Contributor, RPG Superstar 2010 Top 8
aka Benchak the Nightstalker
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The Peerless Menagerie of Ashpanjara Isle
An hour’s journey across the sea west from Niswan lies the isle of Ashpanjara, a sprawling terraced garden filled with exotic and fragrant flora of unspeakable beauty. At its heart rests one Jalmeray’s greatest wonders, the Peerless Menagerie of Khiben-Sald (so called for in the eyes of the native Vudrani, no other collector in all of Golarion has yet matched the work of the great Maharaja).
Standing at center of Ashpanjara Isle, the Menagerie’s glistening white marble façade is visible for miles around. Finely-wrought cages of gold fill and surround the three-domed structure, running through even the stone of its walls like veins of ore through a great white mountain. The grounds and cages of the palace are home to an amazing assortment of animals, both fantastic and familiar, and all but those capable of flight are allowed to run free over the island. Even the most resplendent of these creatures pale in comparison to those found within the palace, where through potent genie magic the Maharaja provided his most exotic specimens with vast non-dimensional cells that perfectly replicate their natural habitats. From the tiled halls of Ashpanjara one can seemingly step from the sweltering jungles of Mwangi, to the sun-bleached wastes of Qadira, or even to the frozen expanse at the Crown of the World.
Khiben-Sald commissioned the Menagerie to celebrate the first anniversary of his arrival on Jalmeray. Once completed and filled to capacity, it boasted 1,001 of the world’s most fantastic and bizarre beings. In honor of Nex’s gift of Jalmeray, the Maharaja declared that twice each year he would open the gates of his island palace to any who wish to enter. This promise was fulfilled for the remaining nine years of his reign over Jalmeray. Guests were allowed to wander freely among even the most fearsome and vicious predators kept on the island, thanks to powerful sanctuary-like magic provided by the island’s genie caretakers. When the Maharaja and his court finally departed Jalmeray, the care and maintenance of Ashpanjara Isle was left in the hands of its sole remaining genie, a stern and severe Shaitan by the name of Ynsat-Bar.
A crafty and devious creature, the Shaitan foresaw the arrival of the exiled Arclords of Nex and was able to construct a force of Lantern Thralls large enough to defend the island. Bonding the thralls to her own elemental essence exempted them from the island’s pacifying effect, allowing them to battle intruders while still under the Menagerie’s protection. Tales soon spread among the Nexians that Ashpanjara was a haunted isle, to be avoided by all but the suicidal and the insane. Thus in 2822, when the Vudrani returned to reclaim Jalmeray, they found Ashpanjara more or less just as Khiben-Sald left it.
The first act of the returning Vudrani was to reinstate the edict of Khiben-Sald; twice each year the palace would open its doors and allow all to enter freely. This event draws visitors from all across the Inner Sea. Most seek excitement or wonder, others to study or observe. Rare few seek an audience with the most ancient and wise of the Menagerie’s residents, whom can be found in the fabled “Hall of the Enlightened.” Of particular note is the great bird Orokath, considered by many the last true Haga left in the world. The death of prophecy one hundred years ago tore through his noble race like a plague; most perished outright, while some lingered on as twisted mockeries of their former selves. Only through the sustaining effect of his magical prison was he able to survive, forever locked within his roost at the crown of Ashpanjara’s central dome. While unable to prophesize, Orokath nonetheless has much wisdom to share, for his memory stretches back to a time before the birth of man and holds many secrets dark and wondrous. Ynsat has the only key to the Hall of the Enlightened, thus any who wish to consult its residents must first prove their worth to her.
The current master of the Peerless Menagerie is a studious young Vudran rajah named Alissam-Tahn who inherited the position five years ago from his late father. Tahn’s ascension was not without intrigue, as his elder brother Nabbat was favored to take their father’s place. None suspect that Nabbat’s jovial exterior hides a heart filled with unyielding, murderous rage.
1. Ardorwesps Bearing Gifts (CR 8)
The island’s sanctuary effect has faltered, causing the strange sensation felt by the PCs at the start of this battle. Two human nobles (aristocrat 1) stand on the observation platform to the south, they are frightened and will try to flee up the stairs or down the hallway on their turn. The hourglass carried by the rearmost ardorwesp is an hourglass of the insightful conjurer currently charged with three mass cure light wounds spells. Unless perturbed the hourglass will activate on the fourth round of combat at the ardorwesps initiative, healing 3d8+9 points of damage to the closest nine creatures. Unlike most items of its kind, this hourglass is of inferior quality, and will crumble to dust once emptied of spells.
Creatures: Four ardorwesps have broken through the southern window. They engage the human nobles first, hoping to implant eggs. Once the nobles have fled or been implanted, they turn their attention to the PCs.
Ardorwesps (4) CR 3
XP 800 each
hp 22 each (RPG Superstar 2010)
Hazard: The chimera in the center cell along the north wall cannot leave his room, but will attack the first creature he sees crossing the doorway with his breath weapon. Treat this as a readied action to breathe a line of acid into the four squares directly south of the portal, dealing 6d8 points of damage. Creatures hit may make a reflex save DC 17 for half damage. He will repeat this action every 1d4 rounds, or until something attacks him, after which he retreats into his forest.
Development: The entire island is under attack at the behest of Nabbat, who has persuaded the insects to aid his bid for vengeance. For their part, the ardorwesps will receive free access to the islands supply of magical beasts and exotic flora. Nabbat also recently wrested control of the Shaitan’s compliment of Lantern Thralls, who may travel freely amongst the Menagerie’s cages thanks to their gaseous form. If Alissam-Tahn is killed, control of the island and its Shaitan protector will fall to Nabbat. Regardless, he has brought shame to the Peerless Menagerie and has earned the undying enmity of Ysnat-Bar. If the PCs can successfully defend Ashpanjara from the ardorwesps’ attack, the Shaitan will reward them generously.
Story/Set-Up/Location
Interesting, but this location confuses and scares me a little. Are each of these portals a functioning gate to another region across Golarion? If so, that presents some real problems for any GM using the location when nosy PCs start poking their heads in every portal. The background is deep and interesting, and functions well with the existing continuity. Including so many new creatures from this compilation is cute, but I think detracts, as this space could have been given over to a more nuanced encounter or build upon elements ingrained into the world.
Encounter
Pretty straight forward: There's monsters, get'em! The magic item adds a slightly more interesting element, but again feels more like an RPG Superstar Easter Egg than the best choice. The chimera element is probably the part that makes this most interesting, but I can't say I'm really sure where it is on this map.
Read Aloud Text
This assumes a lot of player action and reaction, which is a real no no as for as published text goes. This is pretty much saying, there's monsters and there's nothing the PCs could have done in all RPG-dom to detect it. It's descriptive, but takes a lot of control from the PCs, which can be fine in a home game, but not so good when you're writing for every party in the wide wold with wildly differing abilities and tactics.
Creature Use
Ardorwesps are neat, but I feel like these could have just as easily been any weird monster.
Map
This is tricky. What we have here is a case of clean and detailed but still not clear. There's a lot here I could see an artist - or really anyone - misinterpreting. I'm not clear on what the yellow areas are supposed to look like (should these be caged in) and the connected portals confuse me as I'm not sure what "cell" means in this contest - don't the portals go to weird places in the world? A few more clear walls could really help with this.
Also, always think twice about symmetrical dungeons. They're never as cool or interesting as you might initially think they are, and after the PCs explore one side, they pretty much know exactly what the other side (and any hidden elements) look like.
Overview
Very descriptive, very evocative, but not really nailing what an exciting adventure location should be. There's plenty of cool encounters this location could set up, but as for this presenting an example of a unique and fun encounter there, it misses the mark. Great game designers really need to look at their encounters with one eye toward the description and inspiration and the other on the rules and interesting implementation. You've got the first down, but the second needs work.
Initial Impression: Menageries always makes me think of classic Star Trek, which is generally a good thing. Interesting concept. I am wowed by the map, initially. But I think a closer look is going to reveal some issues. Let’s see…
Location (new Golarion location, name, overall design decision for location, playability/usability, niche, challenge, format and writing): B+
I like the idea of a menagerie. But I’m not sure that you nailed this as an adventure location. Locations at their core are places for adventure. Not just places to go for food or books or information, though the latter can be (the classic oracle in the dungeon, for instance). I’m not feeling the adventure here. But adventure doesn’t always mean combat and this setting certainly is unique and interesting. The backstory is creative and well done and inspires ideas. So I will reward that as I ding you just a tad. The writing is pretty good, too.
Map (necessary material for a cartographer, presence of mandatory content, quality of design decisions, playability/usability of the map, interaction with encounter): B-
I can’t believe I am saying this, but: that is not that good of a map. This is an example of why artistic merit is not the issue. Beautiful map. Colorful. But not that clear. I don’t know what is going on. I don’t know what those things are or what they mean. And I don’t want my cartographer to do colors, I want a map. How does the cage LOOK? It’s certainly not going to just be yellow in the final product. This map, believe it or not, is not good enough.
Encounter (monster choice, challenge, details, quality of design choices, interaction between encounter, map and location, format and writing): C-
This has been discussed before, but you cannot presume character actions in read aloud text. Yes, that makes read aloud text hard to do and often a bit boring. But you just can’t presume action. You presume the PCs see the chimera at a specific time, that they do nothing and continue on. Monsters then come out and only now do we learn there are other humans nearby. The chimera adds a cool angle, though how he can really be used is unclear (and that cannot be left unclear). Aside from that, this is just a “monsters attack” encounter. Very little unqiue or cool, other than the monsters themselves. But they are only unique and cool because they are from this contest. You could have jammed in any monster, from stirges to su monsters to whatever. This encounter is flat, and coupled with the read aloud text problem, that is fatal.
Tilt (gut reaction, do I want to use it, other unique positive or negative circumstances not covered above): B-
I got over my initial interest in this one quickly. I still really like the backstory and the genie and all that fun stuff. So my gut reaction still lingers a bit to the positive side.
Overall: B-
Oh Ben, the gut stone was great, the chymick really good and your churjiir also very good. I told you last round you had Superstar stuff. But what is really Superstar is bringing it over and over, round after round. I don’t think you did that here. It will be up to the voters to decide. These later rounds are hard because by this time every competitor has shown chops more than once and it is always hard to cut from the top 8. But I just can’t recommend you advance. Good luck.
Recommendation: I DO NOT recommend this entry advance.
I would give this map reference a grade of B.
Nice clean vector color map reference. I think too much use of color is sometimes a bad thing.
Are the solid grey areas walls?
I think this plan seems a bit too modern in design.
More description and less vivid color would help.
LOCATION
We don't capitalize monster race names (Shaitan, Lantern Archon, Chimera).
It is a neat location, though I'm not sure why the PCs would want to visit here.
ENCOUNTER
Here's some advice on the use of the word "will."
We try to avoid using "you" in read-aloud text, especially if in presumes actions by the PCs. Unfortunately, we are not as successful at this as we would like, but keep it in mind.
We don't italicize conditions such as frightened.
I'm not sure you can use the hourglass in that manner (but that's a fault of the item, not this encounter). However, I do think it is cheese to drop a 20,000 gp magic item in front of the PCs and then have it self-destruct.
MAP
The descriptive text for the Location mentions domes, but I'm not positive where they are on this map. Are they bounded by the triangular black areas?
Some of the areas shown are pretty confusing because of the colors and such. For example, the central "dome" has a set of double doors leading into it, but those double doors are behind a caged area (yellowish). As other yellowish areas have actual doors leading into them, I'm guessing that you can't just walk into a caged area (um, because it's a cage). So what's going on with that dome? Why have a double door that leads into a 5' by 30' cage? Is the only way into that dome via the central staircase? That's the drawback of using a color-scheme to define areas rather than an overhead drawn representation (and I understand the software tools you have may limit what you can do). The key is to present the info clearly enough that the cartographer can translate your color-coded map into an overhead-realistic map.
For tactical maps like this one, we usually use 5 foot squares because that's what a GM will use for a battle map scale; using 10 foot squares runs the risk of the GM drawing everything at the wrong size. I bring this up specifically because I assumed the scale was 5 feet, and the 100 ft. radius blast of the big meteor made me wonder, "well, isn't that pretty much this entire encounter area?," which would be true if the map's scale was 5 feet per square; then I checked the scale and found it was 10 feet. People expect 5-foot squares on tactical maps (rather than 10-foot squares), just as they expect country map scale to be in miles rather than leagues.
OVERALL
Interesting Location, Encounter has some minor problems, Map is confusing. I'd send this back for some revisions and clarifications, but I think it is salvageable.
This is a case where too much color is confusing. The layout is clear and clean, but am left unclear if the structure was built with such sharp angles to match the environment. I have some concern as well for interior elevations or the thickness of the walls for the scale being 1 SQ=10ft. Most players do expect a 5ft/SQ scale, but if this building is as large as needed, then perhaps a little less symmetry could break the space better. Some notes on top of the layout might be a better direction to call out details rather than having to decipher the colored key, but not a bad starting place. B
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Contributor, RPG Superstar 2010 Top 8
aka Benchak the Nightstalker
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I can't say much, on account of the rules, but I do want to sincerely thank all the judges for their time and responses. Like I've said every round so far, I'm trying my best to improve and will keep your criticisms in mind, should I advance.
To everyone else, please take the time to comment and let me know what you think, and especially, how I might improve in the next round. I'd also beg the chance to participate, if you're willing to give it to me in the form of your votes.
Name: 9/10
An excellent name, I want to learn more. I can expect an asortment of critters.
Description: 8/10
A solid description. I'm not as certain what kind of adventure takes place here. Are the characters invading a palace? Or are they ust visiting and some critters get loose?
Map: 9/10
I like the use of color. Clear and easy to tell what is what.
Encounter: 7/10
Ardorwesps are certainly popular. Missing an HP and CR reference for the chimera. A solid encounter, but it didn't wow me.
Overall: 4,536
This scale is all numbers multiplied. In my top 4. I look forward to seeing what you can do!
Congrats once again on making the Top 8! I'm going to review all 8 submissions using the same criteria. I'm not reading any other comments beforehand, so apologies if I repeat something another reviewer has written.
1. Map - Yikes! Your map sort of intimidates me. There is a lot going on here, and a lot more color than I'm used to. I'm not digging that I have to ponder for a few minutes and figure out that green circles are thrones and green squares are planters. And your portals are completely throwing me for a loop - there are just too many to keep track of. As a DM or cartographer I would have to invest some serious time interpreting this bad-boy. Still, it is neat and legible....but it had better be since it's computer generated! Grade = C.
2. Quality - You can write, that's for sure! I absolutely LOVED the intro text. However after I hit the read-aloud text, it got a little messy. "This halls many portals..." is one example. Plus, where are the stats for the chimera? Grade = B (The beautiful intro text saved you from a C).
3. Creativity - The fluff behind the intro text is the stuff of legends - it's awesome. I can see an entire campaign springing from the words you're woven here. But the encounter is just a little clunky. Why are the monsters using a mass healing item on their enemies? Is it just for the ardorwesps and their allies? I'm not exactly sure. Grade = C.
4. Wow Factor - Do I want to use this location/encounter? I love the Vudran vibe, and the idea of a magical menagerie is very intriguing. However, there's something a little intimidating about the whole package. Even though I doubt I would use it for my game, it still has some mojo peaking through. Grade = B.
Final Grade = 2.5, which is a C.
After I review everyone else, I'll cast my vote. Good luck!
Chief Technical Officer
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Hmm, I read that as the material type (eg. the sound of a crystal cup breaking, the sound of the brass gong ringing, the sound of the gold wire breaking.)... followed by the sound of gold wire twisting apart.Valeros: Hey, guys... I think I just heard wire twisting apart.
Seoni: Really? What color wire?
Valeros: It sounded gold to me.
Color... material... either way, my point is that he's trying to engage the sense of sound, but not doing so especially effectively. I have no idea what "gold wire twisting apart" sounds like, and I don't think most people would, so it's not really an evocative description.
I do give him a point for at least thinking about sound in his description; I just wish he'd pulled it off better.
I can see this as the initial encounter on a running battle to reach the haga before the other monsters rampage out of control. I like it, good luck, sir!
-Ben.
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I would give this map reference a grade of B.
Nice clean vector color map reference. I think too much use of color is sometimes a bad thing.
Are the solid grey areas walls?
I think this plan seems a bit too modern in design.
More description and less vivid color would help.
I don't think the plan is too "modern" -- in fact, it reminds me a bit of the Delvehaven in Westcrown. Having said that, I was also confused by the vivid colors and think this could have worked better in black and white (for example, why do caged areas need a color of their own?).
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I like this entry.
While I acknowledge some of the stated problems with the execution, I think the Menagerie has a far more intriguing and compelling storyline than many of the other entries. That may be part of the problem; this is almost a module pitch in some ways -- the isle, the genie, the lantern thralls, the haga, the feuding brothers...but it feels big and interesting and creative. This is part of a story I want to read.
So Benjamin (narrowly) gets my 4th place vote, over the Observatory.
Very nice background story; it really gave me a feel for the world setting. That said, I'm not sure what's going on here. I like the menagerie, but the whole plot is a "right place, right time" thing which a lot of players in my experience really don't care for. It too often becomes the GM leading the players around by the nose, forcing them into one encounter after another in a specific order of events, when they would rather explore their surroundings and see where fate takes them. I'm not sure what to make of the andorwesps; I'm not really sure if they would have been the appropriate round 3 monster to use here. Yes, the managerie is ample feeding ground for them, but the cages and stonework and other accessories could easily have been ample feeding ground for the chymick. For that matter, you have cold climate cages, so why not use the chaitrakhan? Nice nod to the haga, BTW; that was cute :-)
Overall, I really like the theme of a menagerie; an excellent excuse to have any creatures not normally sharing a habitat come together. However, the map is a headache. I like the overall building design, but prefer my map keys to rely more on symbols and less on colors.
Contributor, RPG Superstar 2010 Top 8
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Ben,
I love the history of this place.
Were it not open material at present I would invest in rogue levels that I might sap you on the noggin and steal it from you.
It reminds me of what Nick Quimby/Hydro said about creating a location that you'd want to use even after the encounter.
I think you've done it here.
Best of luck this round.
-QGJ
Mad bonus points for finding a way to reference many prior submissions from earlier rounds. Great locale for high level or high powered campaigns: essentially this is a zoo of pocket dimensions, or will be after editorial takes a hand. Very evocative descriptions of the island and its history, although I'd caution you against massive blocks of text in the next round. The plot of the defeated son is essentially that he's taking over the island, and any LOST reference deserves support. For an assault on the entire island in a high powered setting, this is a rather low-level encounter. You had room to play with more creatures with greater variety here. Pay attention to the advice regarding boxed text.
Bottom line: creative, exotic locale with massive potential actually has a running adventure plot associated with it, but suffers from a few silly errors in presentation.
This gets a vote from me.
I like it a lot - the map and the setup. The encounter is a little weird and confusing, I guess I need to read a lot of other descriptions (of monsters and magic items) to really get it. One of the ones I'm voting for, definitely.
Momentum: 8
Occasionally sloppy prose aside, I've absolutely loved your concepts every round.
Location: 7
I did a magical zoo once. It was nothing compared to this. Do I forsee the PCs coming here frequently? No, it's more of a single-encounter location, aside possible courtly visits. But it will be remembered, no doubt.
Encounter: 4
It's just another fight, really. There's a chimera pretending to be a magic trap, forcing me to roll 1d4 and count rounds for yet another status, and that's honestly more annoying than anything. And there's another timer on a heal bomb, which is uncommon but not really exciting. That the ardorwesps go after the weaker NPCs first is probably the most interesting thing about the fight: it seems appropriate to their nature, and depending on PC alignments/personalities, could be a bigger and more memorable spur to action than attacks against the party directly.
Plot: 6
Covert courtly intrigue! A bitter brother's blood feud! Dour genies waiting in the wings! Solid hooks abound. Good show.
Round 3 Tie-In: 6
Ardorwesp: Calistria: Revenge. You weren't the only one to pick this angle, but that's OK: it's exactly the right angle.
Golarion Tie-In: 7
While not as tightly bound as Jim's observatory, plenty of threads secure this location. The courtly intrigue is related to existing international politics; the position of genies within Golarion is not common to other settings; the architecture is appropriate to the geographic region.
Map Quality: 5
I figured it out, but only after a lot of staring. The colors are garish, and you used color-coding in some places where I think different line styles would have been a better choice. Still, it's all there.
Text Quality: 6
You're marked down here for entirely too many shout-outs. While I cracked a grin seeing the thralls mentioned, they weren't actually part of What's Happening Now. Ditto the haga, and after that, the hourglass was just too much (especially since it wasn't quite the hourglass because the actual hourglass obviously didn't fit the CR). If you had cut all those winks and nods, you would have had a lot more room to make the encounter more exciting.
You only pulled 1st place due to the Momentum score, though you would have been in that tight top-3 cluster either way. This wasn't the best of the round; I think you had the tools available, but you misapplied them in a few places. Round 5 is Highlander rules, so sharpen your hammer!
RPG Superstar 2008 Top 32, 2011 Top 16
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Star Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka JoelF847
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Hmmm, my overall impression is that you tried to do a bit too much here, and tried to show you were clever, and it didn't really work. In essesnse, you were trying too hard. Your map is a perfect example of this - it's just too busy. Wiht all of the color in there, it reminds me of a Christmas Tree.
As for the text part of your entry, I felt that you spent too much time talking about the history of the location, at the expense of what's going on there now. Until the development section of the encounter, way at the end, I had no real idea of a) why this is an adventure location, and b) that there was a coup attempt going on. You could have trimmed some stuff out to talk more about the location in the present day. In particular, I didn't like "Peerless Menagerie of Khiben-Sald (so called for in the eyes of the native Vudrani, no other collector in all of Golarion has yet matched the work of the great Maharaja)." I felt that you're basically telling us it's called Peerless because the locals, in their exotic Vudran way felt that it was the best, which is basically what peerless means. That's like saying the Scarlet temple is called that because the natives noticed that it was covered in bright red tiles.
While the history of the sanctuary effect explains how the menagerie worked, I was wondering how that would allow for typical adventures, and was really puzzled by the ardorwesp attack therefore. I think that if the current conditions are that the sanctuary effect was broken or turned off, then that should have been in the location description - it's a pretty important condition. It's like describing a volcano and forgetting to mention that it happens to be errupting.
I also have to echo the complaint of the hourglass that self destructs. If you want to have a one shot magic item, there's lots of them around, but to just turn a permanent item into a one-shot item seems a bit cheap. Finally, I felt that you were trying to show how clever you were that you could fit so many of the previous round's elements in. To me the choice of a menagerie was just like a 'gotcha' I can put in lantern thralls, ardorwesps, hagas, and while I didn't mention it, there's churigiirs, chymics, and astrumals too!
While I liked your take on the Haga a lot better than the R3 version, I thought this round was supposed to use R3 versions of the monsters, not the R2 versions. You backstory, while good, is in direct contradiction with R3 version. In addition, I felt that you spent too much of your word count essentially re-writing the haga background, instead of talking about your loaction and what makes it interesting.
Actually, Leif the inclusion of the haga was pretty seamless for me. It's like they're endangered species being kept in a preserve.
Actually, Leif the inclusion of the haga was pretty seamless for me. It's like they're endangered species being kept in a preserve.
Oh, I agree, it fit very well. It was a perfectly elegant shout-out. But it was still only a shout-out, which is only one tiny step removed from an in-joke, and the encounter was definitely lacking. It's a matter of priorities, is all.
I'm afraid there is just enough wrong with this entry to keep me from voting for it.
The description of the location definitely evokes the opulence and extravagance of the Vudrani nobles of Jalmeray, but it doesn't make this location interesting enough to make me want to adventure there. This is a Golarion vacation destination rather than an adventure location.
Your map has some problems. The symmetry makes the location seem boring. I know you had to make it symmetrical because this menagerie was deliberatly landscaped for the amusement of decadent Vudrani nobles. I'm sure they appreciate the symmetry more than we voters do.
While your map is colorful, it is also confusing in several places, as the cartographer judges pointed out.
I don't care for the encounter or the way it is set up. You tell us there's a haga and several lantern thralls here, then you give us ardorwesps (?!) for the actual encounter. For shame.
You also assume certain PC actions to set the encounter up. Your read-aloud text actually dictates certain actions that the PCs take. That's a big no-no.
I'm not sure including the hourglass of the insightful conjurer in the encounter was really within the spirit of the rules. Also, I doubt a combat with only four ardorwesps is actually going to last until the fourth round when the hourglass activates. I think the ardorwesps would have to fight very conservatively to last that long.
On the plus side, the overall adventure suggested by the submission has potential to be interesting. I could get interested in squabbling Vudrani rajahs and a shaitan zookeeper. Unfortunately, that's not really what this round of the contest was about, and the actual required elements have too many flaws for me to vote for you.
Contributor, RPG Superstar 2008 Top 4, Legendary Games
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I like menageries, and you get bonus points for using a shaitan. Then I thought it was neat that you used the lantern thralls. Then I thought "okay, it's enough now" when you threw in ardorwesps. Then "dude, seriously" when you threw in the hourglass. It was just too much stuff going on.
The background is good; a little heavy given your word count, but not overboard.
The big problem, though, is the map, which I'm sorry to say was nearly incomprehensible to me. Are the caged areas blocking the horizontal hallways? Are they arched over them? What do you mean by "gates to the same cage?" It's unclear if the monsters live in the cages or in huge habitats inside the gates - are the cages like "viewing areas" for the habitats? Where is the chimera? Where are the ardorwesps? What portal are you referring to? There are several around the number 1. No numbers on any of the other locations on this map? Seriously? Why is the chimera only attacking with breath weapon rather than in melee; is he breathing THROUGH the cage and onto PCs on the other side? Is the breath weapon damaging the cage?
In sum, the encounter idea is neat, but the execution is kind of like "grab bag monster soup" and the map drags it way down. I'd call this one a swing and a miss, but I've liked some of your earlier stuff and we'll see if you get through for a shot at the brass ring.
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Name (81pts)
Menagerie. Good idea. Unique, attractive, I like it.
Writing (100pts)
Very well written. Period. Juicy words. I had this adventurous feeling about your writing. Awesome.
Map (49pts)
I'm on the fence on this one. I like the colorfulness, even though it shouldn't matter if it's colorful or not. I think that it's a great map, but only because it's colorful. Mr.Bruck, you have got away from getting 0 points. You've got 49pts.
Creature (36pts)
Again I'm on the hook. I like the super surprising feeling, but as Clark pointed out, this is a 'monsters attack' encounter. You're less lucky here.
General (81pts)
I liked the gut-stone, I liked the Chymick and really, that made me want to read this. The ‘monsters attack’ theme lost you some points, but the writing makes up for that. Congratulations, you've received my last vote.
(Behind Mr.McGee,Mr.MacLeod and Mr.Hunt)
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Contributor, RPG Superstar 2010 Top 8
aka Benchak the Nightstalker
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I want to apologize for the state of my entry this round.
I knew my map and encounter weren't gonna hack it, but I just ran out of time and had to get something put together to submit. I got too involved in writing the Location portion, spent way too much time on that, and in doing so sabotaged the rest of my entry. It was a stupid mistake, and one we were all warned not to make, but I guess it was a lesson I needed to learn the hard way.
To everyone who commented, thanks for taking the time, and thanks for showing me where I need to improve.
To those of you who voted for the Menagerie, thank you so much for your support! I promise if I get through to the next round, I'll do my best to knock your socks off.
EDIT: Not to say that you shouldn't enjoy my entry as is. Just saying, I feel I could have done a much better job.
RPG Superstar 2010 Top 32
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I'm really sorry you didn't make it to round 5, Ben. Out of all the contestants, I was looking forward to reading your adventure proposal the most. Every round, you created something that I thought was really cool, professional, and original.
I really hope you'll follow through on getting published this year. I guarantee you that I'll buy a module you write.
Ben,
I didn't see this coming. I still think you're a strong competitor, and I hope you keep writing and designing.
Ladies and Gentlemen,
I'd like to share something wise Benjamin Bruck shared with me. He asked me candidly, "But are you having fun? Because I am. Sure I want to win, but I also just like seeing how well I can do." Simple, but straight to the point. There is a lot of wisdom in those words, and I scratched my head thinking about it all the way home.
I understand about the No-Return Rule for the Top 8, but this is the heartbreaker for me.
Best wishes Ben!
Benjamin
I don't suppose it's much comfort, but I wanted to add my sorry to not making round 5. Your ideas were very creative in my mind, and I thought you had a good chance to make it all the way.
I thought the Menagerie was an excellent example of that creativity. But I can see where the map was a little intimdating (and confusing), and the encounter was too much of "mid-stream" event - not really flowing well on it's own. Best of luck with future endeavors.
I'd like to share something wise Benjamin Bruck shared with me. He asked me candidly, "But are you having fun? Because I am. Sure I want to win, but I also just like seeing how well I can do."
Well-spoken, Watcher, and good to know. Again, good luck in whatever you do next, Benjamin.
Out of all the contestants, I was looking forward to reading your adventure proposal the most.
Ditto. So I think you should write it up and publish it anyway! :D
Out of all the contestants, I was looking forward to reading your adventure proposal the most.Ditto. So I think you should write it up and publish it anyway! :D
I don't know about anyone else, but I've been doing each of the round's tasks just for the experience of doing them. I may not be able to have them voted on, but I'm still learning from it.
So yeah, write it anyway! :)
Too bad, man. You had my vote.
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Contributor, RPG Superstar 2010 Top 8
aka Benchak the Nightstalker
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Thanks to everyone for the kind words and encouragement! It's cool to see so many people were looking forward to my Round 5 Entry, I'm sorry I won't be participating either.
I will be writing my adventure up, probably as a proposal to start, but I don't think it'll get posted anywhere until after voting ends. The last thing I want to do is distract people from the real Top 4 competitors, this is their time to shine.
Beyond that? I'm definitely going to keep writing. Before this contest I hadn't honestly considered RPG design as something I could do professionally. Making the Top 8 (or Top 32 for that matter!) has been a real eye opener for me. I do have a lot to learn, but I'm confident that I can learn this stuff, that I can and will grow as an author, and that this is something I should seriously pursue.
So keep an eye out for me this year! I'll be submitting to any Open Calls/Contests that catch my eye, and of course I'd be more than happy to take on any assignments from Paizo should they have anything to offer me. I may be out of this game, but I'm not down for the count yet!
Thanks again, to everyone, and especially to those of you who have supported me in this contest. You guys make this contest awesome.
-Benjamin Bruck
It's sad to see you go, Ben.
I really liked your Gut-stone, and your Churjir stats were bang-on perfect, with some clever abilities to boot.
I remember reading the Top 32 items and going "hmm, this Bruck fellow is one to watch out for." That's still true, by the way - I suspect we'll see you again, and I wish you the best of luck!
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RPG Superstar 2010 Top 8
aka AWizardInDallas
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Ben, honestly I thought we'd both advance to the next round and I really thought for sure that you were going to be a real tough act to follow! I also really thought you'd be one to beat and I'm still stunned you're not mixing it up at the top.
Your gut-stone was my favorite item. It really appealed to my own oddball sensibilities. I also thought the chymik was damned clever too; monsters are rarely helpful like that.
Admittedly I disliked the two-headed rat critter thingie, no matter who was tackling it, but tastes vary. I did like the creative names you came up with for it's powers though. Finally... your map first looked like an old 1970s television test pattern to me, I'm immediately sorry to say. But looking past the colors your eye for layout, detail and design is granite solid.
Sincerely, it was a genuine privilege to compete with you and I wish you the very best in all your future writing and design endeavors. You're RPG Superstar material in my book!
Mr. Bruck,
I, like several others, am really shocked you did not make it into the top 4. I actually thought that next round you, along with Mr. McGee were going to be the people to beat.
I wish you the best of luck with your proposal and future projects with Paizo.
~LD.
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Contributor
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Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka Boxhead
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The hourglass carried by the rearmost ardorwesp is an hourglass of the insightful conjurer currently charged with three mass cure light wounds spells. Unless perturbed the hourglass will activate on the fourth round of combat at the ardorwesps initiative, healing 3d8+9 points of damage to the closest nine creatures.
Ah, that warms the heart a little. Thanks for the nod! Sorry you're not advancing.