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Hey Jace,
Your templating looks good. Only thing I see is the weight should be an em-dash (ctrl-alt-hyphen on a PC), not a hyphen as you have. That's pretty minor for Superstar (most people won't worry about it), but for actual designers it would mean more work.
In the body of the text you call it a "+1 firearm bullets" and it should be bullet. Also, you should try to avoid using forms of "to be" as your verb if possible, and IMO references to normal. The description is your chance to impress readers with writing, even if sometimes that can be difficult with some items. Here, though, I might write something like "A faint crosshatch pattern covers this slightly longer than normal +1 firearm bullet." It's basically the same thing you wrote but a little more active verb and getting the interesting part of the description up to the front.
I'd probably have it be a +1 net, just to maintain consistency, though I might then have it crumble to dust if it misses or isn't entangling a target (I assume that's why you made it masterwork, so it didn't start spawning magic weapons, and maybe that works just as well, but I think keeping it consistent maintains ... er, consistency.
I also might tweak it slightly to say that when it hits a target it morphs into a net (as opposed to mid-shot) as that might eliminate some confusion over range and whether the morphing affects that at all...
Thank you for your advice. The reason for the -s on the end of bullet was that i had originally going to have this be several bullets, but then i was looking through the Ultimate Equipment and noticed that any special bullets I found there were sold singly and not in groups. When I changed it over to a single bullet, I had tried to correct most of the grammatical errors, but it seems that i missed some.
Here is an updated version with your advice in mind.
Snaring Bullet
Aura faint transmutation; CL 3rd
Slot none; Price 200 gp; Weight —
Description
A faint crosshatch pattern covers this slightly longer than normal +1 firearm bullet. If the bullet hits the target, it morphs into a net that wraps around the target. This net is used to entangle the target as normal. The net is a +1 net for the effects of this, but once the net is removed from the target it is entangling it dissolves into a pile of string.
Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, entangle; Cost 100 gp
Jace - lookin good, and I like the concept.
There are a few things that jump to mind when I read this:
- You may want hyphens in the adjectival phrase for the bullet in the first line, i.e., "longer-than-normal +1 firearm bullet" or "slightly-longer-than-normal +1 firearm bullet." I bet Jacob can weigh in with more authority than myself on that count (if he sees this).
- A normal net has that "trailing rope" thing — you may want to specify whether that option remains.
- A net functions only against creatures within 1 size category of the thrower (just thinking out loud, not sure if this needs to be addressed).
- I wonder if the price is too low, since its effect requires at least a full round to escape, there's no save, and it doesn't have the limitations (range, exotic, etc) of a thrown net.
- These 2 sentences: "This net is used to entangle..." and "The net is a __ for the effects of this..." seem to read just a little awkwardly to me, and I would consider rewording.
- Perhaps it could simply have a duration before it dissolves, instead of dissolving when it's removed?
"When a snaring bullet strikes a creature, it deals no damage. Instead, it immediately transforms into a net that unfurls and entangles the targeted creature as if the creature were hit with a thrown net. The net has the same statistics as an ordinary net, except that it has no trailing rope. Whether or not the targeted creature remains entangled within it, the net dissolves and falls apart 1 minute after it unfurls."
Let me know if you agree or disagree with my thoughts and/or wording.
It looks like my monthly item has turned into a monthly catch up on critiques :P
Gossiping Parchment
PASSIVE VOICE (OVS): This folded sheet of parchment is covered with indecipherable squiggles.
ACTIVE VOICE (SVO): Indecipherable squiggles cover this folded sheet of parchment.
I really like the flavor, keep them coming :)
Pitch Figurine
Nice work! :)
Snaring Bullet
Short and sweet, something I aspire to. Nice job :)
Very nice rewrite, keep up the good work :)
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Is there any general advice people can give for designing specific magic weapons or armor?
My general advice for weapons and armor would be the same as any RPGSS item really. Read through SKR's advice columns (linked above I believe) and look at what has been done in the past. Not just by Paizo, but in particular the Critique my item threads. The last couple of seasons will give advice on weapons, but you will have to read through a couple dozen pages. Read ALL the entries, not just the ones that interest you (learn from other's mistakes, you won't live long enough to make them all yourself :). I might recommend favoriting the ones you find most helpful, then go back and compile them into your own document. AA has a document/blog that pretty much covers his notes from several years.
Philosophy question:
Is it a bad idea to make an item that has dis-synergy with a particular class? Is "balancing by item-type" typically frowned upon?
I think that 'item proficiency' is not a balancing factor. An evil weapon that synergizes with a paladin's smite evil might be, or the metallic druid's armor mentioned above. Cherry picking a class for a single ability is fairly common, and martial weapon proficiency is easy to come by. Dipping for weapon proficiency at the very least gives a bonus feat (by choosing fighter) but could offer rage, smite evil, domains, etc..
Whew. I finally found the post with the helpful links: :)
Let's not forget Sean's consolidated advice thread
And the PaizoCon RPG Superstar panel recording - required listening for anyone serious about the contest.
Finally, let me add from personal experience - practice and plan for ALL the rounds of the contest, not just round 1. Read up on how to do a monster stat-block, how to make a memorable villain, how to make a fun and challenging encounter and the five important elements of adventure design. Because once you see your name among those 31 others, your brain will implode, and if this stuff is not second nature to you, you will be at a serious disadvantage going forward. Trust me, I know.
Good luck, everyone - bring out the awesome.
Also - dot.
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I will go ahead and echo Jacob Treir's advice here.
There is a big difference between "hoping" you make it through the first round, and preparing you make it through the first round. You want to be prepared, you don't want to be hopeful. If your hopeful, like I was, it will BLOW YOUR MIND. It will send your thoughts sprawling across the sea of oblivion in a storm of fragments, reflecting the hollow thoughts and ideas back at you. Thoughts mutated and twisted by ecstatic unfocused joy.
I ran a victory lap around my cubical when I found out.
You do not want to flounder on the second round. My map was a classic example of that floundering, and I will own it. I fixated on a specific pair of words in my entry. Flip-Mat. I know that, now. I built a very generic location, and I used very generic images to have the map usable in any individual's plots, plans and schemes.
I did not pay enough attention to previous contests, or entries as to the map round, and this year; I plan on studying those more and more. Read The Consolidated advice thread! Sean has a really good thread there, filled with excellent advice.
Read everyone's advice, do not stop learning, do not stop reading. I need to use cleaner word choice. I need to use less confusing sentence structure.
I too got caught I that wording trap that Jarrett fell into, though in our defense, I've noted that quite a few of the more vocal voters had taken the same stance on it. The judges however, didn't, so none of the generic and reusable maps made it through.
RPG Superstar 2012 Top 32
,
Champion Voter Season 6, Champion Voter Season 7, Champion Voter Season 8, Champion Voter Season 9
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The idea each round is to create something that leaves a lasting good impression. Make something with a lasting bad impression and you get vague posts, that while not specifically naming your submission, leave the prodigious voters knowing exactly which item it is.
I won't lie, every year there is an item that comes across really bad when I first see it. And the next time I see it, I want to downvote it before I have read its competition.
Pff... No pressure then. Time to start thinking up and typing up magic items for another merry-go-round.
Hello everybody, this is my firt submision for blazing nine. I hope you enjoy.
Thank You!
Like some ghostly black child, this mischiveous creature wears a radiant blue scarf and smokes a longpipe.
Piper CR 4
XP 1,200
CE Small fey (incorporeal)
Init +9; Senses darkvision 60 ft.; Perception +11
----- Defense -----
AC 20, touch 16, flat-footed 15 (+5 Dex, +4 Deflection, +1 Size)
hp 27 (6d6+6)
Fort +5, Ref +10, Will +7
Defensive Abilities incorporeal DR 5/cold iron
----- Offense -----
Speed 20 ft. Fly 60 ft. (good)
Melee dagger +9 (1d3-1)
Ranged darts +9 (1d3)
Spell-Like Abilities (CL 6th; concentration +10)
Constant - Fly
At will – Cause fear (DC 15), Ventriloquism (DC 15), Disguise Self (DC 15)
3/day— Invisibility, Minor image (DC 16), Haunting Mist (DC 16)
1/day— Deep Slumber (DC 17)
-----Statistics-----
Str 8, Dex 20, Con 13, Int 14, Wis 15, Cha 18
Base Atk +3; CMB +2; CMD 17
Feats Improved initiative, Weapon finesse, Great fortitude.
Skills Fly +18, Perform (Comedy) +13, Escape Artist +16, Disguise +10, Knowledge (nature) +11, Perception +11, Stealth +20, Survival +8; Racial Modifiers +4 stealth(in Jungle)
Languages Common and Sylvan
----- Ecology -----
Environment Tropical Jungle
Organization solitary, pair, or gang (3–5)
Treasure standard
----- Special Abilities -----
Shrill Whistle (Su) As a stardard action a piper can produce a sound like a whistle that alerts other pipers in 1 mile about his position. Other creatures cannot determine from where the sound comes.
Blue Scarf (Su) A piper wears a blue, radiant blue scarf. While wearing this scarf, a piper body is incorporeal and he can fly at will. These abilities are lost if the scarf is removed or destroyed. Scarfs are not transferable, even between pipers. The piper become slave from those who possesses his scarf and will obey all her commands.
These terrifying fey exist to eliminate all the peace of those you walk through the jungle. Pipes are mainly recognized for his totally black body, his blue scarves and their long pipes. These beings feed and live the fear of those who cross their paths. Rumors say that the piper powers reside in her scarf and anyone who can catch it will have full control over the creature. Pipers usually torment their victims in groups, producing acute whistles and confusing their prey into the forest. Pipers are treacherous and mischievous and can fool even those who consider themselves wiser enough.
Hey Balano,
Welcome to Blazing 9; good to see new faces.
I'm afraid I think the piper needs a little work. Please keep in mind that I'm judging as if I were judging for Superstar, so I hope you'll see this all as constructive. I don't mean to pile on.
Starting with the name, I think it needs to be more evocative. Naming's very tricky (I often struggle with it with my monsters), but using just a single word like this (or a generic adjective noun as a name, a la slithering horor) can be confusing: Players won't know if you're talking about a piper as in this specific monster or as in someone playing a pipe.
Reading the description, I immediately start to get a twinge of uneasiness. When you make the creature a ghostly black child, I'm immediately concerned about certain stereotypes creeping in. Maybe this is more of an American thing (I don't know where you're from), but from that point on, I started reading with a lot of trepidation. When you then say the piper becomes a slave to anyone who possesses the bad scarf, my guess is any publisher would feel a strong need to start changing things. Even if that didn't ever cross your mind, having it cross mine is problematic.
Moving on to your write-up, I think I can see how I would use this as a GM, but the writing is a bit disjointed. For example, you write they exist "to eliminate all the peace of those you walk through the jungle" when I think you mean "...of those WHO walk..." In the next sentence, you have "pipes" instead of "pipers" and you change from singular to plural pronouns (his body, his scarves and their long pipes -- which you have as two words here, and one word in the description).
I think your order's also a little jumbled. You start with why they exist, then what they look like, then what they feed on. Then you go to rumors saying how they can be controlled, before circling back to how they act.
Looking at the stat block:
For CR 4, we want to try to hit the values on the monster creation table:
AC + (should be 17)
HP - (should be 40)
saves +/+/= (should be 3/7/7)
Atk + (should be +6 to +8)
Dmg - (should be 12-16)
DCs =
So you've got a low hp, but that's probably balanced by the high AC and saves, and of course being incorporeal. It's going to be tough to hit, but once you do it'll go down fast.
On the other hand, while it may have a little more luck hitting, it does almost no damage. I like sometimes having something that's frustrating to take down and gets you with pin pricks, but if you assume you're fighting four or five enemies, it's really not going to be able to do enough IMO to ever make itself seem like a threat to players. If it were facing just a second-level fighter, it's likely got to do 20 points of damage, which would probably take about 10 rounds (yes, it has spells that could level the field somewhat, but I think it's still too low); maybe you could give it a sneak attack to help add some damage potential? (Also, your dagger should have the expanded crit range.)
Some other stat block issues:
- Your stat array has four even stats, and two odd; it should have three of each.
- Your feats, skills, and spells should all be in alphabetical order.
- Spells should be lowercase and italicized. Also, it looks like you have em-dashes (which is what you want to use) after 3/day and 1/day, but not after the constant and at-will spells. You also don't want spaces on either side of the em-dash.
- You have a period after your feats, which you don't want.
- The environment should be lowercase; also, tropical jungle isn't really one of the standard environments -- it should probably read warm forest here, and then you can note in the write-up that it likes tropical jungles.
- You don't list shrill whistle or blue scarf in the stat block; both are probably as special qualities, as you have them.
Speaking of which, let's look at your special abilities. This is where you want to show your design chops and what makes your monster unique.
Shrill Whistle: OK, this makes some sense, I suppose, though I'm not sure what this will do in terms of game mechanics. The piper has no way to get quickly to the spot, so let's say one whistles at the start of a fight, it's probably going to be dead before any backup shows up. It does let you have a story reason to have a gang of them arrive if they're planning an attack, but at the same time, you don't really need a reason to have multiple ones there. Moreover, I want something more here -- you're write-up says they often torment victims in groups, but there's nothing in the mechanics to reflect that. Maybe they could have a teamwork feat that they could all share, but maybe shrill whistle could also do something to reflect that -- perhaps they get a boost if they respond to a shrill whistle; perhaps a shrill whistle lets them all use the initiative of the piper that whistled?
Blue scarf: This feels like it's taken from a redcap and I went to look at that creature to see how it compares. You've taken some wording, which is smart, but from a Superstar perspective, it feels like you're borrowing another creature's shtick and not bringing your own design to it.
Eric Hindley -- who's made some very good monsters, including some for Paizo -- has posted in the past his monster-making advice, which starts with this:
One Big Shtick
The first thing I do is try to figure out what I want the monster to do. This can be big picture: make a Tremors-style grabboid. It can be small: use the steal rule in a new way. Whatever it is, make sure your monster does it, and does it well. Make sure it has all of the powers it needs to make it work. If the monster has sneak attack, can it use it? Does it have stealth, or appear in groups, or have a feinting ability? Is your big, mean beatstick actually strong? Is your invulnerable terror actually hard to kill for its CR?Once you have the basic idea for the monster, you’re ready for step 2. Every monster gets at least one unique rule. This is its defining feature. This is why mimics are sticky. Why harpies have an enchanting song. What makes a monster iconic is its one unique rule. Every cool monster (and every Superstar monster) should have a single thing that is unique to it. A skill bonus doesn’t cut it. A higher damage on claws doesn’t cut it. You need something better.
Have a look at the Clockwork Stalker. What stands out? Sneak attack? A Stealth bonus? Nope! High Gear, the new rule. It won the contest, all by itself.
Find a niche for your monster, and nail it.
Beyond that, I'm not sure you back up your "fluff." You say the creature feed on and live the fear of those who cross their path, but there's nothing in the rules to show how they do that, or even what that really means.
Anyway, I hope that helps. I apologize if any of it came out harsh; I wasn't intending to be.
Would anyone like to post a new challenge?
Huh. That's an interesting challenge, TRB.
I wonder how something like that will/would do in actual Superstar. On one hand, there are plenty of people who don't like sci-fi in their fantasy, on the other, there are plenty who do and many who are excited for Starfinder. The Tech Guide was off limits last year, but that doesn't mean you couldn't do something with a more futuristic flavor anyway.
Hey Balano,
Welcome to Blazing 9; good to see new faces.
I'm afraid I think the piper needs a little work. Please keep in mind that I'm judging as if I were judging for Superstar, so I hope you'll see this all as constructive. I don't mean to pile on.
** spoiler omitted **...
Hey Jacob, i'm really glad that you have comment my monster.
I will accept all your advices and improve the Piper (even change the name).You gave me a LOT of good ideas and i am excited to make my creature best as possible.
About the color of the Piper and the slave feature I honestly apologize myself, i'm Brazilian and my country has a really sad history of slavery. just to be clear I have full respect for black people (sorry if this term is disrespectful).
English is not my first language (it's obvious), and i'm trying hard to translate my ideas, they sound good in portuguese (brazilian oficial language) but i'm not a native speaker and have hard time to found the "flavour" of a good description.
Again i'm sorry if i have injured somebody.
Just to finish, i will not give up, i will remake my monster and you will love it!!!!
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Hey Balano,
I thought you might not be a native speaker (and your English is still a thousand times better than my non-existent Portuguese or even the languages I did spend some time studying). I'm always impressed with our non-native-English-speaking contestants, since I couldn't even come close to game designing in another language.
I don't think anyone thought you were trying to be hurtful or even disrespectful (I know I certainly didn't think that) -- as I said, sometimes you don't realize how your writing can be interpreted. We talk a lot about pit crews in Superstar (two or three people you trust to read your material before submitting) and that's definitely one of the things it's important to be aware of. We can be too close to our design and not realize it's pitfalls sometimes.
That's a good challenge, since I'm one of those people Jacob alluded to which don't like mixing sci-fi and fantasy. I'll see what I can do.
I feel a little out of touch, being in 5e games at the moment without any PF. Time to brush up.
---
Gravity Well Plate
Aura strong evocation; CL 13th
Slot armor; Price 62,650 gp; Weight 50 lbs.
Description
This +3 moderate fortification black plate is set with amethysts, and distorts the space around it with the steady pull of a vacuum.
As long as a creature is adjacent to the wearer of the armor, it cannot take 5-foot step.
If the armor negates a critical hit on the wielder, it can be commanded to instantly convert the kinetic energy of the blow into a gravitational surge. By using an immediate action after the moderate fortification property negates a critical hit, the wearer can make a single Drag combat maneuver check with a +10 circumstance bonus against all creatures within 30 feet without provoking attacks of opportunity.
Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, grasping hand, limited wish; Cost 32,150 gp
Would anyone like to post a new challenge?What about a Starfinder item ? Based on PFRPG / RPGSS rules but with Futuristic flavor :-)
The current Wayfinder open call is Numeria themed.
I shall see what I can come up with. :)
I feel a little out of touch, being in 5e games at the moment without any PF. Time to brush up.
---Gravity Well Plate
Well done Isaac. I couldn't have told you, you were playing 5e without you stating that
I want to open up stating that I really like this items theme!If there were any improvements I could give, it'd the name. Gravity well doesn't scream pathfinder to me. Starfinder, oh yes. Pathfinder, not so much.
The main power is the no 5 foot steps, which is a pretty big deal. There are a few feats that do things like this, and a few items... but not an armor.
The secondary power is what sold me. Using drag in such a way is a good plan. I like that it is a radious. It's a neat power and we'll worth the price tag.
The condition on it is a good choice. Not many things key off fortification, and it will stand out. However, such a power activating will be rare, and it is used during a dire time for a character. It may be viewed by some as a non power with how rare it is to get there. First a critical must be rolled, then a confirmation, then a successful negation.
That is a lot of steps to get to a neat power. Some might be turned off by it. I commend you on it. It would get my vote.
Like some ghostly black child, this mischiveous creature wears a radiant blue scarf and smokes a longpipe.
Piper CR 4
Hey Balano! Welcome!
I'm not going to be as detailed as Jacob's above. I'm going to try to highlight what I think you did well on, and what you could improve on.
First thing I want to focus on is that damage: You have a few knock out spells, which are un-fun for PC's to fight... but they exist so they should be used, albeit sparingly.
Mentally: incorporeal, Invisibility, Cause Fear, Mirror Image, Haunting Mist, and Deep Slumber.
These are all designed to mitigate damage. They do so in some of the more infuriating ways possible. Think about this in this way. The First thing it does is Mirror Image, Then Deep Slumber. Then... Cause Fear.
So... Mirror Image negates upwards of 3~4 hits. Cause fear provides the shaken condition. Invisibility (Which negates 50% of hits), and then Deep Slumber puts people to sleep for a large number of rounds. So after 6 or seven turns, you can hit it, just to find out it is incorporeal. So, if I'm wielding a non-magical weapon, A distinct possibility at level 4; My getting through ALL those defenses means nothing.
That's a lot of Defense to get through, to find out that you are not participating in this fight meaningfully. Just don't feel right to me as a player.
As a GM, it's a devious tool, and clearly this guy is meant to be handled with some kind of negotiation. Which is cool, I like monsters like that. But, it can't really defend itself. It's M.O. is "run-away".
Things you did right: Dropping the "Smoking a pipe" in the short description is good. I like the Pipe ability. The fact that the Blue Scarf feature is arguably the "Super star" ability here. The ability that makes it really stand out. I like how the essence of the creature is tied to such a prominent feature, and can render it even a slave.
I think what you need to do on your next pass; is give the creature a bit more bite. It's, not scary once you know what it CAN do. It's just going to lock down the players until they can eventually overwhelm it or stroll away.
However, it oddly feels ALOT like the Red-Cap. I think your Piper has some potential, but you need something that really brings out the idea that it's going to feed on your fear somehow, not necessarily kill you. Jacob's has a Really good review of your monster.
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Thanks Jarrett, good feedback there.
This item started from the name, and the mechanics fell into place after. I'm not really sure what to do about the name to make it more PF-ish.
The secondary power is the razzle dazzle/cinematic part, which really appeals to me from the designing seat (reversal of fortunes at a dramatic moment!), but from a player's POV, you see the statistically long odds of it actually happening (5%-10% of a critical threat per attack, ~40% of confirmation, 50% of negation, ??% of Drag success). It might not be enough to win the voters.
Hello everybody.
I've made some changes into the old Piper. I took yours advices and try too improve my creature. I hope you enjoy it.
Thank You.
Like some ghostly child, this mischiveous creature wears a brilliant scarf and smokes a longpipe.
Shimmering Terror CR 4
XP 1,200
CE Small fey (incorporeal)
Init
+9;
Senses
darkvision 60 ft.; Perception +11
Aura Shining Fear (30 ft., DC 14)
----- Defense -----
AC 20, touch 16, flat-footed 15 (+5 Dex, +4 deflection, +1 size)
hp 27 (6d6+6)
Fort +5,
Ref +10,
Will +7
Defensive Abilities
incorporeal
DR 5/cold iron
----- Offense -----
Speed 20 ft. Fly 60 ft. (good)
Melee +1 Shimmering Scarf +10 (1d4)
Special Abilities Shrill Whistle, Shimmering Scarf, Dread Eater.
Spell-Like Abilities (CL 6th; concentration +10)
3/day— haunting Mist (DC 16), invisibility, minor image (DC 16)
-----Statistics-----
Str 8, Dex 20, Con 13, Int 14, Wis 15, Cha 19
Base Atk +3; CMB +2; CMD 17
Feats Great fortitude, Improved initiative, Weapon finesse.
Skills Disguise +10, Escape Artist +16, Fly +18, Knowledge (nature) +11, Perception +11, Perform (Whistle) +13, Stealth +20, Survival +8; Racial Modifiers +4 stealth(in Warm forest)
Languages Common and Sylvan
----- Ecology -----
Environment warm forest
Organization solitary, pair, or gang (3–5)
Treasure standard
----- Special Abilities -----
Shining Fear (Su) A shimmering terror is cloaked in a 30-foot aura of fear. The first time it ends its turn within the aura, a creature must make a DC 14 Will save or become shaken for as long as it stays within the aura. If the creature succeeds at the saving throw, it cannot be affected again by the aura for another 24 hours. This is a fear effect. The DC is Charisma-based.
Shrill Whistle (Su) As a standard action a shimmering terror can produce a sound like a whistle that alerts other shimmering terrors in 1 mile about his position. Any shimmering terror that hear it are immediately teleported adjacent to the whistler. The caller and any shimmering terror teleported in this way gain the benefits of the swap places and improved swap places feats.
Shimmering Scarf (Su) A shimmering scarf in the hands of a shimmering terror is treating like a +1 Brillant Energy Scarf, bladed. While wearing this scarf, a shimmering terror body is incorporeal and he can fly at will. These abilities are lost if the scarf is removed or destroyed. The shimmering terror become slave from those who possesses his scarf and will obey all her commands.
Dread eater (Su) Each round as a swift action the shimmering terror can target a single living creature that was affected by his aura and try to drain his vital life.The target must make a DC 14 Fort, if fails its saving throw, it takes 2d6 of negative energy, and the shimmering terror gain half of the damage has temporary hit points.
These terrifying fey exist to eliminate all the peace of those who walk through the jungle. Shimmering terrors are mainly recognized for their brilliant scarves and their long pipes. These beings feed and live the fear of those who cross their paths. Shimmering terrors usually torment their victims in groups, producing acute whistles and confusing their prey into the forest. These creatures are treacherous and mischievous and can fool even those who consider themselves wiser enough. Rumors say that the shimmering terrors powers reside in their scarf and anyone who can catch it will have full control over the creature.
Hey Isaac, I like it. I kind of agree with Jarrett about the name, though I also don't have any better suggestions. And if you're going for a sci-fi feel, I think it works better than in a straight fantasy game.
I tend to prefer lower-cost items but I think you were smart here in terms of needing it to be higher cost, as negating 5-ft. steps can be a big issue.
--
Let's take a look at the shimmering terror:
The name's better. I think it may still be a little too generic, but I don't think players are likely to run into too many shimmering terrors (as opposed to the generic "slithering horror" that we're suggested to avoid), so you can get away with it. I'll be curious though if the creature really shimmers, because if not, the name probably doesn't work.
The description's much better. With the write-up, I think it's organized better, but really try to focus on what a GM would need to play the creature -- for example, you don't really need to say they're mainly recognized for their scarves as we can see that -- more pertinent would be what they do if someone tries to steal their scarf, for instance. This should focus on what the creature wants and acts and anything else the GM needs to make it come alive.
Looking at the template, a few formatting errors I notice:
* The special abilities in the stat block (shining fear, shrill whistle, shimmering scarf, dread eater) should all be lowercase. They should be uppercase in the Special Abilities section, though (as you have them except for "eater").
* You have unnecessary periods after the special abilities and feats.
* Fly should be lowercase after Speed
* Feats should be all uppercase
* In your skills, the parts in parentheses -- Perform (whistle) should be lowercase; racial modifiers should be bold; also Stealth should be capitalized after racial modifiers and needs a space afterward; you don't need parentheses around in warm forests, but warm should be lowercase.
* There's no special abilities line in the template; I would say shrill whistle and shimmering scarf should be SQ (which come after Languages), while dread eater would be listed under Special Attacks (where you have the Special Abilities line).
Looking at your special abilities --
* Shining Fear: This is OK, but it's very similar to a fear aura and I'm not sure it's worth spending rules space on it (though for CR 4, I can see why you'd want a lesser effect). If you're going to call it out separately, I might try to tweak it a little bit more -- maybe bring in something with the shining fear. Perhaps it's got some light effect too? Anything affected by fear gets lit up like faerie fire? Maybe creatures must be holding a light source in the aura to be affected? I'd also make other shining terrors immune to this ability, since they're supposed to work together.
Wording wise, I would rewrite the second sentence to be "The first time A CREATURE ends its turn within the aura, IT must SUCCEED AT a DC 14 Will save..." As you have it, the "it" that I changed to "creature" still refers back to the shimmering terror (or even the aura itself), since those are the only possible subjects we have. Also, Paizo standard would be to use "succeed at" not "make" there.
* Shrill Whistle: I like this and I think it may be your signature ability. The feats should be uppercase, though.
* Shimmering Scarf: +1 Brillant Energy Scarf, bladed should be lowercase and italicized. I'd also probably just say bladed scarf, not scarf, bladed (which is confusing).
* Dread Eater: Oh, that's a good addition, bumping up the creature's damage and addressing its low hp. It looks like you're missing a space, and you should probably write it as "The target must succeed at a DC 14 Fortitude save or suffers 2d6 points of negative energy damage. The shimmering terror gains half of the damage inflicted as temporary hit points."
I don't think however I would do it as a swift action -- the creature has nothing else to do with its swift actions, so it can basically do this every round, which means you're effectively giving it two standard actions per round. That said, it doesn't really have much it can do with its standard actions (its 1d4 scarf damage is pretty negligible and its SLAs are relatively non-offensive), so that's not a killer, but I think I'd just make this its basic standard action.
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Star Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9
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I feel a little out of touch, being in 5e games at the moment without any PF. Time to brush up.
---Gravity Well Plate
Aura strong evocation; CL 13th
Slot armor; Price 62,650 gp; Weight 50 lbs.Description
This +3 moderate fortification black plate is set with amethysts, and distorts the space around it with the steady pull of a vacuum.As long as a creature is adjacent to the wearer of the armor, it cannot take 5-foot step.
If the armor negates a critical hit on the wielder, it can be commanded to instantly convert the kinetic energy of the blow into a gravitational surge. By using an immediate action after the moderate fortification property negates a critical hit, the wearer can make a single Drag combat maneuver check with a +10 circumstance bonus against all creatures within 30 feet without provoking attacks of opportunity.
Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, grasping hand, limited wish; Cost 32,150 gp
Finally took some time to write a feedback :-)
Excellent name : sounds properly ominous and keys nicely to the abilities. Good description though I have a hard time picturing what space distorsion looks like
More Pathfinder name ? Mouth of the Void plate ?
No 5 foot step is extremely harsh for your own allies. Your mount will definitely hate you. Maybe restrict it to opponents though I readily admit that it does not sound logical
Surge ability is good and its crunch is excellent though the two sentences should be folded in one : as is it sounds much like a repeat. Also what Jarrett mentioned about probabilities stands. Maybe the armor can store the energy but it has to come from a lethal attack (to avoid the bag of cats effect)
Also I would find it more appropriate for the surge to get your attacker away from you. Though I admit that it is a trope and less visually interesting than the dragging black hole surge
Very nice item overall :-)
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Sorry folks for being absent to much lately, but things suddenly happened very quickly.
I found myself with 2 articles for third party publisher, one long and one short, and I wanted to get a submission in to Wayfinder Magazine, which has now been sent. On top of that was a bit of being busy with home life, and I had no time to check up on the thread.
(Once the articles are published, I shall let you know which ones it is. :))So now, it's time to return to Blazing 9. But I think that this time, I'll be making a map. Deadline will be the 8th of July for me.
The only thing I've had as the "target" this time, is that it has to be a natural feature (like a forest, cave or something similar).
And I have totally blown my own deadline on this. I had to abandon it unfortunately as I got yet another 3rd Party Publisher who accepted a pitch, but the actual product that I was to write turned out to be 6-12 times bigger than the one I had originally pitched.
I'm still knee-deep in that one, so it's unlikely that I'll be able to resurface until RPG Superstar starts (assuming same start date as last year).That said, I did get the prototype map finished before I landed the gig, so I might get back to this at some point.
Thanks for the feedback Jacob and TRB!
It's been a while since I checked back in, I was taking a look at the stats we collected in Season 9.
The following item types had over 50% survival rate after the final cull:
Shield (73%)
Wondrous - Feet (70%)
Wondrous - Chest (66%)
Wondrous - Belt (54%)
These types had a low amount of submissions (15 or less each). In fact, the number of submissions were so low for some of these that it probably speaks more about the designers that opted for them than the item type itself (only 3 Chest items submitted, and 2 of them made it through to the end).
So if people are looking for a challenge, how about this: Design an item that uses one of the above slots.
Funds prevent me.
US based Cons = No go. They cost too much, and I don't want to leave my wife with a 2 year old for that long, while I go gallivanting abroad. :P
Gravity Well Plate
I like the concept. It might be SS, but its execution is not.
The effect of hindereing 5 ft. adjusts is cool especially for its simplicity. The AoE drag is cool and connects well with the first part. Nice job. :)
Shimmering Terror CR 4
Nice work Balano. I am not very good at monsters so I will limit my critique in that way. Jacob has offered more (and better) advice than I can hope too. :)
I like all the abilities and they seem to have a natural cohesion. The whistle ability especially is cool. I might see if "whistle" could be worked into the name because it is so central to the critter. I might add a delay to the others showing up. The GM can really build suspense when two or three other whistles answer from the jungle. This will also help with the multiple creatures on the CR concern. Also I kind of wish it didn't have a physical pipe, but that the whistle is just a natural part of the creature.
It is unclear to me if the creature becomes corporeal while fighting with the scarf. If it is still in his hands, does it count as removed? What action is it to remove or don the scarf. Worn items are different than weapons and this goes both ways so I would like some clarification. If so this will lessen the incorporeal concern above.
Nice work overall. Keep it up :)
I am not going to GenCon... even if tonight's lottery is my time for the Nat 20.
Is there an RPGSS seminar? I haven't checked, but if so I expect this thread will end shortly after then. :)
There is an adventure writing seminar thing. I really wish I could attend that one, but no dice. :(
RPG Superstar 2015 Top 16
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Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka Rusty Ironpants
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There is an adventure writing seminar thing. I really wish I could attend that one, but no dice. :(
The Know Direction podcast records most of the Pathfinder related seminars. After the con, check their website to see they recorded it.
There is an adventure writing seminar thing. I really wish I could attend that one, but no dice. :(The Know Direction podcast records most of the Pathfinder related seminars. After the con, check their website to see they recorded it.
Good idea. I'd forgotten about Know Direction. :)
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RPG Superstar 2015 Top 16
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Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka Rusty Ironpants
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So did anyone hear if there was an RPG SS annoucement at Gen Con?
I heard the reason Owen isn't at Gen Con is to prep for RPGSS...
According to everthing he has posted on Facebook, it was mostly for personal health reasons.
Okay, the RPG Superstar logo has disappeared from the main page, which means it is time to start a new Blazing 9! thread to prepare for season 10 of RPG Superstar!
Congratulations again to Nick and all the season 9 Top 32! Great job in this year's contest everyone.
I will just quote Curaigh from the last Blazing 9! thread since he did such a great job of explaining the purpose of this thread.
Blazing Nine begins! :)
Ready? Set? Blaze!
Welll... as of today it has been 9 months!!
How did you do?
I only posted one item. I (mostly) created a holiday-themed monster, but never finished its stats, so never posted it. That does not sound too good as far as Blazing 9 goes. :( However, I have responded to everyone's practice posts (unless I missed a few in the middle) I have submitted well over 9 pitches to 3PP (some even successfully :). And I am on day 5 of a personal "create an item every day for nine days." So I am calling this a blazing success!!
We still have no new logo*, so we should keep the thread going for those who want more practice :)
*
I did horrible, I'm pretty sure. Posted a single item that I had already created, one item that was actually new, and this particular beauty. I fell pretty behind on critiques. Maybe I'll work on those this week, if I'm feeling extra-awesome (and I usually am).
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Belabras, I admittedly have been neglecting this thread a little as well. But compared to this time last year, I didn't have 6 projects with my name on them.
Now I do. This contest definitely helped me get noticed by some 3rd Party Publishers and got me moving forward in the direction I wanted.
It's been a glorious time.
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Star Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9
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Hi, everyone :-)
I check the thread every so often, even though RL has kept me fully overwhelmed for many months now. (Adorable newborn, detestable job, life balance out of the window mostly due to 6 hours commuting every workday)
Things will get better in time :-)
I too have an almost-finished holiday-themed monster somewhere in my files ;-)
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On Monday, I offered to do an editing pass (minor or wholesale) on an item or items in this thread. I thought it would be a fun exercise and good practice at the various aspects of design. KC took me up on my offer for his stirgenest quiver.
Well, I got carried away, and ended up doing more of a rewrite than an editing pass. I really like KC's concept, and found it very engaging to dig in. I make no claim that the rewrite is any better than KC's original, and instead hope that comparing the 2 versions will generate some good discussion. In general, I feel that rules language is my strongest area, and that my sense of mojo and balance both need work.
With that being said...
Spoiler:Stirgenest Quiver
Aura faint transmutation; CL 5th
Slot shoulders; Price 5,000 gp; Weight 4 lbs.
Description
Fashioned to resemble a hornet's nest, this larger-than-usual quiver is meant to be worn over both shoulders, and has several compartments allowing it to conveniently hold up to 10 pounds of any combination of arrows, crossbow bolts, or thrown weapons.Once per round, when its owner draws an arrow, crossbow bolt, or thrown weapon that deals piercing damage from the quiver, the projectile takes on the appearance of a stirge (including the insectoid creature's blood-sucking proboscis) for 1 round. During this time, if the projectile strikes and damages a living creature, the creature must succeed at a DC 14 Fortitude saving throw to avoid the projectile sinking in and becoming attached. A creature with one or more of these projectiles attached to it suffers a –1 penalty to its Constitution for each attached projectile. Removing an attached projectile is a move action that provokes attacks of opportunity.
When making a ranged attack with a projectile or thrown weapon transformed by a stirgenest quiver, the attacker gains a +1 circumstance bonus on the attack roll (to a maximum of +5) for each projectile attached to the target creature. Attached projectiles that were drawn from another stirgenest quiver do not count for the purposes of this ability.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, greater magic fang, summon nature's ally I; Cost 2,500 gp
I like a lot of this, and you definitely made the "honing bonus" more concisely-written.
I don't love that there's an easy save that negates the effect, though it certainly reduces the cost of the item to give on. I'm also not sure I like that it becomes once per round, though that also reduces the cost—and makes this less of a flat weapon buff, which I do like.
Perhaps the quiver could be nerfed a little by making the wielder "activate" the quiver as a standard action. The effect would thereafter persist for around one minute. That way, you still score the handy Con penalty on every hit, but you also lose a whole standard action at the start of the combat. It becomes less of a flat weapon buff and more of a choice. I'm also considering having the quiver impose a penalty to raw damage (something like -2), but that's probably too "drawback" for this.
I'm not sure I'd make removing the stirged projctile provoke, in hindsight. It's already a pain to do in combat, after all.
Alright, here's my latest shot, applying what I've learned here. Let's see if we can't combine our powers into one better-written item.
Stirgenest Quiver
Aura moderate transmutation and necromancy; CL 11th
Slot shoulders; Price 9,800 gp; Weight 4 lbs.
Description
Closely resembling a bloated hornet's nest, this quiver has several compartments allowing it to conveniently hold up to 10 pounds of any combination of arrows, bolts, or light piercing throwing weapons.
The wearer can activate the quiver as a standard action. When activated, the quiver produces a steady buzzing as projectiles within take on insectile properties: stirgelike probosces, spindly legs, and multiple pairs of twitching vestigial wings. These changes persist for one minute after activation.
During this time, if an affected projectile strikes and damages a living creature, the legs latch on and it becomes attached. A creature with one or more of these projectiles attached to it suffers a –1 penalty to its Constitution for each attached projectile. Removing an attached projectile is a move action. The subject's Constitution score cannot drop below 1 from this effect.
Further attacks with affected projectiles can benefit from a "feeding frenzy". The attacker gains a +1 insight bonus on the attack roll (to a maximum of +5) for each projectile already attached to the target creature.
The penalties do not persist beyond the quiver's activation—if the quiver is not reactivated before the minute ends, all attached projectiles fall out and revert to normal.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, animate objects, bleed; Cost 4,900 gp
I guess that counts as my submission to Blazing Nine for this month, so I'll hold off on the idea I just had. I actually might want to save it for the Superstar, anyways.