They've somehow made an invincible fortress using nothing by dirt, sweat, and gumption. Even the stuff that couldn't exist without magic. It's really quite astounding.
Have we tried using reverse psychology to make them think that we're their friends?
They're gamers, so they're automatically mindless.
I say we summon the Ultimate Three-Pratchett, Gygax, and Arneson-to try to find a cliche that we we can exploit, a trope we can deconstruct, or maybe a place to hang a lampshade if we get desperate enough.
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Unfortunately Pratchett, Gygax and Anderson will arrive in an undead state and help the enemy.
Have we tried Doppleganger infiltration units?
That has failed however, they've special DNA wards up, that detect if anyone among them is theirs or not.
What if we unleash Cosmo upon them?
It's fairly safe to say that Cosmo would join the other side. They have delicious, delicious infants.
Maybe we could get Neil Gaiman over here?
I'm sorry, in a fit of Munchkin paranoia the GM banned Occult Adventures from the game, thus depriving us of the kineticists we need to accomplish the task. In addition, due to some... unfortunate incidents with the Technology Guide and the telekinesis spell, those are banned two.
I know! I say we unleash a horde of stats-mongering munchkins on them!
Unfortunately, all of the munchkins we could find pumped their damage so high that they neglected to bother with their Will saves. We now have an army of dominated murderhobos to contend with in addition to the Fortress itself.
What if we catapulted a few dire carnivorous armadillos over their walls and into the courtyard? I'm sure that would help us.
Our men arrived just in time to see her collapse under the weight of her own templates.
What if we used really long sticks to poke them until they get so annoyed that they let us in?
Sounds plausible, save they don't have paladins.
How about old LP records, from granny's dusty shelves?
It worked in the movies.
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They're not Martians. Sorry.
What if we erect an impenetrable wall of force a few miles around the fortress, then destroy all the air inside the wall but outside the fortress, so the Law of Diffusion will cause the air inside the fortress to disperse to the point where it's too thin for them to breathe?
They're not Martians, but they did trade with Martians for the technology to breathe in any condition they might find themselves in.
Bring out the Holy Hand-Grenade!
They beamed in the cops, who arrested the grenade thrower in advance.
How about we make a deal with the three sisters to snap all their life lines?
Those who live in the Fortress are masters of their own fate, and thus any attempt to meddle with it will end in disaster for us.
I think its about time that we call in that favor that Asmodeus owes us (you know, when we did that thing for him that we never talk about anymore).
Those who live in the Fortress are masters of their own fate, and thus any attempt to meddle with it will end in disaster for us.
I think its about time that we call in that favor that Asmodeus owes us (you know, when we did that thing for him that we never talk about anymore).
Unfortunately as we never talk about it anymore we're unable to persuade Asmodeus that he actually owes us anything.
How about we try Diplomacy and ask to join them?
After all we've done? Remember, they got our intel too due to the leak.
Maybe we should convince someone else to build a similar fortress and start a war with them?
Unfortunately, everyone around seems to love those people in the Fortress. We're basically on our own out here.
What if we tried getting close under the cover of night?
They covered the entire fortress in permanent daylight spells.
Switching genres again, what if we call in Gilgamesh? Surely his Ea: Enuma Elish would destroy that fortress!
Gilgamesh refused to help us. He thinks that us failing to take over the fortress is hilarious and wants to see us continue to fail.
Let's use our heat vision to burn a hole in the wall!
We used the reserve batteries for our heat vision goggles in the cattle-flinging scheme.
How about sending in a peacemaker with a huge gold tribute and a large canister of VX gas?
The enemies are robots. The gas is not very effective...
Howzabout we railgun the place from orbit?
Its on a fault line. An impact from a mass driver would cause an earthquake that would extinguish all life in the region: Including us.
Send me in there with a few tools and creams. I'll have them running out the gates in a day or two.
They're into some freaky stuff. I imagine they'd just laugh at you for being a big prude.
What if one of us challenged the Lord of the Fortress to a 1-on-1 duel to the death, winner takes all? (Providing we cheat like hell, of course)
Well, if me makes -me- look prudish (possible?), imagine what he'd do to you!
Perhaps if we crafted a crude lathe we could grind through their walls.
Unfortunately, it looks like we'd need a Masterwork Lathe to grind through their walls.
What if we made a concerted effort to shine a laser pointer in the eye of every defender of the Fortress at the same time?
They've been dancing the Mamooshka this whole time, which is why we can't seem to come up with a plan that will work.
What if we just ran up to the wall and McGuyvered our way inside?
We tried that. No matter how hard we slammed Richard Dean Anderson against the gate, it did not open (he stopped wriggling after the fifth go).
What if we sent them a crate of free (day old) shellfish and waited for their bowels to fall out?
Unfortunately, they are some of the best chefs in the world, and have ways of making poisonous food totally delicious and healthy. One of our goals during this siege is to try and steal those secrets from them, you know.
How much fire have we used in this siege? Is it possible to use even more fire?
Let's put it this way: way too much. I think the Plane of Fire's suing us, actually. For our eternal souls. We can't really afford any more.
Maybe we can summon Cthulhu?
Unfortunately, Cthulhu is busy saving the world and has no time to spend time on this.
How about letting GoatToucher demonstrate the sick stuff he'd do to them, so they'd kill themselves to be rid of being on the same plane as him.
We're already in purgatory. Death is no escape.
Maybe we can try shifting the fortress to a different plane that could give us an advantage?
Sounds like a good plan, until a bunch of midgets schlepp the One fortress to the end of the world and dump it in a volcano.
All right, we've been at this a while now. I have a bunch of functioning hydrogen bombs. It's time, isn't it?
Sadly, the Great Pumpkin is on a halloween themed park.
How about unleashing the Annoying Orange?
Nobody deserves that fate, not even our worst energies.
I say we harvest all of the latent retardium that is in modern cartoons and unleash it upon them, turning them all into drooling idiots.
Bruce? He's been malfunctioning. A lot.
What if we stuck a helmet on an ogre and had him headbutt a hole in the fortress?
The only Ogre we had ate something and is now two-headed. Which means we would need two helmets, but his new head, Loretta, refuses to wear one.
We should play loud rock music for several days outside their walls!
They all wear leather and have really long hair. I doubt that it will work.
I say that we unleash the madness of all of DC's continuity reboots on them!
They're into Marvel and couldn't care less for anything DC.
How about dropping the Trolls on them, those trolololol meme-ers.
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They said they would, but it turns out they were just messing with us.
We could shift the fortress into the Danger Zone.
Unfortunately, the highway to said zone is under construction.
What if we shot a laser that shoots other lasers at it?
The other lasers are now dead, having been shot.
What if we sent Stuffy Grammarian at them, to show them how wrong their grammers are?