Richard "Hamster" Hammond's page

(Sometimes I forget which aliases I have.)

Me, I'm just a lawnmower

You can tell me by the way I walk

I F*CKING HATE THAT SONG!!!

I have this vision of squirrels skipping across the yard carrying tiny protest signs calling for an end to the gentrification of their neighborhoods.

If that's all that happens, Rags will have gotten off lucky.

How many car models on the market today are there that can reach 150 mph?

Well, if the cliff, mountainside, or cargo helicopter/aircraft is high enough, all cars can reach 122mph at least once. To go faster, you could install ACME® (#1 With Coyotes!™) solid fuel or liquid propellant rockets.

Red Wine is red!

Then what the hell have I been drinking!!

Looks down at the plastic container with Antifreeze blacked out and "100% authentic Red Wine" written in.

Dang it! Not again!!

Captain Oblivious, are you perhaps related to Captain Slow?

(The last letter of "2021" would be "e", right?)

EXTRA! SIMIAN GOVERNMENT EXTRAORDINARY-RENDERS FORMER TOP GEAR HOST FOR CRIMINAL "TOXIC" MISREPRESENTATION
Spokesape: "Jezzer was outcast decades ago, and his sexist, racist, homophobic views were never representative of the enlightened Simian races."

RAF: KURU, JEZZCANTHROPY EPIDEMICS ON CLARKSON ISLAND SUCCESSFULLY ERADICATED BY HI-EX/INCENDIARY BOMBARDMENT; inside Entertainment section

Galactic Touring: Hamster (an excitable Ysoki), Jezza (a phlegmatic, middle-aged human) and Captain Slow (a Korasha Lashunta with a dry, sarcastic wit) gush over - and sometimes test to destruction - the latest starships for your viewing pleasure. Some of the tests are rather silly, like comparing a particularly inexpensive light freighter to a top of the line fighter, which was last done in Season 8, but (with the assistance of their tame fighter pilot, Stickman) they still manage to give some good information despite their relatively silly format.

It's pretty good. Their attempts (and ultimately, failure) to destroy a HiLux Spacecruiser were both informative and highly entertaining.

wore werring mre iwf dwis gwuy waws fwour fweet twall hwe cwoudlwnt gwet twen gwenadwes iwn hwere?

Need a new ysoki combat feat (or trio of style feats) for ysoki "grenadiers" who fill their cheek pouches with grenades and then spit them at enemies.

Yes! As someone who was mauled repeatedly by cats trying to impress girls in high school i can attest to that.

That's rubbish. Girls in high school are largely unimpressed by both boys being mauled by cats and the mauling cats themselves.

High school girls are, however, impressed by the ability of high school boys ability to perform a handbrake turn... as demonstrated by a not-a-hamster, an orangutan, and the world's slowest man.

{suplexes a brie}

Squeak! Squeak, I tell you, SQUEAK! {punches chunk of cheese}

pezlerpolychromatic wrote:

Last day for prizes....... *summons epic wild mage powers to bend reality to his advantage*

-A horde of hamsters appear-

ShadeKyubi, we have hamstersign the likes of which even Cos has never seen. {cue Toto guitar riffs}

*casts summon Velcro beneath them, resumes twisting the guidelines of the universe*

{ignores Great Convention ban, uses atomics to break through the Velcro Wall}

Perhaps a cage match is needed, perhaps with a certain moldy pumpkin being operated by Don Bluthian mice bent on human (and cat) extinction.

What could go wrong? How hard can it be?

Cats don't even care that Jezzer, Captain Slow, and I are back in The Grand Tour starting November 18th on Amazon Prime.

Apparently slaadi brains have low Will saves against TV shows about overhyped, loud, expensive things.

And also the cars.

Nobody's that consistently offensive on accident, though.

Jeremy Clarkson?

Isn't "TOZ" one of those automotive engineering terms about which James May will talk your ear off?

Bill the Gerbil wrote:

Squeak.

SQUEAK.

SQUEAK! SQUEAK! I tell you! SQUEAK! {beats up cheese}

I was hoping for spoilers. ;)

{puzzled} As the booth and displays are non-moving, spoilers won't generate any downforce to improve handling.

christos gurd wrote:

"intelligence and motor skill challenges"

Isn't motor skills dexterity?

They also made her break down and reassemble a carburetor while blindfolded.

She was being tested to become one of the new hosts of Top Gear?

... – – – ...

... – – – ...

... – – – ...

Some say...

The scientists at CERN discovered he's the freelancer particle holding the Pathfinder 3PP community together...

And his tango on Dancing with the FaWTLies scored a perfect 10 from the judges, until he was disqualified for ripping two of the judges' faces off...

All we know is he's called The Taig. Or the Rawr!

Twist! BB-8 is actually powered armor for the new Cricetinaen race.

{wanders in, with the job listings rolled up under one arm} I blame Cosmo for Jeremy Clarkson being a self-absorbed inconsiderate orangutan-y pillock.

{corpse continues to molder in Porsche-shaped mouse trap under the sink}

Funny you mention Cyric just after hammy gods/priests...

In my Pool Of Radiance campaign there is a cleric of Cyric in a fellow competitors/allies NPC adventuring band. He is quite unhinged and quite hammy.

Quite Hammy? That sounds fun.

Paul Newman contracted Converse Engineering to rebuild three new 1995 Volvo 960 station wagons with a 400hp Bell-supercharged 5.0 liter Ford 302 V8 engine. The numerous revisions included moving the firewall so the new V8 would fit in the engine bay and a custom engine-management chip for the unique powertrain combination. Newman kept one of the Volvos for himself; the other two went to businessman Ian Warburg and to Newman's friend, David Letterman. Letterman still owns the Volvo, which you can see driven in his 2013 CiCGC interview/chat with Jerry Seinfeld.

{shakes in fury} YOU! You tree-hugging hybrid-loving despot! Your kind set enragingly low speed limits, economy-stifling gas taxation, and nannystate safety regulations! You want to save spotted owls and stupid songbirds, yet you wish to forever silence the sweet sonorous rumble of the increasingly rare Detroit V8! You want hybrids and electrics everywhere, and the rest of us gas holdouts shoehorned into piddling little 2-cylinder runabouts! You want nothing less than the extinction of The Supercar!

You are dead to the feeling of wind rushing past your face, of high G handling pressing you into your seat bolsters, of the roar of 12 supercharged cylinders of 800+ horsepower thrumming through the car's frame and up your spine! DIE YOU JOY-HATING FASCIST! {savagely gnaws Hippeh's ankle}

{pops out of hole in wall} Hello chaps! Would any of you by any chance have a thimble full of sugar I might borrow?

"Two little mice fell into a bucket of cream.

The first mouse quickly gave up and drowned, but the second mouse, he struggled so hard that he eventually churned that cream into butter and he walked out.
Amen."

And then the second mouse said to no one in particular, "Gee, Brain, what do you want to do tomorrow?... Brain?"

Electric Wizard wrote:

The new cross-guard is stupid. It represents yet another Elitist's hatred for Star Wars Fans, because we all know *what* a light saber can do and showing this cross-guard to us is basically the same as flipping us the bird, and yelling, "F.U. Star Wars Fans, I can do whatever I want to your icons, and I know you'll still pay me off handsomely, with ca$h, in the end... b1tches."

Yep.

We Star Trek fans warned you.

And I really hope the trailer is fake, because that soccer-ball-droid looks terrible...

Nonsense, that droid complies with all the new Galactic Alliance regulations for ecologically-friendly, low-power robotics.

{ignores naysayers, listens to the new Janna Hayspice album}

Rats can't vomit or belch.

A duck that's a high-level spell caster. (She was hit with a baleful polymorph, failed the first save but made the second.)

Or an apprentice wizard that botched casting polymorph and got stuck as a chicken.

Rats can't vomit or belch.

Jeremy Clarkson is the smartest, most reasonable, non-orangutan human I've ever met.

Also, bird house nearly complete. It may not look perfect, but it'll work.

Thank you for feeding us hungry yard rodents. When the Nuttening comes, we'll acorn you last.

That's just something he and The Brain try to do every night.

The same thing we do every night, Dingo — try to take over petitions.whitehouse.gov!

Pinky: Gee, Lamontius, what do you want to do tonight?

Lamontius: The same thing we do every night, Pinky - try to grapple a succubus!

I blame Cosmo that Warner Bros and Marvel don't get along, and so we'll never see a Pinky and the Groot cartoon.

I am Grooot.

Umm, I think so, Brain, but what if the chicken won't wear the nylons? Narf!

They would be an interesting choice for the Iron Gods AP... think of all the wires and cables just waiting to be chewed.

Was it the new "Pinky and the Brain" video where Brain vents his frustrations?

You'll have to Google it; I don't think I'm allowed to link to it for the NSFW swearing by LaMarche and Paulsen.

Hey, <hic!> there's nothink-, knothin-... It is fine <hic!> to be a soused rodent, as long <hic!> as you won't be driving.

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Merisiel, how fast do you think you could drive a Reasonably Priced Chariot around our track?

{whispers:} It's too quiet in here.

Been thinking about an alternative. A passenger hovercraft that uses the half transformer tech to charge its lift turbines and lift the vehicle while electric jet turbines propell it down the tunnel. Slightly different to the hyperloop with its air bearings but not by much. Our vehicle is now able to enter and exit the hyperloop pipe as though it were a hovercraft. This greatly reduces the tech needs of hyperloop stations.

Hovercraft are not easy to build, fuel-efficient, quiet, or safe to humans.

As someone who lives in Australia, I cannot in any way recommend supporting the loutish, boorish and small-minded Australian team.

Well, you cant trust anyone that drives upside down.

Meanwhile...

Hey! Where'd my tunnel go?! It was right here and now it's gone! This must be Jeremy's fault somehow.

FOR THE LAST TIME, I DON'T USE TEETH WHITENER!!!

Drejk wrote:

Liz Courts wrote:

Cosmo: This is by far the best song ever to come out of the speakers in your car.

I dread to ask but... What music gained Cosmo's approval?

Note: It was not my car (I have awesome music in my car).

But the song was this.

I just assumed it was God playing his guitar through the sound system on the new Cee-Apostrophe-D.

There is such thing as an ergonomic mouse.

Hamsters, however, are highly ergonomic, exceptionally telegenic, and possess natural enzymes that keep their teeth brilliantly white. And they can rapidly turn high-performance tires into clouds of smoke whilst chatting incessantly.