In this day and age, we are bombarded with stupid morals in every major movie we see, every episode of a TV series, every book we read. Apparently, the age of the faerie tale is not over. So, with this in mind, I propose a new game thread: Find the moral of the short story presented in the previous post, then write a short story for the next person.
So...
The mighty gnome sorcerer Flim Bocknoggle XVI used his painstakingly crafted silver summoning circle, his unicorn tallow candles, his Book of Vile Darkness and the sacrifice of a flumph to summon a succubus. He dealt with her with all his skill and all his power, and got her to agree to serve him without protesting. Once she let him out of the circle, she did. With tomato sauce, fried potatoes and some fava beans.
And the moral is?
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An azata is just as cute as a succubus.
Mighty Mulligan of the Monkchinegun Clan went after his wayward brother, presumably on the other continent. He met a great many people, made friends and fought fiends, and when he found the seafood place his lost brother work at, he got sick and vomited, missing his one and only chance to meet him.
And the moral is?
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Meet all the friends you want, fight all the fiends you like, vaccination lets you enjoy it. But do seafood on another continent and not even that will save you.
Gorb the sneaky assassin had prepared himself well. He had made offerings to Norgorber, he had studied the habits of his target, he had trained himself to beyond skill at the garotte and at sneaking soundlessly. The noble nobleman Nillford Oble was going to die. And yet, when he snuck up behind him in the alley to strangle him most horribly, Gorb had the contents of a potty dumped over him. Nillford heard this and helped him up, and did not see the garotte. After that, Gorb went and hid from shame and wasn't seen again.
And the moral is?
When you fail those initiative rolls, you're toast, no matter how many vorpal blades you're slinging.
A pretty little girl was skipping down a crowded street in Katapesh, completely unaware that a bunch of slavers was following her with intent. She turned a corner into a dim alley, and the slavers followed, chuckling. Five minutes later, a passerby noticed a trickle of blood coming from the alley. He looked in and saw the torn-up, partially eaten remains of several humanoids.
And the moral is?
"Working yourself to death" is not just an old saying.
Smaragdine the Sorceress had self-image issues, and thought she needed a truly bad-@$$ familiar to be impressive. She performed the appropriate ritual, and a tiny field mouse appeared. It said, "If you accept me as you familiar and bond with me, I will make your name famous throughout Avistan". After thinking for a minute, she accepted. Thereupon, the mouse assumed its true form, a devil. It tore her apart and used her blood to write her name on walls all over Avistan.
And the moral is?
Two-handed builds suck.
Bellamy the beautiful bardess wanted to have a little romp with the local baron. Once she met him, she had amassed quite an impressive amount of bonuses from all sorts of details, magical and otherwise. All in all, her Diplomacy check was 114. The baron, one Baron Barry Dumpwis, fell madly in love with Bellamy and started a big, public affair-de-coeur with her.
Within a week, Bellamy was murdered by the assassins sent by the baron's wife, Baroness Ididnot Dumpwis, who made her Sense Motive roll quite successfully, thank you very much.
And the moral is?
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Don't subtract from your Con score.
William the Wizard wished to wail on the Wendigo. Forgetting his position, he weapt to the front of the combat, picked up a greataxe from his fallen comrade, and single-handedly carried the day. Then it's assistant (who William had been counterspelling), cast Burning Hands, killing the entire party.
And the moral is?
William the Wizard had never read Gone With the Wendigo, or he would never have forgotten about the trusty sidekick. Always study up on your enemies.
Gaspard the Gunsmith had worked long and hard for the Alkenstar Gunworks, often spending time away from his family and friends in order to improve Alkenstar's products. In spite of his stellar record, when the company reorganized, Gaspard was let go in favor of his manager's nephew. Gaspard promptly armed himself with every weapon he could lay hands on and stalked through the factory buildings, mowing down as many of his former fellow employees as he could find.
And the moral is?
Punctuation is your friend. Oh, and Madeline the Paladin sounds hawt.
One afternoon in sunny Absalom, there were two commoners, Joe and Bob. They had a job. It was to move a honking big safe up into a new building, to the top floor, into a new office, and put it against the wall there. After fighting for several hours, they got it to the door of the office. After another hour, they had gotten it through the door. After twenty more minutes, it stood almost against the wall. Joe wasn't satisfied, so he and Bob moved it the slight, infinitesimal distance to the correct position. This made the entire building fall down into the chasm around the Starstone cathedral next door.
And the moral is?
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When you live in a world with names like Unamit Iradit as common occurrences and your names are Joe and Bob, you deserve to die.
Ivan the Inquisitor was a loyal follower of his god: A paragon of virtue, of righteousness, and of charity. Then he discovered that he had been worshiping Rovagug the whole time.
And the moral is?
Oh, and Madeline the Paladin sounds hawt.
Ah yes. Didn't remember her. As I said, hawt.
The moral is, every god has clergy that embarrass them.
Slakthjalfur the mighty berserker was out touristing in Magnimar. His men were just disembarking from his ship, causing the typical screams, rivers of blood, and so on. He looked forward to a nice cold one when the day's work was done. Now, this was not mere bloodthirst. In fact, he felt proud to provide a vital service to Magnimar, both in architectural innovation, stimulation of the health economy, eventual improvement of the military defenses, and so on. Just as he followed his men onto the docks, he was hit by an arrow to the knee.
And the moral is?
Longshoremen can't aim for beans. He was supposed to get hit in the heart.
A Hawt Paladin never noticed the soulful looks sent her way by a lowly 1st-level fighter. He jumped in front of her to intercept an arrow, took it straight in the aorta, and died immediately. When she prayed over his lifeless corpse, her god scolded her for being cold and unfeeling, and sent her on a Great Quest to atone.
And the moral is?
Keep your ignorance up and you might be re
warded with a divinely ordained great quest with all the travel, excitement and fame this will bring.
A kind, thoughtful sorceress called Tess was once attacked by a stinking and massive owlbear. As it raised its paw to smash her into sorceress paste, she petrified it with a flesh to stone spell. She had the owlbear put up as a statue in Northern Mudfield. Many years later, the aged Tess felt this was unfair. She determined to set this right, and used a scroll of Stone to flesh. The owlbear continued its strike, smashing Tess to sorceress paste.
The moarl is?
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"There is no joy in Mudfield: the owlbear has struck out."
A kindhearted druid named Kenna found a rust monster which had been injured and left for dead by a thoughtless party of adventurers. She healed it, and it became her faithful animal companion. Eventually they encountered the adventurers who had injured the rust monster. The adventurers charged, whereupon Kenna and her companion whupped their butts. As the hapless party lay groaning, Kenna looked back and said,
"Oh, by the way, it's Be Kind To Rust Monsters Week".
And the moral is?
Eat your Wheaties.
Olarin the Waif was the quickest, most successful pickpocket in Absalom. One day she decided to target a rich-looking man who didn't appear to be too smart. As she reached for his purse strings she tripped and landed badly, severely spraining her ankle. Hearing her fall and her yelp of pain, the merchant turned around, saw her, and took pity on her. He offered her a place in his household and she accepted. She never had to live on the streets again.
And the moral is?
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When your Charisma is as high as it is, you don't need to focus on pickpocketing.
Bernard the Bard supported his teammates well, helping them for almost five years. Then finally, he asked "What do you do for me?" Unable to come up with an answer, Bernard left the party, and they died horribly.
And the moral is?
Don't let the charm person lapse.
Fighty the fightest fighter was fighting a big dragon. He had tried everything he could think of to kill it, but nothing seemed to work. Eventually, as the dragon scooped up the half dead Fighty to eat him, he saw his chance. He headbutted it in the eye, counting on his whopping great helmet spike to kill it. Or would have, if the dragon hadn't been wearing armour spikes on its belt, which made sure Fighty ran the armour spike into his own brain, killing him instantly.
And the moral is?
Some questions are better left unanswered.
Bob and Ted grew up in the same village and fell in love with the same girl. Bob swore to win her affection by becoming a great warrior and began training. He returned home with riches and the favor of the king he had saved, expecting to sweep the lass off her feet. And discovered Ted had wooed her and married her while Bob was out of town.
And the moral is?
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Even when the adventuring day is ten minutes, those ten minutes still add up.
Oswald the Oracle was blind. No way around it. So when people found out he was an Oracle of Battle, they laughed at him, until one ragtag band of misfits needing a healer let him join. He saved the party from darkness casting Tieflings.
And the moral is?
A little Blind Faith goes a long way.
A skinny little tabby kitten was grabbed off of a street in Egorian by a vivisectionist who needed a subject. When they arrived at the vivisectionist's lab, the kitten wriggled free and scrambled to find a hiding place, taking shelter on a beam in the highest part of the ceiling. Hearing her yowls of fright, a grumpy wizard poked his head in the door. At the sight of the lab and its disgusting contents, he lightning-bolted the vivisectionist, who promptly died. He looked up at the kitten and said, "You can come down now". His silvanshee familiar joined him, and they left.
And the moral is?
Feed your pets or they may end up vivisectionist practice.
The mighty angel Bartulphon the Shining Blade of Extraneous Justice was out walking in the street in Absalom one day. He saw a crowd about to lynch a poor woman screaming for help. Drawing his mighty flaming sword Neckcauterizer, he tore into the crowd, sending crowd pieces flying, setting the entire block on fire and spray-painting the entire street with burnt blood. It took just two rounds before the last miscreants lay dead. Bartulphon the Shining Blade of Extraneous Justice helped the old, frail woman to her feet, at which point she hugged him, planting a kiss on his lips. A few rounds later, the succubus took her normal form and flew off, leaving the remains of the angel behind, but keeping Neckcauterizer. The fire killed thirty-eight more people before it could be controlled.
And the moral is?
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LG is Lawful Shtooped
The mighty lich Septum was organizing his notes one day, when a group of first level adventurers came in. Paralyzed by his fear, Septum decided that they could be of use to him. He made them his followers, and soon became some of the most important and powerful people in the world.
And the moral is?
Wearing a cloak is the only relevant qualification for sending people out on quests.
Bomberdina the chubby sprite had eyes only for her food. Since she was a princess, she had many suitors. One day, her parents forced her to marry the strapping prince Bruttinar. She ate the wedding cake herself, and the food at the banquet, and parts of the decorations. Eventually, Bruttinar and she were alone in the bedroom.
The next morning, only Bomberdina came out. Bruttinar was nowhere to be found. She was declared a widow a year later, and inherited both kingdoms.
And the moral is?
Cavaliers are consummate keister-kickers.
Sordik the Summoner serendipitously summoned seven silvery silvanshees simultaneously.
And the moral is?
It doesn't matter if you belong to an underpowered class as long as you play it smart.
Gundar Forge-Heart was enamored with Bellenda, the Sorceress Witch of the Fey Bough. And so, one night, he drank to conjure up enough courage to say to her :
"I love ye !"
But she answered:
"Sorry, Gundar ! But you're not half the man I need !".
So he retorted:
"I'm a dwarf, you stupid cow !"
She snapped:
"And I'm an elf woman, not a cow - you midget !".
And with theses final words she strode off into dust, went to Absalom and bested the StarStone. She then became Godess of the Humiliating Put-Down. Calistria was annoyed and called her "an upstart b$$+% !".
Bellenda responded that she didn't see the point of being a godess and a male fantasy slut.
And then it was War in the Heavens. And the dwarves laughed.
And the moral is ?
Rocky indeed is romance between elves and dwarves.
Kalimitris the Golden was a very, very ancient wyrm. His joints creaked. His scales were ragged. When he breathed, he generated more smoke than flame. One day he sighed, looked up at Heaven, and said, "Well, it's like this, Celestial Ones: I've been there, seen that and collected a pile of treasure out of it. What more is there to do?"
A Celestial Being appeared and replied, "Since you ask, there are a few things that could use some attention. Would you like to be Our deputy?".
Kalimitris stared and said, "You're kidding, aren't You?"
"No", said the Celestial Being.
And the moral is?
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Everyone has a purpose, and a use for Good.
Strikes Like Lightning was an overconfident warrior. One day, he found a minotaur, and thought "Hey...I'd stab that." The minotaur apparently had Powerful Charge, and it brought him 2 hp away from death. If he'd been alone, he'd have died.
And the moral is?
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don't stab, slash, it is more effective against flesh.
Ray the cleric, Vav the incompetent mage, and Jack the paladin were lost in the middle of the woods. Vav trips on a root and accidentally mutters an incantation along with his stream of swears, causing everyone to spontaneously combust.
And the moral is?
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The sad fact is, most people don't owe their parents diddly.
Grover the Gunslinger, Omar the Investigator, Twinkle the Cleric, and Solomon the Warlock had just killed an evil Alchemist in his mad metal fortress when suddenly, they heard loud, metallic footsteps coming up the stairs to the door to the Alchemist's lair, which was closed. The ever-wary Grover ran to the side of the door and called Solomon to brace against the other side. They heard a knock, and a voice asking, "Who's in there?"
"Who's out there?" asked Grover.
"I asked first," replied the voice.
Before Grover could say anything more, Solomon sighed and unceremoniously threw the door open.
It was Ivan the Paladin, covered from top to bottom in gleaming full plate, and whose sword, which he kept at his side, crackled with electricity.
Grover shoved his blunderbuss in Ivan's face. "Drop your weapon!" He demanded.
"You first," replied Ivan. "What did I do to you?"
The aristocratic Solomon chided the much more plebian Grover to be a gentleman and lower his weapon.
"How do we know we can trust him?" Grover replied in a harsh stage whisper.
"How do you know we shouldn't?" Solomon tried.
After a few rounds of this sort of bickering, Ivan tried stepping into the room. Grover responded by pulling the trigger on his blunderbuss. With shocking speed, Ivan lashed out and pushed the muzzle of the gun to the side. The shot hit a stout tree with effect comparable to several strikes from a lumberjack's axe.
"Put that away," Ivan wagged his finger at Grover. "Someone might get hurt."
It turned out that Ivan had been seeking the same thing as the party: Discover and stop the plot of the evil Alchemist and his mysterious maniacal master, known to them only as "Pharaoh."
Thus did Ivan join the party, and together they saved the world.
And the moral is?
It does no good to wield a gun unless you know where to point it. Also, paladin are badasses.
Timmy the Gnat wanted to be an adventurer, despite the objections from his momma. So, when the strange man with the glowing staff and the pointy hat and his scruffy-lookin and dagger wielding friend passed through his isolated village under the shadow of Buzz-Buzz mountain, Timmy sneaked out at the end of the day after the adventurers' departure to follow them.
Alas, the scruffy-looking fellow easily spotted Timmy among the dusky shadows. The rogue then seized Timmy, tucked him under his arm and went back to the campfire.
- "Look what I found, Darkon !" the rogue said to the gloomy chap with the glowing staff.
- "Let us slay him, Roggy Roger !" answered the dark wizard "The little vermin will make a good pot-scrubbing undead slave !"
- "Naaaah ! We'd better sell him to the Unholy Slavers of Eversyfer for a good price !"
- "You're mean people ! You're no true adventurers !" said Timmy the Gnat.
And he shapechanged in his natural form, that of a chitinous four-armed humanoid with 14 Hit Dice and venomous claws, and tore the villains to pieces despite their pleading cries and shrieks of pain and terror.
And the moral is ?
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In a world where you can't trust anything, not even your own senses, a clean conscience is your best defense.
An impoverished family consisting of a husband, a wife, and their young son lived in the slums of the city that was part of a vast, dying empire. Over the short time that they'd grown to know him, their son had shocked the couple by revealing himself to be a prodigy, kind, sensitive, and brilliant. You'd think this would have made the parents proud - in fact, it did not, for they knew that their child deserved a life that they could never give him, nor could anyone else they knew, as the empire they lived in cared nothing for its poor, and the idea of a genius emerging from their ranks was considered as unthinkable as it was terrifying.
The fact was, the family had barely enough to eat. Distraught and despondent, the father decided to kill himself - his wife made most of what little money they had, and with him gone, he reasoned, his wife and son would at least be able to eat. He went through with it - his wife discovered his body mere hours later. Though horrified and miserable, she understood his motives, and buried him in a cloth shroud and fragile coffin, gifted her by a sympathetic necromancer's apprentice who lodged nearby, in the potter's field on the edge of town.
However, the husband had botched his own suicide attempt, and survived. He eventually regained consciousness and discovered he was buried alive. His survival instinct suddenly overcame his death wish, and he began to claw at the side of his coffin. In less than a minute, he managed to tear away a few half-rotten boards; and to his shock, some of the very earth next to his coffin gave way as well. Behind it was a cavity in the ground beneath the potter's field, and within were ruins from the empire's distant halcyon days. He needed stagger only a short distance through the chamber before discovering a long-forgotten cache of gold and jewelry and gems. His despair turned immediately to ecstasy as he scooped up the treasure in his former shroud and slowly but surely dug his way out of his shallow grave and returned to his family, whose shock was quickly joined by elation.
The first thing the family did with the money was give a small gift of thanks to the necromancer's apprentice, who had been faring little better than they; after hearing their full story, he suggested they begin a new life in a neighboring nation, one which was on the rise rather than the decline, and was far more egalitarian and forward-thinking than where they lived, so that was what they did. It all worked out better than they had ever dreamed, and they were able to give their son the education and life he deserved.
He would go on to become a powerful wizard, and, when the old empire from which he came attempted to march on and conquer his adopted home in a final, desperate attempt to sustain itself, his role would be pivotal in turning the tide of war and leading the younger nation to instead conquer the old empire, imposing reforms that would enable opportunity and better lives for all, and forever closing the book on the old order. Nothing would ever be the same.
And the moral is?
Sometimes you have to die to be reborn.
Once upon a time, there was a fair kingdom in a fair land. The king, a widow, reigned upon his subjects with wisdom and kindness.
He had a daughter, one of the fairest and wisest ladies in the realm, and he knew that someday, some years before he died, he would abdicate and make her a queen, so as to avoid any unpleasantness regarding the succession of rulership.
And that's what he did.
And the young queen reigned happily after her father, slowly growing in age and becoming all the wiser for that. But she couldn't find a husband fair to her heart in her kingdom, and so she married a duke from the nearby realm, a strong man with a good heart.
But they couldn't have children. And they grew old, and childless, and they reigned fairly, and almost all of their subjects were happy.
One day, they died peacefully within the same breath, for their love was as strong as the day when they met and fell in love.
There was no royal heir, and the kingdom fell in the grasp of the former duke's nephew, a wicked man of necromantic tendencies. The necromancer brought a suffering reign of pain upon the hapless kingdom.
Many died only to be raised as undead servants. It was a truely dark age.
And it lasted 25 years, until the day a young and adventurous tavern wench with PC class levels, one Esmeralda nicknamed "Brawlpot" by popular fervor, decapitated the foul necromancer with her trusty sentient wisecracking vorpal broom.
And the moral is ?
A lot of ancient fairy tales would have ended quite differently if people with PC class levels and vorpal weapons had been added. Too bad they insisted on "core only".
The tiny group of adventurers had finally managed, through a confluence of events and careful manipulations, managed to enter the dark lord's castle. They were right outside the treasure room, where the dark lord's crystallized heart which granted him his immortality was stored. The doorway, however, gave them pause. At the top was a plaque that said:
"Cost for passage: One life."
The heroes looked at one another.
"It does detect as magical, but surely there are many spells on it, and given time, I could dismantle the trap.", said Wilfred the Wizard.
"We do not have time, Wilfred.", said Roger the Rogue. "Given that this is the way inside the treasure chamber, we can be quite certain this is a fake."
Clarissa the Cleric shook her head. "It is certainly not beyond the evil of the Dark Lord to sacrifice a minion every time someone enters here. It is clear that one of us must make the sacrifice. I am willing, if..."
Baxter the Barbarian turned around from the other side of the doorway he just stepped through. "Are you guys coming? We don't have all the time in the world."
And the moral is?
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Fools rush in...and all are the better for it.
The Grasshopper and the Ant, Part II:
The Spring after the hard-working Ant had taken in the lazy Grasshopper, the Grasshopper left the ant colony to resume his carefree life. As he was doing so, however, the Ant appeared behind him and said, "STOP. You owe me...and all my colony. One season for taking you in, two more for the seasons we worked to build where we sheltered you and provide what we fed you. You can be either a worker, a soldier, or a concubine for the Queen."
"I don't want to be any of those things," replied the Grasshopper. "Besides, I couldn't. I'm a Grasshopper. I don't work the same way Ants do. Maybe I could do something else for you?"
"Yes," replied the Ant, stoically. "You may be food for our larvae after our soldiers rip you to pieces if you will not be a worker, soldier, or drone. You are not special. There is no 'I' in colony."
Over the Winter, the Grasshopper had been observing the colony. Nobody ever did anything except work, fight, mate with the Queen, or, in one case, be the Queen. Their primary goal, it seemed to him, did not seem to be saving up for next Winter. So, the Grasshopper asked what all the work was for.
"We are preparing for war against the Red Ants," explained the Ant.
"The Red Ants?" responded the Grasshopper, audibly surprised. "I traveled near where they live last year. Why would you waste all that you have going to war with them? They're no different from you."
The Ant responded by suddenly stinging the Grasshopper in the cephalothorax and screaming "YOU WILL SPEAK NO SUCH LIES! Either you are with Us, or you are with the Red Ants!"
Through the pain, the shocked Grasshopper said, "If that...is what you believe...then there is nothing I can do...to help you."
With that, the Grasshopper used his mighty hind legs, long neglected in his time among the ant tunnels, and leaped far into the air and away from the Ant and her colony.
Only weeks later, the war with the Red Ants began. It was a nightmare that would consume the whole lives of multiple generations of ants, and in the end, the queens of both colonies would be killed, and the fate of both colonies would be forever sealed.
The Grasshopper, meanwhile, spent the year travelling to a place with a warmer climate.
And the moral is?
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Brevity is a show stopper when used correctly.
There once was a girl named Seoni.
As a child she really wanted a pony.
She practiced small magic for a conjuration.
But to her surprise, summoned a conflagration.
She tried to extinguish it with all of her might,
but try as she might, more things began to alight.
At last she decided she needed some help. An elemental would come!
She blubbed and she bubbled she swam and she swum, but what came to save her was a very mad mum.
And the moral is?
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A child's desire for things they can't take care of usually pisses off their parents.
Once there was this kid
Who got into an accident
And couldn't come to school
But when he finally came back
His hair had turned
From black into bright white
He said that it was from when
The cars had smashed so hard
And the moral is?
Don't get into accidents or your hair will rebel.
Once there was this old woman who lived alone in a house and every halloween she would hand out candy to the kiddies. One halloween she forgot to buy candy because she was getting old and going senile. So the next door neighbor bought candy and showed up at her door step dressed as a mummy. She opened the door and he thrust the bag at her, but instead of taking it she fell over, dead.
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Don't scare people who are susceptible to heart attacks.
One day, Bob went to the store to buy a loaf of bread. The clerk was a dinosaur and bit Bob's head off. Bob's headless corpse reanimated itself, pulled out a machine gun, and shot the dinosaur clerk to bits. And then a meteor fell on them and crushed them.
And the moral is?