Evil Kjeldorn's page

Quick poll: What's a good way to get acquainted with some neighbors I've had 1 - 2 conversations with?

Suggest wife-swapping?

Pray that I don't!

Since there would be naught left of earth but dust, suffering and despair! As I created and destroy as my whim dictates.

I shall fill the canvas of universe with my creations, just to sweep them away at the first monment of boredom.
I shall use the faintest of thoughts to spark creation anew, let it develop by chance, just to end it at an likewise faint and arbitrary thought.
I shall proclaim myself as the only one true God of the universe, in any reality and timeline!
And Finally…
When I'm no longer entertained, fascinated, honored or feel impelled by the power the gauntlet has given me, I shall start the univers anew, with but two fundamental differences...
One, that there shall be an eternal 'me' watching the universe, with the sole purpose of telling the story of my acts and atrocities, to those capable of seeking me out...
And Two, that there can never again, in any reality, be another infinity gaunlet...never another set of infinity stones.

Back in Singapore.

*Cackles menacingly*

Excellent! All the piece are in place then.

Time to launch my attack on Singapore!

...by land...on a bicycle!

… "So, remember last week, when Mom made--I know this isn't the right word--squirrel for dinner?"

*Hands LM 'Mort's little friends' carcass*

Fine eatin' if I do say so myself!

^^

Say hello to my little friend

Argh!!!

Durn varmint!

*Takes aim with a .22 rifle*

Just a Mort wrote:

It's 79 F and I'm going to be freezing my fur off tonight =(

*Is fundamentally torn between his two natures*

She's nekkid! Quick grab a camera!

I plan on starting my political run in 2020 with a few simple rules:

(1) I will refuse to mention any other candidates or answer questions about them. My entire focus will be on *my* vision, and answering questions about *it*.

(2) I will refuse ALL political donations, even from family, and rely entirely on "free" media to advocate my candidacy.

(3) I will not join a political party. Period.

My bet is that I don't even get past the citywide election, but it'll be fun to try to run as a principled, honest candidate. How could I possibly win?

EDIT: OK, there's also that I'm ludicrously conservative for Albany/Berkeley, and that might sink my chances right there, but compared to what passes for "conservative" these days I'm a flaming liberal.

I plan on starting my hostile takeover…errr…world conquest…hmm...'suckering people into voting for me' in 20?? though there will be a few thing I'm not too keen on compromising on:

(1): I'll not take the title of 'president', 'head of state' or the like. Anything less then 'God-Emperor of Mankind' would be an offence to the office.

(2): Working for my government means working part-time on my sprawling opulent estate. In other words, you might be on my council of ministers aiding in the usual running of my government, but you'll also be expected to do gardening, chauffeuring or warming my bed.

(3): Everyone shall be insured a basic 'universal income' and a basic level of insurance and health benefits, provided they accept their government mandated responsibilities, submit to universal conscription when needed (which will be frequently), and by the state mandated religious universalism (ie all religions are equal, and ultimately just an expression of the same thing).

Edit: Yes...
I kind of want to make a 40k-esque world with me at the top ruling with a mailed spiked fist!

Mort Fur-real finds Puns to be Purr-fect. She's really feline those Hiss-terical puns.

*Breaks into the thread, looking dirt, disheveled and wild eyed*

Comedy is Dead! Comedy remains dead and Puns have killed it!

Canicula agathion, finder of evil, eater of snacks.

*Storkes beard, with a glint in his eyes*

"I eat Corgis…"

*Grins menacingly*

…

I can see you guys chaining me in the kitchen and making me mass produce pizzas =(

Tsk Tsk kitty…

The bedpost? ;)

That's…An incredibly good try though

Still leaves me with a messy house, so no.

"...The Paladin is an extended gutter and that gutter is (now) full of mediocrity and when the drains finally scab over all the paladin-players will drown. The accumulated privilege of all their former power and smugness will foam up about their waists and all those players and fans will look up and shout "Save us!"... and I'll look down, and whisper "No."

Cause people like me has to be kept "gainfully employed"?
Tradition and orthodoxy maybe?
Since Alignment is such a ingrained part of the system (and systems flavour) that it would require actual work to separat them?
Because there "might" be a possibility to remove Alignment once we get the finished product?
Requirements and limitations are fun I guess?
Since it creates creative barriers, thus make people think in skewed, strange or contradictory ways?
(Like experimenting with a puppy/kitten-kicking Iomedaean (ex-?*)Paladin turned multi-class priest of Gorum…cause that seemed fun)

* Who might/might-not still be a Paladin, as she technically advances in levels as a Paladin (thus is one? *shrugs*), while any such advancement actually gain her Cleric abilities (some of the time at least)…
Heck I just classify her as a martially inclined apostate, who's kept her "training", while learning the mystical traditions of another church.

So Sunday night I was unpacking the massive carton with all of our ooooold D&D manuals, maps, AP's, back-issues of Dragon Magazine, etc.

And Hermione and Teensy Valeros immediately dived onto the hoard, and as Val read aloud from an old Monsters Manual, he asked, "Mama, what's a Schoolbus?"
"What? You know what a schoolbus is."
"No, not a school bus, a skoobus... soocoobus?"
And I started laughing like crazy, which pissed him off, because how could I explain to my five year old how visions of a "The Magic Succubus" cartoon were now invading my brain? Ride on The Magic Succubus! It's educational! Plus, Lily Tomlin can still do the voice.

*Nods approvingly*

Yea those schoolbuses are temperamental pieces of equipment.
Really old-school...
Can get really stiff in the transmission, if it doesn't get lubricated properly.
You also have to learn to properly massage that clutch to find the smoothest clutching-point, or else you'll just hear her grind those transmission-teeth.
But, do it right and hearing her revving up...
Gods!

*Gets a slight disturbing inward look on his faces, while biting his lower lip and clutching the air, like his sitting at the wheel of a vehicle*

Yes please!

*opens mouth wide ready to catch and eat them as they come.*

Besides, why would I even bother with a s*ck-joke...

*Gives Mort a loving nuzzle*

Vidmaster7 wrote:

No Gran we aren't allowed to do the cannibal thing anymore.

I think you'll find that it is less that we aren't allowed to and more that we have been asked not to. Also, I forgot. Sorry.

*Sniffles, while putting his steak knife'n'fork set, bib and "how to serve man" book away*

Evil Kjeldorn wrote:

Just a Mort wrote:

Evil Kjeldorn wrote:

Just a Mort wrote:

gran rey de los nekkid wrote:

Nutella is marketed as a spread for toast and waffles, when really any self-respecting adult eats it the way nature intended: licking it from the back of a spoon while hiding in the pantry.

Possibly while nekkid.

(Except for me. I don't like it. Hazelnut, blergh.)

I do not lick it from the back of the spoon. And I don’t hide in the pantry. I walk in there openly.

>_>

<_<

*Sneaks into the pantry while nekkid, with a bucket full of Nutella and a mason trowel*

*Slick!, spread!, pan!, re-spread. level!*

Oh Mort! someone left a treat for you in the pantry!

*paddypaws into the pantry to lap up the Nutella, paying the nekkid red-headed viking no heed*

*Giggles uncontrollably as Mort licks off all the Nutella he'd smeared all over his nekkid form*

*ignores the nekkid Viking in her bliss of having a Nutella treat*

*Once she's done "cleaning" off the Nutella, he picks Mort up and gives her a long drawn-out hug and a mighty nuzzle too, as a 'thank you'*

What? Evil people can be thankful and loving too you know :P

Evil Kjeldorn wrote:

Just a Mort wrote:

gran rey de los nekkid wrote:

Nutella is marketed as a spread for toast and waffles, when really any self-respecting adult eats it the way nature intended: licking it from the back of a spoon while hiding in the pantry.

Possibly while nekkid.

(Except for me. I don't like it. Hazelnut, blergh.)

I do not lick it from the back of the spoon. And I don’t hide in the pantry. I walk in there openly.

>_>

<_<

*Sneaks into the pantry while nekkid, with a bucket full of Nutella and a mason trowel*

*Slick!, spread!, pan!, re-spread. level!*

Oh Mort! someone left a treat for you in the pantry!

*paddypaws into the pantry to lap up the Nutella, paying the nekkid red-headed viking no heed*

*Giggles uncontrollably as Mort licks off all the Nutella he'd smeared all over his nekkid form*

gran rey de los nekkid wrote:

Nutella is marketed as a spread for toast and waffles, when really any self-respecting adult eats it the way nature intended: licking it from the back of a spoon while hiding in the pantry.

Possibly while nekkid.

(Except for me. I don't like it. Hazelnut, blergh.)

I do not lick it from the back of the spoon. And I don’t hide in the pantry. I walk in there openly.

>_>

<_<

*Sneaks into the pantry while nekkid, with a bucket full of Nutella and a mason trowel*

*Slick!, spread!, pan!, re-spread. level!*

Oh Mort! someone left a treat for you in the pantry!

Just a Mort wrote:

Pallies are trouncing my zoolock =(

And I can't baku pally their sorry arses since my quest is to win with warlock.

Zoolock, a biddly deedle dooble docky sock, vrock rock a roonie, baku that pally babap a bop bedoo.

That's hep-talk, man.

I know for sure

There ain't no squares

In Singapore.

Scat! Away from Mort you durned beatnik cat!

*Pounds his bongo's improvisationally a few times for emphasis!*

Just a Mort wrote:

Snowpocalypse sounds awesome but I'd probably freeze and form a cat popsicle

** spoiler omitted **

Man, that is one cat I would enjoy eating!

** spoiler omitted **

*Looks around the thread-corner, while wearing a bib and brandishing a knife and fork*

Someone said something about 'eating' cat?!

Do greens really scare you guys that much?

*Scowls, and wrinkles his nose*

But...
But..
But.
*Sniffles*
They are green! And icky! And smelly!
I want a streak-dinner for supper!
*rolls around on the ground, throwing a minor tantrum*

Evil Kjeldorn wrote:

gran rey de los mono wrote:

Well, I had this bit of slammin' salmon for you if you fell into the trap, but I guess TOZ gets it now.

*throws salmon to TOZ*

*Pops in wearing a fishing hat full of lures and hooks*

So Gran, I'm hoping to bag another salmon today.
You want another side of smoked salmon? seasoned with drow poison and powdered glass like the last batch?

Powdered glass doesn't work!

And drow poison is listed as Type injury in archive of nethys so it can't be used for spiking food!

Ohhh little kitty…

(logic: Injury-type poisons require access to the blood stream. -> Ground glass could especially in the 'chewing phase', cause minor cuts in the mouth, thus grant access to the blood stream (might also do so in the esophagus or stomach). -> Poisoned cat!)

Well, I had this bit of slammin' salmon for you if you fell into the trap, but I guess TOZ gets it now.

*throws salmon to TOZ*

*Pops in wearing a fishing hat full of lures and hooks*

So Gran, I'm hoping to bag another salmon today.
You want another side of smoked salmon? seasoned with drow poison and powdered glass like the last batch?

Heretic! Repent from your sins! Drink the heavenly tea instead of ghastly coffee!

For me it's more like I wouldn't be able to taste the difference between English Breakfast Tea, Irish breakfast tea and Scottish breakfast Tea.

Pfffff…

Ahahahahahhahahahahaha!

hahaha…

ha...

*Wipes eyes*

*Sips coffee*

Wanna know what tea is? Its hippie-fuel.

Short answer: Yes

Longer answer: Yes!!!

Detailed answer: For f!&!s sake Yes!!! Gods dammit!!!

Don't care about the name.
Don't care about the class' 'pedigree'.
Don't care about the traditions associated with it either!.

Once the play test comes out, I'll be taking a crowbar to the class! Beating it into a nice modular pulp, so I can re-assemble the pieces into a more pleasing image of a "Paladin"!
Why? Because I don't care about Alignment maybe?...
Listen, I just care about the story that any future 'paladin' players want me to help them tell, and as far as I can tell, there are more stories possible the less requirements we keep weighing down, that durned class with.

What's that I hear Mr. Player? You wanna do a witch-finder general type character, kicking down cellar-doors and dragging demon cultists to their fiery doom in the town square? Heck that could be done on the Paladin-chassis! Its a great fit! But oh no...there's all these requirements you have to operate under, oh and there's some questions about alignment too…
Phooey!
Why the heck shouldn't it be possible to modify that chassis to that idea fluently, simply and gracefully?
…
Orthodoxy!
That's why. No other reason is really needed.
Double Phooey!
…
No that's why the Paladin is getting the crow-bar. Because if we don't question him and his ilk, then all we have is orthodoxy.
Well, come playtest time, I'm nailing my theses to his fore-head! Orthodoxy be damned!

...

And yeah, I diss beards too^^

*Frowns, then smiles grimly while stroking his magnificent red beard*

You know what...
I'm feeling a mite peckish.
Maybe a bit of kitty would hit the spot...

*brandishes grill-spit, and looks around for Mort*

Just a Mort wrote:

pika?

*throws ball grenade*

FTFY

*Giggles uncontrollably*

In ROW I really felt sorry for the bad guys. It's a whole sob story behind most of the villains, and they were doing what they had to do to survive. I could understand their motivations, and that events had molded them into the villains the party faced...

Villain sob stories?!

Sure! We all have one!

Take this poster child of Evil, for example...

plump kitty is best kitty! breaks out seasonings

Sooo…

*Waggles eyebrows, baring a wide grin, and raises his hand for a high-five*

I'm betting Freehold wouldn't need 5 minutes to answer this question. In fact, I'm sure he already has an answer.

Hmmm

I've always been been a salt-of-the-earth type, so I guess one of these 'Earth Ponies' then.
Very Grayish or maybe even Black preferably.

A cutie-mark? What's that? Oh some kind of personal sigil that denotes a core part of my function or personality.
Then its an executioners hood, maybe crossed with an bloody axe.
I mean, I would probably be the royal executioner. A slightly chipper soul, who's job it is to dispose of the enemies of royalty. Dragging rebellious, treasonous or otherwise condemned ponies to their deaths, with a light steep and a small smile.
Maybe cracking a small joke or two along the way!
like "Don't worry so much! its nothing to lose your head over, its just your execution", while padding the condemned on the back.
Or
"Watch your step. We wouldn't want you to fall and break your neck now would we!", while guiding them up the steps to the gallows.

I'm stumped for a good name though…
'Choppy' doesn't sound kind of right...

Evil Kjeldorn wrote:

I did partition various cosmic power to give a helping hand in stomping the earth flat and stopping its rotation...

Haven't gotten any answers yet though.

Uhh hmm I'm gonna have to politely request you to not do that Evil Kjeldorn san

Oh really...

*Grins hungrily*

I did partition various cosmic power to give a helping hand in stomping the earth flat and stopping its rotation...

Haven't gotten any answers yet though.

Message Left for Impus Major on the Whiteboard:

Whiteboard wrote:

Took calico and fluffernutter to the vet.

You are all alone in the house...
...ignore the snickering coming from the basement...

Yep! Father of the Year, here I come!

*Polishes his "Snickering Basement-dwelling Troglodyte Horror of the Year" trophy*

If not, I might be available for either troglodyte coaching or child-torment on short notice.

(I also do pet sitting on the side).

RICE COOKER FOREVER!

MATH NEVER!

Freehold attempts to be clever! :p

...might be the only things I was assigned to read in high school that didn't involve someone dying or coping with death. The Odyssey, I guess, if you don't count unnamed crew getting killed by sea monsters...

...?

The mowing down of the suitors, in a hail of bow-fire, sword slashes and spear stabbings?

The hanging of twelve of the household slaves/maids, because they either sided with the suitors or slept with them?

The mutilation (and death? can't remember) of the goat-herder (something something, can't remember his name either)

...

Still great book! lots of heroics and a propper fully fledged main character!

FINITE NUUUUUUUUUUUUUDITY

Unfortunatellyyy!!!

boards the mort train

So...

Are tickets required?

*Waggles eyebrows, and hold up a hand for a high-five*

I'm dressed now, you know. And I do practice kicking in the gym.

*Puts a cup + jockstrap*

hmmm might not be enough...
Kitty's got some sharp claws as well...

*Puts on his full plate*

...But I get to see my mom, my sister, and my new niece in nine days, so I am using that as an excuse to not flay people.

Flaying! Yes, great fun!

graystone wrote:

Ilina Aniri wrote:

should i tell you about...

Please no...

the Kobold and the Lizardfolk were both mature male adults for their species and both were chaotic good. the kobold was an oath of vengeance holy gun with pistolero levels and the lizardfolk was an invulnerable rager beast totem.

both lost their old families, the kobold to goblins and the lizardfolk to human bandits, and both found new families and were chaotic good heroes. in fact, both of them praised Bahamut and the scale brothers who were each the last of their respective clans or clutches were revered as heroes. Gunsmoke was the Paladin and Gancho was the Barbarian.

their story is a bit complicated, but it is the arc of overcoming a desire for vengeance and becoming a protector and finding new family that defined both of their arcs. both of them had copper scales, and as the last copper scaled kobold and last copper scaled lizardfolk in the area, they were easy to recognize as heroes.

*Snores loudly*

*Start smacking his mouth and drooling while mumbling*

..mmm...tehehehe...nnnoo Calitria, that doesn't go in there....

*Smacks some more*

...It goes in here...hehehehe....

*Grunts and sucks in air, before having a coughing fit and opening up his eyes*

Err...
I guess you kind of lost me back there somewhere.
I think it was around the kobold stuff...?
Or was it the Paladin stuff...?
Or the overcoming the desire for vengeance...?

*scratches beard, while mumbling with a far-off look in his eyes*

No matter!
It was a story about a bunch of scalies anyway, so it couldn't have been that important anyway!

Not that I mind scalies mind you! I'd hire anyone to do my biding (or toil under my whip for free of cause)!
Centaurs, Derros, Goblins, Harpies, Kobolds, Ogres, Strix or Trolls. Everyone's welcome under my banner!
That's what would be right to do wouldn't it? Make room for everyone! All united by the wise words of ancient warrior: "What is best in life? To crush your enemies! See them driven before you and hear the lamentations of their women!"

...I think some things Paizo should just make a call on- there's no need for "What alignments should Paladins be? (select up to 9)."

*Tics all 9 boxes, and hands in the playtest suggestion together with a box of (probably poisoned) cupcakes*

What? I believe that every Paladin no matter his/her/it's/whatever's divine, philosophical or ethical outlook deserves a chance to be run through with my sword!

Why? because I consider myself the very pinnacle of inclusive and non-discriminating Evil!

PossibleCabbage wrote:

Seems likely that open minded entrepreneurs would be wise to investigate whether goblins, appropriately motivated to play nice, can be leveraged as an industrious and inexpensive work force for a lot of the dirty jobs that nobody really wants to do.

Like you can get them to gut the fish and also pay them largely in fish guts.

Gutting fish, cleaning squid, working in tanneries, checking sewers (and they can see in the dark, to boot- basically, let them live down there in exchange for keeping things running, so to speak), cleaning up at slaughterhouses, cleaning out old pickle barrels for re-use...

Released into trap filled corridors to trigger the traps, Planted in fields to make a renewable source of skin-papyrus, Sent into bear/wolf/animal dens to check if they are inhabited, Marched in front of your army (at spear point) as "Goblin-shields", Forced to be your personal food-taster/Cupbearer, A cheap alternative to the usual virgin sacrifices (heck you might get lucky and get a twofer - a goblin virgin sacrifice!)...

Their uses are legion!

You know...like their uses have always been! :P

Let them hit every bar!.

FTFY!

>_>

<_<

*Puts Kitty in a bag*

*Grins*

:P

But slaads are cute, aren't they?

*scratches little slaad on its head*

*Looks at slaad, with a slight look of disgust*

Cute? That Frog-Reptile-Demon-Thing?!

Pfff! Where's the spirit in the little guy...err...girl...whatever?? I mean there no tentacles!, no extraneous eyes, mouths or limbs! No spine chilling cuu-ing made by a throat, that was never suppose to make any sounds at all!

*Pushes slaad away with a booted foot, like he's pushing a fresh pile of manure out of the way*

Now this little guy/girl/thing/whatever is a real cutie!

*Places "baby" qlippoth on the ground, while scratching it behind the...errr...limb/mouth/tentacle/whatever.

Oh don't worry, I know I'm capable of a lot of horrifying things and am fully capable of becoming a fanatic, it's just whether I catch what is happening or am too tied up with moral indignation to notice.

I know fully well of the streak of darkness that lies within me, and there are times I wonder what would happen should it ever be unleashed. I honestly would rather not find out.

*starts thinking happy thoughts to exorcise ebul*

The sad thing is once I get into the "greater good" mode, I'll look at all the corpses I left along the way as "necessary sacrifices".

Regretful, but necessary.

Evil is such a loaded term!

You want to crate a utopian kingdom? Go right ahead! That is until someone disagrees or rebels with your vision of utopia. Then you learn the hard way, what we realists have always know, that all kingdoms are build on the bones of thousands.
You want to help others? Sure go ahead! There are always souls in need. Its almost like there born a new one ever minute! So prepare yourself to watch your line of needy slowly grow, however hard you toil to shrink it! Until such a time, that you learn you can't help everyone! The world is slowly being crushed under the weight of the despair, suffering and misery of the weak and feeble. What this world needs is triage, not mindless succor.

So am I Evil? Ha! You can call me whatever you want! I, as so many others, am simply doing what has to be done.

heh heh ima warwoff

Well...

*flails annoyingly at the halo around his head*

This is gonna cost me all my street cred... *Mumble grumble*
Not to talk about the thing lighting up the place, when I wanna go to sleep!

*Warms himself by the thread, humming joyfully*

Paladins?! Pfff...outdated concept! Heros come in all shapes and sizes these days! Why should an old hackneyed elitist exclusive group have the monopoly for heroics? or goodness and purity for the matter?

No I say! When 2.0 rolls around I hope they are put against the wall and put down! Hopefully another more deserving concept will rise from their ashes!

*Chuckles menacingly*

Might take most of their ilk with them! like 'Good' and 'Neutral' and all that hokum about being locked into a single moral state of being judged by some intangible, vague and untenable, yet thoroughly compromised "laws" too!

*Takes a swig of brandy, while staring into the flames of the thread*

Now Evil...
Evil you know where you have. Evil, you know, will always find a way.
Where would you're heros be without fiends to slay or brigands to hunt?
No Evil always stays. They may change much...but Me and my ilk will always be around.
Because you heroes need us, to feel 'good' about yourselves, to feel fulfilled, to feel a reason for you dreary existence!

*Takes another swig and burst of laughing*

Just a Mort wrote:

Drejk wrote:

I could use a better computer for gaming...

*greedily eyes Impus Major's unused laptop*

Bad red dragon! No paladins for you!

Paladins are a good source of iron and protein.

And lots and lots of salt! (at least according to most board posts) ^^'

Drejk wrote:

I could use a better computer for gaming...

*greedily eyes Impus Major's unused laptop*

Bad red dragon! No paladins for you!

*Tosses a open bag of catnip besides Mort*

*While she's occupied, pushes a cart full of bound and gagged paladins into Drejk's cave*

*Twirls moustache, while rubbing his hands together and "laughing dastardly".

But.. You can shave right? BTW.. I'm not a beard fan. I associate beards with shaggy dogs and prefer clean shaven guys.

Right that was totally unfair but yeah I guess I couldn't help blurting it out.

*Gives Kitty a long hard look*

"No Tuna for you!"

*Tosses Kitty out the door, and goes back to combing his emaculate facial hair*

Just a Mort wrote:

And this ain't the first airship story I've heard. I've got a Dragon Disciple who's a pryomaniac, who sensed something with his dragon senses(Blind sense), in the ship's engine room.

His answer? I cast fireball into the room. Cue...ship crashing.

Once upon a time I was running a 3.5 campaign, and the PCs tracked a bad guy to a sawmill. Their solution? Burn down the mill. I told them "You can do that, sure. Of course, it's the middle of the day and there are a couple of dozen workers there who may die if you do this." Their new solution? Yell "Fire! Fire!" to get the workers running, and then set the mill on fire. It worked. None of the workers died. The bad guy also ran away in the confusion, which my players thought was unfair. Apparently they believed that the bad guy either wouldn't hear the panicked screams, or that he would choose not to flee a burning sawmill.

Fire related stories huh...

Also back in ye olden 3.5 days I was playing in a intrigue/city based campaign.
We were all playing as dwarfs for some reason that escapes memory, but that's besides the point. We were in this large city that had been hit by multiple calamities, so it was part ruins and part city (ie the city rebuild 5 foot to the right of all the ruins), resulting in a "dead city" and a living one.
We had investigated a string of ritual murders in the area (the bodies were mostly dumped in the "dead city", thus outside the law mostly). However in do so, we might have steeped on the feet of some local gangs that roamed in the "dead city", mostly due to misunderstandings, jumping the gun or just plain old "you trying to mug me punk?!".
These just missteps escalated further as we began throwing weight around in the underworld to dig up clues to the murders (a player or two might also have their sights set on a future semi-legal enterprise...).
After multiple attempted muggings, getting s!%% stolen from us, assaults and a ogre-gram (three ogres wearing thieves masks wanting to break our legs and telling us to skip town - yes in that order...). We had enough.
So we used our contacts to get the local low lives invited to a sit down/gambling turnement. We spend days getting the word out, making sure that the right people hear, while dissuading the common gamblers from trying to get in - it was a "made men" only event.
It was all going down in a relatively intact building in the "dead city" (we even fixed her up a bit to make things look fancy). Then the evening before the event, we soaked the building in lamp oil, hid a few barrals of the stuff in various parts of the building, and hug up a lot of filled oil lamps to give the impression that they were stinking up the place. We boarded up all the windows and exits (except one - ie the front door and second floor front windows), placed a wagon full of junk out in front of the back entrance, blocking it, and place some bear-trap there too for good measure.
So we invited our victims in, had them brought food and drink, had them begin the festivities...
And about an hour in, the party excuses it self, we lit the house on fire, one party member nailed the front door shut while the rest prepared weapons and crossbows out front, and waited for those who would bail from the second floor.
Sure we didn't get all of them, some escaped, some burned, but the front of the building was a slaughtering ground, and the message was sent (or at least we thought it was).

Still to this day "a gambling tournament" has a whole different meaning in that gaming group ^^'.