolon uses most of its points for combat evolutions, but it isn't as good at it as a custom-designed eidolon that focuses on making a lot of claw attacks or attacking with manufactured weapons. This is important because it makes it harder to min/max your other form in tandem (if you make the normal form all combat, the dragon overlaps somewhat, but if you make it all utility, the dragon isnt going to be as strong in combat).

Lastly, the eidolon does not get to switch out feats or skills, so the dragon form is very unlikely to be able to share advantages from the eidolon's feats (for instance, a sword-wielding eidolon will have weapon feats that the dragon form can't use).

Quote:
Lastly, it sounds as though the tear might grant the eidolon more evolutions than he necessarily has to begin with - say, a level-1 eidolon gets affected by this, he suddenly gets a huge wad of (pre-set) evolution points. Is that what you intended?

As per the item description, the item only functions for a Summoner of at least 5th level. Other than the Knowledge boosts for the eidolon, the dragon form will always be at or behind a regular eidolon.

Quote:

First of all, kudos for focusing on the new Summoner class - I think going for any new niche is a great idea here, and Summoner items interacting with the eidolon have the potential to be very interesting.

Secondly, I think you've done a really nice job here in both concept and flavor - you get across very nicely the idea of long-forgotten dragons, somehow reaching out and trying to reclaim their place in the world, using the shapeable eidolon as its conduit. That's a very cool idea; dramatic and with potential for neat effects on the game.

Thanks so much! And again, thanks for the comments! I'm interested to see what you think about my comments on the balance side--I actually showed this to friends in my group, and the power gamers all told me that the item was actually relatively weak but flavorful because the dragon wasn't optimized enough for fighting to be used as the primary battle eidolon in most cases.

Scarab Sages RPG Superstar 2013 , Dedicated Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9 aka Steven T. Helt

RonarsCorruption wrote:
Bart Vervaet wrote:
THIRD EYE
I very nearly named my item that. ;)

The MIC has an entire subset of magic items called third eyes. Unless its execution is just too oriingal to be confused with them, I'd avoid an entry that looked like I picked something easy that hadn't transitioned from 3.5 to PFRPG.

The Exchange Star Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8

Okay, I'm pretty sure that it at least had partially to do with the bland name and description of the item, but I'd like to know if I screwed up anything else and didn't notice it.

Infiltrator's Hand
Aura moderate conjuration; CL 7th
Slot hands; Price 24,000 gp (One glove); Weight -
Description
This device is a single black leather glove. On command this glove will detach whichever hand it is on from your arm. This hand can now be mentally commanded as a swift action on your turn to travel up to 30 ft. or manipulate objects with no more than 5 lbs. of force. While the hand is detached from your body you can see and hear from the hand's location by closing your eyes. The hand has 4 hit points, or 1/10th of your hit points, whichever is higher. It's treated as a tiny sized creature (Pathfinder Bestiary pg. 292) with your dexterity, your ranks in stealth, improved evasion and a continuous spider climb effect. The hand cannot be more than 200 ft. from your location and cannot spend more than a total of 30 minutes in a given day away from your body, which may be divided in to multiple uses. Excess time should be rounded to the nearest minute when calculating time used. You can feel tactile sensations through the hand, however you cannot cast spells through it. Twice per day you may also cast dimension door, teleporting you to the location of the hand. If the hand travels more than 200 ft. from your location, is brought to 0 hit points, or the daily 30 minute duration runs out the hand returns to your body, with any excess hit points that the hand still has being added back to your total hit points.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Items, clairaudience/clairvoyance, dimension door, spectral hand; Cost 12,000 gp


I finally found my original file again to submit it. ^^ I think I did some last second tweaks before submitting but those are neglectible.

Key of thought’s thread
Aura moderate enchantment and divination; CL 10th

Slot none; Price 24000 gp; Weight

Description
This magical item looks like an old, rusty, iron key like it is used for big doors.

Once per day, if the key is thrust into the head of a creature, it harmlessly enters the victim’s body. This requires a touch attack with -4 malus for the smaller size, which provokes attacks of opportunity. One round later an illusionary book and quill appears resting on the creature’s head. Written in this book are the last 5 minutes of its memory, its thoughts and concerns.
While this effect is in place the victim is considered dazed. Any aggressive behavior towards it instantly breaks the spell, ejecting the key violently. The key is automatically ejected after 5 minutes. If removed before that time the creature remains dazed for one more round.
If used on mindless creatures (such as golems or most undead) the book will show the orders that creature follows (if any).
The book is written in the creature’s native tongue. In the case of a mindless creature it is the language of the controller.
By using the quill, one can edit the lines of text in the book and with it the creature’s memories (or a mindless creature’s commands). A linguistics check is required to determine how successful the result is. Treat the thoughts of mindless undead as simple message, a humanoid’s as standard text and any exotic races (aberrations, golems etc.) as exotic writing.
You must know where the head of a creature is, to use this item (which is not assured with some aberrations and other oddly shaped monsters).

The victim is allowed a DC17 Will Save to resist these effects.

Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, detect thoughts, modify memory; Cost 12000 gp

Dedicated Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7

Kenneth.T.Cole wrote:
For your use. Following is a list of all items posted to date...

Thanks for the list - nice work! 68 to go till mine (Emberwisp Vial). While I think I have a pretty godd idea what went wrong (item not interesting enough), as a non native speaker I need feedback especially on the writing.


MicMan wrote:
Thanks for the list - nice work! 68 to go till mine

My pleasure to help. I'll update the list again in a couple days, and may add some features to it if I have time.

Ken


Below is a chart of all wondrous magical items submitted to the judges/developers for their comments. Before each name is the list of the judges/developers (by first name) and in that column "X" indicates they have posted comments. The "ALL" column means that all comments from the judges have been posted.

Please let me know if you see any omissions or errors and I will update it on the next submission.

Thank you,
Ken

WONDROUS ITEMS CHART

Spoiler:

#__ ....... ALL_ ....... NEIL ....... CLARK ....... SEAN ....... MARK ....... VIC_ ....... ITEM___________________________________
001 ....... _X__ ....... _X__ ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... The Lantern of The Illumined Walk
002 ....... _X__ ....... _X__ ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Spell Syphon
003 ....... _X__ ....... _X__ ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Egg of the Flame Toxoztesoma
004 ....... _X__ ....... _X__ ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Ship in a bottle
005 ....... _X__ ....... _X__ ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Searing Vestment of the Dawnflower
006 ....... _X__ ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Shroud of the Immolator
007 ....... _X__ ....... _X__ ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Bracers of transfiguration
008 ....... _X__ ....... _X__ ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Glass Heart
009 ....... _X__ ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Penumbral Ligatures
010 ....... _X__ ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Reciprocity Coin
011 ....... _X__ ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Defending Wisp of the Dying Ember
012 ....... _X__ ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Hunting Cloak of the Great Cats
013 ....... _X__ ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Moonlight Strands
014 ....... _X__ ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Chrononaut’s Horologe
015 ....... _X__ ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Cloak of Adhesion
016 ....... _X__ ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Gloves of Dragonfly Eyes
017 ....... _X__ ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Abolitionist's Dust
018 ....... _X__ ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Conclave Seeds
019 ....... _X__ ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Ornod’s Ashen Doll
020 ....... _X__ ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Talisman of Time
021 ....... _X__ ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Forceful Bracers
022 ....... _X__ ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Philosopher's Spell Guilders
023 ....... _X__ ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Haunt-Clad Shroud
024 ....... _X__ ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Prise de fer Plastron
025 ....... _X__ ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Laurel of Magnificence
026 ....... _X__ ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Shroud of Necromorphosis
027 ....... _X__ ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Phoenix Knights' Misericorde
028 ....... _X__ ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Gem of Enduring Legacy
029 ....... _X__ ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Whispering Watcher
030 ....... _X__ ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Amulet of Reverse Incantation
031 ....... ____ ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Smoldering Sack
032 ....... _X__ ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Gauntlets of Desperate Defense
033 ....... _X__ ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Rucksack of Instant Armament
034 ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Eyes of the Time Thief
035 ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Paak’s Configuration Clasp
036 ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Sky Barnacle
037 ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Featherweight Slippers
038 ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Amulet of the Mana Wastes
039 ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Weaver's Kerchief
040 ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Guardian Amulet
041 ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... The Not Lost Box
042 ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Clay of Flesh Crafting
043 ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Gauntlets of the Chittering Delve
044 ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Spaulder of Forlorn Hope
045 ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Contract Collar
046 ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Cloak of the Pride
047 ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Smoking Crock of the Vengeful Beekeeper
048 ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Tiniek’s Talkative Tankard
049 ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Adventurers Rally Stones
050 ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Pharaoh's Periapt of Pestilence
051 ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Vow of Silence
052 ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Widow’s Lock
053 ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Seekers Eye
054 ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Astonishing cuff links
055 ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... The Journal of Pernicious Replication
056 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Circlet of Serpentine Tendrils
057 ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Bracers of the Kraken
058 ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Tharqumoritron
059 ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Boots of the Blighted Path
060 ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Paper Robes
061 ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Mwangi Measuring Stick
062 ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... CRYSTAL FLY
063 ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Heart’s Joy
064 ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Polyergon Polyhedron
065 ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Bonsai of Sanguine Feasting
066 ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Bone Melter
067 ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Mudlark's Prize
068 ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Scabbard of Reforging
069 ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Adamantine Flask
070 ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Pentacle Purse of Quandary
071 ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Sarong of Cinders
072 ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Voice Box of Birdsong
073 ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Hand of Vengeance
074 ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Diadem of the Spider
075 ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Animist’s Core
076 ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Sash of the Seducer’s Sting
077 ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Absalom Amulet of Distinction
078 ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Cloak of the Coward
079 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Genteel Rogues Handkerchief
080 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... LACE FAN OF THE VIGILANT COURTIER
081 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Staff Head of the Dragon Lords
082 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Ruby Monocle of Mind Bending
083 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Archers' Elemental Glove
084 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Spectacles of the Second Sight
085 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Athame of the Master
086 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Naturesmith Gloves
087 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Goggles of Twisting Sight
088 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Leatherback Cloak
089 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Threads of Discourse
090 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Nightmare Flask
091 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Mask of Dou-Bral
092 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Belt of Sudden Elasticity
093 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Mask of the Demon Hound
094 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Paranoid Charm
095 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Hammer of the Master Craftsman
096 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Sneak Thief's Bluff
097 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Smokesting Fire-Geyser
098 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Collar of Tricks
099 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Marbles of Useful Distraction
100 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Saddle of Erastil's Blessing
101 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Stygian Seal of Blasphemy
102 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Gauntlets of Deep Earth
103 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Stump Dust
104 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Ersatz Elixir
105 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Torc of Totemic Form
106 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... SERPENT TONGUE
107 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Ironwood Vest
108 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Compass of the Inner Circle
109 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Locket of the Last Breath
110 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Jotunblood Mantle
111 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... _X__ ....... Glove of Snappy Comebacks
112 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Welkin’s Fury
113 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Pixie Bead
114 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Cauldron of Remembrance
115 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Nexus of Blessed Mists
116 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Miniature Token of Second Chance
117 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Boots of time sprinting
118 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... The Pirate Queen's Call
119 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Dream Siphon of Dark Desires
120 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Phylactery of the Gray Master
121 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Mackilarney’s Mobile Masonry
122 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Binding Bottle
123 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Vambraces of the Second Lesson
124 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Desert Widows Embrace
125 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Scales of the Scorpion
126 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Figment of Gnomish Retribution
127 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Vial of Vanishing Smoke
128 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Mask of the Mystic Hunter
129 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Shadow Master’s Flute
130 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... The Widow's Curse
131 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Sun of Valor
132 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... The Blooded Stone of Brotherhood
133 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Crystalline Orb of the Sun and Moon
134 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Asmodean Signet
135 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Stygian Fiddle
136 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Saurian Choker
137 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Spirit Catchers
138 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Intellect Syringe
139 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Pilgrim’s Fetish
140 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Boggard Bag
141 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Pipe of Bubbles
142 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Hood of the Geomancer
143 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Blessed Antoillier
144 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Mask of Two Faces
145 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Implement
146 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Shimmerball
147 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Snake Charmer’s Blessing
148 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Undistinguished Choker
149 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Season's Raiment
150 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Emberwisp Vial
151 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Gravity Nail of Nethys
152 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Circlet of Adoration
153 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... CEREBUS COLLAR
154 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Dimensional Battery
155 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Pearl Of Ponding
156 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Pommelstone of Power
157 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... The Book of Beast and Brute
158 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Glove of the Crustacean
159 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Eyes of the Past
160 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Hungry Ghost Mask
161 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Grafting Clamp
162 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Boots of the Masterful Step
163 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Allure's Aroma
164 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Urn of the Giant Horde
165 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Diadem of the Waking Dream
166 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Spectacles of Arcane Insight
167 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Golem Fetter
168 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Gauntlets of Icy Grasp
169 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Triage Helm
170 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Breath of the Hoarskin Hag
171 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... RAIN MAKER
172 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Chalk of Augmented Summoning
173 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... THE MORTEVOYANT EYE
174 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Floruit’s Lullaby
175 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Goblin King Mask
176 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Cape of the Night Stalker
177 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Earth Bread
178 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Cincture of Horrific Emaciating
179 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Tome of Deadly Pranks
180 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Oyster of Ricochets
181 ....... ____ ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Lantern of Mesmerizing Shadows
182 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Clay of the Master
183 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Insightful Eye
184 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Sash of the Careless Spelunker
185 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Ablative Token
186 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Whisper of Nethys
187 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Vambraces of Spectral Chains
188 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Spellshears
189 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Whisper Scarf
190 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Starshard
191 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Lens of the Avaricious Merchant
192 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Horn of the Styx
193 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Serpentine Mantle
194 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Tome of Passages
195 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Obi of the Hagfish
196 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Arcane Effigy
197 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Hangman’s Friend
198 ....... ____ ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Runic Portal Stone
199 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Pipe of Smoke and Flame
200 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Spine of the Forest
201 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Phial of Purloined Persona
202 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Boots of the Sneak Thief
203 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Hell Brand Tattoo
204 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... GLOVE OF PEERING AND GRASPING
205 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Disk of Launching
206 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Cipher Ward Cloak
207 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Canary Cage Delver
208 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Scabbard of Echoes
209 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Arcanocrystal
210 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Gloves of Passage
211 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... THIRD EYE
212 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... The Ever Seeking Compass
213 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Lantern of Shadows
214 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Candle of Detection
215 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... QUILL OF THE HEDGEHOG
216 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Bully Torc
217 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Serpentine Mantle
218 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Zalindi’s Minute Wardrobe
219 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Gallowsrope of Sacrificial Wisdom
220 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Band of the Slithering Swarm
221 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Weaponcharm Bracelet
222 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Link Prisms
223 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Shaman's Rain Stick
224 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Coin Spider
225 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Songbird of Suppression
226 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Throbbing Orb
227 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Astral Tear of the Lonely Wyrm
228 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Harness of the Hero's Helper
229 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Death’s Burnt Offering
230 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Arcane Antechamber
231 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Kyreth’s Amulet of Musical Accompaniment
232 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Spider Key
233 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Huntsman Whetstone of Blood
234 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Boots of the Unexpected
235 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Shroud of Undeath
236 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... wonderful vial of magical blood
237 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Conch of the Twisted Tide
238 ....... ____ ....... _X__ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Scabbard of the False Peace
239 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Crown of Deceit
240 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Protective Perambulator of the Paranoid
241 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Pipe of Pleasant Palaver
242 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Stone of Banishment
243 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... The Low Templar’s Squire
244 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Boots of Roots
245 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Fetish of Souls
246 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Glimwicket's Instant Stone
247 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Circlet of Mind Speech
248 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Pendant of the Stalwart Warrior
249 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Alabaster Moth
250 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Infiltrator's Hand
251 ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... ____ ....... Key of thought’s thread


Kenneth.T.Cole wrote:

Below is a chart of all wondrous magical items submitted to the judges/developers for their comments. Before each name is the list of the judges/developers (by first name) and in that column "X" indicates they have posted comments. The "ALL" column means that all comments from the judges have been posted.

Please let me know if you see any omissions or errors and I will update it on the next submission.

Thank you,
Ken

Could you please spoiler it? it's huuuge!

Edit: thank you, thats way more convenient.

PS: pages 3+ will have to wait until after i gave the Archetypes my pass, but I will be back.


Azmahel wrote:
[Could you please spoiler it? it's huuuge!

Better? :) You always add that extra thought I forget.

Thanks Azmahel,
Ken

Dark Archive

Kenneth.T.Cole wrote:
Below is a chart of all wondrous magical items submitted to the judges/developers for their comments. Before each name is the list of the judges/developers (by first name) and in that column "X" indicates they have posted comments. The "ALL" column means that all comments from the judges have been posted.

Blimey.

*applause*


Kenneth.T.Cole wrote:

Below is a chart of all wondrous magical items submitted to the judges/developers for their comments. Before each name is the list of the judges/developers (by first name) and in that column "X" indicates they have posted comments. The "ALL" column means that all comments from the judges have been posted.

Please let me know if you see any omissions or errors and I will update it on the next submission.

Thank you,
Ken

WONDROUS ITEMS CHART
** spoiler omitted **...

...dude...I hope you find work soon, before you snap from the solitude. [/joke]

Seriously, thanks for doing all the organizing that us mortals wish we had the time for!


Marc Chin wrote:

...dude...I hope you find work soon, before you snap from the solitude. [/joke]

Seriously, thanks for doing all the organizing that us mortals wish we had the time for!

Bah, did the list a couple hours one night, then made it a better format (the newest version) on my lunch break at work. No big deal.


Ya OK, I wish I had a job that allowed 2 hours for lunch....lol

RPG Superstar 2009 Top 32 , Star Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 8 aka OgeXam

Kenneth.T.Cole wrote:
...WONDROUS ITEMS CHART...

oooh ahhhhh

Let's us get a feel for the magnitude of the effor the judges are going through. Not even half way to my item... so hopefully the judges will get to it someday. :)

Dedicated Voter Season 6

Kenneth.T.Cole wrote:
Azmahel wrote:
[Could you please spoiler it? it's huuuge!

Better? :) You always add that extra thought I forget.

Thanks Azmahel,
Ken

Great work!

Roll on 128! :D


Kenneth.T.Cole wrote:
Marc Chin wrote:

...dude...I hope you find work soon, before you snap from the solitude. [/joke]

Seriously, thanks for doing all the organizing that us mortals wish we had the time for!

Bah, did the list a couple hours one night, then made it a better format (the newest version) on my lunch break at work. No big deal.

Well, then thanks again for taking a few hours to do what we're all trying to do mentally!

I elect you to be the "2011 RPG Superstar-rejects" class secretary :-)

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