Oyster of Ricochets
*...Ummm...no. Poorly written. Bad mechanics with the ricochet tracking and influencing. Bad idea...just isn't very interesting or innovative. Hate the name. Vote to Reject.
*...Don't redefine words that already have a common usage. Wondrous Item auto-reject advice #16: Item's name is a real-world item name. Reject.
Clay of the Master
*...fabricate-IAC. Reject.
*...Yeah. There's nothing this item does that couldn't be accomplished with the spell itself. Also, some weak writing in this one. And it makes references to "gamemaster's discretion"...which I find annoying in most item descriptions. It's just too open-ended. Vote to Reject.
Insightful Eye
*...This item was okay for me up until the point about tying it so the eye looks forward and, through studying an opponent, the wearer gets to ignore 5 points of their AC. Why not just say it gives a +5 insight bonus on attack rolls? Hence, the insightful eye...?
*...Aside from that, even the method of tying it backwards to receive all-around vision feels very much like gaining a monster ability in a can. Sometimes that's cool (like the batrachian helm using the pull ability from last year). But in this case, I'm not feeling the cool flavor or mojo to make this stand out.
*...Plus, the concept of a third eye has been portrayed in lots of different ways and magic items in the past. I'm not sure this idea is new or innovative enough. I'm leaning towards Reject, but what do the rest of you think?
*...I'm with you. If this thing were cut down to just a cool way to get all-round vision then it might have been Superstar. Everything after that ability just screams POWER ABUSE to me in all caps.
Sash of the Careless Spelunker
*...So, this is a make climbing safe item? And, let's make sure you're never forced to drop an item either. And allow you to catch stuff that's thrown at you like the Snatch Arrows feat. Meh.
*...I can see where they thought this would make for a unique and interesting concept. It's probably the type of item someone would think to make in a fantasy world. It's just not an item that would be good for the game given all the situations it's intended to negate.
*...They did an awesome job following the provided template, though. Kudos for that. But I don't care for the name. Vote to Reject.
*...We no longer have "move-equivalent" actions as of 3.5. That's going on 7 years now. Update your terminology, youngster! Reject.
Ablative Token
*...This is pretty much DR 10/-- in a can. And a +2 deflection bonus to AC tacked on top. I'm a little surprised that it blocks everything...melee attacks, ranged attacks, energy damage? And the stoneskin spell seems like a strange requirement. Granted, it gives you DR 10/adamantine, but that's with the assumption an attack connects with your body. This device is going full on ablative to slow attacks before they connect. Maybe telekinesis might be a better requirement?
*...At any rate, great execution of the template. They've articulated everything really well. Not sure how innovative the concept or the mechanics are, but I'm not wowed by it. At least it's not overpowered with it only being useful 3 times/day and only against a single triggering attack. If anything, I'm a weak Keep on this one.
*...It's DR-in-a-can. Reject.
*...For 15k gp you may as well get +1 invulnerability armor and have DR/5 all the time. This doesn't really excite me, we have much better items in the keeper queue already. Reject.
Whisper of Nethys
*...This is metagame item couched in an augury so the GM is forced to tell a player at least one spell they should probably prepare for the day ahead. Not Superstar. Vote to Reject.
*...Agreed. Reject.
Vambraces of Spectral Chains
*...Eh. Kind of a cool idea behind it. Mechanically, it feels a little half-baked to me. For instance, what happens if you use that second effect to bind yourself to another individual. Can they engage in a tug of war with you? Or what happens if you try to retract the chain and pull them to you.
*...I think this item would have been stronger if the new pull special ability had been utilized like the batrachian helm from last year. I'm also a little unsure of the incorporeal chain still anchoring you to another object, but shrugging off any normal weapons that attempt to break it. And, the ability to pretty much do that at will seems a little too potent for 12,000 gp. But maybe you guys feel differently. I'm going to say weak Reject for now.
*...The incorporeal chain is immune to nonmagical damage. So you could use the chain on a bridge, and you can't be moved more than 50 feet from the bridge, so if you fall, you're fine, because falling damage is nonmagical damage, so you'll just dangle there. You could use it in this way to climb walls.
*...Does the chain require line of effect, or can you run around a corner from your item? Can you run through a doorway and close the door? Because the chain is incorporeal, it should still exist right through the door...or maybe it would prop the door open because it has line of effect.
*...He points out that you can escape by teleporting, but that's obvious because this isn't a force effect or a dimensional anchor. Except he also points out you can't go ethereal, but again, this isn't a force effect so that shouldn't matter at all. Didn't really think this one through enough. Reject.
*...Agreed. Rejected.
Spellshears
*...Not really a fan of the reusable, "iterative attack-based" dispel magic shears...even at this price. Vote to Reject.
*...It's a plot device. At first I was going to dismiss it just for that alone but then I started thinking of enough reasons to carry this around without a specific plot point in mind. Then I was going to dismiss it because I expected it to be too cheap. But at 73K, I see this as something that a medium level character may actually invest in (or be happy to find), and which would have a lot of uses (petrifications, for example).
*...I'm less enthused about the idea of using it offensively. Up against a planar outsider, a powerful undead, or an abomination, is someone able to make the Spellcraft checks going to be surviving within touch attack range?
*...What's the caster level of this item?
*..."Against a creature" is vague. "Against an unwilling opponent" would be better.
*...OK, after thinking about all these things, I end up at Reject but this could be retooled for next year I think.
Whisper Scarf
*...This is one of those open comm-line items for PCs that want to execute SWAT-like maneuvers. Not really a fan. The message spell alone can enable this type of thing. I don't believe a wondrous item that duplicates that SIAC ability is all that innovative. And especially not in comparison to some of the mojo other designers are bringing to the table.
*...That said, this designer is close. They used the provided template very well. And the pricing/cost calculation with the 5 sp factored in shows an attention to detail that most designers skip. This item might even be good enough for a book of magic items. But, as is...I vote to Reject.
*...Me, I woulda rounded it to 1,700 gp and not deal with the 5 sp down below.
*...The weird thing is, for a radio item, it only lasts 1 minute. Strange. Reject.
Treewardens Bucket of Wildfirebane
*...Quite the title you got there! Lots of awkward language here and a misspelling of "exstinguish"...This item also attempts to do way too much. Reject.
*...Ex-sting-uish. The process of being stung by a hot coal or spark while putting out fires. :-) But yeah...Vote to Reject.
Chalk of Augmented Summoning*...Not thrilled with the presentation values here.
If/when you can, I'm not clear on what "presentation values" means. Sentence structure? Vocabulary? More fluff? As well as any other detailed advice.
In any case, I've got a "thank you" gift for you (a free license to some gaming software I make) for spending so much time giving us all advice. But I need to email it to you and I can't find an email address for you and it seems this message board doesn't have PMs.
Can you drop me an email at:
haha, just had to do that.
joewetzel at gmail dot com
|
Whisper Scarf*...This is one of those open comm-line items for PCs that want to execute SWAT-like maneuvers. Not really a fan. The message spell alone can enable this type of thing. I don't believe a wondrous item that duplicates that SIAC ability is all that innovative. And especially not in comparison to some of the mojo other designers are bringing to the table.
*...That said, this designer is close. They used the provided template very well. And the pricing/cost calculation with the 5 sp factored in shows an attention to detail that most designers skip. This item might even be good enough for a book of magic items. But, as is...I vote to Reject.
*...Me, I woulda rounded it to 1,700 gp and not deal with the 5 sp down below.
*...The weird thing is, for a radio item, it only lasts 1 minute. Strange. Reject.
Round up? But that would be...inexact! It's inconceivable! :)
Thanks, Niel, I thought I'd submitted my item way too late to get the judges' comments! Yeah, the concept...I was pretty sure it was lacking. I will work on that for next year.
Thank you again!
Caparison of the Souljoined Steed
*...I want to like this one. A caparison is an interesting object to introduce as a wondrous item. I like the thought of quickly conveying the combat trained ability to a horse...but any animal without "mystical abilities"...? I get what they mean. I just think the language isn't very tight in what they're attempting to describe.
*...Good choice to exclude animal companions and familiars.
*...I think the item is too expensive though. It's just not going to see that much use in-game. It could make a much cooler low-level, low-price item, I think. It's definitely a boon to someone who has the need to switch horses frequently and wants to maintain a mount with combat training so they can keep using all their mounted combat feats.
*...I also like the armor proficiency and dodge bonus to the animal, in question. I think I'd like it better if the caparison specifically singled out horses and not just any mount...with maybe a hint that other versions exist for other animals. But maybe that's just me. Anyway. Weak Keep.
*...I wish that designers would try harder to use templates and types already in the game. There's no such thing as a "mystical" animal. If you're really concerned about non-mundane animals, just specify the item doesn't work with any mount possessing a Supernatural ability.
*...I like this item. Designers tend to underestimate how many players care about their horses and wish they had more interesting things to do with them. I used to joke that if we did a product based purely on what we thought would sell the most copies it would be all about horses.
*...Let's keep it for now. It's not broken, it's unique, it may fit into a category of "useful stuff that the PC doesn't wear or use".
*...I certainly see the function of this, but it's sort of boring. Some of the phrasing seems amateurish, especially the first sentence, which I found very awkward and a jarring way to start the description. The designer also didn't seem to understand how to use BB markup, even when it was included in the template, which doesn't make me feel very confident in his ability to turn over a manuscript I won't have to completely style myself.
*...In the end, I have no strong opinion about this one, and could see myself as either a weak keep or weak reject, but the fact that I could see myself as either means I'm just not inspired by it, and we want the top 32 to be inspiring. So, Reject.
*...Writing is awkward. "Mystical" animal doesn't mean anything. Magic items should not give dodge bonuses (because they always stack). (No items in the Core Rulebook give dodge bonuses.) Failure to use template. Reject from me.
Note: This item made the Keep pile, but didn't stay for very long. It just didn't have enough mojo to capture our interest to champion it further.
Starshard
*...Too much Mr. Science in me to see "bit of a dying star" as anything other than "yeah, like every other atom except hyrdogen you've ever touched", or "man, that's going to be a blob of neutronium!"
*...I'm trying to recapture the innocence of youth and just see this as the metaphor the designer intended.
*...So something takes 10 negative levels. There's no link between the item using its power battery and those levels being restored so I guess you've just screwed someone royally. And apparently you can do it every day. Maybe a nice bauble for a Lich but I can't see anyone making friends while lugging this around.
*...Might be more useful as a permanent darkness SIAC. Reject.
*...Agreed on all fronts. Reject.
*...Aww, who doesn't like kryptonite?
*...This is Superstar. Not Superman. ;-P
Lens of the Avaricious Merchant
*...Plus-five-to-a-skill-in-a-can is not Superstar. Reject.
*...Agreed. Kill it.
*...Rejected.
Origami Familiar
*...I actually kind of like this idea. I just think the execution is somewhat lacking. I dislike the "easy way" and "hard way" as described. But I like the thought of an item that temporarily grants varying types of skill bonuses based on the type of familiar it mimics.
*...I don't like the wild empathy connection, though. If it had kept going with the other level-based ability sharing provided by actual familiars (like speak with own kind...which could have been interpreted as speak with animals of the type the origami depicts) would have made this cooler.
*...as written, this is really just a SAK of Skill-Bonuses-in-a-Can...and some wild empathy tacked on. Unfortunately, I have to vote to Reject.
*...Reject but could easily be reworked into a challenger for 2011. A great core concept.
Horn of the Styx
*...It's mostly hide from undead-in-a-can, plus an area death knell. Reject.
*...It's not just hide from undead and death knell. It's mass hide from undead and mass death knell.
*...Thematically, I'm not sure how it even holds up. Why are you invisible to undead just because you're holding a horn of the styx? The death knell part I can understand. You blow the horn, you snuff out a bunch of people on the verge of death and get some benefits for it. But it's not all that interesting to me. Just going with "mass" versions of the original spells doesn't distinguish enough of it to make it innovative or interesting. Now, if they'd dispensed with the hiding element and turned this thing into more of a reverse horn of valhalla that called warriors home rather than summoning them to fight for you, maybe this would have had better mojo to it.
*...As it stands, I agree it's just a SIAC (mass version). Vote to Reject.
Serpentine Mantle
*...This is far more a weapon than a wondrous item...even though much of it relates to combat maneuvers. Vote to Reject.
*...Yep, an animate chain sure sounds like a weapon to me. Reject.
Malady Mask
*...So...followers of Urgathoa would create a mask to draw diseases out of someone and into themselves? Why exactly? Her whole portfolio involves the spreading of disease. Vote to Reject.
*...Agreed. Reject.
Up to page 10 now. Looks like there's around 56 or so to go. Seriously taking a break for at least a little while.
(stands and applauds)
That was amazing,.. couldn't keep up with reading them as they came out.
For the gods' sake rest! (now that mine's done) ;)
|
Spellshears*...Not really a fan of the reusable, "iterative attack-based" dispel magic shears...even at this price. Vote to Reject.
*...It's a plot device. At first I was going to dismiss it just for that alone but then I started thinking of enough reasons to carry this around without a specific plot point in mind. Then I was going to dismiss it because I expected it to be too cheap. But at 73K, I see this as something that a medium level character may actually invest in (or be happy to find), and which would have a lot of uses (petrifications, for example).
*...I'm less enthused about the idea of using it offensively. Up against a planar outsider, a powerful undead, or an abomination, is someone able to make the Spellcraft checks going to be surviving within touch attack range?
*...What's the caster level of this item?
*..."Against a creature" is vague. "Against an unwilling opponent" would be better.
*...OK, after thinking about all these things, I end up at Reject but this could be retooled for next year I think.
Thanks for the feedback! I was glad to hear that I didn't totally bomb-out. This was my first attempt at Superstar, and you have left me with hope that I may yet make the cut in a future competition.
If/when you can, I'm not clear on what "presentation values" means. Sentence structure? Vocabulary? More fluff? As well as any other detailed advice.Chalk of Augmented Summoning*...Not thrilled with the presentation values here.
Presentation values means use of the provided template. You managed to italicize your spell name in the construction requirements, but it should also have been lowercase. Your header tags should have been boldface. Your aura information should have been "moderate transmutation" instead of "moderate Transmutation." And, anytime you reference your magic item name in your descriptive text, it should be lowercase and italicized like all other magic items that appear in the descriptive text of a wondrous item write-up.
Also, from a descriptive text perspective, you jumped straight into what your item does before you told us much about it. Now, granted, chalk can be pretty bland descriptively-speaking, but you should look to jazz up the description of your item with some amount of flavor text to show off your writing ability and evoke some decent imagery for your reader.
These are the details that make the presentation of your submission as professionally-polished as possible. And that's what you should strive for...i.e., duplicating how a wondrous item appears in the Pathfinder Core Rulebook. It's becoming a huge pet-peeve of mine that people still butcher the template or mess up the presentation of their item. It's this attention-to-detail that serves as a clear mark for someone the judges (and hence, Paizo) can trust with a freelancer's responsibilities.
In any case, I've got a "thank you" gift for you (a free license to some gaming software I make) for spending so much time giving us all advice. But I need to email it to you and I can't find an email address for you and it seems this message board doesn't have PMs.
Not necessary. But I appreciate the sentiment.
Hope you have better luck next year,
--Neil
RPG Superstar 2012 Top 32
,
Champion Voter Season 6, Champion Voter Season 7, Champion Voter Season 8, Champion Voter Season 9
|
And, anytime you reference your magic item name in your descriptive text, it should be lowercase and italicized like all other magic items that appear in the descriptive text of a wondrous item write-up.
I never noticed that one until it was pointed out. Time to go review my pile of not-so-wondrous ideas.
|
Honestly I don't remember if I read your original post, but that was certainly a great apology. No matter how badly you might have come across previously, I definitely respect you for it, and any negative impressions I might have had are long gone.
Seabyrn: Thank you very much for your feedback! I really appreciate it and definitely value your opinion and the time you've taken to critique my item.
************************************************************************
Aura moderate divination and transmutation; CL 10th
Slot —; Price 26,600 gp; Weight 2 lbs.
Rumored to be an invention of the Mordant Spire elves, this strangely colored and irregularly spiraled conch shell is unnaturally light and hard as steel. Fitted at one end with a darkwood mouthpiece decorated with esoteric astrological carvings, the conch has three small holes drilled through one side and can be played like a horn or flute, creating eerie echoing notes.
As long as it remains in a character’s immediate possession, it grants the possessor a swim speed equal to half of their total land speed (rounded down to the nearest 5-foot increment) and the ability to breathe underwater via hidden closable gill flaps that open between their ribs. If they already have a swim speed, or are granted one by a separate spell or item, possessing the conch increases it by 50%. The possessor can also speak and understand Aklo and Aquan, and gains a +2 bonus to Charisma checks and Charisma-based skill checks regarding creatures with the aquatic subtype.
Twice per day as a standard action, by speaking the command word and blowing the conch like a horn, the possessor and all allied creatures within 20 feet gain a +3 natural armor bonus and damage reduction 5/bludgeoning, as abnormal chitinous barnacle-like growths with sharp-edged protrusions cover their entire bodies. Anyone striking a creature under this effect with a non-reach melee weapon, unarmed strike, or natural weapon takes 1d6 points of slashing damage. This effect lasts for 10 minutes.
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, beast shape II, tongues; Cost 13,300 gp
(Spoilered for space and convenience, so those reading don't have to hunt back for previous posts)
************************************************************************
Seabyrn, I'm glad that you had these issues with my item, as I believe many of them could be deal-breakers in the competition, and may just be plain bad design decisions. I may "fix" it for my home game (the players I GM for that critiqued the item for me really want one in-game, LOL), but since it belongs to Paizo now and it didn't pass muster this year I'll be taking different paths with any future design opportunities. I think that there are some easily avoidable pitfalls that I can steer clear of, thanks to reading these feedback posts (not just on my item, but on every item, those that made it and those that didn't alike).
I will answer the questions as they were asked / issues as they were brought up:
For what it's worth, I think your item was generally well written and clear. The description of the item and its effects was flavorful and interesting. A couple of things strike me as potential problems though.
I'm a little hesitant about the name. Why or how is the tide twisted?
First off, thank you for the compliment.
The name of the item was the first thing that I came up with, back in November before the competition even started.
I knew that I wanted to have a firm idea of what I would submit by 12/3/2010 so that I'd have some breathing room to refine the thing before entering the contest. I knew that I wanted it to be a conch shell and came up with the name Conch of the Twisted Tide, and the chitin armor ability (secondary power of the item), but figured that may not be enough for the competition (I remember in one of Clark's threads he stated that a good wondrous item usually has a lesser ability that is easy to use and a greater ability that has limits) and in order to be ultra-cool it should probably have some constant ability that helps its owner communicate with some aquatic denizens and explore below water (that was my gut instinct for a constant ability so I went with it).
I honestly can't explain why the "tide is twisted", but the idea that came to me had something to do with misshapen and mutated aquatic creatures that could have once been normal people or other land mammals (I had been reading too much Lovecraft of late, and caught an early morning showing of Dagon on Sy-Fy not long ago, so I think the whole "Sea-Calls-Back-Its-Own and transforms you" was forefront in my mind).
The descriptions of the item and its abilities (as submitted) were supposed to reinforce the item's name (at least that was the intention), as the shell is almost aberrant when compared to other, natural conchs (the original description began "This seemingly pseudonatural spiral shell" but I changed that because it was vague and I wasn't sure if it would be a stupid word to use, and decided to instead create a tangible description that I'd hoped would help make the item seem strange and unnatural), and it "twists" the gifts of the sea (the "tide") to the designs of the possessor and possibly the designs of those he now has more influence over, now that he has this item.
The reason the armor ability can be used twice per day is that my first thought was that it should be usable once per day for high tide and another time per day for low tide(keeping with the name's theme, if there is one). Originally, the description was that the armor ability could be used once during daytime and once during nighttime (each use coinciding with a tide), but I realized that if your GM has a world where the tides don't work the same as Golarion or Earth, or if GM decides to have an omen with nighttime lasting for an entire week, or if the PCs travel to another plane or planet, then the "Once during the daytime (for high tide) and once during the nighttime (for low tide)" won't work like intended, so that was simplified to 2 times per day (still as a nod to the 2 tides per day, high and low; but trading headaches and meaningless flavor for easy mechanics).
I'm not sure about the requirements (more qualified/knowledgeable people than me can help out there). Is beast shape II enough to get you water breathing, a swim speed, a bonus to Charisma checks, and barnacle armor for you and all allies in range? It seems like a stretch.
I was looking at existing wondrous items that either had a similar form or had abilities I wanted to either emulate (probably a bad idea) or revise (probably another bad idea). I also noticed that for wondrous (and other types of magic) items, sometimes the item will have a spell prerequisite, but that spell doesn't necessarily provide the same benefit as the item does, and for many wondrous items it seems that more spell requirements could (some may argue should) have been included, given the rules, but were left out for the sake of simplicity.
Using that logic I figured the item would need something transmutation and maybe something divination (or conjuration, wasn't sure) beast shape II definitely covers the swim speed, natural armor bonus, and ability to breathe water, and tongues covers being able to speak and understand 2 different languages (I omitted the written word as it seemed a complication I didn't want, and who writes down notes for things living underwater?), and I believed the beast shape II requirement justified the armor abilities of DR 5/bludgeoning and the sharp edges, and some similar items with the ability to speak a language also gave you a Charisma bonus and the only spell requirement for those types of items I could find was tongues (an existing item had a racial requirement but I wanted to avoid any non-spell requirements aside from Craft Wondrous Item).
Maybe adding stoneskin (the closest spell to the chitin armor's DR but w/o the bludgeoning weakness...), or keen edge and barkskin (closest spells for the armor ability's natural armor bonus and sharp edges), and either detect thoughts (would keep the aura simple at 2 schools of magic and could be justified for requirement for a Chutzpah, excuse me, Charisma bonus), charm monster (not a fan of this as it would add a 3rd school to item's aura but would definitely justify a Charisma bonus), or replacing tongues with elemental speech and then adding eagle's splendor or "creator must possess the aquatic subtype" for the Charisma bonus (i.e. a belt of dwarvenkind) may have been better. I assumed (yeah I know) that the prerequisites I had included would be enough for the item's abilities, and I may not be 100% wrong but I can see how I could have done better.
Does the barnacle armor work underwater? It's odd to think of a wind instrument being blown underwater. (the armor itself is a really cool effect though)
This was something that I wanted to address, but at the same time it was something I wanted to avoid with a long, sharp, pole. I may have had word count to spare to add "Since the item's possessor can breathe both air and water, the conch can be played like a horn or flute (including the action required to activate the secondary armor effect) equally well both on land and underwater." At the same time, I think my final decision was to leave it up to the GMs to decide (probably a bad decision).
The ties to Golarian may have worked against you - do Mordant Spire elves want to speak anything other than Azlanti? Why would Aklo and Aquan be conferred on the conch's owner if they invented it?
These are rumored to be the invention of Mordant Spire elves, and the rumor isn't presented as a verifiable fact (I figured a possibly false rumor about the item as flavor text may add to the mystery of it, and probably failed).
That said, many of the Mordant Spire elves' aquatic enemies probably speak Aklo, and the elemental water language is Aquan, both are good languages to have access to when exploring underwater especially if something big and nasty doesn't speak Elven or Azlanti, while having a Charismatic edge with aquatic creatures would be useful to most underwater explorers.
It feels a little bit like an underwater swiss army knife - it's useful in a lot of different ways, but I'm not sure how well they all derive from the concept so much as are being cobbled together into a concept, if that makes sense.
That makes perfect sense, and I think that's where I failed.
I probably could have made the conch as a wind instrument that does the armor thing and left well enough alone, or come up with some alternate items in case I got feedback that the that I thought would win was actually crap (I also realize that I should have asked for more feedback, and asked for feedback from someone who doesn't play Pathfinder or D&D to provide an outside perspective on the whole thing as a piece of writing and nothing else). I think that it could have possibly made it if I had refined the mechanics and left out most of the fluff.
Thanks you again very much for your feedback, very happy and grateful. :-)
I go to work for not even 2 hours I come back and there's 1000 posts beyond what I saw before leaving. Neil Spicer you sir are a machine. Thank you for posting feedback for my item (athame of the master). I looked more to the Mattock of the Titans as a guideline along with the Pearls of Power. Thank you for posting the feedback seriously you guys rock. Can't improve unless you try :)
Ablative Token*...This is pretty much DR 10/-- in a can. And a +2 deflection bonus to AC tacked on top. I'm a little surprised that it blocks everything...melee attacks, ranged attacks, energy damage? And the stoneskin spell seems like a strange requirement. Granted, it gives you DR 10/adamantine, but that's with the assumption an attack connects with your body. This device is going full on ablative to slow attacks before they connect. Maybe telekinesis might be a better requirement?
*...At any rate, great execution of the template. They've articulated everything really well. Not sure how innovative the concept or the mechanics are, but I'm not wowed by it. At least it's not overpowered with it only being useful 3 times/day and only against a single triggering attack. If anything, I'm a weak Keep on this one.
*...It's DR-in-a-can. Reject.
*...For 15k gp you may as well get +1 invulnerability armor and have DR/5 all the time. This doesn't really excite me, we have much better items in the keeper queue already. Reject.
Harsh, but quite fair. In my defense, it wasn't supposed to stop energy damage, and was intended more as a caster item, but the critique really outlined the major issue of my item: it lacked awesome. As for the spell req, I should have looked beyond the mechanical comparison and found a better thematic one, but even then, I played to mechanics instead of artistry, I won't make the same mistake again.
Thanks for the feedback, I greatly appreciate the hours you've spent just telling the rejects whats up. (The hours I've spent reading what you've posted gives me a hint of how much time that went into this). And honestly, by this point, reading my own review was almost redundant after the hundred some odd reviews before mine. Still, it helps with closure to see specifically where I went wrong and to know that it wasn't anything glaringly bad, just unglaringly not superstar enough.
Thanks again to the whole judging team!
agreed. an impressive and much-appreciated amount of work here.
==Aelryinth
ItemName Vial of Vanishing Smoke*Ninja smoke! Ha! Kinda quirky. It's one of those items you'd kind of expect to be a staple in the game or something. A scroll of dimension door would run you 700 gp alone. So, a 1,200 gp vial that enables that kind of movement with the added flare and obscuring mist is probably fine from a pricing standpoint.
*...The designer also did a great job following the template...except for the ItemName and that darn, nagging, annoying "Craft Wonderous Item" feat. SMASH! /rant
*...Core idea works though. It's a SIAC with flavor and flash (yeah, pun intended). Might be worth keeping around even if it gets sorted out before making Top 32. Weak Keep.
*...I like it too. It's rough around the edges (real rough) but like you say, so obvious I'm surprised it hasn't been done to death. Useful, cheap enough for low level PCs to use, no uber effects. Wonderous. Weak keep.
*...*shrug* I'm meh on it. I see your points, just not feeling strongly either way.
*...I'm gonna say that's worthy of going into the Keep pile then. Even if it gets weeded out, the author might take some hope and inspiration by claiming he at least made it that far in the evaluation.
*...I'll echo the initial "meh." We've all seen this many times, and I don't think that adding the dazzling effect and possible failure to land enough to make it more than just wondrous item ninja smoke. The author's obvious struggle with the template gives me further pause, as does the failure to capitalize any of the Saves. Weak reject but mostly because I'm too meh on the whole thing to commit to keeping it around.
*...I'll come off the fence and say...weak keep. It's a SIAC, but it has style. (Also... razzin frazzin move action-activated items!!!)
Note: This item hung around in the Keep pile until the very end, but you had too many missteps to make the Top 32. Practice your presentation and proper use of the template.
Thanks Neil, I was kind of curious as to what I had done wrong. I've been reading the other tips/reviews and I think I have a good handle on it for next time. I'll be working on my presentation between now and then, so hopefully, that will not hold me back next year! Thanks again! ^_^
*...Wow, this one's almost too creative for its own good. I love the concept, but it leaves too many questions up in the air. The first that I encountered was why Desna (CG) and ZK (LE)? They're polar opposites!
*...I believe the designer made that choice because they're polar opposites. His item is trying to explore good dreams (i.e., Desna) and evil nightmares (which he's apparently tied to Zon-Kuthon).
*...there are no game rules for the definition of a daydream or a nightmare, and it seems like an arbitrary decision on *someone's* part (maybe the GM, maybe the player?)
*...I was put off by that, too. I find it interesting that the designer chose to interpret good dreams as only daydreams. I don't know about you, but all my dreams at night aren't nightmares.
*...It then gives two effects that are named and treated almost like spells, neither of which is really worth the cost of the item.
*...Agree on that, too. The mechanic of the "per 2 CR of the source creature" bugs me. Cost-wise, would you really ever get DR 1/-? By the time you could buy this item, you'd only get that if you ran into a bunch of CR 2 creatures...which is unlikely unless the bearer of this item is just running around to find such creatures for a quick metagame boost.
*...Given that a PC isn't necessarily going to know whether it was a dream or a nightmare pulled into the siphon, it becomes almost a random effect item, in that the results of either inhaling or blowing the dream on others is left up in the air. Vote to Reject.
*...Not quite. At least, I didn't interpret it that way. I get the sense that the time of day decides...i.e., if you suck a "dream" out of someone it has to be during the day. It says the item can do this whether the target is awake or asleep. So, presumably, you always get a "daydream" during the day. At night on the other hand, it always comes up nightmare. At least, I assume what the author intended.
...
Thank you very much for the feedback judges. I really enjoyed reading this.
For anyone who might actually read my item and review other than me:
Yes, I deliberately included references to both Desna and Zon-Kuthon knowing that they are opposite in many regards. I'm glad one of the judges recognized that this was intentional however. I was trying to show a relationship between how Desna might be interested in positive, uplifting dreams, whereas Zon-Kuthon might be associated with horrific ones.
I named Zon-Kuthon's ability 'Benediction of the Midnight Monarch' because I was trying to strengthen the implication that they are opposites (as far as dreams go). 'Midnight Monarch' = 'Night Monarch'. Perhaps I was trying to be too clever. :)
I felt that I had to give the abilities names knowing that I would get called out for referring to a daydream or nightmare as an actual game term.
As far as the sleeping confusion goes, it was my intent that the target does not have to be asleep in order for the item to be able to extract a dream. If the target was awake, the siphon would capture a daydream. If the target was asleep, you would get a nightmare. No randomness here, but I can now clearly see how this is a flaw. Theoretically you could get a daydream at night and nightmare in the day if you were caught snoozing. Zing! Right over my head.
Anyway, thanks again. That was a blast.
Pixie Bead
Spoiler:I don't see this entry anywhere in the judges' forum...and I don't remember reviewing it. Did you submit this item or are you simply seeking feedback on something you didn't submit to the contest?Aura faint conjuration; CL 3rd
Slot -; Price 400 gp; Weight -
Description
This hollow wooden bead is carved in the image of a nutshell. When crushed, a standard action, a pinpoint of light emerges and moves immediately to any one invisible creature within 60 feet and circles the creature, moving with it for the duration of the effect. The presence of the light reveals the location of the creature to anyone able to see it by making a Perception check, base DC 10, but does not affect its concealment. This pinpoint of light provides no illumination, but sparkles brightly enough to be seen clearly from 60 feet in all light conditions except magical darkness, which hides the light. The light lasts for five rounds. If the targeted creature becomes visible or after five rounds have expired, the light dissipates.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, Summon Nature's Ally I, ground mica; Cost 200 gpThanks for taking the time.
Yes, I submitted this item to the contest. Admittedly, it is a small item in several regards. Perhaps it got lost in the shuffle?
Would you mind taking another look? I certainly value any feedback available.
Again, thank you so much for your time.
*...Wow, this one's almost too creative for its own good. I love the concept, but it leaves too many questions up in the air. The first that I encountered was why Desna (CG) and ZK (LE)? They're polar opposites!
*...I believe the designer made that choice because they're polar opposites. His item is trying to explore good dreams (i.e., Desna) and evil nightmares (which he's apparently tied to Zon-Kuthon).
*...there are no game rules for the definition of a daydream or a nightmare, and it seems like an arbitrary decision on *someone's* part (maybe the GM, maybe the player?)
*...I was put off by that, too. I find it interesting that the designer chose to interpret good dreams as only daydreams. I don't know about you, but all my dreams at night aren't nightmares.
*...It then gives two effects that are named and treated almost like spells, neither of which is really worth the cost of the item.
*...Agree on that, too. The mechanic of the "per 2 CR of the source creature" bugs me. Cost-wise, would you really ever get DR 1/-? By the time you could buy this item, you'd only get that if you ran into a bunch of CR 2 creatures...which is unlikely unless the bearer of this item is just running around to find such creatures for a quick metagame boost.
*...Given that a PC isn't necessarily going to know whether it was a dream or a nightmare pulled into the siphon, it becomes almost a random effect item, in that the results of either inhaling or blowing the dream on others is left up in the air. Vote to Reject.
*...Not quite. At least, I didn't interpret it that way. I get the sense that the time of day decides...i.e., if you suck a "dream" out of someone it has to be during the day. It says the item can do this whether the target is awake or asleep. So, presumably, you always get a "daydream" during the day. At night on the other hand, it always comes up nightmare. At least, I assume what the author intended.
...
Thank you very much for the feedback judges. I really enjoyed reading this.
For anyone who might actually read my item and review other than me:
Yes, I deliberately included references to both Desna and Zon-Kuthon knowing that they are opposite in many regards. I'm glad one of the judges recognized that this was intentional however. I was trying to show a relationship between how Desna might be interested in positive, uplifting dreams, whereas Zon-Kuthon might be associated with horrific ones.
I named Zon-Kuthon's ability 'Benediction of the Midnight Monarch' because I was trying to strengthen the implication that they are opposites (as far as dreams go). 'Midnight Monarch' = 'Night Monarch'. Perhaps I was trying to be too clever. :)
I felt that I had to give the abilities names because I knew I would get called out for referring to a daydream or a nightmare as an actual game term.
As far as the sleeping confusion goes, it was my intent that the target does not have to be asleep in order for the item to be able to extract a dream. If the target was awake, the siphon would capture a daydream. If the target was asleep, you would get a nightmare. No randomness here, but I can now clearly see how this is a design flaw. Theoretically you could get a daydream at night or a nightmare in the day if you were caught snoozing. Zing! Right over my head.
Anyway, thanks again. That was a blast.
[I hope this isn't a double post. There was a small glitch when I tried to post this.)
Thank you very much Neil,
you probably can't imagine what it ment to me to see that my item hit the keep folder for some time.
Sticking closer to the theme (in this case "alchemy") and ramping up my writing (I feared as much as a non native speaker) is what I will do next year.
Snake Charmer’s BlessingSome very nice and a lot of very helpful things.
Thankyou, Neil, for taking time to review my item. Yay!
That feedback really helps a lot and I fared better than I'd dared hope tbh. There are a lot of mistakes I will avoid next time around.At the time of composition it seemed to be a good idea to put in some flavour text. But after I had submitted, I started to have doubts about that decision... served me right, didn't it?
The other thing I realised too late was me staing too vague on the issue of size.
Anyway, I won't waste time being apologetic; I will just do better next year! :D
Gravity Nail of Nethys*...Not really a fan of making a GM stop in the middle of a combat and calculate everyone's encumbrance and the effect of double-weighted gear to determine their reduced speed. Both of the other abilities are just disintegrate and reverse gravity SIAC effects. Vote to Reject.
*...Don't mess with physics. Reject.
*...Agreed. Rejected.
Thank you Neil, and all the judges. Though I really, really want an item to control gravity...ah,well.
Maybe I'll try different concept next year.Again, thank you so much for your time.
Found my re-write, this was mocked up just before closing time after my original submission got eaten...
Wasn't wild on it, but there it is :P
Goblin Wolf Whistle
Aura faint Enchantment; CL 3rd
Slot Neck; Price 7200 gp; Weight 0.1 lbs.
Description
These items are typically carved from bone and suspended on a silver chain. When blown, a Goblin Wolf Whistle allows the user to interact with creatures of the Animal type within a 60’ range in the following ways:
Chirp: The user may use their Diplomacy skill with the Animal.
Shrill: The user may use their Intimidate skill on the Animal.
Bleat: Charm Animal once per day.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, Charm Animal, Speak with Animals; Cost 3600 gp
Goblin Wolf Whistle
*...Meh. Why not just say it grants wild empathy? Or a bonus to Handle Animal? It's not like the item gives you speak with animals for real (though it's in the construction requirements). If you could speak with them, then maybe Diplomacy and Intimidate could enter the picture. And that last ability is just a SIAC. Also, what does this item have to do with goblins? Vote to Reject.
*...Agreed. Reject.
Tome of Passages
*...Meh. They're trying to be creative and flavorful to glaze over the fact that it's just a detect secret doors and passwall SIAC. And that bit about inventing your own secret doors is just annoying for GMs to deal with...Vote to Reject.
*...The book stinks. Literally. And it makes adventuring easy. Reject.
Obi of the Hagfish
*...Eh. It's an okay item. Doesn't feel all that Superstar to me, but maybe the forced regurgitation in swallow whole situations is innovative? I don't know.
*...I didn't care for the reference to "Legends abound..." for other versions of the item. Or even all the references to Tian Xia, as the item itself doesn't really feel like it has a Tien "feel" to it.
*...Anyway, I'm on the fence with this one. Let's hear what the rest of you think. It's not blowing my socks off. And that could be a bad sign. But it's well-crafted and designed, from what I can tell...
*...This item assumes too much. Assumes Tian Xia isn't on the mainland (incorrect). Assumes what the Tien language is like. Assumes most monsters have a gag reflex. Assumes creatures have a "front." Item has unlimited uses for only 2500 gp. Reject.
*...Off the fence. There's enough wrong as cited that I'm not inclined to keep this one around. Vote to Reject.
Arcane Effigy
*...Even if they boiled this down to a single version without all the extra uses/day (how annoying!), I still wouldn't particularly care about this item. It's pretty much extending the "share spells" ability with familiars and animal companions to those who wear this thing...only it limits them to 4th and lower. Anyone see this as ground-breaking? Vote to Reject.
*...Agreed. Reject.
Hangman’s Friend
Aura moderate illusion and conjuration CL 7th
Slot belt Price 26,000 gp Weight 1 lbDESCRIPTION
This item appears to be a simple leather belt with a blackened iron clasp. It has belt holes punched its’ entire length. The belt must be worn for 24 hours, upon which it is attuned to the user and the command word becomes known. The belt can be applied to the neck of a living creature within one size of the user with a successful grapple action, and with a command word begins to strangle the target. A character with the sneak attack class ability can apply the belt with a successful sneak attack, dealing no damage but applying the belt. The target can only hold its’ breath for 1/4th the normal time. As soon as the belt is applied, a silence with a 5 foot radius is cast centered on the belt, which lasts until the belt is removed. The belt can only be released by the attuned user with a touch and the command word, which requires a swift action.
The belt can be damaged by the target or another creature, and releases if destroyed. The victim can break free with a DC 20 Strength check (which deals 1d12 damage to the belt, bypassing hardness and damage reduction) or a DC 20 Escape Artist check. The belt has AC 22, 12 hit points, hardness 10, and damage reduction 5/slashing. The belt repairs damage to itself at a rate of 1 hit point per 5 minutes, but is destroyed if severed (reduced to 0 hit points). The belt can be used at will.
CONSTRUCTION
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, black tentacles, bleed, silence, 13,000 gp
I don't see anything by this name in the judges' forums. Either you named it something else before submitting, or you failed to submit, or the item somehow got eaten by the Post Monster.
Pipe of Smoke and Flame
*..."fire ball" is not a spell.
*...This is really just a SAK.
*...DCs are really low for all abilities for an 80,000 gp item
*...The use time for this is wonky, as it says you need a full-round to pack and light it, but then it doesn't say how long it burns afterwards.
*...This one's simply trying to do too much. Reject.
*...Agreed. SIAC and a SAK for sure.
*...Pricing is off.
*...A failure in properly referencing a spell name in the template and the DCs are inappropriately low compared to the level at which a PC would have to be to acquire this item.
*...Vote to Reject.
Spine of the Forest
*...This is pretty much a suite of Monster-Abilities-in-a-Can...from a climbing movement rate to natural attacks with reach. The flavor and concept of the idea is okay. And this might be one of those items that (once properly tweaked) could find its way into a book of magic items. But, I'm not a fan of the variable skill bonus based on your Dex modifier. Or twice the bonus just because of a different terrain (i.e., forest).
*...I'm also confused by the number of limbs which can apparently support more than one creature? I thought this belt was worn by only one person? Or is the designer intimating that one person wearing the belt can carry another creature and the legs still support them? If so, it would probably have been smarter just to give a weight limitation and be done with it. And, I'd rather see a set number of spider legs than a variable amount based on Dex mod...because that means some PCs wouldn't be able to use the item at all. And, what happens if someone has a negative Dex modifier? Do they lose a limb? Hah! :-)
*...At any rate, it's a decent idea. Falls down on execution and mechanical choices. Good job on applying the template, but the writing needs some work in a few areas. Vote to Reject.
*...The variable number of legs thing is to explain how you use it with other-than-medium-size creatures. I think the designer erred by using spider imagery. Vines would have worked a lot better thematically.
*...I also don't like items that work differently based on the bonuses of the PCs, but in this case that's probably acceptable since the issue is using the item to do something (climb) rather than the item doing something itself.
*...I think this could be reworked into a strong contender for next year. Reject.
*...I agree.
*...Too many things based on the wearer's ability score modifier, which we don't do.
*...Rejected.
Phial of Purloined Persona
*...Not really a fan of using the creature's Knowledge checks and bonuses...or the 24 drops of blood as the mechanic for powering that kind of ability. Strip that away and this is just a flavorful way to get a bonus on Disguse checks (which should be capitalized, by the way) and a full emulation of a specific individual. And that's just not all that Superstar.
*...Good use of the blood biography spell in the construction requirements, though. Still, I'm going to vote to Reject.
*...Meh. Reject.