If I was in the Top 32 I would submit....

[Dennis Baker]

It's kind of cool to see what kind of creations you guys come up with. I'm probably not gonna post much but this is fun now that mine is done. Someone commented about coming up with a creature here which might compare to contestants. Personally I'm not worried about and there are thousands of creatures out there in the published and OGL universe, a few more posted here won't hurt. If the judges mind I'm sure the thread will be locked before too long ;)

*pulls up a chair and gets out the popcorn*

*stands back up and passes out "Vote for Ogre" pins to everyone*

[Dennis Baker]

It's kind of cool to see what kind of creations you guys come up with. I'm probably not gonna post much but this is fun now that mine is done. Someone commented about coming up with a creature here which might compare to contestants. Personally I'm not worried about and there are thousands of creatures out there in the published and OGL universe, a few more posted here won't hurt. If the judges mind I'm sure the thread will be locked before too long ;)

*pulls up a chair and gets out the popcorn*

*stands back up and passes out "Vote for Ogre" pins to everyone*

[Sean McGowan]

Curaigh wrote:

James Martin wrote:

Hmmm. I posted my actual monster, but would it be alright if I posted the one I didn't go with? (I had it down to two and my gaming group voted the other one in. With some pretty good reasons, I thought.)

I would love to say yes but, this could be dangerous if it has any similarities to your entry (even just the author's voice). If so it could be construed as 'additional material' Wait a week. You can either post when you are done working on round 3 or when you are done with round 3. :) You too Bill Dodds, though if everyone got round 2 done your alternate can come in sooner.

I will comment on each as a few more get posted, but in general I think bonefiddler, chitterwolf, mnemonic ooze and even the haystack are creative monsters. That is the first quality I will vote on in the top 32 O:)

I'm gonna concur with Curaigh here. I'm in the same boat, I have two extra critters that I crave mass feedback on, but even if it were allowed (which I'm not at all sure it would be) I'd be uncomfortable with it if there was even the slightest hint of someone saying in my monster thread, 'Well, I wouldn't vote for him based on THIS, but given some of the other ideas he's had...'. I figure I'll wait till I'm out of the contest before I post anything additional.

[Steven Helt]

Alright. I submitted late, but I didn't starttyping until really late, and then had to put the kids to bed. But for my need to hit the hay, I would have found a way to cut 7 words and improve the name, but I kind of want to see him in a movie now. Thoughts?

Leviadon

Description: The remote places of the world hide mighty, antediluvian monsters – the progenitors of beasts that, eons later, are themselves the stuff of legends. Such is the ancient wonder known to precious few sages as the leviadon.
A leviadon resembles a prehistoric tortoise of mythic proportions. Protruding from the monster’s goliath shell are powerful, reptilian legs and a thick, deadly tail. The most dramatic physical features of the leviadon, however, are its three distinct, menacing heads, each with a unique beak or jagged maw. The muscular, serpentine necks that protrude from the shell are covered in multicolored scales.
In their prime, Leviadons were proud creations of primordial gods. They may have been masterpieces of natural beauty or potent weapons in titanic wars, where truly magnificent forces fought epic battles or guarded secret places of power. As timeless servants of a diverse group of deities, leviadons are not restricted to an alignment and have no shared culture other than the tendency to guard a special place and hoard whatever it considers to be valuable.
Leviadons sleep away entire centuries, and only fragmented documents or oral traditions offer clues as to where one might be found.

Powers and Abilities: The leviadon makes for a high-level encounter and features a number of powerful special abilities. Being a primordial dragon, the beast enjoys all of the features and rules consistent with the dragon type. Leviadons are self-aware, magical beasts that bear a close tie to the forces of creation. They resist negative energy and death effects, and have limited spell resistance. Each leviadon possesses a unique configuration of three breath weapons, and is protected by both natural regeneration and a diamond-hard carapace. They communicate telepathically, each head with its own perspective and demeanor. Leviadons make use of a few powerful spell-like abilities like greater shout or transmute rock to mud.

[Benjamin Bruck]

Fortunately (or Unfortunately?) for me, I only came up with one solid idea, so I've nothing to post on here myself. I can just imagine how tough it would be to have a monster burning a hole in your pocket, just wishing you could get some kind of feedback.

[Steven Helt]

Azmahel wrote:

Bonefiddler

My feedback is that the bonefiddler seems like a single bad guy you might find in a canned adventure. He is intriguing and macabre, which is great. But he is not something you'd encounter more than once in an entire campaign. Does that make him not Superstar? I dunno.

I forgot to copy it, but you have a long sentence where I think you mean to ad the word "or". Is that sentence a list of options the fiddler has with his ability to make skeletons dance?

To tighten the theme, I would prefer to see irresistable dance or crushing despair listed by name as spell-like abilities. Did crushing despair make it to Pathfinder?

[Steven Helt]

Needs More Zasz wrote:

chitterwolf

I'd like to see the name chitterwolf directly connected to some noise the animal is famous for making. Maybe linking its summon other chiterwolves ability to the moniker?

Appearance reminds me of the wolf spider, but that might be a little obscure. Does your monster have a penchant for the rod of seven parts?

Fair writing. I would have liked a little more color n the prose (these things sound maniacal, I think another try and you could make someone afraid of the dark for fear of chitering wolves), and I'd like a little more mechanical meat in the Powers section, but that might be just me.

[Azmahel]

[Thanks for all the feedback, glad you all liked the flair.

In to the questions:
yeah the long sentence bugged me, and the or's would have helped. But I had grappled word count for so long, I didn't realize I had words left in the end to lighten up that monster of a sentence. ( yeah, I list the 3 or 4 options he has using his music)

Sure, go ahead and stat him up, I will likely do the same ( he dances about in my head, driving me crazy). The CR I had in mind would be at least 8, possibly going up to 12 along the way, but I'm no expert in monster design and applying CRs so I could be wrong.
If you do so, I would love to see what you have come up with.

I avoided listing specific SLAs becuase this was just about flavor and not about rules.
Crushing despair, hideous laughter, confusion, soundburst, shout, irresistible dance, hypnotism, ...
all come to mind. we'll see in round 3 when it will likely be all about stats :)

Feedback from the judges would be super-double-incredi-awesome sauce.
But right now they will be judging to not-non-contestants.
But maybe we'll get the chance after the weekend.

To the language issues I might reiterate that I'm not a native speaker, and if I was a real contestants I would have at least found all the errors Charles pointed out in an extra Round of proofreading. But that would be a lame excuse.
Note to my self: Improve proofreading.

[Anthony Adam]

Here's mine as promised :)

Enjoy.

Davy's Sailor:

Davy's Sailor
Description: Spirits of dead sailors, partially translucent in appearance, their bodies shimmer and eddy like the flow of waves on the shore. Their form is devoid of all colour bar varying shades of blue, surrounded by a nimbus of suffused light allowing them to navigate their way in the darkest depths of the sea.
They have answered the call of Davy Jones to become caretakers of the sea and custodians of lost souls. Wandering the sea beds searching for new souls, they often find sunken vessels. Calling to their brethren they search for lost souls. When sufficient spirits have gathered at the wreck, they portage the vessel to the fabled ship’s graveyard.
Powers and Abilities: They cannot exist on dry land but can venture onto anything that floats on the open sea: raft, boat, giant turtles back as examples. They can sense a dying sailor within one mile and will rush there to guide the sailor. They speak for Davy to the spirits of dead sailors they find, calling them to his service.
They protect bodies delivered to the sea to their death. Their first defence is their cry, which can cause sudden exhalation due to shock, when underwater this is not a good thing. Their physical attack is as deadly: their bodies will surround and engulf their target, stretching as necessary. Once engulfed, the target simply begins to drown and is subject to sharing any attacks made against the Davy Sailor.
All of Davy's Sailors will know where Davy is at any time. They have sonar like hearing, able to hear each others call up five miles away and should Davy call, they hear him over any distance.

[Tom Phillips]

Azmahel wrote:

When a jester is killed for nothing but an ill received pun, he may rise as a bonefiddler, an undead mockery of the fool he once was.

What a great, evocative line. I can see some very cool adventure plotlines springing off of this.

[Tom Phillips]

Charles Evans 25 wrote:

It often emits an enticing smell of freshly mown grass.

LOL! Yep, when my wife sprinkles some fresh cut grass clippings around the bedroom I know it's Show Time! ;-)

[Tom Phillips]

Needs More Zasz wrote:

This, then, would have been my attempt:

** spoiler omitted **

A chitterwolf! What a great name! I would definitely throw a pack of these spider-wolf-horrors against my players. Very nice.

[Needs More Zasz]

Charles Evans 25 wrote:

1) You raise spider imagery so I instinctively went looking for mention of webs, but could not find any. Do chitterwolves have web spinning capacity? Or given that they can dig (as some spiders do, I think instead of spinnin webs) do they at least have poisonous fangs?

2) Given that they can dig, and work in packs, do they ever employ tactics where one group dig holes and wait in ambush, whilst another group drives victims towards the ambush site?

Nope, no webs and no poison. They seem like spiderish creatures but aren't really. I wanted the chitterwolves to swarm out in a pack, grapple an opponent through sheer weight and tear them apart. I did note that they do use pack tactics, so something like what you suggested would be completely in keeping with the spirit of the creature.

zylphryx wrote:

mutant chihuahuas ... not terrifying on their own, but get enough together and you'll be hating life.

Can they actually burrow through solid stone? Or did you mean rocky soil? If it is solid stone, that could be a nasty infestation for a castle or keep ...

Though they are larger than chihuahuas, that's exactly the idea I was going for. Of course they can burrow through stone, albeit at a much slower rate. How else would they burrow inside caves and underground tunnels. Though they dislike bright light, it would certainly make night time interesting in a keep.

Benjamin Bruck wrote:

I have to ask, was this at all inspired by the real life Wolf Spider? Because that's the first thing I thought of when I read this entry, that it was a literal wolf spider!

The image of a creepy, hairless dog-thing with a bunch of extra legs is also pretty darn interesting. While I'm pretty ambivalent about most animal mash-ups, I think this one works.

Thanks! It isn't inspired by the Wolf Spider. I had thought of a group of large meat eating spiders swarming out in packs and tearing groups apart. The pack tactics inspired the wolf part. Though I wanted it to look like a weird aberrant spider/wolf thing, I wanted it to have its own flavor.

Steven T. Helt wrote:

I'd like to see the name chitterwolf directly connected to some noise the animal is famous for making. Maybe linking its summon other chiterwolves ability to the moniker?

Appearance reminds me of the wolf spider, but that might be a little obscure. Does your monster have a penchant for the rod of seven parts?

Fair writing. I would have liked a little more color n the prose (these things sound maniacal, I think another try and you could make someone afraid of the dark for fear of chitering wolves), and I'd like a little more mechanical meat in the Powers section, but that might be just me.

Never read the Rod of Seven Parts. This one was all me. I completely agree that their summoning howl should be directly related to chittering, certainly makes them seem more creepy/menacing. I've already had a friend who wants me to stat this up for use against his players as they sort through some old ruins.

Tom Phillips wrote:

A chitterwolf! What a great name! I would definitely throw a pack of these spider-wolf-horrors against my players. Very nice.

Thanks! Feel free to use them to tear apart a party member or two.

[Needs More Zasz]

Azmahel wrote:

And now to a more serious attempt:

Bonefiddler
** spoiler omitted **

Undead are my favorite! I think to keep this from being a one-shot pony, you would have done better to make it a returned spirit of an angry bard who died because his performance sucked instead of limiting it to just a jester. I would imagine that a lot of jesters are bards if they have class levels anyway. And if their "fiddle" could be any instrument, it would also go a long way to making it more mainstream.

This feels like more of a minion-type undead than a master-type, like you would encounter one in the presence of the big bad undead lord. I like the compulsion effects that the instrument does, but I think that instead of having the creature animate dead, you would have done better by having its music enhance the undead around it.

[James Martin]

zylphryx wrote:

OK, here we go:

Mnemonic Ooze
** spoiler omitted **

I really like this, not least because I was toying around with the idea of a creature that steals spell slots from PCs that they don't get back until they slay it. And it gets to use those slots as its own. Sort of a rust monster for mages.

[Needs More Zasz]

zylphryx wrote:

OK, here we go:

Mnemonic Ooze
** spoiler omitted **

Having an ooze that feeds off of intelligence and magic energy is an interesting idea. Making it intelligent on its own seems ok, but I don't like the "can assume a crude semblance of a translucent medium bipedal creature, less a head." Why less a head? Why even bipedal creature form at all? Isn't half the fun of oozes that they just schlorp around in big globules and engulf people and equipment?

I think you would have done better to concentrate on the magic energy feeding properties of the ooze. Give it SR and have any magic item that comes in contact with it be hit by dispel magic for a time. It would go a long way to making this a more unique creature and less a "just another ooze, but this one eats spells" creature.

[Lucklessone]

I have my first draft done, gonna sit on it till I get back from work tonight and then toss it up here.

[Heathansson]

My mindflayer replacement...

[Charles Evans 25]

Curaigh wrote:

Ok I met the self deadline though I am sure if the pressure was on I would have pattered, puttered, and played with it for much, much longer O:)

Irrisen Sun Grizzly** spoiler omitted **
I gotta say it cool to see so many of the Top 32 here O:) I hope it is good practice for y'all.

Curaigh wrote:

...Also known as the red steg-ursus...

This 'local name' seems a bit silly, although it did, after I read the entry through the second time, help in getting the message through to me that your animal looks like a cross between a grizzly bear and a stegosaurus. However you aren't consistent in the use of your own names for you animal. You call it an 'Irrisen Sun Grizzly' in the title, but a 'sun bear' in the Powers and Abilities section. You could have just used 'bear' to refer to it in the latter case if you were going for a shorthand description, as you did in the Description section.

I think that the mention of intelligence could have gone in the Description section, and I'm not sure that the teeth and claws rate a specific mention at all in the Powers and Abilities, as you do not indicate that they do anything unusual.

Curaigh wrote:

...They also offer protection against spells requiring attack rolls and some tales even say rays can be returned to the caster...

You're not a GM narrating to a group of players. You're in the role of a designer trying to sell this to an audience of editors. There shouldn't be any 'some tales even say' about this. Either the plates do reflect rays or they sometimes reflect rays, in which case tell us that, or they don't, so don't mention it. You shouldn't be trying to play a coy 'maybe this monster does this, and maybe it actually doesn't' with us.

And you get a bit wordy with this last piece too:

Curaigh wrote:

...The sun grizzly has it own magical abilities as well, using the light patterns off these plates to dazzle or confound their opponents. A handy trait when robbing the combs of giant bees...

If the bear robs the combs of giant bees, shouldn't that activity be up in the Description section, and not down under Powers and Abilities heading?

BUT, despite this jumbled up presentation and all these nitpicks, my impression is that you do present a good general overview of an interesting creature.
And thank-you Curaigh for contributing. :)

[Jacob Trier]

My creature concept:

Jitterling:

Jitterling
Description: A Jitterling is a small, insect-like creature that looks remarkably like a common rock. size and shape varies, but an average jitterling usually about the size of a human fist. Closer inspection reveals a number of thin, flexible appendages that serve as both legs and arms, and a small mouth. The appendages are retracted beneath the jitterlings shell when not in use. Jitterlings live in colonies, each ruled by a queen which functions as an intelligent hive-mind for the entire colony. Jitterling queens are larger and have a number of colored eye-spots on their shell. Jitterlings inhabit deserts, mountains and other rocky environments, where they are able to blend in with the terrain. Jitterlings are territorial, and colonies often fight each other, with the surviving members joining the victorious colony if one queen is slain. Common jitterling cannot survive without a queen nearby. Jitterling queens speak and understand Terran.
Powers and Abilities: A jitterling colony is able to link together and form a single entity. The queen controls all of her subjects telepathically. Upon command from her, all jitterlings gather, and link their appendages together. They may then move as a single creature, in a form dictated by the queen. Common forms are large serpents, quadrupeds and humanoids. A jitterling colony linked in this way resembles a creature made up of small rocks, and can sometimes be mistaken for an earth elemental. The size of a linked colony can range from medium to gargantuan, depending on the number of jitterlings under the queen's command.

[Brian Hoffman]

Kruelaid wrote:

COOKIE MONSTER

I verily dig the other submissions so far, but my daughter assures me that this entry will win the non-contest. She seems pretty sure about it.

[Brian Hoffman]

zylphryx wrote:

OK, here we go:

Mnemonic Ooze
** spoiler omitted **

This is a pretty sweet concept. I am loving the idea of wasting a whole party with a hyper-intelligent puddle. Bwa-ha-ha, bwa-ha-haaaa...

[Charles Evans 25]

Steven T. Helt wrote:

Alright. I submitted late, but I didn't starttyping until really late, and then had to put the kids to bed. But for my need to hit the hay, I would have found a way to cut 7 words and improve the name, but I kind of want to see him in a movie now. Thoughts?

Leviadon

Description: The remote places of the world hide mighty, antediluvian monsters – the progenitors of beasts that, eons later, are themselves the stuff of legends. Such is the ancient wonder known to precious few sages as the leviadon.
A leviadon resembles a prehistoric tortoise of mythic proportions. Protruding from the monster’s goliath shell are powerful, reptilian legs and a thick, deadly tail. The most dramatic physical features of the leviadon, however, are its three distinct, menacing heads, each with a unique beak or jagged maw. The muscular, serpentine necks that protrude from the shell are covered in multicolored scales.
In their prime, Leviadons were proud creations of primordial gods. They may have been masterpieces of natural beauty or potent weapons in titanic wars, where truly magnificent forces fought epic battles or guarded secret places of power. As timeless servants of a diverse group of deities, leviadons are not restricted to an alignment and have no shared culture other than the tendency to guard a special place and hoard whatever it considers to be valuable.
Leviadons sleep away entire centuries, and only fragmented documents or oral traditions offer clues as to where one might be found.

Powers and Abilities: The leviadon makes for a high-level encounter and features a number of powerful special abilities. Being a primordial dragon, the beast enjoys all of the features and rules consistent with the dragon type. Leviadons are self-aware, magical beasts that bear a close tie to the forces of creation. They resist negative energy and death effects, and have limited spell resistance. Each leviadon possesses a unique configuration of three breath weapons, and is protected by both natural regeneration and a diamond-hard carapace. They communicate telepathically, each head with its own perspective and demeanor. Leviadons make use of a few powerful spell-like abilities like greater shout or transmute rock to mud.

My first impression is that it's very wordy. You're going off into long flights of almost-poetry about your monster, if that makes any sense to you.

Steven T. Helt wrote:

...They may have been masterpieces of natural beauty or potent weapons in titanic wars, where truly magnificent forces fought epic battles or guarded secret places of power...

As I observed in my previous post to Curaigh, you're in the role of a designer trying to sell this to an audience of editors. There shouldn't be any 'may' about this.

Steven T. Helt wrote:

...As timeless servants of a diverse group of deities, leviadons are not restricted to an alignment and have no shared culture other than the tendency to guard a special place and hoard whatever it considers to be valuable...

'servants' and 'leviadons' are plural and do not agree with 'hoard whatever it considers', which is singular.

Steven T. Helt wrote:

...Being a primordial dragon, the beast enjoys all of the features and rules consistent with the dragon type...

If this is a primordial dragon, then why didn't you tell me that in the Description section?

Steven T. Helt wrote:

...Leviadons are self-aware, magical beasts that bear a close tie to the forces of creation. They resist negative energy and death effects, and have limited spell resistance. Each leviadon possesses a unique configuration of three breath weapons, and is protected by both natural regeneration and a diamond-hard carapace. They communicate telepathically, each head with its own perspective and demeanor...

I feel that some of that information is more pertinent to the Description section than to Powers and Abilities.

Steven T. Helt wrote:

...Leviadons make use of a few powerful spell-like abilities like greater shout or transmute rock to mud.

And by naming specific spells there at the end, I think you came close to going against the 'do not include game statistics' injunction.

My overall impression is that the entry could have done with a lot more editing, but that this is an interesting overview of a prehistoric three-headed giant dragon tortoise. (Possibly related to dragon turtles?)

Thank-you, Steven. :D

[Charles Evans 25]

Steven T. Helt wrote:

Azmahel wrote:

Bonefiddler

My feedback is that the bonefiddler seems like a single bad guy you might find in a canned adventure. He is intriguing and macabre, which is great. But he is not something you'd encounter more than once in an entire campaign. Does that make him not Superstar? I dunno.

I forgot to copy it, but you have a long sentence where I think you mean to ad the word "or". Is that sentence a list of options the fiddler has with his ability to make skeletons dance?

To tighten the theme, I would prefer to see irresistable dance or crushing despair listed by name as spell-like abilities. Did crushing despair make it to Pathfinder?

I think calling specific spells out by name might be in danger of going against the 'no game statistics' mentioned in the Round 2 rules...

[Azmahel]

Needs More Zasz wrote:

This, then, would have been my attempt:

** spoiler omitted **

You pretty much nailed the concept of a cross between wolf and spider and the implications thereof. I miss that they are not poisonous though. but thats about it.

You have my respect of tackling such an low level and rather mundane concept. You don't have any special powers and nifty abilities to blow the minds of the voting public with. So the impact of your entry sole depends on your ranks on craft (words) if you get what I mean.
You do a very good job at presenting this monster in a way that keeps you interested and leaves one wanting to see a statblock for this creature. (which will be one of the main source of votes during round 2)
Good job!

[Azmahel]

zylphryx wrote:

OK, here we go:

Mnemonic Ooze
** spoiler omitted **

this one is dangerously close in concept to the id ooze. ( a variant to the gray ooze) And since this part of the contest is about creativity and interesting concept that might have been bad.

Also you are going in too much detail about the powers, but that already has been mentioned.
The intelligent blob of ooze is an intriguing concept, but sadly not a new one.

[Azmahel]

Curaigh wrote:

Ok I met the self deadline though I am sure if the pressure was on I would have pattered, puttered, and played with it for much, much longer O:)

Irrisen Sun Grizzly** spoiler omitted **
I gotta say it cool to see so many of the Top 32 here O:) I hope it is good practice for y'all.

I didn't dig the steg-ursus pun. It did set my mind to expect a gag creature.

I really hope you don't intend to write up a Lung-puncture (Ex) power. should you write up a statblock for this meanie

Aside from these issues you have some mojo going on with this.
I have an illustration for one of these in mind, and it would be one of the kind that would make me stop while skimming through a big book of monsters to read its entry.
Well done.
This is definitely above average, but I'm not sure if it is what is needed for a Superstar.

[Azmahel]

Steven T. Helt wrote:

Alright. I submitted late, but I didn't starttyping until really late, and then had to put the kids to bed. But for my need to hit the hay, I would have found a way to cut 7 words and improve the name, but I kind of want to see him in a movie now. Thoughts?

Leviadon

Hmm. i don't know how I should feel about this. I definitely have the feeling you are more interested in writing a novel that somewhat revolves about these Leviathans, than presenting them as a monster and making people want to use them in their home campaign or seeing it being stated up as a full monster entry.

While the concept is great, this is just more than a monster. this is a story in the making.
Also I'm not feeling inspired by this. We all have heard stories of antediluvian progenitor leviathans sleeping in the depths of the ocean that are the stuff of the legends. While i like your execution of the concept i don't have any colorful , vivid images in my mind when reading about them. And this is what I value the most about this contest: the inspiration.

[Charles Evans 25]

Anthony Adam wrote:

Here's mine as promised :)

Enjoy.

** spoiler omitted **

You seem to me to put information that should be in the Description section under the Powers and Abilities section instead.

You reference a monster or overlord called 'Davy Jones', who seems to me to be likely to be a unique individual specific to one setting, and a 'ship's graveyard', which again appears to be a particular location which you have in mind; however Round 2 is supposed to be setting neutral.
I'm confused if these are incorporeal or 'solid water' creatures, as in the Powers and Abilities section you say that they can engulf and drown creatures.

My overall impression is that you spend a lot of time describing these monsters, but when it comes down to Powers and Abilities don't them much apart from an engulf & drown attack that could be regarded as differentiating them from regular ghosts.
Thank-you for posting, however. ;)

[Azmahel]

Anthony Adam wrote:

Here's mine as promised :)

Enjoy.

** spoiler omitted **

Ah Davy Jones' crew. And presented in a way I haven't seen them before. But again they are not as intriguing as a monster, as they are as a story. A story that isn't yours too.

I like how you envision the crew. But the major mojo of this would-be entry isn't yours. Thats not speaking for your creativity. (and I do think you have a lot of that, you just need to show it ;) )
Aside from your sub-optimal choice of concept i think your presentation is good, even if it could still be tightened up around the corners.
Go and try exploring uncharted lands. It's fun!

[Charles Evans 25]

JaceDK wrote:

My creature concept:

** spoiler omitted **

JaceDK wrote:

... size and shape varies...

As a criticism you state that Jitterlings live in colonies, but provide no details as to whether they live in underground burrows, build themselves nests, etc.

My overall impression of this one is that it is fairly well written. There are a couple of minor errors with regard to capital letters, and use of the singular (jitterling) instead of plural (jitterlings), and the concept as outlined strikes me as more rgular monster manual than Superstar, but this seems to me to be a fairly solid entry.
Thank-you for posting this. :)

[Azmahel]

JaceDK wrote:

My creature concept:

** spoiler omitted **

after reading the description I felt remembered to Pirates of the Caribbean 3.

This is a nice concept: Multiple small creatures forming one larger creature. But this would be a hell to stat up.
But aside from this and the issue that they don't have anything more interesting going on ( from a Player/DM perspective, not a "Golarional Geographic" perspective) this really is well written and evocative.
Good Job. But i would rather have settled for something with a higher Wow-factor for Rpg Superstar ( I hope my entry has this ;P ).

[Azmahel]

After posting my thoughts on each entry so far I wanted to thank you all for participating.
This is a great pastime and learning experience.
I really hope you are all having as much fun as I am and that we can and will continue with this for Round 3.

Well done everyone!

[Jacob Trier]

Charles Evans 25 wrote:

Nice critique. [/ooc]

Azmahel wrote:

Also nice critique.

Thanks for the feedback. I'm very pleased that you liked them. And since I'm not a native English-speaker, I can live with the grammar mistakes.

The entry was jotted down fairly quickly - there are lots and lots of ideas floating around in my head that would probably have fitted in the entry with better editing. I have added a few below.

More on jitterlings:

For the stats, I plan to lean heavily on the rules for building a Summoner's Eidolon from the APG playtest. Type of attack and such varies, depending on the form - constrict for snake-like form and slam attack for humanoid, for instance. Un-linked worker jitterlings have swarm traits, except no means of attack.

The crab-creatures from PotC 3 are pretty close to how I picture the jitterlings, except without eyes and claws. I imagine the worker-jitterlings as blind, relying on their very sensitive tendons to feel their way around. The tendons can also be used to transfer nourishment from worker to the queen, or to other workers. (Haven't quite figured out what jitterlings eat, though).

As far as interesting things for a player/DM perspective - I could think of a lot of different things. For once, a DM could vary the CR of a Jitterling colony by adjusting the size - I picture a big enough colony as being able to go head-to-head with a Purple Worm or a dragon.

Also, since the Queens are intelligent, they could be used as villains, either rampaging through an area, or hidden away somewhere plotting.

Anyways, lots of brainstorming left to do - I basically just digged the cinematic image of a bunch of little rocks scurring together around the PC's and rising up in front of them as a 20'ft giant snake or humanoid form.

[Solrenevermead]

Okay so this was my idea. please if you all would be so kind and let me know.

Unhallowed

Spoiler:

Description

when dark rituals to dark gods are performed it is the victim that some times becomes the vessel of their foul hate. When the victim of a sacrificial ritual is not precisely what the ritual calls for, such as not being a virgin when the ritual calls for it, the goal of the ritual may still be obtained but a dark pact is made. When such a victim is sacrificed in the the area of dark magic there is a small chance that the dark gods will raise them as an Unhallowed.
These creatures are a dark mirror of their former selves. Their body is withered and their skin drawn tight over their wasting frame.
Their eyes are hollow sockets with points of burning light. Their lack of bottom jaw only helps to unnerve their victim. Finally the palm of their hand bear horrible wounds that are deep and ooze. It is not until to late that their victims realize the truth of these wound. For they are not just wounds but the creatures true mouths.

Powers and abilities.

An Unhallowed is constantly surround by an aura of fear that causes even the most brave to cower.
Their stare is capable of freezing a man cold in his place. Even as the Unhallowed latches on to them with its hands and begins to drain them of their very life.
The foul energy that give them life protect them from all but the most holy weapons.
The Unhallowed are so in tune with the darkness in the world that they are capable of moving between the shadows.
Last but not least the Unhallowed are so infused with dark energy that they are forever banished from the ray of the sun least they be consumed by it.

[Nermal2097]

This is what i came up with for round two. Any and all feedback welcome.
Mud Bane

Spoiler:

Description: In villages, towns and cities these twisted humanoid muckdwelling horrors have haunted the nightmares of children and parents for all living memory and beyond. Hiders in the dark places where people dwell, Mud Banes prey on children and the weak.

If they could stand straight up they might reach 6ft high, but constantly crawling in dark spaces has given every Mud Bane a stooping appearance and shuffling gait. They have dark brown fur, with flaming red eyes, rotting fangs and dirt covered claws. Their fur is matted with bits of rubbish, rotten food and dead leaves and so have become very adept at blending in to the detritus of urban life. Their faces take on a twisted aspect of the people they haunt so it becomes more human-like in a majority human city, for example.

Mud Bane nests are the stinking cesspits, middens, sewers and other dark and filthy places of the village or town. They are often filled with the small remains of their victims. They also fixate on shiney objects, especially silver and platinum, stealing them wherever they can. Fortunately Mud Banes are solitary creatures and very territorial so only one will haunt an area (usually up to the size of a medium-sized town) at anyone time.

Powers and Abilities: Physically Mud Banes are not very strong but are able to move about effectively in the shadows, using their natural camoflage to blend into their surroundings.

They are also able to squeeze into spaces much smaller than their size might indicate, enabling them to gain easy access to homes and undergound areas.

Mud Bane get a perverse thrill in the fear they cause and they are able to paralyse victims with a smoking stare before snatching them away in their disease ridden claws.

[Needs More Zasz]

Solrenevermead wrote:

Okay so this was my idea. please if you all would be so kind and let me know.

Unhallowed** spoiler omitted **

The first issue that I see is that your description block is confusing. I had to reread parts of it to understand what you were saying and although I get it, it still took some effort, which is a turn off. If this were in the voting, that would put your submission at a -1 for me right from the get-go.

[Needs More Zasz]

Nermal2097 wrote:

This is what i came up with for round two. Any and all feedback welcome.

Mud Bane

** spoiler omitted **

Reading the name "Mud Bane," I was expecting some sort of ooze creature like a mudman, or at least something that lurks in mud pools. What you have seems to lurk more in trash heaps than in mud, so I would give it a different name.

In your description you mention that it can change its facial features to match prey but give no power related to this. Similarly, in powers you mention that it has smoldering eyes that can paralyze prey but don't mention that in the description.

[Lucklessone]

As promised I am now home from work, and after a final edit, may I present.

spoiler:

Neverborn

Description:

Sometimes, powerful magics alter the very fabric of reality. The unintended consequences of altering the world are like waves in the ocean, vast and unknowable until they come crashing onto the shore. Some beings are killed before they can achieve a great work; others lives are never created when a death is reversed for one who goes on to kill hundreds. This untapped destiny usually disperses for a time, harmlessly awaiting another who will achieve greatness. However, occasionally the unrealized potential instead becomes corrupt and self aware, thus are the Neverborn created. A Neverborn is the twisted essence of unfulfilled fate. Appearing like a translucent humanoid barely discernable as a distortion in the air, a Neverborn has no identifying features on its blank rounded head.

Powers and Abilities: The first and most disturbing power of a Neverborn is its immunity to all powers that would alter its destiny or discern its future. Most divination magics react as if the Neverborn simply did not exist. Neverborn are often drawn to those who wield powers capable of altering the world. They are intelligent compassionless hunters, striking with surprise and then fleeing as soon as the situation turns against them.

[Chris Mortika]

zylphryx wrote:

OK, here we go:

Mnemonic Ooze

Azmahel wrote:

this one is dangerously close in concept to the id ooze. ( a variant to the gray ooze)...The intelligent blob of ooze is an intriguing concept, but sadly not a new one.

Or Obliviax (aka "Memory Moss") from the AD&D Monster Cards, Set 2.

--+--+--

Solrenevermead, I like the idea of Unhallowed a lot! Might I suggest, though, that if the Black Cultists of the Pustulent One screws up and tries to sacrifice the wrong object --I thought you said a vestal sturgeon-- then what comes back ought to be a threat to the aformentioned cultists. Undead, sure, but maybe immunne to anybody with the rebuking feat, or SR 17 versus divine magic or something.

After all, the dark powers don't want to be encouraging this "oops, sorry, we'll get you a good one next time" sloppiness. Being all understanding and nice about it doesn't seem like it ought to be in the Pustulent One job description.

[zylphryx]

Needs More Zasz wrote:

zylphryx wrote:

OK, here we go:

Mnemonic Ooze
** spoiler omitted **

Having an ooze that feeds off of intelligence and magic energy is an interesting idea. Making it intelligent on its own seems ok, but I don't like the "can assume a crude semblance of a translucent medium bipedal creature, less a head." Why less a head? Why even bipedal creature form at all? Isn't half the fun of oozes that they just schlorp around in big globules and engulf people and equipment?

Yeah, in retrospect, I should have limited the morphing ability to tendrils and the ability to mimic sound to allow for verbal and somatic requirements for certain spells.

Needs More Zasz wrote:

I think you would have done better to concentrate on the magic energy feeding properties of the ooze. Give it SR and have any magic item that comes in contact with it be hit by dispel magic for a time. It would go a long way to making this a more unique creature and less a "just another ooze, but this one eats spells" creature.

I like the dispel magic aspect for magic items. Good addition.

Thanks for the feedback. :)

[Starglim]

A remark in the rejected items thread, to the effect that good-aligned characters would hesitate to use an item that required touching rotting meat, made me twitch a bit. In fact, I twitched so hard that I wrote most of this submission before I calmed down. It's probably riskier (and way more overwritten) than I would want to submit for real money.

Sanctissima

Spoiler:

Description: Through extreme asceticism, directed to those gods who find excess of zeal no sin, this religious has become an exalted being - an anchorite within her own flesh. The sanctissima's eyes, the majority of her limbs, and external sex atrophy into her body without a mark, though some of these reductions may not be visible under her stiffly matted hair and caked filth. The remnant of her body expands to inhuman stature, topping five feet in a sitting position. The rigor of her self-mortification and fecund life upon her flesh surround her with an odor of almost inconceivable density as she speaks constant, rapid prayers of an abstrusity that baffles any who listen. Sanctissimae can be of either sex.
Though mostly sedentary by habit, a sanctissima can move freely by levitating above the pavement. She harms no living thing for her food, existing solely from refuse and animals that die of themselves. Unlike the destitute whom she resembles and greatly exceeds in wretchedness, she keeps no begging bowl nor any other earthly possessions, and in the most crowded thoroughfare, folk grant her a reverent distance.
Powers and Abilities: A sanctissima perceives her surroundings to a fair distance by other means than sight, including a particularly acute sense of smell. Her holy inviolability discourages enemies from approaching or doing her injury. Blades pierce her flesh without harm, fire, cold, and poison do not affect her, and she regenerates damage from most other sources. A sanctissima's remaining hand strikes ferocious blows, imparting a withering curse from wounds of her nails.
On rare occasions, a sanctissima speaks clearly with commanding or prophetic words. She can cure with a touch and bestow many other holy blessings. Always surrounded by a sourceless light, at need, she can channel bountiful life-energy.

[Starglim]

Curaigh wrote:

Irrisen Sun Grizzly

By the rules it should be world-neutral - no Golarion references. It's an interesting combination, though, with something of the notorious 1st edition feel.

[Starglim]

JaceDK wrote:

Jitterling

From the name and mention of arms, I thought at first these might be some sort of fey.

Are the colonies any higher than animal intelligence (thus maybe able to do interesting things with their humanoid shape)?

[Jacob Trier]

Starglim wrote:

JaceDK wrote:

Jitterling

Are the colonies any higher than animal intelligence (thus maybe able to do interesting things with their humanoid shape)?

Yes, the queens are meant to be intelligent.

[Steven Helt]

I guess I understood a pitch to mean you give a vivid description about the monster and leave the stats for specific request to do him up. We'll see if there's a stat your monster round and give him a mechanical up-do.

Charles may be right about the specifics of mechanics, but I disagree for now. I think if there's an abilities/powers section, you should be listing what the creature's abilities are to give a feel for the monster's role in a fight or story. So, I think it'd be wise to say 'dude has spell resistance and a diamond hard carapace', but not to say 'dude has SR 20 and DR 5/adamantine and a huge natural armor bonus', or to say 'dude has spell-like abilities including greater teleport', but not 'dude has greater teleport three times per day with a caster level of 20'.

If I were reviewing a monster for publication, I'd want to know what knds of specific tricks would define the monster, I would not want them in stat block format.

It was really late when I submitted, I see now there was some awkward language, and it is maybe a little wordy. I perhaps could have sacrificed a few adjectives and talked about their individuality or something else, but I was trying to be evocative. If it came off as 'this guy wants to write a novel', that's be fine and accurate. If it came off as Gygaxian and hard to get through, I'm sorry and I'll learn from it.

Thanks for your feedback, guys! Anyone else may chime in. I'll hit a list of these later today.

[Charles Evans 25]

Solrenevermead wrote:

Okay so this was my idea. please if you all would be so kind and let me know.

Unhallowed** spoiler omitted **

Your english is a little awkward in places (EG 'palm of their hand' should be 'palms of their hands'), and whilst you go into details about their origins, you don't explain what they do. Do they just kill people at random? Do they go after the guys who fobbed the dark powers off with a flawed sacrifice? Do they try to resume their former lives?

It reminds me a little of something that I've seen depicted in one of the Arkham Horror expansions.

My overall impression is that it's actually a reasonably creepy monster, although not knowing what role it usually plays is something of a setback.

Thank-you for posting and submitting to scrutiny. :)

[Charles Evans 25]

Nermal2097 wrote:

This is what i came up with for round two. Any and all feedback welcome.

Mud Bane

** spoiler omitted **

There are some grammar & language nitpicks I have with your piece, but otherwise I quite like it. In fact I'm curious as to what their origins are (especially given that you say that they tend to resemble the local majority race), so you've managed to hook my interest with something about them. (Of course I might not like your explanation if you posted it, so it might be wiser to leave me on tenterhooks over this one... ;) )

My overall impression is that it is an evocatively written nice little monster outline, although with a few issues with spelling & grammar.

Edit:
Oops. Thank-you for posting this. ;)

[Charles Evans 25]

Starglim wrote:

A remark in the rejected items thread, to the effect that good-aligned characters would hesitate to use an item that required touching rotting meat, made me twitch a bit. In fact, I twitched so hard that I wrote most of this submission before I calmed down. It's probably riskier (and way more overwritten) than I would want to submit for real money.

Sanctissima
** spoiler omitted **...

Hmm, are these things immune to disease? I assume that they would logically at least have a certain tolerance for it (and poisons) but you do not make that clear.

It's nicely imagined and written, but I think you may be the first poster this year to have the question posed 'Yes, this could go in a bestiary, and probably feature in adventures, but Is It A Monster?' I suppose if your PCs are a bunch of aristocratic snobs or 'bad for the sake of it' villains, the answer could be yes...

My overall impression is this is interesting & well-written, but Is It A Monster?

Thanks for posting, Starglim, and I know what it is to sometimes just have to get something down and put it out there...