On December 21st, 2012, the stars were aligned and the way was opened for the desperately insane dictator of North Korea to perform the vile ritual that raised the sunken city of R'lyeh from the depths of the Pacific, unsealed the tomb of dread Cthulhu, and resurrected the Great Old One, unleashing an apocalypse of unimaginable horror and madness on the world.
In a matter of days, civilization had collapsed into screaming barbarism worldwide, as Cthulhu and his monstrous spawn reveled in bloody slaughter and wanton destruction. Humanity has been reduced to scattered bands of traumatized survivors struggling to eke out stealthy existences in ravaged and blood soaked wastelands.
In the Florida Everglades lies a secret research facility called Pandora's Box: An airstrip, a hangar, a marina, several laboratories, bunkers, warehouses, a greenhouse, a gymnasium, recreation hall, mess hall, kitchen, and spa all clustered together in the Big Cyprus Swamp.
This compound was founded in 1990 by the anonymous organization known as the Order of the Elder Sign in anticipation of the catastrophic return to Earth of dreaded Cthulhu and his ravening spawn. Funded by private donors, Pandora's Box advanced the sciences of bioengineering in an attempt to create super soldiers capable of combatting Cthulhu's aberrant horde. It also advanced the study of arcane arts as delineated in such infamous texts as the Necronomicon, producing uncanny results.
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Foxy, you will be going with Team Lido on a scavenger hunt. The things on your list are
always the same: food, fuel, drugs, water, duct tape, et cetera. Be careful out there, and bring me back something cool, y'hear?
Okki-San, remember: Kill them before they kill you. Got it?
You're going out to Lido Key, I hear. No unnecessary risks, little Okki-San. I would miss you if you get eaten. Come back in one piece, preferably with lots of goodies!
/Leans over and kisses Okki on top of his head.
We are running dangerously low on supplies. I'd say, just looking at food stores alone, we've got enough maybe to last us another couple weeks, and I'm talking about eating ketchup soup without even any crackers for that last week.
We're down to only a few more rolls of TP, too! Another couple days and we'll be wiping our butts with dollar bills, and we all know how much of a pain in the ass that is.
Most frighteningly, we are almost out of weed. I hate smoking resin, so I really hope somebody can score some decent weed. Maybe one of the Keys teams. I'll bet those old farts on Longboat Key had some good shit stashed away in their million-dollar beach houses. Don't let me down!
You too much smoking, Dad, killing precious brain cells. You should keep your mind pure and clean, you are smart guy, think up bright ideas!
/snort.
I need to kill brain cells so I have the patience to deal with Hell-No Kitties. Got to dumb myself down considerably.
You can expect to encounter hostile cannibal humans, who are likely to try to trick you with a show of friendship into putting down your weapons so they can more easily club you silly and toss you in the cooking pot.
You might also encounter cultists, who will treat you much the same as the cannibals. If you have accumulated a lot of karma in previous debauched lives, you might even come face to face with occult entities. Do not attempt to parley with either.
You can expect to encounter hostile cannibal humans, who are likely to try to trick you with a show of friendship into putting down your weapons so they can more easily club you silly and toss you in the cooking pot.
You might also encounter cultists, who will treat you much the same as the cannibals. If you have accumulated a lot of karma in previous debauched lives, you might even come face to face with occult entities. Do not attempt to parley with either.
Got it, shoot first ask questions later.
In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, I pray to you, Our Virgin Queen, to intercede on behalf of Lido Team, that the Blessed Savior might keep them safe from harm and free from sin.
Let them not be deceived by the wicked ways of the Enemy, and guide them to the blessings you have provided for your faithful people, and guard them against all evil.
In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, Amen.
/Splashes a few drops of holy water from a vial on the assembled PCs.
A pontoon armed with mounted .50 caliber machine guns, fore and aft, a flame thrower, and a fire extinguisher for creating smoke screens at each corner, piloted by Captain Kermit (a 20-year old bioengineered "frog-man" bred at Pandora's Box), is docked in the marina, awaiting Team Lido.
Hi ho, mother f#%$ers!
Captain Kermit, reporting for duty, and I haven't even had a beer yet! Honest!
So, like..... Could I get one, please?
Easy, Kermy, we don't want the expedition to fail because you were too hammered to find Lido Key!
/Laughs and points at the pontoon.
Or because you wrecked that rickety old tub on some rocks!
/Points at Monkey Dude, nodding and grinning.
I see what you did there..... Ha!
And by the way, I still think you'd get laid more if you played Russian Roulette more often. And I heard it really works awesome if you load all the chambers! Yep.
/Scowls and splashes extra holy water on Captain Kermit.
You are a bad froggy, Captain Kermit. May God have mercy on your warty little soul.
You don't know the half of it, Sister, but if you'd like to come along with us, you could keep me company on the boat while these poor bastards are getting eaten by cannibal tourists, and I could make a full confession of my sins....every warty one of 'em.....
You don't know the half of it, Sister, but if you'd like to come along with us, you could keep me company on the boat while these poor bastards are getting eaten by cannibal tourists, and I could make a full confession of my sins....every warty one of 'em.....
I'm not a priest, Captain, and the last thing I have any interest in hearing are your warty little sins, comprende?
You don't know the half of it, Sister, but if you'd like to come along with us, you could keep me company on the boat while these poor bastards are getting eaten by cannibal tourists, and I could make a full confession of my sins....every warty one of 'em.....I'm not a priest, Captain, and the last thing I have any interest in hearing are your warty little sins, comprende?
Fair enough.
Well, all aboard who's going aboard, and let's kick this pig.
Im ready.
Radsworth nervously shuffles his papers and adjusts his hat and glasses.
Listening to the brutish talk from Captain Kermit and the others made him all the more aware of the fact that he was very definitely NOT anything like the other men here.
Knowledge? Academia? THOSE were his specialty. Not fighting demons and monsters for the scraps of food needed to survive.
Nervously, he fidgets with the old revolver in a drop holster on his side.
Frustratingly, that same raw intellect telling him to avoid danger was also pointing out the fact that he was different now. Ever since he read his first word of magic, things were different. He might be needed.
"Uhm. Me too. I'm ready too...for this madness."
"Uhm. Me too. I'm ready too...for this madness."
"You think you're ready, but you're not."
He glances at Radsworth with a weary look.
"You might have to kill children, Rads. Can you do that? If a child that was just gnawing on his mom's leg looks up at you with hunger in his eyes .... Can you put the bullet in his head?"
Claps his meaty hand on Lakra's shoulder.
"Go and chop some shit, boy! Chop 'em up good, now! Chop 'em for the greater good!"
Winks at Lakra.
@Kinyama: "Say, can I eat that ox o' your'n if you don't come back?"
Har! Har!
YOU MOST CERTAINlY MAY NOT!
YOU MOST CERTAINlY MAY NOT!
"Aw! Okay, don't worry, Foxy, I'll take good care of her while you're gone!"
Smacks his big green lips.
"E.a.. Eating it's mother?"
Rad sighs, fingering the hilt of Traveler, his arcane weapon.
"I saw some pretty terrible things as I left Oklahoma. Even the places that weren't immediately...overran by the gibbering evils.. people began to act strangely... It's like the world ended and god called it quits but there was never any rapture... was the world so rotten at it's core that no one was to be saved?
I could, if I had to. If there were no way to save the child or it's soul was obviously so tortured and demented that there were no other way."
"E.a.. Eating it's mother?"
Rad sighs, fingering the hilt of Traveler, his arcane weapon.
"I saw some pretty terrible things as I left Oklahoma. Even the places that weren't immediately...overran by the gibbering evils.. people began to act strangely... It's like the world ended and god called it quits but there was never any rapture... was the world so rotten at it's core that no one was to be saved?
I could, if I had to. If there were no way to save the child or it's soul was obviously so tortured and demented that there were no other way."
** spoiler omitted **
Whats all this talk about eating mothers and souls.
The volvo is probably a snake den by now. I guess I should have bought that Hummer. This is the s#$t they were working on and trying to have me enhance. I'm going to need a drink! Professor, do you have anything to help me wrap my mind around this?
Cripes! Killing children? Maybe I'd be better off dead?
Well, no more lectures, bowties and tweed jackets. Its a good thing my dad collected this survival stuff before he passed. Lisa should have never made me get rid of the guns when Luke was born. Now look at the mess I am in! What did I do?
Pills? Something...
Well, no more lectures, bowties and tweed jackets. Its a good thing my dad collected this survival stuff before he passed. Lisa should have never made me get rid of the guns when Luke was born. Now look at the mess I am in! What did I do?
Pills? Something...
I'd advise keeping your wits clean for this expedition, Dr Grimm.
I'd advise keeping your wits clean for this expedition, Dr Grimm.Well, no more lectures, bowties and tweed jackets. Its a good thing my dad collected this survival stuff before he passed. Lisa should have never made me get rid of the guns when Luke was born. Now look at the mess I am in! What did I do?
Pills? Something...
Ha! You're barking up the wrong tree, Doc! Yep.
Okay. This is a lot to digest, ya know?
I really got to pull it together here. I look unkempt.
Well, no more lectures, bowties and tweed jackets. Its a good thing my dad collected this survival stuff before he passed. Lisa should have never made me get rid of the guns when Luke was born. Now look at the mess I am in! What did I do?
Pills? Something...
"I got ya covered....."
/Reaches into pocket of his lab coat and produces a vial with two capsules.
"Powdered psilocybin 'shrooms mixed with a bit of MDMA. You'll think it's freaking hilarious when the monsters start popping up....."
Yikes!
Ya know, I think I will hold off for now, a raincheck perhaps?
Hey guys, check out my retarded claymore!!! It's totally designed after the one Mel Gibson used in Braveheart, but, like, that one was totally dull so Mel wouldn't cut his pretty little hands, and this one is, like, super sharp, okay? OMG, this is gonna be so much funnnnn!!!!
"Aw, shit! Y'all's takin' Jewels with ya? Best watch out then, she likely to chop off one of y'all's legs or somethin' with that big-ass sword...."
If this is anything like the road, I'm screwed being gunless. Although, bolts may outlast ammunition.
"Aw, s+&+! Y'all's takin' Jewels with ya? Best watch out then, she likely to chop off one of y'all's legs or somethin' with that big-ass sword...."
Shut up-a!!!
At 9:15 AM, on March 25th of 2013, Team Lido boards Captain Kermit's pontoon:
Kinyama, kitsune gunslinger;
Radsworth, human wizard;
Dr Hugo Grimm, human alchemist;
Lakra, half-Orc rogue;
Mephos, tiefling sorcerer;
Prue, halfling paladin;
Kate, human cleric;
Jewels, Orc barbarian.
Captain Kermit raises anchor and fires up the pontoon's engine, and the expedition to Lido Key is under way.
"Have things truly gone downhill so swiftly?" Prue voices her dismay. She accepts the Sister's blessing but doubts it will be much good, she'd dabbled in religion before she stumbled onto her great-grandfather's journal. Needless to say the Bible didn't count for much when faced with the things she'd discovered.
She was somewhat skeptical that the good Professor was not dipping into hyperbole, and she prayed she'd never have to face such a choice; but they did need supplies, and so she found herself reluctantly leaving the safety of Pandora's Box. She hefts her rifle--a gift from her father who'd always enjoyed his hunting--settling it onto her back as she climbs onto the pontoon, glad for the weapon's comforting weight, and the reassurance of knowing how to use it. As she finds a place to settle in for the trip she looks around at the mixed bag of other people who had found themselves in the box with her, and now on the pontoon; at least there were a few other 'normal' people like her (ignoring the dwarfism of course).
Koran Runs down the dock and leaps onto the pontoon as it's sailing away. "Am I late"
Koran Runs down the dock and leaps onto the pontoon as it's sailing away. "Am I late"
"No, you just in time, Jewels was gonna take your spot, but she s'posed to be on Team Siesta."
@Jewels: "Go on, girl, get off that boat, you s'posed to be at that dock over there!"
/Points at another nearby dock where Team Siesta is boarding another pontoon bound for Siesta Key.
Mephos rolls his eyes at koran. "Yes"
"OMG you guys!! I'm such a 'tard!! LOL!!!"
/Jumps off pontoon and waves goodbye.
"Good luck, guys!! Kill lots of monsters and bring back some good stuff!!!"
@Jewels: "Be careful, Girlfriend!"
/Adjusts straps on her backpack and ties hair into pigtails.
Team Lido has now truly assembled, and Captain Kermit pilots the laden pontoon away from the dock and out of the marina through a channel between walls of Cyprus and mangroves.
The cries of seagulls and the rumble of the pontoon's motor echo across the water, and a morning breeze counters the heat of the sun.
After about an hour of navigating the narrow channels through the swamp, the pontoon reaches open water and turns west, skirting the coast. To starboard, the Everglades roll past, vast and green, and reminiscent of a primordial jungle. To port, the Gulf of Mexico stretches as far as the eye can see, sapphire blue and sparkling.
For awhile, other pontoons can be seen bearing other teams to other destinations--Key West, Key Largo, Venice, and Siesta Key. By noon, you have lost sight of these other pontoons, and are motoring up the Suncoast alone, occasionally crossing under the long causeways that link the Florida Keys.
Around 1:00, Kate opens a cooler and distributes bagged lunches (sandwiches and bottled water), and Team Lido eats what each member hopes is not their last meal.
After lunch, Captain Kermit stirs the pontoon northwestward, following the coast along Siesta Key, where the pontoon transporting Team Siesta briefly comes into view again. As you pass them by, Jewels can be seen waving to you and blowing kisses.
"One can almost forget..." the petite woman murmurs as the outwardly peaceful coast passes by. She turns her attention back to the other inhabitants with reluctance. "Do we have a plan for when we arrive? A list of the most likely targets perhaps? The sooner we're back in Pandora the better..."
At around 3:00, Lido Key comes into view as the pontoon passes around the north end of Siesta Key. No causeway links Siesta with Lido, only a broad pass of open water. The south end of Lido Key is a white beach and what appears to be a park.
Captain Kermit cuts off the motor and lets the pontoon drift toward the beach. The cry of gulls and the lapping of tide are the predominant sounds.....
Perception checks please.....