I'm on the light rail with a bunch of middle schoolers talking about transgendered people, bisexuality, and anti-gay slurs. Either they're a bunch of edgelords, or bigotry against LGBT folks is alive and well among suburban San Francisco youth. Either way, they're pissing me off.
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I'm on the light rail with a bunch of middle schoolers talking about transgendered people, bisexuality, and anti-gay slurs. Either they're a bunch of edgelords, or bigotry against LGBT folks is alive and well among suburban San Francisco youth. Either way, they're pissing me off.
From all reports, San Fransisco seems to be growing distressingly homophobic. The same with Seattle :(
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I'm on the light rail with a bunch of middle schoolers talking about transgendered people, bisexuality, and anti-gay slurs. Either they're a bunch of edgelords, or bigotry against LGBT folks is alive and well among suburban San Francisco youth. Either way, they're pissing me off.
It's likely they are still being fed hateful lies and fear from adults and their peers, in classrooms, from their parents, from their church groups, their online social groups, etc. I've heard similar accounts of middle-schoolers (and other age students) repeating many of the hateful bigoted xenophobic talking points being repeated in the media about immigrants and Muslims. What do you do when the parents, supposed journalists, teachers, and other responsible adults refuse to dismantle or even address these hateful ideas? Worse, odds aren't bad that at least a couple of those middle-schoolers spouting hate will have a LGBTQ family member or close friend, if not turn out to be LGBTQ themselves... and they'll have to likely spend years unpacking and dismantling all their self-internalized hate.
I wish I knew how to break the cycle.
Ambrosia,
I have ideas but considering this Paizo's safe zone...and I'm indulging my inner Orcus, I think I'll keep those thoughts to myself.
Also still don't get how we can have Windows 10 Elves...
Actually, they aren't -- strictly speaking -- WX elves. They're gnomes, disguised as elves; stilts, ear prostheses, wigs and all.
You break the cycle of hate by being a good representation of your demographic. It doesn't work 100%, obviously, but it certainly goes a long way.
RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32
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You break the cycle of hate by being a good representation of your demographic. It doesn't work 100%, obviously, but it certainly goes a long way.
Yeah, if The Straights would be better people and stop perpetuating a thousand kinds of violence against us, it would stop the cycle of me hating them every time I heard about their garbage behaviors.
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So about that breaking the cycle bit... I watched Pride last night, and I think we talked about it back when it came out (ha!) in cinemas, so I'll keep my review short. I never cry because of movies. This time I did. Several times.
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You break the cycle of hate by being a good representation of your demographic. It doesn't work 100%, obviously, but it certainly goes a long way.
I can tell you from years and years of trying that that particular philosophy doesn't work and is primarily used to keep minorities from expressing very justified anger. A certain amount of peacemaking and compromise is necessary when you're outnumbered nine-to-1, but ultimately it doesn't matter what a good example of a token minority you are, there are still lots of people who will see you as a target. There needs to come with it a certain amount of passion and even anger.
I'm on the light rail with a bunch of middle schoolers talking about transgendered people, bisexuality, and anti-gay slurs. Either they're a bunch of edgelords, or bigotry against LGBT folks is alive and well among suburban San Francisco youth. Either way, they're pissing me off.
middle schoolers...as in 11 and 12 year olds?
Oh man. I would yell at them myself, but that would just cement my grumbling old man status and be a bit hypocritical- I said dumb things when I was that age too. Not sure how to handle this per se.
I'm not saying that you shouldn't be angry and that you shouldn't speak up. I'm saying that it's much easier to garner support when people want to support you.
There will always be those who will hate. It's one of the reasons why I hide who I am. I do know that those whom I have come out to have mostly been supportive. I've only lost a tiny handful of friends. I have managed to change hearts by showing that I'm not the freak or monster that they thought bisexuals or crossdressers were.
There is a reason why more and more people are supporting LGBT rights. They are learning that LGBT folks are really just folks. We are seeing the diehards dig their heels in, but overall we are seeing more and more support.
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If you're in a position of authority and more importantly respect, you can do some good just by expressing disapproval for the kids' attitudes. I think its done some good in this regard on the group of now-14 year olds I've been running a game for, anyway.
Homophobia didn't ever seem to be a thing with them, but transphobia came up and I tried real hard to make it clear that wasn't acceptable. I hope I succeeded.
If you're not in a position where you actually interact with them regularly, I'm not sure how much you can meaningfully do, though. You usually need to actually interact with people on a regular basis to have any hope of changing their perspective on the world.
Crystal: Passion, certainly. Anger? Not so sure. It bites one in the butt, really. Anger makes you a threat, and legitimizes anger and perhaps even action against you. The age old question is the same: How fast can we change attitudes about us? From what I have seen, being a good example seems to be what brings any change at all. I would also add that criticising huge groups of people for what some do is a pretty good way to get treated the same way. People change attitudes when minority X becomes a collection of individuals to them. I may be wrong, of course.
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Crystal: Passion, certainly. Anger? Not so sure. It bites one in the butt, really. Anger makes you a threat, and legitimizes anger and perhaps even action against you. The age old question is the same: How fast can we change attitudes about us? From what I have seen, being a good example seems to be what brings any change at all. I would also add that criticising huge groups of people for what some do is a pretty good way to get treated the same way. People change attitudes when minority X becomes a collection of individuals to them. I may be wrong, of course.
I don't think anger legitimizes action against you--it may be used as an excuse to harm you, but that doesn't mean it's legitimate. You have a right to be angry, and no one has a right to hurt you because of what you're feeling--action is only legitimate if it's taken against something you've done.
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Crystal: Passion, certainly. Anger? Not so sure. It bites one in the butt, really. Anger makes you a threat, and legitimizes anger and perhaps even action against you. The age old question is the same: How fast can we change attitudes about us? From what I have seen, being a good example seems to be what brings any change at all. I would also add that criticising huge groups of people for what some do is a pretty good way to get treated the same way. People change attitudes when minority X becomes a collection of individuals to them. I may be wrong, of course.I don't think anger legitimizes action against you--it may be used as an excuse to harm you, but that doesn't mean it's legitimate. You have a right to be angry, and no one has a right to hurt you because of what you're feeling--action is only legitimate if it's taken against something you've done.
I don't know. As a black man in this country at this moment in time, anger seems to legitimize everything on every side of the fence(possibly underneath and on top of it too). It is so overwhelmingly seductive and omnipresent that it would in some ways be foolish to not use it to batten whichever side of whatever argument you are on. But it is so inherently destructive or not conducive to debate and/or positive change it remains a scorched earth option at best.
In my opinion, anger is a good tool, as long as it is used right and kept under control. But be careful, because going into flat-out wrathful territory is bad for any parties
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Crystal: Passion, certainly. Anger? Not so sure. It bites one in the butt, really. Anger makes you a threat, and legitimizes anger and perhaps even action against you. The age old question is the same: How fast can we change attitudes about us? From what I have seen, being a good example seems to be what brings any change at all. I would also add that criticising huge groups of people for what some do is a pretty good way to get treated the same way. People change attitudes when minority X becomes a collection of individuals to them. I may be wrong, of course.
The people who have done things against me have never needed my anger to "legitimize" their actions. Regardless of my emotions at the time, those actions would not have been "legitimate" or justifiable. They might use anger as an excuse for what they do, but far more has been done to me without any excuse or provocation than has ever been done in response to my anger. My anger comes from repeated experiences and being told that my presence somehow provoked or deserved those.
Anger is a perfectly reasonable and--I would argue--necessary part of being a minority. It can motivate you when everything else seems hopeless. It can pick you up when every other part of you is broken. They situations being painted about why it's never appropriate are only looking at unchecked and self-destructive anger, but but righteous anger is a thing, too, and has seen a lot of people through a lot of terrible times. It has helped stir pushes for human rights on all sorts of fronts.
I agree that the majority being willing to see a minority as individuals does help, but that's not the end-all, be-all of civil rights fights. I grew up in a small southern town where the black and hispanic population had to bend over backwards to be "respectable," while the white population got to ride roughshod over their rights and the KKK was alive and well, and the white folks I grew up with would just say that the racial minorities they liked or were friends with were "one of the good ones," and then continue on with talking about how "all blacks are X," or "all Mexicans are Y."
I've seen the same situation develop over the last 20 years with the queer community. Nowadays, everyone has a gay friend or relative, and THAT particular queer individual is fine. "It's just the militant/in-your-face/flaming/whatever ones who are the problem." There's still that same division of "one of the good ones." There's always an excuse. You can be nice, nice is important--and I honestly love being nice and don't like being angry--but nice doesn't fix every problem.
Human rights shouldn't be a reward for good behavior. They should be a foundation we all start on
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I don't know. As a black man in this country at this moment in time, anger seems to legitimize everything on every side of the fence(possibly underneath and on top of it too). It is so overwhelmingly seductive and omnipresent that it would in some ways be foolish to not use it to batten whichever side of whatever argument you are on. But it is so inherently destructive or not conducive to debate and/or positive change it remains a scorched earth option at best.Crystal: Passion, certainly. Anger? Not so sure. It bites one in the butt, really. Anger makes you a threat, and legitimizes anger and perhaps even action against you. The age old question is the same: How fast can we change attitudes about us? From what I have seen, being a good example seems to be what brings any change at all. I would also add that criticising huge groups of people for what some do is a pretty good way to get treated the same way. People change attitudes when minority X becomes a collection of individuals to them. I may be wrong, of course.I don't think anger legitimizes action against you--it may be used as an excuse to harm you, but that doesn't mean it's legitimate. You have a right to be angry, and no one has a right to hurt you because of what you're feeling--action is only legitimate if it's taken against something you've done.
I don't think anger is a scorched-earth option--you can be angry and still able to listen/negotiate/compromise. Heck, most progress in this country has been made because people got angry about injustice.
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Human rights shouldn't be a reward for good behavior. They should be a foundation we all start on
If this was where everyone would start the world would be a far better place.
Parents: teach your children this. Please.
Should be. Absolutely. Human rights should be afforded to EVERYONE. Which is precisely the perspective those who prefer to fight for rights of various groups miss, and currently the major reason that human rights are rarely if ever debated today.
Agreed that if someone knows a gay person, the bigots will see that person as the exception - but they tolerate/accept/respect ONE MORE PERSON than they otherwise would. It doesn't feel like much, but it is the seed from which acceptance on a larger scale sprouts. It has to be.
The people who did things to me never needed an excuse either. If needed, they told me my pants were ugly. And as they taught me despair, self-loathing and fear, I suppose ä group of people who had been through the same things because they identified me as part of their group, who had gotten s~+% for being part of this group too, that would have been good. I would have had someone who understood me. As it was, I was alone. And when I fought back, and hurt their leader, the pathetic losers actually asked me if I could hang with them. I told them to piss off. And while I loathe them still, I am damn careful never to blame anyone unless they personally deserve it. So, I suppose it hurts to hear people blame me along with all straight people.
I understand the feeling. Being targeted stinks. Especially if you can't change the things they hate about you. But by and large, people can't change who they are. And you know what? They shouldn't change to fit the misrule of bigoted morons. The bigots are the problem. What they choose to target you for is always an excuse.
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The people who did things to me never needed an excuse either. If needed, they told me my pants were ugly. And as they taught me despair, self-loathing and fear, I suppose ä group of people who had been through the same things because they identified me as part of their group, who had gotten s&*@ for being part of this group too, that would have been good. I would have had someone who understood me. As it was, I was alone. And when I fought back, and hurt their leader, the pathetic losers actually asked me if I could hang with them. I told them to piss off. And while I loathe them still, I am damn careful never to blame anyone unless they personally deserve it. So, I suppose it hurts to hear people blame me along with all straight people.
Systemic oppression of a minority is in no way comparable to your hurt feelings at having, solely by omission, being "blamed along with all straight people."
This is where a lot of that anger comes from: That no matter what tenor the discussion or how nicely we ask or what we're doing, it comes down to majority feelings over minority needs.
Edit: Sorry for deleting my post. Reading yours again, I saw it differently.
It is not about comparing blame and hurt. When someone does something to hurt someone else, that is bad. It hurts. They carry the blame for it. They should be blamed for it. But what does that really have to do with accusing people not involved in it too? Is it a convenient shorthand? Is it that important? Or could it be phrased another way? I understand lashing out. It feels good when you do it. It certainly doesn't help anyone, though.
I should also add that I really do not see how it can be a minority need to blame any group. All it does is fragment those who could tell the bigots to f!$@ off. And they have divided and conquered once more.
All I know is if you're human, you can be angry. Just like you can be happy, sad, afraid, and calm. So the fact you have a justifiable reason to be angry SHOULDN'T be taken as a sign of weakness. It's merely what you do with those feelings. I mean hell, I could be happy when I'm killing people. That doesn't mean it's a good way to express it.
Also I still don't get how the elves are now gnomes in Windows 10...
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It's not just about individual bigots (not that those aren't a problem, too), but about systemic oppression, as Crystal said.
Just because you're a straight person who doesn't have a problem with LGBTQIA folks doesn't mean you're not still benefiting in a lot of ways from living in a world that treats heterosexuality as the norm, where you don't have to fight for your personal rights, safety, and respect on account of your orientation.
Nor does it mean that you may not have internalized some of society's messages about LGBTQIA folks in subtle ways--not that I'm calling you a bigot, just that no one lives in a vacuum, and you may be holding certain assumptions without realizing it.
For me at least, it's not about blame (again, not that there aren't hatemongers out there who deserve it), it's about recognizing when that happens and doing what you can to counteract it.
Homophobia isn't just the headline stories about bigoted politicians and violent crimes--though those are serious problems. It's the daily fear of becoming the next headline. It's constantly having to censor yourself. It's having to gauge whether it's safe to refer to your partner by name. It's hearing passing comments that imply, intentionally or not, that you are gross and bad and wrong. It's wondering whether anyone will speak up and/or if you can safely defend yourself, even when you're with seemingly reasonable people, just because what if. It's the constant, unavoidable reminder that you are a strange, unwelcome other.
It can be subtle and insidious, and it's easy to miss if you're not the target.
*knows how the Queen feels about self-censoring*
Being on the autism spectrum, I find I have to do that a lot. Otherwise I get the looks, the stares and occasionally the outright fear I'll be beaten up by some one I don't know.
That being said, it's probably not on the same level as you guys since...well I'm still considered "normal" by most of society. Maybe.
Some days I'm uncertain...
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One thing I've noticed in discussions about systemic oppression between people who are experiencing the oppression and people who are not is that the people who are not sometimes shift the discussion into what they themselves do to combat that oppression.
Which in some ways is great. We need allies, and it's good to know those allies are around. But that individual solution, the ally who fights back, or doesn't participate in the oppression or what have you, that person does not themselves alleviate the existence of the larger systemic oppression.
Similar to this is the way that people who are not overt allies but also do not actively perpetrate said oppression respond to these discussions, by trying prove that they're not racist/sexist/homophobic/transphobic/etc.
Which, okay, fine. But again, the larger systemic oppression that the other people are experiencing remains in place.
For example, a man can be someone who does not catcall, does not harass women, is respectful of women, etc. And he might tell women as such. Which is great. But it doesn't make it any safer for any of the women in his life to walk alone at night.
So both of those sorts discussions ("This is what I've personally done to combat the problem." and "That ain't me.") can sometimes be frustrating to those on the receiving end of a given form of oppression.
This is something I've noticed more and more in discussions with men about sexism the longer I've been living as a woman.
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TPQ: If I benefit from these assumptions, does that make me complicit? What can I do then to not be complicit? Does actively working to improve the situation of sexual minorities change anything? Does trying to spread awareness of their situation?
If it is about whether I hold certain assumptions, how is that different from the situation for people of sexual minorities themselves? I never heard that being gay necessarily freed you from holding such assumptions about either trans people, for example, nor indeed other gay people. It is deeply tragic to me all the times I have heard a conservative churchgoer say something like "gay people choose to indulge in their lusts and they shouldn't. Everyone should fight against their desire to be with someone of their own sex".
Again, I do not question your fear, nor your anger at how you are treated. I know enough about fear and anger not to do that. I merely think anger is likely the most dangerous emotion around, and it hurts you to show it. I know what it is like to wonder what is going to happen if I go to the lunchroom today. I know what it feels like to have people you don't know tell others you are stupid, ugly and gross so you can hear it. I have enough issues with psychiatric illness that I can't always hide to comfortably pretend I am like everyone else.
What I question is claiming that it is "the Straights" doing it. If I am mistreated for being left-handed, it doesn't mean that right-handed people are the most relevant group to blame for it. And even if this mistreatment is serious, perhaps especially then, it doesn't make things better if I assume a rhetoric that "either you are one of us or you are the problem". Everyone needs allies. We can't all fight our own fights.
Again, I may be wrong.
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Under the cut because long post is long, holy crap.
A lot of the questions you're asking are very complicated, and there's not really one clear answer, honestly (nor am I by any means the most equipped to answer them). But asking these kinds of questions is an important step, and a really good start.
The question of benefit and complicity is a thorny one. Some of the benefit is by omission--of simply not having to spend time and energy dealing with the kind of trauma, stress, frustration, loss, and fear that too often come with being LGBT. Other times you probably receive more active preferential treatment, whether deliberate or not, by peers, coworkers, doctors, the government, and so on. And you didn’t ask to be given those benefits. You can’t just not receive them any more in many cases. But at the same time, if through inaction you are not using your relative position of power to help those less privileged receive the same measure of security and respect--merely allowing the current structure to carry on unopposed--then yes, you are complicit.
How not to be complicit then?
Don't make assumptions about people--either that because someone is gay, trans, etc., they must be a certain way, or that because someone looks or acts a certain way they must be a certain gender or orientation.
If you hear someone make a homophobic/transphobic/etc comment (and you can do so safely and appropriately), challenge them. It may help them think reexamine their own attitudes--and even if it doesn't, you never know if there's an LGBTQIA person in the room who feels better knowing you've got their back.
Listen to (like you are here) what those in the LGBTQIA community have to say about their experiences and act on their suggestions
Contribute time or money to activist movements if possible
Create and/or support diverse media (like Pathfinder!)
Question your attitudes and responses with regards to the LBGTQIA community (as you've already started doing)
Educate yourself! This is only a short list of things I'm thinking of off the top of my head, and I can only speak from my own limited experience. Just talking to people like this is a great start, but do some research of your own, too. It can be exhausting to be constantly explaining and defending and educating others about who you are, and most people don't have the cold hard data on hand to back their points up either.
While there's still a lot of work to be done, I believe that spreading awareness and working to improve the situation of LGBTQIA folks has already changed a lot. It's slow, and it's hard, and there’s a long way to go, but it does work. The fact that we’re even on this board having this conversation shows how much our culture has improved already over the past few decades, but I don’t think it’s a change that has happened--or will continue to happen--on its own.
As for the matter of biases, it doesn't make you much different at all. A lot of the LGBTQIA community has been forced to confront some of their assumptions, but no one is perfectly free of prejudice. Being part of one minority doesn't mean you can't still hold biases against another (or hold plenty of lousy internalized attitudes about yourself). Intersectionality is important! That being said, just because there's still plenty of intra-community progress to be made doesn't give everyone else a pass to shrug and carry on perpetuating the larger culture’s problems just because we're not perfect. Ideally we're all fighting this fight against these attitudes--no matter where they exist--together.
Finally, when people are complaining about "the Straights," I think they're usually complaining about a lot of complex, interrelated things at once--the whole systemic mess, as well as those who either are complicit in or actively promote it. It's not a personal attack. By taking it personally when it’s not meant that way, most people are just going to get indignant and upset and not listen to the actual point. And what they’re saying may not describe you, in which case, good for you! But when someone's first impulse is to announce that they're not like that, it's doing a couple of negative things.
First, it automatically shifts the blame onto *those other people* who *are* like that, rather than leading the listener to confront their own attitudes or the ways in which they might be contributing to an oppressive system.
Secondly, it’s tone policing, which sucks. It sends the message that the speaker isn’t entitled to their feelings or to express themselves unless it’s been deemed sufficiently palatable and inoffensive. That it’s only okay to push back against oppression if you bend over backwards to avoid the slightest chance of hurting a straight person’s feelings. That all the feelings of frustration and anger and fear and misery that often come with being LGBTQIA in this world must be bottled up and hidden away (which is super not good for mental health!), lest it make those in power uncomfortable.
Finally, again, it’s not about you. If you’re straight, almost everything remotely related to gender/attractive/love/sex is about you. It’s expected--considered normal and default--to the point that most people only only notice on the rare occasion it’s suddenly not about them anymore. And that might feel like something’s being taken away, but it’s not. Heterosexual representation and voices aren’t going anywhere just because some forums are finally opening up to the rest of us. And when someone from the LGBTQIA community is finally getting a chance--and having the courage--to speak up for themselves, it’s not the time to interrupt with, “but what about me?” It’s the time to listen.
Some of us aren't straight and we still are trying to do what we can to change how the world sees us. I may not be out to everyone, but that doesn't mean that I can't still be an ally and afraid of who I am.
I can handle the odd bit of shrapnel from people who have things WAY harder than I do on the macro-social front (which is damn near everybody).
Things are tough out there.
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If I am misreading your post, I apologize.
Groups of persons are those with faces, that you sit down with and discuss the relevant issues with.
That assumes that sitting down and discussing relevant issues is an option that we are always offered. And that doing so, when you have the opportunity to do so, will produce results.
You want to get through it? Ignore 'people.' Be your own person. Treat others as persons.
That seems like a bit of an idealization, and doesn't take into account large groups of people that actively try to make LGBT lives more difficult, like the GOP, say, or various conservative groups (like the Pacific Justice Institute,the National Organization for Marriage, etc.)
If you can't treat someone as an individual, capable of having a legitimate self identity. If you treat any or all someones as a faceless mass worth nothing but your abject hatred and loathing then that is all you will ever see.
Critiques of systemic oppression are not the same as refusing to see the person in front of you as an individual. Nor is it an expression of abject hatred and loathing.
If that is all you ever see you will be miserable and alone, alienated forever.
That assumes that those of us expressing anger or frustration are miserable and alone. Or conversely, if you want to flip it, it assumes that the people perpetrating or supporting the oppression are miserable and alone when, again, that's not necessarily the case.
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TPQ: Thank you for your answer.
I find it disheartening, though. As you say, there really is no way for me NOT to be complicit. The preferential treatment I have gotten is not something I can opt out of, at least not entirely. I have done what I can to help improve things, among other things I engaged in trying to get the church in Sweden to welcome the many homosexuals that wanted to remain part of the church. It took a lot of work, and it felt hopeless at times, but the swedish church HAS accepted them. I like to think I have some small part in making sure that happened. At work, I meet people in bad situations all day long, and I try to always keep in mind that part of what I see may be related to sexual preferences and identity.
I do this because it is, indeed it has always been, important to me that people are not badly treated because of who they are. I know a few gay people, and a few transsexuals, and they make it personal for me.
But... I am still straight. One of "the Straights". Just like the people I want society to accept, I can't change my sexual preferences or identity one whit.
As for "it is not a personal attack", I disagree. Respectfully, but firmly. It is not the blame in itself that is the problem. It is that you reduce me to "one of the bad people". Useless, faceless, evil. Only "one of them". Not to mention that it is quite misplaced. If you take all the groups that treat trans people badly, "straight people" is quite likely to be a very bad example.
Conservative christians do not dislike gays because they are straight themselves. They do it because it's a unifying common enemy they have chosen to identify their own group by.
Yes, straight people are some 80-90% of the population. Most of the bigots would identify as such. But they are a tiny minority in the mass of everyone straight. It's a bad term... and explaining your plight through "it's the fault of the Straights" isn't going to help you get where you want to go. Blame those who deserve it.
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Sissyl,
What you are doing in this post is deflecting from the issues marginalized people face and making their issues about you. The entire post is about how you should be specifically excluded when the marginalized group discusses the issues they face from other groups.
When someone refers to 'The Straights' it is done the same way women refer to men, or minorities refer to white people. It doesn't mean that every single member of that group is an awful horrible person out to get everyone from the other group. There are plenty of white people who are wonderful, compassionate, generous, kind people that aren't out to get the rest of us (in fact I very much believe that is true for the vast majority of white people). The same for men, and the same for straight people. It means that there is a problem with the way those groups as a whole interact with the other groups. This doesn't even mean active bigotry. There are plenty of small things we may not even notice that we say or do without realizing what they mean to marginalized groups. The society we grow up in, the people we grow up around influence us in ways that mean sometimes we think things are harmless, or don't think about things. I'm 100% certain I have said problematic things about LGBTQ people and women. Not a single one of us is perfect. When you or me are told we or our respective groups do these things that isn't a personal attack, they're trying to make the world a little better. You don't need to defend yourself, just listen and be better.
To expect a marginalized group to exclude specific individuals every time they discuss a group they are commonly marginalized by is ridiculous. Demanding that they acknowledge us as 'the good ones' any time they discuss the issue makes us not allies at all.
No one is asking you, or me, or anyone to change our identities or orientations or anything like that. We are being asked to listen, to empathize, and to be whatever force for change we are able to be however large or small that is. So instead of shouting 'Not all straights!' we should be saying, "I hear you. How can I help?"
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Sissyl,
What you are doing in this post is deflecting from the issues marginalized people face and making their issues about you. The entire post is about how you should be specifically excluded when the marginalized group discusses the issues they face from other groups.
When someone refers to 'The Straights' it is done the same way women refer to men, or minorities refer to white people. It doesn't mean that every single member of that group is an awful horrible person out to get everyone from the other group. There are plenty of white people who are wonderful, compassionate, generous, kind people that aren't out to get the rest of us (in fact I very much believe that is true for the vast majority of white people). The same for men, and the same for straight people. It means that there is a problem with the way those groups as a whole interact with the other groups. This doesn't even mean active bigotry. There are plenty of small things we may not even notice that we say or do without realizing what they mean to marginalized groups. The society we grow up in, the people we grow up around influence us in ways that mean sometimes we think things are harmless, or don't think about things. I'm 100% certain I have said problematic things about LGBTQ people and women. Not a single one of us is perfect. When you or me are told we or our respective groups do these things that isn't a personal attack, they're trying to make the world a little better. You don't need to defend yourself, just listen and be better.
To expect a marginalized group to exclude specific individuals every time they discuss a group they are commonly marginalized by is ridiculous. Demanding that they acknowledge us as 'the good ones' any time they discuss the issue makes us not allies at all.
No one is asking you, or me, or anyone to change our identities or orientations or anything like that. We are being asked to listen, to empathize, and to be whatever force for change we are able to be however large or small that is. So instead...
What Diego said.
Please stop #notall... ing.
*muses* My friends used to call me the Gnawer of *insert town*. Notall-ing. ;)
Anyways continue guys! :) I feel informed.
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Being a part of the majority is playing life on "Easy Mode."
I'm a straight-identified, cis, male, upper-middle-class, Christian, white guy. Most of the time, I get the benefit of the doubt. Most of the time, people take me at my word. They accept my checks. They trust me around their children. They let me walk around stores without following me. Cops let me talk my way out of tickets, and I've never had my car searched. People will even let me do questionable things without challenging me.
For example... A few years ago, I lost the key to my bicycle lock when my bike was chained up in front of the city library. I took the bus home, and then drove back with a hacksaw. It took me about fifteen minutes of sawing through the chain to free my bike, which I then proceeded to load into my car. Dozens of people watched me. Only two passersby asked me what I was doing: I said it was my bike and I'd lost my key to the chain. They said "OK," and went on their way. A cop car slowly drove by while I was sawing away, but didn't stop.
That's white privilege.
Seriously... would I have gotten the same reaction if I was black? Or Latino? Or trans?
I didn't ask for this benefit. I can't turn it off. I didn't choose to play life on "Easy Mode." But that's the lot in life I drew. I didn't even realize that others had to play in "Hard Mode" until I was well into my 30s. But it's important for me to realize that I have this privilege and to "use my powers for good" when I can.
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I'm always reminded of Chris Rock's "What, do you want a cookie?" skit.
*hands Rysky a cookie*
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No one is asking you, or me, or anyone to change our identities or orientations or anything like that. We are being asked to listen, to empathize, and to be whatever force for change we are able to be however large or small that is. So instead of shouting 'Not all straights!' we should be saying, "I hear you. How can I help?"What Diego said.
Please stop #notall... ing.
And this is why I am here. To learn how I can hope to do better.
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And this is why I am here. To learn how I can hope to do better.No one is asking you, or me, or anyone to change our identities or orientations or anything like that. We are being asked to listen, to empathize, and to be whatever force for change we are able to be however large or small that is. So instead of shouting 'Not all straights!' we should be saying, "I hear you. How can I help?"What Diego said.
Please stop #notall... ing.
Same for me.
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Thirded.
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Honestly I don't think of what I have as privilege. This isn't to say I'm not treated more equally than the LGBTQIA people are, as I most certainly am; What I mean is that everyone else should be treated the same as I am.
It shouldn't be a privilege to be secure in your sexuality (or lack thereof), race, religion, birth gender, ethnicity, or identity, that should be the norm for everyone.
That is what I hope to help achieve. Not that my privilege disappears, but that the way I have been treated is what everyone can expect from everyone else.
I don't know that I as a white straight male can do anything to help lead in such a case. It is my opinion my place is a supporting role and I can't do more than treat others as I would like to be treated, call others like me out for not doing the same, and support those in the struggle with their movement.
To be clear it isn't my movement because it isn't my struggle, but I will do everything I can to help make that struggle easier, and bring the end to the struggle faster. So I hope I am not a #NotAll type, I hope I am a #HelpYou type.
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Saying "well, only some straight people are a problem" allows straight people to exclude themselves from that "some." All straight people benefit from homophobia, biphobia, transphobia, etc... and they all need to reexamine how it has benefited them.
For example, I am white and racism and anti-blackness benefit me, even if I try to not participate in them. I have had a couple of bosses who I discovered later were anti-black. How many qualified applicants did they turn down because they were too black? Did I owe my job to their racism and anti-blackness? In all likelihood, yes. Do I feel bad that I benefited from it? Absolutely. Do my feelings matter more than the structural oppression against black people and other ethnic groups? Absolutely not.
These discussions of respectability and related semantics are red herrings to distract from the real issues. Respectability politics are a bourgeois neo-liberal waste of time that serve no purpose except to allow privileged groups excuses to disown oppressed groups the second they no longer become a safe pet project. Oppressed groups end up having to spend all their time justifying themselves to self-proclaimed allies rather than actually making progress towards freedom from oppression.
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I believe the issue of racism and other kinds of bigotry is that you allow yourself to treat people not as people but only as part of a group. This is what allows you to act badly to them, usually while still maintaining that you are a moral and upstanding person. If they were willing to treat people as human beings, with feelings, relevance, hopes, thoughts, agency and flaws, this would be impossible. Character, not the colour of the skin. Since that is the problem, I also believe treating people only as part of the group you want to assign to them is a way of compounding the problem.
I also understand it is not the view adopted in American politics overall. I can't change that. Nor can I stop believing that treating people as only parts of the group I assign to them is wrong, as bourgeois and neoliberal as that might be. But that is not the discussion you want here, so I will stop here. I wish everyone the best.
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As a white person who can usually pass for straight when I need to, I'm definitely not at all comfortable knowing I too have avoided facing even bigger setbacks and challenges simply because of the color of my skin and because I don't immediately clock as non-straight. It doesn't make me believe I'm a bad person*, but it is a constant irritant in my conscience... which I believe is a feature, not a bug. I hope that it will continue to push me to be more empathetic, more insistent to give others the benefit of the doubt, and more eager to offer a ready hand-up, shoulder to lean on, or ear to listen. I'm not perfect, and I will stumble and f!ck up in the future, but I have to hope that doesn't discourage me from continuing to strive to be better.