The Fortress Unassailable

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Sadly they naturally have the ability to absorb cold damage and regenerate.

Possibly sending the Enterprise back in time before the castle existed to create a secret entrance?

How do you think the fortress originally came into being?

What if we tell an inevitable they didn't pay us for the pizza delivery?

Inevitably all of the inevitables have been dismissed to a different plane.

Possibly find a Rancor and let it loose?

Scarab Sages

Paizo Superscriber; Pathfinder Companion, Pathfinder Accessories Subscriber; Starfinder Charter Superscriber

They have a Witch of Dathomir on their payroll.

How about sending in the Nazgul?

They have secured the three rings for Elven kings and can actually battle the nazgul directly.

Possibly convince the worgs and trolls to attack?

The Fortress keeps a tribe of goblins on hand just in case such an attack comes their way.

Have we tried using any 3rd-Party Supplements to bolster our forces?

In a fit of trans-dimensional mayhem they actually have acquired fourth party supplements which make third party supplements obsolete.

Suppose we lure one out and interrogate them?

Scarab Sages

Paizo Superscriber; Pathfinder Companion, Pathfinder Accessories Subscriber; Starfinder Charter Superscriber

They are too happy there and don't want to leave.

How about we build an airtight dome around the place and let them suffocate?

They have designed their city to be 100% eco friendly and as such all wastes are recycled including air.

Perhaps a battalion of the Empire's finest troops lead by Darth Vader himself?

Dark Archive

Alas, they outbid us and have Vader on retainer!

Could we summon Owlbears in their courtyard?

Scarab Sages

Paizo Superscriber; Pathfinder Companion, Pathfinder Accessories Subscriber; Starfinder Charter Superscriber

They stole all the owlbears' cubs as a safety measure.

How about hiring the Norse Pantheon to help with the assault.

The norse gods will join the side that is awesome. Do the maths.

How about dumping toxic waste everywhere to cause acid rain, sea level rise, and global warming?

Well, considering that the Fortress was built on the Elemental Plane of Toxic Waste, I don't think that's going to do anything.

Have we tried serenading the Fortress with a mournful ballad?

We did but the bard couldn't finish because he was crying due to the ballad played by their bard.

Perhaps sending some Paladin's to attack?

Scarab Sages

Paizo Superscriber; Pathfinder Companion, Pathfinder Accessories Subscriber; Starfinder Charter Superscriber

They have too many Anti-paladins.

What about having Storm of the X-Men hit the fortress with a class 5 hurricane for a month?

Dark Archive

Alas, we tried that already and they just spun in place until she was done!

What if we declare a trade embargo against them?

If we did that we wouldn't have their cigars to smoke.

Possibly send an assassin on a trade mission?

Unfortunately, the trade prospects in the Fortress are so good that the assassin has abandoned the killing life and taken up a job as a wandering merchant. The deals were just too good!

What if we make the Fortressers think that we've forgotten them, and then strike when they least expect it?

Scarab Sages

Paizo Superscriber; Pathfinder Companion, Pathfinder Accessories Subscriber; Starfinder Charter Superscriber

Already tried that; they were waiting for us.

How about having a hoard of dwarven miners collapse the fort into a 1000 foot sinkhole?

Would you believe that they have their Floating Fortress hover only inches above the ground just to screw with us?

Let's challenge all the Fortress People to a drinking contest!

They are immune to alcohol.

How about we ask James Jacobs to write them away?

The Fortress People are inexorably tied to the disappearance of Aroden. There's little that Mr. Jacobs can do, I'm afraid.

Let's host a National Political Party Convention in the Fortress, and the the undisciplined masses that are the American voter destroy them!

The Fortress has an electoral college, so the masses have no power there.

Perhaps if we crafted a crude lathe...

That won't work, all the gnomes are on strike.

What if we disguised ourselves with fake moustaches?

That won't work because they ritually flay people with real moustaches and mount them on the wall.

What if we had Justin Bieber do a concert outside their walls with magical protection? Surely he could drive them all to suicide or, at least, make them angry enough to abandon their fortress and pimp slap him down?

That would be perfect, if they didn't have archers and assassins with earplugs.

What if we summoned the Tarrasque to destroy their city?

It would die because they had yet to kill Justin Bieber.

What if we invited rules lawyers to tear down the way their reality works in the ultimate act of 4th wall breaking?

Last time we did that we got complaints about "lazy writing,"

What if we send in an alchemical fusion of Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger?

Unfortunately, our alchemical monstrosity has met its match in the Sylvester Stallone/Vin Diesel hybrid created within the Fortress.

What if we trapped them in a 40-hour-long cutscene?

Quentin Tarantino would get bored at the last second and reprise their roles.

What if we polymorphed them into Japanese schoolgirls and set Lovecraftian horrors on them?

They already are Japanese schoolgirls, just as we are already Lovecraftian horrors.


What if we armed our men with boards with nails in them?

Boards with nails in them? That's way too complicated! We're not fielding an army of college graduates, here!

I think that all we have to do is donate unlimited money to the anti-fortress Super PAC that we're totally not coordinating with. *cough*

Well, it doesn’t look like that money let us win much of anything, huh?

Maybe we should just look morosely at the Fortress until it’s walls crumble out of pity.

Scarab Sages

The walls, while they are in fact capable of pity, don't comprehend anthropoid emotional displays.

I know! Let's all cast rain of chainsaws!

The problem was, the chainsaws weren't on, and now they have... well, a lot of chainsaws.

We can drown them in our blood!

Scarab Sages

All I have is bubble bath for blood. Not that scary, I guess. Sorry.

We could slowly drive them to madness and homicidal/suicidal mania by softly tapping multiple key sections of their walls with ordinary kitchen spoons once every minute on the minute....

The walls are electrified, pumping enough power that plastic spoons won't save you.

Have we tried short-circuiting these very defences?

We tried that, and only succeeded in electrocuting the penises of the 1st Urinary Corps. They used to be the toughest sonsofb&%%#es in the whole army, but now all they do is cradle their genitals and cry all the time. It's playing hell on morale.

We could lay a blanket over the top of the fortress, get the "Horticulture" Brigade under there and hotbox them into oblivion.

Then we could just offer them some Cheetos and they'd let us right in.

Dude, they’re already high all the time. Plus they prefer to snack on organic, locally-sourced veggies. It just gives you a better vibe, y’know?

Have we tried sending in the dragons? I think we should send in the dragons.

No we haven't tried that. Because the Dragon's Demand™ requires that we offer our bodies as tribute...before they get started. So yeah, no.

Oh, but have any of us simply asked to use their toilet? Maybe that can get us someone on the inside.

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That wouldn't work, they don't take s@*# from anyone.

Perhaps playing Justin Bieber all day long in front of their gates will break their will?

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Unfortunately, the enemy has one of these, but with more variable calibration.

We could try reconfiguring the speakers for ultrasound interference projection

Nice one, Sideromancer.

Good idea, but no. Scrying the courtyard has revealed them casting an extended and widened Silence spell near our speakers just now.

Have we yet teleported in the succubi, into their castle?

Unfortunately, the castle folk are expert grapplers. Like, the best.

Don’t we have guns with bullets in them? What if we tried shooting them with the bullets in those guns?

Scarab Sages

What we've got, to be precise, are some 2nd Edition arquebuses and those Toon pistols from Who Framed Roger Rabbit? with the bullets that are either racist or incompetent.

I've got it! What if we supply them with large quantities of powerful antibiotics as a 'peace offering,' which they'll overuse so much that all the germs in the fortress will rapidly evolve into invincible superbugs and kill them?

Let me remind you that our enemy IS an evolved superbug.

Perhaps we could push the moon out of orbit and sit back as the ensuring tidal chaos launches mega-tsunamis at the fortress?

If only, they signed a temp contract with Bruce Willis, to destroy all incoming stars and planets that come down planet side.

How about we have Barbra Streisand sing to them?

Our enemy is very young. They don't even know who Debbie Gibson is, let alone Barbra Streisand.

The best plan is probably to send in the Landshark pretending to deliver flowers.

The Landshark is a bit played by an actor. They'll most likely see his legs and put an arrow in the cosplay equivalent of his knee (pelvic fin). That won't work.

Methinks we should have a tailgate party outside the drawbridge. The wafting smell of the bbq, corn on the cobb, and cold brews should draw them out to their doom!

Scarab Sages

They have a special moat filled with state-of-the-art scent-absorbing quantum cat litter (and it's "quantum", so you KNOW it's good!).

What if we conjured/constructed an inverse-fortress floating directly overhead, exactly the same but filled with way more powerful guardians and treasures?

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