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THESE ARE THE HEADLINES: Nidal has outlawed fun!!! Taldor is in decline!!! aasimar births have risen by 10% in mendev!!!
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Cheliax continues to be a haven of modern civilization amongst the Inner Sea.
In other news, Cheliax has always been at war with Eastasia.
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Breaking news, a rash of gazebo vandalisms have occurred this evening.
*this message includes a suggestion spell!* if you follow zon-kuthon move away from the device you are watching this on, prefferably out of your house *suggestion spell transmission over*
who will help me free the shadow plane from zon-kuthon
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LOST!
PET KITTY
Has fluffy black and white fur. Big tail. And racing stripes that are like a tiger but not going the right way. Easily scared. Likes food. The people at the "Mo' Gin Travesty", at least I think that's what it's called, they have a picture of my kitty saying he isn't allowed there anymore, so he's probably somewhere else. When found, please contact Lysander Spurius Dragomir via a Sending.
REWARD
I don't know. Moneys? Do people still collect that?
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Ladders in short supply!!
With the recent opening of the tombs in Osirion for profit, a rush on ten foot poles caused their prices to climb. Enterprising trap finders have turned to ladders in a "Two for one" deal in the hopes of beating the price hikes. Local Varisian timber yards and ladder makers have caught hold of the idea, and most of the local stocks of ladders have been sent south to the richer market.
Local Farmer Giovani Girrosetti stated "Taint real fare I reckon. Last month we had a real issue with Scarecrows up and chasin' folks, now I can't even climb up top o' me barn without some scunner comin' along and stealin me ladder to sell to some thief. Them pole makers aughta be brought to heel I reckon."
In related news, the number of sightings of the mysterious "Bandaged moaner" have increased in Osirin since the tombs were opened. Authorities assure us the two are not linked.
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Breaking news, a rash of gazebo vandalisms have occurred this evening.
THIS KIND OF THING JUST NOT HAPPEN HERE. THIS QUIET NEIGHBORHOOD.
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make sure to thoroughly check your closets for closet clowns, there has been a massive outbreak of them
*suggestion to kuthites: leave NOW!!!*
I have started a small organization to defeat zon-kuthon. please join!!!
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Katapesh Renames Itself "Galt's Gulch" For Some Reason; Residents Running Around Screaming About "Trains"
Leading Magi: "We No Longer Consider Aucturn a 'Planet'"
Blakros Museum Celebrates 1st Day Without On-Site Accidents!
Grandmaster Torch: Whistleblower or Traitor?
Also, Look at These SHOCKING Daguerreotypes of Zarta Dralneen!
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Print Co. Owner Alleges Racism in Court
The Kobold Print Co. has filed for bankruptcy after settling a class action lawsuit for distributing newspapers with explosive runes in the Entertainment section.
"The moment there is a trap involved, everyone blames the kobolds. Why not investigate the humans, or the goblins, or the elves. Seriously, this is a travesty of justice, all I wanted to do is publish an article that would get peoples' attention- and it succeeded. What's wrong with that?" said founder and owner of K.P.C., Mr. Inkscale Penscribbler.
While the bombing case is still pending in the criminal circuit, Penscribbler was convicted on a contempt of court charge after submitting a motion with a sepia snake sigil attached. He has plead not guilty on all charges.
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Brutal Assassination of high profile dignitaries!!!
An entire party of Nobles and political envoys succumbed to the nefarious Red Mantis today. Apparently, small slivers of raw Troll flesh treated with a savoury antacid mixture were slipped into the Entrees at the party. Several hours later and the guests died in agony as the regenerating trolls ruptured their internal organs.
The trolls have not been charged.
Paracount Vladimir Ulth to bring suit against dragon Helexa and Pathfinder Society in Cheliax courts.
Elven baker in Absalom reports Aroden stole his pie.
Adarabillious "Billy" Burntleaf filed a report with authorities in Absolom last week that Aroden, in his guise as a thief, stole one his pies.
Interestingly, this is not the first time this particular crime has been reported.
In fact, this is the third time this particular baker has filed charges against the God of Humanity. The first two times, however, was when Aroden was living and known to be active in and around Absalom. Both charges were dropped after the deity reportedly paid restitution for the thefts.
The ancient elf has been a baker in Absalom for more than a century. I caught up to him as he was preparing a cinnamon bun to ask him to comment on his allegations about the now-deceased God of Humanity stealing his pie.
"It's not the first time, Aroden loves my pie. He used to come in his guise as a beggar and just try to shame me into giving them to him with those puppy-dog eyes he had. If that didn't work, he'd come back the next week as a thief and just take one!
'Tweren't so bad when he was around more - a couple of months would go by and he's swing by like his old self and apologize and pay me for them or tell me he 'added a few years' as an apology, but this is different - he was a burglar, now he's a robber! Came in cool as an Irrisani cucumber, snatched my pie with a wink and walked right out the door!"
Authorities have declined to comment on their investigation, but our research has uncovered that this time the reported crime was a bit different as it a cherry pie robbery, whereas in the past Aroden reportedly had burglarized blackberry pies.
Janira Gavix contributed to this article. The authors would like to thank Kreighton Shane for access to research materials.
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Aucturn protests loss of planet status
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In the weather, todays' forecast for Nadal is overcast with a high of suspicion and creepiness.
Due to the weather, the Gnomish Fun Festival has been postponned.
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rovagug is still imprisoned!!! YAY!!!
The Buzzfeed Version:
"Learn how to Imprison the Roughbeast with this one weird trick!"
OR:
"The Number One Most Asked Question About The End Times!"
(Hint: Both of them lead to an article that says: "Rovagug is still imprisoned! Yay!")
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In a desperate attempt to regain planet status, Aucturn natives aggressively advertise The Loving Place as a highly desirably tourist locale.
There were no survivors.
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Lively Clergy to Hold Party To End All Parties
A lot of anticipation has been building here in the Bloodcove community this week about the bring-down-the-house shindig expected by the faithful of the House of Groetus at the Bloodcove Community Expo and Abbatoir to be held this Starday.
"We are going to party like it's 4699," said Ezelron Chuerlik, Esteemed Proclaimer of Groetus. "The roof, the roof, the roof will be on fire, and we don't need any water, for we will let the Mother burn," he added in a monotone voice with a glazed-over look.
The town has been all abuzz with the arrival in town this week of a vast number of crates all marked with words like "DANGER: HI EXPLOSIVE" and "FLAMMABLE".
"Fireworks for the kids," responded Chuerlik to this reporter's question.
Well, count me in. This sounds like a hootenanny that won't come around again. Gates open at 6PM with light entertainment provided by the Kobold Minstrel Ministry from 7PM on. If you're not there, you're nowhere!
"Learn how to Imprison the Roughbeast with this one weird trick!"That's an article title from Golarion's version of Playboy.
?
I just got if off the internet advertisements to lose weigh-
- oh, I get it.
(Also, I'd figure it'd be more like Maxim or something like that.)
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Would you let a Pugwampi raise your child?
Turn to page 7 to find out why you may want to answer yes.
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"This Whispering Way Cultist thought he was going to massacre this orphanage, but when one Glabrezu gets involved, you won't BELIEVE what happens next..."
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EXTRA EXTRA! Exclusive to DEITY INSIDER, Torag, god of dwarves and the forge, speaks out for the first time on how he laid waste to an entire city in a decidedly non-Good fashion.
"I overreacted a little bit. You see, it was the day I quit smoking, so I was a little bit grumpy already."
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In the market report, home values in the Worldwound continue their downward spiral. Is gentrification possible in this hell on Golarion? See what our experts say...
This lovely crater can be yours for only 20000gp, we are not responsible for any injuries caused by demons and/or Paladins
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Seeking a party of adventurers to perform a bit of pest control on my behalf.
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This just in! Things are happening in Varisia! Like always! More at 9!
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Seems to fit as well
http://www.creepyhollows.com/images/dragon_ad.jpg