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RUMOR has it that conspiracy theorists among the Pathfinder Society have unveiled Norgorber's identity has finally been revealed: he is truly Ulon, the ancient Azlanti god of conspiracies and manipulation, having assumed a new identity for reasons only he could fathom!
Seemingly prophetic town criers that shout out all of the player characters' deeds!!
1000. Should a similar revolution break out in Numeria, or on Aballon, the ensuing Adventure Path in either case will NOT be called "HAL's Rebels." Corollary: If you were to play an AP where the rebellion is suppressed, the ensuing Adventure Path in either case WILL be called "Hal's Vengeance."
979. BEWARE PESH! It is a gateway drug, and the destination is random!
THE SINS OF THE FATHER! The High Court of Pharasma refuses to rule on the so-called the "Suffer Punishment for Other Incarnation Legacy" Act (SPOIL}; says "it's not my jurisdiction!" The SPOIL Act holds that a person (person being, any sentient entity) can be held legally and spiritually accountable for the evils of previous incarnations, that even amnesia cannot excuse one from suffering cosmic punishment. Rakshasa and Samsarans both take to the streets (or the cemeteries, as the case may be) in unified protest, claims the Courts actions have left them in Maelstrom! (Or would leave them, if they ever went to the afterlife.)
AND NOW, IN TECH NEWS! The developers at the Technic League, under the guidance of their new leader simply known as "Mom", have developed a robot that runs on beer and cigars! Critics say there's only one problem: it has a bad habit of saying "Bite my shiny metal <bleeped out>"
THIS JUST IN: THE QLIPPOTH endorse the Temperance Movement! They bellow, the SINS OF MAN must not be allowed to taint our world! CLEAN UP YOUR ACT!
THIS JUST IN! Prankster proteans burn down the home of Alison Kindler! When apprehended and asked for their motives, the culprits could only say, "We just wanted to turn the House of Kindler into the House of KINDLING!"
And now a statement from the desk of the Prince of Darkness himself, the great and almighty Asmodeus. "I the First, the Great, the King of Hell, Lord Asmodeus, hereby demand that the phrase 'snowball's chance in hell' be forever put to rest and forbidden, because from where I am standing, Nessus is pretty damned chilly. I would thank you for taking the time to listen to this, but I hate petty mortals, and it's not like you had a choice! SO THERE! MWAHAHAHAHA!" And there you have it folks, you heard it here fist, straight from the God-Fiend himself.
*MAJOR NEWS BREAKTHROUGHT! The REAL IDENTIFY of Norgorber has been discovered! It is *REDACTED*!
And now your latest headlines from Spook News!
EXTRA! EXTRA! Reed all about it! Don't worry, papyrus doesn't bite! Following her gracious assistance of adventurers to overcome the Cult of the unfortunately not-so Forgotten Pharaoh, Lady Muminofrah lands record deal with Druma Outfitters and becomes designer and spokeswoman for the first Plus-Sized Adventurers clothing line known here and far across the Inner Seas!
EXTRA! EXTRA! Starfall experiences rampant blackouts for the first time in 10 years. Official reports blame adventurers running rampant in the power grids. However, experts in the know say they're brown-outs caused by the biggest televangelist broadcast Golarion has ever known!
The Monk protests continue today, the protesters shouting "We're M.A.D. as Hells, and we're not gonna take it anymore!" and "We're sad that we're not S.A.D.!" Monks form special Monk Advocacy Group, M.A.M.A. (Monks Against Multiple Attributes)! More news at 11!
Druma and the prophets of Kalistrade would like to remind you tomorrow is WHITE FRIDAY! NO TAXES! MODERATE DISCOUNTS! Come get these trade goods while supplies last! Bonus deals if you dress in white!
Aroden is STILL dead. HEAR YE, HEAR YE! Die hard Aroden fans decry the rumors of his demise as greatly exaggerated, yell "HE'S NOT DEAD! HE'S JUST HIDING!"
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! IRONIC news coming to us from the Andoran Gazette, Galtan refugees pour over into Andoran, blame Andoran for starting the wildfire of revolt, and resolve to quench it with a revolt of their own! In other news, recent Chelaxian polls show nine out of ten Chelexians think of Andorans as "quite revolting".
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! Political news coming to us from the Andoran Post (Your Post for Politics!) Andoran Supreme Court rules that Consortiums are people! What future implications this might mean are unclear, but it now appears that any attempt to break up the infamous Lumber Consortium would now qualify as the felony crime of murder!
And now, Magi-Tech News from the Cheliaxian Chronicle ("Just because it's HELLISH doesn't mean it's YELLOW journalism!"): Local alchemist Vostik E. Hans develops new invention: Strix-Paper! Alchemical allure brings in Strix and then sticky ooze mechanism binds them inside the Strix-Paper! This news comes just in time for Strix mating season, when their populations on the Devil's Perch more than quintuple!
And now, sad news coming from Galt, May Had'off, noted critic of Galt's "Guillotine first, ask questions later!" policy, was executed today. Unsurprisingly, it was by guillotine.
Rumor has it that it's really a Numerian human who was bit by a radioactive werespider.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! This one comes from our affiliates over at the Chelaxian Chronicle! (Just because its Hellish doesn’t mean it’s YELLOW journalism!) In today’s issue: FINANCIAL IMPROPRIETY ROCKS THE MINISTRY OF ASMODEUS! HIGHPRIEST faces accusations of skimming off the top and even even scurrying away Infernal Relics sacred to the King of Hell himself! Investigation points to the Church of Mammon’s involvement. PHOTOS show the Highpriest in bed with known Mammonite Lady Kaltessa Iyis! This certainly indicates a conflict of interest! When asked to comment his Highpriest’s scandal, Asmodeus would not say anything except for the cryptic comment, “'You cannot serve both me and Mammon.' I learned that saying from a guy I used to know.“
HEREYE,HEREYE, it's been discovered that the ship AI beneath the Silver Mount is neither divine nor really an intelligence, but merely the universe's most elaborate coffee maker!
And now a PSA (funded by the You Really Need to Get a Life Foundation!) Wizardry, alchemy, and monasticism aren't not merely solitary activities. You have to get those mystical teachings, material components, and esoteric training from somewhere! So go out, get to know people, and be active! Defy the false stereotype of the solitary nerd!
THIS BREAKING NEWS just coming in (as of a few years ago), SCANDAL rocks the Asmodean Paladin Team as it's been discovered they've been been injecting serious doses of mistaken references to cover up the noncanoness of their existence! Asmodeus, in a rare instance of when he DIDN'T shoot his mouth off, could not be reached for comment.It turns out that they were Champion of the Faith Warpriests and Hellknights the entire time. And there you have it, folks! And remember, you heard the real story here FIRST!
THIS JUST IN: We are all highly appreciative of the hard work the staff at Paizo does for the community! Thank you!
THIS BREAKING NEWS just coming in (as of a few years ago), SCANDAL rocks the Asmodean Paladin Team as it's been discovered they've been been injecting serious doses of mistaken references to cover up the noncanoness of their existence! Asmodeus, in a rare instance of when he DIDN'T shoot his mouth off, could not be reached for comment.
In the market report, home values in the Worldwound continue their downward spiral. Is gentrification possible in this hell on Golarion? See what our experts say... Is it the fall of the Deskari that's driving people away like the Plague? Perhaps not, many experts are saying that the demons are VOLUNTARILY relocating themselves back to the Abyss. Several studies investigating the phenomenon indicate that the demon class believe the immigration of from their perspectives "undesirables" (such as crusading paladins, heroic barbarians, tricky low templars, and even the odd meddlesome android or two) into the neighborhood putrefy it, almost like a pestilence. What effect this so-called "vrock flight" will have on the demographics of the Worldwound remains to be seen. More news on this story as it develops!
BRB rolling up the Kool-Aid ManOh yeah! Dagnabbit, I was gonna do this, but somebody beat me to it! Well, my lungs can still to it better. OOOOOOOH YEAAAAAAHHH!
762. What happens out of Hermea stays out of Hermea.
Inside this issue of NATIONAL INQUISITOR: Proof positive that, despite denial on the part of both parties, that Queen Elvanna of Irrisen is half-sister to famed Archwitch of Greyhawk Iggwilv!
EXTRA EXTRA! Exclusive to DEITY INSIDER, Torag, god of dwarves and the forge, speaks out for the first time on how he laid waste to an entire city in a decidedly non-Good fashion. "I overreacted a little bit. You see, it was the day I quit smoking, so I was a little bit grumpy already." |
