GM_Solspiral's Pit Crew / Edit my Item Thread


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RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Champion Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka GM_Solspiral

1 person marked this as a favorite.

So I'm an alternate. If I get called up into the big show I'm goign to stop with the thread until I win or I'm eliminated from the big show but that's at least 4 days from now so... Bring it!

No good bad and ugly from me this year Jeff has that covered and he's doing a great job, so I'm going to do my Phloid impersonation.

Use the spoiler tags repost your item here if you want my take. I'll either Pit Crew it (give you points to rework the item yourself to make it better) or in some cases I'll rework the item entirely holding to the spirit of your idea with my execution.

Fair Warning: This is potentially rougher then my traditional critiques as I'm not going to rework an item that doesn't inspire me. If that happens you'll get the pit crew treatment which ranges from cheery positive to "you're item sounds like you're describing a male genitalia." This is critique roulette, want to play?

Sovereign Court Marathon Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9

If you have any additional feedback on the Gorgon Sinew Lariat (can be found on the 1st page of CMI thread), I'd love to hear it, but I already got thoughts from you, so feel free to focus your energy elsewhere.

Thanks again for the hard but accurate critique last year. I feel I have improved a great deal because of it.

Dedicated Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9

I'd love you to do my Revealing Ink.

Final Format:
Revealing Ink
Aura faint enchantment; CL 5th
Slot none; Price 4500 gp; Weight 1 lb.

Description
Contained in cut lead crystal, revealing ink's multiple colors bloom and fade in intricate patterns. Distinctive hues of the local lands' authorities — perhaps an ecclesiast’s scarlet, a sovereign’s purple, or a legal record’s iron gall — take turns painting the inside of the phial. Put to page, the ink creates official-looking, intimidating marks covering as many as 111 pages, and for 24 hours its complex scent changes with the perceiver’s opinions of relevant government(s) on topics such as utility, hostility, alignment and charisma. Some sleuths use this to help identify the disloyal.

Indispensable when interrogating humanoids, one swallow (22 pages worth) of revealing ink forces a Will save (DC 15). Those who fail vomit ink on one nearby stainable surface, preferring paper or parchment. Folded then opened, the surface reveals an eery, symmetrical image of odd familiarity. Displaying this may cause the victim to believe the blot has revealed the victim's relevant secrets and begin chattering about a prompted topic. Success is automatic if choosing to prompt a topic once. Otherwise, it requires a Bluff check (DC 10, increasing by 5 each subsequent topic). A failed check or 24 hours' passage ends the effect — as does a prompt which reveals the interrogator’s inability to interpret the blot. “Now I will recognize your patron anywhere!” will work. “What does your patron look like?” ends the effect. Subsequent prompts on the current topic are permissible, possibly generating new details. Use the topic's DC (minimum 10, no retries; failure does not end the ink’s effects). The victim may still consider some details of the image too obvious to mention.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, suggestion, charm person; Cost 2250 gp

Scarab Sages

There is no fear in this dojo. Love to see your take if you decide to give it.

Auric Hush:

Auric Hush
Aura faint necromancy; CL 5th
Slot none; Price 27,001 gp; Weight
Description
This old azlanti coin is blemished and stained from age and exposure to various substances. On one side is the face of a man with a jagged X carved over his mouth, and on the other is a stylized magpie.
When held on the tongue the wearer can make a melee touch attack to steal the voice of another. The target must make a DC 14 Will save or lose the ability to speak, cast spells with verbal components, or activate command word items. Only one voice can be stolen in this manner at any time.
The target remains mute until such time as the wearer of the Auric Hush removes the coin from their tongue, speaks, casts a spell with a verbal component, or makes some other audible exhalation. Should the wearer take damage of any kind, they must make a Fortitude save (with a DC equivalent to 10 + the damage taken) or inadvertently make a sound and release the voice of their victim.

Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, bestow curse; Cost 13,501 gp

RPG Superstar 2014 Top 32 , Star Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka Ixxix

Windcaller's Edge:
Windcaller's Edge
Aura faint evocation; CL 5th
Slot none; Price 32,000 gp; Weight 6 lbs.
Description
The blade of this +2 katana bears the etchings of a simple cloud motif down the blade and pommel. When held, a swirling wind surrounds the wielder, filling his space and any space within his reach with a moderate wind. In addition, the wielder can cast wind wall up to three times per day as a standard action. A wind wall cast from the sword can be a vertical wall, a sphere with a radius of 10ft, or a cube that is 15ft on all sides. Any creature of small size or smaller trapped inside must make a DC 15 Str check to break through the winds. Gaseous creatures cannot break through.
Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, alter wind, wind wall; Cost 15,850 gp

Dedicated Voter Season 9

Flood in a Bag:
Flood in a Bag
Aura moderate conjuration; CL 9th
Slot none; Price 5,235 gp (type I), 10,470 gp (type II), 15,630 gp (type III), 20,940 gp (type IV); Weight 2 lbs
Description

Intricate brocade patterns on this blue silk belt pouch depict foam tipped waves poised above a scenic landscape. Closely inspecting the flotsam within these patterns often reveals interesting items.

A command word activates the pouch, expanding it into a Bag of Holding, using the appropriate statistics by type.

Once per day the bearer of a Flood in a Bag can cause water to gush forth from the bag’s mouth by opening it and issuing a second command word; generating up to 4, 8, 12, or 16 five-foot cubes of water per round until the bag is closed (a free action for the user). Cubes must form a contiguous figure radiating outward from the bag’s mouth and last 3 rounds or until the bag closes. Holding the bag open in subsequent rounds is a standard action requiring two hands and does not provoke attacks of opportunity.

Water within the cubes flows as whitewater rapids (Core Rulebook, 432) directly away from the bag’s mouth. Creatures entirely encompassed within the water move 60 feet downstream at the end of their turn. Those ejected from the water by this movement may attempt a DC 10 Acrobatics check to prematurely end their movement. Creatures only partially within the water are instead knocked prone unless they make a DC 20 Acrobatics check, and are not moved. Swarms caught in the water immediately disperse; reforming 1d4 rounds after the bag is closed.

Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, control water, secret chest; Cost 2,618 gp (type I), 5,235 gp (type II), 7,815 gp (type III), 10,470 gp (type IV)

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Champion Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka GM_Solspiral

Yours:
Gorgon Sinew Lariat
Aura moderate transmutation; CL 7th
Slot none; Price 23,300 gp; Weight 5 lbs.
Description
Twisted strands of gorgon sinew compose this +1 distance lasso, infusing it with a gorgon's power.

Once per day as a move action, the wielder can activate this power by swinging the lasso above her head. If the wielder successfully entangles a creature in the same round, the lasso begins to expel green petrification gas.

At the start of the entangled target’s turn, it takes 1d4 points of Dexterity damage each round for a maximum of seven rounds. A creature reduced to 0 Dexterity by the lasso is petrified permanently. Break enchantment, restoration, or stone to flesh can reverse this effect.

Creatures that don’t need to breathe or are protected from inhaling gasses are immune to this effect. Once a creature escapes, breaks out, or cuts through the lasso they take no further Dexterity damage.

This gas can also be dissipated by winds. A moderate wind (11+ mph), such as from a gust of wind spell, disperses the gas in 4 rounds. A strong wind (21+ mph) disperses the gas in 1 round. When the gas is dispersed, the target takes no further Dexterity damage.

The gorgon sinew lariat wraps itself tightly around anything it entangles. If an entangled creature attempts to cast a spell, it must succeed at a concentration check with a DC of 15 + the spell's level or be unable to cast the spell. An entangled creature can escape with a successful DC 20 Escape Artist check.

Gorgon sinew lariats have hardness 2, 12 hp and can be burst with a DC 24 Strength check.
Construction
Requirements
Craft Magic Arms and Armor, animate rope, calcific touch, clairaudience/clairvoyance; Cost 11,800 gp

Mine:
Gorgon Sinew Lariat
Aura moderate transmutation; CL 7th
Slot none; Price 23,300 gp; Weight 5 lbs.
Description
Twisted strands of gorgon sinew compose this +1 distance lasso, infusing it with a gorgon's power.

Once per day as a move action, the wielder can activate this power by swinging the lasso above her head. If the wielder successfully entangles a creature in the same round, the lasso begins to expel green petrification gas.

If the target breathes the gas, at the start of the entangled target’s turn the target takes 1d4 points of Dexterity damage each round for a maximum of seven rounds. A creature reduced to 0 Dexterity by the lasso is petrified permanently. Break enchantment, restoration, or stone to flesh can reverse this effect.

The gorgon sinew lariat wraps itself tightly around anything it entangles treat this as a grapple for Escape Artist and Concentration checks.

Gorgon sinew lariats have hardness 2, 12 hp and can be burst with a DC 24 Strength check.
Construction
Requirements
Craft Magic Arms and Armor, animate rope, calcific touch, clairaudience/clairvoyance; Cost 11,800 gp

The core issue that keeps this from being great (it is merely very good) is all the minutia that detracts from the core ability. I trimmed it up and made it a little leaner which I think might have helped you succeed more.

If I wanted to take it in a different direction I'd consider reversing the power a little and tossing in an option to turn the lasso into stone adding encumbrance and making for a tough break DC.

Marathon Voter Season 9

Your thoughts would be much appreciated

Stonewake Greatsword.:
Stonewake Greatsword
Aura moderate conjuration; CL 15th
Slot none; Price 104,325 gp; Weight 6 lbs.
Description
This weapon is made from a single shard of obsidian, pale glowing veins run through the interior.

As a full-round action, the wielder can attempt a DC 25 strength check to drive this +3 Corrosive Burst Obsidian Greatsword into a surface of natural stone or earth, a successful check conjures a Huge earth elemental as if using summon monster vi; only one elemental may be summoned per day. The blade is embedded in the elemental for the duration of it's summoning, granting the elementals natural attacks the magical properties of the weapon. The blade may be removed with a DC 30 strength check, if successful the elemental loses the benefits of the weapon and disappears in 1d4 rounds, or when the summoning duration ends, whichever occurs first.

Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, acid arrow, summon monster vi; Cost 52,325 gp

Liberty's Edge Star Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9

Pathfinder Companion, Pathfinder Accessories Subscriber; Pathfinder Roleplaying Game Superscriber

Nettlefin Sash :

Spoiler:
Nettlefin Sash
Aura moderate necromancy and transmutation; CL 7th
Slot chest; Price 18,000 gp; Weight 2 lbs.
Description
The glistening scales of this iridescent sash take a life of their own when the wearer is in combat, expanding outwards to cover her body in sharp bristling spines.

Crafted from the skin of the exotic nettlefin pufferfish, the nettlefin sash acts continuously as +1 armor spikes, except as follows:
The sash does not require being affixed to armor.
The wearer is always considered proficient in its use.
At the beginning of the wearer’s turn, she may choose to use the sash until her next turn as either a secondary natural attack or an off-hand weapon.

The sash deals damage as +1 armor spikes of the wearer’s size category.

The sash is treated as both a manufactured weapon and a natural weapon for the purpose of spells and effects that enhance or improve either manufactured weapons or natural weapons.

If the sash is worn with armor spikes, it ceases to function.

When the sharp spines of the sash deal damage, they can deliver a dose of Nettlefin Toxin poison, identical to that used by the Adaro (Bestiary 3 7).
The burning pain of the injury is soon followed by a numbing paralysis that quickly spreads throughout the creature’s body.

This ability can be used three times per day as an immediate action.

Nettlefin Toxin: injury; save Fort DC 15; frequency 1/minute for 4 minutes; effect paralyzed for 1 minute; cure 2 consecutive saves.

Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, poison, spike growth; Cost 9,000 gp

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Champion Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka GM_Solspiral

Your Item:
CripDyke wrote:

I'd love you to do my Revealing Ink.

Final Format:
Revealing Ink
Aura faint enchantment; CL 5th
Slot none; Price 4500 gp; Weight 1 lb.

Description
Contained in cut lead crystal, revealing ink's multiple colors bloom and fade in intricate patterns. Distinctive hues of the local lands' authorities — perhaps an ecclesiast’s scarlet, a sovereign’s purple, or a legal record’s iron gall — take turns painting the inside of the phial. Put to page, the ink creates official-looking, intimidating marks covering as many as 111 pages, and for 24 hours its complex scent changes with the perceiver’s opinions of relevant government(s) on topics such as utility, hostility, alignment and charisma. Some sleuths use this to help identify the disloyal.

Indispensable when interrogating humanoids, one swallow (22 pages worth) of revealing ink forces a Will save (DC 15). Those who fail vomit ink on one nearby stainable surface, preferring paper or parchment. Folded then opened, the surface reveals an eery, symmetrical image of odd familiarity. Displaying this may cause the victim to believe the blot has revealed the victim's relevant secrets and begin chattering about a prompted topic. Success is automatic if choosing to prompt a topic once. Otherwise, it requires a Bluff check (DC 10, increasing by 5 each subsequent topic). A failed check or 24 hours' passage ends the effect — as does a prompt which reveals the interrogator’s inability to interpret the blot. “Now I will recognize your patron anywhere!” will work. “What does your patron look like?” ends the effect. Subsequent prompts on the current topic are permissible, possibly generating new details. Use the topic's DC (minimum 10, no retries; failure does not end the ink’s effects). The victim may still consider some details of the image too obvious to mention.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item,...

Pit Crew Style Feedback:
-First paragraph is very dense and something about it is off putting. "Swirling the ink phial will change the color and scent to the viewer's associations with authority..." gets the idea out with far fewer words. It's a bit overwrought.

-Show me why it's indispensable don't tell me.

-No action economy needed I guess?

-So the victim pukes a rorschach test and if the interigators' play along well enough they get information. Again no game mechanic as to how much information just vague bits about switching topics. I feel like you could have cribbed some standard language from say a speak with dead spell or something.

-I don't mind a plot item but this feels like a bad fit for the system. I'd love this in something like the Dresden Files RPG but as a pathfinder item this isn't editable into something I'd call superstar.

-A good redesign might be if the ink blot started changing in such a way as to lower DC on Sense motive. basically by being attuned to the victim the inkblot becomes a window into their motives until the ink tries in a defined about of time. The last image dried into the paper can cause fear as the spell but only against the victim.

Quill of Leng did a good job in the ink space, this is just middling to lower middling to me.

Star Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9

Quote:
This is critique roulette, want to play?

Putting it all on Black, Mr. Gori, and thank you for your consideration.

Watch of Borrowed Time:

Watch of Borrowed Time
Aura moderate transmutation; CL 10th
Slot none; Price 11,000 gp; Weight —¬
Description
This hunter-case pocket watch is tarnished with age and the case’s emboss is scarred beyond recognition. Inside of the case is an engraving that reads “Progress now, progress forever”. Even when not wound, the watch produces a gentle tick-tock that can only be heard in complete stillness.

Once per day on command, the hunter-case springs open and the hands of the watch begin spinning wildly as two long, illusory clock hands stretch out beneath you. These phantasmal hour and minute hands last for 1 minute and revolve clockwise under you, until you, as a move action that provokes attacks of opportunity, designate two squares adjacent to you for them to point towards. A creature occupying the square that the hour hand indicates must make a DC 14 Will save or become staggered as it is syphoned of its perception of time. Additionally, if that creature fails its saving throw, a creature occupying the square the minute hand indicates receives the first creature’s “stolen time” and gains an extra movement action on their next turn.

If no creature occupies the square that the minute hand indicates, this additional effect is lost as the excess time creates a brief, yet violent, temporal shudder. If a single creature occupies both squares indicated by the hands and fails its save, the creature’s stolen time is immediately returned to it. However, its rapidly shifting sense of time causes it to become sickened. As a move action that provokes attacks of opportunity, you can realign the positions of both clock hands to point toward different squares. These hands pivot and move with you as their fulcrum.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, haste, slow, minor image; Cost 5,400 gp

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Champion Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka GM_Solspiral

1 person marked this as a favorite.

Yours:
Auric Hush
Aura faint necromancy; CL 5th
Slot none; Price 27,001 gp; Weight
Description
This old azlanti coin is blemished and stained from age and exposure to various substances. On one side is the face of a man with a jagged X carved over his mouth, and on the other is a stylized magpie.
When held on the tongue the wearer can make a melee touch attack to steal the voice of another. The target must make a DC 14 Will save or lose the ability to speak, cast spells with verbal components, or activate command word items. Only one voice can be stolen in this manner at any time.
The target remains mute until such time as the wearer of the Auric Hush removes the coin from their tongue, speaks, casts a spell with a verbal component, or makes some other audible exhalation. Should the wearer take damage of any kind, they must make a Fortitude save (with a DC equivalent to 10 + the damage taken) or inadvertently make a sound and release the voice of their victim.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, bestow curse; Cost 13,501 gp

Pit Crew Style Feedback:
-Okay this is cool in a creepy sort of way and I like it a lot but it's missing something and that's where it falls down for me. I'm looking for this to maybe let me cast that victims spell or issue a challenge, or use their Cha modifier... I want a nefarious use for their voice beyond the standard.

-This also needs a maximum time limit or a rogue can simply steal the voice then maybe escape or stealth away or use invisibility or any number fo things to not take damage while completely shutting down the enemy spell caster for the entire fight.

-I'd call this top 100 worthy just an FYI... I might have also advised a change away from coins as it's a hot button for some of the old school voters.

Dedicated Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9

Quote:

Again no game mechanic as to how much information just vague bits about switching topics. I feel like you could have cribbed some standard language from say a speak with dead spell or something.

That's a good point about cribbing from speak with dead thank you.

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Champion Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka GM_Solspiral

Clay Clouser wrote:
Windcaller's Edge

Pit Crew Style feedback:

-I like it but I want more and you have the words to give me more.

-Lashing wind where you deal your normal damage at a range or maybe a bull rush type power?

-I feel like the katana that cut's the wind or "Kamakazi" The divine wind... touches on a trope you broke the trope a little with an unexpected twist on the power but didn't quite give me enough for the top spots... this could have been a contender your mechanics are spot on.

RPG Superstar 2014 Top 32 , Star Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka Ixxix

frank gori wrote:
Clay Clouser wrote:
Windcaller's Edge

Pit Crew Style feedback:

-I like it but I want more and you have the words to give me more.

-Lashing wind where you deal your normal damage at a range or maybe a bull rush type power?

-I feel like the katana that cut's the wind or "Kamakazi" The divine wind... touches on a trope you broke the trope a little with an unexpected twist on the power but didn't quite give me enough for the top spots... this could have been a contender your mechanics are spot on.

Fair. Appreciate the feedback. If you guys ever need another pit crew guy or if FPG every has any work keep me in mind ;)

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Champion Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka GM_Solspiral

Flood in a Bag and Stonewake Greatsword will get redesigns tomorrow as I have ideas to improve both.

Hint for Flood in a Bag- The water is going to do something more exciting...

Hint For Stonewake Greatsword- Cost is going to come down and I'm not going to disarm myself :P

Nettlefish Sash- haven't decided yet I actually loved the hell out of your item and I'm not 100% sure I can improve it much... I shall ponder after my murderhobo session tonight and sleep.

Scarab Sages

Thanks GM/Frank!

Dark Archive Star Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9

Hi Frank, congrats again!
Thanks for doing this thread in your free time.

Spoiler:
Needlenose Arbalest
Aura strong transmutation; CL 14th
Slot none; Price 51,050 gp; Weight 12 lbs.
Description
This sculpture of a monstrously articulated mosquito functions as a +2 impervious heavy crossbow, gaining the seeking special ability when targeting creatures with the bleed condition or who are below half their full hit points.

Once per week, the wielder may speak a command word to launch the mosquito's head at a foe within 50 feet as a ranged touch attack. The head remains connected by a length of rope stored within the crossbow. As part of the weapon, the rope benefits from the enhancement bonus and impervious special ability.

A successful hit deals normal damage and 1 point of bleed damage and the wielder can attempt a combat maneuver check to grapple the target as a free action. Each round the wielder successfully maintains the grapple, the target is pulled 10 feet closer to the wielder and dealt 1 additional point of bleed damage. This movement does not provoke.

If the wielder begins their turn adjacent to the target and successfully pins them, they may drop the crossbow as it animates into a giant mosquito (see the Pathfinder RPG Bestiary 2), but without the disease special ability. The wielder is no longer grappled as the mosquito is now pinning the target. The mosquito acts on the wielder's next initiative, feeding on the pinned target. The mosquito reverts to its crossbow form once the grapple ends, the target is killed, or it deals 8 points of constitution damage, whichever comes first. If slain while animated, the mosquito reverts to crossbow form...

Marathon Voter Season 9

Well done on getting in! I didn't see your item until fairly late, but it really stood out and appealed to my inner Scot.

I've already done my own redo that fixes up most of my many glaring errors, but critique on that would be great!

Spoiler:

Security Blanket
Aura faint abjuration; CL 3rd
Slot none; Price 25,000 gp; Weight 3 lbs.

Description
Made of soft, blue wool, this child's blanket looks warm and comfortable. Feelings of security and reassurance emanate soothingly from it. Sleeping with this blanket provides a +4 circumstance bonus on Fortitude saving throws against exposure to cold weather.

A creature wrapped in a security blanket gains the effects of sanctuary and remove fear until they remove it. While under the influence of a fear effect, a creature in possession of a security blanket can wrap themselves in the blanket as a standard action that provokes attacks of opportunity, even if the fear effect would not normally allow other actions to be taken. This is in addition to any other actions that may be required to retrieve the security blanket from the creature's belongings. A creature wrapped in a security blanket can extract themselves from it as a swift action.

Breaking the sanctuary effect by attacking causes the security blanket to lose all magical properties for 24 hours.

Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, sanctuary, remove fear; Cost 12,500 gp

Star Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9

Good luck in the competition, but as long as you got the time for it,
I'm happy to hear any and all feedback.

Belt of the Depths
Aura moderate transmutation; CL 7th
Slot Belt; Price 12,000 gp; Weight 1 lbs.
Description
This masterfully crafted belt emits a strong salty scent and is made of woven algae interlaced with golden merfolk hair. In guise of a buckle rests a large starfish-shaped piece of red coral.

While underwater, the wearer may break off one of the starfish's five limbs as a free action to activate the belt's powers for a period of two hours. At any time, the wearer may break off a second limb to end the effects prematurely. When the belt's powers are activated, the wearer is immediately granted the ability to breathe water as per the Water Breathing spell. One round later, he instantly starts sinking at a speed of 50 ft per round until he lands on a solid surface, such as a sunken ship wreck or the sea floor itself. Once on a solid surface, he is able to move about freely as if he were on land and carrying a light load. He, however, loses the ability to swim. If the wearer has to move over obstacles, he must use climb checks or acrobatics checks, although he ignores his armor check penalty. If he falls any distance, he lands harmlessly without injury. Finally, he may use any weapon without restrictions, ignoring the normal underwater combat penalties.

Like a true starfish, the Belt of the Depths has the ability to regenerate lost limbs, and does so at a rate of one limb per week. However, this regeneration is only possible as long as the starfish has at least one limb left. If all limbs are broken off , the belt loses all powers.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Items, Water Breathing, Freedom of Movement; Cost 6,000 gp

Liberty's Edge Star Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9

Pathfinder Companion, Pathfinder Accessories Subscriber; Pathfinder Roleplaying Game Superscriber
frank gori wrote:
Nettlefish Sash- haven't decided yet I actually loved the hell out of your item and I'm not 100% sure I can improve it much... I shall ponder after my murderhobo session tonight and sleep.

Wow. I am really happy (and amazed) that you could enjoy my item that much. It means a great deal to me, especially after not making it to top100.

Any kind of feedback will be great ;-)

Silver Crusade Dedicated Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9

Pathfinder Adventure Path Subscriber

Hi Frank,

Great job buddy! Check out my item below. It's a crazy time of year, so I missed the most glaring problem of multiple auras and somehow I missed a word. Anyway here's this years item:

Spoiler:
Jar of Captured Nightmares
Aura minor enchantment and evocation, moderate illusion; CL 10th
Slot none; Price 4,900 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Description
When uncovered the jar’s contents reduce light as a darkness spell. Those who look into the jar see writhing shapes, that at one moment seems to be a tentacle trying to burst its glass prison, a coiled taxidermy snake that blinks, or dozens skittering legs that obscure what is certain to be a hideous central body.
The jar can be thrown as a splash weapon, on a hit the target must succeed a Will Save DC 15 with a -5 penalty or immediately fall asleep for 1 minute as deep slumber and is subject to the nightmare spell. The target takes damage from the nightmare once per round, and upon waking is fatigued.
As long as the target sleeps the creature emanates a 60 ft. radius of deeper darkness. Anyone inside the area of deeper darkness also experiences the nightmare phantasms of the target of the jar, with no penalty to the Will Save to avoid the damage, this is a mind-effecting, illusion effect with the fear descriptor.
If the attack roll misses, the jar breaks and releases deeper darkness for one round centered upon the square it hits before dispersing. If the target succeeds the initial Will Save then the jar breaks and releases the deeper darkness effect for one round centered on the target, before dispersing.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, deeper darkness, deep slumber, nightmare; Cost 2,450 gp

RPG Superstar 2013 Top 16 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9 aka Darkjoy

OK, let's do this.

Spoiler:

Whip of Wounding Words
Aura moderate evocation and necromancy; CL 7th
Slot none; Price 58,302 gp; Weight 2 lbs.
Description
Crafted from several shadowy strands, this black whip shifts and coils in answer to a rhythm it alone can sense. Each strand contains an echo of the words that created the multiverse. Caught in twisting shadow, these echoes of creation now wound reality.

The whip of wounding words serves as a +1 whip. In addition, the whip can be used to brand victims with wounding words and to unleash the sundering echoes of creation.

Branding: as a standard action the wielder can make a single, ranged touch attack with the whip. On a success, the shadowy strands of the whip burn words of unmaking upon the target. Treat this effect as inflict serious wounds (DC 16). The whip of wounding can be used to brand a target three times a day.

Echoes of Creation: as a standard action, the wielder can whirl the whip around him. Whispers fly from the shadowy strands, forming harsh echoes that sunder reality. Everyone and everything caught in the 15 feet radius of effect is hit by an effect that combines shatter (DC 16) and sound burst (DC 16). The shatter effect is total and complete, the wielder does not have to choose effects. The echoes of creation break brittle, nonmagical objects, they sunder all solid, nonmagical objects and they damage crystalline creatures in the area of effect. This effect can be used once per day.

Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, Heighten Spell, inflict serious wounds, shatter, sound burst; Cost 29,302 gp

Dedicated Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9

Hi GM_Solspiral, that's very kind of you to offer some pointers, I'd like to take you up on your offer please :)

Snowfall:

Snowfall
Aura moderate evocation and abjuration; CL 11th; Weight 4 lbs.; Price 26,315 gp
Description
The pommel of this +1 frost longsword contains a miniature snowscape inside a crystal globe, tiny snowflakes whirling endlessly around an indistinct dark shape. The razor-edged blade glows with a pale blue radiance and sheds tendrils of translucent mist as it moves.

When used to successfully strike a creature, as a swift action the wielder can expend a memorized spell or spell per day slot to have that creature become sheathed in a layer of frost, causing them to become entangled for a number of rounds equal to the level of spell used to activate this ability. A creature immune to cold damage is immune to this effect.

The wielder has Fire Resistance 5 whilst holding the sword, as the weapon hungrily drinks in the warmth around it, the hilt always ice-cold to the touch. Creatures native to the Plane of Fire, with the Fire Creature template or vulnerability to cold have a particular dislike of this weapon, and where possible will always choose to target the wielder with their attacks over any other opponent.
Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, Rime Spell, resist energy, ice storm; Cost 13,315 gp

Thanks in advance :)

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Champion Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka GM_Solspiral

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Trekkie90909 wrote:
Flood in a Bag

I've decided to do the Pit Crew style feedback and let you reform this yourself. I think you are actually quite competent with rules language you just needed a few pointers in the right direction to make this better.

This is a solid item that's going to garner a bunch of down votes and I"m not sure if you know why. I personally liked it but did not expect it to do well, but that's because I think I have a pretty good finger on the pulse of the voters at this point.

1) The name is terrible for this contest. In a contest where we talk regularly disparage Spells In a Can you gave us a ---- In a ----, see the problem? A cranky tired voter isn't going to even give your item a chance if they are already familiar with/like the other item.

2) This spouts water and you spent a bunch of your word count on that and on making variations for how much water they fire out ect. This is a different problem on a Voting public because you're asking them to envision doing more math at their gaming table so that they care about the different types.

3) While this innovates some on mechanics again the laymen's assessment is look I filled up a bag of holding with my decanter of endless water.

In a redesign I'd:

1) Base it off a portable hole and not have the water gush out without a specific action.
2) The water is endless and can do a water vortex like a Water elemental or a Marid but even in the air as a 60ft line. The Portable Watering hole has to be open for this effect... ect.

By cribbing the Cortex power and giving it a few new things to do we save a lot of defining word count and get into clarification. I'd ross in a link to Vortex and the protable hole works because you can put it on a wall and we've defined it won't spill without a command so you can pull some shenannigans from there.

Dedicated Voter Season 9

frank gori wrote:
Trekkie90909 wrote:
Flood in a Bag
The preceding post

*strokes chin thoughtfully* hrm...

I like the portable hole suggestion. Will have to consider the best compromise with redesign point 2 at length.

I agree with the other points whole-heartedly, and appreciate general feedback point 1) considerably.

Thank you!

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Champion Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka GM_Solspiral

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Gran_Rancheros wrote:
Stonewake Greatsword

I've been pondering redesigning this from the first moment I saw it. The price is the biggest issue as I can get most of your benefits and then some by buying a cheaper sword and getting an earth elemental belt. In fact I'll do a little better on utility as the earth elemental belt turns me into an earth elemental allowing me to earth glide, with its other static benefits at 24k it's a steal against your item. Then there's the issue of using the cool ability disarms me.

First thought- it turns the wielder into a huge earth elemental! That would certainly justify the cost as there's tons of cool stuff you can do with that. Issue being it becomes elemental body IV in a can.

Second thought- Lose the elemental and go with a slew of earthy powers like earth glide, crystal sight, and thunderstomp type powers. This becomes too much a swiss army knife and strays too far from your original idea.

Another thought- Make it so the earth elemental gets summoned and you break off the blade similar to the ice shard weapon then it reforms...

Last thought and I think this is a winner and plays more off the name:

Mine:

Stonewake Greatsword
Aura moderate conjuration; CL 15th
Slot none; Price 98,325 gp; Weight 6 lbs.
Description
This weapon is made from a single shard of obsidian, pale glowing veins run through the interior. Peering through the shard acts the crystal sight revelation.

As a full round action the wielder may drive this +3 Corrosive Burst Obsidian Greatsword into a surface of natural stone or earth, the earth ripples and forms a wave that uses your CMB +1 for every 10 feet for a maximum of a 100 ft line. At the end of the bull rust the target is pummeled by the earthen wave for 1d8 per 10ft moved and knocked prone as the wave of earth crests and crashes down.

A target can only be bull rushed where there is ground to push them.
Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, acid arrow, summon monster vi; Cost 49,325 gp

It's a draft and needs tuning for sure but the core idea is I think a sound way to get past the problems of your item. I might be inclined to lose the burst and a +1 to make this more reasonably prices as this was a +5 weapon with special abilities and priced near a +7 weapon.

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Champion Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka GM_Solspiral

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The Raven Black wrote:

Nettlefin Sash :

I'm not quite sure why this wasn't top 100 or even a serious contender for top 32 because I f-ing love this so much... If I were your pit crew I'd maybe advise you to focus on the natural attack element and go with a slam that does piercing damage.

Cut out some of the rules minutia you get because you're trying to accomplish both armor spikes and a nat attack option. Use the freed word count to give us a more cinematic visual to focus on and for that I have a suggestion.

MORE PUFFER FISH! Limited times a day you can treat your size category as 1 larger for nat slam attack and itimidate because you're puffing out the nettles!

just my 2 pennies.

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Champion Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka GM_Solspiral

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JamesCooke wrote:
Watch of Borrowed Time

Pit Crew advise:

I at one point in one of the commentary threads said something to the effect of wow a time item that doesn't suck! I stand behind that this does not suck as is. But it's also all wrong for this competition.

1) Votes hate/ do not trust time themed items. There's good reason but plenty will not even give you a chance.

2) This is complicated and suffers for it. What happens when the ally effected by the second hand takes that extra move action? Or when the enemy effected by the hour hand dies? I can go on...

As a designer I see promise in your work, I feel like with a few months of working with a teaching editor or with a good workshop group your talent can be coaxed and honed. Perhaps FPGs can help or if not us freelance forge, blazing 9, staying on Wayfinder submission, try maybe the kobold press blog there's lots of places.

Flying Pincushion Games has sort of decided we're going to be at least part design school as we've been told by more than a few of out contributors that they value our ability to coax that. Maybe hit us up after the contest slows down.

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Champion Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka GM_Solspiral

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Dieben wrote:
Needlenose Arbalest

Okay so we work shopped this a little bit already and I have the exact same concerns I voiced to you already. It's a good item but a complex one mechanically and the minutia of that gets in the way of votes.

I learned this lesson over the past couple years with my own over the top mechanics and too many powers items. The extra lick in the pants for you was that quiver that did the same theme but kept it more simple. The moment I saw that quiver I had a bad feeling for your crossbow. That item fell down by doling out a little too much bleed damage but I think it effected the perception of your item with the marathon voters.

Here's a quick tip have someone you game with read it once only then ask them what your item does. If they don't get it right your item is too complex.

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Champion Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka GM_Solspiral

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Wolin wrote:
Security Blanket

This was pretty close to being top 100/top 32 status but a few design choices held you back so we're going pit crew for this.

1) Great design space in that I have had characters that have adopted or made children the old fashioned way and had to work out logistics of being a parent adventurer. Beyond that there are plenty of pacifistic type character concepts this would work well with. Kudos on that.

2) Now stop beating me over the head with it being a peanut's character's blanket... it's off putting and cost you more votes then it gained. There's a difference between inspired by and cribbing from and this crosses that line when you made it a blue woolen blanket.

3) Change the name... breaks 4th wall.

4) how about you have to tie it around the neck and occupy the shoulders/cloak slot in order for the sancutuary power? Slotless is a different design problem.

5) maybe drop the +4 to saves and add endure elements to worn effects?

This as a cloak would have sold me entirely as is it is really good but not great.

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Champion Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka GM_Solspiral

LordCoSaX wrote:

Belt of the Depths:

Belt of the Depths
Aura moderate transmutation; CL 7th
Slot Belt; Price 12,000 gp; Weight 1 lbs.
Description
This masterfully crafted belt emits a strong salty scent and is made of woven algae interlaced with golden merfolk hair. In guise of a buckle rests a large starfish-shaped piece of red coral.

While underwater, the wearer may break off one of the starfish's five limbs as a free action to activate the belt's powers for a period of two hours. At any time, the wearer may break off a second limb to end the effects prematurely. When the belt's powers are activated, the wearer is immediately granted the ability to breathe water as per the Water Breathing spell. One round later, he instantly starts sinking at a speed of 50 ft per round until he lands on a solid surface, such as a sunken ship wreck or the sea floor itself. Once on a solid surface, he is able to move about freely as if he were on land and carrying a light load. He, however, loses the ability to swim. If the wearer has to move over obstacles, he must use climb checks or acrobatics checks, although he ignores his armor check penalty. If he falls any distance, he lands harmlessly without injury. Finally, he may use any weapon without restrictions, ignoring the normal underwater combat penalties.

Like a true starfish, the Belt of the Depths has the ability to regenerate lost limbs, and does so at a rate of one limb per week. However, this regeneration is only possible as long as the starfish has at least one limb left. If all limbs are broken off , the belt loses all powers.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Items, Water Breathing, Freedom of Movement; Cost 6,000 gp


Pit Crew commentary:

1) Description is spot on and I adore that element, ditto with the star fish and regenerating charges mechanic, though make it 1/ day it's niche enough without the time issue.

2) Name evokes a diver's weighted belt which is a huge misstep. It breaks 4th wall in a bad way and sets an inaccurate first impression.

3) I need something else. This is the "make adventuring underwater doable" type item but that's too circumstantial. Go further with the starfish theme and give me a slow regenration as long as I'm submersed in salt water or something like that.

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Champion Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka GM_Solspiral

DM_aka_Dudemeister wrote:
Jar of Captured Nightmares

John you're talented as hell and we've been aquainted for a couple years now via the interwebs... poke me for feedback BEFORE the competition and I'll get you in fighting shape. I'm a fan let me pit for you next year, I will make the time.

Pit Crew Feedback:

1) Okay this have flavor and I'll say it is a superstar idea but not a superstar execution. The core concept of throwing a foe into a deep sleep/nightmare and creating a radius of nightmares around them gives me a Japanese horror vibe that I can dig.

2) love the description.

3) Splash rules then 60ft radius means I'm going to get caught in the nightmare too which is a problem

4) 5k and I can permanently break this? NOPE, not buying it anymore.

Redesign advice:

Make it limited use per day as an amulet with a glass orb that does all that lovely creepiness and have it enhance the sleep hex by putting that victim in a nightmare spell and opening a 30 ft radius of illusionary nightmares and I'd call this a top 32 worthy item. allowing it to put someone to sleep, further debuff them AND AOE a large area with more battlefield control is a little too much.

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Champion Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka GM_Solspiral

Gonna pause on Whip of wounding Words and Snawfall... both were good items that could use a deeper analysis and both are possible cannidates for a redesign.

Dedicated Voter Season 9

This got further than I thought it would. Not far enough though, so any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

Blackthorn Cudgel

Spoiler:
Blackthorn Cudgel
Aura moderate transmutation and necromancy; CL 9th
Slot no; Price 26,450 gp; Weight 3 lbs
Description
This +2 club of wounding is crafted as greenwood, using a blackthorn branch. In this case, many of the thorns are also worked into the grain of the wood. The knobbed head of the blackthorn cudgel displays a dozen prominent needle-sharp thorns, strong enough to pierce armor. On each successful attack, one thorn detaches and becomes embedded in the creature struck. As long as the thorn remains embedded in the creature, it does 1 point of hit point bleed damage. A single embedded thorn can be removed using a move or standard action, but the bleed condition persists for another 3 rounds after the thorn is removed. A blackthorn cudgel regrows lost thorns at a rate of one per minute. Each regrown thorn causes one hit point of damage to the cudgel. After taking 25 hit points of damage, the blackthorn cudgel acquires the broken condition and can no longer regrow any thorns. A blackthorn cudgel loses the wounding feature whenever there are no thorns displayed. A blackthorn cudgel can regain hit points (and will start to regrow thorns) using the standard rules for greenwood weapons.
Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, thorn body or wall of thorns, bleed; Cost 13,450 gp

Marathon Voter Season 9

Critique noted. Thanks!

Responses:

5 I almost did, but I thought that would make it too expensive and hammer the sanctuary's already low DC into near uselessness.
4 I'd considered when making, but couldn't quite see how to make it work well. Now you've pointed it out, just having Sanctuary/Endure Elements would as a cloak, and have the wrapping thing as an activated ability. Also takes care of the price issues I was worried about.
2 somehow I missed this reference when I did it (Curse that thieving subconscious of mine!) and kicked myself after it was pointed out. At least that one's easy to fix.
3 has been tough to break out of; I've spent perhaps more time than it merits trying to come up with a name with greater subtlety, since you're not the only one to mention it. I've more or less settled on Calming Quilt as a revised name.
1 I may not make the best items, but I can at least try to make them memorable and find a niche. As an almost complete beginner, I'm pleased that it's something that someone as experienced as yourself can find useful.

Maybe it's not necessary for me to tamper with it further, but I'd like to adjust the item to at least the point where people don't cringe if they have it used in their game for whatever reason. Besides, I could always use the practice and it (hopefully) shows I appreciate the feedback.

Therefore, have Mk III:

Calming Quilt
Aura faint abjuration; CL 3rd
Slot shoulder; Price 12,000 gp; Weight 3 lbs.

Description
This brightly coloured patchwork quilt is sized for a human child and has signs of being a prized possession in its past. Feelings of security and reassurance emanate soothingly from it.

A creature can tie a calming quilt around their neck to gain the effects of sanctuary and endure elements. While under the influence of a fear effect, a creature wearing or holding a calming quilt can wrap themselves within the quilt as a standard action that provokes attacks of opportunity to gain the benefits of remove fear, even if the fear effect would not normally allow other actions to be taken. If the calming quilt is not within easy reach, a creature in possession of one may retrieve it from their belongings so long as this would take no more than one round. It is not possible to attack while wrapped in a calming quilt, but a creature can extract themselves from it as a swift action.

Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, endure elements, remove fear, sanctuary; Cost 6,000 gp

Dark Archive Star Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9

Thanks again Frank!

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Champion Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka GM_Solspiral

I think "lick in the pants" is my new favorite typo/ catchphrase.

Star Voter Season 9

Spare no survivors.

Spoiler:
Staff of Perfect Harmony
Aura: Moderate Abjuration; CL13th
Slot None; Price 53,000 gp; Weight8 lbs.
Description
This +3 quarterstaff is made from entwined darkwood and ivory, capped on each end with a warding palm made of electrum. The wielder of the Staff of Perfect Harmony can sunder a spell that targets her or a spell that includes her in it's area of effect as an immediate action, as the barbarian rage power spell sunder. Instead of suppressing the effect upon exceeding the CMD of the spell, the wielder instead gains a +2 circumstance bonus on the save to resist the spell, or +3 if she exceeded the CMD by 5 to 9. If the effect would be completely dispelled it still affects other targets and creatures as normal. This ability is useable three times per day. If the wielder is a monk of at least 9th level, she can expend 3 points from her ki pool to use this ability instead.
Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, Improved Sunder, Dispel Magic, creator must be a monk of at least 9th level; Cost 26,500 gp

Star Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9

frank gori wrote:
LordCoSaX wrote:

** spoiler omitted **

Pit Crew commentary:

1) Description is spot on and I adore that element, ditto with the star fish and regenerating charges mechanic, though make it 1/ day it's niche enough without the time issue.

2) Name evokes a...

I thought about adding a regeneration type effect while submersed in water like you say but ultimately decided against it since I didn't want to have too much effects going on and also I was already cutting it close word-count wise. Maybe I should have tried to shorten other elements to fit this in.

Thanks for your comments.

Dedicated Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9

GM_Solspiral - Would love a review/revamp/pit crew commentary on my item, Cloak of Nine Lives.

I apologize if this is redundant - The critique my item thread has never felt more discombobulated or confusing as it has this year. Just want to get some feedback if it is available!

Thanks again for your time, and congrats on finally cracking the top 36!

Grand Lodge Star Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 9

Boiling Heart Gauntlet:

Thanks!

Boiling Heart Gauntlet
Aura faint evocation; CL 2nd
Slot hands; Price 8000 gp; Weight 2 lbs.
Description
This leather, brass-plated gauntlet is covered in flexible copper tubing running its length, and down each finger. Embedded in the forearm is a small beating heart with copper tubes running through it. When donned the copper tubing extends into the wearer’s flesh. The user can then produce a 15’ cone of steam from the gauntlet’s fingers 10 times per day. This scalding water causes 1d4 points of fire damage and living creatures are sickened for 3 rounds. A reflex save (DC 15) halves the damage and negates the sickened effect.

Alternatively, the gauntlet can be used to produce a rainstorm of boiling water 5-foot square emanating from the air within 30-feet. Living creatures within the area take 2d6 points of fire damage. Each such use expends two daily uses. The bearer can choose to effect up to three more 5-foot adjacent squares at two uses per square. Each such shower remains in effect until the beginning of the user’s next turn. Any creature entering an effected square suffers 1d6 points fire damage. A fortitude save (DC 15) halves the damage.

After four uses are expended in a day, the user is sickened from dehydration and becomes nauseated after eight uses. The user can remove the effects by spending a full-round action drinking water.

While this articulated gauntlet allows the user to wield and carry items in that hand, the hand must be free to use the gantlet’s powers and the user receives a -2 penalty on all precision based tasks involving that hand. If the gauntlet is removed the wearer takes 1 point of damage from withdrawing the embedded tubing.

Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, produce water, steam memphit heart; Cost 4000 gp

Star Voter Season 7

Any comments and feedback are appreciated

Rapier of Shining Influence
Aura transmutation; CL 11th
Slot none; Price 38,220 gp; Weight 2 lbs.
Description
A finely crafted +1 agile rapier, this weapon is expertly balanced, and looks to be of Taldorian design. The blade incorporates diamond dust that not only accounts for its superior point, but also causes it a shimmer and sparkle in the presence of any light source. Braided gold-plated steel is woven around three gleaming emeralds into a one-quarter cage basket hilt to protect the wielder’s hand. The basket hilt can be used like a gauntlet to deliver an armored punch attack. Using the rapier in this way does not confer any of its magical bonuses to the attack.

Three times per day, during combat, the wielder can attempt to use the power of the blade to influence allies. On command, as a free action, the wielder can cause the blade to flare brightly and crackle with arcane energy prior to the wielder’s next attack. If the attack hits, the dashing display of sword fighting grants all allies within 60 feet the wielder’s Charisma bonus (minimum of +1) as a bonus to hit for their next attack. If the wielder’s attack fails, no bonus is granted, and a daily use of the blade is expended. For each use of the special power of the Rapier of Shining Influence one of the emeralds in the basket hilt dims. The emerald regains its full luster the following day.
Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, cat’s grace, mass eagle’s splendor; Cost 19,270 gp

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Champion Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka GM_Solspiral

Maurice de Mare wrote:
Whip of Wounding Words

Mine:

Whip of Wounding Words
Aura[/b moderate evocation and necromancy; [b]CL 7th
Slot none; Price 58,302 gp; Weight 2 lbs.
Description
The silver handle of this whip ends in a stylized screaming face with the hitch and thong appearing to be a tongue made of the blackest ink.

This +1 wounding whip can be used to brand victims with curse or sunder.

Branding: as a standard action the wielder can make a single, ranged touch attack with the whip. On a success, the shadowy strands of the whip burn words of curse upon the target. Treat this effect as bestow curse (DC 16). The whip of wounding can be used to brand a target three times a day.
Sundering Word: as a standard action, the wielder can whirl the whip around him. Whispers fly from the inky strands, forming harsh echoes that sunder reality. Everyone and everything caught in the 15 feet radius of effect is hit by an effect that combines shatter (DC 16) and sound burst (DC 16). The shatter effect is total and complete, the wielder does not have to choose effects. The echoes of creation break brittle, nonmagical objects, they sunder all solid, nonmagical objects and they damage crystalline creatures in the area of effect. This effect can be used once per day.
Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, Heighten Spell, inflict serious wounds, shatter, sound burst; Cost 29,302 gp

I'm honestly not satisfied with this but it's a step in the right direction. There was something off-putting about your first too paragraphs. For me the shadow strands didn't properly connect with the theme so I replaced that with ink. The second paragraph repeated wounding words too rapidly.

I think if I was going to spend more time on this I'd replace the sundering word effect with a way to "whip" explosive runes onto items then let the explosion sunder them.

I'm not bothering with pricing and changing requirements I think you get the gist. I'm designing around the whip actually delivering wounding words in the form of a curse or an explosive rune.

There was a good idea in here but this was not your best work nor is it's redesign mine, but I feel like it is a step in the right direction.

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Champion Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka GM_Solspiral

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Fiendish Zen wrote:
Snowfall

my version:
[/b]Snowfall

Aura moderate evocation and abjuration; CL 11th; Weight 4 lbs.; Price 26,315 gp
Description
The pommel of this +1 frost longsword contains a miniature crystal snowglobe, tiny glittering snowflakes violent and endlessly fall like an eternal blizzard. The razor-edged blade glows with a pale blue radiance and sheds tendrils of translucent mist as it moves.

When used to successfully strike a creature, as a swift action the wielder can expend a memorized spell or spell per day slot to have that creature become sheathed in a layer of frost, causing them to become entangled for a number of rounds equal to the level of spell used to activate this ability. A creature immune to cold damage is immune to this effect.

Furthermore the wielder treats spell and power from the Boreal bloodline or Winter Witch archetype as one level higher.
Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, Rime Spell, resist energy, ice storm; Cost 13,315 gp

I didn't bother with pricing or changing your requirements... This was about punching up a more interesting last power that followed the sword for a mage vibe and reworking the description more economically.

Silver Crusade Dedicated Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9

Pathfinder Adventure Path Subscriber

Thanks Frank, I probably would have reached out for a Pit Crew this year, but I had a bunch of other assessments for University I needed to complete and I needed to get those done before I could even consider magic item creation.

I made every cull, so I'm proud of that at least. Next season is another opportunity.

Dedicated Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9

Nice rework, I like the streamlining you've done :)

Thanks GM_Solspiral!

RPG Superstar 2013 Top 16 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9 aka Darkjoy

frank gori wrote:
Maurice de Mare wrote:
Whip of Wounding Words

That is rough, a very rough first draft :>

You have given me an idea for next year with your bestow curse and explosive runes idea, but that would be a club not a whip.

Because I think I have broken one of my own rules of RPGSS, the item should be priced to buy. Maybe I should have settled on an acid arrow effect for the branding and a shatter based broken condition for the echoes. That would have been cheaper and more elegant. Ah well. Next year :>

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Champion Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka GM_Solspiral

Maurice de Mare wrote:


That is rough, a very rough first draft :>

No doubt it is... I was looking more show a change in direction.

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Champion Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka GM_Solspiral

WackoYackoDot wrote:

Blackthorn Cudgel

This is a good item but good isn't going to get you in. I do have a soft spot for thorn items so good niche there.

Pit Crew Feedback:

1) Love the name cool using greenwood.

2) First issue you do not define number of thorns... but we have a mechanic for them breaking off one at a time and a bunch on recovering that charge mechanic. It's sort of a huge oversight.

3) While thematically appropriate bleed and blood themes is a classic voter turn off. Not a deal breaker but they need to do something neater. Maybe if the thorns burrowed making themselves harder to dislodge? After 3 rounds another effect happens if they are ignored...

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