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If you would sign this document I have here, I will gladly grant you the ability to use teleport as a spell-like ability at will. I will also grant you a magic item that grants flight and automatically adapts you to whatever planet you end up on.
Please ignore the demonic speech and the fact it's nine thousand pages long. It's just a lot of decorative mumbo-jumbo. And the price is something you won't even notice you're missing. Just a small trifle...
Use the rope trick to get to the first color of the rainbow and consult Woogie the freckeled camel!
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{knocks on imaginary door} LarvaGram™ for Mongo.
Build a Dreamy Boom Boom...enough wood up there...
You should roll a Mime (trapped in invisible box) check; if you succeed, you can stick a GalEx shipping label on the outside and have yourself overnighted to elsewhere.
Well, make sure you leave a light on, 'cause it'll be dark soon, and grues mostly come at night... mostly.
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*waves*
I finished talking with my bosses. They agreed to the interplanetary teleport. There may be mild side-effects; mortals tend not to be able to wave their arms the right way to properly pronounce the second-to-last syllable. But, shouldn't be anything harmful.
Well, unless you're that Ash guy. We gave him a similar spell and he mispronounced it so badly he teleported the planet he was on into a gas giant. The Temporal Recursion Department was not happy with us needing a Chronos Reset Device to undo that.
Is this just a jokey thread, or do you need help? What spells do you got?
You should've wrapped yourself in the contract, to avoid sunburn. The ocean will reflect it back and give you a sunburn on your Mr. Bo Dangles.
I got this variant rod of wonder I can give you. It might work for ya. It might not.
Should I insert a "Muhuhuhuahahahahahahahahah" in here somewhere?
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Do you have Sending, and anyone in particular to contact?
Tongues would be useful! to talk with the locals.
Since you're probably already Contacting Another Plane, be wary of entities who try to mislead you.
I wish you a safe return to your homeland of Canada, though in my opinion, life on Castrovel might not be so bad.
{bobs tipsily alongside sipping an Ol' Janx Spirit martini} If it helps, remember that the secret to flying is throwing yourself at the ground and missing. Also, here, you can borrow my towel (sorry about the turnip stains).
{waving tentacle} Stay hoopy, you frood. {turns on imaginary blinker, takes imaginary offramp to imaginary M25 London orbital motorway}
{waving tentacle} Stay hoopy, you frood. {turns on imaginary blinker, takes imaginary offramp to imaginary M25 London orbital motorway}*honks at merging traffic*
{flashes middle tentacle for nearly spilling her drink}
1d20+9
Shouting off mountain did NOT contract a random insanity
Well drat, we'll have to try again. Let's regroup, loadies and gentleslaads.
{paints self gold, fires up karaoke machine, sings (badly):}
"In your head, in your head,
Crazy, crazy, crazy,
Hey, hey, hey.
What's in your head,
In your head,
Crazy, crazy, crazy?"
slipstream if you feel like surfing, for 90 min;
ride the waves would be snazzy; another 9 hours of bopping along.
WHY IS THERE TRAFFIC IN MY HEAD!!!!
Edit: Looks like I've calmed down a little. The voices are a bit quieter and I've learned a lesson:
-NEVER LAND ON AN ISLAND COVERED IN AN OLD RUIN. NEVER-EVER-NEVER.
Well, I still have a few hours left on my flight spell. Hoping to find something (NOT HORRIBLE) by then.
You need a soccer ball so you'll have a friend, Tom Hanks.
Every time you think you're out, do they drag you back in?
Make two rope tricks, one inside the other. Go to the astral instead.
Considering what brought me here, and the fact that I'm flying nude, I'm not sure how reliable it would be. Plus, I havent even had the chance to finish reading the first contract (I had to drop it a while back, it was slowing me down).I finished talking with my bosses. They agreed to the interplanetary teleport. There may be mild side-effects; mortals tend not to be able to wave their arms the right way to properly pronounce the second-to-last syllable. But, shouldn't be anything harmful.
Well, unless you're that Ash guy. We gave him a similar spell and he mispronounced it so badly he teleported the planet he was on into a gas giant. The Temporal Recursion Department was not happy with us needing a Chronos Reset Device to undo that.
No need to read the contract! It's mostly just a bunch of overcomplicated ways of saying you're giving us a mere trifle in exchange for unlimited power...
Sign this second contract!
Yeah, but burning the contract also means you are now out of toilet paper.
I got this variant rod of wonder I can give you. It might work for ya. It might not.
[*winks in existence with a slight "psshhhh" sound. Probes with a minute but sinister-looking violet beam of light*]
"Kkkk... kkkk... scan-n-in-g... kkk"
[*sends an encoded hyper-message towards discrete trans-Grid coordinates*]
[*head rotates left and right... and then does a 360° rotation*]
"Kkkk... kkkk... prele..kkk...mina-ry probbbbbing... acc...kkk... omplished"
[*winks out of existence*]
Here. I got you another contract. Only, please don't sign this one; it's a Microsoft licensing agreement. It's only a couple million pages long, so you may have enough to fashion clothes and have fuel to burn for warmth.
Have you tried communicating with the owner of the tentacles? They may be friendly and can offer you directions.
See if they know sign language
I got this variant rod of wonder I can give you. It might work for ya. It might not.[*winks in existence with a slight "psshhhh" sound. Probes with a minute but sinister-looking violet beam of light*]
"Kkkk... kkkk... scan-n-in-g... kkk"
[*sends an encoded hyper-message towards discrete trans-Grid coordinates*]
[*head rotates left and right... and then does a 360° rotation*]
"Kkkk... kkkk... prele..kkk...mina-ry probbbbbing... acc...kkk... omplished"
[*winks out of existence*]
Oh heyyyyy! It's the little wingding! Just the pet of the guy I was lookin' for.
Hey tell your boss, I found him a friend. You guys really should get together and hobnob for a bit. You'll either kill each other immediately or get along famously. Either way it should be as fun as Friday to watch.