Lord Jeroim Borloz, the Diamond Dragon
Male Dwarf Expert2/Monk 11
Description:
Jeroim is the very portrait of a cultured merchant. His silver hair always drawn back into a flawless ponytail, his beard, a neatly trimmed goatee. His handsome face seems chiseled from granite, accented by an aquiline nose that leads to eyes of almost crystalline grey. It is the eyes that give pause, cold and hard, his gaze bores into the souls of those who dare to meet it.
Broad-shouldered and powerfully built, his well muscled frame refuses to be concealed by the elegant and expensive silks that drape it.
Motivations/Goals:
Jeroim had the misfortune of being born a dwarf. Suffocating under the constraints of a society that valued devotion to the clan over the drive and brilliance of the individual, he left his home after betraying his mining party to a Kobold encampment, collapsing the mine in exchange for a percentage of the future ore revenues, and faking his own death in the process.
Travelling the subterranean tunnels he would then meet his destiny at the claws of the Ancient blue dragon Braxulthis. In the young dwarf, the wise dragon saw greed of draconic proportions, and a total absence of conscience. He saw the soul of a dragon.
For one hundred years, Jeroim studied with his new Master. One hundred years to learn the Way of the Dragon. His body and mind made into the perfect weapons, the arts and philosophies of manipulation, intimidation, and blackmail mastered, all wrapped in a binding of iron discipline.
Now with his Master’s blessing, the new Jeroim has availed himself of all the surface world has to offer, setting himself up as a respected merchant Lord. His varied and diverse business ventures merely serve as a face for a rapidly growing criminal empire.
Perhaps the greatest and most terrifying philosophy he has put into practice is that of The Hoard. Every employee and contact, every underling and sycophant, from the corrupt officials and dark clerics to the hapless adventurers and drug addled wizards he manipulates; every man woman and beast his organization touches are part of his hoard. Assets; tools to be used in the hoard’s expansion, or weapons to be used in its defense.
Silver tarnishes, gold is soft;
Only diamond is perfect, diamond endures forever. – Mantra of the Diamond Dragon
Schemes/Plots/Adventure Hooks:
On the eve of the annual crop blessing ritual, the local druid circle is found murdered with all evidence leading to Gnoll activity. While the party investigates, a merchant comes to the people’s rescue with caravans of grain from his holdings in a neighboring region, sold at a slightly elevated price.
The PC’s are hired to eliminate bandits in the mountain passes by a rich merchant. The bandits are soon replaced by a far more organized and elusive outfit.
*DM note, a predominantly evil party could be the ones sent to eliminate the druids, or eliminate the bandits with full knowledge of setting up replacements.
Nicely done—tying the LE dragon to the LE monk discipline and applying it to running a criminal empire, very clever. And I like the subtle point that being lawful doesn't mean you have to have a conscience.
I can see this character manipulating things behind the scenes for weeks or months, with the PCs trying to "peel the onion" and find who's really behind all of their troubles, and him developing a grudging respect for their skill and tenacity.
Recommendation: Advance to the next round.
Initial Impression: A dragon-trained dwarf monk. Hmm. Not bad.
Word Count: 496.
Concept (name, title, is it actually a villain?, overall design choices, playability): B-
The Good: Good concept. Evocative image.
The Bad: I think a bit of the juicy backstory is wasted on the fact that the villain then goes on to be a merchant.
I mean, picture this: you just trained for 100 YEARS (one-hundred-freaking-years!) on kick-butt dragon kung-fu learning your skills from your actual dragon master in his underground lair, honing your skills against his claws and fangs, learning moves and techniques that no humanoid monk could ever know and you emerge to the surface world to…open a store?
Pfffffffffffft. Air out of the balloon.
Go forth and kick butt, my young dragon monk! Don’t hang your shingle in the local city. If ever there was a villain that needed an evil mountain lair and a school of evil monks, it is this guy!
Execution (quality of writing, hook, theme, organization, use of proper format, quality of mandatory content-physical description, motivation/goal, scheme/plot, presence of any disqualification criteria): B-
The Good: Reasonably well-written. OK, I like the Hoard thing. But I would like it more if it was a hoard of treasure acquired from the monks he has killed, attempting to erase any other school of martial arts from all of Golarion!
The Bad: I still can’t get past a guy spending 100 years with a dragon learning kung-fu only to open a shop.
Tilt (did it grab me?, is it unique and cool?, do I like it?, flavor and setting): B-
It got me, but I just can’t get passed what this submission doesn’t do. It fails to capitalize on its potential.
Overall: B-
A dragon kung-fu master who, rather than flashing claws of dragon death, decides to open a store.
Recommendation: I DO NOT recommend this villain submission for advancement. I sure wish they had done it my way, with flashing fangs and claws of nasty dragon-fu! Waa! Hiyah!
Mark did the hammerbane torc, which I liked alot! I wish you luck and hope the voters don’t hold your lack of maximizing your dragon-fu against you!
Kobold Press
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There's perhaps too much backstory here (it would not have suffered if the kobold bits or his youth had been compressed into half the space).
The dragon/monk/padawan angle is genius, and seeing the soul of a dwarf really excited me to see where this villain would go. Like Clark, I found the criminal enterprise is a bit of a letdown, honestly.
Stealing from caravans, robbing whole towns would be much more exciting. If he really has the soul of a dragon, where's his ambition, his ego?
So, big points on concept, some demerits on follow-through.
Recommendation: I'm a sucker for dwarves. Recommended with some reservations.
I agree that, while cool, the Diamond Dragon would be much cooler if he were more directly, dangerously evil than "corrupt merchant". I do like the idea of The Hoard, though.
I like this one too. He'd be an interesting foe for my players, and since one of them is a dwarf (LG cleric of Torag) I could see sparks fly as the two meet, a battle of wills as well as fists.
I'm going to read more entries before I declare my vote however.
Contributor, RPG Superstar 2008 Top 4, Legendary Games
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I like him, but then I like both dwarves and evil merchants. I like the exploration of the LE alignment and what this guy is all about.
This entry does spend a little too much time looking back (history) and not enough looking forward (goals) - if he's just another evil merchant, then I'd be tempted to side with Clark. He's a super-kick-ass dwarf monk, not just some dude with a lot of money and a bad attitude! That's always the sticky part with the "evil merchant" angle - are they just powerful because of their wealth and connections, or are they personally powerful NPCs with lots of levels?
I like this guy and think he's fun, and I was actually thinking about maybe ripping him off for my frozen north-styled campaign. I think he'd fit in well. I think he had potential to do more, and I know how bitterly hard it is to carve your way down to 500 words and hit all the marks you want to, but I think you have a decent shot to keep going.
Overall, I'd say good job but not great. You may have a little sweating to do come February 3rd to see if you got through.
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Marathon Voter Season 7
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I like what you have done and suspect that this is one going to get my vote, but I have to agree with others that the merchant angle is probably not the best and hope it gets jazzed up a bit. Make it clear(er) perhaps that his evil orginization is his real baby but being a merchant is the front he uses when in public.
Honestly, reading the feedback from authors and creators whose work I really admire, I'm somewhat blown away.
Thank you for your insightful critiques, I guess now it's up to the voices of the people.
Director of Brand Strategy
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I love it! I love the idea of a villainous monk, which I think is used far too infrequently, and a dwarven monk even less so. I also like that he isn't overtly a villain. No high castle on the hill and thunderstorm whenever he laughs. And when the PCs figure out that he is the bad guy, they still might not expect him to be a master of martial arts. I have had great experiences with unsuspecting parties letting their guard down around "unarmed" foes. Great work! I can't wait to see what comes next.
Marathon Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7
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Reckless Ratings
Concept3
(Is this villain villainous?)
Content5
(Grammar, Format,Spelling, Etc.)
Coolness4
(Would my players be impressed by this? Am I?)
Credibility4
(Does the villain’s motives make sense?)
Clarity4
(How good a sense of how to stat this villain do we get?)
Scores out of 5 and completely based on my opinion only.
Total Score20
I was all set for the evil nasty dwarven monk ... and I got a merchant who's actually running a criminal empire? I like both, but I want more on both, why he chose the way he did rather than just going out and kicking butts, taking names and taking over. A bit confused, but I like the core of it.
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Contributor, RPG Superstar 2008 Top 4, Legendary Games
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I love it! I love the idea of a villainous monk, which I think is used far too infrequently, and a dwarven monk even less so. I also like that he isn't overtly a villain. No high castle on the hill and thunderstorm whenever he laughs. And when the PCs figure out that he is the bad guy, they still might not expect him to be a master of martial arts. I have had great experiences with unsuspecting parties letting their guard down around "unarmed" foes. Great work! I can't wait to see what comes next.
I can definitely see this as a villain who provides a marvelous "OMG... it's YOU... it was YOU all along... I'm gonna get you, you hairy little" punch/kick/groin stomp "But... how did you do that? You're a MERCHANT. I... "
"You pathetic, ignorant fool. All of this has transpired according to my design. You think to lay a hand on me? I trained for a century with the mighty blue dragon [forgot the name]... you want a shot at the Diamond Dragon? Go ahead, punk. Make my day."
Y'know, something like that.
But while the reveal offers a lot of promise... I'm not 100% sold on the whole package.
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Contributor, RPG Superstar 2008 Top 6
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Dedicated Voter Season 6
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The background *might* snatch my vote in the end, although it made me think of bad kung-fu a bit much..."when you can snatch this copper piece from my claw"...but I too am falling down on a dwarven master of martial arts running a K-Mart. I'll have to sleep on it. I'm actually more interested in hearing more about the dragon sensei at this point.
I think that this is a villain who would have really benefited from a bit more explanation of his criminal empire. The concept is great, but if you had outlined some truly amazing criminal schemes, I think that it would have helped you, as it might have shown more connection with the unique monk training.
I do think that your concept will be more than enough to get you to the next round, and I'm looking forward to further submissions.
CR
Great villian with a lot of interesting twists. I don't even mind the 'merchant' angle, as I could work with that. Many villians of literature have hidden behind respectable faces. The unmasking of Lord Jeroim after he messes with the party's brains for a bit would be quite delicious.
I like dwarves, and monks are nice too, but have to echo others: after excessive backstory the motivations and plots fall short.
I am very tempted by this, it is fairly original, a socially powerful villain with an huge organisation and uses NPC levels which is nice to see. All around fairly cool
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RPG Superstar 2010 Top 16
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With respect to Clark and Wolfgang, I think they're missing the picture here. This guy isn't a merchant, any more than Lex Luthor is a manufacturer. Jeroim is out for power and control, not mere profit. Once he uses the party to accomplish one of his goal, he considers them "his". This dwarf is building an extensive Hoard-network of good, properties, agents, resources, and operatives. He'll be surprisingly hard to take down, and then his mentor will come onto the scene.
With respect to Clark and Wolfgang, I think they're missing the picture here. This guy isn't a merchant, any more than Lex Luthor is a manufacturer. Jeroim is out for power and control, not mere profit. Once he uses the party to accomplish one of his goal, he considers them "his". This dwarf is building an extensive Hoard-network of good, properties, agents, resources, and operatives. He'll be surprisingly hard to take down, and then his mentor will come onto the scene.
I have to agree. Mechant lord is a position of immense wealth and power. I would say that is is nothing more than a useful position to operated form; a means to an ends. Sure he can kicks the heads of most people with his super dragon martial arts, but what does that get him compaired to what he can earn with a legitimate trade house and a criminal empire?
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Marathon Voter Season 7
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With respect to Clark and Wolfgang, I think they're missing the picture here. This guy isn't a merchant, any more than Lex Luthor is a manufacturer. Jeroim is out for power and control, not mere profit. Once he uses the party to accomplish one of his goal, he considers them "his". This dwarf is building an extensive Hoard-network of good, properties, agents, resources, and operatives. He'll be surprisingly hard to take down, and then his mentor will come onto the scene.
I agree and I think the problem lies in the following paragraph, "Now with his Master’s blessing, the new Jeroim has availed himself of all the surface world has to offer, setting himself up as a respected merchant Lord. His varied and diverse business ventures merely serve as a face for a rapidly growing criminal empire. "
If it instead read, "...Jeroim avails himself of all the surface world has to offer, having established a vast and still rapidly growing criminal empire. His many and varied diabolical projects are hidden under a thin veneer of respectablity as Jeroim presents himself to the public as a respectable merchant," it might do a little better.
Still, I ended up voting for this one as I think its one of the best foundations from which to build among the contestants.
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Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Champion Voter Season 8
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Pros:
Greed, one of the staples of going evil, was well written. The writer loves his semicolons too. [bonus!] I got a good feeling for who this guy is...
Con:
...Which is why I can't vote yes.
Another Monk that fails to deliver the Chop-Suey experience I'm looking for when I see a high level monk. It was probably said above me, though I try not to read anything and skip to reply. he studied and learned, schemed, honed his mind and body into the ultimate, villainous, dwarven badass ever...only to become a merchant???
Weak.
Lord Jeroim is a merchant like Al Capone was a second-hand furniture dealer.
I don't see where the dislike is coming from!
The backstory is extensive, yes. But it also gives us an excellent feel for his future tactics and goals (killing his family for money -- not even money UP FRONT, but as an INVESTMENT! Brr!), his personality ("greed of draconic proportions...absence of conscience), further tactics ("arts and philosophies of manipulation, intimidation, and blackmail").... This isn't just backstory for backstory's sake. This is backstory as a primer in running the character and a preview of things to come.
The angle of a monk's discipline being used to further a criminal empire struck me new, and it's well-explained by the philosophy of The Hoard. Even good monks tend to be self-centered in their search for perfection. This guy takes that to new and VERY frightening levels of "only I have value."
My *only* concern is that, from the players' side of the table, all this history will come up too late to really change their experience of the character...but the dwarven, oops, monkish discipline and sharp-edged neatness of his appearance and bearing provide a nice point of differentiation from the stereotypical "whiney/wormy/sneaky evil merchant" AND from the "loud/obnoxious/corpulent evil merchant."
And THEN they try to shove him around and he breaks out the Crystal Claw stance.
Nice work!
Was that capitalizing of the word "kobold" meant to grab Wulf's attention? I kind of gagged on the words "Way of the Dragon". Dwarf monk brings to mind that horrible picture of the dwarf samurai in the Complete Warrior. But he does seem like a usable villain (but most likely an assistant to the real villain - the dragon.) Good luck!
I agree with Clark... Blue Dragon = Chaotic Evil, which really isn't the secretive evil that is shown here. I don't think Clark is calling on him to be a petty bandit, but rather a warlord who controls vasts sums of minions and uses them to get what he wants. If said wuxia dwarf really had the soul of his master, then he'd be unleashing the fury of one thousand roundhouse kicks upon the populace - most likely with an army of half-dragon ninjas and martial artists.
Definately fits into my campaign world.
I wish I had thought of him myself, but rest assured, you have my vote.
Blue Dragon = Chaotic Evil?
Lawful evil in everything I own...
woops! My mistake... but still, I feel the "evil dude at the head of a glorified thieves' guild" is overdone. I think it would be more attractive to me had he actually done something that involves his martial arts training, rather than have a criminal cartel. LE people can conquer, too!
I agree that the "just a merchant" angle is unfair. A good Lawful villain, even one trained for a century by a blue dragon, doesn't just run out and start smashing things up. No, he carefully builds up an organization, collects resources, prepares plans, etc. - and when ready, then he starts smashing things up.
I'll most likely be voting for this entry.
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Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Champion Voter Season 8
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I agree that the "just a merchant" angle is unfair. A good Lawful villain, even one trained for a century by a blue dragon, doesn't just run out and start smashing things up. No, he carefully builds up an organization, collects resources, prepares plans, etc. - and when ready, then he starts smashing things up.
I'll most likely be voting for this entry.
I would of vote for him if THATS where this villains story had started, not years before that happens.
I sure wish they had done it my way, with flashing fangs and claws of nasty dragon-fu! Waa! Hiyah!
Perhaps you might want to dial back the coffee consumption to, like, three pots a day? :)
Great description... drew me in right away! Good solid motivations as well, bolstered with a bit of a whimsical writing style. Good luck to you!
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thinking about it... i can see him as if Sean Connery was reborn dwarf and without conscience... educated, disciplined, mortal
I like the background adn the execution... still like greg I would have liked to see more of the dragon (besides the Horde thing) and the monk on him...
but maybe he was always a Merchant and he just learned Dragon-Fu to Discipline his mind... I can see him converting his gold to diamons just to have it Forever...
thinking this might be my 4th vote, it would have been the 1st because it wasthe 1stone I opened, but then decided to read one of a friend first.
3/10
I had to laugh at the phrase "the misfortune of being born a dwarf." Doesn't really grab me - a dwarven monk mastermind. Declaring a villain a mastermind doesn't automatically make him deep. And dragon learnin' makes you a monk?
Now THIS is a monk. Compare Lord Jeroim to Varrush. Varrush picked up a few things between orgies. Jerroim trained for a HUNDRED YEARS. THAT is the dedication I like to see in monks. Varrush plays Don King for a fighting contest. Jeroim studied under an actual dragon master. THAT is the pedigree I want to see. Good job.
Also, I've always had a fondness for dwarves. And unlike others, I don't see a problem with the merchant thing. The last PC I played succesfully convinced his entire adventuring party to become wine merchants. And I started playing in the middle of the campaign, with a group of guys I had never met until the first game night. I still chuckle about that. heh. I should run for office. Anyway...
The key to Jeroim is "the Horde". I had to re-read it to fully get it. He's Megalomaniacal. Not suprising, considering he spend 100 years with a dragon. That's got to warp a psyche. What's his, is his. What's your's, is his too. In fact, YOU are his. He wants it all.
Don't hate him for being a rich merchant. That's just one aspect of Jeroim, and a means to aquire MORE. He's also a bandit lord. He is a murderer. He extorts food to the starving. And it's not enough. He wants MORE.
My one complaint is that you dont tell us where the dragon fits in. WHY did he train Jeroim? It's not enough to keep me from voting for you, but it does keep this from being a perfect entry. Overall, good work.
I still have 14 more entries to read, but so far, Jeroim is a top contender.
At risk of ruining the fantasy atmosphere, I'd like to express my surprise at people who have problems taking an evil merchant seriously. Most of the real villains who are causing real problems to our real lives today are evil merchants. And I get the feeling that this guy will make Bernie Madoff look like Paul Newman. The Diamond Dragon would get my vote even if Mark weren't GMing my weekly Pathfinder game and hadn't threatened to kill my character if I didn't vote for him.
Err... that was a joke. Mark would never do such a thing. He is a fine upstanding citizen.
This guy definitely has my vote. He's a consummate villain whose goals extend beyond his next smash-and-grab or knife in the back. His financial machinations could nourish and beggar an entire kingdom several times over its lifespan thanks to a dwarf's longevity and his martial prowess would prove a nasty surprise for those seeking to physically remove him from his power base. I love it.
I notice a lot of people are conflicted with the "train for 100 years and then become a crimelord" focus.
Well, here's my thoughts on this. Would not a centuries old dragon teach a century+ old dwarf, patience? Ole' Jeroim can and will unleash his uber-dragon-kung-fu when the time and place is right! Patience grasshopper!
I absolutely love this villain. You've got one vote from me. This is one good way a true recurring villain should be designed. Colorful, hidden behind a veil of mystery and subterfuge, and ruthlessly ambitious.
My problem is that this guy is really a lieutenant. A lieutenant with ambitions but... already a few posters have referred to the dragon as the big bad. The dragon's more physically powerful and taught him everything he knows.
This guy is a creation of an existing big bad. That spells important minion, not villain to me.
What nags me is the question of how the dragon became a martial arts master, that he could school the dwarf?
Roguerouge --
On the subject of "not big bad,"
Q1: What is a "villain"?... A villain:
...
* Does not have to be a final boss, but he/she/it must be more than just a simple henchman
That leaves the door open, I think, to an Act Boss submission rather than "The" BBEG. And Jeroim is certainly capable of spawning plots and adventures on his own, before the dragon even becomes aware of the PCs -- he's hardly a simple henchman!
Just my two cents!
Thanks,
-S
That leaves the door open, I think, to an Act Boss submission rather than "The" BBEG. And Jeroim is certainly capable of spawning plots and adventures on his own, before the dragon even becomes aware of the PCs -- he's hardly a simple henchman!Just my two cents!
Thanks,
-S
Thanks for the rules cite. I had forgotten that.
I really feel that Jeroim is the Darth Vader to the Blue Dragon's Palpatine. Jeroim was one of my first votes, because he works so well in that capacity.
The dragon is also a CR20 monster, and monsters are monsters, and far easier to express than his mortal, mundane henchman. The dragon would have been a much harder sell in this round than Jeroim is, and that, I think, speaks an editorial eye that will serve well in this contest.
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RPG Superstar 2013
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Dedicated Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka Steven T. Helt
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Well....FINALLY!
Now...there's a lot that could be improved here, I think. That he learns the principle of the Hoard from his master. That he seeks a challenge and is territorial, like his master is known to be. That he won't accept brass coins or antiques would be a nice detail.
To me, he is a great middle encounter, and the dragon is the villain. Isn't Jeroim part of the dragon's hoard?
I also think a description of the adopted draconic fighting style would be fun. Also, a return to the kobold tribe to take over and funnel their earning to the dragon's hoard would justify the time you spent on Jeroim's youth.
But you've still given me one of the top two villains so far. The mercantile thing makes a nice cover, but should only go that far. Dragon's don't trade for gold. They take what they want by semi-divine right. You can blend a Lawful alignment with that ethos.
Also...consider your mechanical decisions while you write your villain. His strange departure from the dwarven way might be easily explained in that he has a long dormant blue dragon bloodline. No you've got some synergy in your story and don't doubt the power of that.
Good job. Easily one of my votesfor this round at this point.