HAH! We judge harshly here on the 'net!
I like the idea though...suuuuuuuuper fun item.
Instead of "wraps cover this" I'd leave it at "wraps the". For some reason it just seems awkward when I read it the original way.
Yay dragon's mouth!
Magical blade...so can we get an extra 1d6 dice of damage of whatever element the spell is?
I have another item in mind with passingly similar abilities with the feats/proficiencies. LOVE the concept.
Maybe make this a defensive item...it can ABSORB AoE damage and produce the blade on a successful reflex save perhaps?
Super fun idea!
And get better from your procedure!
I can't quite shake the feeling that the "spell blade" idea is a class feature somewhere - possibly back to the old 3.5 days - i don't know for certain if there is a class in Pathfinder (or Archetype) that allows spell delivery through the weapon, I just have that niggling worry.
That said, I do really like this, and I suppose adding something like Ghost Sound would let you have it Vrrrrm Wmmmmm like a real lightsabr.... magical blade :P
I had a strange thought last night, and I think its worth sharing...
The item that is Meme auto reject. How do I know that my item is Meme?
May seem an odd question, but think about it. I have a minuscule experience of what has been seen and done to death compared to the judges who have a life experience of such.
So, apart from the obvious things mentioned already in past threads (coins, camping items to name a few), how do we avoid the meme trap when we don't realize it's meme and our playgroup may have even less experience and so may also not recognize it as such?
Yeah, I have very strange brain moments at weird hours of the day. I thought it was an interesting conundrum though.
(By meme, I am not referring to the "themes" that appear each year, e.g. filigree, but the actual done to death many times over item types).
Bringing it up for consideration because the "lightsabre" item just posted has that meme feel to it, so it makes me nervous. It's well executed, clever, good imagery but is it meme?
I leave you to ponder this.
Meme items fall into two categories (at least):
A cool special effect from [this year's summer] blockbuster.
An item that does as expected (a coin that gives two options, a pillow that aids sleeping, a fork that makes roads split).
I jest of course, I have no idea what the meme might be. :) last year it was not the item so much as the 'filigree.' On going back those who kept track of all items found a very small percentage of items that actually had 'filigree' in it. I think it was DankeSean (could be wrong) that explained it this way: Someone complained about seeing filigree in a number of items (randomly speaking SOMEONE was bound to get several in a row). Then, because everyone heard this, everyone kept seeing it. Kind of like. when you. watch Star Trek. You ne. Ver noticed. William Shatner SPEAKING unusually. Until someone. Made FUN of IT.
Just finished a huge project so I will be around here a little more. I also need to make a ring that turns rays into melee touch attacks (ala psylock). I will wait to read/comment on motteditor's until I have finished mine but two other reviews coming tomorrow.
Anthony, you might be thinking of spell blade & 3.5 had psi-blades.
Cleansing Spirits
*soaking the clothes for a spell effect is pretty cool, does it only last until the clothes dry? 1d4 rounds? until used?
**spell turning nothing fancy. what does 'encompassed in spell turning mean?' do you spells not turned because of spell level. & wait it offers SR20 for 12K? I am missing something.***Agreed with the erase. Seems tacked on, SAK
I disagree with Jiggy, but maybe too much in the other direction. Alcohol/spirits has long been a remedy for removing stains from textiles. So much so that the name seems too bland. I would aim for something arcane or spell related for the primary aspect. Turning Spirits? Arcane Cleansing Spirits? Spell Removal Spirits?
I disagree with Jiggy, but maybe too much in the other direction.
I know we look alike, but I'm not Jiggy. Congrats on getting the project done. Though you've still got edits awaiting you.
FWIW, the filigree stuff never bothered me last yeaer.
skyspike
Aura faint abjuration; CL 5
Slot none; Price 22010 gp, 32010 (Greater); weight 1 lb.
Description
This cold iron spike is one foot long and one inch thick, featuring a broad, flat head most often embossed with the symbol of Torag; the holy symbol of another dwarven god is rare but not unheard of.
Once every 24 hours, when driven into a floor, wall, ceiling, door, or other suitable surface, a skyspike creates a 30’ radius dome of opaque energy. This barrier camouflages itself with its surroundings, blocking direct sight into the warded area. Sounds may still emanate from within, and those within the warded area gain partial cover from those outside the camouflaged dome. Discovering the camouflaged dome requires a DC 25 Perception check.
Using a skyspike requires its wielder to use a full round action to drive it into a surface using a blunt metal object, such as a hammer, or the back of a hand axe. Wooden cudgels and the like are insufficient. Those seeking its benefit must be within 30 feet of the wielder before the spike is driven home. Once in place, a typical skyspike grants all within its radius the benefits of both a silent alarm spell and protection from evil.
Greater skyspikes also grant the benefit of nap stack, though they are very rare. This advanced option may only be used once per week, but is independent of any other casting of nap stack.
Construction
Requirements craft wondrous item, alarm, protection from evil; crafter must be a dwarf. Greater- alarm, protection from evil, nap stack; crafter must be a dwarf. Cost11050 gp, Greater 16050gp
D'Oh! Sorry other Jacob (aka motteditor). :)
Welcome B.A Ironskull!
"It's not a lightsaber...it's a psionic spear blade...lightsaber is a trademarked term."
What weapons Can we afford? Actually that is the next page, but this fits the joke better. :)
Refraction Pendant
* area effect (maybe 'of' is a champs or 3.5 holdover. Maybe it still exists, but it sounds odd to me now. )
**60 foot cone is HUGE. Especially if it is a ray, can you imagine enervating 180 minions? Ok enervation is close so it is only a 30 ft. cone, but wow. For... well I dinnae how much it costs but not enough! :) I would like the multiple -rays-spells addressed, maybe it can increase the size of the cone, but multiple cones with no touch attacks is pretty (read: uber) powerful.**wait the DC for the save is dependent on my (caster's) roll? I think MottE already addressed this, I will come back if not.
***'Tis not often called out but the height of cylinder area spell is effectively infinite. Flame strike for example evokes a vertical column of divine fire. Again I would like to see the multiple attacks (such as call lightning) addressed. Not sure a BAB from a wizard is enough to hit many things. A 10th level wizard (BAB +5) will miss all creatures 25% of the time (AC being 10+..., ) I would let Dex or primary casting stat's bonus be applied.
Grammatically some verbages seem to be gone, run on sentences exist, and added double negatives slow down the writing.
Stat this one up, I want to see it! :) Nice job.
Skyspike
I think you forgot to capitalize the first S :)
CL should be in the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, and etc. form. In this case, 5th.
Commas in the price.
You don't have a space between the 1st and 2nd paragraph but you DO between the 2nd and 3rd and then you DON'T again between the 3rd and 4th.
" floor, wall, ceiling, door, or other suitable surface" I would just maybe say "any suitable surface".
I'm not sure it should only be partial cover...you are effectively invisible until the dome is discovered...and with a 30' radius that's a lot of squares to shoot into to even *try* to hit a target.
Craft Wondrous not craft wondrous.
Commas in cost.
I'm just...not sure about this. What does the name have to do with it? Why is it a sky spike?
You've got some grammatical issues that motteditor and Curaigh will be much better to point out than I will as well.
This seems like a literal Swiss Army Knife (or SAK) item...you've got a bunch of features that don't really seem to be connected to an item that has a name that doesn't really mesh with the functions.
I do like the idea behind it, driving a spike into something for some effect, it's a cool cinematic, but I think the execution throws off from the idea.
Watch the video Ed Healy posted here. It is a FANTASTIC wealth of advice and naming is brought up somewhere in the bottom half I think.
First of all, welcome, B.A. Always nice to have new folks in our merry little band.
Headkase noted a lot of the template problems with your skyspike, but also : You're missing a "gp" after the price of the greater version; "Weight" should be uppercase; and I think there's a space missing between "Cost" and the cost.
First of all, some things I like: The name. I agree with headkase that it doesn't really fit the item, but it's a cool name. I also like the base item. Honestly, I get a picture of pounding the spike into the sky from the name, which I think is a cool visual.
I thought your initial description was OK, but try to avoid using "is" as a verb. It's not exciting. Contrast that with verbs like "to drive" that you use, which are far more interesting. I think I'd also avoid "sometimes" sort of items as you have in the second part of that first sentence. It doesn't add anything.
I thought the idea of needing a metal item to drive it into the ground was neat, though at the same time it seems like a superfluous detail. How often won't a PC have a non-wooden item?
However, I have to admit, that in addition to being an SAK, I think it's also a spell in a can. It doesn't really do anything new/different with the rules or spells. The neatest part is the illusionary dome, which probably should have something in the list of spells to represent it (minor image, at the very least).
Some other thoughts:
I don't think you really need a lesser/greater version, honestly. Nap stack isn't such a big difference and I think with the public voting, that's the type of thing people will use to decide against you. My feeling was a lot of people made a snap decision really quickly in voting, so I'd do anything I could to mitigate possible negative impressions.
Also, I seem to remember Sean saying last year or the year before that Paizo doesn't like to use cold iron as a magic item as it's the anti-magic metal.
Refraction Pendant* area effect (maybe 'of' is a champs or 3.5 holdover. Maybe it still exists, but it sounds odd to me now. )
**60 foot cone is HUGE. Especially if it is a ray, can you imagine enervating 180 minions? Ok enervation is close so it is only a 30 ft. cone, but wow. For... well I dinnae how much it costs but not enough! :) I would like the multiple -rays-spells addressed, maybe it can increase the size of the cone, but multiple cones with no touch attacks is pretty (read: uber) powerful.
**wait the DC for the save is dependent on my (caster's) roll? I think MottE already addressed this, I will come back if not.
***'Tis not often called out but the height of cylinder area spell is effectively infinite. Flame strike for example evokes a vertical column of divine fire. Again I would like to see the multiple attacks (such as call lightning) addressed. Not sure a BAB from a wizard is enough to hit many things. A 10th level wizard (BAB +5) will miss all creatures 25% of the time (AC being 10+..., ) I would let Dex or primary casting stat's bonus be applied.
Grammatically some verbages seem to be gone, run on sentences exist, and added double negatives slow down the writing.Stat this one up, I want to see it! :) Nice job.
Some very interesting points as always from you.
Yes, on reflection the 60 foot is huge, so I may base it to become a cone 15 feet for every 3 spell levels to a max 45 feet.
I hadn't considered multiple rays - hmmm, maybe you can focus area of effects into 1 ray for every 5 caster levels, choosing how many rays you want when you cast. Excess dice that don't distribute equally would be lost of course. I'll think on this, but I am also fighting to keep the effects fairly clean and low in word count, this would possibly start pushing this item to the 250+ area if I work this in.
I might add something to the effect of the cone height is no higher than it's width to get around the infinite height issue. Simple and easy to word I think. That was a very good catch by the way.
I'm suffering at the moment from lack of game group rustiness >.< - two of my lads got posted to Afghan for six months, so I'm not as with it as normal I guess.
As an aside,
If any of my old review group using google docs are about, I am posting up in a few days a basic description of what I think might be an idea that approaches superstar coolness - if you agree when it's posted, I may have stumbled across my entry for the next competition already. So I'm setting it up in a To Do folder so I don't forget it.
...
Headkase noted a lot of the template problems with your skyspike...
Ok, give me a few more days and I'll open up my retrospective pdf document I am building from all the forum posts of the last six years, in particular the "Round 1 Template" section is just about formatted and should catch most of these issues for you.
Bit of a strange request now...
I don't suppose anyone has a screenshot of the entry form and the preview screen from any of the last few years? (feel free to obfuscate the edit boxes/preview content).
I would like to add a screenshot to the doc adding some arrows/text saying how it should be completed and highlighting that wonderful preview button word count.
If you can provide such, please PM me and I will give you my email addy.
skyspike
Love the name :)
Normally the only thing I feel even remotely qualified on is the formatting, but that has been covered very well already. I've said it elsewhere, but the practice in this thread will not make your item superstar. It will help make your superstar idea into an item though, & that is because the little things like formatting will take less time on an actual submission. :)*G in 'greater' should be lowercase.
**Without knowing what nap stack does, I dinnae know if this is SAK, but I don't think it is SiC. This uses an illusion to hide a group of someone, granting them some other protections as well. It does fall into the MAS category, but not so far as to be auto killed.
***lots more backstory/actions than necessary. There must be a 'Quest for Sky' reference in here, but I am missing it.
Maybe to those inside, the dome looks like the bright blue of a morning sky, or the constellation splattered indigo of midnight. Giving those followers of Torag a glimpse of what they left their homes for. I would love for those within 30 ft. when the spike is driven to see the sky spread out like cracks growing farther and farther until it fills up the dome.
Nice job. Do a rewrite, I'd love to see where this goes :)
So I am thinking of an archetype to post here, or at least something other than an item to work on other design skills...is that good for everyone? Or would you caution me to nail the item part down first?
Also, does anyone happen to have the bb code template from the archetype round handy?
AND! Here's a question, I think I've got a brilliant idea for an item/archetype/whatever. Should I discuss it here or save it for the contest? Should I see if anyone is willing to have a PM discussion? Does that violate any of the rules?
So I am thinking of an archetype to post here, or at least something other than an item to work on other design skills...is that good for everyone? Or would you caution me to nail the item part down first?
Also, does anyone happen to have the bb code template from the archetype round handy?
AND! Here's a question, I think I've got a brilliant idea for an item/archetype/whatever. Should I discuss it here or save it for the contest? Should I see if anyone is willing to have a PM discussion? Does that violate any of the rules?
Aye, if you would rather practice a different round please do so. I know Jacob really wanted to practice monsters. In both cases the part we can help the most with is formatting. Some of us will be better with balance, grammar, flavor, mechanics, etc. than others, but we can all help with formatting. Not to mention with the time crunch of later rounds, formatting is the part you hope to spend the least amount of time on. Practice is practice. :)
'Tis in the Round 2 rules, which are still available.
Collaboration is not allowed. Previously 'published' work is not allowed. Submitting something not owned by you is not allowed. Posting anything to the boards gives it to Paizo officially and makes it public in any case. Part of the reason I started this thread was to get proof-readers who were familiar with the contest. My local group was good with balance and flavor, but not aware of the intricacies of Siac, SAK, backstory, previous Top 32 etc.. That has worked* :) If that circle gets too big I will try and split it into groups of three. So I encourage anyone who wants a review group to contact me. :)
I'd say go for it; I'm trying to do a monster but just running into some procrastination problems.
Curaigh, thanks for saving me the time to find the rules (if only I'd noticed you linked them before I found the URL myself to post).
If you think it's brilliant, save it for the contest (I've got three or four things I've got first drafts of that I'm saving even though I could well use none of them once it comes down to it). I'm happy to be part of a reading circle for you; there's nothing wrong with having some beta readers -- I know I've traded notes with a few people online about various ideas in addition to a couple of my real-life gaming friends -- but as Curaigh said, you should make sure it's your OWN idea.
As promised, updated pdf (still far from complete) guide to Superstar, including the template for round 1.
Here's the Monk archetype I was actually working on for Round 2 that was an alternate to the Alchemist archetype I worked on and submitted to the So You Didn't Make It thread :) It's still a pretty rough draft but:
Monk of the Reflecting Pool (Monk)
Many are those who hear the call for meditation and reflection. The Monk of the Reflecting Pool has trained through meditation on movement and form at the countless pools of water found in Sevenarches. He has learned to reproduce what he has seen and meld it into his own forms.
Class Skills: A Monk of the Reflecting Pool gains Spellcraft and Use Magic Device and loses Knowledge(history) and Profession as class skills.
Unbroken Surface (Ex): At 1st level, a Monk of the Reflecting Pool gains the ability to mimic any physical attack made by a creature that he sees. He must observe the attack and mimic it before the end of his next turn or he loses the memory of the attack and must observe a new one. If the attack is made using a weapon he gains proficiency with that weapon when he mimics that attack. This replaces Stunning Fist.
Stone-Broken Surface(Ex): At 3rd level, a Monk of the Reflecting Pool gains the Improved Disarm feat and may treat any weapon he has disarmed while unarmed as a Monk weapon. This replaces Still Mind.
Pattern in the Ripples (Sp): At 4th level, a Monk of the Reflecting Pool may spend Ki points from his Ki Pool to reproduce any spell or spell-like ability he has observed. It costs 2 ki points for a spell 2nd level or below and 1 additional ki points for every spell level thereafter. He must have a Monk of the Reflecting Pool level high enough that the caster class needs to have access to the level of spell he is attempting to mimic. He must try to reproduce the spell before the end of his next turn or he loses the memory of the spell and must observe a new one. This replaces the Ki Pool ability to make an extra attack during a flurry, increase his speed, and add a +4 Dodge bonus to his AC.
Unbroken Surface.
My worry here is that witnessing an attack with a weapon kind of requires the monk to have access to a weapon of that type in order to mimic it.
e.g. if he mimics a slash with a longsword, he gains proficiency in longsword when mimicking the attack, but does he actually need the weapon, or ( ready for the cool? ), does a weapon appear in his hand formed of ki energy in the shape and form of the weapon observed, allowing him to mimic any attack he sees without need of carrying a personal arsenal of weapons?
Stone-Broken Surface
Nice and simple swap, again, for more cool, what if he could couple this power as another alternate means of mimicking an attack seen with a weapon, i.e. he does the disarm, but ends up holding the weapon and may mimic the attack with that weapon on a successful disarm?
Pattern in the Ripples - I like this, I do worry about game balance, so I did wonder if it should be needs twice the levels of the original caster - he can only mimic a fireball not at 5th level, but at 10th level if you see what I mean. It would stop the archetype becoming an "all encompassing" archetype and so retain some game balance.
I like what you are aiming for, and it certainly brings the monk mysticism to the fore, I just worry it might be too powerful. One I think I would need to play test at various levels to be sure.
Unbroken Surface.
My worry here is that witnessing an attack with a weapon kind of requires the monk to have access to a weapon of that type in order to mimic it.
e.g. if he mimics a slash with a longsword, he gains proficiency in longsword when mimicking the attack, but does he actually need the weapon, or ( ready for the cool? ), does a weapon appear in his hand formed of ki energy in the shape and form of the weapon observed, allowing him to mimic any attack he sees without need of carrying a personal arsenal of weapons?
Man the Ki formed weapon would ROCK! But to me...that starts treading on Psionics...not necessarily the flavor I was aiming for. But the idea was that this is a precursor to the next power...
Stone-Broken SurfaceNice and simple swap, again, for more cool, what if he could couple this power as another alternate means of mimicking an attack seen with a weapon, i.e. he does the disarm, but ends up holding the weapon and may mimic the attack with that weapon on a successful disarm?
That is EXACTLY what I envisioned. In the Disarm rules, if he makes the disarm successfully without a weapon, he can automatically pick it up. So if he observed an with Unbroken Surface, then disarmed with Stone-Broken Surface, he would be proficient when he mimic'ed AND it would be treated as a Monk weapon...so he could mimic the attack with the weapon he disarmed while being proficient and flurry with it for that mimic.
Pattern in the Ripples - I like this, I do worry about game balance, so I did wonder if it should be needs twice the levels of the original caster - he can only mimic a fireball not at 5th level, but at 10th level if you see what I mean. It would stop the archetype becoming an "all encompassing" archetype and so retain some game balance.
I like what you are aiming for, and it certainly brings the monk mysticism to the fore, I just worry it might be too powerful. One I think I would need to play test at various levels to be sure.
I toyed around with making it an additional 2 ki points for every 2 levels past spell level 2...so 3-4 would require 4 ki points to "cast". With the ki pool at 1/2 monk level + Wis mod...this would be at 20th level, 10 + maybe another 10 or so. That's a pretty specialized monk and could only cast a spell level 3 or 4 5 times...and only if they saw it in the previous round. But...I am also really concerned about balance on this.
Thanks for the feedback!
No worries, I finally got on top of my template section of my pdf (linked earlier for you), and am about to type out my first typed draft for my Wayfinder 10 submission. So that was a nice break.
On that second one, what I meant was "take the stone from my hand" , as in the disarm is such that the weapon comes away in the monks fist, no need to pick it up at all, and he gets to attack (mimic) immediately with it!
Otherwise, we have the issue, see attack, does disarm in the next round which uses up his one round grace to mimic the attack observed - hope that makes sense.
That was a nice diversion and change of pace, now Wayfinder 10 - going for an encounter this time!
He he he, so if you like - Wayfinder 8 - I made it to top 32 by getting an item in there, Wayfinder 9, I got to the next round by getting an archetype in there, so Wayfinder 10 is my encounter round - my only problem is - there isn't enough Wayfinder issues to the next competition >.<
Nice, Reflecting Pool is tied into all the abilities and it avoids much of the River Kingdoms repeat that we saw in (& out of) the contest. I think it could be a little tighter that the monk studying a reflection is the same as learning to mimic it.
What does mimic an attack mean? throw a blow? he can already do that. make a disarm? grapple? bull rush? already do that too. Use a feat? Ok that is getting somewhere (frex improved bull rush doesn't provoke an AoO). Mimic a 10 BAB with an 18 str? is that 18 with raging or natural? is that a high BAB or a good roll? does the mimic get the +2 from the belt? ugh what a nightmare for GM. What about swallow whole? what about the 3x long bow crit from 180 squares away? ride by attack? my favorite: claw/claw/bite/wingbuffet/wingbuffet/taillash, next round breath weapon! OK just messing with you know. Basically this needs to define: What does mimic an attack mean? what action is observing an attack?
Ooh spells copy... more versatile than a pearl of power and even the wizard's arcane lore ability. This has some limits built in, which is a good start. But it effectively doubles the number of fireballs a party has at their disposal.
Again a tight and unique theme, this could go far with the right polish. :)
EDIT: that pun was not intended :(
Wax on, Wax off.
That one was intended :P
Ok my fellow review group - I have just sent a link to your gmail's/emails.
I am in horrible word trouble for Wayfinder 10 on my mini encounter submission idea. It looks like it will become close to 1750-2000 words, so let's just say 500 too many.
I may be trying to be too clever or include too much, so I am asking you all to have a look when you get some time. Its a very rough draft, but I think there is sufficient detail for you to see what I am trying and what the problems are (too many words for one >.<)
Google doc's for you google doc lovers of google doc in line comments, so fire away at it.
I've reached that stage where I may have to admit that it is too much for what I am attempting and review and submit something else instead while I still have time.
urgh, word counts.
HAH!
I was really trying to hold this back but...MinWax or Turtlewax?
I get exactly what you mean about all the different types of physical attacks. I would need to add a size/BAB restrictive sentence. I've only got ~60 words I can play with at this point on that...and I can't cut the class abilities since I need to have Spellcraft (to be able to identify a spell's level) and it can get really long trying to account for possibilities (like in the spell duplication ability). Hmm...how about something like:
Unbroken Surface (Ex): At 1st level, a Monk of the Reflecting Pool gains the ability to mimic any physical attack made by a creature that he sees. He must observe the attack and mimic it before the end of his next turn or he loses the memory of the attack and must observe a new one. If the attack is made using a weapon he gains proficiency with that weapon when he mimics that attack. The Monk of the Reflecting Pool must meet any physical, size, or BAB prerequisites to mimic the attack. This replaces Stunning Fist."?
I'm thinking maybe I should go back to 2 additional ki points per 2 spell levels after 2nd. OR!!! I briefly toyed with 1 ki point for 0- and 1st-level spells and 1 additional ki point for every spell level thereafter. How would that be?
I have always wanted Monks to have some sort of spellcasting option, and I've always wanted to recreate GoGo from FFVI.
Thanks for the critique!
Monk of the Reflecting Pool (Monk)
You can tighten up the wording a little: For example, "The Monk of the Reflecting Pool has trained through meditation on movement and form at the countless pools of water found in Sevenarches." could be "The Monk of the Reflecting Pool trains through meditation on movement and form at the countless pools of water found in Sevenarches" or even just "...meditates on movement and form..."
There should be a space between Knowledge and (history). Also, I'm not sure those skill tradeoffs are balanced. Spellcraft and UMD seem much more useful than K(h) and certainly Profession.
Curaigh's point about mimic is a good one, I think. I'm not sure what that means as a GM. I also might make it something where he can do it for half his monk levels. Stunning fist is one of the most powerful monk abilities, IMO, so I think I'd want a little more to replace it.
"Stone-Broken Surface(Ex)" needs a space between surface and (Ex). I like the idea of the power, but considering Improved Disarm is already on the list of bonus feats, I'm not sure it quite works. Maybe the fact that it can be treated as a monk weapon (oh, and monk should be lowercase there, I believe) can be enough. That said, as read, that weapon can be treated as a monk weapon forever. Not sure that's what you intend. (Though I kind of like the idea if it's that specific weapon.)
I like pattern in the ripples, though I can see concerns about the power level. Still, a really cool and versatile power. I wonder if it should only be able to reproduce opponents' spells/SLAs? Might make it a little less overpowered. Otherwise, as noted, you're double heals and fireballs and everything else your companions are doing. Also, looks like ki pool should be lowercase. I think ki should be italicized too, though honestly the monk entry seems to go back and forth on it. They seem to be italicized in Ultimate Equipment, though.
Thanks for the critique!
I struggle with the opening description, I want to be flavorful but I really find myself needing to be a bit more spartan.
I think I would drop off UMD and just keep Spellcraft for those K(h) and Profession.
Point taken on mimic :) Hmmmm...I really need to figure out a way reproduce a physical attack but make it clear how it works in game mechanics.
Yep, on Stone-Broken Surface the intention was to treat that weapon as a monk weapon UNTIL they used the ability again to gain another weapon. Definitely need to make that clear.
Pattern in the Ripples is the big draw power...so I want it to be very nice (also considering that you are giving up Stunning Fist for the earlier ability AND a lot of the ways that you can spend you ki). But I went back and forth on limiting it to just enemies. But when I thought about the class and its description...it just didn't make sense to me to limit it that way. Maybe if I made it a 3/4 spell level progression that they can reproduce (instead of half which I'm particularly a fan of but it could be better balance wise) it would help with the power factor.
I was going to ask about the italicizing of ki when I put it here but I wanted to see if anyone else caught it. I guess the general rule is to defer to the latest book for style if it changes from Core/APG/etc.
Thanks again!
Point taken on mimic :) Hmmmm...I really need to figure out a way reproduce a physical attack but make it clear how it works in game mechanics.
What makes up a physical attack? 1d20 + bab + ability score + feats + magic + etc..
Pick one or two of those and let it modify or replace the monk's (maybe with whichever is higher). You are pretty sold on the weapon proficiency I think (empty-handed disarm anyone?) so play with feats or CMB :)
Great idea Curaigh!
But I also want to make sure that natural attacks for monsters are accounted for...don't want it to be useless out in nature. :)
I like playing with the BAB and feats. I'd probably go with that. That'd include monsters too. And definitely a neat area to play with, even if it would maybe be a touch cooler if they had a lower progression.
Hey all - I know I'm quiet at the moment.
I am fighting with my next Wayfinder 10 submission, so I thought you all deserved a progress update and a look see into the pain of much larger submissions than an item...
I finished typing up my draft notes into the adventure flow - this basically templates the adventure as follows
Very succinct and short adventure intro lead in - done.
Adventure background - done today - yay!
Encounter 1 of 3 - Setting up the players - done today - get in!
Encounter 2 of 3 - Getting to the main encounter - still in note form
Encounter 3 of 3 - The main encounter - still in note form
Map notes for a cartographer - in draft
Encounter special environments and conditions - in draft
Stat blocks and references to the Bestiaries - to do
Concluding the adventure - in draft but can be cut somewhat with recent feedback.
Design notes for reviewers - adding these for interest only to the reviewers - a sample so you can see how I am trying to improve my naming skills...
Pairi-daêza – An Avestan word for garden that literally means “having walls built around”, so I used it as the Genie’s name, the bottle prison in which he resides being his walls.
Karkadann al-Rāzī – Karkadann is from Persian Mythology, meaning “Lord of the Desert”. I am using it for the mage’s name, so that if anyone researches the name, they may discover the reference to the mage’s desire. The second part, al-Rāzī, was the surname of one of my father’s colleagues when he worked as a steel erector in Saudi many years ago.
Now the pain. Articles should be 1500 words or less - umm, I am so over word count it is scary and these are draft notes, not final text >.<
That said, my draft notes contain a lot of self to do items, so can be reduced somewhat.
The original cut first shared came out at over 2,300 words. Owch.
I have now finalized the intro, background, the introductory encounter and the word count has dropped to 1909 - but there is more good news - 21 words are notes to the reviewer, 96 words are design notes for reviewing use, and about 120 words or so will describe the map for cartography purposes. - so 1909 minus 237 words is 1672 words.
I only hope design, reviewer and map instructions do not count for word count as I am close now to coming in under the 1500 wire and am confident all of a sudden that my target is now achievable...
Many thanks for all the feedback so far - progress has been updated to google docs for my reviewers to visit and bring their red pens :)
The funny thing is, I have found out how hard encounter writing is and some - and my admiration for the contestants that get to do that in like 3 days has sky rocketed even further. My god those later rounds are so much more scary than they look, so do practice them all if you can.
More "progress"
Short adventure intro lead in - done.
Adventure background - done.
Encounter 1 of 3 - Setting up the players - done.
Encounter 2 of 3 - Getting to the main encounter - done today.
Encounter 3 of 3 - The main encounter - still in note form
Map notes for a cartographer - done today.
Encounter special environments and conditions - in draft
Stat blocks and references to the Bestiaries - to do
Concluding the adventure - in draft but cut down
PC Rewards - in draft.
Word count now below the 2k margin, still lots of work to get it down more though. 1941 words and dropping (I hope)
*brandishes word-axe*
More "progress" - been a bit of a power creating weekend of word smithing >.<
bad news, words tally has increased a lot - due to my inexperience of stat blocks, so I suspect I have added a lot of un-neccessary words. Fingers crossed my reviewers have sharp eyes and knives.
The adventure is close to 80% into editing/reviewing draft now, a lot of the rough notes are starting to disappear...
Adventure lead in - done.
Adventure background - done.
Encounter 1 - done.
Encounter 2 - done.
Encounter 3 - The main encounter - 50% formalized
Map notes for a cartographer - done.
Encounter special rules - 50% formalized
Stat blocks and references to the Bestiaries - first cut done.
Concluding the adventure - in draft but cut down
PC Rewards - first cut done.
Word count now 2300 >.< - but I think it's because of adding the mega stat block for the main protagonist.
On the plus side, the first formal draft is almost done :) Then it's just review, edit, review, edit, etc.
Just had a thought on that mimic of attack.
You said later that you can disarm and then next round mimic the attack, and that it counts as a monk weapon.
Looking back at the original ability, it stated that you only get proficiency for the one attack and did not say it becomes a monk weapon.
The treating as a monk weapon was brought in at the next ability.
My point of confusion is that interpretation of the first ability being that you gain proficiency for one attack only which means I could not flurry as the mimic only lasts for one (first) attack?
This could cause confusion at the table, so in your edit, please make sure it is very clear if you can mimic with all your attacks or just the one attack as this precludes or excludes being able to flurry with the Big Ass Orc's GreatAxe - handful of d12 damage anyone? (and don't even think about critting in the flurry more than once with it) >.<
Sorry for the brain delay on mentioning that thought.
Oh yeah, one last one...
I see an attack with a bow or crossbow - ummm, what do I do for ammunition when I disarm(snatch) the weapon to mimic? ( change the word physical to melee should fix this real nice :) )
And, can you disarm as part of an AoO - and if you can, what if you already had already disarmed on your turn in order to mimic on your next go, can you choose or is only the disarm on your turn able to benefit from the ability?
Actually mimicking with a weapon would not work as written:
R1: opponent strikes with sword.
R1: monk disarms opponent.
R2: opponent draws back-up dagger & attacks.
R2: monk mimics... back-up dagger...?
AoO would be an exception, but most opponents know how to avoid an AoO.
One possible fix might be to study an opponent before the monk could mimic.
Been to crazy to rewrite but I am planning to still!
Quick responses:
Anthony...dang you're right! :)
Curaigh - I left the wording of Unbroken Surface such that the attack doesn't have to be made against the Monk of the Reflecting Pool. But I see another problem where he would have to spend an action to use the ability, then would need to disarm. In that case they've lost the memory of the attack. I think I'd need to make this an automatic ability or maybe a free action (so it can happen at any time)...hmmm...food to chew on.
OK, I've procrastinated enough on this one. Here's my attempt to stat up my beloved squonk, a wonderful creature from the Pennsylvania woodlands. I think this is just such a great beast, and I'm sort of tempted to not post it, but it's really not offensive enough to be a good monster/adversary for the PCs (at least not how I imagine it). That said, I think you could have a fun, low-level adventure centered around a squonk hunt.
Monsters are I think by far my biggest weakness as a designer and one I really want to work on so any feedback is much appreciated.
With a large snout and ill-fitting skin covered with warts and other blemishes, this small quadruped is more ugly than fearsome, tears leaking from its eyes as it sobs uncontrollably.
Squonk CR 2
XP 600
N Small magical beast
Init +2; Senses darkvision 60 ft., low-light vision, scent; Perception +6
Aura miserable pity (30 ft., DC 10)
----- Defense -----
AC 15, touch 13, flat-footed 13 (+2 Dex, +2 natural, +1 size)
hp 16 (3d10)
Fort +3, Ref +5, Will +1
Defensive Abilities Dissolve
----- Offense -----
Speed 30 ft.
Melee bite +5 (1d4-2), 2 claws +5 (1d3-2)
----- Statistics -----
Str 6, Dex 14, Con 10, Int 15, Wis 9, Cha 7
Base Atk +3; CMB +1; CMD 9
Feats Alertness, Weapon Finesse
Skills Climb +11, Perception +6, Stealth +7, Swim +3; Racial Modifiers +8 Climb
Languages Common (cannot speak)
SQ mutagenic boost
----- Ecology -----
Environment temperate forests
Organization solitary
Treasure standard
----- Special Abilities -----
Dissolve (Su) As a move action, a squonk can dissolve into a pool of tears. In this form, the squonk loses its attacks but becomes immune to all physical attacks, including force effects, as well as bleed, disease, paralysis, petrification and poison. Any poison or disease that may have been effecting the squonk is cured when it resumes its normal form. Its speed is reduced to 15 ft. though it also gains a swim speed of 15 ft. It does not need to eat, drink or breath in liquid form and may remain dissolved indefinitely. It can resume its normal form as a move action.
Mutagenic Boost (Su) A squonk can boost its physical abilities as if it had taken an alchemist's mutagen, giving it a +2 natural armor bonus, +4 alchemical bonus to Strength and a -2 penalty to Intelligence, for 20 minutes a day. This ability does not all need to be used at once, though must be used in one-minute increments.
Filled with self-loathing, squonks spend most of their time hiding and weeping in their native Arcadian woods.
A reclusive herbivore, squonks would likely have remained little more than folk tales brought back to Avistan were it not for the discovery that their tears possess powerful alchemical properties. (Squonk tears enhance the stability of any formula they're added to, dropping the DC to craft an alchemical item by 2; however they must be fresh, losing their effectiveness 1 minute after being shed).
Hunters, sent to capture and return the elusive creatures to civilization, are stymied by the squonk's homely visage and pathetic sobs, which elicits such pity that many are unable to bring themselves to cause the beasts any further grief. Those who can overcome their feelings of sympathy, find the squonk nigh-impossible to hold onto thanks to their natural ability to dissolve into a pool of tears.
Squonks prefer not to fight, doing all they can to keep away from other creatures, though their difficulty at not crying at their own misfortune sometimes hampers their efforts. If cornered, they can get a burst of strength, which makes their claws and teeth something to be wary of.
Squonks are rare in part due to their desire not to even spend time with others of their species. Mates unite only to produce one or two children at a time, which are sent out on their own as soon as they are capable of providing for themselves.
I will say now, I read the name of the creature and immediately conjured the overly timid creature that used to travel with Johnny Alpha in 2000AD comic's Strontium Dog stories. Can't quite recall the name, but its close to that and if you scared them, they could literally die of fright.
Ohhh , mutagen usage, will read this in more detail tonight :)
Quick feedback - because you do it to me and I want to show I'm learning
"warts and other blemishes"
remove the word "other" :P
For the lurkers... who may be wondering why I suggest this change.
By using the word other - I immediately start to think what are the other blemishes, are they wounds, scabs, etc. My attention has been pulled to the blemishes.
By omitting the word other - you have a more neutral description (in my mind anyway), which doesn't pull focus to the blemishes - and you save a word for use elsewhere ;)
I'm originally from the farmlands of Ohio and we have something similar to this...or maybe my PA friends have just told me this tale before :)
I love auras and this is a SPOT ON match. Well done.
Is it a primarily nocturnal creature? Is that why darkvision and low-light vision? Scent I understand...
Init seems off for a creature that is not inclined to fight...Perhaps Weapon Finesse for Improved Init? The normal scenario I would envision for this creature doesn't actually involve combat.
The DC for the aura might be off a bit? Is it Int based of Cha based? If using as the spell then it would be Int based, but in this manner it would make more sense to be Cha based...in which case I can understand the low DC. The only other CR2 creature with an aura from Bestiary that I could find is the Lantern Archon...which is DC13.
Dissolve - Very very cool and evocative...BUT. It is a move action to activate...does it provoke? How many times per day? If it is infinite as the wording seems to suggest...then this will almost ALWAYS lead to frustrating encounters for players. Does it gain the ability to move through earth as well? If it doesn't, what happens when it dissolves into soft earth? Does it get absorbed? I really love this ability...more so in fact than the mutagenic boost.
***EDIT***
Also, why don't force effects work on the puddle of tears? Thought that was odd...
Speaking of which...mutagenic boost. I don't like the name so much...maybe something like Cornered Strength or some such. You already mention that it works like an alchemist's mutagen so I think the name should be much more indicative about how it is something that happens when cornered and frightened.
Also HOORAY for making the tears an alchemical item! I love monsters that have something natural on them used in alchemical processes.
Ecology was fun. I like this description but there are a couple lines that look like you just felt you needed something and forced it a bit.
Well done overall!
Nive Jacob,
What is miserable pity? I think the ecology kind of covers this ability, but is never called out. Also I think a mutegenic burst would be helpful if it affected this, but I am guessing it would actually hurt it (int based?). Improved ini is good for a creature that wants to run more than fight.
I have to admit this is a weak point of mine as well, but the formatting looks spot on. I think you are right, this is not the best option for superstar, but outside of that, I think this is a very cool and innovative critter. :) Mayhaps the Emerald Crested Squonk would be more formidable?
Miserable pity is actually a spell Curaigh.
Miserable pity. I had to search the PRD for it, then it really tied the theme together for me.
Thanks for the quick responses, all. I've got another idea that I think I'll stat up hopefully later this week, plus doing rewrites of the squonk.
Anthony, I'll actually probably keep "other" because otherwise it sort of indicates warts aren't blemishes. Maybe I'll see if I can write around it, though.
The senses (low-light and darkvision) are based on what all magical beasts have. I'm not experienced enough as a monster designer to know whether I can just strip those out -- or if I have to call it out as a purposeful omission if I do (I could include it in weaknesses, I guess) -- so I left 'em in.
I'm glad you liked the aura, which as you note is based on a spell. I wasn't quite clear, but it looks like in such instances, they're not called out any farther than I did. I think maybe in rewrite I'll give the aura a specific name and then call out that it acts similarly to the spell (perhaps tweaking it a little?). Then I can call out that the DC is in fact Charisma-based.
You're right about dissolve. I'll work on that. I didn't think force effects would really have any effect on a pool of liquid, which is why excluded it. It would effectively be the same as hitting it with a weapon or other physical object, no? And can definitely tweak the mutagenic boost's powers, which I agree isn't really fitting. Maybe something like desperation surge....
I'll take another look at the ecology. That was indeed a last-minute add when I realized I was fairly short on words and wanted to pad it out, but was already set to post all the mechanics.
I'm not certain either if it's OK or not to take away those abilities from magical beasts. I wonder if we can get Sean or someone to chime in on whether or not that *could* be superstar. I have a feeling that if it is conducive to the animal's presence and story, then it is a good choice.
Force effects have effect on incorporeals so I wonder why it wouldn't hit a puddle of water and displace it in a great area. Just a question on my part...I don't know the answer!
But overall, again, great job! A monster that encourages puzzle solving vs. combat all while having great storytelling premise is no mean feat!
I know Neil's read the Blazing 9 threads in the past. Maybe saying his name three times will summon him? Spicer, Spicer, Spicer.
That said, I don't think taking them away is really Superstar; I'm more just curious whether it is a valid design choice and/or how/if it should be called out in a statblock. Humanoids (and oozes, though those are a special case) are the only creature type that don't automatically have darkvision/low-light vision. Anyone want to search the Bestiaries to see if there are any examples of non-humanoids without the improved visions?
I know Neil's read the Blazing 9 threads in the past. Maybe saying his name three times will summon him? Spicer, Spicer, Spicer.
And just like Beetlejuice, here I am! ;-)
...I don't think taking them away is really Superstar...
It generally wouldn't be seen as exceptionally Superstar for omitting them. If anything, the judges would likely wonder why your magical beast doesn't include those standard abilities. They'd then assess whether or not you've chosen the right creature type to define your concept. If you really want to stand out with regards to this choice, you should consider giving it some other "sight" or sensing ability as a special ability you have define. Then, in that special ability's description, you can explain how that sense replaces the standard darkvision and low-light vision of a magical beast. That would at least demonstrate that you know what you're doing in terms of assessing a creature's abilities in your designs. Whether or not it's an appropriate design for your creature concept would depend on the special sensing ability you replaced it with...
I'm more just curious whether it is a valid design choice and/or how/if it should be called out in a statblock.
It can be. I seem to recall some other creatures (not sure which off the top of my head) which have deviated in the method I described above. It's usually some new sensing ability which replaces the standard ones for a particular creature type. And, though the official stat-block might not have called it out as replacing the baseline senses, for the purposes of RPG Superstar, you'd still be wise to do so, because it highlights what you're doing for the judges and the voting public.
My two cents,
--Neil
P.S. In my opinion, there are actually a handful of other issues weighing down this creature design. And none of them concern the inclusion or exclusion of darkvision and low-light vision.