RPG Superstar 2009 Top 8
aka Tarren Dei
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Thank you Jason, Sean, and all for the extensive feedback on 1 of the 2000 words in my entry. I heartily encourage you to provide equally extensive feedback on the 1999 remaining words. ;-DUmmm... I really liked your use of the word "the." Very retro. Every time it came up, it gave me chills. In fact, it was smurftastic... :)
heheheh
Thank you Jason, Sean, and all for the extensive feedback on 1 of the 2000 words in my entry. I heartily encourage you to provide equally extensive feedback on the 1999 remaining words. ;-D
LOL
Now that's funny!
For my part, I liked the word. Not only is it the preferred word in medical texts, but it fits with H's personality to use the "correct" word. Much like the room titles fit his personality. And extra points from me for making me look up a word. Roleplaying is awesome like that. Most non-gamers don't know the definition of "charisma". I'll bet most of us do.
Word use is very dependent on where you live. America's "flashlight" = England's "torch". America's "trunk" = England's "boot". Even pronunciation varies (schedule, jaguar). I'm assuming that Pathfinder is available outside the US, and therefore I'm OK with the plural variant.
I laughed and laughed at the names of the rooms in the colossus. Perfect for this villain!
I laughed and laughed at the names of the rooms in the colossus. Perfect for this villain!
I'll second that!
Trevor has a real knack for putting together some of the best, and most entertaining, material I've seen. So, when I read the names of the various rooms, I took them in two ways...1) it's obviously what a pompous, self-absorbed guy like Hecataeus would name them, and 2) it's exactly what a humorous guy like Trevor would assign them.
Solid on both counts,
--Neil
Hmmm, shades of Clash of the Kingslayers, which docked it a point for me. Decent and solid but didn't ooze flavor IMO. Some spelling errors. Pass in favor of others.
Chief Technical Officer
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I think this is the sticking point - if both are correct... then what exactly is the problem with using EITHER WORD? Why call it out as an error, as something that should be corrected, when it's already correct?
Though I really don't want to restart debate on this, there actually is a really, really good answer to this question. Even though more than one choice may be "correct," editors need to apply consistent usage rules across manuscripts coming from multiple authors. Fortunately for us, dictionary editors go to the effort of determining which variants are in more common usage, and they place them first in their listings. Thus, the easiest way to ensure consistency is this: make sure all editors have the same dictionary, and have them always use the version that that dictionary lists first.
For both the flower and the eyeball version of iris, the dictionary I've got says "plural: irises, also irides," so even though neither form is wrong, "irises" is the one that's right.
Now let's let folks get back to talking about the Lonely Colossus.
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RPG Superstar 2009 Top 8
aka Tarren Dei
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I think this is the sticking point - if both are correct... then what exactly is the problem with using EITHER WORD? Why call it out as an error, as something that should be corrected, when it's already correct?Though I really don't want to restart debate on this, there actually is a really, really good answer to this question. Even though more than one choice may be "correct," editors need to apply consistent usage rules across manuscripts coming from multiple authors. Fortunately for us, dictionary editors go to the effort of determining which variants are in more common usage, and they place them first in their listings. Thus, the easiest way to ensure consistency is this: make sure all editors have the same dictionary, and have them always use the version that that dictionary lists first.
For both the flower and the eyeball version of iris, the dictionary I've got says "plural: irises, also irides," so even though neither form is wrong, "irises" is the one that's right.
Now let's let folks get back to talking about the Lonely Colossus.
I've enjoyed the debate and look forward to responding after voting closes.
Before I begin, let me say congrats on advancing.
I have tried to keep my comments related to issues which no one has mentioned. The one exception being that I CAN'T pass up a good debate (see above post). I hope it's more helpful than receiving the same comment a dozen times.
Additionally, I have tried to keep each round separate, critiquing each submission on its own merit. I liked your round 2 submission, but was not a fan of your round 3 submission. Conversely, I hated one contestant's round 2 submission, but loved their round 3 submission. So, that said, let me get to the point...
The more I think about this lair, the more I like it. It's currently in my top 2.
Here is what I like:
1) I feel that there were 4 submissions that really captured the personality of the villain. This was one, and therefore that puts you in my top 50%.
2) Your lair was interesting. It wasn't a boring rectangle (most real buildings are), and yet the shape made sense. It followed the contour of the body. It was perfect for a fantasy setting. Ignore the nay-sayers that try to tell you the "inside the statue" is overdone. Well, don't ignore them if they are paying you. However, there are many, many, many more adventures that take place in any one of the following locations: dungeon, caverns, castle, city, sewer, forest, jungle, desert, and underwater. At this point, I can’t think of a location that HASN'T been done. D&D has even done outer space. Write what YOU like. You'll be happier.
3) You kept the medium you were designing for (a single 8.5x11 page) in mind while you designed. Some of these maps look great, until you print them out. One of my "top 4" fell into that trap. Your map still looks good on the printed page, and is still easy to read when printed. You were given a set of instructions and had the self discipline to work within those guidelines. Nice work.
4) There were 4 multi-level lairs submitted (hard to do on a 8.5x11 page), and you made the best use of the 3rd dimension, both in floor plan design and in illustration.
5) I like the harpy. Great choice to use a creature with a personality as bad as Hecataeus's. Also, as mentioned before, I like the inside joke about the harpy's feelings toward Hecataeus. Inside jokes to the GM were one of my favorite parts of GM'ing "Paranoia." I love that stuff.
The Bad:
Not much.
1) More variety in the creatures would have been good. The inclusion of the harpy was nice, but a few more (different) constructs would have been appreciated. He is supposed to be the "Master of Constructs."
Over all, a very solid submission. You were either my favorite, or in the top 50% in almost every category I was looking at.
Unfortunately, since the boards somehow lost my post - again - I must be a bit briefer.
This was a strong contender for my top four, but ultimately, I thought Erics' sanctum was just a bit larger in scope. That said, this would make an excellent secondary lair (perhaps even in the same module) for Hecataeus; after all, a man of his staure deserves more than abode, surely. I hope you make it to the next round regardless, since I would like to see what sort of adventure you can put together.
RPG Superstar 2008 Top 32, 2011 Top 16
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Star Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka JoelF847
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I'll start my review by addressing the most important part of the entry. I really hope that Trevor admits at the end of this round that he just had a typo, and that all this debate over the correct plural wasn't needed. :)
I liked this entry quite a bit. It's clearly in the top 4, and hope to see you advance. The lair suits the villain well, and makes lots of strong connections to show that it's H's lair, not just some old lair. Interestingly, the two lairs that did this best were both H entries - which just goes to show what a great villain he evolved into.
For specifics, I really liked the location names, not only did they fit H's personality, but they riffed on the new names for the ability score enhancing magic items. I had a few problems with the head chamber though. I don't like that H could be encountered there, in the first room past an entryway. I think lots of players would check the head for a way in, ears, nose, mouth, and eyes are all possibilities, and it would be underwhelming to encounter the big bad guy right away. I'd have just removed the reference to him being there at times. Simply assume he's working in the workshop no matter when the PCs arrive.
The right shoulder seemed a bit weak of a challenge. I'd have upped it to multiple air elementals, or a huge or even elder one. The throat didn't need a CR 0 reference since there's no challenge there.
I was very puzzled that the shield guardians were encountered without their master. One of their biggest strengths is that they shield other and protect him. I'd have swapped them and the stone golems from the forge.
The harpy and the List of those that have wronged him were priceless details. Great job with those.
The forge doesn't actually list H in the short stat block section of creatures (same for the head I guess.) Also, it's mentioned "if the alarm is raised", but I don't see any mention in the entry of what raises the alarm. I would assume that being on a different level of the lair, with lots of stone between him and other areas, that H wouldn't hear fights elsewhere.
Good synergy with the shocking floor and the flesh golems. However, I was confused by the oubliette. How exactly would a PC be dropped into it as mentioned? The flesh golems don't mention that they have instructions to drop anyone in, and the grate is blocking the way - there's no mention of it opening (unless a PC lifts it). Finally, as a trap, it seems to have too high of a CR. Baleful polymorph is a 5th level spell, and should be comparable to a cone of cold trap from the beta rules (CR 11), and the summon monster II is a 2nd level spell, and therefore CR 3. Even if you throw in a 20 foot pit trap as CR 1, the combination should still be CR 11, not CR 13. Also, the DC seems too high, shouldn't it be DC 17? Finally, why is the rat's stats listed? Presumably, the only rat present is a PC if they succumb to the trap.
Overall, I think you put together a great lair (the map was very well done also), but not as great as the other H one, and unfortunately, not in my top 2. Hope to see you in the finals!
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RPG Superstar 2009 Top 8
aka Tarren Dei
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I'll start my review by addressing the most important part of the entry. I really hope that Trevor admits at the end of this round that he just had a typo, and that all this debate over the correct plural wasn't needed. :)
You're killing me here. Just killing me.
I liked this entry quite a bit. It's clearly in the top 4, and hope to see you advance. The lair suits the villain well, and makes lots of strong connections to show that it's H's lair, not just some old lair. Interestingly, the two lairs that did this best were both H entries - which just goes to show what a great villain he evolved into.
For specifics, I really liked the location names, not only did they fit H's personality, but they riffed on the new names for the ability score enhancing magic items. I had a few problems with the head chamber though. I don't like that H could be encountered there, in the first room past an entryway. I think lots of players would check the head for a way in, ears, nose, mouth, and eyes are all possibilities, and it would be underwhelming to encounter the big bad guy right away. I'd have just removed the reference to him being there at times. Simply assume he's working in the workshop no matter when the PCs arrive.
The right shoulder seemed a bit weak of a challenge. I'd have upped it to multiple air elementals, or a huge or even elder one. The throat didn't need a CR 0 reference since there's no challenge there.
I was very puzzled that the shield guardians were encountered without their master. One of their biggest strengths is that they shield other and protect him. I'd have swapped them and the stone golems from the forge.
The harpy and the List of those that have wronged him were priceless details. Great job with those.
The forge doesn't actually list H in the short stat block section of creatures (same for the head I guess.) Also, it's mentioned "if the alarm is raised", but I don't see any mention in the entry of what raises the alarm. I would assume that being on a different level of the lair, with lots of stone...
Thanks for your feedback, Joel.
I'm asking for your votes. I'd love to show you the adventure proposal I have been putting together.
I hope you're reworking it to include as many obscure plurals as possible.
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Made before reading other reviews:
Map cohesion/clarity, Mechanics, Playability, Fluff, Overall (includes grammatical and spelling errors).
Map cohesion: The map looks pretty good to me, but, as with the other Hecateus, it's kinda garish. If the base of the colossus picture was done by Gulliver himself, then kudos to you for awesome artwork (for a RPG writer, that is). If not, then we may be looking at plagiarism, which is a big no-no in these contests.
The map is pretty easy to read, once the reader gets past the flesh-colored floors and orange-yellow tiles. The stairs are a common problem for most mappers, but Gulliver seems to have done well there. Out of 10: 9
And since I've got three minutes left, I'm gonna go with the average, 5, for the rest of the sections. Overall, out of 40: 24.
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RPG Superstar 2009 Top 8
aka Tarren Dei
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Made before reading other reviews:
Map cohesion/clarity, Mechanics, Playability, Fluff, Overall (includes grammatical and spelling errors).
Map cohesion: The map looks pretty good to me, but, as with the other Hecateus, it's kinda garish. If the base of the colossus picture was done by Gulliver himself, then kudos to you for awesome artwork (for a RPG writer, that is). If not, then we may be looking at plagiarism, which is a big no-no in these contests.
The map is pretty easy to read, once the reader gets past the flesh-colored floors and orange-yellow tiles. The stairs are a common problem for most mappers, but Gulliver seems to have done well there. Out of 10: 9
And since I've got three minutes left, I'm gonna go with the average, 5, for the rest of the sections. Overall, out of 40: 24.
Voting is closed so I can respond: There are no copyright issues with the image so thanks for the kudos. I've been working with publications of some sort since I was 17 so I'm a Jack of all trades and master of none.
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RPG Superstar 2009 Top 8
aka Tarren Dei
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Initial Review
Ugh. The "fortress in the statute" gag is so overdone.
Yeah, I can see that ... but with a name like Trevor Gulliver (Gulliver's Travels) you have to expect I'm going to go for a giant/colossus gag at some point.
Frankly, I thought it was less overdone than a wizard in a tower or a house with caverns underneath or an abandoned dwarven fortress or ... or ... or ...
Besides,
we learn in Burnt Offerings that Thassilonians built many of these sentinal statues. Indeed, building really big monuments to themselves to make the people tremble seems to be their main form of governance. (Modern day parallels anyone?). We've seen one in Thistletop. I believe that this is how Hecataeus would react on finding one.
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RPG Superstar 2009 Top 8
aka Tarren Dei
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Imaginative and cool.
Thanks.
The summon monster VI trap in 3a should tell me what monster appears and should give me some tactics it will use.
It did. I wasn't sure where to put the creature description (above or below) in the case of a summon monster trap. I put it above following the format given.
I was glad to see the harpy encounter because so many golem encounters are going to have the players running rogues, wizards, and sorcerers wanting to go home. (That said, given the nature of the villain, they should be expecting it.)
Rogues have a bit more variability in Pathfinder and the number of magic traps will make wizards indispensible.
It’s dangerous to put comments in read-aloud text that assume the PCs have been in other rooms, like in area 8, where you state, “Several identical, and by now familiar, statues stand in formation near the center of the south wall.” The reason this is dangerous is that at this level, it’s fairly likely that the PCs will use stone shape, passwall, teleport, or some other means to get inside. Any room of this place could be their first room.
Good advice. I will remember that.
You do a good job of providing the DM with the details needed to use this in a game (door stats, passwords, etc.)
I like the commentary of how Hecataeus uses each chamber. This lair really utilizes and expounds upon the nature of its villain. Which is always good.
Thank you very much.
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RPG Superstar 2009 Top 8
aka Tarren Dei
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The "lair in a statue" element doesn't bother me, but the comparison to the other Hecataeus lair isn't always favorable. This has less constructs and a different sense of Hecataeus's massive ego. The traps are perfectly in keeping with what Hecataeus should be setting up, and yet I'm not convinced by some encounters (the harpy seems odd, and the elemental just seems a bit tacked on).
It's a good lair, and Monte's right that all the elements needed to run the game are there. But little things are missing. I'd love to have at least one solid role-playing encounter in this, but constructs don't lend themselves to that. And the text flow is pretty choppy.
Any one of the little problems alone might not be so bad, but in RPG Superstar the bar gets higher every round, so...
Not recommended.
In an earlier draft I had the harpy as a roleplaying encounter but I cut it for lack of words. I agree there is definite room for improvement in this. I won't make excuses though.
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RPG Superstar 2009 Top 8
aka Tarren Dei
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I don't mind the "dungeon in a colossus" angle... except that it's the same concept that won RPG Superstar last year (and is now a published adventure, Clash of the Kingslayers). So you've hamstrung yourself by not only using an idea that's been done before, it's an idea that everyone submitting for this contest should be familiar with because it won the contest last year.
Hmmm, ... I was thinking more of Skull Crossing, Thistletop, and other Thassilonians stuff. I wondered if it was too much of the same for Varisia. I think Christine's submission is very different.
Stylistically, there are things here that you need to train yourself to write correctly. Ability scores, feats, and skill names are always capitalized. So it's Strength check, Disable Device, and so on. Spell names are not capitalized, so it's summoned monster IV (the Roman numeral is capped, of course, as is the spell name when it's part of the trap), magic mouth, and so on.
Inconsistent use of italics for spell names.
Yes. These are things I have to learn.
Spelling errors that a spell-check would catch ("irides," the European spelling of "smolder," "bullrush" rather than "bull rush," "dias").
"Smolder" makes me sad. I'm really attached to the extra 'u' in there. "The rubble smoulders". But, okay, I should have switched in a U.S. English spellchecker. ... I really thought it was 'smoulders'. So sad.
As for 'irides' ... I've really enjoyed reading the debate there. As an applied linguist, this kind of debate is right up my alley and I think both of you made some very good points.
It wasn’t a typo. I chose ‘irides’ because I thought of it as the more correct form. (I used to proofread science articles including a batch on using eye movement trackers to replace computer mice for people with disabilities. I learnt 'irides' was the only correct form there.) I was careful not to use it in the read aloud text as I thought that might cause confusion. In retrospect, I should have just used the singular and written “flying through either three foot diameter iris.”
If I was ever doing so work for Paizo and you told me “Trevor, you self-important jerk, it’s octopussies not octopodes,” I’d simply change it or, if I wasn't convinved 'octopussies' was correct, I'd switch the subject to the singular and avoid any problem. An easy fix.
Still, I really enjoyed that discussion and wished I could have participated.
The backwards-Hecateus-name password is cheesy (appropriate for the original, laughingstock version of this villain, but not for the more serious reboot). I don't even know how to pronounce "Sueataceh"... if you're going to reverse a word, you might want to spell it phonetically so at least the GM has an idea of how to say it if the PCs use magic to discern it (su-ee-ah-taw-keh?). Gygax used reversed-names all the time, but they were much easier to pronounce (Xagyg, Drawmij, Norebo, etc.).
I was thinking more along the lines of otherwise really smart guys who use their names spelt backwards for passwords. .
Yes, I did try to walk a thin line between Hecataeus the joke and Hecataeus the joke who will kill you dead. I tried to balance his ego with his maliciousness. I liked the idea of players starting off with a lot of joshing and ending up realizing they had to take this guy seriously or die. I'm not sure if I made this lair deadly enough for that though.
Altogether, I think this is a decent encounter site... just not up to par with what we expect for RPG Superstar this round. That, and that it's similar to last year's entry, and has simple formatting and spelling problems, makes me inclined against advancing it.
Everyone brought good lairs this round. I have no argument against your final assessment. ;-)
If I was ever doing so work for Paizo and you told me “Trevor, you self-important jerk, it’s octopussies not octopodes,” I’d simply change it or, if I wasn't convinved 'octopussies' was correct, I'd switch the subject to the singular and avoid any problem. An easy fix.
For the record, I'm not so much of a jerk as to say that. ;) I like giving constructive criticism if it helps you be a better writer or designer. At most, for this sort of thing, I'd say "for future reference, Paizo style is to do it this way."
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RPG Superstar 2009 Top 8
aka Tarren Dei
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If I was ever doing so work for Paizo and you told me “Trevor, you self-important jerk, it’s octopussies not octopodes,” I’d simply change it or, if I wasn't convinved 'octopussies' was correct, I'd switch the subject to the singular and avoid any problem. An easy fix.For the record, I'm not so much of a jerk as to say that. ;) I like giving constructive criticism if it helps you be a better writer or designer. At most, for this sort of thing, I'd say "for future reference, Paizo style is to do it this way."
Hehehe. I know. I hope I didn't come across as serious! I can usually take constructive criticism well. I think in round 3 I didn't handle it as well as I should have and got a bit snippy but usually I can.
Hehehe. I know. I hope I didn't come across as serious! I can usually take constructive criticism well. I think in round 3 I didn't handle it as well as I should have and got a bit snippy but usually I can.
Yeah, just sayin'. My online self tends to come off a little harsh sometimes, I'm actually quite cuddly in person. Especially if you're cute and female. :)
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RPG Superstar 2009 Top 8
aka Tarren Dei
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Hehehe. I know. I hope I didn't come across as serious! I can usually take constructive criticism well. I think in round 3 I didn't handle it as well as I should have and got a bit snippy but usually I can.Yeah, just sayin'. My online self tends to come off a little harsh sometimes, I'm actually quite cuddly in person. Especially if you're cute and female. :)
Maybe it's the avatar. ;-)
I think my overly serious avatar doesn't reflect my lighthearted personality but it's too late to change it now. Yours does not say 'cuddly.' It kind of says ''Hi, I'm Mr. Snappyclaws.''
Congrats on making it as far as you did, Trevor, and I loved your work!
Good job Trevor. I enjoyed your submission and felt you were real close to moving on with this one.
Question 1:
Korvosan grocers, for a variety of reasons (such as problems with carts on anything other than terra firma, trouble with the local boggards, the midges...) tend not to venture very far into the Mushfens, and my impression of the Colossus' location is that it's well off the beaten track. So: basically not too convenient.
Question 2:
Although the current owner is a powerful wizard, he's one who likes to build his own workforce rather than employ conjured or summoned employees - which means it's safe to visit without worrying too much that he's going to try and trap you in a magic circle. That said, the location does have defenders, and it's probably a good idea to play to the owner's self-image by dressing for a social call to a very important person and to make an appointment beforehand, rather than just turning up unannounced in any rags.
Question 3:
That depends on the precise details of just how a succubus comes by ownership. A giant statue out in the middle of what is literally an unfashionable backwater (unless you're a fan of boggard society) isn't going to be much use for a succubus except as a pet project. At the very least it will require relocating and substantially remodelling both internally and externally. Given all the bothersome golems involved, ideally the current owner will still be handy to assist with such a task.
Other comments?
There's a lot of stone here. Heating this location properly is going to require a good deal of magic or relocation to a much warmer climate. The damp general environment of the Mushfens probably isn't too good for some materials when it comes to interior decorations or the long term prospects for some clothing materials.
Rating:
Nearly worthless in its current location, except as a retreat for an eccentric succubus. Strong possibilities for redevelopment though if the current owner can be made cooperative.