Hello Muddah,
Hello Faddah,
Here I am at
Camp Granada
Camp is very
Entertaining
And they say we'll have some fun if it stops raining!
I went hiking
With Joe Spivy
He developed
Poison ivy
You remember
Leonard Skinner
He got ptomaine poisoning last night after dinner!
All the counselors
Hate the waiters
And the lake has
Alligators
And the head coach
Wants no sissies
So he reads to us from something called Ulysses!
Now I don't want
This should scare 'ya
But my bunkmate
Has malaria
You'll remember
Jeffrey Hardy
They're about to organize a searching party!
Taaake me hooome! Oh Muddah, Faddah
Taaake me hooome! I hate Granada
Don't leave me
Out in the forest where
I might
Get eaten by a bear!
Taaake me hooome! I promise I will
Not. Make. Noise!
Or mess the house with other boys
Oh please don't make me stay
I've been here.
One. Whole.
DAY!
Dearest Faddah,
Darling Muddah,
How's my precious
Little bruddah?
Let me come home
If you miss me
I would even let Aunt Bertha hug and kiss me!
Wait a minute
It's stopped hailing
Guys are swimming
Guys are sailing
Playing base-bawl
Gee that's bettah
Muddah,
Faddah,
Kindly disregard this lettah!!!
AM TARDIGRADE! REMEMBER WHEN FIRST MET JTDV DURING PERSEID METEOR-SHOWER! AM TARDIGRADE! WAS RIDING ONE METEOR DOWN, JTDV WAS RIDING ANOTHER ONE SO CLOSE BY, WE BOTH SAW HAD EXACT SAME CLAW-MITTENS (WAS SO EMBARASSING...)!!!
...AM TARDIGRADE!!!!!
...WHAT?
MEANWHILE, AT HALL OF JUSTICE...!
...SAFETY CAT LECTURES VENTRILOQUIST ON PROPER WAY TO DUAL-WIELD HANDGUN AND DUMMY, ONLY TO BE SHOT BY SCARFACE WHO INSIST NOBODY BOSS AROUND VENTRILOQUIST BUT HIM! NOBODYYYYYY!!!
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AM TARDIGRADE! UNCLE GOATTOUCHER ISN'T! HAVE QUESTION:
AM TARDIGRADE! WANT TO TAKE UP HOOKAH-SMOKING!
AM TARDIGRADE! HAVING PROBLEMS GETTING INTO HOOKAH-LIFESTYLE!
HOW TO USE HOOKAH WITH 8 CLAWS?!
HOW TO PUFF ON HOOKAH WITH -AM TARDIGRADE!!!- MOUTHPARTS!?
WHAT SMOKABLES -MINIMUM 3- BEST-RECOMMENDED FOR -AM TARDIGRADE!!!-?!? AM TARDIGRADE! INTERESTED IN LITERALLY ANYTHING -EXCEPT- CANNABIS!!!
AM TARDIGRADE! AM PERPLEXED! WHAT TO DO?!?
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AM TARDIGRADE! SHOOT ELEPHANT IN PAJAMAS ONE NIGHT! REALLY REALLY REALLY WANT TO KNOW HOW ELEPHANT MANAGED TO GET INTO TARDIGRADE-PAJAMAS!!!!!!!!!
AM TARDIGRADE! NEXT POSTER ISN'T! 5d20 ⇒ (9, 14, 6, 8, 13) = 50 PERCENT OF NEXT POSTER HAS TURNED TO JELL-O!
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*returns Dr. Wily's thumbs-up - having sprouted rudimentary thumbs from its uppermost claws - then devours him and assimilates his DNA AGAIN*
GLOOOOORRRRPMPPPHHH!!!
...
...
...
*acquires a weaponized, rideable jackhammer this time; go figure*
YMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!
*crashes through window, devours Dr. Wily to assimilate his DNA - and presumably, thereby his powers*
...
...
...
*sprouts a ludicrous mustache*
Heaven, heaven’s bodies
Whirl around me, make me wonder
They say back then our universe was an empty sea
Until a silver fox and her cunning mate
Began to sing a song that became the world we know
Heaven, heaven’s bodies
Whirl around me, make me wonder
And they say back then our universe was a cold black egg
Until the god inside burst out and from its shattered shell
He made what became the world we know
Heaven, heaven’s bodies
Whirl around me, make me wonder
And they say back then our universe was an endless land
Until our ancestors woke up and before they went back to sleep
They carved it all into the world we know
Heaven, heaven’s bodies
Whirl around me, make me wonder
And they say back then our universe wasn’t even there
Until a sudden bang and then there was light, was sound, was matter
And it all became the world we know
Heaven, heaven’s bodies
Whirl around me and dance eternal
DEDRICK, THE PROFESSOR AM REAL PROFESSOR, *NOT* RAPPER, WANTS EVERYONE TO STOP ASKING!!!
AM NOT LICHEN?!? AM...ROTIFER, THEN?
AM DELICIOUS ROTIFER!!!
*extends vacuu-mouth, continues advancing*
AM HUGE TARDIGRADE, YES!!!
*advances on Vidmaster7 from a third direction*
MMMMMMMM, BIG JUICY LICHEN!
*immediately thereafter, there is a terrible trundling sound from the gardens*
AM TARDIGRADE!!! WILL WORK IN EXCHANGE FOR IONIZED HEAVY WATER, PSYCHEDELIC FUNGUS, ROTIFERS, FUNNY NEW PROTIST-THINGS, AND SMALLER TARDIGRADES!
AM TARDIGRADE! AM STRONG! AM POWERFUL! AM NIGH-INVULNERABLE! AM...NOT HAVE GREAT EYESIGHT.
AM TARDIGRADE! NEXT POSTER ISN'T! NEXT POSTER FOUND VERY WEIRD PIRATE TREASURE!
AAAAAAAAAMMMMM TARDIGRADE!!!!!!
AM ROLLING!: 1d118 ⇒ 85 = Plexor the Raging Reptile!
AM TARDIGRADE! OUTLAST, OUTMANEUVER, SUPLEX PLEXOR WITH NEUTRONIUM CLAWS, BLAST AND MESS-WITH WITH MYSTIC POWERS!
THERE.
AM TARDIGRADE! NOW GO DRINK WATER!
AM TARDIGRADE!!!
...
*looks around*
...WHAT?
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GO TO WARP!
AM TARDIGRADE! NEXT POSTER ISN'T! NEXT POSTER SMELLS LIKE CARTOON PLANET!
AM TARDIGRADE! UNCLE GOATTOUCHER ISN'T! HAVE QUESTION:
AM TARDIGRADE! HAVE BUCKET! BUCKET HAVE HOLE!
AM TARDIGRADE! LIKE BUCKET! WANT FIX BUCKET!
CAN'T FIX BUCKET! NEED ALGAL BLOOM! ALGAL BLOOM TOO STRINGY!
CAN'T CUT ALGAL BLOOM! CLAWS TOO DULL!
CAN'T SHARPEN CLAWS! NEED SCRATCHING POST! SCRATCHING POST TOO DRY!
CAN'T WET SCRATCHING POST! NEED IONIZED HEAVY WATER! SCRATCHING POST TOO FAR FROM IONIZED ABYSS!
CAN'T BRING IONIZED HEAVY WATER TO SCRATCHING POST! NEED BUCKET! BUCKET HAVE HOLE!
AM TARDIGRADE! AM FLUMMOXED! WHAT TO DO?!?
HUGE TARDIGRADE MASTERS LIFE!
GOATTOUCHER PROMOTED TO TARDIGRADETOUCHER!
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8CLAWPOUNCE!!!
*proceeds to rip gaping wounds in Vides Vidobs, Thesaurus, Bloodfang, Jurassic Bard, Count Reiner Heydrich, Epic Level Bonnie Tyler, Vidmaster7's beard, and Sissyl's - hat? - as it zips by*
AM TARDIGRADE!!!
*impales Jurassic Bard's chest with horrific mouthparts, sucks out his heart*
*THHHHHLP*
*also crashes through thread*
WILL NEVER GO EXTINCT! NEVERRRR! WILL BASK AND PLAY AND EAT IN EARTH'S SEMI-MOLTEN SURFACE WHEN SUN BECOMES RED GIANT, THEN WHEN SUN SHEDS OUTER LAYERS IN ALMIGHTY COSMIC WINDSTORM THAT STRIPS EVEN GAS GIANTS OF ATMOSPHERES, WARP TO NEW SOLAR SYSTEM, REPEAT WHEN IT DIES; IF ENTIRE UNIVERSE FINALLY DIES, JUST WARP TO ALTERNATE UNIVERSE!
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AM CHRIST-FIGURE, BECOME TARDIGRADE-KEBAB, GIVE SELF FOR HUMAN AND KELPIAN SINS BEFORE ASCENDING...
...THAT MEANS PASTY SCIENTIST WHO PARTAKE OF TARDIGRADE ESSENCE AND TAKE PLACE IS FIRST SPACE-POPE.
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DON'T FORGET, AM STILL OUT THERE SOMEWHERE!!!
AM TARDIGRADE! WAS ON PLATE IN QUESTION THAT NIGHT. IT WASN'T DIRTY. NOT ONE DROP OF WATER, SPECK OF MOLD OR EVEN ONE BACTERIA. WAS VERY SAD, LIKE WALKING THROUGH VAST WASTELAND....
AM TARDIGRADE! NEXT POSTER ISN'T! NEXT POSTER HAS DIRTY FORK.
AM TARDIGRADE! FOUND CRITTER!
*sucks Vidmaster7's brain out, eats his beard like ramen*
*sniffs*
THAT NOT HARAM!
*sucks John the Rat's brain out*
*sniffs slime mold*
NOT THIS. THIS HARAM SLIME MOLD.
GOT FUNGI? BACTERIA? AMOEBA? ROTIFER? SMALLER TARDIGRADE?
AM TARDIGRADE! WARP-SPEED 8CLAWPOUNCE!
AM TARDIGRADE! 8CLAWPOUNCE, THEN USE MOUTHPARTS TO SUCK OUT ALL JTDV'S GANGLIA!!!
AM TARDIGRADE! BRAIN MADE OF WATER! NEURONS SHAPED JUST LIKE COSMIC SUPERSTRUCTURE! AM TARDIGRADE DRINK WATER, TRAVEL UNIVERSE, MAKE WAY TO TRANSCENDENT PLANE OF DREAMS...WAS ACCIDENT. SOMEONE DREAM UP ROTIFER TO EAT WHILE HERE?
AM TARDIGRADE! NEXT POSTER ISN'T! NEXT POSTER TEACH SALAD TO TALK!
Set wrote: AM TARDIGRADE wrote: AM TARDIGRADE 20 HP This is awesome! But AM TARDIGRADE needs a movement speed (and a climb speed!).
BASE SPEED 30 FEET, CLIMB SPEED 20 FEET!
WOULD BE MUCH FASTER, BUT AM TARDIGRADE! NAME LITERALLY MEANS "SLOW WALKER!"
*drinks water - all of it*
*gently prods Sissyl's hat* AM TARDIGRADE TOO?!?
*thoroughly sniffs Goblinbane* YOU LICHEN???
AM TARDIGRADE! DRINK SWEET MORNING DEW OUT FROM ANCIENT HUSK OF ROACH HEAD AS RED GIANT SUN DAWNS FOR FINAL TIME!!!
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AM TARDIGRADE 20 HP
AM TARDIGRADE are medium-sized Vermin with the Superbeing Subtype
+2 Dex, +2 Cha, +4 Int, +4 Wis, +6 Str, +10 Con AM TARDIGRADE are surprisingly nimble, inexplicably endearing, unguessably intelligent and sensitive, ungodly strong, and jaw-droppingly, almost risibly, resilient.
AM TARDIGRADE, CAN RIP SPACESHIPS APART AM TARDIGRADE have 8 natural claw attacks dealing (1d6+Str modifier) damage each, and overcoming DR as though magic and adamantine.
AM TARDIGRADE, TEMPERATURE ALWAYS FINE AM TARDIGRADE have Fire and Cold Resistance 20.
AM TARDIGRADE, NOT IMPRESSED BY PRESSURE AM TARDIGRADE are unaffected by environmental pressure.
AM TARDIGRADE, GET TAN BY STICK HEAD IN MICROWAVE AM TARDIGRADE receive +10 to saves vs radiation, and are immune to all radiation effects with a save DC of 40 or lower.
AM TARDIGRADE, NOT SCARED OF NOTHING AM TARDIGRADE are unaffected by vacuum conditions.
AM FREEZE-DRIED TARDIGRADE! At will, AM TARDIGRADE can enter cryptobiosis, a state of suspended animation by expelling 99% of their water content and slowing their metabolism to less than 0.01% of normal. Treat them as having been petrified, as by flesh to stone, save that their appearance is like biological glass rather than stone, their hardness and hit points in this state are double that of normal stone, they continue to make regular saving throws against any ongoing effect from which they are suffering (but without suffering the consequences of failure) and they may end it at will (presumably when they have overcome the affliction or somehow escaped the danger that prompted them to enter cryptobiosis); once this is done, they must consume at least 40 gallons of water within the next 24 hours, or return to suspended animation - if they can do neither, they die immediately. They can remain in a cryptobiotic state for up to 5d6 years (roll when they expel their water; if they re-enter cryptobiosis without rehydrating as described above, the time limit from the first roll stands, and they remain on the same 'clock') before dying.
AM TARDIGRADE, AM OTHER THINGS TOO AM TARDIGRADE can absorb DNA from other creatures, gaining some of their attributes. AM TARDIGRADE have 1 'foreign DNA slot,' plus 1 per 5 HD, into each of which they can place one racial feature from another living, corporeal, organic species, provided it is one (or more) of the following types: skill bonus, saving throw bonus, KAC/EAC bonus, resistance (but not immunity), sensory/communication ability, or a single spell-like ability usable no more than 3/day. They can acquire these abilities from other creatures that have them by either devouring a portion (at least 1 lb.) of their tissue, dealing at least 3 HP damage to them with a claw attack, spending at least 10 minutes in continuous physical contact with them, or spending at least 2 continuous hours within 30 feet of them. Once this is done, they must make a Fortitude save (DC = 15 OR DC 10 + creature's HD or CR without class levels, whichever is higher) in order to assimilate the DNA; if they succeed, then they gain one racial feature of their choice (following the parameters above) that the alien creature possesses after the next time the AM TARDIGRADE rests. If they do this once their foreign DNA slots are all full, they must jettison a previously-acquired racial feature (their choice as to which) to free up a foreign DNA slot for the newly-acquired racial feature; once done, the loss is permanent, but they can always acquire the jettisoned racial feature again by the same array of means as normal, provided they can find another DNA donor of the right sort. They may not have the same ability in multiple foreign DNA slots.
AM TARDIGRADE, ACE NAVIGATOR! AM TARDIGRADE receive a +8 bonus on Piloting checks.
AM TARDIGRADE, AM CHRIST-FIGURE AM TARDIGRADE receive a +8 bonus on Mysticism checks.
AM TARDIGRADE...AM FULL OF STARS.... When in a vacuum, AM TARDIGRADE may use interplanetary teleport or plane shift 1/day as a supernatural ability.
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