Goofus and Gallant


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Scarab Sages

You remember these two, don't you? Gallant (also known in some quarters as Jenkins) is Mr. Perfect, probably a Paladin, always doing just what he ought to do no matter what the situation, whereas Goofus (also known in some quarters as Melvin) is no doubt some kind of Antipaladin, and goes out of his way to be a thoughtless a+$$+&%. In this game, a poster starts by saying what Goofus/Melvin/Antipaladin (he goes by many names, your pick, I suppose) does in the same situation that the previous poster had put Gallant/Jenkins/Paladin in in the previous post, then you say what he does in another situation for the next poster.

EXAMPLE:

POSTER 0: Gallant slays the dragon, rescues the Princess, and distributes the dragon's hoard to the peasantry...

POSTER 1:...Goofus drags King Midas along and forces him to turn the dragon AND the Princess into extra gold. And those are some pretty well-fed peasants, they're probably worth more as golden statues....

Gallant brings extra dice to the game in case of new players who don't have any, and even lets them keep a few if they like them...

POSTER 2: ...Goofus cannot be held responsible if he mistakes other players' dice for M&Ms pizza toppings.

et cetera.

So, to start!

Gallant shows mercy after defeating the wicked necromancer who usurped his kingdom, and has him turned to stone, that future generations might take pity and release him...


Goofus gets stoned and now hangs out in a kingdom full of skeletons and zombies.

Gallant not only brings snacks for himself on game night he also makes sure he has everyone else covered. Even the vegan and the diabetic players.


Goofus wolfs down an entire casserole that was in the GM's fridge. The casserole was meant for a familiy reunion on Sunday.

Gallant keeps good care of his character sheet, protecting it with a plastic sleeve and replacing it when it gets too worn out.

Scarab Sages

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Goofus figures that if McDonald's burger wrappers weren't meant to be written on, then they would have made the phrase "I'm Lovin' It" take up the whole space rather than just part of it.

Gallant realizes that there's really no need for the human townsfolk to be feuding with the lizardfolk from the southern swamps, and so uses clever and equitable diplomacy convince the two groups to coexist in peace.


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Goofus kills every lizardfolk man, woman, and child, loots the village, and goes back to town to spend it on ale and whores. Upon being told the barkeep's daughter is not for sale, he burns down the town and slaughters everyone for the insult and lack of respect shown a hero of his caliber.

Even if Gallant is a 20th level mage, he still shows deference to the king out of respect and roleplaying.


Goofus as a level 1 fighter insults the King, draws his weapon and attacks the whole royal court because hey muderhobo.

Gallant starts a new campaign and gives the players a detailed list of houserules that he will be using.


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Goofus start his own campaign, rips off houserules from various forums and claims them as his own, never shares them with his players unless it's to his advantage, and constantly changes them when it benefits him, all while complaining that his players are idiots for not understanding his visionary greatness.

After realizing that the party is short on healing and support, Gallant decides to change his character concept to fill the missing roles.

Sovereign Court

Goofus insists on playing a ridiculously min-maxed Ninja Wizard in a roleplaying-heavy, European Fantasy, low-magic campaign.

Gallant spares the prisoner's life after learning she was a runaway from an abusive family just trying to make a living.


I thought Goofus and Gallant scenarios were supposed to be in reference to the same thing. For instance:

Gallant is happy to roll with his players using diplomacy to get around the NPC it took him two hours to build, assuming it would be a combat encounter. That bard is using his class abilities to full affect!

Goofus spent two hours statting this barbarian NPC with a sick battle axe. Natural 20 diplomacy roll from the PC bard be damned, this berzerker is raging and taking the plot railroad to Great Cleave City!

Bonus: If they manage to beat this barbarian, his final act is going to be to fling this axe into the fjord. Really, it's just too powerful for them to have right now...


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Shaun wrote:

I thought Goofus and Gallant scenarios were supposed to be in reference to the same thing. For instance:

Gallant is happy to roll with his players using diplomacy to get around the NPC it took him two hours to build, assuming it would be a combat encounter. That bard is using his class abilities to full affect!

Goofus spent two hours statting this barbarian NPC with a sick battle axe. Natural 20 diplomacy roll from the PC bard be damned, this berzerker is raging and taking the plot railroad to Great Cleave City!

Bonus: If they manage to beat this barbarian, his final act is going to be to fling this axe into the fjord. Really, it's just too powerful for them to have right now...

The previous poster sets up with Gallant, the next poster follows up with goofus, then sets up Gallant for the next poster's Goofus.


Goofus kills the prisoner, the guards, the prisoner's family, most of the village and half the kingdom. Then argues when the DM tells him his Pally falls.

Gallant is highly experienced with a min/maxed wizard, when he realizies he's in a newbie heavy group he plays down to their level and offers helpful advice when asked.


Goofus plays a min-maxed wizard to the hilt, completely steamrolling all encounters. He insults the GM for not providing a challenge, and when the players complain about being marginalized, he tells them to suck it up, learn to actually play the game, and that it's not his fault they decided to suck so much.

Gallant lets the GM know as soon as possible if he can't make it to game night, preferably days beforehand.


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Goofus fails to show up for the last three sessions without any sort of explanation and then yells at the GM for not cancelling any of the sessions.

Upon realizing it is the GM's birthday Gallant not only gives the GM a birthday card signed by the players he pays for the GM's portion of the pizza.

Scarab Sages

Goofus takes the opportunity to reply to as many questions and situations as he possibly can with the phrase "your mom."

Remember, folks: Anyone can generate an obvious "Don't," but the challenge here is to try to make the Goofus segment funny - maybe a better header for this game would in fact have been "Melvin and Jenkins," for those of you familiar with the MAD Magazine feature.

Gallant, realizing that neither the wicked blue tome nor the wicked red tome are to be trusted, opts to give the mysterious green tome which both the others warned them against a chance to speak for itself.


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Goofus grabs all three tomes and heads for the outhouse. That leftover chili he had for breakfast isn't sitting well.

Gallant is given the opportunity to play in an evil campaign. He plays his character maturely.

Scarab Sages

Goofus, for the first time in his roleplaying life, rolls up a Paladin.

Gallant surprises everyone by treating the whole group to a meal at a really ritzy place he knows about to celebrate wrapping up their campaign.


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After derailing the campaign Goofus celebrates by heading down to the local fast food joint and stuffing his pockets with napkins, straws, and ketchup packets. But not the free salt and pepper packets - he has enough of those from the last time.

Gallant has received a 3rd party supplement for his birthday and would like to incorporate some of the ideas into his character. He discusses it calmly with his GM. As the two discuss it Gallant realizes that it won't fit in with what the GM has planned for the current campaign and agrees not to use anything from the third party supplement. The GM is intrigued by what Gallant has presented and says he will allow it in the next campaign.


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Goofus flips the table when the Gm denies his half fiend, half dragon, half undead Otherkin Gestalt Barbarian/Druid.

Gallant plays a Paladin as moral, but not moronic, tenacious, but not tyrannical, and generous, but not gullible.

Shadow Lodge

Goofus gets into a shouting match with his DM every other session about why he should be allowed to detect evil first, smite second, and ask questions later without falling.

Gallant offers friendly advice to his fellow players, pointing out mechanical similarities and advantages newer players might not be aware of, suggesting alternative options when a player seems frustrated, and aiding in both mechanics and concept design to do his best to let his partymates achieve the characters they had in mind both in roleplay and in mechanics.


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Goofus laughs at the other players, questions their parentage, and makes really bad "Yo mama" jokes, all while bragging how his "lucky D20 never rolls anything under 11"...

...right before the GM dumps a glass of water over his head for being a pain.

Gallant accidentally bumps over a drink, spilling its contents all over another player's book. He apologizes for his carelessness. He buys the other player a replacement and pays for their share of the snacks the next session.


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Goofus tinkles in his neighbors bottle of Mt. Dew, maintaining an unsettling degree of eye contact the entire time.

Gallant respects the GM's vision for her campaign, and avoids races, classes, feats, and items that might run contrary to that vision.


1 person marked this as a favorite.
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Goofus decides to play a Mighty Morphing Power Ranger wielding the Gauntlet of Infinity.

The GM asks each of their players to write a brief back-story for their characters, with the intention of incorporating them into the campaign. Gallant keeps his back-story to one page and presents not one but two ideas that the GM can easily incorporate into the campaign. Not one aspect of his back-story gives him an advantage and yet the entire story gives a valid and reasonable explanation for Gallant's character choice.


Goofus gives his GM nothing before the game, and when asked for it on game night, claims to have it memorized, and commences to extemporaneously narrate a rambling and disjointed story of juvenile "awesomeness" including the words "ninjas", "babes", and "best" repeatedly.

Gallant actively and articulately describes his attacks as well as his reactions to being attacked for added drama and verisimilitude.

Scarab Sages

"Barrens chat" is too highfalutin for Goofus.

Gallant accepts the BBEG's surrender, and sponsors their redemption, looking forward to the day when his former worst enemy will fight alongside him as a fine ally.

Shadow Lodge

Goofus parades is defeated foe through town on a chain and encourages the towns folk to throw stones and refuse at him, then upon reaching the town square decapitates the BBEG in front of everyone. He then uses the head as a foot rest in the BBEG tower which he took over and now demands that all the peasant folk pay tribute to him as a hero/god.
Gallant not only save the orphanage from burning down but also adopted all the orphans and payed for their education. Then helped them all find good jobs in the community so that they too could give back someday.


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Goofus realizes he's out of rations. Well, that burning orphanage is a quick source of emergency protien. Pre-cooked, too!

Gallant's cleric strives to live up to his god's ideals, but he knows that mortals are flawed. Still, he considers his faults good RP and learning opportunities.

Sovereign Court

Goofus wonders why Iomedae dumped his cleric. After all, he'd only barbecued 10 puppies so far.

Gallant's wizard takes note of his allies' positions in combat and casts spells to better support them.


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Goofus's wizard engages in "Fire and Forget" - as in fire his spells at anything and everything and "forget" which spells he has actually cast so he can cast them again.

Upon learning that his local gaming store does not have enough people to GM during Free RPG Day Gallant volunteers his time and even brings in extra dice and character sheets for those who don't have any with them.


Goofus decides to "school some noobs" at the same event by playing a hyper-optimized character in a game for new players. Things take a turn for the PVP soon after starting.

Gallant separates his dry erase markers from his Sharpies in order to avoid unalterable mistakes on the battle-map.


Goofus dumps red paint all over the table to show the bloodbath his character has just unleashed.

Gallant disagrees with the DM's call. He waits until after the game and discusses it calmly with him.


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Goofus flips the table, questions the parentage of the GM and the other players, and storms out of the house. Not paying attention he steps into a "present" left on the lawn by the GM's pet Saint Bernard.

Upon noticing the new minis that the GM has recently painted and realizing that he could learn a thing or two in his own painting efforts Gallant asks the GM if she can offer some pointers to him after the game.


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Goofus stares at the minis, grows red and eats them. Whole.

Gallant remembers to invest above-average mental stats for his Barbarian so that he can effectively roleplay with his party rather than just saying "GROG SMASH!" every time another character talks to him.


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Goofus tries to LARP The Beastmaster movies at the local zoo. It does not end well for the animals.

Gallant is given a copy of the latest adventure path he is currently playing through for his birthday. He sets it aside and does not not read anything in it, for fear of spoilers or gaining unfair knowledge of the adventure.


Goofus sneaks into his DM's house at night to read his campaign notes.

Gallant brings clean snacks like pretzles and wrapped candies so that the other player's hands, books, and dice don't get all greasy.


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Goofus opens up an All-You-Can-Eat Barbecue Joint.

Gallant is going to PaizoCon. He has his room reserved and routes planned out. He makes sure to bring clean clothes and toiletries.


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Goofus moves into Gallant's room and maintains his squatter’s rights. He has some luggage he found in the lobby and the maid's cart.

Gallant buys gift pdfs of all reference material for his upcoming game for each of his players, and he maintains a website dedicated to the group with a forum and game updates.


Goofus tries to steal all of his books from the bookstore in the mall only to get caught by Paul Blart, mall cop.

Gallant decides to enhance his players' experience by playing appropriate background music. His players really enjoy it.


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Goofus insists on playing the latest dubstep polka from Switzerland. Loudly.

Gallant shows up to each game with fresh cookies to be enjoyed during snack breaks.


Goofus show up to game with a tote full of "special" brownies for himself, and one stale slice of carrot cake for all the other players to share.

Gallant loans out his hardcover rulebooks, and maintains an dedicated email for people to ask questions, always being careful to never play the "your a noob" card, but answer with intelligence and peoples best interests in mind.


Goofus prefers Paranoia, since even asking about the rules is grounds for terminating the character for asking about knowledge above his security clearence.

Gallant tries to avoid splitting the party. In the event his character is forced to go alone and monopolize the GM's attention, he pauses the action to allow other characters a chance to play.

Scarab Sages

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Goofus writes an entire online manifesto expounding on the strategic and tactical genius of the Scooby-Doo gang.

Gallant makes custom motivational posters of his group's characters, each with a real-world quote evocative of the character's nature, and puts them up near the table at the store where they play after getting the store's permission.


Goofus immortalizes PC deaths by making Stupid Deaths videos, complete with theme song and cheesy-joke grim reaper, and posting them on Youtube.

(Can't directly link on my phone, but look up "horrible histories stupid deaths" on Youtube to see what I mean.)

Gallant keeps extra pencils, pens, and erasers around, in case anybody needs to borrow them.


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Goofus eats the pencils and erasers and uses the pens to clean his ears and bellybutton.

Gallant is working on designing a new race. With his GM's permission he is allowed to create a character using his new race to test it out. After a few sessions he realizes that the new race is far too powerful and decides to tone it down.


Goofus makes a large, flying race of dragonoid with bonuses to all stats, natural armor, two bonus feats, and a breath weapon and insists that he be allowed to play it because "It's in the rules!"

Gallant discusses potential PCs with the other players, and chooses a class and race that will be fun for him and serve a useful role in the party.


Goofus demands to play a character with 12 templates added on to a drow noble

Gallant purposefully nerfs his character to avoid overshadowing the party who is still learning how to optimize.


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Goofus uses a pair of Nerf Zombie Strike Crossfire Bows to demonstrate how his character can dual wield two heavy double crossbows without penalty.

Upon noticing how a discussion on his favorite gaming forum is getting way out of hand Gallant does his best to return the discussion to the original topic, all the while avoiding any sort of inflammatory or derogatory comments. He even takes the time to properly flag the inappropriate comments.

Scarab Sages

Goofus STILL insists that the Kaminoans from Episode II were irrefutable proof of George Lucas' seething bigotry against white people.

To go alongside a grand feast being held in-game in his PCs' honor, Gallant also prepares his players some creative homemade snacks meant to mimic the custom-tailored meals their characters are getting.


Goofus insists that his players eat his latest kitchen disaster to properly simulate what iron rations taste like. And starts marking down hit points due to starvation if they don't.

To introduce a new game to the group, Gallant makes a few pregenerated characters, and starts with a simple one-shot so they can get familiar with the numbers and the rules.


Goofus insists on making his own character, which takes several hours of play due to lack of familiarity with the rules. the resulting character is mechanically flawed and thematically detached from the scenario at hand.

Gallant participates in email conversations between games to make sure he is up to speed for the next session.

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