If I was in the Top 32 I would submit....

[Urizen]

Flickerfiend is hard to perceive. Phageborn, on the other hand, I'm really digging. If Watcher didn't put in the ID hook with his Skintaker, you'd be in competition with him with this one.

[James Martin]

Sean McGowan wrote:

Flickerfiend

Reminds me of the Weeping Angels from Doctor Who and that's a good thing; they creeped me out.

Hey, where did that statue come from? Did you see.....

[Chris Mortika]

James,

Steven Moffat, the writer of "Blink" and the series' new head writer, has announced that the Weeping Angels will be returning in Series 5.

I am myself hesitant. They were terrific and creepy in "Blink", but that was because they were fresh, unheard of, and their abilities were unclear. Moffat is a genius, but I admit I'm having trouble seeing how a second appearance won't seem pedestrian by contrast.

Sean, I think you made the right choice in what to submit. The Phageborn is a terrific monster, but ultimately too similar toboth the Skintaker, as Urizen notes, and the Rotling. And I don't think the Flickerfiend, although a terrific concept, is going to be workable in a game system without facing. (Well, I take that back. I bet you could simulate that by requiring everyone with line of sight to fail Perception checks or something.) And, truth to tell, if the critters are bizarre and their motives are incomprehensible, I wouldn't call them "fiends".

But I bet the art order on them would be fun.

[Needs More Zasz]

Sean McGowan wrote:

So now that I can post this with utter impunity, here are the two monsters I decided not to go with. I'd love to get feedback on them, even if that feedback winds up being 'why the hell didn't you pick one of these over your actual entry, you idiot?'

Phageborn

I like this concept, it has a real Resident Evil type feel to it. I could see it with stats like a barghest/greater barghest in that a lesser phageborn who consumes enough HD of creatures becomes a greater phageborn. Nifty concept and I would use something like this in my games.

Sean McGowan wrote:

Flickerfiend

Perma-invisible or ethereal creatures are a pain, but they have methods to counteract their protections. The flickerfiend completely bypasses this and seems a little too abstract for a good solid monster entry. Plus, since there are no facing rules, if one of these was around then characters always have line of sight.

[Charles Evans 25]

Xaaon of Korvosa wrote:

Hoarfrost Zombie variant

Description: A Hoarfrost zombie is a formed from those who died of hypothermia, the ice permeating to their very bones. The Hoarfrost Zombie appears as a frozen corpse with dagger like shards protruding from it. Gaseous cold falls to the ground around it as it cools the air around it.

Powers and Abilities: A Hoarfost zombie is more resistant to damage than even a normal zombie; weapons have trouble penetrating it's icy exterior. This does however leave it more vulnerable to fire. Bone chilling cold emanates from the Hoarfrost zombie, freezing the ground and and those to close to it. Slam attacks from the Hoarfrost Zombie inflict brutal damage from the dagger like protrusions of ice.
...

Hah. And I am baaaack. (Well at least for now, anyway.)

Some awkwardness over spelling & grammar suggest this monster could have done with proof-reading.
Umm, this comes across to me as just a tougher zombie than normal. You really needed some more oomph in setting this up. More description. More motivations. What do they do? Why do they do it? There's not a lot here to inspire me, and you urgently need to do that given I've just come off reading 32 Round 2 entries which have left me somewhat fatigued with regard to undead and aberrations.
If you have access to the 2nd edition AD&D Ravenloft compendiums, I would recommend you read over the Jezra Wagner entry (although admittedly she is an incorporeal undead) from the second compendium to get you in the mood for writing about people who have died horribly out in wintry wastes...
I assume hoarfrost zombies are restricted to cold areas (and maybe the retinues of a few cold-focused necromancers/clerics) and seem to be likely to be a low-level challenge.

My overall impression is of a zombie variant, or possibly of a template applied to a zombie.

Thanks for posting this though.

[Charles Evans 25]

Pen2paper wrote:

A moncha for the deep forest/jungle type adventures. Its not large but it can be deadly.

The Stingback

Description: Often found in deep forests or Jungles this strange 48 inch high little golden brown monkey has many ties to its better known cousin the howler monkey. However, the Stingback is terribly shy and yet feverishly territorial. This monkey primarily feeds on other monkeys, squirrels or any other tree climbing animals which might enter the territory of the Stingback. The Stingback picked up its name due to the scorpion like whip tail it possesses other then the standard monkey tail used for climbing. The Stingback will often swing down out of the tree’s and sting its victim and wait for the toxic poison to suffocate the victim and then it will feast on the poison sweetened meat. Stingbacks unfortunately do not hunt solo and are often found in packs of 20 or more.

Powers and Abilities:
The Stingback is an amazing climber and possesses an excellent sense of balance. It climbs almost as fast as a traditional howler monkey might and it has an unusual and distinct call it makes when something enters it territory. It is a master at hiding to the point that most folks looking directly at it still might not even see the creature. When it delivers its poisonous sting to the unfortunately victim the venom begins to immediately cause muscular paralysis constricting the lungs and causing most victims to die of asphyxiation. As this venom mixes with the blood it congeals into a strange sugary fermentation and saturates the meat of the animal. The venom’s affects only last for a short time leaving a tasty welcomed treat. It is for this reason that the Stingback is a prized catch and often found as a caged animal in many villages of deep native forest dwellers.

The side-effects of the poison sting are mildly interesting, although I'm not sure jungle natives (you made the mistake of referring to them as forest dwellers by the way, despite having indicated your monkeys live in jungles) would keep them caged, but maybe have them around as semi-tame pets (or as a jungle equivalent of a hunting hawk).

Large packs might prove problematic for PCs in an encounter, since with 20+ monkeys rolling attack rolls, some of them are going to crit if nothing else, and every now and then a PC is going to miss their save against the poison. If they drop from ambush on a group of low level PCs and win initiative you're looking at a possible party wipe-out. And if stingbacks don't usually go for creatures the size of PCs, then how much of a threat as a monster is a stingback except possibly as a druid or ranger's animal companion?

My overall impression is of a monkey with a poisoned sting.

Thanks for posting this though. :)

[Charles Evans 25]

Joshua Kitchens wrote:

While I'm writing up the responses/design points of the Astrumal, thought I'd share what my first monster concept was that eventually got discarded.

---------------------------------------------

Mirror Geist

Description: A lone, pale figure peers forth from the other side of the mirror, covered in gaping wounds that run with fresh blood and with eyes pleading in agony. Its hands beat fruitlessly against the reflective surface. Faint whispers begging for release drift off of the mirror’s surface before turning into echoing howls of frustration.

Mirror Geists are the tormented spirits of those who have been murdered while in full view of a mirror. Their souls never get a chance to cross over into the afterlife and instead they find themselves bound for eternity to the confines of the mirror that witnessed their demise. Such an existence quickly drives the spirit insane as they experience the agony of their own death every moment. The only thing a mirror geist longs for is an end to its suffering. In their insanity, a mirror geist will take their anger out on anyone unable or unwilling to give them this release.

Powers and Abilities: While a mirror geist is an incorporeal undead, it can only interact with objects or beings reflected by its mirror’s surface with a limited form of telekinesis. Every few moments, it can let loose a horrible howl that wracks anyone nearby with pain. The tortured gaze of a mirror geist has a hypnotizing effect on living beings, drawing the target toward the mirror until they are touching it. The mirror geist can attempt to drain the life force of anyone touching its mirror and shunt them to an ethereal demi-plane for a time. A mirror geist cannot be harmed directly but takes damage if its mirror is struck. Unless remove curse is cast upon the mirror geist before its mirror is shattered, they both will return fully repaired in a few days.
...

Interesting and slightly disturbing. Fairly well written, although it is not clear to me how exactly mirror geists manage to communicate that they want to be released, or how long they are prepared to wait to see if anyone is going to attempt to do just that.

I'm not sure that incorporeal is a description of something which if I understand correctly, only exists within the reflective surface of a mirror. It isn't actually in an area, it's in the reflection of that area, and remotely manipulates objects in that area by means of sympathetic interaction with reflected counterparts.
(Given the weirdness going on here, it might have been worth looking at the possibilities for PCs attempting to fight this to become disorientated in some manner.)
I'm not clear why there is a demiplane associated with these creatures, or why it is necessary? An extradimensional labyrinth along the lines of a maze spell should be sufficient, if a 'take PCs out of things' effect is needed.
Encounters with this creature seem to me to be likely to be highly limited, as a mirror is required in the vicinity and the mirror geist's ability to interact is limited to the field of reflection of the mirror. I assume PCs can end an encounter with this creature simply by tossing a large heavy piece of cloth over the mirror, or by walking out of the field of reflection. (Interesting question here - can invisible characters or other creatures/beings that cast no reflection be 'sensed' by or interact with this creature at all?)

My overall impression is of an innovative monster, but with considerable limitations on its use in-game. Best use is probably as part of a plot or as random room dressing in a villain's lair.

Thanks for posting this entry though.

[Bill Dodds]

As an alternate, I sent in my monster submission for review in the small chance someone got Dairy Queened. Here it is for all to see and critique! Ross Byers was kind enough to send me the judges comments to, so I posted them as well just for kicks and perhaps help next year's competitors:

Pulvarae
Description: The pulvarae are a hermaphroditic species of aberration that make their home in the cold tundra of the north. Their growth cycle takes them through three distinct stages, from sharp-toothed larvae that swarm just beneath the surface to vaguely lupine pack-hunting adolescents that grow into massive and destructive hunters.
The dangerous fields of centipede-like pulvarae larvae swarms are usually avoided by most animals as the larvae exude a sharp chemical stench which can disorient nearby prey. Pulvarae that survive to six-legged adolescence hunt in vicious and ever-hungry packs, filling the same ecological niche as northern wolves and the competing species kill each other whenever possible. They have tufts of pale wiry hair and leathery chitinous plates over thick muscle. Their sharp beaked blunt snout covers a lengthy blue tongue used to scent. The massive adult pulvarae are canny and dangerous, often driving herds of animals into the killing fields of their spawn. Adult pulvarae are extremely territorial and once they achieve their final molt they drive out the adolescent packs and other adult pulvarae.
Powers and Abilities: Pulvarae swarms have a debilitating stench that causes nausea and disorientation in a radius around them. Blind at this stage, they can sense movement above and surge upward to quickly consume unfortunate prey in an orgy of snapping beaks and burrowing claws. The wailing cry of adolescent pulvarae can be heard for miles, summoning additional members to the hunt. Still nearly blind, they use echo location and scent to hunt and harry their prey. Their keening howls can cause panic, allowing them to scatter herds for easier hunting of isolated prey. Adult pulvarae, besides their lethal natural weapons, can focus their echo location to strike large areas with a burst of force, knocking foes to the ground to be pounced upon.

Sean K Reynolds (Developer), Sunday, 03:01 PM
Cool idea for a monster, the description of its shape makes me want to see all three of its life stages illustrated.

I like how the various life-stages interact, it's a tight theme and it always pleases me when someone creates a monster that has a functional ecology and life cycle. Smart, consistent monster abilities from stage to stage, and I like how the use of those abilities changes as the creature matures.

Nitpick: it's "echolocation," not "echo location."

Greg A. Vaughan (Contributor), Yesterday, 08:53 PM
I LOVE the first lifestage of these things. You've written a Cthulhu adventure here: writhing beaked worm things bursting forth from the permafrost around the investigators' camp. The second stage is cool as a competitor of the northern wolves. I get that the third stage is big, but I don't know what it looks like. Is it just a bigger version of the second stage? I think a little more development in regards to that final lifestage could co a long way on these guys.

F. Wesley Schneider (Managing Editor), Yesterday, 09:15 PM
As stated, this is three monsters, not one... which I kind of feel like is a poor use of word count. Instead of getting one solid description we get three hazy descriptions of three very different creatures, regardless of their shared race. Even reading this a few times, I don't have a solid idea of what any of these look like (tiny buggy beak wolves that turn into big bug beak wolves?).

I do like the sonic blast effect at the end, though. I honestly even like the racial progression, but in this arena, I would have preferred a bit more focus.

Clark Peterson (Publisher, Necromancer Games), Yesterday, 11:34 PM
Initial Impression: Three monsters in one, but is there enough of any ONE to get me interested. Let’s see…

Concept (name, overall design choices, design niche, playability/usability, challenge): C+
Focusing on three aspects of one monster means you didn’t ever really give us just one thing to get excited about. That was a risky design choice and I think it backfired for you. In the end, I wound up with one sentence of description and one sentence of powers for each of the three stages. That’s not enough. Plus, I don’t really know anything about these creatures other than that they are nasty and live in the cold and hunt. Basically, even if the PCs stumble into the frosty tundra, it would take a random encounter to meet these. I think you really failed to maximize your submission.

Execution (quality of writing, hook, theme, organization, use of proper format, world neutral, quality of mandatory content—description, summary of powers): B-
See above. You failed to really spell out any of the powers sufficiently to get me interested because of your choice to do 3 in 1. I’m going to reward you for the way you concisely did the 3 in 1. Your problem was in concept.

Tilt (did it grab me, do I want to use one in an adventure?): C
Nope. You didn’t spend enough time on any part of this monster to get me excited.

Overall: C+
Swing and a miss on a risky chance to do 3 in 1 instead of just focusing on one good monster.

Recommendation: I DO NOT recommend this creature advance.

[caith]

Pretty neat, Bill! Maybe after this round we can see a stat block for the adult phase?

[Charles Evans 25]

Bill Dodds wrote:

As an alternate, I sent in my monster submission for review in the small chance someone got Dairy Queened. Here it is for all to see and critique! Ross Byers was kind enough to send me the judges comments to, so I posted them as well just for kicks and perhaps help next year's competitors:

Pulvarae
Description: The pulvarae are a hermaphroditic species of aberration that make their home in the cold tundra of the north. Their growth cycle takes them through three distinct stages, from sharp-toothed larvae that swarm just beneath the surface to vaguely lupine pack-hunting adolescents that grow into massive and destructive hunters.
The dangerous fields of centipede-like pulvarae larvae swarms are usually avoided by most animals as the larvae exude a sharp chemical stench which can disorient nearby prey. Pulvarae that survive to six-legged adolescence hunt in vicious and ever-hungry packs, filling the same ecological niche as northern wolves and the competing species kill each other whenever possible. They have tufts of pale wiry hair and leathery chitinous plates over thick muscle. Their sharp beaked blunt snout covers a lengthy blue tongue used to scent. The massive adult pulvarae are canny and dangerous, often driving herds of animals into the killing fields of their spawn. Adult pulvarae are extremely territorial and once they achieve their final molt they drive out the adolescent packs and other adult pulvarae.
Powers and Abilities: Pulvarae swarms have a debilitating stench that causes nausea and disorientation in a radius around them. Blind at this stage, they can sense movement above and surge upward to quickly consume unfortunate prey in an orgy of snapping beaks and burrowing claws. The wailing cry of adolescent pulvarae can be heard for miles, summoning additional members to the hunt. Still nearly blind, they use echo location and scent to hunt and harry their prey. Their keening howls can cause panic, allowing them to scatter herds for easier hunting of isolated prey. Adult pulvarae, besides their lethal natural weapons, can focus their echo location to strike large areas with a burst of force, knocking foes to the ground to be pounced upon.
...

These appear to me to be different life-stages of a big insect type thing whose gimmick is that they use vibrations and at later stages sound.

The larval stage could be considered for an ambush-predator role, except that apparently they emit a scent which is so bad that they can be smelt some way off, and so are likely to instead be avoided.
Due to the reliance on echolocation of the adolescent stage, which I get the impression can apparently be heard for miles, it seems to me that the adolescent stage pulvarae aren't likely to take many creatures by surprise either. How do they catch anything to eat? Do they outrun their prey? Do they use hunting tactics on a grand scale to come in from all sides at once? Does their echolocation sense work at a different frequency to their regular howling, and even if so, what about the fact that wild animals may have much more extensive hearing ranges than humans?
I cannot make much sense of the adult stage at all:

Bill Dodds wrote:

...The massive adult pulvarae are canny and dangerous, often driving herds of animals into the killing fields of their spawn. Adult pulvarae are extremely territorial and once they achieve their final molt they drive out the adolescent packs and other adult pulvarae...

The adult pulvarae drive herds into the killing fields of their spawn? But you state in the next sentence that adult pulvarae drive out other adults and adolescent members of their species, and the larval stage gives off a sufficiently bad smell that it seems to me that anything being chased by a large adult will smell trouble up ahead and go around it? Or does an adult stage pulvarae have some sort of ability you haven't mentioned to maneuvre larval stage pulvarae up ahead into a trap which it will be difficult to go escape, because by the time the prey smells trouble ahead, it's already surrounded by it on the flanks too?

So the hunting methods, as I'm reading them, don't seem to make a lot of sense.

The descriptions of what the various stages look like are very short and lacking in useful information as to size. I'm left to surmise from hints elsewhere that the adult phase may not be blind.

As far as encounters go Pulvarae seem to be the sort of thing 'randomly' encountered by a party teleported into the middle of an arctic tundra which arrives practically on top of them; because otherwise characters are likely to smell them or hear them coming from miles off. (Especially if they have familiars/animal companions.) There may also be some mileage to using Pulvarae in a 'rid the area of these monsters' role, or 'go and fetch me this spell/potion component' fashion.

My overall impression is of an aberration lacking depth of description, including an absence of important information such as size. The use made of vibrations/sonics, and idea of changing and developing uses made by different stages of the creature is novel and intriguing, but is not really given the support that it needs by the rest of the entry.

Sorry about that... Concentrating on just one phase of development might have been a better way to go, with casual references/hints of what the other stages might involve/do. This was a brave effort, but I think 300 words is inadequate to give the three stages of this one the coverage that they really needed.
Thank-you for submitting to trial by fire and posting this entry though. :)

[Sean McGowan]

On phageborn:

urizen wrote:

Phageborn, on the other hand, I'm really digging. If Watcher didn't put in the ID hook with his Skintaker, you'd be in competition with him with this one.

Chris Mortika wrote:

The Phageborn is a terrific monster, but ultimately too similar to both the Skintaker, as Urizen notes, and the Rotling.

Interesting note. I'd actually seen a similarity between them and Jared's tremagguan, but I can see where the other comparisons come in.

Needs more zasz wrote:

I like this concept, it has a real Resident Evil type feel to it. I could see it with stats like a barghest/greater barghest in that a lesser phageborn who consumes enough HD of creatures becomes a greater phageborn. Nifty concept and I would use something like this in my games.

Thanks! Honestly, I was never 100% where I wanted to be with them- it started off as an idea for a new (if somewhat dark) PC race, then I retrofitted it into a monster, then I tried to wrestle it away from the template that it wanted to be, but I never quite liked the idea of a 'phase III' form, so... yeah. You can see why I dropped it.

Plus it would have been a lot stronger if setting content wasn't forbidden and I could make it clear that these were intended as an evolved version of Vorel's Phage/Bloodveil.

On flickerfiends

James Martin wrote:

Reminds me of the Weeping Angels from Doctor Who and that's a good thing; they creeped me out.

Hey, where did that statue come from? Did you see.....

I unapologetically ripped the concept off from Who. That, even more than the rather difficult to apply game mechanic involved in their creation, was why they were the first idea I dropped- I didn't want to get dinged for lack of originality. I still like the concept and would probably use it in a home game and enjoy the increasing frustration on player's faces as they try and figure out what the hell's going on, though.

Chris Mortika wrote:

And I don't think the Flickerfiend, although a terrific concept, is going to be workable in a game system without facing. (Well, I take that back. I bet you could simulate that by requiring everyone with line of sight to fail Perception checks or something.)

I was debating soemthing along the lines of giving every party member a virtual gaze attack, but that would likely work even better. Still, probably create too much rolling per round.

Quote:

And, truth to tell, if the critters are bizarre and their motives are incomprehensible, I wouldn't call them "fiends".

The naming wasn't top notch on these, but then I stopped developing them after two rewrites, so I'd hope I'd have come up with something better eventually. Still, beats my original placeholder name on them: 'Schrödinger's Monster'. (And at one point was debating 'Uncertain Death', but it was simultaneously too generic and punny.)

And now distracting myself from the monsters altogether and getting to the most important thing about your response:

On Doctor Who

Quote:

I am myself hesitant. They were terrific and creepy in "Blink", but that was because they were fresh, unheard of, and their abilities were unclear. Moffat is a genius, but I admit I'm having trouble seeing how a second appearance won't seem pedestrian by contrast.

Much like everything about the upcoming Reign of Moffat, I am on board, eager and ready. Yeah, the initial use of them in 'Blink' was as a cool, high concept, and bizarrely SCARY gimmick (Seriously, I've never before been terrified of soemthing that you're explicitly told is absolutely NOT going to jump out at you...) but I think they could definitely be used as a, if not recurring, at least occasional threat without losing their initial integrity. Plus, as you say, Moffat's a genius. Figuring out stuff like this is what geniuses are FOR. :-)

Okay, enough derailing. Thanks for the feedback. Makes me feel contented that I did put my best foot forward, at least.

[Azmahel]

A few extra proofreading passes and I think I'm done. I will likely start a new thread for the monsters' stats and reference it here, since there are still concepts coming in and so everything stays nice and seperated.

[caith]

Azmahel wrote:

A few extra proofreading passes and I think I'm done. I will likely start a new thread for the monsters' stats and reference it here, since there are still concepts coming in and so everything stays nice and seperated.

Good idea, I was hoping this wouldn't become "If I was in the Top 16 I would submit".

[Bill Dodds]

Charles: That seems to be the consensus as well. 300 words was not sufficient to address the three stage forms of the pulvarae. Concentrating on the early stage and changing some descriptors around would have likely been a better path.

That way my physical descriptions could have been better and more vivid. AH well, lesson learned. Thanks for the critique!

[Azmahel]

The If I was in the Top 16 ... is up. If you created a round 3 "non-entry" please post it there and leave this thread to the concepts.

:)

[Needs More Zasz]

Azmahel wrote:

The If I was in the Top 16 ... is up. If you created a round 3 "non-entry" please post it there and leave this thread to the concepts.

:)

And the posting has begun!