RPG Superstar 2012 Top 8
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Dedicated Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
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Please read this information about playtesting these encounters. We've also added hyperlinks from the encounter's short stat blocks to the full stat blocks in the PRD so you have the information you need to run the encounter.
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Wealth is the pride of Druma, and the Prophets of Kalistrade spare no expense to safeguard it. Their infamous Mercenary League is notoriously well funded, to the point that the League’s annual Weapons Exposition has become a national holiday. Mages and metalworkers alike travel from the far reaches of Avistan and beyond to the proving grounds outside of Kerse. There they are ensconced in an estate on the west bank of Profit’s Flow called the Sequestered Palace Sumptuous while they compete for the lucrative contracts to supply the Mercenary League’s equipment.
The Sequestered Palace is a lavish, sprawling, walled compound, with amenities from a gladiatorial arena, artillery range and menagerie of beasts, to a mansion house, manicured gardens with magical climate control, and luxurious bath house. All of its features are named in the usual Druman fashion-- flowery, sanctimonious, and painfully literal. A small army of skilled workers tend to the grounds year round, keeping the beasts of the Menagerie and plants of the Deadly Garden fed, the topiary representing notable failures from the Arena in the Garden of Elusive Success trimmed, and ensuring the magical climate controls on the Gardens of Four Seasons remain in place. This opulence puts a pleasant mask over the reality that the guests are essentially prisoners. For the duration of the Exposition, the Sequestered Palace grounds are completely sealed. No visitors are allowed, and teleportation into and out of the compound is magically blocked. Even with these restrictions, the Mercenary League is an ideal customer and each year hopeful craftsmen and merchants flock to Kerse to claim a place in the Sequestered Palace and a chance to show off their goods in the Exposition. At the end of two weeks, those lucky few who impress the Mercenary League with their craft and the Prophets with their business acumen are invited to the gold-roofed Signatory Tower to work out the details of their contracts before the seals on the compound are broken.
Adventurers often make an effort to attend the Mercenary League Exposition in search of rare or prototype magical equipment. Most are turned away at the gates, and return to Kerse to await the end of the Exposition, when the Sequestered Palace reopens its gates to release the disheartened merchants unable to make a deal with the Prophets of Kalistrade. Actually gaining entrance to the Sequestered Palace, either by reputation or connections, is a sure sign that an adventurer’s star is on the rise.
Members of a cult of Droskar have infiltrated the Sequestered Palace staff and released a number of monsters from the menagerie in order to create diversions while the cultists kidnap smiths and mages, with the ultimate goal to copy and resell their designs. To prevent the PCs from interfering, and possibly shift some suspicion to them, the cultists have arranged for the PCs to receive letters asking them to come to the Bath Opulent to discuss vague “important matters” at the time scheduled for the planned kidnappings.
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The bathhouse can be entered either by the front door, or by one of the side doors from the deck. All of the doors in the bathhouse slide aside easily on their tracks, and none of the doors are locked. The deck was designed to be accessible only from the bath, and reaching it from ground level or wading in the pond requires a DC 15 Climb check. The deck is bordered by a low, decorative, darkwood railing carved in the shape of leaping carp. There is an outdoor bath, heated from a smaller water tank concealed in the supply room behind the dressing room in area A4. The dressing room in A4 is a shambles; towels, robes, soap, wooden buckets and paper screens are strewn across the floor haphazardly.
In A3, the bath itself is in the shape of a five-sided gem recessed from the floor level. It is two feet deep and continually refilled with hot water from shining copper pipes held aloft by two humanoid statues. The pipes, the majority of which are concealed under the floor, lead to a large copper water tank in the corner of the room. The room is currently a sauna, as the goblins damaged the water tank looking for a fire source. Much to the goblins’ disappointment, the water in this tank is heated by magic rather than a fire.
Creatures: Several goblins and an Orge (or at tier 6-7, a Troll) were among the monsters released from the menagerie. After arming themselves from the arena’s armory, they made their way north past the arena and deadly garden toward the palace, but stopped when they reached the bathhouse first. The larger creature is relaxing in the bath, grudgingly tolerating the goblins’ mischief in the other areas. In the short time they’ve been inside the bath house, they have piled up the wooden benches that lined the hallway and dressing room into a four foot high barricade and are standing in the soapy water at location A2, attempting to light the barricade on fire using an everburning candle dislodged from one of the chandeliers. The Goblins react to the PCs intrusion with glee, hanging back in the hallway behind their furniture barricade to shoot arrows at the PCs. If outflanked or facing superior ranged opponents, the goblins retreat to the dressing room in area A4. Goblins that retreat successfully hide in the great darkwood wardrobe and prepare to attack anyone who opens the doors.
An Ogre (or, for tier 6-7, a Troll) is relaxing in a steaming bath in room A3. Any loud noises from the hallway annoy it to the point that it crashes through the glass partition to attack one round later. A PC in the hallway (A1 or A2) who succeeds at a DC 20 Perception check notices a large, dark shape looming on the other side of the glass one round before the monster crashes through. The Ogre (or Troll) will smash one 5 foot pane and try to attack using partial cover and concealment from the steam in the room. Each 5 foot section of the glass partition has hardness 1 and 2 hp and takes damage independent from any adjacent panes.
Low Tier (CR 4)
Goblins (3) CR ⅓ LINK
XP 135 each
hp 4 each (Bestiary 156)
Ogre CR 3 LINK
XP 800
hp 30 (Bestiary 220)
High Tier (CR 7)
Goblin Commandos (3) CR 1 (see spoiler below)
XP 400 each
hp 10 each (Burnt Offerings 13)
Goblin Warchanter CR 1 (see spoiler below)
XP 400
hp 7 (Burnt Offerings 12)
Troll CR 5 LINK
XP 1600
hp 65 (Bestiary 268)
Hazards: A DC 25 Perception check allows a PC to detect that the goblins have spilled soapy water on a 10 foot square of glossy marble floor just behind the barricade. A creature moving through the soapy area must make a DC 15 Acrobatics check or fall prone. This applies to the goblins as well should they attempt to retreat from the barricade.
The goblins damaged the large hot water tank while looking for a fire source, and it is venting steam that fills area A3 and provides concealment like the spell obscuring mist.
Development: Other monsters escaped the menagerie as well, and once the alarm is raised in the compound, several units of Blackjackets are deployed to contain the threats. A squad of black-coated mercenaries arrives at the bathhouse soon after the fight. They treat the PCs with suspicion, but don’t become aggressive unless attacked first. Should any monsters survive the battle, they are unaware of the circumstances of their release from the menagerie-- all they know is that the gates to their cells were all unlocked.
The Blackjacket captain begins to survey and tally up the damages to the bath house, insisting the PCs will be held responsible for the astronomical total. Before the inevitable argument can get far, a Prophet of Kalistrade arrives and intercedes, holding up one white gloved hand. At this gesture the mercenaries immediately fall silent, and the Prophet calmly makes the party an offer; Aid in the investigation, and not only will the damages be forgiven, but the PCs will also earn a substantial cash reward... and the gratitude of Kerse.
Note: This is in 3.5 stat block format, not Pathfinder stat block format.
Goblin Commando CR 1
Goblin ranger
NE Small humanoid
Init +3 ; Senses darkvision 60 ft.; Listen +5 , Spot +5
DEFENSE
AC 15, touch 12 , flat-footed 12 (+3 armor, +3 Dex, –2 rage, +1 size)
hp 10 (1 d8+2)
Fort + 4, Ref +5 , Will +2
OFFENSE
Spd 30 ft.
Melee mwk horsechopper +3 (1 d8+2/x3 )
Ranged shortbow +5 (1 d4 /x3 ) or
shortbow +1 (1d4/x3, mounted)
Special Attacks favored enemy +2 (animal)
TACTICS
Base Statistics Once the goblin commando’s potion of rage expires, his stats change as follows:
AC 17, touch 14, fl at-footed 14
hp 9 (1d8+1)
Fort +3, Ref +5, Will +1
Melee mwk horsechoper +2 (1d8+1/×3)
Str 12, Con 13
STATISTICS
Str 14 , Dex 17 , Con 15 , Int 8, Wis 12 , Cha 8
Base Atk + 1; Grp –2
Feats Mounted Combat, Track
Skills Handle Animal +3 , Listen +5 , Move Silently +7, Ride +11 ,
Spot +5 , Survival +5
Languages Common, Goblin
SQ wild empathy +0
Combat Gear potion of rage (already used); Other Gear studded leather,
masterwork horsechopper, small wooden shield, shortbow with 20 arrows
Note: This is in 3.5 stat block format, not Pathfinder stat block format.
Goblin Warchanter CR 1
Female goblin bard (MM )
NE Small humanoid
Init +3 ; Senses darkvision 60 ft.; Listen +4 , Spot +1
DEFENSE
AC 17, touch 14 , flat-footed 14 (+3 armor, +3 Dex, +1 size)
hp 7 (1 6d+1 )
Fort +1 , Ref +5 , Will +3 ; +1 vs fear/charm
OFFENSE
Spd 30 ft.
Melee whip +1 ( 1d2 nonlethal) or
dogslicer +1 (1d4/19–20)
Ranged shortbow +5 (1 d4 +1 /x3 )
Spells Known (CL 1 st)
0 (2/day)—daze (DC 11), ghost sound (DC 11), mage hand, message
STATISTICS
Str 8, Dex 16 , Con 13 , Int 8, Wis 12 , Cha 13
Base Atk +0; Grp –5
Feats Combat Reflexes, Exotic Weapon Proficiency (whip)
Skills Concentration +5 , Jump +3 , Listen +4 ,
Move Silently +7, Perform (song) +5 , Ride +7, Tumble +7
Languages Common, Goblin
SQ bardic knowledge +0, bardic music 1/day (countersong, fascinate, inspire courage + )
Combat Gear potion of cure light wounds; Other Gear studded leather, whip, short sword, shortbow with arrows, gp
Nice looking map reference sketch, I like the overall design, including a pull out detail of the baths is a cool idea. I would assume that the gardens that are somewhat obscured by this detail are not as important so it works as a design.
I do think that the map feels a bit crowded, especially the Legend/Key, this will provide a bit of a challenge to make it all look organized in the final product.
I would prefer the use of more standard symbols for the doors, they are a little hard to see at first. Nice work!
Welcome to the Top 8, Sam. You've really come on strong this year. And now you've found your way into a unique position. From here, you've got a major opportunity to really impress a lot of folks and secure yourself some bonafide freelancing opportunities, not just with Paizo but other third-party publishers, as well. The trick lies in putting forth your best work. Show us you belong.
So, with that in mind, I've made a point of really combing through everyone's designs this go-around. You should have learned a lot of lessons up to this point. Now, we need to see how well you've incorporated them and how well you've learned to apply them. In fact, encounter design is the primary precursor to adventure design. It incorporates your storytelling ability, your map-making ability, your stat-block ability, and rolls up enough other elements of game design skills that it really starts to bring it altogether. So, let's go through it and see what you've given us...
- The Sequestered Palace Sumptuous? The Bath Opulent? Weapons Exposition? Garden of Elusive Success? Gardens of Four Seasons? These seem like uninspired, bluntly literal names. Presumably, you were establishing this as a way to define the naming conventions of Druma. But they feel oddly out of place for me. I'm not an expert on Druma by any means, but I don't recall any precedent for this naming style. It felt "flat" somehow, but maybe that's just me? It came off kind of less imaginative than I'd have liked and doesn't really showcase your creative writing talent. Regardless, you were consistent with it. So, you stuck to the theme once you established it. I'm just not sure it showcases enough of an evocative writing style for Round 4 of RPG Superstar to win you very many votes. Attention to detail and your devotion to a given theme, however? Certainly.
- Colorful map, but a little confusing. I found it hard to locate the doors all that easily. Reading through the text, I eventually realized they were sliding panel doors, so that makes some sense behind how you rendered them. But, I think you could use the normal door symbology for your map and then just explain the nature of the doors in the writeup itself.
- You use a lot of passive voice and forms of the verb "to be" in here. I don't recall seeing that as much in your earlier designs, but it makes your writing come off weaker and less evocative because of it.
- I was also put off a bit from the notion that Druma maintains an arena, that notable failures in the arena are somehow represented in the topiaries of the garden, that they keep sentient monstrous humanoids as part of their menagerie, and that visitors to the Weapons Exposition effectively become prisoners until the Prophets favor someone with a new trade deal at the Signatory Tower. I just don't recall any representation of Druma that presents them in quite that fashion. Eccentric, certainly. But not malicious or exceedingly vidictive in such a way. They're a LN nation of incredibly wealthy traders and capable peacebrokers. Thus, that image and how you've presented the Sequestered Palace Sumptuous just clashes for me. This feels more like a case of you adding to the campaign setting (or interpreting it) in a way that's not as supportive or appropriate as it should be. And that's a skill a Superstar freelancer needs to learn and incorporate so they can help their publisher market and enhance their branded IP.
- Then, we get into the reason for this encounter: that agents of Droskar's faith have infiltrated the palace with the intention of abducting various craftsmen (both mundane and magical) to steal away their secrets. Okay. Involving a dwarven faith like Droskar makes some sense, given Druma's history with the dwarven kingdoms. And they're using the Exposition as a hunting ground because it already draws some of the most talented craftsmen from all around Golarion. I get that. And it seems plausible. However...
- "The cultists have arranged for the PCs to receive letters asking them to come to the Bath Opulent to discuss vague 'important matters' at the time scheduled for the planned kidnappings." This has got to be one of the most uninspired, handwaving setups I've read in awhile. Vague, important matters? What part of that statement could ever possibly come across as Superstar? You couldn't spare a few words to explain the actual ruse they're using? Or were you leaving that entirely up to GM discretion? This is a big no-no. You can't leave GMs hanging like that. We actually need to understand enough of the story behind this encounter's premise so GMs can accurately present it to the players and their PCs. And, it needs to be plausible enough that it's realistic, entertaining, and serves the underlying story. I didn't feel like you did enough here to sell the encounter's premise. And that's a big misstep as it's a vital element not just to encounter design, but adventure design, as well.
- The description of the bathhouse comes off more like something I'd expect to read from Tian Xia. You have a koi pond and sliding doors with thin panes. Does a bathhouse in Druma have to duplicate that? I'd have liked to see something unique or culturally different about it. Or, if you're going to have it resemble something out of Tian Xia, explain that the merchants spared no expense and specifically designed it to replicate a bathhouse out of Minkai or something.
- From the map, I couldn't really tell where you entered the bathhouse. You spend some time telling us about A4 and then switch to A3. When putting together an encounter, you need to be much clearer with your headers to designate location A3 with everything we need to know about it...and then location A4 with the same...and each description of those locations needs to focus on just what's there. First, the physical read-aloud description, then an explanation of any other physical elements that aren't readily apparent but which the GM needs to know about, then any creatures, who they are, why they're there, and how they initially react to the PCs upon their arrival. Later, we should see a stat-block that lays out their actual combat tactics. The way this encounter is written, it doesn't really feel like that's what we've got here. It all comes across as rather disjointed and unpolished.
- Hazards need to come up front along with your Creatures section, not after the stat-block information.
- Typo: "Several goblins and an Orge..." Clearly didn't run a spellcheck.
- I see you got crafty and made a call out to Burnt Offerings to explain your goblin stat-blocks. While the rules for this round don't forbid that, be advised that you'd need to present a full stat-block for the goblin commando and warchanter in a real product. Additionally, you should also have realized Burnt Offereings was written for the 3.5 ruleset, not the Pathfinder RPG. So, you've referenced an invalid stat-block that doesn't work with PCs built from the Pathfinder RPG ruleset who'll be going through this encounter. Yes, PFRPG is ultimately backwards compatible with 3.5 material, but you need to make some adjustments to ensure the proper CR still holds up for your encounters. For you not to recognize that specific product doesn't meet the requirements of designing an encounter for the Pathfinder RPG, tells me you're not well-versed enough yet with Paizo's products and design guidelines. I saw this as a serious misstep.
- You broke my willing suspension of disbelief with the theory that a bunch of goblins and an ogre (or troll at the higher tier) would manage to escape from confinement in a menagerie, arm themselves with weapons from the arena, and then...do we see them go on a rampage and take vengeance upon their captors? No, not really. Instead, the goblins stop off at the bathhouse and get distracted looking for a fire source to explain the heated water. And the ogre/troll decides it'd like to take a nice long soak. I get why you wanted to give some plausible exlanation for why the monsters are in this location. But, it's neither credible, nor inspiring for the purposes of the encounter.
- On top of all that, you keep capitalizing non-game terms like goblin and ogre as proper nouns. That's not how those terms should be presented in a game product.
- Altogether, these are some serious design missteps. At a time when your star was rising and you needed to bring your best stuff, you significantly regressed in your design skills. That includes the overall encounter concept, the map work, the passive writing style, the proper way to reference additional Paizo material, and your presentation within the encounter design template itself.
So, given all that, I have to say I'm really disappointed. I thought you were on a fast track to get to the end-game of the contest. But, with all the missteps in this design, I'm forced to say I DO NOT RECOMMEND this encounter to advance you to the next round. It's possible the voters may view things otherwise. And, for your sake, I hope that's the case.
If it helps, I'll go ahead and call attention to your earlier work for everyone's consideration. Your moonlight flute of the ghost hunter showed some real promise. And your Riders of the Black Steppe really appealed to just about everyone. It had the right mix of creativity and execution. And then, your ravenous gorgewort was one of the most innovative monster designs we've seen in quite sometime. So, there's no doubt you've got talent. If anything, I'm only judging your design for this round with my recommendation here. Not you or your future potential. Because the sky's the limit regardless of the outcome here in the public voting. I think everyone recognizes how much you've accomplished and you should be very proud of it. Best of luck in the voting (and playtesting).
I really dont like that the blowup part of the map obscures the rest of the map. The PCs actually have to get to that building and we dont know how to get there when some of the map is obscured. That might work for the cartographer (and if Rob says it does, I believe him) but it would infuriate me as a purchaser of the product and as the developer. That would get sent back. I appreciate you are trying to maximize space, but that bothered me.
Again, lots of missteps. Not superstar.
Sam, I am really surprised. I have loved many of your submissions this year during the contest. I'm surprised by this entry. Hopefully for your sake the voters think it playtests well and come to a different conclusion.
NOT RECOMMENDED
Sam, welcome to the Top 8!
Your map has a good use of color and the lines are clear, but you're using nonstandard map symbols for doors so it's hard to tell at a glance how the rooms connect--I earlier I referenced this Paizo blog which has links to common fantasy mapping symbols, and doors are usually shown as open (white) rectangles so you can easily spot them. As you've drawn them, it's easy for the cartographer to miss that some of the marks indicate doors rather than walls or windows. I realize these are sliding doors rather than swinging doors, but clarity is important.
The area of soapy water should be indicated on the map.
Good call on using typed text on the map instead of handwritten text (I have some designers with sloppy handwriting, and typing that stuff means I don't have to puzzle out letters and numbers). I think you did yourself a disservice by using so much of the map to show things that are remote from the encounter area (such as the Summer Garden and Menagerie) instead of showing the Bath Opulent, Koi Pond, and whatever building is obscured by the zoomed map of the Bath Opulent. For example, you could have shown those three buildings and had a smaller inset map showing all the other parts of the palace so we'd have a sense of context, and still have a lot of detail on this map for the PCs to explore.
"Orge" is an obvious typo, you really should have caught that with a spell-check. You have a few other errors that you should have caught with some proofreading or a spell-check.
The idea of an ogre or troll soaking in a bath seems really out of character. Breaking all the glass, yes. Polluting the bath, yes. Impaling puny merchants on big jagged shards of broken glass, yes. But taking a bath, not so much.
The DC 15 Acrobatics check for the soapy water is a lot harder than the DC 10 Acrobatics check to move through the area of a grease spell at half speed.
As a concept, I think this is a decent encounter. The goblins have cover. There's a slippery ground obstacle. The ogre/troll will attack from behind while the PCs are trying to deal with the goblins (though I don't know if the ogre is wearing its armor in the bath). Put that together and you have a reasonable encounter that's challenging but not deadly.
Director of Brand Strategy
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Hi Sam, welcome to the top 8! I'm approaching all 8 entries this round as a sample of work for four authors who will have a chance to write a scenario or module that I'll be developing if they progress to the next round. That means I'm looking at how well this location could fit into the world and a larger adventure, how well you've tiered your encounter, how much work would go into getting the map prepped for a cartographer, and how much time I'd need to spend on this developing it for publication. Let's see what we've got!
I'm immediately confused by your title. I think I get what you're going for (The Chapel Perilous, and all that), but it's a weird name construction for an adventure location. I see that you repeat the construction in the specific encounter location name farther down, so now I'm pretty sure my assessment of the overall title was correct, but it still feels like a gimmick.
Before I move on, I'm looking at the map so I have an idea what the text refers to, and I'm overwhelmed. There are a lot of colors here and you label things well, but I'm not sure what's going to be relevant to the encounter and what's not. I assume it's the part telescoped out the show at a 5-ft. scale. If so, why is all the rest of that so much more prominent on the map? If your adventure had a map allotment of 1 page, and there were encounters at multiple labeled buildings elsewhere in the adventure, you wouldn't have enough information on those locations. Alternatively, if the entire adventure takes place in areas A1-A4 then you've spent all this space on the other areas where there isn't anything happening.
I have to say that I am already intrigued by a Druman location and I like the premise of this particular estate--a place where "honored guests" are essentially kept prisoner. But how are they blocking teleportation "magically"? That's a huge area and even the rich practitioners of the Kalistrocracy likely can't afford that sort of thing. Is it really necessary for a location meant for 4th- to 7th-level PCs to have that sort of magical restriction? What 7th-level PC is going to be teleporting in and out of there in the first place?
And I'm not really buying the Droskar connection. They're not really a steal and sell kind of cult. I could, however, see them kidnapping all these craftsmen and then torturing them to toil away until they died, working for the glory of their dark forge master.
Your read-aloud text and setting information are fairly good. Neither trips up on the common pitfalls of using second person or describing anything but the location, so that's a good sign of things to come. I like that you create a justification for why it isn't just as simple as going through the front door to get in. Be aware that whenever you refer to a location in text you need to bold it, so "A1", "A2", "A3", and "A4" should always be in bold face whenever they appear.
In your creatures section, I immediately note that "Orge" is misspelled and incorrectly capitalized (you didn't capitalize goblin, so you obviously know that races don't get capitalized). Pay attention to those details, because they show that you're not reading your work out loud to proofread and aren't doing a spellcheck before submitting it.
Now, moving past easily remedied nitpicks, I like the encounter you've set up here in terms of the story behind what the creatures are doing and how they interact with the PCs. You make good use of the location, with the barricade, glass-punching ogre, and concealment-granting steam. You should mention the hazard at least in passing before the creatures section so the GM knows to look for the full writeup before running the encounter, as it's easy to overlook with stat blocks in between. In all, I really like the encounter and I think it would be a lot of fun to both run and play, especially where you've set up some hazards that the goblins can fall prey to as well, making for some fun goblin hijinx in between their killing.
But the presence of goblins, ogres, and trolls does seem odd to me given the location's backstory. Why does the menagerie have any of those to begin with? They are intelligent civilized humanoids with (admittedly monstrous) cultures, not animals. Perhaps menagerie is the wrong description for where they were being held. In an adventure I was developing, I'd likely change that to being a place where the Blackjackets keep captured targets to test out the magic items that have been brought to market, thus making both unintelligent and intelligent creatures make sense as being held there.
I think you've put together a fun encounter here, one that's defined as much by the location as by the combatants. I RECOMMEND this submission for advancement to the next round, but with the caveat that you need to pay attention to the details and play to your strengths should you make it to the next round. Best of luck in the voting, Sam.
Issues:
Some typos. Inexcusable at this level of the competition.
Names suck. Setup sucks. Ruse to get PCs into bathhouse sucks.
Threat is silly/irrelevant. Why aren't the PCs tangling with the cultists?
Map is way too big/complex for the encounter.
Commentary:
What the hell, dude?
The best idea you have for the 4th round of SuperStar is a fight in a sauna against goblins and ogres?
Who's your target market for this? What customer of Paizo's do you think is going to read a thumbnail description of this and think "I will pay good money for that!"?
You wasted half the words in your submission telling me about stuff that is immaterial - the description of the palace, its history, the details of the event, etc. You want to have a fight in a sauna? Either figure out how to do what Tarantino did in Kill Bill with the fight in the sake house, or go the other direction and fight like the Russian gangsters fight in the sauna in Eastern Promises. Your villains should be cultists, not basic, boring, over-used monsters.
Your fight space should be dramatic with bursts of hot steam, boiling water, fire, bursting pipes, shattering tile & glass, slippery floors, etc. As it is I see a boring space used in a boring way for a pointless encounter.
Recommendation:
I do not recommend that you vote for this designer.
I really appreciated the grudgingly-accepting-of-goblins-antics ogre/troll in the bath. C'mon, they've been cooped up, they did arm themselves. They're not the brightest, there doesn't seem to be any mayhem to cause right now - "it's getting hot in here, let's have a soak/investigate stuff."
Still, it is maybe not so inspired to set all of this location and backstory just to fight goblins/trolls/ogres, no matter the room being interesting.
Inviting the PC's so they don't interfere? Sounds like you got half an idea, and then stumbled, then mashed it together anyway. Advice: if an idea seems forced, drop it and come up with something else.
Looking at the map, I totally thought this was set in Tian Xa. No amount of floridity on Druman account takes Tian Xa away from koi ponds, bamboo groves, sliding panels and seasonal-themed gardens.
Still, I like this. So there. Bath-time!
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Good combat design, but it fell short. I actually like the many obstacles. This gives me an idea of an obstacle intense combat session. Did not understand a DC 25 perception check as isn't that too high? Then once you make that, only an Acrobatics of 15? The map wasn't good. Too cluttered despite what others have said. Too confusing, and no detail. Did not see where the obstacles were even supposed to be. also if goblins soap the floor, why would they fall into their own trap? No vote for this one
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Issues:
Some typos. Inexcusable at this level of the competition.
Names suck. Setup sucks. Ruse to get PCs into bathhouse sucks.
Threat is silly/irrelevant. Why aren't the PCs tangling with the cultists?
Map is way too big/complex for the encounter.
Commentary:
What the hell, dude?
The best idea you have for the 4th round of SuperStar is a fight in a sauna against goblins and ogres?
Who's your target market for this? What customer of Paizo's do you think is going to read a thumbnail description of this and think "I will pay good money for that!"?
You wasted half the words in your submission telling me about stuff that is immaterial - the description of the palace, its history, the details of the event, etc. You want to have a fight in a sauna? Either figure out how to do what Tarantino did in Kill Bill with the fight in the sake house, or go the other direction and fight like the Russian gangsters fight in the sauna in Eastern Promises. Your villains should be cultists, not basic, boring, over-used monsters.
Your fight space should be dramatic with bursts of hot steam, boiling water, fire, bursting pipes, shattering tile & glass, slippery floors, etc. As it is I see a boring space used in a boring way for a pointless encounter.
Recommendation:
I do not recommend that you vote for this designer.
This guy needs some decaf. The encounter is not perfect, but it is better than this guy is giving you credit for. I like it. You get a vote from me.
The map is a little confusing with the enlarged bit covering an area that the GM might need to use in the lead up to the encounter.
I actually like the idea of an ogre in a bath (although I'm not so sure about a troll), and goblins trying to find the source of the fire.
A bit too much backstory, but at least it is something that the players can find out about in the lead up to the adventure.
While Mr Dancey is a tad bit harsh I think I must echo his sentiments. I voted for each of your submissions so far and thought each of them as the top of the pack. I expected you to sweep cleanly to RPG Superstar based on what you showed us already.
Then this:
The league is fantastically well funded and has a menagerie amid splendid gradens and the menagerie holds goblins and an ogre/troll - some of the most unesthaetic and boring creatures imaginable?!
The ogre/troll has escaped its prison only to take a bath?!
What about the guards of the palace, won't they be able to easily cope with a few goblins and an ogre/troll?!
The PCs are lured to the very area where the cultists do NOT want to have them and it ends up with them being railroaded to work for the cultists opposition?!
This whole setting feels like it is way over the head of 4-7th level PCs and that only the scraps are left for them to fight and this also only as a trap. My group would hate that!
This feels like you had an encounter thought out, but then had to scrap it at the last moment to integrate some of the miniatures, or the CR or something. The idea of the palace is interesting, but everything else just falls flat.
Especially the ogre or troll taking a bath. They don't seem the sort to take a bath ever. I mean like, get a second will save to want to take a bath if charmed sort of never. And this one gets upset you're disturbing it's bath? What were you originally planning here, an piscodaemon or succubus or something?
Sam,
You're the Tian-Xa dude of this year's RPGSS. Your Riders of the Black Steppe made me go out and buy the Dragon Empires Gazetteer and read it cover to cover.
So why is this obviously Asian inspired encounter not set in Chu Ye with the ogre miniatures as Oni who are the oppressive slave masters of the bath house?
I first thought you were setting annother thing in an Asian setting. These names have the structure of and sound like litteral translations of Oriental names. I hate that.
The premise for this encounter is very forced. Why do the PCs go to this meeting? What if they are doing something else beforehand, like visiting one of these places you outline? What if one player doesn't care about discussing "important things"? I have players who would kill someone just for trying to be that vague.
Next, the encounter: why are we dealing with intelligent monsters? You had a bunch of other things more likely to be in the collection in the list. Venemous snakes, giant spiders, a chimera. Werwolves or a Medusa would be more exotic for the intelligent monsters.
Next, how did these monsters get out and get weapons, and then why did they stop in the bathouse randomly when the players were supposed to get there? Its a contrived setup for a fight.
In the end I could see this done so much better. For instance, having the players respond to the monsters breaking out. Using many of the minis as NPCs that the players can try to save. Giving a DC for the players to notice someone sneaking the other way, to clue them into the cult.
This fight looks like it can be fun. If I have time, I may playtest it. Its the setup that really disappoints me, especially after the tallent you have shown in the previous rounds for getting things right.
I really liked the actual encounter. Goblins behind cover, with silly things like a slippery floor nearby and a bathing ogre smashing through the glass sounds like an evocative encounter that's a lot of fun.
I enjoyed the monster's motives/activities and didn't find it implausible as some did.
The map was hard to read, and needlessly complicated. The name was unwieldy and using "Orge" was unforgivable.
I'm on the fence regarding this entry. I really liked the encounter but the map, name and errors are really dragging this otherwise great entry down.
Just realised that Oni wouldn't be allowed (I wonder if you started with this and worked backwards to ogres...), but regardless, it does scream Asian setting rather than Druma.
Congratulations on Top 8!
Allow me to introduce Map Fu.
He looks at maps as part of GM preparation for an evenings fun and games. Now for the competition, he is going to be ruthless and treat each map as a "finished" product and not a notelet to cartographer.
Therefore this review will be from the stance of preparing for the encounter, general map items and first impressions. I am hoping to collate feedback from my games club at the weekend for playability feedback, but thought some early GM preparation feedback may be useful.
Now, as these are single encounters fleshed out, rather like a main encounter in a module might be, I will be expecting a number of things to be provided - I look to my large shiny Rise of the Runelords hardback. These will be mentioned in first impressions after the map items and are advisory in nature only as they are a personal expectation.
I'm probably only going to get 1-2 a day done, so please be patient, I will get to you all.
So let's begin...
Map Fu, I unleash you...
Mmmm, points I smell, eat well I will... (anyone else notice the absolute grand master of passive voice is Yoda? :P)
Check Point 1: Visibility
How clear is everything to see?
Map Fu eats a point - the pull out should be boxed, clearly away from the key - the reason is there could be confusion where your square eqals five feet could be considered part of the main key and not the scale for the pull out map. It alsmost caught me out.
Map Fu thumbs up - Key symbols table - well done.
Map Fu thumbs up - scale indicated for map and pull out - nice.
Score: 4/5
Check Point 2: Compass Rose/North Bearing
Obvious, and should be on all maps.
Map Fu thumbs up - The compass rose is on both main and pull out and oriented correctly - nicely done.
Score: 5/5
Check Point 3: Directional Integrity
Do you know your left from right, up from down, west from east? If the encounter refers to the east door, is it on the east wall on the map?
Map Fu thumbs up - pull out north aligns with main map north - that's good.
Score: 5/5
Check Point 4: Scale Integrity
Do the map dimensions and shapes match the encounter text dimensions and shapes? Is there sufficient space in the room/area for the content, both encounter and dressings? If there are "pulled out" areas, is the orientation of the pulled out detail correct with respect the base map orientation and dimensions (e.g. a 10' v 10' area pulled out for detailed view doesn't become 15' x 15')
Map Fu thumbs up while holding a ruler - yes the increased size of of the pull out has the same dimensionality as the miniature area of the main map - well done.
Score: 5/5
Check Point 5: Empty Area Syndrome
Are there any areas on the map that aren't identified in a map key or in the descriptions, having a labelled empty areas is fine if part of the encounter design.
Map Fu eats a point: At first glance, with the encounter named "The Sequestered Palace Sumptuous", he expected the building "Sequestered Palace" on the map to be more detailed than a roof view. It's only after we get to the description is the encounter realised as "The Bath opulent" encounter. Map fu is so cruel.
Score: 4/5
Check Point 6: Anything Missing?
Map Fu thumbs up - it's all here apart from the palace building innards - but as we dedcuted earlier for that, we wont deduct here.
Map fu changes his mind - it bothers him that part of the palace grounds is obscured under the pull out, so combining that with the missing innards of the main palace, he's going to eat a point here too.
Score: 4/5
GM Preparation : First Impressions.
Having scanned the map, and feeling reasonably good with the information thus far presented, I turned my attention to the encounter description.
I got quite a way into the description before I hit anything to comment on, until the descriptions of the areas in the pull out. These kind of merged into the main paragraphs of the encounter, I would have preferred them to have been given some sort of heading and individual paragraphs so that as a GM, I can scan and refer to each area with greater speed during gameplay.
Continuing to the encounter set up, I realised the bath wasnt labelled on the map - after confirming from the statue that the diamond water area was a fountain, the bath ahs to be the 10 x 10 square of blue at the base of the pull out picture. The I got stuck with eactly where the goblins should be located, I know where the ogre/troll is, but couldnt see the soapy water referred on the map - after some delibration, I decided that A1 indicates the whole of the corridor and the area behind the blockade and that A2 was a goblin position marker.
As this is an encounter map and not an area map, I expected to see the starting positions of each npc / creature detailed on the map - this would have resolved the above issue and for the high tier, would have allowed you to indicate the position of the warchanter in relation to the commandos, and so aid a GM running the High Tier encounter build.
The next items I found were all the stats and breakdowns I need to run each creature, there seemed to be all I needed here albeit using 3.5 style stat blocks.
The Development section points the GM to further opportunities for action inthe palace grounds and mentions a cash reward (but doesnt say how much for either tier).
My playtest set up
So for my play test I have prepared using the feedback assumptions above, and for the high tier, I have placed the warchanter behind the front line commandos at the barricade.
GM Preparation : Other considerations / thoughts
The only opportunity in this encounter that I can see you missed is detailing the possibility of damage from smashing/falling glass as an area effect caused by breakage.
You included some environmental effects, and I loved the smokey bathroom glass ideas.
Nicely done indeed.
GM Prep Score: 17/20 Overall Score: 45 / 50
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I think we can drop the typo aspect of this discussion and focus on the other 1,499 words in Sam's entry. :)
Edit: From this point forward, I'm going to remove posts in this thread that talk about typos or Ryan's comment that prompted all this discussion. It is a distraction from talking about the content of Sam's entry. And before the voting period I may go back and remove all the earlier discussion about it because I think it's unfair to Sam.
I think the thing that clinched it for me here is the inclusion of 3.5 stat blocks. When I run 3.5 scenarios for my Pathfinder game, I take the time beforehand to update any NPCs to Pathfinder rules. Stock monsters are no problem due to the various Bestiary books, but monsters with class levels in this format means I have to drag out my books and calculate CMB, CMD, Perception scores rather than Listen/Search/Spot, etc, etc.
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Chief Technical Officer
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Using stat blocks from a 3.5 source *should* have been a rules violation with the potential for disqualification.
Submissions may be disqualified for the following reasons:...
Submission uses non-Pathfinder rules, monsters, or copyrighted material from publishers other than Paizo.
That rule should really have said "non-Pathfinder Roleplaying Game rules, monsters, etc," but it didn't. Since it's not unreasonable to say that Rise of the Runelords is a legitimate source for "Pathfinder" monsters, his submission adheres to the rules as written. (We will close that hole for the next round.)
I'm disappointed that Sam didn't understand our intent, but we really can't ding him too badly for it.
This entry feels like a story, with monsters tacked on in the end. So much back story and history, that I actually ended up skipping forward to find out the actual encounter, and wasn't impressed.
These comments are from a first pass of your encounter, prior to playtesting or reading the judges' feedback or other voters' posts. EDIT: on this one I actually read the judges feedback first and this may have influenced my thoughts.
The Sequestered Palace Sumptuous
The location - what did you bring to Golarion?
A sumptuous palace, a lavish sprawling walled compound, with a mansion and menagerie and gardens and bath house. It's the sort of place that could give players somewhere different to adventure after they get through the first four levels of dungeon crawling. I can imagine lots of social encounters, dastardly plots, and - no doubt - eunuchs. There are always eunuchs, right? I am not sure that the location should be so strongly linked to the Exposition - what happens there for the other 50 weeks of the year? The strong link limits the location, as written, to being used for one specific adventure.
The encounter - do I want to run this fight on your map?
Nice setting; and lots of terrain height differences could make this tactically interesting. I'm missing information on where the PCs are likely to start, and there are tactics information mixed through the creatures section, so it's taking me a couple of reads to piece together how the encounter is supposed to flow. From the setup, it seems that they've been placed there by the bad guys specifically to ambush the characters; and I like the sheer incongruousness of an ogre getting bored of waiting and taking a bath.
The writing - how effectively have you crafted those words?
You've gone for a very specific flowery style in the location text, but I'm not sure that you've really committed enough to sell it. For example, the sentence 'All of its features are named in the usual Druman fashion-- flowery, sanctimonious, and painfully literal [...] Menagerie and Deadly Garden...'. 'Deadly Garden' isn't really flowery or sanctimonious and you undercut yourself here.
Elsewhere, the read aloud text actually does its job of describing the location, and does it well. The major problem is with flow and organisation of the information you present. I think you would benefit from buying about 5 or 6 PFS scenarios and analyzing exactly how Paizo presents their encounters.
You're kicking yourself about the Orge, I know. At least you weren't the only one with typos. Just have to sigh, let it go, and promise youself to never let it happen again.
Summary
Interesting civilized location with some potential, but undercut by being strongly linked to a specific storyline that you don't, in this round, have the word count to pull off. An encounter that is worth playtesting, but requires the GM to work at understanding. Sam, this isn't your best work, and I wonder if this challenge is starting to stretch you beyond where your innate talent and creativity take you.
I've removed some posts, see my edited response here.
RPG Superstar 2013
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Dedicated Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka Steven T. Helt
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I believe you ran out of juice. The setting, the poor plot conception, the trite bathhouse meme, and the forced attempt to add Paizo-beloved goblin nonsense all tell me the sand ran out of the hourglass. I think it is a possible indicator that you're good for one or two polished works and then you'd be behind the eight-ball as a consistently working designer.
I think maybe another possibility is that you had a better idea for the encounter round and the saboe messed things up for you. If you plan ahead as much as possible for this villain or that encounter and the round's twist ("What the Hell do they mean no outsiders?"} fires your whole concept, I can see rushed, half-conceived ideas that don't do your skill justice.
I know a simpler, two-tier encounter would have forced me to start over if I'd made it this far. So it's important for me to keep your previous work in mind. If you make it to the next round, you have to deliver a solid effort, because this encounter is well beneath you.
Hi Sam! Congrats on making it to this round.
I will only have time to playtest one scenario from this round, and I did not select The Sequestered Palace Sumptuous.
I could make up your map in five minutes. The story and combat ideas are ho-hum. I really don't like how the NPC comes in at the end and says, "Oh well, no harm, no foul."
Good luck in the voting!
-Titania
Does the location and situation seem suitable for a succubus in distress (broken fingernails are such a nuisance) to find a Noble Knight?
Given the location of the bath house, it seems likely that knights *may* be in the vicinity, although whether noble knights would intrude upon a lady in a bath house is another question altogether. They probably wouldn't respond to anything other than a scream of 'help me, please, it's a spiiiiiiider!', but it's demeaning for a succubus to scream for help like that for anything smaller than a bebilith .
Is there any possible convenient financial gain obvious in this situation for a succubus?
Hmmm, what? Financial gain? Don't be ridiculous, it's a nice bath house. Financial gain is purely a secondary consideration, given the opportunity to take a nice, long, soak in a location like this.
Purely from a point of view of testing-this-situation-to-destruction what impact is a fire-breathing phase doppleganger giant space hamster likely to have if introduced to it?
Crash, crash, smash, splash, splorsh, sploooooort, smash, crash, rampage, rampage, *trample*.
Other comments?
It's a bit unusual to see an ogre/orge/troll taking the opportunity to relax like that, but to be fair to such creatures, out in the wilds they probably don't get much of a chance to try things like hot baths out, and it's probably enjoying the situation. I ask myself would such a creature enjoy such a sensation as relaxing in a large tub of pleasantly warm water, and I would have to say (especially given that it's likely more intelligent than some humans) that the answer would be yes.
I'm not quite sure what goblins were doing in a menagerie? Possibly they were being employed under magical compulsion to handle jobs humans consider too demeaning to get their own hands messy with, or maybe someone put them in charge of the entertainment... but goblins are like priests of Asmodeus and Lamashtu, and turn up almost everywhere, anyway. For that matter some goblins probably are priests of Asmodeus or Lamashtu...
Estimated time for four adventuresome succubi to deal with this situation:
A minimum of eight hours. Possibly several days, depending on how long the water stays hot, and how frequent disturbances are once the initial goblins and orge/ogre/troll have been taken care of.
It's a highly dangerous location.
It needs inspecting very carefully, and thoroughly.
Congrats Sam. I'm a big fan of your earlier entries, nice item, "Rocking" Riders, and fun monster. Now I'm confused by this entry, what happend? I have no way to play test any of the encounters so I waited to see what others had to say after they did. No one has so did it not grab anyone hard enuf to bother or was it to complicated to try? I hope you move on to top 4 but for now I don't think I'm giving you my last vote. I ask the other voters to give me a reason to vote for you. Anyone want to champion this encounter too me please give it a go I hope you can convince me.
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RPG Superstar 2012 Top 8
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Dedicated Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
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First of all, I am not at all disappointed with a top 8 finish. I'm not a very experienced GM, and I didn't enter this contest with any expectations.
I did have to laugh at the suggestion that I'm "out of ideas" -- not every idea is going to be a hit, and regardless of how many we have, we only get to turn in one each round. I was aware of a lot of the problems discussed here when I submitted this entry, and I don't think it will surprise anyone to hear this whole thing was written and drawn on Thursday and I had to turn it in and go to work Friday morning without my usual editing and revision.
Can I do better? Of course. I think anyone would say the same, given the twists and time constraints that are integral to this contest.
If I have one regret, it's that I upset Sean, Neil, and Vic in one stroke by using goblins with class levels from Burnt Offerings. It wasn't my intent to push the boundaries of the rules, and I didn't realize it could be a problem until I'd already turned it in. If we do work together in the future, I hope you'll find me flexible and responsive when it comes to understanding requirements and making changes.
Finally, congratulations top 4! You've earned it!
Full speed ahead, Sam. If Paizo pitches an opportunity your way, I hope you'll pick it up and run with it. You put together some really impressive stuff this year. Enough to convince someone out there to give you a chance, I'll wager. Best of luck and I look forward to seeing your name on something in the future.
Meh, you didn't upset me by using those goblin stat blocks. I did gripe about having to do some extra work pasting them from my PDF into the message window because I was getting the "it's dropping some of the letters from the PDF!" bug, but that wasn't your fault. :)
Hey Sam, I'm sure a number of people, myself included, are sad that you're not in the top four. This entry had the signs of an under-polished entry, and I am relieved to hear it was genuinely time pressure responsible - rather than an inability to turn your great ideas into a compelling encounter.
Best wishes from here, would be great to see a Sam Polak byline on a publication sometime soon.
