RPG Superstar 2010 Top 32
aka deemshy
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Prismwing, Larvae
Description: This pulsating, dog-sized larva uses its six legs to keep itself just out of reach from its prey. An impressive set of mandibles dominates its head, and stiff spines extend forward from its sand-covered thorax and abdomen.
The coloration of prismwing larvae ranges from pale yellow to dull reddish brown, and prismatic chips embedded in their skin occasionally glint in the light. Prismwing larvae prey upon all moving, land-bound creatures that enter their shores, burying their victim’s empty shells and skeletons far beneath the shifting beaches.
Powers and Abilities: Prismwing larvae can burrow unhindered through sandy soil. The larvae hibernate for up to two years, waiting underground until they sense the tremors of an approaching living being. The prismwing larvae trap quarry in the sands of their habitat with rhythmic vibrations from their bodies. Under the creatures' influence, the grains act as a thick liquid, clinging to victims and causing them to sink into the grit’s immobilizing embrace. Since the larvae cannot absorb solids, they break down their food from a distance by hurling balls of mud formed with their acidic secreted saliva. Once their prey is incapacitated and partially digested, they move in to suck up their meal. When they have eaten twice their weight, they build a cocoon of sand and silk several feet below the surface and begin their transformation.
What I really like about this is that it's a creature that screws with its terrain, in this case, turning sand into essentially quicksand. Cool. You don't see that often. It's also hard to make vermin type creatures interesting, and this does a pretty good job. I don't see any of its effect being necessarily supernatural, which I really dig in this instance.
That this isn't quite a standalone monster bugs me a little. (*BUGS* ME. HA! - I'm so sorry.) My first question about this is what the heck is a prismwing. Lets just hope the adult is as neat as its kids.
I'm seeing this as a little ankheg + the ground manipulation ability of a gibbering mouther.
I'm not sure why a creature that can't eat solids and can dissolve prey at a distance with acid needs an "impressive set of mandibles."
With 74 words to spare, we could have heard a little bit about the mature prismwing.
Initial Impression: Dog sized bug larvae. Hmm...
Concept (name, overall design choices, design niche, playability/usability, challenge): C+
Not really sure you found your target monster here. I don’t know what the adult bug does, but I have to imagine it’s more interesting than the larvae. That strikes me as a bad design choice for this contest. Basically, this is a funky ankheg (mud instead of acid). It waits underground and comes up and gets you, and sometimes spits mudballs at you. I don’t think this is particularly well done or unique. I don’t think you found a Superstar monster here.
Execution (quality of writing, hook, theme, organization, use of proper format, world neutral, quality of mandatory content—description, summary of powers): B
The writing is well done, but the content is pretty generic as mentioned above. I like the funky sand power. I like that the monster alters its environment. That is unique.
Tilt (did it grab me, do I want to use one in an adventure?): B-
Not sure why you picked the larvae and not the adult monster. Good thing for you I like ankhegs (and ankheg-like creatures such as this).
Overall: B-
The bug larvae isnt Superstar design.
Recommendation: I DO NOT recommend this creature advance.
I would love to know what a prismwing is and why it would lay its eggs on the beach. It sounds like it has the potential to actually be pretty cool whicxh, as said, with 79 words left, you probably should have gone into.
I hope I am allowed to post here. With that said, I immediately thought of the ankheg also. The quicksand idea is nice. I just would have liked it being attacked to a more unique creature.
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Contributor
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Star Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 9
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I could swear there's a real world insect that liquefies its prey and eats it that way. At any rate, this is an interesting monster with a cool way of capturing and killing its prey. As mentioned before, this is let down by lack of information about an adult prismwing. Also, I would like to have learned of its habitat up front.
Developer
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Dedicated Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 8
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Hmmmmmm....... well, I am undecided on this one. I give you props for trying to make larvae work. I'm just not quite sure if you did. Honestly I do like the powers...
Yeah, I do like this one. I like the hints at other creatures. I like the "nasty surprise" aspect of them. I like the adventure hook: "Go kill the prismwings. And watch out for the larvae!" This is one of the first I've seen, so I'm not sure if it's got my vote, but I'll check back.
One thing that I think would have improved your entry is a bit about how the larvae interact with (or relate to) the adult prismwings. That would have allowed you to give us some more insight about how these nasties are used, without, I think, giving too much away about the prismwings. (Which I believe would have been against the rules.)
Contributor, RPG Superstar 2008 Top 4, Legendary Games
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If you're gonna tell us this monster is a larval form of another monster, you gotta tell us at least SOMETHING about the adult monster so we have some concept of the relation between them. True, you can have caterpillar Mothra and moth Mothra with wildly different stats, but to give a good sense of what THIS monster is when you're positing it as part of a set, it's hard for me to get enthused about it when I don't know what it's a set OF.
I wondered if you were going for some kind of prismatic effect, or reflective crystal wings that did scintillating colors or spell turning like a flail snail's shell or something... and in the end I was reading a burrowing bug that spits mudballs. As Seinfeld would say, "not that there's anything WRONG with that." Just didn't excite me.
Overall: nothing wrong with it, but a disconnected piece of a set (especially when the other piece sounds much more interesting than this one) isn't going to grab the brass ring
Hey there, great job on presenting a quite creepy image with your Prismwing Larva. It seems like a low CR challenge that's very different from your typical goblin or kobold, a really good thing IMO. At the same time, it does feel like a prelude for the true monster-you have me and all the rest of us wondering just how scary an adult version would be!
As for the monster that's here, the combination of abilities is pretty solid. Ranged attack + ability to hinder a foe's movement is quite nasty, so long as the glints of their wings don't give them away. Do they have a racial penalty to Hide? That could be interesting.
You've done a good job of making a fun monster, I hope you progress in future rounds so we can have a chance to see what an adult prismwing is like! Good luck Alex!
I agree with the letdown of larvae only. I wish we at least had a hint as to what the adult prismwing was like, and you have a bit of word count to throw in that direction. And the actual larva wasn't that exciting. It's got a pit, and some acid-y spit. Sounds like an ankheg stapled to a giant antlion to me.
I just realized something about this prismwing larva. It's a larva, so it doesn't have wings! It lacks the titular prism wings!
Basically the only thing that stands out in a positive for me for this is that it lives on beaches. Not many beach dwelling monsters, so that was a nice change of pace. But that alone does not sell this monster to me, so I'm afraid you don't have my vote.
The description leaves out too many things to make the concept work. I'm afraid it's as simple as that.
I like this creature, but from viewing the previous posts, I seem to be in the minority. Since you can't comment on your own submission, please allow me to rebut a few of the objections for you...
1) Only mentioning the larva: the rules for this round were to submit ONE monster. The adults have wings (obvious from it's name), the young do not. Wings imply flight. It's a simple assumption to say that adult's abilities are so different from it's young that it should probably be listed as a separate entry. Adults with wildly different abilities than their young are common in nature, especially among insects (see: mosquito)
2) It has mandibles: Again, in nature, creatures commonly possess weapons not directly related to their ability to eat. (see: rhinoceros)
3) You chose larva: I feel this shows both guts and creativity on your part. You took the path less traveled and picked a juvenile creature. Of all the monsters already published, only dragon young seem to have been statted. I've long had the opinion that there should be MORE entries on young monsters. Furthermore, I think choosing a monster's young is a good idea, since if the PC's don't take care of them now, they will only come back bigger and badder than before.
Furthermore, you have a cool landmine-like sand ability, and show you gave some thought to the ecology.
Perhaps I have a soft spot for you here, because of the entry I might have submitted if I had advanced. I had guessed that this year would be a creature, not a villain. The only difference between your submission and mine might have been that mine was a young version of an already statted monster (with different, yet related abilities). Yet, I think it's more than that. I think you have a good creature, regardless of what my almost-ran was. You showed creativity in both the creature and the ability of the creature.
GOOD JOB, and I hope you advance.
Prismwing, Larvae
cut for space
This is the sixth monster that I am looking at. I do not read the comments below the entry before posting my opinion. An apology if this is duplicative of someone else’s entry, in part or whole.
This is a curious creature. It’s implied that it lives on beaches, or perhaps just in sandy areas. One gets the impression it’s modeled on a real-life larva of some sort. However, dog-sized pulsating, glittering creatures on the beach seems a little more odd than horrific. It hides its victims remains. Okay.
Powers:
*burrowing – yep, another one
*lurks and waits for victims (I like that it’s a sand critter, which is easier to understand; however, what about the fact that birds and small animals might frequent a beach. Does it have a weight sensor?)
*immobilize victims with sand (cool – I like that, even if the justification seems a tad wonky or too much involving physics)
*hurl acid-infused balls of mud (wait, I thought they lived on the beach; the ability seems okay)
*digest the victim later (“What’s for lunch?” “Adventurer.” “What, again?”
Summary: This is the Trapper Keeper of monsters. It gets you into a tight spot and spits on you. What do they transform into though? That is never stated in the description anywhere. Presumable, a prismwing, whatever that is. I’m not sure it’s a good idea for purposes of the contest to suggest a second monster within the first. Maybe it is. Maybe it’s a swing for the fence that works. This one seems okay to me, however it just doesn’t sing out as “really different, scary and/or interesting”. I think if it is based upon a real insect larvae that it could benefit from going a bit more gonzo with it.
The "soften earth and stone" ability is cool, but I don't think the monster itself came off the way you envisioned it. It was a hard description for me to read. You started mentioning "dog-sized" and six legs in conjunction with larva, and I just got a confused image. Try not to mention another animal when describing something it looks nothing like. That's just my preference of course.
I thought it could have used a couple more drafts before posting it. You're writing is good, but you just needed to re-organize it a little.
Finally, the glaring problem:
Is there a Prismwing written up somewhere that I can relate this to? If there is, was that acceptable to link to an existing monster? If there isn't shouldn't we have seen the full monster write up? This seems like half a monster.
I haven't voted yet, but I'm not sure this one will get near the top.
Ken
I like the quicksand attack! I think its correctly sized to menace humanoids, but its got some flaws
"larva uses its six legs to keep itself just out of reach from its prey." This should have been worded that it uses its legs to dig.
"Prismwing larvae prey upon all moving, land-bound creatures that enter their shores ... beaches." Is there that many creatures along the beach that can support a 2-3 foot larva. Should have included a primary prey. What happens when the creatures move into water or more inland?
"The larvae hibernate for up to two years" Larvae are the consuming stage, hibernating goes against that.
"they break down their food from a distance by hurling balls of mud formed with their acidic secreted saliva." Design flaw, whats the purpose of creating quick sand then? This attack should be a sticky spittle that ensnares or paralyzes its target, which then allows the larvae to dig over and use it quick sand attack. The spit attack is also missing the how. Does it raise up out of the sand, or does it dig and snipe?
"Once their prey is incapacitated and partially digested, they move in to suck up their meal." could have cut out the "partially digested" and added a flesh-dissolving necrotic bite
"they build a cocoon of sand and silk" blah dont like the silk cocoon, could have just buried itself as part of the pupae form. Im also not sure why a prismwing would choose a shore line.
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Director of Brand Strategy
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I really like the quicksand power, and think the liquefying prey thing is neat as well. But I don't see how they fit with the description of prismatic, scintillating insects. If they had a different description or different powers the two might mesh better. I also have to echo the disappointment at not seeing an adult variation of the prismwing. Perhaps the different life cycle stages is a way to include these powers along with others that fit the description better; ie. larvae can't handle solid food, so they liquefy it and hunt by asphyxiating prey in quicksand since they lack the strength to kill with force. Then, as adults, they grow the prismatic wings and have different abilities, hopefully some involving prismatic effects or hypnotism. Also, maybe something involving converting the sand to prismatic glass to justify their coastal habitat and tie it to their ecology.
In all, I think it's a good seed of an idea, but it seems to be missing some vital information and has some internal consistencies that distract from its good qualities.
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RPG Superstar 2010 Top 32
aka deemshy
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Thank you for all of your building and inspiring feedback! I love this community.
Thank you for your support and please vote for my creature!
If you have questions, I'll be happy to answer them once voting for this round is closed (not answering is harder than I thought).
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Contributor, RPG Superstar 2008 Top 4, Legendary Games
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Thank you for all of your building and inspiring feedback! I love this community.
Thank you for your support and please vote for my creature!
If you have questions, I'll be happy to answer them once voting for this round is closed (not answering is harder than I thought).
Ain't THAT the truth!
This creature is great. It takes advantage of the thixotropic properties of sand to drop its victim waist deep into sand, pops up to the surface, covers it in acid, and then eats it. Heavier victims will sink faster. The victim doesn't know what is going on until it is sunk into the sand and the larvae comes up. That sounds awful for adventurers that might think that they just stumbled into a patch of quicksand, and react by trying to stay still to avoid going deeper. The surprise of seeing the larvae come up should add to the experience, especially if they feed in groups. This monster will be a lot of fun to encounter.
This monster has my vote.
This monster will be a lot of fun to encounter.
:) I'm glad I don't campaign with you as GM!!! You have a much different idea of what "a lot of fun" is... Yikes!! *grin
I've never had an adventure on a beach nor had my PCs spend much time on them. As a result, the appeal of this monster is pretty limited for me.
I'm glad you're getting some votes, though. Good luck.
Its not an ankheg but an antlion. Even antlions are closely related to the lacewings (which is possibly where it gets its name). This bug seems very closely inspired to these real-world critters.
Contributor, RPG Superstar 2010 Top 16
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Originality: Is this creature a unique creation? Does it fill a unique niche in the game?
Mojo/ spirit: Do I want to see your creature in my game?
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I think the point of not revealing the adult prismwing is to create dramatic attention--and it works! Everyone's saying they want to know more about the adult. So vote for the monster and let the author write a module full of prismwings!
But really, they're obviously different enough creatures that the author would run the risk of describing two monsters if he said more. Sure, he could have called it a Beach Bug, but that's just not the same.
What I like about this monster, as opposed to some others, is its environment and abilities make sense. It doesn't feel like several unassociated abilities put together on a monster chassis. It feels like a believable creature that could exist in a fantasy world. It brings enough threat to the encounter to be scary. Okay, it may only show up once in a campaign, but that's true for most monsters, isn't it?
I also like that it's a reasonable low level encounter. There aren't enough of those kinds of monsters, if you ask me.
Praise:
I can't see any major issues. It sounds like a complex combat, and this thing would mess up an unwary party. There's a reason to come into conflict with them - they are invasive and violent. There's some good setup here. The abilities are pretty neat - sand trap, acid mud shot, not too much going on, but interesting. Some people might disagree, but I think most creatures should have at most 2 core abilities, and 1 secondary ability. This does not include movement(jet) or utility(plane shift). A lot of this year's entries try to load up on heavy combat tactics, and I like that you've kept it simple.
Concerns:
The overall description is a little bland for me. It is missing something, but I can't put my finger on it. My biggest problem, though, is that this only seems like half of a creature. Unfortunately, in this instance the format of this contest is your biggest enemy, . The real creature seems like it would be the Prismwing, but we can only speculate on what that might be like. Without that, this is a member of an incomplete series, and that doesn't sit will with me.
Overall:
An interesting creature, I don't see a ton of missteps. Quite a few entries are unflawed this year, just as is expected. However, that you leave it to speculation just irks me. I feel this works against you for two reasons:
1)The entry feels very incomplete, like a 3 chapter novella with 2 chapters missing.
2)To me, it seems like you're trying to get votes on the idea that people will try to see what you can do in later rounds, and maybe reveal the Prismwing if you get a chance. This is not a popularity contest, this is sheerly based on talent and a writer's skillset.
I felt your item was very simple and useful, and would definitely put it to good use. I am not sure whether it's merit outweighs this round, as this monster is just not astonishing.
Interesting concept, maybe, but I just can't see this as a primary monster. The word "larvae" alone tells me secondary to the adult form. I think it would have been better presented that way as well; give us the adult form concept, and then close with the larvae.
I don't think having a larval creature should make one think, "oh this isn't a real monster". Young monsters can be a nice way to have players encounter different versions of monsters. Just look at the alternative route DnD4.0 took where they just slapped descriptors on the end: Anthrorob Brute, Anthrorob Skulk, Anthrorob Sulk...that is a far less interesting way then to introduce a whole life cycle of beasties.
Here is another thought: What if Prismwings are large, relatively harmless giant insects. Players see them and say "oooh pretty"...and then find their young being total threats..."UH OH!". That would be a twist.
The name of the beast is evocative and gets my mind working on the possibilities. The attacks sound interesting too. I like the idea of the coccoon/pod thing as well. It could be an incentive to start digging if their were value in the item (rare prismwing silk for example).
The mandibles aren't a problem as long as it is clear if they help it dig or vibrate the sand.
Insects! Yay! I like it.
anthrorob
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RPG Superstar 2010 Top 32
aka deemshy
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I am amazed at how carefully you all read not only my entry but each other's posts. Given that there are over 1000 posts on the creatures, many of you are giving up hours to give feedback to new writers.
I am really impressed by the quality and thoughtfulness of many responses.
Again, thank you.
Prismwing, Larvae
I like the basic idea and concept of this monster, while not being really new it's still something different that sets it apart from most other monsters.
But I also that first being half buried and then being killed by a small insect that throws disgusting balls of Sand and digestive fluid at your face while you desperately try to wriggle free not makes for a memorable but very frustrating encounter.creativity/Innovation.
you heavily lend on real world hunting tactics and well known monsters ( already named: the Ankhek) with your larvae. And that you refer to a "Prismwing" that nobody knows about gives your entry an air of incompleteness. But otherwise it is fairly creative that your monster uses it's environment to it's advantage and its powers and behavior fit together quite naturally, so thats a plus. One can easily imagine these beasties in every world ( also because some quite similar things already exist).
Tilt:
A larva that sleeps under the sand until something that it can eat comes along. This is useful for a random encounter. nothing more, nothing less. And it could become a quite frustrating one too. I'm neither excited nor grabbed.
I'm not considering this for a vote.
This thing gives me the jibblies. I mean giant larva and liquid dinners *jibblie*. So I like it, but what does it turn into. Was your intention to have two critters and you realized the larvae was cooler(or ickier)? My uncritical eye likes it so far, and I would probably find it easy to use in a game. I'd be interested in a statblock for this and an adult version if you get around to it.
I really liked this entry. I will definitely vote for this one. I believe the writer is very skilled in his writing capabilities. What a great imagination! I would not want to encounter this monster. I feel the creator was following the rules set forth in the game. Mentioning an adult version of this creature may have disqualified him in some way. Give him credit for obeying the rules. Please keep writing. I hope you continue into the next round as I feel that your future entries will prove to be most interesting and creative. Good Luck! Hope many people vote for your entry.
Dedicated Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8
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How did the author respond to the challenge? Good balance of fact and description. It seems oddly indirect about what sort of terrain they inhabit.
How does it stack up
- as an opponent? Creating quicksand, effectively, is an interesting ability with some real-world parallels. The creature might spend a large part of the combat out of sight underground, which seems frustrating.
- as something other than an opponent? This only really describes one stage of its life cycle, of which PCs will never see the two years it spends hibernating underground.
- in relation to other monsters? As non-magical vermin go, this is visually interesting (though PCs may not see much of it due to its habits). edit: I hadn't realised Pathfinder already had a Monstrous Ant Lion. That makes it not so original.
- in relation to the author's item? Also sparkly and low-level.
- in itself? Some attractive turns of phrase.
It has some problems with organisation and I think needed more kick for this round. At times it seems inwardly focused on points that read well, but don't contribute much to using it in a game.
But what does it do with them, if it can only consume liquids? Hmm.An impressive set of mandibles dominates its head
I doubt it's killing its prey with harsh language.
-Ben.
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This is an intersting monster concept. I like the effect on terrain and the way it controls it's victims. Then moves in for the kill and hides the remains in the sand.
Only thing that bothered me was the prism bits imbedded in the creature. It just...bothered me....
As far as the mandibles, I see it as that's just the attack/defense mechanism that natural selection decreed as working.
I really like this one, and it's lower level, always a plus. I am fine with the idea the adult version was not detailed as this stands on it's own in my mind. Who knows, maybe the adult is perfectly harmless. Or trainable as flying mounts. I see a lot of ideas growing from this thing.
Got my vote.
This appears to be the beach version of ankheg or antlions (the latter of which are also the larval form of a flying creature). I'm not sure why these don't use their mandibles in a fight to grab their opponents and drag them deeper into the sand. Without mandibles, the shooting of the mudballs - and the need to keep prey at a distance - makes more sense. I like the way they control their environment and I can easily see them trapping someone in the sand and then popping up out of reach to hit the prey with the mudballs.
Like many people, I'm more interested in the prismwing part of this monster. I can already imagine nearby villagers watching from a safe distance as mature prismwings burst from the sand in a dazzling display of the colors their name suggests. And being thankful the transformation is complete so they can visit the beach again. :)
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RPG Superstar 2008 Top 32, 2011 Top 16
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Star Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka JoelF847
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I don't want to belabor the points already made, but the most interesting part of this description is that it's a larva and transforms into an adult (presumably into a prismwing), but we don't hear anything about that. On top of that, it's not bringing much new to the table - as Sean says, it's just taking a monster and giving it another monster's ability.
Finally, I'm not quite sure how it "uses its six legs to keep itself just out of reach from its prey". Does it run away from them fast because it has 6 legs? Are they really long legs that keeps it out of reach of foes on the ground? No, it burrows and hides under the sand. How exactly is that it's legs keeping it away? I think it's more like it's burrowing mandibles keep it away. Anyway, my point is that this phrase is confusing and doesn't add anything to the description.
Does it grab me visually: “Dog-sized larva” gives me the creeps (although it does bring up the question, what type of dog). I like the idea of the sands starting to churn as the PCs enter its area.
Would I use it in game: If I had some information on adult prismwings, yes. As it stands, it would be an interesting encounter, but I think the real meat of this monster would be seeing what the adult version does.
Would my players enjoy an encounter with it: Yes. Especially after the battle where they dig up other bodies that had been attacked by the prismwing.
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RPG Superstar 2009 Top 32
aka flash_cxxi
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hmmm... I may be echoing sentiments already said but the Larvae just doesn't grab me visually (although it does have some interesting abilities). I would much rather hear of the Mature Prismwing, even if it was simply using the remaining word count to do so.
It's an OK monster as is but I'm afraid it isn't in my Keep pile. Sorry but Good Luck anyway. :)
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RPG Superstar 2009 Top 32
aka flash_cxxi
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Ain't THAT the truth!Thank you for all of your building and inspiring feedback! I love this community.
Thank you for your support and please vote for my creature!
If you have questions, I'll be happy to answer them once voting for this round is closed (not answering is harder than I thought).
+1 (or should that be +2?)
:)
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RPG Superstar 2010 Top 32
aka deemshy
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Thank you all for your comments.
This contest has inspired me, and I really enjoyed being a part of it.
To answer some questions:
Special mention to Jason Rice: I don't know you, but you defended me so well. You basically stated everything I would have.
To all of you, I had mention of the adult in my original write up. After re-reading the rules, I really didn't want to get disqualified so I took it out. Instead, I tried to leave it a mystery. I was hoping that it would cause people to think about it and be intrigued, but that completely back-fired. :(
I agree with you all that I should have made a standalone monster.
Yes, this is a random encounter monster only. It could also be a farming relationship, but that was not its original design. Perhaps that was a weakness for this contest.
Someone mentioned that a larva would not hibernate for a long time. However, this concept was taken directly from our world and real insects that live here.
Charles, I pictured sandy/ desert isles. Many insect larvae do weave this exact type of cocoon. They are big enough that silk farming could be a community supporter. Once a community knew about them, they wouldn't be too dangerous.
I made a huge mistake with the Bonus Bestiary. I had not read it until someone mentioned it above. They do the antlion there. When I read the post above, I was like “NO WAY!” My monster is based on many antlion traits, and if I had known about that, I would not have entered this.
Originally, like the actual antlion of our world, I pictured the adult as a peaceful, nectar drinking beautiful creature. However, I left that open because I thought they might ask us to create a thematically linked creature. If that had happened, then I would have created a monstrous adult.
I learned a lot about writing, and a lot about myself.
I am extremely busy with a large family and teaching during the school year. It was hard to get even a few hours of time in the three days allowed for this section of the contest. I was hoping to win and really crank on this during the summer when I have a lot more time.
I also learned that I simply don’t have time to read through stacks of supplementary material. It seemed that many of you are well versed and well read on other ideas that have been presented before. That would definitely be a strength in this contest.
Hope that answers your questions.
Again, thank you all for your investment of time and all your feedback.